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"journals" poems
I. I’ve swallowed too many I love you’s to be afraid of coughing up blood. They cut you on secret. Who knew it was drinking gasoline and sawdust and every little inflammable thing and then sitting down cross-legged in the heart of a howitzer; soft. II. You are a soft explosion. You are streaks of a rebel orange in a sky that is supposed to be blue. You are steel rods in the curve of my spine, holding me straight. III. I love you’s are like death notes written in ash: you’ll have to smoke your way to it. Smoke cigarettes, journals, curtains, and yourself to get that much ash in your lungs; trying to blow smoke rings into your finger; my ceiling knows more about my sadness than you do. IV. Saying an I love you once will have you chanting “don’t leave me” on a rosary; love will take your bones and leave you lusting for somebody whose back is the last thing you’ll see, and whose skin you’ll think you left your keys in: and now you’ve locked yourself out of your own house, in a storm whose sirens wail in your ears and remind you, you’re hopeless and homeless. V. I love you’s leave no exit wounds, no shell casings, and when the time comes you’ll be telling them all how his bullet ricochets in your ribs, but emotion never made up for evidence in the court of settlements for a broken heart. VI. Telling someone you love them is like cutting your jugular and not expecting to bleed out. VII. I love you like the pages of a mad girl’s journal. VIII. The moon turns from an ally to the haunting image of science and realisation: you share the same sky, but no longer the same bed. And astronomy keeps ******** you over when you look up at the sky and no longer understand constellations. IX. Love makes it more getting-back-at-you than getting-back-together-with-you. X. Every time you taste blood, you’ll know you kissed somebody with teeth like needles and they cut you everywhere; they bit you, they bit you, they bit you and you kept letting them.
0
Dec 21, 2015
Dec 21, 2015 at 10:29 PM UTC
Love and other disasters
I. I’ve swallowed too many I love you’s to be afraid of coughing up blood. They cut you on secret. Who knew it was drinking gasoline and sawdust and every little inflammable thing and then sitting down cross-legged in the heart of a howitzer; soft. II. You are a soft explosion. You are streaks of a rebel orange in a sky that is supposed to be blue. You are steel rods in the curve of my spine, holding me straight. III. I love you’s are like death notes written in ash: you’ll have to smoke your way to it. Smoke cigarettes, journals, curtains, and yourself to get that much ash in your lungs; trying to blow smoke rings into your finger; my ceiling knows more about my sadness than you do. IV. Saying an I love you once will have you chanting “don’t leave me” on a rosary; love will take your bones and leave you lusting for somebody whose back is the last thing you’ll see, and whose skin you’ll think you left your keys in: and now you’ve locked yourself out of your own house, in a storm whose sirens wail in your ears and remind you, you’re hopeless and homeless. V. I love you’s leave no exit wounds, no shell casings, and when the time comes you’ll be telling them all how his bullet ricochets in your ribs, but emotion never made up for evidence in the court of settlements for a broken heart. VI. Telling someone you love them is like cutting your jugular and not expecting to bleed out. VII. I love you like the pages of a mad girl’s journal. VIII. The moon turns from an ally to the haunting image of science and realisation: you share the same sky, but no longer the same bed. And astronomy keeps ******** you over when you look up at the sky and no longer understand constellations. IX. Love makes it more getting-back-at-you than getting-back-together-with-you. X. Every time you taste blood, you’ll know you kissed somebody with teeth like needles and they cut you everywhere; they bit you, they bit you, they bit you and you kept letting them.
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61
In my heart, you are an asset But in my mind, a liability You are an entry I can't forget That's slowly shaking my equity. Loving you is an understatement For a beauty's carrying value And so I made an adjustment Of the love that I must issue. But your heart had a preference For someone who's not me Who can give you more dividends Than a hopeful ordinary. All my hope was expensed For such unrecoverable loss And the business I've commenced Resulted in an opportunity cost. And so you went depreciating Ending this going concern There's this pain accumulating From a romance unearned. Now I'm left here to close All the journals I've made Correct the errors I chose For a love that I would trade.
0
Jul 22, 2013
Jul 22, 2013 at 10:38 AM UTC
Accounting 143
I hope I live to see Ed Sheeran, and Taylor swift live, and spend new years in New York I hope I make the perfect coffee for my future love and maybe even raise a puppy. I hope my writing actually gets somewhere, Than just spilled on a random page, Of a giant internet database I hope my little quotes and lyrics Are sketched into teenage journals I hope I meet my biggest supporter someday, and hang out with them in Disneyland. I hope everything stops being crazy, And everything starts becoming clearer I hope everyday I am alive, I make positive impact. I hope, I hope That the Universe notices, All the times I nearly broke.. Were all the times, I began to grow.
0
Oct 18, 2015
Oct 18, 2015 at 7:00 AM UTC
The Optimist
In a bedroom in small-town Pennsylvania, you’ll find an unmade bed, a pile of clothes on the floor— clean but not folded, open drawers and dusty shelves, a desk in the corner of the room with pictures laid across it. When I caught my first fish at six. I held it at arm’s length by the fishing line to avoid the slimy scales, a frown on my face from being forced to sit silently in the cold. When my family went to Marco Island, my sister and I, sifting sand for the best seashells in our matching swimsuits and hats. Mom and dad’s fights forgotten in our fun. High school graduation posing with my best friend since first grade, diplomas in one hand and an extra cap held between us because not everyone survived all four years. Move-in day at college, sitting on my raised bed with a grey comforter and two decorative pillows the color of cotton candy. Sweat on my brow from southern humidity and moving furniture without the help of a father. The pictures are merely snapshots that lack the full story. How I learned what it meant for love to fall apart when I was eight years old. My sister warned me before it happened, told me what a divorce was. I mistook her for joking until they called us upstairs. Dad cried when they told us, but mom held her tears until the day he left. The sounds of her cries escaping from behind a closed door. “This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other.” But that’s exactly what it meant. How I was taught by my father that love is conditional, and I repeatedly needed to prove myself through good grades and unquestioning obedience. Forced to stay home to spend time with the family, sitting wordlessly on the couch while he watched TV. Made guilty for wanting to spend time with friends because that somehow meant that I was a bad daughter. It’s funny—I never asked myself if he was a good father. If you look harder at the bedroom, you’ll find journals filled with bitter words, screws from disassembled pencil sharpeners, loose razors, and Aquaphor, food wrappers stuffed in hidden places, a closet brimming with junk and pairs of shoes, evidence of a story untold. Until you.
0
Sep 20, 2023
Sep 20, 2023 at 9:09 PM UTC
To Whom It May Concern:
In a bedroom in small-town Pennsylvania, you’ll find an unmade bed, a pile of clothes on the floor— clean but not folded, open drawers and dusty shelves, a desk in the corner of the room with pictures laid across it. When I caught my first fish at six. I held it at arm’s length by the fishing line to avoid the slimy scales, a frown on my face from being forced to sit silently in the cold. When my family went to Marco Island, my sister and I, sifting sand for the best seashells in our matching swimsuits and hats. Mom and dad’s fights forgotten in our fun. High school graduation posing with my best friend since first grade, diplomas in one hand and an extra cap held between us because not everyone survived all four years. Move-in day at college, sitting on my raised bed with a grey comforter and two decorative pillows the color of cotton candy. Sweat on my brow from southern humidity and moving furniture without the help of a father. The pictures are merely snapshots that lack the full story. How I learned what it meant for love to fall apart when I was eight years old. My sister warned me before it happened, told me what a divorce was. I mistook her for joking until they called us upstairs. Dad cried when they told us, but mom held her tears until the day he left. The sounds of her cries escaping from behind a closed door. “This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other.” But that’s exactly what it meant. How I was taught by my father that love is conditional, and I repeatedly needed to prove myself through good grades and unquestioning obedience. Forced to stay home to spend time with the family, sitting wordlessly on the couch while he watched TV. Made guilty for wanting to spend time with friends because that somehow meant that I was a bad daughter. It’s funny—I never asked myself if he was a good father. If you look harder at the bedroom, you’ll find journals filled with bitter words, screws from disassembled pencil sharpeners, loose razors, and Aquaphor, food wrappers stuffed in hidden places, a closet brimming with junk and pairs of shoes, evidence of a story untold. Until you.
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51
It's not that I don't love you. It's the time I read my mom's old journals and every other paragraph included my fathers name. It's that he cheated on every girlfriend he had with my mom. It's that my mom didn't care she was a second choice or a one night stand. It's that my mother never talked to anyone about him after he got married to one of the many girlfriends. It's that she took twenty sleeping pills on the night of what would've been their anniversary. It's that he doesn't even know she's dead. It's not that I don't love you. It's the couple I overheard in the bread aisle arguing over wheat or white. It's that I heard the woman say a lot of "she" and **** and I saw her crumble to the ground. It's that he just shook his head and said he was sorry over and over again. It's not that I don't love you. It's that my best friend is in love with a boy on the other side of the country. It's the morning she took a shower and cried over him. It's that he wasn't even awake to do anything about it. It's that he's always three hours behind and thousands too many miles away. It's that I mean both physically and mentally sometimes. It's not that I don't love you. It's my geometry teacher, who brought up her husband when she taught me tangents. It's that she also brought up her husband when she taught me the circle unit too. It's that she gets quiet and smiles after she talks about him. It's that he's been passed away for seven years now and she still has so much to say. It's that she still wears her wedding ring. It's that when she taught me special right triangles, I wondered what her laugh might sound like if he were still here. What I'm trying to say is; It's not that I don't love you. It's that I do.
0
Jun 15, 2014
Jun 15, 2014 at 10:44 AM UTC
It's Not That I Don't Love You
It's not that I don't love you. It's the time I read my mom's old journals and every other paragraph included my fathers name. It's that he cheated on every girlfriend he had with my mom. It's that my mom didn't care she was a second choice or a one night stand. It's that my mother never talked to anyone about him after he got married to one of the many girlfriends. It's that she took twenty sleeping pills on the night of what would've been their anniversary. It's that he doesn't even know she's dead. It's not that I don't love you. It's the couple I overheard in the bread aisle arguing over wheat or white. It's that I heard the woman say a lot of "she" and **** and I saw her crumble to the ground. It's that he just shook his head and said he was sorry over and over again. It's not that I don't love you. It's that my best friend is in love with a boy on the other side of the country. It's the morning she took a shower and cried over him. It's that he wasn't even awake to do anything about it. It's that he's always three hours behind and thousands too many miles away. It's that I mean both physically and mentally sometimes. It's not that I don't love you. It's my geometry teacher, who brought up her husband when she taught me tangents. It's that she also brought up her husband when she taught me the circle unit too. It's that she gets quiet and smiles after she talks about him. It's that he's been passed away for seven years now and she still has so much to say. It's that she still wears her wedding ring. It's that when she taught me special right triangles, I wondered what her laugh might sound like if he were still here. What I'm trying to say is; It's not that I don't love you. It's that I do.
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6
Here I stood with ***** crystals beneath my feet and waited for the sky to turn golden. Here I laughed into the echoing tunnel under my home as wet earth dripped on my skin. Here I learned about parenthood among feathers and little eggs and ungodly morning crows. Here I gloated about the manhood which sprouted from under my arms and in my mischievous thoughts. Here I waited till dark to meet him in secret all the while dreading the sound of tires on gravel. Here I buzzed with excitement as the boys had their lazy Sunday afternoon. Here his freckles came close to mine as he softly said "you're so beautiful" with Bruno Mars playing in the background. Here I said I would never grow up. Here I comforted her with my pain because I had to be brave. Here I forgot that being called "muddy children who act like savages " was considered an insult. Here I cried into the stars for reasons I didn't understand. Here I walked on hands and feet with happy little scratches and silent giggles. Here only the sound of our beating hearts and delicate pride could be heard as I held him close. Here I sang at the top of my favorite tree and waited for the words to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Here the glow of a flashlight illuminated our tent as I asked her if she liked me like that. Here a little piece of me was left sitting on a branch waiting to capture the next magical heart. Here I wrote "I love you" on a mango leaf only to realize that he spelled love differently. Here I sat beneath bright green trees and pondered my not-so-complicated life. Here my words came out blurry and my stomach swayed like a sail boat out on a windy morning. Here my hands went numb as I raced to the end of his life. Here I visit through pictures and messy journals to remember the little things that are now so so big. Here I left muddy footprints now covered with grass, but here they will stay.
0
Sep 16, 2018
Sep 16, 2018 at 5:13 PM UTC
Muddy Footprints
Here I stood with ***** crystals beneath my feet and waited for the sky to turn golden. Here I laughed into the echoing tunnel under my home as wet earth dripped on my skin. Here I learned about parenthood among feathers and little eggs and ungodly morning crows. Here I gloated about the manhood which sprouted from under my arms and in my mischievous thoughts. Here I waited till dark to meet him in secret all the while dreading the sound of tires on gravel. Here I buzzed with excitement as the boys had their lazy Sunday afternoon. Here his freckles came close to mine as he softly said "you're so beautiful" with Bruno Mars playing in the background. Here I said I would never grow up. Here I comforted her with my pain because I had to be brave. Here I forgot that being called "muddy children who act like savages " was considered an insult. Here I cried into the stars for reasons I didn't understand. Here I walked on hands and feet with happy little scratches and silent giggles. Here only the sound of our beating hearts and delicate pride could be heard as I held him close. Here I sang at the top of my favorite tree and waited for the words to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Here the glow of a flashlight illuminated our tent as I asked her if she liked me like that. Here a little piece of me was left sitting on a branch waiting to capture the next magical heart. Here I wrote "I love you" on a mango leaf only to realize that he spelled love differently. Here I sat beneath bright green trees and pondered my not-so-complicated life. Here my words came out blurry and my stomach swayed like a sail boat out on a windy morning. Here my hands went numb as I raced to the end of his life. Here I visit through pictures and messy journals to remember the little things that are now so so big. Here I left muddy footprints now covered with grass, but here they will stay.
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22
You'll notice him in the busy streets of Peru, dodging vendors and laughing like the sun. You'll notice her at a small diner past 2 a.m, lost in thought, melancholy notes on their smile. You'll notice him on a cobble corner wearing bold colours and singing about the lives he's lived and the fools he's loved. You'll notice her on mountain peaks, soaking in the wind with twigs in her hair. You'll notice him weaving flower crowns and writing in his journals, squinting into the hot sky with dew on his lips. You'll notice her kneeled on the side of the road, comforting a small animal with the voice of sweet honey. You'll notice them, dancing at sunset, colours streaking across their face. You'll notice them running through meadow fields in the early hours of the morning. You'll notice them laughing like the wind, smiling like velvet, with whispfill sparks in their eyes as they sit by the waves at dawn. They are the sun and the moon The sky and the sea Fire and the ice They're not likely to tell you who's who, In fact they're not likely to tell you who they are at all. But even without the spoken reveal Even without the clarity of meaning, When you see them. You'll notice
0
Dec 2, 2018
Dec 2, 2018 at 1:47 PM UTC
Heat and Evening
On the first day of christmas my teacher gave to me 1 essay On the second day of christmas my teacher gave to me 2 major projects 1essay On the third day of christmas my teacher gave to me 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the fourth day of christmas my teacher gave to me 4 journals 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the fifth day of christmas my teacher gave to me 5 binders 4 journals 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the sixth day of christmas my teacher gave to me 6 pencil bags 5 binders 4 joournals 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the seventh day of christmas my techer gave to me 7 laptops 6 pencil bags 5 binders 4 journals 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the eighth day of christmas my teacher gave to me 8 calculators 7 laptops 6 pencil bags 5 bingers 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the nineth day of christmas gave to me 9 work sheets 8 calculators 7 laptops 6 pencil bags 5 binders 4 journals 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the tenth day of christmas my teacher gave to me 10 mircoscopes 9 work sheet 8 calculators 7 laptops 6 pencil bags 5 binders 4 journals 3 text books 2 major project 1 essay On the eleventh day of christmas my teacher gave to me 11 math problems 10 mircoscopes 9 work sheets 8 calculator 7 lap tops 6 pencil bags 5 binders 4 journals 3 text boooks 2 major projects 1 essay On the 12 day of christmas teacher gave to me 12 test tubes 11 math problems 10 mircoscope 9 work sheets 8 calculators 7 lap tops 6 pencil bags 5 binders 4 journals 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay
0
Dec 3, 2010
Dec 3, 2010 at 11:08 PM UTC
12 days of christmas
On the first day of christmas my teacher gave to me 1 essay On the second day of christmas my teacher gave to me 2 major projects 1essay On the third day of christmas my teacher gave to me 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the fourth day of christmas my teacher gave to me 4 journals 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the fifth day of christmas my teacher gave to me 5 binders 4 journals 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the sixth day of christmas my teacher gave to me 6 pencil bags 5 binders 4 joournals 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the seventh day of christmas my techer gave to me 7 laptops 6 pencil bags 5 binders 4 journals 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the eighth day of christmas my teacher gave to me 8 calculators 7 laptops 6 pencil bags 5 bingers 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the nineth day of christmas gave to me 9 work sheets 8 calculators 7 laptops 6 pencil bags 5 binders 4 journals 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay On the tenth day of christmas my teacher gave to me 10 mircoscopes 9 work sheet 8 calculators 7 laptops 6 pencil bags 5 binders 4 journals 3 text books 2 major project 1 essay On the eleventh day of christmas my teacher gave to me 11 math problems 10 mircoscopes 9 work sheets 8 calculator 7 lap tops 6 pencil bags 5 binders 4 journals 3 text boooks 2 major projects 1 essay On the 12 day of christmas teacher gave to me 12 test tubes 11 math problems 10 mircoscope 9 work sheets 8 calculators 7 lap tops 6 pencil bags 5 binders 4 journals 3 text books 2 major projects 1 essay
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89
There's a letter that I'll never Deliver to you girl you left a mess in my world, And now things in my bedroom Remind me of you.. See there are old cd's I burned And paper planes crashed by the door And song lyrics spilled on the floor I should probably clean it all up but A part of me just won't forget us You must have been pretty special Cause these days, I try not to be so sentimental.. Did you get the memo? I've been recording demos And someday in December, I'll record a single' Just you wait. I'm not going anywhere but up, Though things in my bedroom remind me of you, I actually don't give a **** I'm just bringing all of this up Because, I thought it'd be nice To spare you a thought, and a poem Every now and then... Oh **** we used to be the best of friends And in my journals there's evidence Man its been a while and you're still relevant.. So for the hell of it Let's raise a glass.... Oh in my room theres a few birthday cards But as the years go on, i get less and less of those And theres a lava lamp, thats pretty small.. But thats okay Cause its next to my cd player thats still playing my first mixtape.. So oh yeah, let's raise a glass.. To the person I am today, Darling you said we all have to change Well if i did, it came from a place of pain..
0
Mar 27, 2016
Mar 27, 2016 at 10:57 AM UTC
Things in my bedroom.
I'm not a writer... Or anything resembling that I am just me... Sharing my words picked out from life's hat I can't find the most accurate to say So letters I dabble in various permutations Layers of letters turn into words and come to play Could call them journals, these text-laden creations But I'm not a writer... Or anything resembling that I am just me... Penning the words picked out of life's hat I'm not a poet... Or anything mimicking that I am just me... Relating experiences out of life's hat I can't conjure poems... About anything or everything Can't use my words to incite or inspire These are just ideas and I just like rhyming They are just experiences that fuel my fire But I'm not a poet... Or anything mimicking that I am just me...  Spouting rhymes out of life's hat I'm not an artist... Or anything pretending to be that I am just me... Drawing scenes from life's hat I can't sketch a portrait with a simple pencil Can't put together an installation and call it art I can paint fairly well; of which I have done several I can draw out emotions and depictions from the heart But I'm not an artist... Or anything pretending to be that I am just me... Producing paintings out of life's hat I'm not a musician.. Or anything fantastic like that I am just me... Playing melodies from life's hat I don't have the quality of voice to match that of a crooner I can't play instruments that could earn a place in a band I can sing in key without the help of a tuner I enjoy music best with a guitar in my hands But I'm not a musician.. Or anything fantastic like that I am just me... Singing songs from life's hat I'm not a writer, poet, musician or an artist... I do a little of everything, not excelling at any one title Although I wish to have everything clenched in one fist All I ever really do is just dabble....
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Aug 23, 2014
Aug 23, 2014 at 9:34 AM UTC
Dabble
I'm not a writer... Or anything resembling that I am just me... Sharing my words picked out from life's hat I can't find the most accurate to say So letters I dabble in various permutations Layers of letters turn into words and come to play Could call them journals, these text-laden creations But I'm not a writer... Or anything resembling that I am just me... Penning the words picked out of life's hat I'm not a poet... Or anything mimicking that I am just me... Relating experiences out of life's hat I can't conjure poems... About anything or everything Can't use my words to incite or inspire These are just ideas and I just like rhyming They are just experiences that fuel my fire But I'm not a poet... Or anything mimicking that I am just me...  Spouting rhymes out of life's hat I'm not an artist... Or anything pretending to be that I am just me... Drawing scenes from life's hat I can't sketch a portrait with a simple pencil Can't put together an installation and call it art I can paint fairly well; of which I have done several I can draw out emotions and depictions from the heart But I'm not an artist... Or anything pretending to be that I am just me... Producing paintings out of life's hat I'm not a musician.. Or anything fantastic like that I am just me... Playing melodies from life's hat I don't have the quality of voice to match that of a crooner I can't play instruments that could earn a place in a band I can sing in key without the help of a tuner I enjoy music best with a guitar in my hands But I'm not a musician.. Or anything fantastic like that I am just me... Singing songs from life's hat I'm not a writer, poet, musician or an artist... I do a little of everything, not excelling at any one title Although I wish to have everything clenched in one fist All I ever really do is just dabble....
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36
It was about fifteen years ago No romantic notions No grand stories Just another part of my strange journey For a high school dropout It was a wooden bed In a blue storage trailer One and a half month long Sleep deprived Long drive From site to site One week Per city Doing my laundry At laundry matts With strange pretty girls Hanging at a bar Playing slutty slot machines No drinking Cause I was only nineteen It was two vets From different wars Smoking *** in the morning It was my first *** buzz Staring stupidly up At the ceiling The strangest set of strangers Bathing in the back of a semi Getting lunch with a lemon punch Using carny credit It was sketching for a distraction No artistic satisfaction Very few journal entries And those journals are now lost Searching for myself As all young men do In the end it was just another job
0
Apr 10, 2015
Apr 10, 2015 at 6:38 AM UTC
The Carnival
i don't want to have these bipolar conversations where i threaten, and apologize, and demand, and apologize again i don't mean to take you through the ringer to make you see violence and mood swings i don't mean to scare you when i don't take my medicine i don't mean to scare you when i cry for hours i don't mean to scare you when i scream and punch things i never meant to do those things like keying your car i never meant to drop everything and go across multiple state lines with no plans at all i never meant to hurt myself until my arms were coated in scars for all of the times i self-medicated poked myself with needles and drank away my pain, i'm sorry i shouldn't have taken so many xanax you're right i was wrong again i never meant for you to be my caretaker i hate those words caretaker i should be able to take care of myself i'm sorry i am not managing this illness i am very very ill i'm sorry for the times i couldn't get out of bed couldn't eat, couldn't move couldn't go to work i'm sorry for the times i made tons of post-it notes filled journals with ideas bought calendars and organization tools i'm sorry for getting your hopes up i really thought i could do it this time i'm sorry for my diagnosis i'm sorry i didn't understand how serious this is i didn't ask to be bipolar i didn't ask to be born i make cases for myself in my head but they're all filed as crazy i'm sorry i was delusional paranoid and afraid i'm sorry for the drug binges i'm sorry for melting fading burning and still coming back alive these low lows and high highs you've been through the ringer when you're only supposed to be support, a resource of compassion... you had to be a caretaker you didn't ask for this and neither did i i sometimes questioned if it was harder on you to live with someone with bipolar disorder than it was for me to live with bipolar disorder you wanted to save me but you realized that i can only save myself now i'm drowning and my lifeline is gone i'm trying to learn to swim i just hope i do it before i sink i'm sorry for all of the ****** poetry i made you read i'm sorry
0
Dec 25, 2016
Dec 25, 2016 at 1:40 AM UTC
Bipolar Disorder
i don't want to have these bipolar conversations where i threaten, and apologize, and demand, and apologize again i don't mean to take you through the ringer to make you see violence and mood swings i don't mean to scare you when i don't take my medicine i don't mean to scare you when i cry for hours i don't mean to scare you when i scream and punch things i never meant to do those things like keying your car i never meant to drop everything and go across multiple state lines with no plans at all i never meant to hurt myself until my arms were coated in scars for all of the times i self-medicated poked myself with needles and drank away my pain, i'm sorry i shouldn't have taken so many xanax you're right i was wrong again i never meant for you to be my caretaker i hate those words caretaker i should be able to take care of myself i'm sorry i am not managing this illness i am very very ill i'm sorry for the times i couldn't get out of bed couldn't eat, couldn't move couldn't go to work i'm sorry for the times i made tons of post-it notes filled journals with ideas bought calendars and organization tools i'm sorry for getting your hopes up i really thought i could do it this time i'm sorry for my diagnosis i'm sorry i didn't understand how serious this is i didn't ask to be bipolar i didn't ask to be born i make cases for myself in my head but they're all filed as crazy i'm sorry i was delusional paranoid and afraid i'm sorry for the drug binges i'm sorry for melting fading burning and still coming back alive these low lows and high highs you've been through the ringer when you're only supposed to be support, a resource of compassion... you had to be a caretaker you didn't ask for this and neither did i i sometimes questioned if it was harder on you to live with someone with bipolar disorder than it was for me to live with bipolar disorder you wanted to save me but you realized that i can only save myself now i'm drowning and my lifeline is gone i'm trying to learn to swim i just hope i do it before i sink i'm sorry for all of the ****** poetry i made you read i'm sorry
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105
My small hut of dreams surviving all alone atop of hill covered all around with huge deodar trees of muddy wall and slanting roof sill Ginger and cardamom tea near the orange fire place reading journals I will live , capturing the first snow in days freshly baked potato in oven clay sprinkled rock salt with melted cheese fragrant leaves of corainder lingers on and stays sweet and sour taste of wine from the close by farm of grapes friends and family gather everynight over dinner and United prays bells echoing mystery in the air far from the temples on a difficult mountain where path to heavens looks reachable trekking the rocks in sun and in rain Manisha
0
Aug 24, 2015
Aug 24, 2015 at 4:24 AM UTC
Comforting Hills
Substitutions are short term solutions To problems that we cannot resolve Even though I am human, I need to evolve My hand is not my companion It doesn't ask me how happy I am The twitch happens and its time to go again Is this how sobriety is supposed to play out? Kicking ***** to the curb, only to receive In return an obsession, over my depression To try and write down life's lessons? Yet with all these journals half empty What exactly am I saving for me? Disappointment, because I missed the Appointment to my own creativity? I do have a proclivity to playing out My own self-fulfilling prophecies Oh well, that's just me
0
Jul 10, 2022
Jul 10, 2022 at 1:23 PM UTC
Substitutions
Tus patas tamalonas, your fat feet Fat feet That makes the ground tremble as I take a step My feet are flat To be closer to the earth God wanted me to remain grounded To grow roots before I yearned for the sky My grandma's feet: Callous, hard, dry Her feet were old books filled with handwritten poems Romantic love journals Her callous feet had to get like that So that thorns and nails could no longer hurt My grandmothers' travesia was grand Her feet were so eager to move on That they walked on their own Patas! Patas tamalonas! Grandmother would tickle my feet And I'd laugh Grandma, why do we get feet? Because God wants us to walk mijo Even when your feet are flat Fat, uneven, or they hurt you must always walk Stand up when they try to force you to sit down Because those feet are yours Today I walk, following your footprints My fat feet being embraced by the hot sand As I follow the sound of the waves There you are Waiting for me at the edge...
0
Sep 28, 2016
Sep 28, 2016 at 3:36 PM UTC
Fat Feet Like Tamales
Guys with long hair have agendas. And if they don't, they're stoners and 'agenda' a really long word, man. Guys with long hair are the poetic types with acoustic guitars and incense in their dorm room and they hold their hair back with a pen behind their ear and they use it to write in a leather-bound journal about girls who smoke too much and have soft ***** so they can pick up more girls who smoke too much and have soft ***** Guys with long hair are the metalheads who sit in the back of class and use their hair to distract from the fact that they're wearing poor-quality ironic headphones that project Alice in Chains to everyone within a four-desk radius but no one's going to say anything because hey, that guy's a creep. Guys with long hair are the classical types that play expensive instruments and have beautiful eyes that you can't see very often and have to keep ponytail elastics on their wrists, their wrists that never stop moving, conducting, tapping, curling, because Chopin slows for no man, no matter how long his locks. And if you poured all these guys with long hair in a test tube and melted them until the agendas broke and forged and changed colors, you'd have him. I found him in a smoky sweet basement in a house where everyone belongs but no one should actually live. I braided his shoulder-brushing hair without asking and saw his smile like a chunk of snow the size of your high school falling off a mountain, fast and white, huge and more important than anything else around. I found him again in a different basement where only musicians belong. He invited me into the closet with the piano and it's like he asked me to crawl inside his head and hang out for a while. He casually mentioned his favorite angry bands while his fingers brushed keys in an order they seemed to know on their own, tendons and strings. He says things that deserve to be handwritten in leather-bound journals. He holds your wrist with one hand when you shake the other because people have become desensitized to handshakes and don't feel the human contact of it anymore. He hugs to the right because you're supposed to hug heart-to-heart. "People are going to judge based on what they see anyway. Might as well make sure they're right, sort of."
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Feb 18, 2013
Feb 18, 2013 at 6:15 PM UTC
guys with long hair
Guys with long hair have agendas. And if they don't, they're stoners and 'agenda' a really long word, man. Guys with long hair are the poetic types with acoustic guitars and incense in their dorm room and they hold their hair back with a pen behind their ear and they use it to write in a leather-bound journal about girls who smoke too much and have soft ***** so they can pick up more girls who smoke too much and have soft ***** Guys with long hair are the metalheads who sit in the back of class and use their hair to distract from the fact that they're wearing poor-quality ironic headphones that project Alice in Chains to everyone within a four-desk radius but no one's going to say anything because hey, that guy's a creep. Guys with long hair are the classical types that play expensive instruments and have beautiful eyes that you can't see very often and have to keep ponytail elastics on their wrists, their wrists that never stop moving, conducting, tapping, curling, because Chopin slows for no man, no matter how long his locks. And if you poured all these guys with long hair in a test tube and melted them until the agendas broke and forged and changed colors, you'd have him. I found him in a smoky sweet basement in a house where everyone belongs but no one should actually live. I braided his shoulder-brushing hair without asking and saw his smile like a chunk of snow the size of your high school falling off a mountain, fast and white, huge and more important than anything else around. I found him again in a different basement where only musicians belong. He invited me into the closet with the piano and it's like he asked me to crawl inside his head and hang out for a while. He casually mentioned his favorite angry bands while his fingers brushed keys in an order they seemed to know on their own, tendons and strings. He says things that deserve to be handwritten in leather-bound journals. He holds your wrist with one hand when you shake the other because people have become desensitized to handshakes and don't feel the human contact of it anymore. He hugs to the right because you're supposed to hug heart-to-heart. "People are going to judge based on what they see anyway. Might as well make sure they're right, sort of."
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9
I'm sorry If I woke you up last night My pen told me secrets in whispers And I carved scars and tales Of silly incantations and old fallen trees Of silver days in summer breeze and tattered amber sundresses Of apple bites and ripe grapes near the broken glass on the carpet; they decayed Ashes danced on my lips; sculpting poems on my skin and flicking cigarette on my wounds Smudged mascara and dulcet memories Leather fabricated journals of vintage times hiding crisp carcasses of yellow daises Euphonious chortles and early morning smiles Forgotten tea leaves in the teapot and ginger bread turning cold Sun rays, like gold dust, sparkling in the air Through the tall trees of a forest hanging on the clouds in despair First day of Spring, magical it is like a caterpillar's fate Silky cocoon, shiny chrysalis, emerging out as a butterfly Leaving as old and embracing the new Igniting the sky over my purple roof
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Sep 15, 2018
Sep 15, 2018 at 6:07 AM UTC
Broken Images
All these stanzas look alike they talk about the same things with the same words, the same poem written over and over again like voices, whispers, copying each other unable to feel and trust experience differently, socialized for homogeneity unified but dull, strong but obedient their writing seemed the narratives of machines unable to innovate plagiarizing voices they believed were their own, authentic, pure their literary journals were a politics of masters of arts and agendas of contests like car commercials without a proper enjoyment of speed, or our favorite writers whose names we only knew because they were the ones who died at the right time while somebody was looking, reading them but the bookstores didn’t know their metaphors were weak, or their life’s work was merely symbolic, that’s the thing isn’t it poets are only symbols, as poems are only fluff, paper, the labor of writers-in-residence while the rest of the world are more interested in serial killers and which stocks might be worth getting into, and when to sell out investing in words seemed silly to them and, in my selected works there was nothing of how to be a Poet Laureate or how to win prizes exceptional or not, publication was left to amazon state grants, fellowships, visiting writers academics who never felt truly how to write poetry at its heart was a colonization of artists few could share what that meant, we were the first illiterate generation, spending more time with the internet than with books.
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Oct 18, 2014
Oct 18, 2014 at 12:04 PM UTC
On the decline of literacy
All these stanzas look alike they talk about the same things with the same words, the same poem written over and over again like voices, whispers, copying each other unable to feel and trust experience differently, socialized for homogeneity unified but dull, strong but obedient their writing seemed the narratives of machines unable to innovate plagiarizing voices they believed were their own, authentic, pure their literary journals were a politics of masters of arts and agendas of contests like car commercials without a proper enjoyment of speed, or our favorite writers whose names we only knew because they were the ones who died at the right time while somebody was looking, reading them but the bookstores didn’t know their metaphors were weak, or their life’s work was merely symbolic, that’s the thing isn’t it poets are only symbols, as poems are only fluff, paper, the labor of writers-in-residence while the rest of the world are more interested in serial killers and which stocks might be worth getting into, and when to sell out investing in words seemed silly to them and, in my selected works there was nothing of how to be a Poet Laureate or how to win prizes exceptional or not, publication was left to amazon state grants, fellowships, visiting writers academics who never felt truly how to write poetry at its heart was a colonization of artists few could share what that meant, we were the first illiterate generation, spending more time with the internet than with books.
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37
trying not to **** myself like gratitude journals and internalizing every word on drake's new album trying to understand why you want to **** me in the middle of 12 am twitter dms wearing your words like a straight jacket that once made me feel free tiny desk concerts like a hard life lesson with lukewarm thoughts of you on the hottest of days
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Jul 11, 2018
Jul 11, 2018 at 2:30 AM UTC
happy thoughts in the middle of bum-fuck pa
There are boys that cry, There are girls who have dry eyes. There are boys that dance or play volleyball, There are girls that wrestle or play football. There are boys who drive VW Bugs, There are girls that drive trucks. There are boys that bake, There are girls that shred. There are boys that like the Notebook, There are girls that like Transformers. There are boys that are romantics at heart, looking for love, There are girls that aren't into flowers or love songs. There are boys with hair to their knees, There are girls with shaved heads. There are boys with diaries and journals full of memories, There are girls who have no desire to write down all the details. There are boys with names like Aubry, There are girls with names like Sam. There are boys with insecurities about their bodies, There are girls who don't weigh themselves ever. There are boys with eating disorders, There are girls who work out for the ideal 6 pack. There are boys that prep endlessly for a date, There are girls who take 5 minutes to get out the door. There are tidy, neat boys, There are messy, whirlwind girls. There are boys in dresses, There are girls in baggy jeans and a pullover. There are boys who shop endlessly, There are girls who can't stand the mall. There are boys that talk about their emotions, There are girls who would rather not. There are boys that look after the kids, There are girls that work full-time. There are boys who are nurses, There are girls who are engineers. There are boys who cook, There are girls that change the oil in the car. There are boys who are complacent and subordinate, There are girls who are dominant and overpowering. There are boys with no desire to get it in on the first date, And there are some girls who wouldn't mind if they do. And those are all okay. Gender stereotyping only limits what you can and can't do. Let the boys cry and write poetry and eat chocolate when they're sad and talk about their feelings. Let the girls be aggressive and wrestle their buddies and play ball and drive sports cars. Let people do as they please. You're born as you a are, you can't decide what gender you are. You can decide what you do with your gender though, or rather what it won't keep you from doing. Your gender is only an aspect of who you are, don't let it dictate your actions to appease a society that has deemed what is and is not okay for you to do simply because you're either a guy or girl. There are boys and girls that can grow up to be what they please, do as they wish and speak as they will. Don't be the one to tell them otherwise.
0
Nov 26, 2013
Nov 26, 2013 at 1:00 AM UTC
There are boys, there are girls
There are boys that cry, There are girls who have dry eyes. There are boys that dance or play volleyball, There are girls that wrestle or play football. There are boys who drive VW Bugs, There are girls that drive trucks. There are boys that bake, There are girls that shred. There are boys that like the Notebook, There are girls that like Transformers. There are boys that are romantics at heart, looking for love, There are girls that aren't into flowers or love songs. There are boys with hair to their knees, There are girls with shaved heads. There are boys with diaries and journals full of memories, There are girls who have no desire to write down all the details. There are boys with names like Aubry, There are girls with names like Sam. There are boys with insecurities about their bodies, There are girls who don't weigh themselves ever. There are boys with eating disorders, There are girls who work out for the ideal 6 pack. There are boys that prep endlessly for a date, There are girls who take 5 minutes to get out the door. There are tidy, neat boys, There are messy, whirlwind girls. There are boys in dresses, There are girls in baggy jeans and a pullover. There are boys who shop endlessly, There are girls who can't stand the mall. There are boys that talk about their emotions, There are girls who would rather not. There are boys that look after the kids, There are girls that work full-time. There are boys who are nurses, There are girls who are engineers. There are boys who cook, There are girls that change the oil in the car. There are boys who are complacent and subordinate, There are girls who are dominant and overpowering. There are boys with no desire to get it in on the first date, And there are some girls who wouldn't mind if they do. And those are all okay. Gender stereotyping only limits what you can and can't do. Let the boys cry and write poetry and eat chocolate when they're sad and talk about their feelings. Let the girls be aggressive and wrestle their buddies and play ball and drive sports cars. Let people do as they please. You're born as you a are, you can't decide what gender you are. You can decide what you do with your gender though, or rather what it won't keep you from doing. Your gender is only an aspect of who you are, don't let it dictate your actions to appease a society that has deemed what is and is not okay for you to do simply because you're either a guy or girl. There are boys and girls that can grow up to be what they please, do as they wish and speak as they will. Don't be the one to tell them otherwise.
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44
budding thoughts of newer days on post-its everywhere each behold a simple life that should be made to bear tiny futures made of ink that whistle under hands wait until they’re asked to speak as more the world demands if every human from the earth fulfilled their ecstasy then nothing would be hungered for and none would cease to be we’ll search the journals and the notes if we can do a thing for those who can’t or those who won’t to live under a wing to wish is but to live or die and you’ve been last to know the nights are cold and days are dry so write them as you go
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Feb 28, 2021
Feb 28, 2021 at 9:05 AM UTC
tiny futures
I take a deep breath to staunch That constant clang and clatter Be still and follow the hunch Before it’s too late to matter I need a quiet place A shift in space, a change in stealth My next breath can create Some room to gaze at something else Soon I must take a break I can’t settle down or think straight Wrestling with those demons I know not the time or the date Looking back looks so abnormal Deadly games of Red Rover Spawning pages from my journals Replaying over and over I know not steps to take On pathways for planting the seed Peace, her elusive face Turns away whenever I plead Time to build that Safe House Only I have the key to the door Where peace and bliss abounds I meet each holy moment and soar Seek a new vision there And learn to think more about others Let go my tormented memories Seeing All-my Sisters and Brothers I find that peaceful space Just to release what I don’t need Harmony-Beauty-Love Replaces all my soul has freed Filling up my Heart Space As soft as a sweet baby’s kiss Some name the feeling Grace I feel a sense of peace and bliss
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Mar 23, 2016
Mar 23, 2016 at 4:28 PM UTC
I Need a Quiet Place
(not much of a poem) Thrice awake, asleep, again awake Something always wakes me up The phone sounded, nobody answered Procession and vigil ended Late fireworks echoed through this Black Saturday night.. I'm deciding: to cease, or not to cease I can't find my desired peace To find lost journals, or just burn what's left, old and new To start or not to start, a life anew To rise, or just lie through this hot evening My late mother said then: Black Saturdays are days...rarely ending Black Saturdays are for resurrecting...celebrating... This late night, it is segue-ing, to an Easter morning While dogs are barking, while gecko is calling Cats are quiet, where are they stashed? where could they be hiding? Here...now... I am a car, my motor is hushed...but i am still running... Sally Copyright April 4, 2015 Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan
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Apr 5, 2015
Apr 5, 2015 at 6:28 AM UTC
Black Saturday Night
Happy birthday to all mothers out there alive or in angelic form. You will forever be missed Angelina Descovia Aug 1, 1958 Time to return home to your glorified kingdom. Jan 6, 2006. Do not rush your time to leave this realm somebody other than you needs your story in order to survive! If you are here today, somebody other than yourself needs you alive! I know we are all human. Humans aren't eternal, for on the contrary the soul is! I pray your life becomes a "legacy", for you guided me at a point as inspiration as many of you have. They say angels never cry. It puts my mind in wonder on where rainfall comes from since heaven is beyond the skies. I'll never forget your voice. I'll never speak of you in vain. I'll always remember that you brought us love to keep us free from harm and pain. It hurts to go on with your energy. I do not condemn this world or any God. No source is at fault for your departure. I believe this much is true Everyday I break and rebuild myself until I'm good as new. In the skin that I'm in I feel lost I have not done enough to earn my wings or to say I have a "Golden Heart" I will never forget quotes and poems you composed in your journals of your journeys You're in a place of safety and harmony where love is eternal. Heaven is a place for angels and for we will meet again. I will always remember the memories that give me strength to fight and protect our youth. You empowered many and open eyes to many truths. I will forever remember. I will forever fight for light. I will never forget you. Thank you for everything mom. ❤️
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Aug 1, 2021
Aug 1, 2021 at 9:22 PM UTC
You are Eternal (Rest In Paradise Angelina Descovia)
Happy birthday to all mothers out there alive or in angelic form. You will forever be missed Angelina Descovia Aug 1, 1958 Time to return home to your glorified kingdom. Jan 6, 2006. Do not rush your time to leave this realm somebody other than you needs your story in order to survive! If you are here today, somebody other than yourself needs you alive! I know we are all human. Humans aren't eternal, for on the contrary the soul is! I pray your life becomes a "legacy", for you guided me at a point as inspiration as many of you have. They say angels never cry. It puts my mind in wonder on where rainfall comes from since heaven is beyond the skies. I'll never forget your voice. I'll never speak of you in vain. I'll always remember that you brought us love to keep us free from harm and pain. It hurts to go on with your energy. I do not condemn this world or any God. No source is at fault for your departure. I believe this much is true Everyday I break and rebuild myself until I'm good as new. In the skin that I'm in I feel lost I have not done enough to earn my wings or to say I have a "Golden Heart" I will never forget quotes and poems you composed in your journals of your journeys You're in a place of safety and harmony where love is eternal. Heaven is a place for angels and for we will meet again. I will always remember the memories that give me strength to fight and protect our youth. You empowered many and open eyes to many truths. I will forever remember. I will forever fight for light. I will never forget you. Thank you for everything mom. ❤️
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27
All defined, labeled, identified. like quiet children who stand aside, Silent as a dusty book, Captivated by their own shoes, must be pardoned, must be excused. Those who mumble and avoid your eyes, them do not mind, they’re just shy. Imagine if everything still and reserved Were undermined by such a word. What would we say of those calm characters mountains, towers, poetry, flowers? If perchance one afternoon we met the horizon or the moon, Are we to say that because often they stand away, Afar in photos, landscapes, scenery, off center, silent, beyond the sea, That these defining features of the sky Should be cast off and labeled shy? Those amongst us, who silently Live largely in their reverie, Hiding behind their books and journals, Heard not, but for the scratch of their pencils, Will name you someday; They'll have something undeniably brilliant to say. Should you disagree, consider and think, Violent, boisterous thunder is the voice of silent-seeming lightning.
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Aug 3, 2011
Aug 3, 2011 at 11:15 PM UTC
Shy