I actually lost my mind a month and some days ago. I drank and forgot who I am. Sometimes it takes a punch but that night it was a bomb. I blew everything up. I lost myself. Body pieces scattered. I gave a pretty simple lie. I gave a pretty simple lie dude. I told my sister I wouldn't drink. But I gave a pretty blatant answer. I had indeed lied. I thought I was golden. I had me fooled, I had Lexi fooled, I had Billie fooled, I had Stephen fooled, I had John, Kayley, Rylee fooled, but I didn't have the madness in myself fooled. I ****** it all up. I was so excited. I was myself to the day I drank that ******* beer. And people wanna find a trigger, but there was none. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. But I didn't quit. And now I suppose I won't quit anymore. Lost everything, losing still to this day. I just wanna apologize. Bc every night, when I do sleep, I think about a pistol to my head. Then I pull the trigger. And it helps me sleep. But when I can't sleep I think about all the things I ruined. Guilt I guess. Who knows. **** man. I don't think I am gonna pull out of this one. There is no darkness, like before. It's just light and light. It's just me wanting to be alone bc I don't even deserve friendship. I don't wanna go out any more. I don't wanna leave my bed. The only thing that ***** about it is I am getting fat. I do NOT like that. I will expell all my money and die I guess. I more than this but I am hurting so badly. I wanna just expire like milk. Throw me out. I almost think being homeless would help bc that is what I deserve. I am sad yes. But happy about feeling shame. Bc I was never a good person. Only for 8 months but there is no home for me there. I tried. I tried to tell her I would go to aa, and stop but she didn't care and ran. Maybe talking isn't my feature. maybe I should lie. Who knows. I do not plan on getting any better because I hate the designs that were mine. And I hold a ******* grudge. I wanna live. I want to be normal but I dunno what the **** I am gonna do. I hate it here. I hate everything about it here. I ******* tried to make it normal but there is NOTHING normal about it here. Broken tikes lead me to death, broken promise bring me to unrest, broken thoughts bring me to a pause.
