'I don't think you're capable of loving anyone',
he said
hands on steering wheel
twinkling eyes on the road

breath in.
breath out.
suddenly i forgot how to breath
pang on my chest
'but i love you' - i wanted to scream so bad.

but how could i say it
when i had never done that
how could i say it
when i had never learned to say it
how could i say it
when i had never loved anyone
before you
show me
teach me how
please
wait
a little bit
longer
as i
learn
how to love
for
there was
no one
else
before you

i desperately wanted to say so.
yet i let a little pained laugh.
'of course I am', I answered.
'tell me at least one person that you love other than your family'.
i could sense it
your hope dangling
you had been patiently waiting for me to say it out loud
yet still
how to say it?
how
say it, please.
now
please

i feel your disappointment
within those silence.
and i'm sorry.
for i could not say it out loud.
but i loved you.
and i still do.

*yet you're gone before i could even learn to say it.
and now
you left me screaming it to the world out loud alone

hat by av  i done im ahorribke oerson i wanna **** myself ishoys ahoyhd i s/>h oud

I wish you the best
Along with your death
Scars fading just like your
kisses, Coated with a love filled hatred

The day we first met
The night burned bright
The moon lighting that first
Laced joint, tainted by tears
Of your shattered heart
Kept alive by a little girl
Asking if you're alright
She was me at age 9
Just wanting to see you
Smile

We grew to realize we weren't so different
Pushed away by those we only wanted
To make proud
We'd stay up late and smile
That we'd finally found someone
Who understood how it felt to
Be alone and starved for a love
That was more than just
Touch

Grade eight the love started
Innocence of
Colliding lips blowing
Smoke of putrid chemicals
Acid burning through their tongues
THC thicker than our blood
Laughing at the people who
Thought they were better than us
They weren't
We were the king and queen of chaos
Collecting the shells of shattered
Beings and  making them alive
Again
An angry army of
Broken hearts and high minds

The first slap came
Five months in love
In the school halls
Everyone stopped and stared
I just laughed and so did they
You didn't
You stared at your hand
As if it had acted on its own
I pretended it didn't happen even though my
Friends warned me that
This was only the beginning
I should have listened
Why didn't I listen?

Was I blinded by love or was it
Fear?
I think it was love
You were everything to me
My heart
My soul
My future

High school came
And brought around change
He got me to do
More than I ever wanted
Dmt
Shrooms
Pills
The rest
My life became a pool of
****** up lies and a disguise
Made of a chipping smile
And dying eyes

His world scared me
Intoxicated me
Brought me to tears
Annihilated me
It was beautiful
I never felt more alive

The slaps continued
Got worse
I stayed because
I knew he loved me
He loved me
Right?

He wouldn't have
Held me all those nights
Kept me alive
Healed my cuts
And sewed me back
Together

Then came the day
His fingers curled around my throat
In front of
All those who had warned me
All except one
She hadnt known
I told him to leave
I let him go
It was too much
Too much
Imsorry

To this day
The pain still shows
The memories remain
I'll never understand
What I did wrong
Did I do wrong?

Was it my fault?
Was I not enough?
Were my hands too much?
Did my touch burn right through your skin
Into the wounds on your guts?

I made the blood
Boil and burn
Till your bones became nothing
But charred ashes
That burned holes through your heart
Scared you weren't good enough
Scared I would leave
That you weren't enough

But god did we try
We tried to stay alive
On a love built from pain
Brought on by those
We
Just
Wanted
To
Love