His lips moved closer to hers. His eyes begged, "I need you."
She backed away cautiously. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her closer to him. He never said a word but looked at her as if with tenderness. With his chest against her body, he gathered her into his arms and kissed her slowly. She stood frozen for the longest minute, before surrendering. She kissed him back, longing flooding her. He told her he had been hurt, and she took him into her embrace and cradled him.
He had arrived one night as she was walking by herself on the beach. She had almost stopped searching. He seemed to be just like her: agitated, sad, pathetic. She hid her own loneliness well, but his was written all over his face.
When she found him, broken and washed upon the shore, she did not realize he would leech onto to her foot. She felt herself drifting into the water, water almost up to her neck - his hand leading the way, but she did not realize that he would leave her there. Suddenly, the water filled her nostrils and her lungs and she was drowning. He was nowhere to be seen.
She looked for him, desperation flooding her stomach, her chest overflowing with sorrow- more so than the water filling her lungs. She searched for him frantically. She could not understand that he was gone.
She felt sadness overcoming her, and she struggled to keep her head up. It engulfed her as she collapsed into the abyss. She sunk to the very bottom, sea creatures passing by her as she sunk. She lay on the bottom of the ocean, but she could not stand up, nor could she breathe, nor could she die.
She stayed their for the longest time, clutching her heart and her stomach, as if she would throw up her insides if she didn't hold them in. She cried, but no one noticed in the deep waters of the ocean. She wanted someone to save her, but no one noticed as she put up her hand. She wanted to die, but even death did not pity her.
After a long time, the water parted and dried up slowly. The animals left, following the tide into the deep ocean and so did the plants. She lay there on sand, her hand cradling her stomach, while the moon watched over her. Soon the moon also left her, and she was alone.
There was no sun, no moon, no stars. Nothing shone. In the darkness, she still lay, unable to get up. All of her strength and stubbornness willed her to keep trying to stand, but it was as if she had polio: she could not move.
At last one day, she slowly sat up. She looked ahead and saw the water which had once engulfed her at a distance. It left her alive, as if she was not even worth killing. She stared at it for a long time, her eyes sadly missing him. One day she found the strength to stand up. She stood there, naked, her clothes ripped from her body, as if emotionally ***** and ******* over and again in her life.
She had not planned to trust again, but when she found him she thought she had found another side of herself. Little did she know that he used her and left when he realized that she was not what he wanted. He wanted to master her, to win her-- and when she finally succomed, he realized that he wanted something better-- which she could not provide.
_________
I close my eyes, the heavy comforter draped around me so securely I might as well be in your embrace. You hold me tight, gather your arms around my waist. You apologize for making the mistake of ending what we had. You tell me you realized that you are madly in love with me, that we must find a way to be together. You squeeze me so tight, and I wrap my arms around you and we lay there.
This dream can only last a minute, each time shorter and shorter as reality floods through me. Slowly, you slip out of my arms. You're laughing in the night air, kissing new girls. They are laying in your bed, cradling you as you tell them you need them. You lay against the warmth of their *******, while they nurture you. They take you inside them as you lie there like a small, whimpering child that needs to be taken care of. Night after night, there is new laughter in the air- each woman you meet becomes your shield, your protector, your mother. You **** them with your small *****. You tell them ***** thoughts and they respond with the ones you want to hear. You are no longer mine- you never were. You just needed to be taken care of for a night when you were lonely, you needed to be cradled and I- like a fool, found the motherly side in me and took you to my breast. When morning came, you awoke in another bed, on another breast, and you no longer needed me. Confused and abandoned, I searched for you and found you laughing in the night air, another Scarlet Johansson or Marilyn Monroe taking you in for the evening.
What do we all look for in life? Lau once posted this by Chitrabanu:
"We need love. It is the food of the soul, we cannot live without it. Love is not planning, it is not remembering. It exists only in the present moment. In love, there is no desire to hold, possess, or bind. To hold on to someone or something else is to disconnect from oneself. In disconnecting from yourself, you disconnect from the present moment, because your energy is used on the future. In this way, the experience of life, of love is slipping through your fingers. When you begin to see this very subtle point, you come to know that love has nothing to do with the past or the future.
Love is to just be. It means to be in communion. You can be in communion with any being that communicates and builds some kind of feeling and harmony with you. You can be in love with a plant, a child, an animal, a grandmother, a villager, a simpleton. It is possessing nothing, only being present in that moment, feeling and communicating with life in different forms.
In the same way, you experience this unconditional love with your own Self. You are in tune with yourself. When a person is in love, he does not hold anything back. He pours all his treasure without reserve. He does not say, "If I keep it, it will be useful one day." No, he says, "Here is the day, let me live it." You create this experience each day and turn it into your life style. In this way, you will no longer sadden your day with future thoughts and worries. Your living will be here and now with love."
Here is another by Tom Robbins, "When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
All true, wise words. When I went through what I went through as a child, I always hoped for better things in life. In college, my girlfriends and I comforted each other by saying that one day we will be this or that. We never realized that hope- is just that. Nothing more. While you have have a great inner strength that is capable of challenging even gravity, while you can push your limits and change and adapt yourself in ways you never thought possible-- some things are just given to you sheer luck, or some may even say God's blessing. No matter if you can change the air the wind blows and the tide-- there are still some things which must be granted to you by the mercy and grace of the universe- and if you are not in the lucky 20% of the world, you will not get it. We all have a quest. We seek to fulfill ourselves through the spark and comfort of a special stranger. We long for that understanding person to finally enter our lives and to endure the world with us together.
I wanted him to understand me. I thought because he was broken like me- he would understand me. First he told me that I was not like him, that I was not philosophical enough- that I was too simple. I quickly attempted to show him the deeper recesses of myself. He was not a camel that could be led. What he saw frightened him, he refused to see. He left.
We all think we want someone that understands us. Then I realized that no one could understand me, if I did not first understand myself. Perhaps it is not understanding that we need-- perhaps we need someone that we are mutually attracted to, to consider us important enough to be patient with us. Once during an interview, Justin Timberlake said to Ellen about Jessica Biel, "Sometimes I stare at her when she is unaware. This is when she is the most beautiful-- when she is unguarded, un-noticing, just carrying about her day and I observe small things about her."
I don't need someone to understand me. It's not possible. I don't want someone to come to conclusions about what I am-- even I don't know myself fully and I am constantly being shaped by situations that I encounter. What I want is a person who is awesome enough to be gentle- to watch without making observations-- without needing to relate opinions, instead simply to care enough to just watch. And if we don't agree upon something-- to love me enough to compromise. To be gentle enough to pull me into his warmth and keep me secure. To be man enough to bring out the woman in me.
As an independant strong victim of the scars of life, I tend to combat everything myself. It would be wonderful to fall into the embrace of a man who can take care of me. I want someone who never gives up on me-- who finds me worthy enough to teach me and reconsider me. I want a man who doesn't need me-- but wants me more for what good he has learned about me. I want a man who is so secure in himself, that once he has loved me, he doesn't question greener-seeming pastures. My heart aches, and I am lonely. As easy as it is to fall into the arms of the wrong guy, my heart is worth enough and I am deserving enough to face the quest alone until the prize is won.
Many times I have met men who seem so much like the right key-- who fit into lock, but these keys have never turned and opened. I want the one who is meant for me. For him I will wait.
