The scene continues
unabated by my presence.
Plastic smiles and lustful eyes
bountiful but not for me..never me.
In the mirror' s unforgiving gaze
I am unrecognizable
Replaced with a crude rendering
of my previous likeness
fashioned by children
with lumpy imperfect clay.
Silence replaces loving laughter
that used to follow my witty banter.
Silence and stares. Sympathetic stares
tinged with smugness and fear.
"Over here...over here..."
I recently received a message from a composer named joe drzewiecki who was interested in putting this poem to music. Here are the results. I didnt know my words could sound so good. Thank you joe drzewiecki, I am flattered.
If she would ever return to you
You won't feel the same love you do right now
your mind had been infatuated to a much higher level
that returning to the joy and peace won't feel same again.
My Infatuation Cause My Fall
i miss the way fingertips felt against my cold skin
the soft touch that only a lover can provide
the kind of touch that can melt icebergs and start wildfires
i miss the sweet sound of whispered words that could start a revolution and the goosebumps that came with each mumbled "i love you"
i miss the feeling of drifting off in a pair of arms that transformed an embrace into a home and made a safety net around me as if protection could only exist within this space between fingertips and other ligaments
i miss the feeling that you provided
i miss the feeling of being wanted
i miss loving something, someone
i feel as if i have lost all sense of direction
Loveless *** breeds happiness
With your legs wrapped around a chest
Have you now achieved success?
Does it feel like you know best,
When you just have to accept
Whatever they say?
It must be over now
I can just tell somehow
Learn a job at the plow
For that's all you do now
Can you smell the future now?
It must be close
For I see no sweat on your brow
Has it led to the farm
Where money grows like ******* charms?
Speaking of, I spoke to them
They don't like it when you bend
Maybe you should stand up straight
And learn to make love and how to wait
It doesn't feel like you're hard to shake
Age is just a number that,
Shows how long you've survived
It doesn't say you're bound for fame
Or even worth enough to stay alive
Come back home to mother and father
Where they can't complain about your bother
Your mouth tells of stories though
They're only true to you
Love is lost to will
Shadows behind your eyes
Up an angry hill
and down the dead-end side...
Love is like a pill
Taken in the night
Causing us to sleep
Far beyond the light...
Love is a Moment
Captured in time
Love is a spool
Slowly it unwinds...
Love can feel you breathe
Now I'm out of breath
Love can break your heart
Now I've nothing left...
Gaze ye not
'pon the misfortune
of the Harlequin,
his dead eyes
will see nothing
of your heart.
Pity ye not
the clown 'pon
his misery bed
of Narcissus petals.
Emotion has thieved
its own fortune,
carrying the weight
of bitter experience.
The furnace, long cold.
Never the embers
glow in his soul,
trapped in a world
when life cares not,
nor matters to the afflicted,
who is mocked
by thy Gaze.
© Pagan Paul (11/11/18)
The Moon doesn't love me anymore,
she may even have forgotten I exist.
Just a phantom roaming the Earth,
a mere trick of an eye in the mist.
© Pagan Paul (29/11/18)
The table lamp
The single book of verse.
The ornament standing alone.
The photo in an unforgiving frame.
in a bitter room.
© Pagan Paul (2016/17/18)
Shaped to look like a table lamp.
With every holes on my sleeve,
That begging me to rip the shirt off.
That they are just as loveless as i am.
Might as useless as well.
So, i’m loveless.
With every breath that i take,
That getting heavier and ragged each second.
Telling me to stop running,
The night and the day,
They keep telling me to leave,
They forbid me to sleep,
As every time i woke up,
I’d be the loveless person i will always be.
So they said i must leave.
Last, i’m loveless.
With every step that i take,
With every pressure on my shoulder,
With every blood on my nose,
Will someone ever turn their head,
And simply ask,
“Are you okay?”
Just to stop me from leaving.
So, are you okay?
please get out of my head
I beg of you
every second I think of you is agony
Remembering how perfect I thought you were
How you'd talk to me and soothe me
with those kind eyes of yours
I want to forget you
pretend we never met
purge all our memories together
please stop taunting me with your handsome face
please get out of my head
in this reality
we created something out of nothing
nipped uncertainty in the bud
i buried it softly
among the weeds and the dirt
in this reality
i didn't rip out my roots from the ground below
i watered the seeds with kindness and love
threw insecurity to the wind
and let my heart show
but, my dear
this isn't my reality
i still claw at the dirt
with love bitten nails
digging for an answer in unfertilized soil
searching for a life that was never given
even the slightest chance to grow
no life will blossom here
the flowers will wilt and be rotten from the core
life cannot grow from a loveless garden
the petals will fall before they're formed
and thorns will sprout and puncture the delusion of something more
teasing this noose, that is wrapped around my heart
in this reality
the weeds will strangle the light from the sun
rip away the facade of a blooming aftermath
deprive my flowery veins of water, write me off as done
and kid me into an illusion that
the seeds will sprout into a thousand colors
not one of them real enough to describe
the color of my aura when i see your face
feel those hands on mine
your touch out of descriptions reach
cos in this reality
and every reality after
love will never be a word that can be defined
nor described, by any set opinion.
love is a vast and bottomless pit of beautiful and scary uncertainty
made from the memories it creates
built on the foundations on which we were born
and bred by the emotion we feel
rough draft but dunno how to finish it
My estimation is that every human is primarily in the pursuit of love.
That nearly everyone of us is worthy; and that our value stretches way; way beyond the boundaries of the economic machine.
Love is priceless!
Yet we choose to live in a material world; that suppresses love !
and where we are all measured in pounds.
Every one is in pursuit of love;
You can't buy love with pounds.
I loved him with what was left of my heart.
I thought he cared about me, but he just used me.
I waited for him. I gave him so many chances because I believed he would change but after a year of waiting my heart knew that he left me and went away. The little left of my heart started to crush like the other pieces. But I just had a piece left and I guarded my heart for so long that my heart forgot what it was like to breathe.
I can still feel it.
The way your lips touched mine.
I missed them.
I saw it.
The way your eyes drifted to others.
Never straying to mine.
Never filled with the same spark.
You would say it.
Those three words.
Not to me.
Never to me.
To the others.
They always got your love.
I got your hate.
“You don’t have to love me.”
You gave me orders.
Never to be near you.
Never to hold hands.
Not in public.
We did not know each other.
They would get the wrong idea.
“We are cousins,” You would say.
You were embarrassed.
To be seen.
I was your puppet.
You pulled the strings.
And I obeyed your commands.
You never loved.
I was your toy.
Something you could throw away.
It’s all a game.
You are the king.
I’m your ****.
Just a piece on your board.
I loved you.
More than anything.
I let you use me.
If I got to be with you.
Nothing else mattered.
You didn’t feel the same.
“No one ever does.”
I saw a prompt and this poem came to mind. I hope you love it and be sure to comment what you think. Check out my other works!!
Baby, you really hurt me
letting me think that we could have been something.
I should have known months ago
when you stopped saying hello and started leaving me on read.
I would pull back
but would keep hanging on
thinking this was going to go somewhere.
If you weren't serious all you had to do was tell me.
Instead, you left me outside waiting in the storm.
Having second thoughts should have been the first sign.
Thinking I deserve someone that does not leave me on read,
but at last, I was too naive.
So I stayed waiting by my phone and waiting for that light.
But now I realize it's just too cold out in this storm.
I tried being an adult asking where do you wanna go from here,
but I guess you just didn't have the time to answer me.
That's okay, maybe I won't get this past year back,
but I have too much to look forward to than worrying about someone who just doesn't care.
Baby, you really hurt me
thinking that this was going somewhere.
Baby, don't worry I can tell you don't care about me anymore
the way I believed you did.
Baby, don't worry I'm woman enough to realize I deserve better now.
Even the feel of summer failed to heat up my heart
Despair and sorrow waged war upon my innocence
Little by little, my abandoned soul tore itself apart
I guess all my heart wanted was to stay in your presence
Thoughts of yours which once used to make me smile
Memories of you became the cause of my sorrow
My heart broke every time I thought of you for a while
Because I knew you won't be there in my life tomorrow
I tried to lock up my tender feelings inside my heart
In a desperate attempt to stop endless stream of my tears
You say the vastness of oceans enough to keep us apart
But I guess, your love ceased to exist after all these years
It hurt, it pained like hell but with all my efforts, I tried
To cast away and relinquish the thoughts of you
Your voice echoed in my ears, my soul died, my heart cried
Because my dear lover, this time you didn't love me too...
It was September 2017 when I rhymed for one last time in my drafts.
I tried, I tried my hardest. But I just can't rhyme anymore...
I do not believe I am
capable of being
Pouring all I have
into all I have
My heart beats & drums
away, ever full.
For it has too much
Shared looks, & evenly exchanged
gestures of touch.
My brave heart flutters.
And for each thing
I receive but a little in return.
This return is why
I am never
She lets you hug goodbye
And squeeze the happiness from her mind
For she knows,
you won't be back at all
To see the love run out in tears,
To glance at the wished-for-death nights
And scream-less screams of grief.
She lets you kiss her neck,
And leave your sorrows in her heart
for she is aware,
You won't be there to notice
the pounding thoughts of never enough
Or the way the circles under her eyes
are the only smiles she gives
She lets you stride away
And never glimpse back
For she can tell,
You were looking for a different love
One thats wrapped in loveless beauty
And lets lust sleep in the bedside
She lets him leave her heart
For she believes,
Another love for her will come to be
Wrapped in passion, chocolate, kisses, and a love she deserves
There's a body in my bed but a whole in my chest, I try to spit it out yet I always digress cause I can't focus on it for 5 seconds without dying, a little inside like a bird who can't fly or the biker who can't ride. My mind is a war zone but I'm a battle hardened vet, hell won't claim me and heaven doesn't want me yet. My body keeps fighting with a need to survive so out of this dark hole I will try to rise, more pain less pleasure a gruesome endeavor but necessary for my life to get better, a freed mind ravaged and robbed blind stripped of his rights by my emotions all the time, there's a body in my bed and a hole in my chest sorry I just noticed I digressed
My heart is so filled with pain.
Day after day only brings further decay.
Time after time I've loved and lost.
But despite what I love, I've never been loved.
I try to be strong,
Day after day.
But this pain is crawling up faster than I can escape.
Twenty one years old and I still hold out hope.
Hope that maybe one day I'll be okay.
Hope that maybe one day these feelings will fade.
Until then I continue my tortured existence.
Sometimes I hate that I love you so much.
I hate that I can't just stop these thoughts abrupt.
I know you feel absolutely nothing for me.
But I'd still sell my soul to the devil if it meant you could live carefree.
I hate that these feelings I know will not fade.
They'll always torture me: Straight to the grave.
Because I love you and have on many levels for years on end
Because you make me smile and give me more butterflies in my stomach than anyone ever has
Because you listen to me when I'm down and feed into my humor and turn the bad situation into the best situation
Because you make me so happy and I can't tell you...
Because I can't tell you how I feel without jeopardizing the best friendship I have
Because for three years I've consistently felt something for you that I didn't even realize until I discovered it myself
Because I can't show you these words without scaring you away
Because we both felt for each other at different times and we never landed in the middle
Because you never made a move when you felt the same
Because I can't lose you without going insane
Because you are the best thing that's happened to me, and my best friend, but I can't tell you...
Because I can't tell you how I feel without scaring you away.
this is a play off of a poem we're studying in class, and it's our project to rewrite this poem in our words, using the same prompt. i couldn't find the right things to say, or the right person to write about, until a few minutes ago. so here you go, basically how i feel about my best friend.
from his warmth
and fifty-five dollars
boxed and bagged
her credit card
vacuum sealed denim
icy flames lick leap
north south east west
acrid burnt air
HCl has defied gravity
descent to hell
two styrofoam boxes
scalp to soles
punctures this time
she swats it away
dilated gaping chasm
Feet bash linoleum.
Blurred limbs hurl
grasp lift stuff
ping bounce roll
opioids. and that was all.
strange places I visit in dreams
don't make sense
tied to familial lineage
ownership, inheritance, & secrets unknown
deepening fears unresolved
driving on an empty tank, without gas
how much time do i have to pass
the tender areas of my heart lay untethered — released
I hope you return my query — my shot in the dark
it's been so lonely without the sparks
of our love — the promises broken,
shattered and left on the floor.
Is it my turn to sweep up the remains?
Or will the pieces just stay the same.
We said goodbye to ruins called home.
how much time did we spend filling in cracks —
the space in between shifts like tectonic plates.
Am I an eruption of pain and heartache,
or am I interrupting the slow and natural flow?
Alone I stay, sans reply, where are you love with your alibi?
So much time spent missing you,
so much time dedicated to the form you knew —
who you thought I was — no someone new.
based on the past few nights of strange dreams I've endured.
curious and nightmarish at the same time.