When did I forget who wanted to be?
Maybe it was when I found out that a ring doesn't mean forever;
when closed doors flew open and tore my home apart.
Maybe it was when I found out that mistakes had consequences;
Something I regret to this day and can't ever amend.
Maybe it was when I toured that school 810 miles away.
closing one chapter and opening another, with new characters.
Maybe it was when I thought I had nothing left to live for.
Maybe it was that day when a handful of pills poured out
Maybe it was that day when I hurt her again, saying it was her fault.
Maybe it was the three days I spent regretting not just swallowing those pills.
Maybe it was when I opened my veins while friends and family watched.
Maybe it was when I gathered everything I treasured, including but not limited to:
A black 3DS, which would go to my little brother.
A blue Nintendo Gameboy, which would go to my best friend.
A musical script, flipped to my favorite song, a song of goodbyes.
A foam stick, going to a friend who could use it.
My bow, recently given to me by my father;
(I wish I used it with him more)
A beaten up black hoodie, her favorite. She wouldn't take it, I'm sure, but it's only for her.
A few simple notes, detailing who gets what and why I did so.
Me, in a dress suit I knew I'd never grow out of.
Me, in a tie and belt.
Me, almost hanging there.
and a mess of memories that stopped me.
When did I forget who I wanted to be?
I suppose it was the day when I realized the person I wanted to be
no longer was a person I wanted to be.
I'll be honest, I'm still suicidal.
I make jokes, I can be happy, but at the end of the day, I just feel tired.
\Then my phone rings//
I know why I'm not the person I wanted to be.
I can't say I changed for you, or that I changed to be a "better man"
I don't need someone who's fixed.
I know I'm broken.
I don't need someone fake, wearing makeup and spending hours on looking "pretty"
I don't like that.
I need someone I can cry with
someone I can stay up late with
someone I can hold
someone I can comfort
someone I can be there for
someone I love
someone to wear that black beaten hoodie.
someone like you, Love.
Kind of a poem, more of a poor attempt to express a complicated feeling. Wait a second, I think that's what poetry is for.
This was written very late at night and I am tired.
I love her very much <3