as a young girl she followed
in her sisters footsteps because
all little girls need a role model.
she began to find lipstick imprints
and long scratches on skin and
sometimes not only her own.
she was so confused as to why
she had these marks and why all
of her friends had them too.
so when she went to go ask them
she opened the door and a thick
smoke had filled the entire room.
                              "Get O U T!"
the sister shouted, and without
a second to think she ran into her
room pulled out a journal and
wrote down how much she shreeked.
when her sister didn't want to to
talk, she asked some girls at school
exactly what her sister was doing.
the girls smiled and laughed and
soon asked her over so they could
show her what it was all about.

she coughed and coughed and
layed down in bed and she asked
                      "I've never even kissed a boy."
the girls only laughed as hecame
in the room and the girls closed the
door and walked away. she said
it was a sin, but a sin can be forgiven
if she goes to church this sunday.
after all, her sisters friends come every
sunday morning an hour early
to pray.

Have you ever been in  love?
I don't mean the teenage.
Infatuation years
We all suffered that.
I am talking the mid life crisis,
The is that all there is years.
Im talking  the two teenage kids
And a solid husband who is probably
Twice as unhappy as me
He's kind when I say.
No he understands.
but no passion no real love.

But I have a job for twenty years
I am the wedding planner
And events manager at the countryHotel..
If I say so myself I am good at it.
I bring the weddings here.
Day after day.

He was in the wedding party
I noticed him twenty years my junior
So arrogant
so beautiful
so handsome
so out of my. League

Why does youth need to look
so ******* beautiful?
I always watch the vows
at all my ceremonies.
They touch my soul.

I am forty four
Well preserved but if you look close
Behind my smile still forty four

The wedding flowed well
as all of my weddings do.

but I saw him
He was the saddest person in the room
at most he was 23
I am a romantic
An unashamed romantic.
I noticed his tears.
and wondered why.

Afterwards I found him drunk
by the elevator,
I held his head in my arms
And asked
Why so sad its a wedding?
He said I love her
but she chose my brother.

It's against hptel policy
But I helped him to his bed.
It touched me.
Me who runs a tight ship.
Me who has two teenage children.
And a. Husband who likes sports
More than me.

I still let my husband have me
about twice a week
When I am not too exhausted
from my job at the hotel.

The following week
eventually unravelled my life.
He came to work at the hotel
under me I was assigned as his boss.

I found him outside waiting for a bus
I don't know why I offered him a lift.
Perhaps his sadness
Or perhaps mine

As we reached his home
he still lived with his parents
I said cheer up
do something to excite me.
i was thinking tell me a joke or story.
He leaned forward to me.
With his long blonde hair
He Kissed my face
Then his lips kissed mine.
I Felt his passion
God how I missed that
Saturday night mommy
***** felt useless.

I tried to get him fired
he would ruin my life
i know he would.
Yet he was all I could think about.
and the thoughts were not motherly.
he had to go.

my boss said
no way he works very hard.
I gave him all the worst assignments
for two weeks but he did them
without complaint.
Then he turned to me
in my office when we were alone
and said I love you.
the blessed  words I ached
to hear so badly.

I said I am a married   woman
twenty years older than you
with two teenage children.
He said softly
you never mentioned
your husband.

Then as I realised the omission
He kissed me
***!
I was alive again
something hidden and deep
stirred in me.
Something raw
full of want and need
and yes a glow of
tenderness swept over me

I have a key to a room
I keep off limits at the hotel.
I said go to 279
I stripped off my clothes
And covered myself
with a sheet like s toga.

Hecame in and held me close.
I melted in need and desire
it burned like fire.
Me the take no prisoners boss lady.
I said to myself its only once
why not what's the damage.
hes so beautiful.

I had no idea
I had fallen in love with him
Such a mistake.
Where  can we end up I said.
44 and 23 just don't mix

Perhaps after.
He had his fill of a mature woman
that never says no.
He would move on
just a nice time
a nice experience.
for a young man.

What I did not count on
was my possessive nature
I hated the girls at the hotel
offering him free ***
I heard it all the time.
they did everything
but take their **** out,
I got so mad at him even
if it was not his fault.
He was so
beautiful and Young.

I took him to my room every day
I stripped for him and he looked at me
with heated want in his eyes.
And he took me like an Ardent lover.
And I gave myself to him
anything he wanted he got.
i had lost the word no
from my lexicon.

My Husband found out
He watched me leave
with him And knew my.
False excuses for my late arrival
home were lies.

I told him I was in love
The  whole family turned on me..
I went to my lover
he still lived at.
His mother and fathers home
They were out for the day
We made love as always but
He said you are not with me today..
noticing my preoccupation
with my troubled marriage.

His parents came home unexpectedly
And saw me half dressed
on the stairway.
perhaps
More importantly
Almost wice his age.

yet his mother smiled at me
and said you are reason he is so happy
thank you he has been in a depression
for two years ever since his girl
chose his.brother to love.
i thought he would never .be happy again.

I-tried to fix my original home life
It did not work.when
you have tasted ambrosia
Meat and potatoes just don't cut it.
He was desolate without me
how can anyone feel like that?
About me for gods sake?
And I was broken without him.

I went to his house
signaling to my  family
I was  ending my marriage
I found him drunk
Crying on the floor.
like at the wedding when I met him.
but this time he weeping over me.

I said why do you want me so bad?
you can have have
any young and pretty ladies
of your own age.

He held me close
Right to his chest.
I could feel his heart beating
through my breast.

And he whispered
almost in a primeval sob.

He gave me the only answer
that made any sense.at all.

Because I love you honey
and there is no one  else
in this world for me.*

the beginning
Jude