DEPRESSION IS REAL.
depression is not being sad. depression is gray-tinted glasses that affect how you see the world, depression turns your emotions from stone to glass, you never knew the meaning of "emotionally unstable" until someone drops you half of a foot and you shatter. until someone cancels on you and somehow you find yourself sobbing in your room because the demons in your head tell you that nobody ******* cares about you, nobody ******* cares about you, nobody ******* cares about you.
depression is real. i can feel it in my chest and on my eyelids and in my head and i can even feel it's iron death grip on my throat.
some days i swore to God there was a four-ton elephant sitting pretty on my chest, but i was the only one who could see it. some days there were five-pound weights hanging from my eyelids and the only way to keep myself awake was to pump myself so full of caffeine that my hands shook while my eyes were still tired, making me exhausted and anxious and hyperactive all at once. some days it took hold of my head, squeezing my eyes so that my reflection was warped and twisted and grotesque, whispering into my ears that i needed to eat less. you need to eat less. some days it attacked my heart. i can not describe the sensation better than to say that some days it felt like my aortas were being beaten by dull wooden stakes or like my blood had been replaced with icewater.
you're sitting in class enjoying a captivating psychology lecture when that thought pops in your head: "why are you even alive?" and your blood freezes, your ribs tighten, and something grabs hold of your windpipe so that all you can do to not say "i want to die" when the teacher calls on you is shake your head and say "i don't know."
you're sitting in math class and you're supposed to be learning about integrals but all you can think about is everyone's reactions if you didn't wake up the next day; you're sick but all you notice is that no one noticed you were gone. maybe no one would notice if you were gone.

one year, food was all that could make me feel happy; i found hope in the dopamine rush from the sugary calories; i rejoiced at the satisfactory feeling i got from devouring half of a pan of brownies.
the next year, yes, i know i have always loved dark chocolate but today i just can't seem to taste it. or anything for that matter.
the only thing i could get myself to ingest were liquids that would take my memories away for a while. i had no problem pouring cheap caramel apple ***** down my throat but could not get myself to pick up a golden delicious and bite into it because i knew i wouldn't have be able to finish it anyway.

depression is real. depression is a ****** up monster that leaves no part of you untouched and can steal the very essence of who you are if you let it. depression can ******* rip you apart. someone will tell you that they love you and all you will be able to say in return is "no you don't."
depression takes away who you are. because you haven't always cried every day, you haven't always been unable to eat, you used to be able to stomach an "i love you" and you used to smile when you saw your little sister.
this is not you, this is depression, depression is real. you are not pretending, you are not 'not trying', you are not 'broken'; honey all you have are some unbalanced chemicals in your brain. but we're going to try as hard as we can to make them go back to normal. i know you're in there.

depression is real. but so are you.

Prelude
"Let's go" his soft whisper
the mantra, in his voice she hears

the esoteric voyage through
the cryptic high seas of self,
fathomless, unmapped,
uncharted and reachable
only by the most fearless
ready to unbind and make
the self free for it's adventure,
begins thus for the peaceful pair
complementing the absolute
for a life time, til they reach there
and find themselves one with
                      pure consciousness.

"Let's let's, but only together"
she chants in unison,with him.

1.
Bidding good bye to ego, clad in red and black
a beast, not easy to bring to it's  knees, submit,
the high horse proud,raring to go,having  sharp horns
sticking out, fierce, that goes berserk,on seeing white.
Altogether a curious construct, that dictates terms-
they set about, invoking the blessing of the flame of light.
2
They stood together,  eyes widely shut, bringing
both palms together,in front of their  chests
creating a lotus bud, symbolizing hearts,bowing
each other in "Namaste",-bows the divinity in thyself-
chanting the mantras of peace, thrice, each time, repeatedly.
3
"Lets go back to the begining of every begining.."
the primordial hum, transcending quagmires of time
in the path of our ancestors,who did see the" unseeable",
without eyes, knew the "unknowable",diving in to the
ocean depth of self,going inwards chanting"Neti, Neti"
Not this, Not this, inquiring each till the essence did reveal.
4
They did this, focusing the eye of the mind, on the eye
beyond all, that watches every small thing in universe.
Mind, sharpened like the blade of a sword,efficient to cut
the Gordian knots,of paradox, duality and illusion,
encountering the silence that thickens at last, speaks
the words of wisdom,patient they are, to know the ultimate,
right there at the source of light that is the true essence of all,
5
Celebrate the pure consciousness, that pervades in every thing,
the thought that begets all thoughts,that  moves on to be karma,
that becomes purer, through the cycles of lives, one after another.
"Let's be humble, utmost, sans the ornamental clothes of pride.
May the thought reigning cosmos, the spirit of peace,chanted aloud,
take us to it's sanctum sanctorum and melt us in to it's divine embrace.
Only one there is, all are it's integrals,the divine cosmic hum 'Aum'
that enliven the universe within each cell, remember , is eternal"
                                                #@@#

So many minds
have filled this space
thinking of math and physics
Vectors and integrals,
derivatives and valence
mean little to us-
except the rolling assonance
of the repeated vees

a dead trumpet, resting on the desiccated lips of a fallen angel, a desolate scorch of hemispheres
blasted and puerile...
primal dross from the furnace of all agonies and heaps of time, hoarding hours in pain to multiply the bias to ill fates as a happiness, her madness has never known
[ on the inside ]

a dread comet, branding the optic nerve of a blank stare
into oblivion
in a closed loop of integrals of self hatred
outlasting the venom of god's scorn, by an order of magnitude
her blight, dwarfing the locust swarm of dead suns
bleeding black ink in journals that document her heart's delirium, in crude states -of silent rage at a billion decibels
[ on the white page ]

a barn door, torn from the hinges of a tempest and marble goats, chiseled from a monolith of dark thoughts
to be sacrificed on the altar of pitch dark
there are sigils that burn in the dense fog, and everywhere a banshee of rogue hope and a siren of fine dreams....
and here there be oceans
[ and no map ]

legions of invisible hornets living in every atom of two red lips

lips that would kiss and be kissed
but seldom disembark from tar pits and windswept tragedies
and fell words that plunder her true thoughts for anything
toxic enough to **** the conversation with a lost god...
bilious fountains of lost joy
sterilize a pregnant pause. and yes
aborts the spirit

[ from no throne ]

A moment takes up no time
A moment takes up no space
Infinite moments disappear instantly
because anything times zero is zero;
Yet
In a moment lives begin
and end
In a moment love blossoms
and dies
and
In a moment
eternities collide

four students
printed out sudoku
ac unit whirrs in the room

the disappointment pressed
slacks
too sunk for
integrals and L'Grange

krooser warms my desk
eyelids drooping
sentences left in the birches

integrals of goldfish and scrollin
significantly easier than expected
bracelets and blocks and rockets
from breakin a hundred

short drive the hill that rarely took
bowl of quinoa and another of pudding
just like the cups on the table of atla
waiting whistling losing air in digital pacing

it was four minutes after
one down and just to two
once again im wonderin but this time i know that its not true

cutting ice with knives and gliding with lemons
bodyprox'd knees and coworkers girlfriends
gargoyling fountains and relacing skates
i wouldnt much mind getting used to this

its dark and its late and you asked me what sort of changes id been thru
the second that ive ever told to

the first stop was closed but the next one was perfect
yoyo slingin in the parking lot
with rippled notes blastin tunes
reference typin effect affect i love you

sorry if i haven't been paying close attention
but the Beatles are playing in your class and it's distracting!

how am i supposed to care about calculus
with McCartney singing right beside us?!

integrals and derivatives?
Lennon doesn't give a ****!

so the next time you see me falling asleep,
just

let it be

                                                                                                         let it be!

let it beeee

                                                                                                   let   it      be

im whispering words of wisdom,

let it beee

bwabwabwaaa


thank you for understanding my beatlemania, professor

sincerely,

-ryan

I want to live in the Calculus world where
the limits, derivatives, and integration
flow through my vessel, all spectacular
illuminations calling me away into towering
territories, immense pages beyond heightened
stages, prolific equations bursting into spinning
extremes, stunning infinity, immeasurable
calculations crowding my brain, taking me
into creative mazes.  Heavenly platforms packed
with differential applications and complex
functions running through my veins, as I
somersault in time across scintillating *****
fields, geometry, logarithms, and trigonometry,
my eyes falling into the depths of pure greatness,
drumbeating magic, drums that resonate
with my soul.  Glorious intellect burning
through the chambers of my core, moving
me like ravishing rivers, like slow love songs.
I’m in love with solving the endless equations
of time, the critical problems mixing
grand mountains with my luminous
kingdom, fine instruments, gigantic
bridge and boulevards surfacing vast
nations.  Sleek electrifying derivatives
a moonlit machine of a billion appetizing
fascinations, dream gardens full of sines
and cosines, tangents and cotangents,
a legacy of integrals painting magnificent
murals across my chests, all perfectly
synchronized, aligned with the stars,
parallel worlds of intricate themes
and bright beams, shimmery stages
gravitating towards a huge selection
of constellations, everything taking
me deeper and further into the dynasty
of Calculus.

I love the structure and composition of a male’s body,
the hypnotic curves and angles, the sheer
symmetry filled with great rhythms and skills,
glowing geometry, their smooth toned shoulders
and beat bulging arms, their statuesque backs flexing
flawlessly, enthralling my heart, every sway
of their hips so amazingly appealing, sugar sweet
lips made for kissing, diamond shining eyes
like the stars hovering in the blackened blue sky.
The feel of their muscular magic hands,
so wonderfully ecstatic, passionate, a gust
of uncontrollable love intensifying, my heartbeat
sparked, sifting in the enchantment of hot
and naughty men.  There is so much paradise
and peace in their astonishingly rich physiques,
so much authenticity, creativity, dexterity,
and flexibility flowing through their veins,
swirling sea of delicious degrees, flavor fragrant
scents of all kinds drawing my rainbow soul
into their luridly lush oceans of sunshine poetry,
melodic muscles, beauteous bridges rising
and brightening like the thriving moonlight
in the nighttime bliss.  My soul lives
in the spectacular kingdom of thrillingly  
magnificent men, in the blossoming trails
of their grand glittering landscape, in the elegant
spaces of their celestial craft, colossal consonants,
masculine metaphors multiplied with stately
similes, totaling breathtaking dreams
and transcendence.  I want to explore
the world of golden glowing men, seep
in their hidden secrets, so deep within the
softest spots of their homeland, feeling
their sensual breath blowing on my sauna
flesh, their fluid fingers tiptoeing
upon my excited and wild chests
and shoulders, a chamber of dazzling
desire, a wealth of pleasurable chemistry
and energy in synchronicity.  I am dangerously
in heat, charmed by their vigorous vessels,
their delectable segments and infinite
derivatives, enhanced integrals, vibrant
velocity and opulence, tremendously fine men
dripping with razzle-dazzle, brick blasting *****,
superbly made, powerfully veined *****,
an endless mountain of possibilities,
a volcanic explosion of ecstasy mesh
with tantalizing vibrations, so hip and ripped,
a steaming engine of amplifying smoke
reaching high depths.  Tonight, I am lost
in the resplendence of men, how they hold
so much supremacy and independence,
inventiveness and munificence, the magic
magnifying in their abs, a creamy craving dream,
a mouthwatering galaxy, full of burning verbs
and poetic lines, dynasty stanzas, planetary
perfection, men of many nationalities, men
of many shapes, sizes, and height, a mind-blowing
museum of worldwide masterworks.

I dance to the rhythm of my soul,
to the enchanting rainbow that
reverberates in my cells, so bright
and delightful, a heavenly body
of love unraveling me all at once.
I embrace the tranquility surrounding me,
the gift of knowledge that awakens
my heart, makes me blossom and sparkle,
spinning endlessly in rhythmic directions.
I’m radiant, full of power, a man
of poetic rhymes, dark-brown eyes,
artistic mind and hands, a blazing bridge
of inspiration, all sweet and tender,
a jeweled canvas of seamless geometry,
a shimmering sine and cosine rising in time,
an infinite tangent and cotangent
of unparalleled dreams, the kind
of supreme scenery that springs forth
boundless thoughts and truths.  I’m falling
in love with the equations circling
my chamber, the mesmerizing decimals
and square roots, the exquisite derivatives
and integrals, let it sink inside my mind,
take me away into a land of eternal escape,
the breeze encompassing me so vibrant
and fulfilling.  I can hear the smooth beat
of love filling the landscape as I spin
around freely, my eyes closed, my head
looking up towards the sky, my hands
stretched out wide, allowing the dreamy
lullabies of life inside my heart.  I’m
captivated by the passion streaming
through me, becoming lost in this
wonderland, this golden glitter covering
my body, giving me high nighttime vibes.

i sit in a vague fugue as the flies buzz through the open window
they know death is near, blood seeping through the thin cotton of a school uniform. integrals curl up into manifolds as my vision blurs
i think of a rope around the neck, a bullet through the head, a clarity
from the yellow-wallpapered fluorescent hum
an eyelid twitches, mirroring the left leg. i push my knuckles against the edge of the desk. sharp metal bites a quick counter-subject to my mental funeral march.
i pick up my pen; the lecture wriggles back into the cerebellum with silver-tipped pincers and many many legs.