We learn to say that we don't care,
As we begin to believe it.
We tell ourselves when we are hurt,
Not to share.
IDC...

Soon, we turn this ugly phrase, in upon ourselves,
A bad day, or treated badly?
Just remember those three,
Those deadly letters.
IDC...

What comes next is no surprise,
We use it for the smallest things,
A forgotten birthday,
Hopeful plea.
IDC...

How soon it becomes,
The easiest answer,
To each and every worry,
You need me?
IDC...

And then the fateful day does come,
When we have switched places,
We need assistance of some sort,
It falls upon deaf ears.
IDC...

We need to change,
This process we use,
And change the meaning,
Of three small letters.
IDC...

I don't care...
That's not true...
I give it thought...
Thus, I DO CARE!!!
IDC...

I DC...
I DO CARE!!!

i cannot put into words what you have done for me but i will try
i was lost in the numbness of nothingness
the silence around it all was getting way too loud
and i hadn’t felt the excitement of another for way too long

you’ve been around for a while
in the back of my mind as a matter of fact.

it may have taken a while to get you to notice me
but i was willing to take the time, because you felt different
and as far as ‘felt’
it’s too early to tell but you make me feel
and it’s not just a spurt of feel, its a feel thats real

i almost gave up in all honesty
i didn’t want to put myself out there again
to then just be torn limb from limb, again
but you felt, right

you’re quiet… to others
but to me you’re you
and i can’t get enough of you

your voice is distinct-
your voice is yours, it levels me and i could listen to it all day
your eyes are deep-
your eyes are specific, they look at me not through me
your walk is confident-
your walk is purposeful, you don’t wander
your presence is home, its way too early but at the same time idc
your essence is irrational, idk why you’re here at this time
but i can’t second guess it cause nothing has ever felt so right

i look at you and i am in wonderment
your beauty is indescribable
and your being makes your beauty seem intolerable

you make me want to become a better me
you make me reevaluate my purpose
you make me pay attention

i cannot put into words what you have done for me but i will try
i was lost in the numbness of nothingness
the silence around it all was getting way too loud
and i hadn’t felt the excitement of another for way too long

idk why God has placed you in my life
but i hope that you are here to stay
no one has affected me the way you do
i have been so afraid of it all
to stay put
to move
to be happy
to love
to give myself up
but you make me anxious to do all of those things
you make me want to be happy
you make me want to try
you make me want to take risks
you make me want to move
but most importantly-
you make me want to

before grade six,
when I entered junior high,
witch felt like junior low,
as it was truly the smallest formation of this lowness they try to hid underneath this word "high",
like high school is alright if you get high enough to get though the rough times,
or maybe I still didn't understand the difference between these words,
the words that hurt like he hit with a closed fist but I was lucky to only get open ones,
to feeling like someone spiked my lunch milk because these definitions make no sense, and my brain is trying so hard to grasp so many terms at once it feels as if its tripping on acid,
but no.
its just distracted,
showing me being a foll of myself again and again,
a repeated playlist of all my mistakes,
of me tripping up.
thats about as far and close to acid as ill get.
but what hurts the most is english,
this first language ******* that the tried to wrap around my mind,
but at the same time I finally learned my first english lesson,
I was in grade six,
I learned a french lesson the class before.
and each and every day I had to work to learn the things,
others were allowed to learn before me,
because teachers and school systems stole my education from me,
were I only even remember sitting in english class once because we had a sub, and I learned cursive on the first day in grade three,
but couldn't spell my name yet,
and the mess I was got messyer as I tried to commit the ink to the paper,
where it made me cry because I knew for a fact I was stupid,
and teachers who still wanted to say I was fine and not help me had the decency to say I was smart,
when they were the reasons I could not succeed.
now letters,
and the alphabet,
had no rules,
why to this day I still have not mastered spelling and cursive,
the basic reading skills you'd expect from someone my age.
im 16 and I was 6 when I could divide and multiple,
by hundreds,
thousands by the start of first grade,
the only type of math,
that made no mathematical sense,
where the ******* how'd you get your anwser questions.
being older now,
I fight back writing
look at my ******* work you stupid *****,
so I simply draw an arrow and don't get the credit,
and I leave word problems blank.
and even with doing that,
I had to of gotten everything right,
for them to wanna push me a head a grade level,
because of math,
every single ******* year oh she could go up a grade!
and then my
reading and writing scores said I should repeat a grade,
and they just left me where I was,
see math is the gate way for me,
it was my only thing I felt good about I didnt know what else to call that,
math in my heart of hearts saved my life,
its the only reason I learned any bit of english,
enough to keep up my fight,
its the only reason I belived in myself,
because with math you just have to try,
and you have to try to solve your problems,
instead of writing about them like I'm doing down,
i'm crying while im writing
because they don't see how much they hurt me now.

"It is very important not to mistake hemlock for parsley, but to believe or not believe in God is not important at all."
-Denis Dedirot(idk who,some random old guy)

I don't really care about
Atoms, photons or parallel
Universes where you and I could've
worked out differently and existed

cause all we have is here and now
so I'm going to try my best to make
this life worth it, meaningful and
happy for you to live in.

Ayee mudda fuka
da uda dae i hada severe itchin in my inna elbow
i went to da doctor an he be like
who da ***, **** my office u lil ****
an i be like
***** u best nawt be telling me da flippidy flop on da who dat paddywhack crackerjack i **** u i **** u
theeeeeeen this ******* *** ***** wantsa charge me $40
an I'm all liek
***** i got 7 kidz 2 f e e d
an he liek
idc pay up u lil ***** b 4 i pop dis **** out
¿Tu madre¿
911 illuminati✈

I didn’t sleep tonight
Well.
I did something kinda
I never remember being a typical child. I was always wary. And very aware of everything. And I can’t remember a time where my brain wasn’t bouncing around, inquisitive. No matter who you are, there are small things you do that aren’t actually unique. All humans twitch in a spot on their face when they’re disgusted. We all have a nervous tick. Etcetera. Knowing this as a child made me very self conscious. My ego would say it made me self “aware”. But I watched my movements. And paid attention to my nervous tick. Phrases I would pick up and find amusing, and why. I was so careful not to do anything that would put me in a vulnerable spot. I wanted to be perfectly unnoticeable.
And I decided tonight, I’d go through the years that were especially hard for me and addresss the trauma in a chronological order.
Some of my very first memories ever in my life were of violations. I was touched and caressed, but not by my mother. This terrible man with a bit of a belly. And I would have thought it was normal, except for the sick bottomless pit in my stomach. And my rigid muscles. And it hurt sometimes.
Then I remember being with my mother. And staying at the white house with the flower pots filled with cigarette ash instead of soil. And I kinda liked it. The flower pots I mean. But I absolutely loved being with her. So many memories with her. So many sunny memories.
But I started seeing her less and less. And it was just weird. And uncomfortable. I had somewhat numbed myself, and hence there were many years spent I’m a daze. I was dreaming. But it was a melancholy dream. And I remember the foster kids my parents fostered. And they made me do things with another family member. Multiple times. And it was just so odd to me that this would happen, I didn’t know if this was normal or not. But I thought all this time I was somehow responsible and I’m trouble. Or at least, if I discussed this with any adult, it would be entirely unorthodox. Ludacrious.
And there was so much pain.
Then I had grand mal serizures (or however you spell it idc) for around two years I think. Only about like 8? Seizures. But every time it happened I just felt my memory going away. It was the strangest sensation. I would lose an entire week here or there, and days after they happened I would be a little dysphoric. And maybe there is a god that had mercy on me, and gave me those seizures as a way to literally forget some of what I had been through. Or repress I guess.
Anyway, then I was a very charismatic, secretly introverted girl during junior high. I had my first kiss and it really ******. It was just... tense-*** lips smushing against mine. I also had my lips closed though because I didn’t know you parted them for kisses. Like I had always seen my mom and dad do a quick peck so I didn’t know what to do really. But he said I was a good kisser, but what junior high boy wouldn’t say that about any girl he kissed tbh.
And I became VERY devout in the religion I had been raised in. Full-on future missionary. I read the scriptures frontto back multiple times. Blah blah blah.
Then I met my first love, and there was an electric shock that went through my body. I was mesmerized by this feeling. I shook his hand, told him my name, and he told me his. That went on and off from 9th? Grade? until I graduated and a little after. It was a long relationship, full of a lot of different times. Good times, bad times. But mainly we were toxic to each other. We didn’t know how to love properly. He was fighter, who believed he was the king of kings. And I thought that in every single way, he was. I was truly bewitched. And he’d hold me tight, and wouldn’t let me go, even when I wanted to be let go. He collapsed at my feet and sobbed in my lap. And I did the same with him. We were so wounded, but similar. And found solace and endless banter in a moment together.
At this point my mother died. And I travelled barely out of state to attend her funeral. I saw all of my siblings. And stuff slowly started coming back to me. Weird snippets of early childhood existence. I couldn’t process it all, and so I emotionally shut down for the billionth time. But my first love was here for me.
Leaving a note on my doorstep that I remember particularly. “On sunny days, on rainy days. You are just as sweet.” With cherry blossoms.
Funny, my mother smelled like Japanese cherry blossoms.
So eventually we had raging hormones, young teens, and we started becoming intimate. But I was rigid. And in the back of my head, I knew why. I had repressed the repeated acts of abuse throughout my entire life. But I just wanted to forget about that. It didn’t make sense, I loved him, so why should I shy away from physical/****** interaction. I believed I was broken, something more was wrong with me. And one night he fingered me, I guess he had learned that from watching ****? Because I had no idea what he was doing. And it hurt because I wasn’t even wet. But I just was silent with a clenched jaw, not wanting to be a disappointment. The next thing, I lost my virginity to him. And what’s funny is the way he convinced me to is by saying, “For Science!”
I still find that amusing. I was like 17 or 18 I think and still a ******. I should have stayed one. The first time we had *** and I lost my virginity just seemed like I was sleepwalking. I was watching myself interact sexually with him, but I wasn’t present. Every single time I was sexually abused rushed back to my mind. And I felt as though somebody had cut off my limbs, severed my head, packed my whole body (piece by piece) into a business briefcase. And walked out the door with my body.
After that I kind of freaked out. Just too much going on. I couldn’t handle it. And my first love tried to **** himself in the months following. I think, after almost four years of companionship, we had *** only a handful of times, and it got easier and easier for me. But he tried to **** himself after we were “off” again. So I went right by his side, trying to piece together his life so he could be at peace. And not have the turbulent mind he had. And we were together. But then I had gotten up the courage to break it off again, and for good. We needed to move on. I knew what I was going to say to him, I knew I wanted to be close and have one last moment together. Finality. Closure.
But he said, “you kissed another guy. You cheated on me.” And in my head I was like no **** really what about the multiple girls that were your “friends” that you cheated on me with. Throughout the entire relationship? But I said yes, he kissed me. And I’m sorry. And he said, “We’re done.” And got up and walked off, leaving me on the curb in front of his house. No words can describe the torture it was to finally be done. And to have it be on his terms, with no closure. He was so cold. I hated it when he was like that. It was like looking in a mirror.
And that’s all I can talk about.
Funny timing, it’s 7:30 am. No sleep since yesterday at 8:00 am. Ramblings of a tormented soul.
But that was the thing I did tonight. Remember my earliest memories, and go through my life in chronological order. Accepting that it happened. At least to this point. I think I’ll keep going tonight, we’ll see.
But it’s wednesday, and I definitely need to shower for work.
-nobody

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I'm floating on a dandelion
over dead dinos and growing grass
the world is so lovely now
I hope I never come down
from hazy days and frosted leaves
winter is approaching and
I'm feeling warm and dizzy
and bright.

"SPOON FED"
BY Arcassin B


i use to dream of being famous,
i use to dream of having a car,
i use to dream of having,
anything,
that would build a better me,
people workin 9 to 5,
searching to be free,
but all you fear is yourself,
not me,
you thought you could put me down,

but i got right back up,
and said im stronger than your demons,
speaking in tounges , feeling stuck up,
preferably speaking,
but you know you cant ignore it,
all the people on the planet.



"Im On To You"
By Arcassin Burnham





blood drippin from your mouth,
i can smell ,
dangerous without a doubt,
hot as the fire , in hell,

im on to you,
if people say im foolish , idc,
im on to you,
its not just me its you and me,
im on to you

can i be the bee,
getting the nector out,
or can i be the misery,

Yeah you may be a ****, *****, *****, but that doesn't mean anything to me at all, whether you spend your Sunday nights on your knees to praise The Lord, or you're getting on your knees to praise a man, at least you don't think you're above everybody.

I've always talked to myself,
but these days
I feel stereotypically crazy
the "I should be locked up for my own good"
kind of crazy.

I don't know how long
I spent in my room
laughing until
there were tears in my eyes.
Twice I made a move
to leave the room,
twice I collapsed laughing.
I wondered if I was actually crying,
But no,
it was laughter.

Laughter,
because my god,
it's all so **** funny.

I counted my Klonopin today.
She told me to ration them.
I took four on one day
three on another,
if I skip a day or two,
I'll be able to take
four on a different day.

It makes sense in my head.

Without the Klonopin,
I'm angry again.
She asks if I'm thinking
about eating today,
"not really idc"
An "I care" response
only elicits
"Sorry about that,"
too much of a coward to say
"That's not my problem"
or better yet,
"*******, leave me alone,
go tend to your partner,
or datemate,
or whatever the ******* call them."
Maybe I don't really mean it,
but there's only
"*******"
in my heart today.

I won't take the Klonopin today
so I can drink wine or a beer
or whatever is cheap.

It makes sense in my head,
as I continue to cackle to myself.

Who the ****
do you think you are,
Kerouac?

It's all a joke to me.
I walk and walk and walk
and I buy a too sweet coffee,
instead of *****,
which I tell myself
I'll buy later.

I can behave,
if I'm in public,
only emitting
a tiny chuckle
from time to time.
Everyone here
is absorbed in their lives.
No one will know the difference.

It's all a joke to me.

The sun seems to rise,
When you looked at me
My happiness was a thread
Pulling me, forcing me towards you.
My smile was only present
When you talk to me.

You gave me light
You gave me joy
then you threw it away
breaking the thread
along with myself

no more light
no more happiness
with u gone
and now u
left me
to burn
in the dust
and i can’t pretend
like it was ok

my poison like qualities
spread to u
pushing u away
and who can
blame u
for wanting to get away
frm me
as i
rot
nto
nthing
bc
idc abt anythng
n e more

Like coffee in the morning
I grew used to you somehow
It started bitter and without warning
  it is ending that way now

Like Gene Kelly or Sinatra
You have Marlon Brando class
Went to pop music from the opera
Now I cant stop thinking about ***

Like two stings out of tune
We always seem to clash
Bring your beauty to the room
Where the music doesn't match

Art is ever changing: lke w/e idc
People rearranging: Thrz no bEutY Ne wer3
(Jaha baha LOL
They prolly tlk like diz N h3L7 )

The game played no longer how it once was
No votes on new posts
don't check the trends
or check your own for views and comments
The substantive roaming data of broken WiFi connections
Mangle your jangling words, hide your swollen faces behind forced smiles, Rembrandt bastardisations or smeared oil paintings of the black soul(less) beasts that lurk in satiate tree shadows fawned over the lawnmower blue cycle rinse washed acid soaked daydream ***** slap nation
So you revere the works once read on poetical facsimile sites
only to smear words of younger wordsmith wrangled teen angst
and now in your age and ardor it seems advantageous to judge
But then that will leave you hollow inside
or in fact, you could jump from a tall building only to bounce off the concrete into a children's pool and drown there in three inches of **** coloured rain water
But so instead the workload decreases as your dementia bedpost nightmares
all come aflutter
The laced lily white throng of petal pinched patterns masks
the marked men on their dusty knees
There, watch how heads explode
or listen to foley artists rendering the lacquered finish of the watermelon headjuice
Make up words
or make up lies
Wear make-up daily, earn some prize
or don't
I don't care
idc
idk
Resemble rhyme or reason
Disassemble the times and season
Return to pejorative pretensions, rants in verse verse verse verse prose format and **** the rest
Or simply return to the old ways of playing the game
Upvote this, and maybe they'll take interest
Comment here
return one there
Use tags, hashtags, wash rags, fat slags, arm chair fat cats
But always separated by spaces, prettyblankspaces
No, I don't do slam poetry, I'm too white and not nearly rich enough to not care
Reassemble the times and season, maybe make sense of it
Maybe not
Just don't let them become a passing trend, please

I guess I'm dying cause all my friends and family are crying but at the same time I'm happy idk why but its good someone other then me is beginning to cry I'm sorry i told you all these lies this is all i can say on my death bed i haven't said enough but idc anymore cause I'm alive right now and i don't give a **** what people are thinking or saying because I'm finally at peace with my self and i don't have any more mental anger ik now things in the past weren't my fault I'm sorry i treated you like **** I'm sorry i couldn't cope with myself and I'm mainly sorry i hurt you i can probably name a hundred people i have hurt physically and verbally and mentally I'm sorry i just hate myself not you and if your reading this i hope you know I'm getting my own consequents

there's a hickey on my chest
and I know you are the one who left it there
because it is signed in the letters of your name

and if you come over...
I'll show you how it matches the black scratch ink between my shoulder blades

R ight there for me
H onest with me
I love her and wanna be with her
A n it hurts but idc
N othing will separate us
N ever in
O ne millon years
N ice to know she dont like me

im insane so **** me now put me out of my misery so i can smile just for a while ik things will never really be ok so stop caring for me thats not what i want i want some one to **** me so i can really be at peace idc where I'm going as long as i get there I'm living on pills and there not even giving me thrills so why should i live i don't want to any more I'm going fast cause i took a whole bottle of pills didn't even look at the name just took them all and washed it down with gin i don't give a **** about all the people laughing now all i see is a light and its saying you don't have to fight anymore just be at ease be at peace and guess what I'm dead (((((======

How will you feel when that day comes?

"CONGRATS..HOPE THAT THINGS TURN OUT THE WAY THAT YOU WANT THEM TO"-dad➡➡ my response to this, thanks for your typical "I don't really give a **** but I'll say it in a way that it appears I care." You make me so ****** angry!!!! You've crippled me my whole life and I let you! I never wanted or was gonna tell you cause I knew the ******* you'd say. And I'm sure Erin will let emily&Zach; know their going to be "half aunts and uncles" cause she had to make it clear, there was a difference. But, I'm just a ******* lying ****** so what do I know? It's not my fault the evil ***** let her brother **** himself in jail cause you guys are all about "tough love" and now she lives with the guilt and has taken it out on me. I'm sorry he died b/c ppl couldn't understand addiction is a disease, no one wants to live that way! But, I hope she has night terrors til the day she dies. And you, how could you be a grandfather when you weren't even a father?! You're just poison and that's all you'll ever be. My Father's Day card remains true. Cut me outta your will, as if we're or especially me are even in it! Idc! Uncle George wasn't on good terms with his son but he tried to fix it! And the son just couldn't spend more than two hrs with him and now he's gone forever. How will you feel when that day comes?

Tamara is slowly dying from aids
She got it passed down from Her ancestors that were enslaved
She quit easily because she had no one to come to her aid 
No doctors no hospitals just a lonely maid 
She's dying what to do?
She's alone without a clue..
She's scared, afraid of death
From inside , out there's close to nothing left
She closed her only eye and asked god why?!
"I'm innocent can't you hear my cry?!" 
There's worse ppl out there why do I have to say goodbye.. 
It's not fair lifes not fair 
My personality is way passed rare , but No one else cares 
its just pointless
Your not a judge so try to point less.. 
She has feelings to she  is  even still god blessed
Just cursed from the devil to never let her soul rest..

No more im done wheres the rope
I'm not pushing on because I lost all hope
She heard the winds voice say nope
She asked again give me the rope I have no more hope,,
I'm alone and I need some to help me cope
Idc if I die just help me through this 
I don't want to be alone through this 
I don't have anyone but I still feel like I miss 
Someone..
Just give me a kiss..
No one would take the risk
Except one..
Never thought exist
A powerful holy son
Gave her a kiss..
Now Tamara sleeps in heaven with nothing to miss.....

some nights I just get tired,
but on rare occasion I'm inspired.
and you could say that I acquire
a taste for ink... so desired.

and I feel my mind rewire,
it's ice cold, but it's on fire
and I learn to just aspire
to the mind's elevation, higher

w0t3va mum
idc
lyk srsly
g3t 0utta my hair

i h8 it
whn u d0 dat
u tke ma fone
fgs mum

u knw w0t
im gunna tweet bout u
u str355 m3 0ut
mum u knw w0t
*
F U.

my reflection i hate because of the man who made it because i look just like him i can't stand being the man who i hate hurts so much knowing were exactly the same its such a shame and who's to blame me myself and I i ******* hate those guys but I'm not surprised who doesn't hate me I've been so ******* depressed lately not in my in my normal mental state now I'm ******* crazy but who's to blame me myself and I i ******* hate those guys but yet again I'm sitting on the floor sleeve up cutting because i need to be punished but its funny that my girl can do whatever she wants in the whole wide world and i have too sit and be quiet well ******* i will never be silent just crazy and violent **** everybody idc and people wonder why I'm pulling out my hair

i actually believe in death do us part but her apparently not idc I'm here waisting air **** I'm ready to slit my ******* wrist she would ******* get off on watching me die sadly i sigh because she knows theirs nothing left for me here so i wither away and die this ***** is like a parasite digging her way into my mind slowly ripping the pieces of sanity i have left and that for isn't enough i wish i would have said ******* when she dumped me then wanted me back i wish i had a ******* heart attack i wish the pain would end me already let me die

why do you cheat why do you lie I'm the only one who ever treated you right and i stay up all night trying to figure out why......... why people who see me still standing next to you ask me if I'm insane or just plain stupid and i say neither i say I'm in love and i can never leave she is the only reason i can breath and idc the consequences even death i could pay that price in a second i have nothing to loose I'm sorry jade but i can't stop drinking the ***** i will stop when you stop.