I have nothing I want. But somehow I have everything I want.
I didn't get the girl. I didn't get the part.
It eats me up inside that she ignores me. It levels me that I wasn't good enough.
She's beautiful and it hurts, and sometimes I can't help but remember her tenderness, her hand on my cheek, her smile warming the world, her soft lips,
And her ****** promises that I believed.
Belief is terribly dangerous, and terribly traumatic, even if it only happens for the barest of seconds.
I'd cry about it, but I'm terrible at crying- nothing comes out even when I try.
But...there's this other girl.
I haven't known her long, either,
But the other night we were curled up in bed and suddenly
I started crying,
And I didn't know why but I couldn't stop.
I cried for everything I have lost, and everything I know I am losing.
I can't remember the last time I couldn't stop myself from showing an emotion, and I was truly terrified.
I think it was her hands on me. Her arms around me. Her understanding eyes.
I felt safe to and...
I just broke, and the tears poured out, because I've failed
And it hurts
And it's hurt for years,
And I keep failing,
And I think the reason I fail is that I try so hard, but I try in fear that I will fail for lack of trying.
And she just accepted it all and told me it was alright.
I didn't see the fear in her eyes, I didn't see the need to run from my need.
I saw only the same empathetic, frank calm I know shows in my eyes when I see somebody cry, because I love their truth and I want to know it.
I think that is why it took a very long time for me to regain control of myself.
Even though I've lost,
Even though I am not good enough for the people who decide who sings and who doesn't,
Or the girl who kissed me and then chose to walk away with my heart,
Or frankly, most of the world,
Who would shame me for the shameless way I am forced into love and my inability to shut up about it,
Even though I will keep on failing because I am too scared of regret to try any less than my hardest-
A trying that scares people and loses me things-
Even though, ALL of that... I am good enough for this girl.
That's the thing, see. I have nothing I want.
But when I'm with her I don't care that I have nothing I want.
I don't need it when she's there.
I don't need it all for a while, and I can BREATHE,
And I've never had that.
It's a different love than I've ever experienced. I've never loved someone in a way that hasn't ****** me dry and left me empty.
Sad, but true.
Sometimes I am loved in return for my love, but always it takes from me,
It requires a sacrifice in blood.
This, with her, whatever it is,
It asks nothing.
What it takes is offered, what it gives is wanted,
It is an easy thing.
For 18 years I've needed comfort, and I remember getting it once, ever, before I met this girl.
And now whenever I am brittle and close to despair, I can last until I can see her,
And somehow the pressure lessens when I do.
So, despite all the failures I see coming,
All the falls and the bruises and the crushing disappointments that, let's face it, I set myself up for
By being a patron of a brutal kind of love,
I have discovered that there is a balm, a comfort,
Someone who will give what I need and want what I offer.
And that is, honestly, probably the only reason that I don't feel broken, even after all the things in these past weeks that would have broken me before.
So yeah, it's true.
I have nothing I want.
But I have everything I need,
Everything I always dreamed I'd have but never came close to finding.
Funny, how I always seem to be in the in between. I'm forever in the halfway, if I am happy.
But this is different, still. This is new.
Because when I am with her and I think of all that I've lost and all that I know I am losing by the second,
I can't feel the hurt that comes with it.
It's distant. It's a fact, but it doesn't... MATTER.
And I have never met anybody who can heal me like that,
Ever. And I think she knows that.
And I am honestly excited and inspired to find ways to thank her and give to her.
And for once, I am allowed to be, because I know she will not reject what I give.