You are the ghost that encompasses love; you possess my every thought.*

     Dust layers almost every object throughout each room of this small apartment. Beneath a white sheet, the dark brown, ragged couch is a perfect image of the haunting fear I hold inside.
     In the miserable corner lay your favourite red guitar. It is covered in a blanket of neglect; never again will it feel your calloused fingertips slide across the cracked fret board. Crop circles design the hardwood of where the other furniture once stood.
     I have yet to set foot in this room; it’s been months since the front room has ever felt sunlight. It’s been months since I’ve been able to cross the threshold where our relationship was at its peak, and wipe clean everything that we’ve left behind.
     I don’t want this to disappear, forever. Besides the memories that haunt me, this is all I have left of you. It hurts to look at this room, where we’d snuggle on the once healthy-looking and clean couch, watching our favourite black and white movies. I cannot part myself from this place where the memories still live.
     Our bedroom… the bedroom still holds the faint scent of your cologne that wafts through the house when a small breeze slithers through the window, opened slightly to rid the musty stench. A chamomile candle is lit there too, though it does nothing to sooth my nerves.
     I once took up drinking, but it always ended in passing out. I’d recover consciousness to the overwhelming stench of *****; my hair would be sprawled and stuck in a pool of it. It was a messy ordeal—I couldn’t understand why so many people turned to it to fix their problems. I dropped that immediately.
     Smoking created stress relief for a maximum of ten minutes, which would last me a trip to the grocery store. The smell stained my clothes, my hair, my apartment for what felt like months of cleaning could fix. That was only three weeks after everything collapsed.
     I’m clean, which is probably the least I can say for myself. I couldn’t touch your *****, beer, whiskey, cigarettes, lighters. I had to buy my own; all of your possessions were poison to the touch. I don’t know how you could so easily leave all of your belongings behind for me to look at every single day.
     I lay in bed every night, curled into a tight ball of discomfort in complete darkness. My mind finds it suitable to replay our relationship as a movie as I whimper softly. I am never able to sleep. Dark circles are prominent under my eyes.
     The happiest memories come first. When we moved into our apartment, it was small and *****, much as it looks right now. Happily, we cleaned it together, dancing and singing and giggling about. That was the happiest we’ve ever been. That was right after high school ended, when we were dating for two years. We were harmoniously in love, with no greater differences.
     Then the night we were engaged… You took me out to the garden overlooking Niagara Falls. That was my favourite place to go. The car ride was only twenty minutes from our apartment, but you were so eager to get there faster. The falls glowed a lovely spectrum of colors, while the mist rose above and blended with the explosion of fireworks.
     “Elise, you and I have been together since graduation. All through college, we were the happiest couple anyone knew. We’ve had our ups and downs—that’s a given—but lately, baby, we’ve only been going up. You’re my sweet, gorgeous, lovely girlfriend. I love you so much; I’d like to change that term to fiancée. Will you marry me?”
     A firework exploded as I smiled and jumped into your arms. Ever since you’d hinted this a few months earlier, and I told you that as long as you didn’t follow the cliché and go down on one knee, and you agreed, I knew one day to expect it.
     “You mean you had nothing to do with this firework display?” I grinned, “Of course, Jeremy. Yes, I will marry you!” We shared a long, hard kiss before we went on the rest of our night. I glowed ecstatically as I walked around, very well aware of the small series of diamonds on my ring finger.
     I never expected that night to go as well as it did. I never expected you to become the nightmare you did, either.
     It was a wonderful romance until the occasional fight turned into an every day activity that we participated in. The night you came home late was the first of it, when you came home almost an hour later than you finished work.
     I stood in the kitchen, looking out the front window facing the driveway when you pulled in. Your response was a mumble as you walked right by me, paying me not attention. “Long night, babe?” I had ask. It was a completely innocent question, but you turned down the hallway around the corner by the fridge, and simply replied with a sharp tone, “Yepp. Goin’ to bed.” “I love you.” I called after you. “Mhmm,” you replied.
     Some nights you redeemed yourself. As I sat in the passenger seat of the car, you’d speed through the roadway and talk about yourself. At the restaurant, I’d pick the food off my plate and ate it slowly, but you’d notice and make me laugh softly. It was just an act—I didn’t want to let my mind think that it was bad as it was, and I didn’t want to let you know that the past few nights weren’t as bad as you thought. Then you paid for both of our meals, escorted me to the car, and we took off to the mall.
    Into the most expensive dress store we went, and you bought me a red satin dress that you thought looked great on me. You then found a three-hundred dollar necklace that matched perfectly, and I agreed that it was gorgeous. Of course I loved them—they were beautiful. You still cared enough to buy me these things.
     “There’s that gorgeous smile I fell in love with. I haven’t seen that in a while, babe. It suits you.” You smiled, gazing lovingly into my eyes and gently cupping my face in your hands. I had flinched at your touch at first, but I adjusted to the former comfort of your warmth.
     Our relationship balanced itself on a teeter totter through the last few months. As time went on, it got worse. Every innocent question I’d ask about you would set you off. My words were like a switch that I couldn’t control; you’d either respond blankly, or angry and impatiently. It was hard to tell every time you’d return home from work which man I’d be speaking to.
     I was interrogated, and it usually ended in horror. When I went out for dinner with my friend (who, evidently, was gay) you were so angry—I’ll never forget your reddened face—you shoved me into the bookshelf.    
     Yet still, I loved you all the time, even when you cared nothing for my feelings or listened to what I had to say. You turned selfish. Desperately, I grasped the memories of the good times to replace with the bad. There was always enough of it to cover, but the black cloud still remained.
     I gave you all I had, and all I was.
    
     My best friend Jocelyn from high school had to come over on the first night you left. You got upset because I didn’t have the money to make a good meal, so instead we had to have sandwiches for dinner. It wasn’t my fault—we both knew I couldn’t find a job; you were supporting us both, yet you were okay with that when you asked me to move in with you. “I’m starting to not be able to handle living here, Elise,” you yelled as I watched the door shut after you. I cried so hard that night, because I felt guilty.
     I had dropped nearly thirty pounds the last month before you left. I couldn’t eat, or I’d throw up. My body completely rejected everything I put into it. The nights I had locked myself in the bathrooms were a clear heads up that you could leave without saying a word.
     My best friend, once again came to my rescue. That night I’d developed an eating disorder, Jocelyn, who weighed as much as I did before, carried me effortlessly to my room and laid me in bed.  
     She tried to coax me out of the house, but I couldn’t leave looking the way I did. I knew I looked ghastly, but she said nothing. Where would I go, anyways? She had her own boyfriend and a two year old by that time. I was thankful enough, though, that she was there for me when I needed her the most.
     “I’m going to get you out of here. He’s so bad to you,” She told me once. We were sitting at the dining table while you were at work. “You don’t understand, I love him. I keep thinking that this is just a nightmare—a phase; it’ll go away in time.” I defended both myself and yourself with a sigh. “Look at you, Elise,” she whispered, as if it hurt to say it. “I’m sorry.” She quickly apologized. “I can’t help it, I’m just so tired…”
     She’d never spend the night, though she wished to, and I never left with her. She was so fearful of you and what you’d do to her. That was another reason she never called the police; if you knew I didn’t do it, you’d find her. A heavily-built man like yourself was intimidating to anyone you ever knew. That was another advantage in your direction.

     On the second last day, Jocelyn had to come over, with our other good friend Jayme, to help me out of bed. By the time we’d reached the kitchen that morning, you busted through the door, drunken and enraged.
     Your eyes of cold, steel grey focused on mine and I jumped, startled. Angrily, you broke the bridge of support the girls held me in, knocking me to the floor. “You two better get the hell out of here before I call the cops!” You slurred.
     It made no sense if you did because they’d take you away for the abuse that was evident on my thin skin. It didn’t matter anyways.
     Jocelyn screamed, “You’re demonic and you are a failure of a human being.” You nearly knocked her on the side of the head and stormed out again before yelling, “I’m done with you, I hate what you’ve become. You don’t even look like a person anymore.” My girls insisted on staying over, but I wanted nothing more than to be alone.
     The next morning, I walked out into the living room. My eyes were barely open, because I was extremely tired as always. It startled me when I noticed you sitting on the couch, watching me as I walked out of our bedroom. “Sorry.” You mumbled with softness in your eyes that I almost didn’t recognize anymore. You then enveloped me in your arms, which didn’t smell like alcohol, but rather the new-clothes smell. It actually brought some relief—some comfort. “It’s okay,” I couldn’t fight it anymore.
     But you never did learn that you can’t say sorry and expect to be forgiven as easily as you could say one word. We spent that night together but I didn’t smile once. You never once asked about me, apologized specifically for hurting me, yelling at me, anything. All you talked about was yourself.
     “You have to leave, Jeremy. I can’t handle this anymore.” I looked down at the sheet we wrapped ourselves in. Through my hair I saw your wrinkled, scruffy face fall. “You can’t apologize enough. But if you wish to one day come back and treat me the way you did in the beginning, I’ll be waiting with open arms.” Then you got up, and walked out of my life.

     I didn’t think that was the last time I’d see you. Knocks went unanswered at the door for months, but I’d know if it was you. I sense these things.
    
     For now I wait, pace back and forth through this hallway, waiting for you to become a better man. The photograph of us hanging on the wall has yellowed, and as I trail along beside it, I pass over the crumpled collection of clothing with a *** of paper underneath it. My love for you will never die, the way another part of myself has.

I’d only woken an hour before
And it seemed to cause a stir,
With people pouring into the room,
Coming from everywhere,
They looked excited, stared at me
And I stared right back, confused,
But nobody said a word to me
And I started feeling used.

‘What the hell…’ I began to say,
But a nurse told me to hush,
Stuck a thermometer into my mouth
Then tried to feed me mush,
She cleared the room and a doctor came
And read my chart with a frown,
‘Welcome back to the world,’ he said,
‘It’s changed, since you were around.’

I couldn’t make head or tail of this,
I didn’t know where I was,
Loaded with tubes, I raised my arms
And flapped like an albatross,
‘Let me get out of here,’ I said,
‘I need to get up and walk!’
‘Your legs won’t carry you anywhere
Just yet, but we have to talk.’

He said I’d been out a long, long time,
It would take more time to adjust,
To start, he asked if I knew my name
So I told him, Benjamin Rust.
And then I remembered the bicycle
That I’d ridden down to the shop,
And the four wheel drive that had sped right by,
Too bad that it didn’t stop!

Then slowly figures came back to me,
A head full of raven hair,
Those pouting lips that had tempted me
And a dimple or two to spare,
She’d arched her brows in a quizzical way
When I’d shown her the double bed,
Then laughed, ‘You’re getting ahead of yourself,
I first need a ring,’ she said.

We’d courted all through the summer months
And made love late in the fall,
I’d said, ‘I don’t want a part of you,
I’d be content with it all!’
We wed in a little country church
Where the rain dripped down from the eaves,
And strolled from the vestry, hand in hand
As a breeze had fluttered the leaves.

My heart had leapt in that sterile room
As I caught the scent of her hair,
I said, ‘Is Jocelyn waiting here?’
The doctor continued to stare.
‘You have to know that your world has changed
And the change may bring you tears,
You haven’t been out for a week or so,
But over a number of years.’

I was feeling the panic rise in me
As those dreaded words sank in,
‘Over a number of years,’ he’d said,
As if I’d committed a sin!
And then, ‘How old do you think you are?’
I replied, ‘I’m twenty-two!’
He shook his head at the foot of the bed,
‘There’s a shock still coming to you.’

He wouldn’t say, and he went away
As I lay there, feeling grim,
So I asked the nurse, ‘How old am I?’
But she said, ‘Just wait for him.’
At three in the afternoon I sensed
A shadow, stood at the door,
And there was a matronly woman there
Who must have been fifty-four.

She said, ‘I can’t believe you’re awake,
We’d long given up on you,
They asked me to come to the hospital,
And I needed to see, it’s true.’
Her hair was grey, but she had a way
That dredged a dream from the past,
She said, ‘Do you know me, Jocelyn?
It’s good to see you at last.’

The horror rose in my throat at that,
My heart hung still in my chest,
‘My God, you look like your mother now…’
‘I knew that you’d be distressed.
I got a divorce when you didn’t wake
After ten long years in this bed,
I feel so sad, but I wed again…’
Her words, like knives in my head.

I’d lain in a coma, thirty years
Why didn’t they let me die?
Jocelyn said she paid for me
In hopes, she didn’t say why.
This world is a terrifying place
When you lose the love of your life,
And wake to the loss of thirty years…
I’ll slit my veins with a knife!

David Lewis Paget

Trish had an uncanny ability to pick all the wrong ones. Like a friend once told her, “You always try to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear!”  If there were a hundred available guys in a room, she always managed to zone in on the worst one there, not the kindest one, not the one with the greatest character or honor. It's like she had a special gift for finding a man—a cursed one—yet she had only herself to blame—not  fate for it—like she tried to point her finger at for her troubles. In this regard, Trish was often her own worst enemy. And none of her bad experiences seemed to deter her from her defeating patterns, for it seemed that having a ****** choice of a man in her life was better than having no man at all.

A Friday night without any date was something she desperately wanted to avoid. At the age of fifty-six, trying to meet men was getting old, as old as she was feeling, lately.

At Pete’s Place, a local bar down at the end of her street, and two blocks over, Trish could at least feel like she was among friends. It was an old hangout that always felt like a safe haven to turn to, familiar territory that she could call her own turf, her home away from home. Often, Trish encountered regulars, down-to-earth faces who have been going to the family-like establishment as long as or longer than she has. Drinking really was not her thing, not more than one or two, at the most. But if anything, if worst came to worst, she could say she was not home alone and left out while the world seemed to go on its own merry way without her.  

Pete’s Place was far from a glamorous hangout, but it had a cozy charm to it that made it irresistible to Trish. In the back were a pool table and a dartboard that provided some harmless enjoyment. With a couple of flat screen TVs, there usually was some sports game to watch. And every other Saturday, there was a DJ conducting Karaoke that always attracted a regular crowd. Trish couldn’t sing a note, but she loved to watch and cheer everybody else on. She just felt so welcome here, so at home, that even if she felt depressed or lonely, the atmosphere eventually lifted her heaviness of heart.  

Entering the bar this time, Trish hardly saw a familiar face at all—that was except for the bartender, Henry, who worked this job since forever. For a Friday night, business seemed surprisingly slow. There was only an older couple watching a baseball game that was at Pete’s Place, a couple that she did not recognize.

“Where is everybody?” Trish asked Henry.

Henry smiled. “Hey, Trish! Good to see ya! Yeah, it is like a ghost town tonight, isn’t it? I guess there are too many good things goin’ on down in Buffalo. I think there are some big boat races goin’ on. And, for sure, there is the jazz festival”.

“Well, I’m here, Henry! Look out, everybody! Let the fun begin!” she said jokingly as she sat herself up at one of the barstools. She looked around. Even the wait staff wasn’t around, obviously gone home early and not needed.

“Would have been nice to go somewhere fun like that. I mean the jazz festival. I like jazz”, Trish said to Henry.

Henry was trying to stay busy by wiping down the bar, cleaning every nook and cranny behind the counter. “You should have called up one of your girlfriends to go over there. I am sure someone would have gone with ya”.

Trish rolled her eyes. “What girlfriends? They are often too busy with their own husbands or men in their life to care about what poor, old Trish Urbine wants to do!”

Henry felt bad for her.  The more she frequented Pete’s Place, the more he knew she was all alone, was in between having some man in her life. And, lately, she was coming quite often to the bar by herself.

“You are not old, Trish! Hell, I am older than you!” Henry exclaimed.

Trish just frowned, not convinced at all by what Henry said. “Not old?” she asked. She pulled a small mirror out of her purse and looked at herself, giving herself the inspection of a drill sergeant. “That is a joke! Look at those bags under my eyes. Look at those crow’s feet, for pity’s sake!  Look at that droopy skin in my neck! Horrible! I am trying to save up for a face lift. I really need it! Been needing it for a while now!”

Henry shook his head. “All you women are alike. My wife does the same, **** thing, the same putdowns to herself. Says she’s fat. Says she’s getting old and ugly. Says this and says that. But let me tell you Trish, after thirty-six years of marriage, I still see her as my sweetheart. I’d have it no other way than with my Bernadette. He patted his belly and added, "Hell, look at me. Believe it or not, with my job, I don’t even drink that much beer. But look at the gut I am getting”.  

Trish scoffed at what he said. Henry looked nearly as lean as he did the first time she met him. He was just being nice. .Under better circumstances, she would have found what Henry said as endearing and charming. To say he still loved his wife as his “sweetheart” was incredibly adorable and rare.

“Hey”, Henry said. “Enough of my jibber jabber. Pardon my manners. What can I get for ya, dear?”

“Just a Diet Coke for me, Henry. I have to watch the calories myself. You know me—don’t want to get frumpy, lumpy and dumpy. At least not more than I am!” Trish smiled. She thought that her self disparaging remarks were a cute way of getting her point across with humor, but Henry couldn’t see anything funny about it.

He filled her glass of pop from the tap and handed it over to her. “Hey, how’s that daughter of yours doing? Is she still living in Albany?”  

Trish cupped her hands up to her forehead and rested her head on them. “She is still in Albany, but she might as be on the moon for all we ever talk to each other”. She looked up at Henry and he could see the frustration written all over her face.

“I didn’t mean to upset you”, he said.

“Oh, you didn’t”, she returned. “I appreciate you asking, but you know the situation with Patti and I. It is either that we are at each other’s throat or we just don’t talk. Truth be told, we haven’t really got along since she was a girl. Once she hit those teenage years—oh, man they were a nightmare! I wouldn’t relive those years for anything!”

Henry rested his elbows up on the bar counter. “Oh, I know what you mean!. My second son, my boy, Steven, and I had a terrible time once he hit about fifteen. Man, him and I bucked heads all the time. Yes, indeed! It could get ugly, and it sure as heck did! But now I’m proud of him! In Afghanistan, fighting for his country—that is somethin’ that makes me glad! Now, I say that I couldn’t ask for better sons. I’m proud of him—of all four of my boys as good, strong men that they are!”  

Trish sipped on her coke, a hurtful look upon her face while reflecting on her daughter, a daughter that she named after herself.  Both were named Patricia, but the same name did not mean two peas in a pod, actually far from it. Trish definitely preferred her name, short and sophisticated—so she had liked to think—and the name, Patti, seemed cute and carefree. But Patti seemed anything but cute and carefree, not like she was when she was very little. But the name stuck with her, as she preferred to be called

“Yeah, but Patti still lives in the past” Trish said. “She still blames me for everything wrong in her life. Nothing has changed, and I am still the bad guy. Trish thought for a second. “Well, her dad, too. He’s bad, too, in her eyes. She always says she raised herself, that she never had real parents. That’s crap because I raised her and I was around—unlike her useless father!”

“Sounds bitter on her part”, Henry agreed. He thought to say that Trish sounded a bit like that, too, but he did not think it was his place to say it out loud.

“Bitter is right”, Trish said in disgust.  

Bartenders have always been seen as good listeners, like the working man’s counselor. People, like Trish, often came in for a drink to try to forget their troubles, and wanting to lean on a trusty soul in need. Henry has seen plenty of this in his twenty-four years on the job, and he has honed the skill quite well, the skill of providing a listening ear. Sometimes he had good advice, but he knew he was no psychiatrist.    

Frustrated, Trish went on. “I mean who else was there for her? When her dad and I divorced, she wanted to stay with him just to spite me! But would he have her? No, he only wanted to be with his under aged, ***** wife!

“And who else would do what I did? When my step dad died, and my mom couldn’t handle my little brother anymore, who was it that took him in? It was me! He was eleven and I was almost twenty-two and living with my boyfriend. I helped to finish raising him, kept him at my place right up to the day that he was grown—and more! And I did it because it needed doing, and nobody else was stepping in! When my sister moved to Colorado, and one of her kids, my nephew, Craig, wanted to stay here to graduate here from high school, I agreed to take him in for two years until he finished high school. And yet I am such a bad, selfish person in Patti’s opinion! It makes me sick to think of how she sees me as her mother!”

Henry poured her a refill of pop in her half empty glass. He knew that Trish was on bad terms with her daughter, that their relationship was shaky and strained. Patti was Trish’s only child, and it troubled him that they didn’t have much of a relationship. Yet Trish did not need pity. She needed to refocus and find a new direction. Henry knew that she has needed a new direction for quite a while now.    

“Well, you know I love my daughter”, he replied. “I know your heart must be achin’ bad—real bad. I couldn’t imagine my life without Jocelyn or me not talkin’ to her. She’s the apple of my eye, ya know!  And my boys know it and get that she’s special to me—Daddy’s little girl. With four older brothers, she has always been outnumbered. And myself and the Mrs. never expected her, neither. One—two—three—four, the boys all came right in a row! She came way after, Ben, the last one—a big surprise, I tell ya! But I was tickled pink and couldn’t have been happier to have my little girl”.  Henry smiled warmly, and added, “No matter how old she gets, she will always be my little girl.”

Trish’s mood wasn’t influenced by what Henry said, not for the good. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

Henry looked a bit embarrassed. “Oh, I ain’t tryin’ to rub it in to ya! No, no Trish!  I’m just sayin’ you should see Patti as someone special, no matter what it is like now. She still is your daughter. And ya lover her! You know ya do! Try to get through to her. Keep on tryin’ and don’t give up hope.”

Trish didn’t look convinced by his little pep talk, so he said, “One day she will have her own children, and realize she will make mistakes, too. You sure will want to see those grandkids. Trust me! I live to see all of mine! ”

Patti sniffed at that comment, putting forth a laugh that seemed so phony and snarky. This behavior was not like her at all, not the bubbly Trish that Henry used to see coming into the bar. “Grandchildren? Are you kidding me? Patti wants nothing to do with men! She avoids them like the plague! Says she doesn’t want to end up like me…married and divorced four times…she says there is no excuse for it. But she uses me all the time as an excuse! I think she is just scared to death of relationships with guys!”

“I thought you were married three times?” Henry asked. He had a surprised look on his face, but then he tried to think differently. “But I don’t want to **** in on your life. It’s your business, not mine to judge”.

“No, Henry, it’s ok. My last marriage lasted only seven weeks”. She turned red in the face now, but she wanted to set it straight. “Patti thinks it is disgusting that I married all those times. My last husband tried to clear out my bank account, and I left him. Patti says she will never marry. She won’t touch a man with a ten foot pole to save her life!”

She paused as Henry stared intently at her, listening. “She does not want to end up like me”, she added, her voice throaty. Tears welled up in her eyes.  

Patti was the product of Trish’s first marriage to a man named Earl Colbert. When Patti was six, her father divorced her mother. Since then, Patti had seen plenty of men come and go. In between her other three husbands, there were too many boyfriends to even keep track of. Trish was also engaged twice, but the engagements were eventually broken off.    

She sat in silence as Henry was still thinking of the right thing to say to comfort her. Soon, two young couples had entered through the door, dispersing the air of awkwardness, and stopping the conversation between Henry and Trish.  Henry continued to clean up around the bar as he waved to them and welcomed their presence. One of the guys came up and ordered a pitcher of beer before joining his friends at a table.

It was no more than a few minutes later that another customer approached inside Pete’s Place. It was Jake. Trish rolled her eyes at Henry. He was a regular here, too, like she was, and about the same age as her.

Jake immediately came up to Trish and put his arm around her. “Buy you a drink, darlin’?” he asked. His breath already smelled of alcohol.  

“Oh, Jake, get away!” Trish scolded him. “You know I don’t accept drinks from married men, so move on!” She waved her hand in the air to clear the bothersome odor of his ***** away from her.

Jack just laughed, and moved to the other end of the bar, his usual spot. Henry kept his calm although he did not like Jake acting like a fool to Trish, or to any of the women who came here. He had to do his duty and serve Jake, but if he had his way the guy would be just a step away from being told to leave. Henry always kept a close eye on how much Jake was drinking, and he often cut him off when it seemed he had his share.

“Whisky, Henry”, Jake ordered. They both knew the routine.

With his whisky in hand, Jake smirked at Trish and asked, “How come you ain’t at that big jazz festival downtown?”  

“How come you ain’t?” she echoed him, sarcastically

“Cuz I don’t have a sweet lady to go with me and keep my company”. He winked at her, and downed a gulp of whisky.

“Oh, you mean like your—wife!” Trish said.  Jake and Trish often bantered like this to each other. “You will never change, Jake. You are a rude and obnoxious flirt, and you ought to be ashamed!”

Jake just laughed her off.  “Sweetie, my wife knows I’m a big flirt. She’s OK with it! She says ‘as long as you are peeking and not seeking, who cares what you do!’”

The two young couples that came in a while ago overheard Jake’s conversation and started to crack up in laughter. It seemed that he was the entertainment for a lackluster evening at the bar, a court jester of sorts. Trish looked at the four, young faces that were laughing at her expense, glanced at Henry in silent agreement that Jake was an idiot, and quickly turned red in the face.

“Jake, shut your big mouth!” Henry intervened. “You lie as much as you belt them down!”  When Jake was more sober, he seemed pretty reasonable, but he was nauseating when he was on a drinking binge.

Henry exited into a room behind the bar for a moment. Jake whispered loudly to Trish, like an impish, little boy who knew he might get caught, but loved the thrill of it. “Psst. Hey, Trish! Look! My wife’s no fun at all! Won’t go out with me no more. The festival is going on all weekend. Just give me your number and I’ll call you tomorrow and pick you up to take you there”.

Trish pretended like she did not hear him, still rattled up a bit, but trying her best to hide it, and Jake soon devoted his mind to his drink.

She turned herself around in the barstool and pretended to watch the baseball game. The scene in the room was still practically the same way since she first arrived. Only now there was an edgier atmosphere with the four younger people in it. The older couple was still sitting together in the corner, intent on watching the ball game. The two younger couples were drinking down their pitcher of beer and talking away. One of the young man had his arm around his girlfriend, gently caressing her back, and the other young couple, that was sitting across from them was holding hands.  

In longing, Trish looked on at the young couples. How she m

La nuit, quand par hasard je m'éveille, et je pense
Que dehors et dedans tout est calme et silence,
Et qu'oubliant Laurence, auprès de moi dormant,
Mon cœur mal éveillé se croit seul un moment ;
Si j'entends tout à coup son souffle qui s'exhale,
Régulier, de son sein sortir à brise égale,
Ce souffle harmonieux d'un enfant endormi !
Sur un coude appuyé je me lève à demi,
Comme au chevet d'un fils, une mère qui veille ;
Cette haleine de paix rassure mon oreille ;
Je bénis Dieu tout bas de m'avoir accordé
Cet ange que je garde et dont je suis gardé ;
Je sens, aux voluptés dont ces heures sont pleines,
Que mon âme respire et vit dans deux haleines ;
Quelle musique aurait pour moi de tels accords ?
Je l'écoute longtemps dormir, et me rendors !

De la Grotte, 16 décembre 1793.

The bright sun’s rays
Are dappled as they strike
The manicured greensward.
He, tall, lithe, teeth all aglow
In cream slacks and pastel blouson,
She, fair and fairylike in acres of shimmering gauze,
Alight from the auto
At the site of their ‘manger al fresco’
Let us call them Justin and Jocelyn.
The basket is heavy
No matter.
He lifts it clear to carry
She gasps, he grins.
In minutes the scene is set
The rug, the plates, the glasses
The pate, the cold chicken,
The fruit….the wine.
He deflowers a bottle of Moselle,
Wishing it were her.
Guessing as much she blushes.
Ants retreat to nests
Wasps attack alternate targets
Flies zoom elsewhere to feed.
And all the while the sun
The golden sun continues to dapple.


The rain is not quite horizontal
As Joe and Judy
Run from the bus stop
To the stony beach.
Not quite horizontal
But driven off the sea it tastes salty.
He, ordinary, average, in a dampening grey mackintosh.
She, hair bleached in a sister’s frock and jacket
Holding hands,
And hold each a sandwich
Cellophane wrapped.
Squatting against the seawall
They eat.
Wet eyes flash bright signals.
Joe has a small thermos
Its vegetable soup,
And somehow a hardboiled egg appears,
To share.
The rain continues its attack.

First I'd like to say, that I apologize,
For being so stupid, and not making you mine.
Cause now all I have, is you on my mind
How beautiful and breath taking you are all the time.
And I could never forget, that thing we did,
Back in last summer, when we shared our first kiss.
How I've wished, we could do it again,
But because I messed up, now you have a man.
But instead of being mad at myself, let me just say,
That he should treat you good, each and every day.
That he should love honor, and cherish you each day.
And that he should give you all his time, and say I love you every day.
And if he does not, then that is just a shame,
Because you are a Queen, and I'll be the one to blame.

Apprehensive at seventeen,
And waiting on anything,
A simple excuse,
For what I've been thinking.

Your porcelain skin.
My head in my hands.
A loss for words.
Your auburn hair.

A grasp on my head.
I'm dreaming again.
it's 10 feet away.
And three hours later.

I cant exactly say it was love at first sight,
We haven't had four conversations,
And you've got a boyfriend,
But something still locks you inside my mind.

I think you just like to watch my concentration shatter
When you even fake a look in my general direction

Maybe that makes all of these words wrong.

But doesn't every pretty girl deserve at least one song?

On the first day,
Of second semester,
If were trading glances,
Is that my answer?
And on the first day,
I told you I write songs
I wonder how you'd feel if you knew,
That I wrote you one.

and now i dont sleep
now i see things
not clearly,
as everything near me
tinted by the color of your loss,
we pray and dream but we're lost
and even further now that you're gone

how am i supposed to see,
when sorrow hangs a shadow over me?
i know a name,
i dont forget,
i know regret,
i know the pain

and now he sleeps
with angels,
jocelyn
would you open up your loving arms?
keep us from all harm,
protection from the storm
and even further now that you're gone

dont be sad anymore
please
dont be sad anymore

O vraie et lamentable image de la vie !
La joie entre par où la douleur est sortie !
Le bonheur prend le lit d'où fuit le désespoir !
À ce qui naît le jour Dieu fait place le soir ;
La coupe de la vie a toujours même dose,
Mais une main la prend quand l'autre la dépose,
Hélas ! et si notre œil pouvait parfois sonder
Ces coupes de bonheur qui semblent déborder,
Ne trouverions-nous pas que chaque joie humaine
Des cendres et des pleurs d'un autre est toujours pleine ?

Du village de sa naissance, le 20 juillet 1800.

Je ne sens plus le poids du temps ; le vol de l'heure
D'une aile égale et douce en s'écoulant m'effleure ;
Je voudrais chaque soir que le jour avancé
Fût encore au matin à peine commencé ;
Ou plutôt que le jour naisse ou meurt dans l'ombre,
Que le ciel du vallon soit rayonnant ou sombre,
Que l'alouette chante ou non à mon réveil.
Mon cœur ne dépend plus d'un rayon de soleil,
De la saison qui fuit, du nuage qui passe ;
Son bonheur est en lui ; toute heure, toute place.
Toute saison, tout ciel, sont bons quand on est deux ;
Qu'importe aux cœurs unis ce qui change autour d'eux ?
L'un à l'autre ils se font leur temps, leur ciel, leur monde ;
L'heure qui fuit revient plus pleine et plus féconde,
Leur cœur intarissable, et l'un à l'autre ouvert,
Leur est un firmament qui n'est jamais couvert.
Ils y plongent sans ombre, ils y lisent sans voile.
Un horizon nouveau sans cesse s'y dévoile ;
Du mot de chaque ami le retentissement
Éveille au sein de l'autre un même sentiment ;
La parole dont l'un révèle sa pensée
Sur les lèvres de l'autre est déjà commencée ;
Le geste aide le mot, l'œil explique le cœur,
L'âme coule toujours et n'a plus de langueur ;
D'un univers nouveau l'impression commune
Vibre à la fois, s'y fond, et ne fait bientôt qu'une ;
Dans cet autre soi-même, où tout va retentir,
On se regarde vivre, on s'écoute sentir ;
En laissant échapper sa pensée ingénue,
On s'explique, on se crée une langue inconnue ;
En entendant le mot que l'on cherchait en soi,
On se comprend soi-même, on rêve, on dit : c'est moi !
Dans sa vivante image on trouve son emblème,
On admire le monde à travers ce qu'on aime ;
Et la vie appuyée, appuyant tour à tour,
Est un fardeau sacré qu'on porte avec amour !

De la Grotte, 20 septembre 1793.

You a friend
I baffle
For tho here to destroy aye
An enemy around me
You taken what thy allow; unreachable
Yourself thy "friend" a Hippocratic

Mon cœur me l'avait dit : toute âme est sœur d'une âme ;
Dieu les créa par couple et les fit homme ou femme ;
Le monde peut en vain un temps les séparer,
Leur destin tôt ou **** est de se rencontrer ;
Et quand ces sœurs du ciel ici-bas se rencontrent,
D'invincibles instincts l'une à l'autre les montrent ;
Chaque âme de sa force attire sa moitié,
Cette rencontre, c'est l'amour ou l'amitié,
Seule et même union qu'un mot différent nomme,
Selon l'être et le sexe en qui Dieu la consomme,
Mais qui n'est que l'éclair qui révèle à chacun
L'être qui le complète, et de deux n'en fait qu'un.

Quand il a lui, le feu du ciel est moins rapide,
L'œil ne cherche plus rien, l'âme n'a plus de vide,
Par l'infaillible instinct le cœur soudain frappé,
Ne craint pas de retour, ni de s'être trompé,
On est plein d'un attrait qu'on n'a pas senti naître,
Avant de se parler on croit se reconnaître,
Pour tous les jours passés on n'a plus un regard,
On regrette, on gémit de s'être vu trop ****,
On est d'accord sur tout avant de se répondre,
L'âme de plus en plus aspire à se confondre ;
C'est le rayon du Ciel, par l'eau répercuté,
Qui remonte au rayon pour doubler sa clarté ;
C'est le son qui revient de l'écho qui répète,
Seconde et même voix, à la voix qui le jette ;
C'est l'ombre qu'avec nous le soleil voit marcher,
Sœur du corps, qu'à nos pas on ne peut arracher.

De la Grotte, 16 septembre 1793.

From fairytale princess gowns to feathery mini-dresses, bold skinny trouser looks and showgirl sequins, Bridal Fashion Week had something for brides of every size, shape and style inclination.

White reigned, as did classic silhouettes to please the most traditional bride. For everybody else, there were splashes of color, plenty of fluttery floral applique and sparkle, sparkle, sparkle.

Highlights from the Spring 2017 collections:

CHRISTIAN SIRIANO FOR KLEINFELD

After a smaller, capsule collection for the famed bridal shop, Siriano teamed with Kleinfeld again on a broader range.

His show stopper was a pricey pink ombre ball gown with a sweetheart neckline and skinny straps. As an evening wear designer, Siriano said bridal was a natural fit. He created in a range of sizes up to 24 or 26 — and a range of price points from about $3,500 to about $19,000.

Noting most dresses can be modified, he showed a lot of sleeves. There were long lacy ones on a column gown and a structured, off-the-shoulder pair in satin, embellished with tulle and strings of pearl.

One of his mermaid gowns included cascading ruffles. He used four tiers of ruffle at the bottom of a white, tailored suit jacket with matching boot-cut trousers.

Siriano also offered a range of hem lengths, from well above the knee in an appliqued mini to a fitted tea length with an ornate high neck and dramatic train.

In a backstage interview, Siriano said he's enjoying his first full push into bridal with the 27 pieces for Kleinfeld after focusing most of the time on evening.

"But the customer is so different," he said. "There's not as many rules. You can get away with trying new things, doing new things. It's a little fantasy dream world."

And what will Siriano wear when he weds his longtime boyfriend, Brad Walsh, at their Connecticut house this summer?

"I don't know. Literally we've got nothing," Siriano laughed.

INES DI SANTO

This was a **** runway dominated by sheers holding lots of floral creations in place. Romance meets sensuality is how the Toronto-based designer likes it.

While many of her looks were fit for royalty, complete with extra-long trains, she also ventured into over-the-top. An ultra-short hem with just one long lace sleeve had tulle skirting that skimmed the floor in back and leggings mismatched with floral embellishment, offering the appearance of one bare and one covered.

Spring itself was her inspiration this time around.

"The flowers, the garden, the beautiful trees, the sky, the sun," Di Santo said in an interview.

There were other vibes, in a sleeveless illusion Palazzo romper, for instance, with an encrusted bodice and dramatic detachable bell sleeves.

"I went very soft, romantic. You can see through the layers of the lace, the legs, the tulle," she said.

Like other designers, Di Santo included fit-and-flare looks along with sheaths, A-line silhouettes, halter necks and princess ball gowns.

Her backs and necklines were often illusion style, offering a barely there appearance. She included open bolero jackets for brides looking for a little cover, along with detachable skirt options for those who want to change up the outfit for the reception.

At the core of any bridal collection, Di Santo said, is how the dress speaks to budding love in marriage.

"It's so important," she said. "You can live without many things but you cannot live without love."



OSCAR DE LA RENTA

Designer Peter Copping is making his mark gradually at the storied Oscar de la Renta label, with a mind toward both preserving his predecessor's legacy and modernizing the label in his own way. In his bridal collection, Copping included some looser shapes — not everything was cinched tightly at the waist, princess-style — and even some short bridal gowns.

"I was thinking of the different women who are brides and the different ways women can get married," Copping said in a post-show interview, "because it's not always the same rules or traditions that people are looking for. So I think it's important within the collection to have a good cross-section of dresses, some short, some big columns, a real mix of fabrics."

Indeed, some of the gowns featured the sumptuous, extravagant embroidery for which the house is justly famous, and others featured much subtler embroidery for a more modern look.

"I think it was really just having a complete range of dresses," Copping said. The most striking were two short numbers, a nod to the popularity (and danceability) of shorter lengths, even if you can afford the big princess gown. "Yes I think it's popular," Copping said of the shorter length, "and I also think it's very relevant for rehearsal dinners, where a woman can still feel bridal the night before."

A highlight of the de la Renta bridal show is always the impeccably attired little children modeling flower-girl designs. "Having children here reflects what a real wedding is," said Copping.

And then there was Barbie.

Guests were sent home with the de la Renta Barbie doll, wearing a strapless white lacy column gown with a light blue tulle overskirt — something blue, of course. And in case you were wondering, under the skirt were some teetering white heels. No flats for this miniature bride.



REEM ACRA

For a bride looking to be just a bit daring, visible boning in corseting lent a uniqueness to some of Acra's fitted bodices.

There was an abundance of drama in ultra-long trains and encrusted sheer overlays. And Acra, too, offered a variety of sleeve options, including a web design on a snug pair that ended just above the elbow. The design, almost twig-like, was carried through to the rest of the full-skirted look.

Many of her dress tops were molded at the chest, bustier style, while she played with the lower halves. And some of her silhouettes fit tightly across the rear, sprouting trains where some brides may not feel entirely comfortable sporting one.

Acra put a twist on other trains, creating them to detach and also be used as veils. And she went for laced-up backs, both high and plunging, on some dresses.

In an interview, she called the collection "very airy, very light." Indeed, the stage lights during her show shone right through some of her dresses.

For the edgier bride, one who might appreciate the James Bond music Acra used for her show, she offered an unusual embroidered illusion gown adorned with pearls, white jewel stones and metal grommets.

Today's brides, she said, "have to have fun," adding: "She can't stress out about her wedding. Enjoy the ride and be the bride!"



MONIQUE LHUILLIER

There were lingerie-inspired elements here, too, with a touch of color in rose, pistachio, antique ivory and caramel. There were pops of fuchsia in bloom applique fitting for the outdoor garden where she staged her show.

Lhuillier decorated some organza gowns with hand-painted floral designs in asymmetrical layered tulle and silk organza. Deep necklines were prominent, with simple slip dresses offered along with bohemian gowns of lace and sheer skirts. Lhuillier also used corset bodices paired with cascading tulle skirts.

The collection felt like a chic romp, complete with high slits for a run through nature.

"My woman this season is in love and care free," Lhuillier said in an interview. "A little bohemian but just carefree."

The only clear trend in bridal these days, she said, is the need for designers to present more options.

"My core bride is somebody who loves femininity, she loves tradition but with a modern twist. And she wants something interesting with a lot of details," Lhuillier said.

There's definitely more fashion involved than when she began in bridal 20 years ago.

"One of the main reasons I got into the bridal business was when I was a bride in 1994, looking for a gown, I thought the options were so limited, and there was not a lot of fashion ideas," Lhuillier said.

Her bride doesn't want to be weighed down, however.

"She wants to look effortless," Lhuillier said. "But she wants to feel **** on her wedding day."

Are we all romantics on our wedding day?

"For me it's a really happy business," Lhuillier said. "We all are romantics deep down inside."



Associated Press writer Jocelyn Noveck contributed to this report.Read more at:www.marieaustralia.com/formal-dresses-melbourne | www.marieaustralia.com/formal-dresses-perth

It was damp and cold at the office
Where he’d been caught up, working late,
He’d almost finished a gothic
For the collection, ‘Zorga’s Gate’,
The lights had fused and the heat was off
When a chill swept through the air,
Just as he typed that final word
On the screen, that word - ‘Despair!’

He’d written ‘The Pillars of Zorga’s Gate
Rise out of the mist out there,
So only fools and unearthly ghouls
Will gather and stand and stare,
The gates are sticky with blood and gore
From the many who came and tried,
To answer the sign, ‘You’re welcome here!’
‘Til they found that the gates had lied.’

He shivered once at the heartlessness
He’d woven into the plot,
When the evil Baron of Darkness
Turned the key in the dungeon lock,
Then blood flowed down the computer screen
With a font that reeked of  hate:
‘You dare to reveal the mysteries
At the back of Zorga’s Gate?’

Jack sat up straight in his chair in shock,
Peered warily round the room,
He sensed a muttering babble there
From somewhere deep in the gloom,
Then slowly the keyboard typed his name
In white, and the screen was black,
‘Wherever you’re coming from, my friend,
You’ll never be going back!’

The hairs on the back of his neck stood up
And a chill ran down his spine,
‘Somebody’s playing a stupid trick,’
He said, ‘I’ll get the swine!’
He went to type a reply, but by
The time that he hit the key,
The screen switched off, the computer locked
And a voice said, ‘Come with me!’

He fumbled around in the darkness
Staggered once, and he almost fell,
Touched a wall that was damp and cold
And he thought, ‘I can’t be well!’
He found himself on the battlements
Of a castle, cold and grim,
Where the wind howled yet at the parapet
And the thunderclouds rolled in.

A figure was standing behind him
Wearing a hood and a flowing cape,
He turned and backed to the battlements
With his mouth and his jaws agape,
‘I have your Jocelyn bound in chain
Awaiting her sad demise,
I told her I’d only cut her throat
In front of your mortal eyes!’

He prodded Jack in the small of his back
And along a winding stair,
The stone was old, and covered in mould,
And led to a dungeon there,
She lay, fast chained to the dungeon wall
In a bright red party gown,
Jack cried, ‘My God! What’s happening?’
And she said, ‘You let me down!’

‘You let the Baron of Darkness out
When you typed the word ‘Despair!’
And now he’s going to **** us both
For the tale that you tried to share.
He’s kept the secret of Zorga’s Gate
Since Zog and the demons came,
And now that you’ve let the secret out
He says you’re the one to blame!’

The shadow stood in the doorway
With a scimitar raised on high,
While Jack cried, ‘Wait! It’s not too late,
I’ll press the ‘delete’, I’ll try!’
And there was the cursor, blinking fast
At the end of the word ‘Despair!’
It took a second to backspace that
And it suddenly wasn’t there.

Jocelyn walked through the office door
In a bright red party gown,
She said, ‘Don’t tell, you fell asleep!’
He looked at her with a frown.
He’s never written a gothic since
And never will work back late,
But sits with a tome in his padlocked home
Since messing with Zorga’s Gate!

David Lewis Paget

Un giorno zeppo -a - blocco pieno di matrimoni di Erich McVey è una buona giornata nei nostri libri .Il suo lavoro è arte .pura e semplice .Da Londra a New York e ora Southern California .stiamo approfondendo una vicenda che mescola la ariosa .bontà scoperta di mangiare all'aperto con fiori organici di Stacey Fitts e la vera bellezza della vecchia architettura spagnola di La Villa San Juan Capistrano .Tuffati nelle immagini di Erich .poi dare un'occhiata al film realizzato dalla moglie di talento .Amy McVey sotto .

Si prega di aggiornare il tuo browserShare questa splendida galleria ColorsSeasonsFallSettingsHistoric VenueStylesAl Fresco

Da Sposa.Steven e mi è piaciuto molto l'idea di avere una sensazione organica naturale nel cuore antico di architettura California spagnola .La villa in San Juan Capistrano ( una città che ha una missione spagnola dal 1776 ) si adattano perfettamente l'immagine .Dal momento che il locale aveva tante bellezze naturali .( alberi .pietre.legno) ci wasnè ètanto che abiti da sera lunghi abbiamo bisogno di fare per far risplendere locale.La nostra visione finito per essere una sensazione di fresco.pulito e organico con tavoli in legno naturale e lenzuola di tela .

Ci sono una quantità illimitata di fai da te che una coppia può fare per il loro matrimonio .Noi didnè èvogliamo spendere troppo tempo su numerosi progettiècosì abbiamo fatto un paio di piccoli oggetti che hanno avuto pochissimo tempo



.
Le prime voci erano mano stenciled / cuscini dipinti .Abbiamo comprato alcuni grandi cuscini e le coperte in un materiale di tela di lino .Abbiamo poi stampato su varie frasi ( Mr. \u0026 Mrs. .10.12.13 .Amor che significa amore in spagnolo) in uno dei nostri font preferitièBombshell Pro .Questo è stato poi rintracciato sulla carta di cera che viene tagliato con un coltello X - acto .stirato sul cuscino e poi dipinto .Per un tocco in più .il signor cuscino aveva un farfallino messo su di esso e la signora aveva un fiore .

Il secondo reca alcuni dei nostri articoli di carta .Il mio computer marito esperto è in abiti da sera lunghi grado di creare carte di nome .i numeri di tavola .menu e tag coperta che hanno abbinato la nostra suite invito.Tutti gli articoli di carta stampata ha contribuito a mantenere bassi i costi dal momento che didnè èavere il nostro calligrafo loro fare ( 130 + articoli possono essere costosi ) .

Uno dei nostri elementi preferiti del matrimonio erano i fiori.Dato che c'era un sacco di bellezza naturale presso la sede.ci stavaè èbisogno di fare troppo per fiori .Abbiamo finito con verde fresco con i classici fiori bianchi e avorio .Rami di ulivo sono stati collocati sui tavoli come questi legami in stile California spagnola .

Un altro elemento preferito era tutti i pezzi di calligrafia che sono state diffuse in tutto il locale .Avevamo una bellissima Piantina .segni bar .guestbook .Thank You banner.legno segni signore e la signora presidente.e un segno di benvenuto .Ogni pezzo è stato completamente personalizzato per i nostri gustièanche fino alle allori dei font e foglie di olivo .Questi elementi sono quelli che terremo per sempre .Infatti.il nostro bar segno (che ha ciascuno dei nostri consigli cocktail firma ) viene visualizzato nella nostra cucina !Consigli

per le altre coppie : due cose .Primo : Alla fine della giornata .il giorno delle nozze è su di voi e la vostra sarà presto coniugeèuna celebrazione del vostro viaggio insieme attraverso la vita .Dopo la giornata è finita .tutti sono felici e le piccole cose donè èmateria .

Secondo: E ' estremamente importante scegliere un fotografo che siete entrambi a proprio agio.Durante il vostro matrimonio .questo è quello che siete ( probabilmente) trascorrere più tempo con .Poiché questo è un giorno molto nervoso per molti .sanno esattamente cosa fare per contribuire a calmare i nervi .Per noi .Erich McVey e Amy McVey erano marito e moglie team perfetto per noi .Ci siamo conosciuti su Skype ( come sono basate in Oregon) e sapevamo in pochi minuti che erano la nostra squadra .Dopo averli incontrati giù a Santa Barbara per la nostra sessione di fidanzamento solo solidificato che eravamo in ottime mani .

momento più memorabile : Eravamo seduti al nostro tavolo innamorato abiti da sposa stile impero e aveva la vista perfetta di tutti i nostri ospiti di mangiare.ridere e semplicemente divertirsi .Per vedere tutto quello che abbiamo immaginato veniamo insieme così perfettamente e guardare tutto l'amore e il flusso di felicità tutto intorno a noi è stata un'esperienza magica

Fotografia : Erich McVey | Fotografia: . Amy McVey | Planner: Michelle dalla villa di San Juan Capistrano |fiorista : Stacey Fitts | Abito da sposa: Victoria Nicole | Dolci : Jocelyn Jung con I Am The Caker | cancelleria : Alimentazione | Scarpe : Christian Louboutin | Gioielli : Pigment A San Diego | Rosticcerie : Iva Lees Catering | Hair \u0026 Makeup : 10.11 .Trucco | Calligraphy : Mon Voir ( Jenna Rainey ) | Scarpe sposo : Ted Baker | Sposi Abbigliamento: Hugo Boss | Nastro Su Profumo : Frou Frou Chic | Wedding Venue : Villa San Juan CapistranoErich McVey fotografia è un membro del nostro Little Black Book .Scopri come i membri sono scelti visitando la nostra pagina delle FAQ .Erich McVey Fotografia VIEW
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Vous me l'avez donné ce complément de vie,
Mon Dieu ! ma soif d'aimer est enfin assouvie.
Du jour où cet enfant sous ma grotte est venu,
Tout ce que je rêvais jadis, je l'ai connu.
Pour la première fois, moi, dont l'âme isolée
A d'autres jusqu'ici ne s'était pas mêlée,
Moi qui trouvais toujours dans ce qui m'approchait
Quelque chose de moins que mon cœur ne cherchait ;
Au visage, au regard, au son de voix, au geste,
A l'émanation de ce rayon céleste,
Aux premières douceurs du premier entretien,
Au cœur de cet enfant j'ai reconnu le mien.
Mon âme, que rongeait sa vague solitude,
A répandu sur lui toute sa plénitude,
Et mon cœur abusé, ne comptant plus les jours,
Croit en l'aimant d'hier l'avoir aimé toujours.

De la Grotte, 17 septembre 1793.

Growing up as a guy I have something to admit
Its that theres so many girls that i'll never forget
So i'll jump right in and go right from the start
and tell you about all these girls that have affected my heart
So lets start with the As there is two that first come to mind
and thats Ambrea and Ashley, their each one of a kind
Now those are my sisters so their first to be said
but lets continue on to who else pops in my head
lets see...there's 2 Ashley As, but only one Ashley G
can't forget Amanda K, or all 7 Amys
There are so many As that we'd have to stay way long
let me wrap it up quick with the cutest one "akon"
You should see all these B's their so pretty it scares me
theres Beth and theres B thou, theres Bee and  B. Barry
In the C's we have Crepeele with her pretty long blonde hur
and then we have Cameo, thats right, Mama Burr
On to the Ds they would never be meana
theres danielle carey, and then there is dreena
though im sure there are Es-Hs to do
i'm skipping to Js starting with J. Gubbes
Janelle, Jolene, or Jocelyn B.
Jordan, and Jen, and Jill L. you see
Jamie, and jasmine, or J. Allen
Jaylene, and Jessica, and then jen again
Oh God now the Ks, not sure where to begin...
I'll start with the departed R.I.P. Kristin
On to the girls that are more than alive,
Lets take, Keilyn, Kayla, and Karmen on a test drive
Three other K's must get named out for sure
And that's Kaley, Kansas, and Kristjana Schure
Two Girls in the Ls that are way way to awesome
And thats Lauren Borsheim, and of course, Laura Klassen
On to the Ms there is no time to spare
Just one, Maryke, and she cuts my hair
...I'm just kidding MOM you know your up there!
We do have an N there's nothing to fear
Her name is Niki, she lives in Red Deer
No Os, or Ps, or Qs to discuss
we'll move on to R's cause this next ones a must
Rachael K the Australian Wonder
Rebecca's art is so good she draws lightning and thunder
Theres a couple of shellys, and Sam 1 and 2
Tara looks like a model, and Tia does too
Don't know any Us, the Vs go in order
Vanessa M, V. Young, and VJ the reporter
If your name wasn't mentioned no need to be sour
this poem was rushed, took me less than an hour

It was bad. crazy. eh. horrifying. media. nothing. odd. saddening. terrifying. unbelievable.

Who the **** are you? No. No. Naw. Nah. No. No thanks. Sorry, no. No time. No. No thank you. No. No time. Not now. No, what? No, what? What happened. Oh my gosh. Oh my god. Oh jeez. Whoa. Why? When? My God. Where? How? Why? I heard, yeah. I heard, why? I heard only two people died. two deaths. two fatalities. two souls. I heard only 14 were injured. only 19 were injured. only 23 were injured. only. only. only. only 71 were injured. Wait, 3 died? Wait, 144 were injured?

It was horrible. I don’t care. inappropriate. scary. terrible. wild. it was like. It was like.
9/11. 9/11. Like 9/11. Reminds me of September 11th. Just like 9/11. All over again. Again. Terrorists. Bin Laden. Osama. Taliban. Al Qaeda.
Hate. ****. ****. Revenge. Angry. Rage. Destroy. Attack. Invade. Retaliate. Hate.
God bless America. **** America.

4 bombs. 2 bombs. 1 bomb, I heard. I heard. I heard.  I heard it was an explosive finish. Haha. Yeah, I heard they had a blast. That the runners were really blown away. I heard. *******. I heard. Go away. I heard. Sorry it’s my last cigarette.

I have friends. I have friends at BC. I have friends at Northeastern. I have friends at Boston College. I have friend at BU. I have friends in Boston. I have friends. Thank God they’re ok.

At least only two people died.

Have I what? No. Go away. Don’t touch my dog. What’s wrong with you. Not today thanks. I don’t want to donate. Leave me alone, please. Go get a job. I don’t care. No, bye. No time. Maybe later. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Sorry, no change.

Who did I think of? I don’t know. Maybe. My mom. My dad. My brother. My wife. My sister. My husband. My family. My son. My daughters. My friends. My best friend. My girlfriend. Kat. Sarah. Jamie. Joe. Jocelyn. Reggie. Owen. Brian. Jack. Rosa. Abe. Chen. Colin. Gail. Gabe. God. Joe. Andrew. Jesus. Anna. Allah. Vicki. Vishnu. My mother. father. sister. brother. Everyone, I guess. I pray for them too.

I’m sad. grateful. angry. thankful. depressed. hopeful. shocked. confused. Only 71 people were injured. 144 people were injured. At least only 2 people died. 3 people died. I can’t believe two people died. Poor, sad, hapless, helpless, hopeless. Why? I should watch the news more.

Barely Together

                               - Jocelyn Kay

How is it I hold myself together
When you’re around me
And I can breathe
The air around your skin

How is it I don’t cry always
Don’t collapse, don’t capsize
Every atom of me aching as I watch you be someone else’s

Selfish I am, the pain is of my own making
I’m happy you’re happy, but I’m shivering and tired
I’ll hold it together
But only for you

You don’t need to know, you don’t need the drama
I’ll hold it all in
And try to be me
Feeling my insides exploding
Calm, outwardly

Was this meant to happen?
Did I mess up a past life

Is there really just one Destiny?
Where do I find peace
Where do I find solace
Where do I find the happiness that I seek
Where am I headed
Where will I land

Will it just be another barren island

All we can do is hope,

Cling to that everthinning rope

To change is to die, and I’m broken inside

Will you leave me?
Will time split our paths in two?
Will I get to see you?
Can I still love you

Is it answers I seek? Or shallow distraction

I don’t believe in You.

But help me Lord

As she lies on the bathroom floor with a pill bottle in her hand. She doesn’t realize so many people adore her, love her, and look up to her.

She felt so alone and so unwanted. She was fighting this battle no one knew about.

She never understood why it happened to her out of all people.

She was tired, so she took her mothers pills and locked herself in the bathroom. She ran a hot bath and washed her face and hair. When she got out she decided to do her makeup and put on her mother’s favorite dress. She made sure she unlocked the door for when her parents came home. She took a piece of paper and a pen,

“Dear momma and poppa,

I love you both so very much. But this world is just not my place. My wings are already here waiting to come out. I’m sorry I hurt you oh so very much. But I’ll be looking down on you. I’ll always be here. Just hug your pillow tighter and you’ll make it through the night. Watch for a white dove. Because every time you see a white dove that’ll be me checking up on you. This was not your fault. I love you oh so very much.

Sincerely,

Your beloved child.”

Little did her parents know that their only child was gone. She was gone… She took the pain away.

“Jocelyn, honey where are you?”

“Jocelyn”



“911, whats your emergency?”

-Gillian Askeland

My dearest Jocelyn,

The very thoughts of you make me Homesick.
It's just as beautiful as miserable it sounds.

Survivor

                                                               ­                      - Jocelyn Kay
I did it all so he couldn’t hurt me again
I ended up hurting myself
He’s gone, a whisper in the wind

But he haunts the deep dark memories within
His hands, unwelcome
His breathe stale and lips dry

To forget is impossible
The drugs erase everything else
Tis a terrifying pain, the pain of times gone by
You feel it through the numbness
It creeps up on you, sly

Family and friends
Mean very little now
They didn’t know how to help,
And a part of me believes they didn’t even care to try

How do I wash this filth off my skin
Scrubbing till streams of blood run down my limbs
Have you ever had a scar
The size of your whole being

Throbbing

Singing tales of times best forgotten

The scars outside lasers can wipe
The wounds inside I can only hide

And so I live,
Day to day
Hour to hour
Getting through it, slowly
Shakily
At first

But then with grace.

Un baiser sur mon front ! un baiser, même en rêve !
Mais de mon front pensif le frais baiser s'enfuit ;
Mais de mes jours taris l'été n'a plus de sève ;
Mais l'Aurore jamais n'embrassera la Nuit.

Elle rêvait sans doute aussi que son haleine
Me rendait les climats de mes jeunes saisons,
Que la neige fondait sur une tête humaine,
Et que la fleur de l'âme avait deux floraisons.

Elle rêvait sans doute aussi que sur ma joue
Mes cheveux par le vent écartés de mes yeux,
Pareils aux jais flottants que sa tête secoue,
Noyaient ses doigts distraits dans leurs flocons soyeux.

Elle rêvait sans doute aussi que l'innocence
Gardait contre un désir ses roses et ses lis ;
Que j'étais Jocelyn et qu'elle était Laurence,  
Que la vallée en fleurs nous cachait dans ses plis.

Elle rêvait sans doute aussi que mon délire
En vers mélodieux pleurait comme autrefois ;
Que mon cœur sous sa main devenait une lyre
Qui dans un seul soupir accentuait deux voix.

Fatale vision ! Tout mon être frissonne ;
On dirait que mon sang veut remonter son cours.
Enfant, ne dites plus vos rêves à personne,
Et ne rêvez jamais, ou bien rêvez toujours !

Did Buddha get it right

Are there lives past and unkempt
Is Karma directing our actions
To what do we owe these painful, painful sanctions
Follow me through the journey
Of a time gone by

The child, born in rye
Dazzling his divinity, Unsung his rhyme
Tis a time t’will change the world
Sin his undoing
Burdensome his load
The constantly burning sting
Of humanity
And its struggle towards redemption
Is it because You gave up
That we no longer see You
Is it because we cannot be saved

It burns. It has burnt all my life
Has consequence not extracted its toll
Pound for pound
Extracted its toll
I shall see the light
I shall push forward
I’m no coward
The road to heaven is paved in thorns
But oh Fate
Behold my rebellion
As I hurtle to salvation

- Jocelyn Kay

They say I’m crazy cause I love and care to much
they say I’m wasting time and I need to learn how to trust
They say I’m way to quiet but to quick to  fuss
I think people in her head saying give up us
They saying she’s grown now happy and moved on
I can understand but my heart forever Torn
Now they see me heartless
Head down ready to spark it
Then I get high
It’s all I need to get by
I settle down think of every truth and lie
I tell you Go away ,leave
But your what I need
Sorry for the lies
cause that’s not what I believe
They say  I’m dead wrong for wanting a family
I want sucesss and love
That’s what’s new to me
I smoke away all my problems
Nobody seems to care
not even my momma
Don’t wanna cry no more
The wrongs I committed got me feeling sore
So I sit back turn on Jocelyn floors
Think and realize the love of my life didn’t have to worry anymore

When her kid was eight months old
She put her in a baby swing and hid her in a closet
Down the hall at her parents place.
Then she went to the barn out back,
Which had a chain locked door that slid ten feet across,
And in there he was in the throes of a manic fit,
Walking in and out through the cold October night,
Eyes all pupil and mind untraceable.
He kept saying “I’ll **** you! I’ll ******* **** all of you!”
And eventually she realized she couldn’t calm him down
So she hid in a locked room inside the house
And waited for the cops to come.
When I asked her why she didn’t charge him
For attempted ****** and only gave him three months for domestic dispute
She said, so drunk it came out in a rage,
“Because I’m stupid and I’m loyal!
It’s one of those things where, after, you don’t know why you did it,
But had to at the time.
Soon I’ll be somewhere where the weathers always nice.
I can’t tell you where.
Witness protection and all that.
But now I’ve got a life ahead of me looking over my shoulder.”
“Well as long as he doesn’t know where you went he won’t be able to find you.”
She didn’t seem to hear me and continued on.
“I wrote him a letter.
I want him to sit with it.
Our daughters autistic cause of what he did
When I was eight months pregnant.
I have the diagnostics from three doctors.
I didn’t want to believe it.
His dad won’t tell him,
But I want him to see it.
I want him to see with it.
He deserves to sit with it.
That’s why I’m so ****** up right now.
I’m leaving Tuesday.
Jocelyn won’t be Jocelyn anymore.
We have to change our names.
Nothing will be the same anymore.”

I

Clutch at that fraying thread

There’s another

Man

To keep rigid is all I can

I approve

And I trickle into Judgement

I will never express it. Never show an inkling.

I would never approve of such behaviour

Are you mine?

Can anyone be another’s

I shall never know

Ah my small, personal insignificant woe

I am small in the scheme of things

I know I can’t fly, there are no wings

But to take that chance

Is so tempting

That feeling of the improbable

The longing of the unimaginable

Lady love

Know that I will never tell you

Or be fu*kin creepy about it

I will be the last bastion

The last port of emergency

To make you happy is all I need

My soul is yours, as is my fealty

I shall hide my feelings

In eternal sleep

-

Jocelyn Kay