Can I just write a poem that says "**** the police"
for every single line
for every single stanza
and leave it at that?

Because I'm imagining his next victim, because there will be a next one,
and how she will feel when she finds out that he had my former report
on his private police record, accessible only by certain police.

I want to scream, but the metal chain he put around my throat to choke me because
"ha ha you like that, right?" after I had already said no
is still there, so nothing can come out of my mouth,
except I've been screaming as loud as I can for so long;

One year and I'm still not free.

His body weight is still crushing me, still heavy; the bruises on my body still felt every day, my body a museum of decaying loss and my mind a perfect video recording that plays on repeat whenever I just
want
some
sleep;

Nightmares I wake from and can't wake from.

I think one of the hardest days of my life was when I got my **** kit.
I mean- you know- other than the actual ****.
I developed a stutter that day.
I blame myself.
I blame. I -I- I blame myself.
But I can't!

All of the "no's" that I said to him didn't matter, the police said;
everything non consensual didn't count;
it was only the one coerced "yes" that counted;

Scared for my life but, **** the police, right?

And all the times that I said to the police "yes" that I was *****,
collapse and boom like a bomb on deaf ears of police that tell me that,
"maybe you just regretted having *** with him."

Or how about when they rolled their eyes when they learned that I met him on tinder?
I gave them a smile and answered that yes, that's true, because what else was I supposed to do but tell the truth?

Or the first thing they said to me was "so then you had a few drinks..."
Well no, sir, that's not what happned, at all.

See, there have been multiple levels of injustice here and I thought I was doing the right thing to heal.

In my partial hospitalization program that I went to for PTSD,
that I got from my ******,
I learned that the "right" thing to do was to seek help right away after a traumatic incident so that it doesn't lead to lifelong suffering;
Quick help leads to a faster recovery,
and I've always wanted to do the right thing:

Like getting him arrested for ****** me.

But the police don't listen even when your body has been confiscated, graffiti marked by your ******,
and the police tell you coldly to just seek counseling because, after all,
you "consented,"
and that your ****** isn't a ****** in the eyes of the law.
A ****** isn't a ****** but is a ****** and he's going free.
I did the right thing but I'm still stuck night after night, waking up crying;
I wonder who will be next, and that person's weight is added on top of me;
The gallery of bruises he inflicts will just continue, and I wonder where on snapchat will they be next?

To say, it's not so.
Means it never happned.
That in your eyes it never appeared to be.

When others comes toward you with accusation.
That you must defend yourself personally.

Whether it's an affair.
Or you been accused of stealing.
Truth to many is very revealing.

Especially when lied upon.

To say, you have proof.
And it's only your word.
Fall into he said, she said.
Until the investigation deny it.
Or the truth gets confirm.

Just a little evidence says a lot .
To get a small verdict even in court.
Sometimes the gulity parties walk.
While the innocent ones get booked.

To say, it's not so.
Would be a lie.
We all have witnessed this truth about a woman or a guy.

Luck has away of revealing so much.
Put a dollar bill in your pocket.
And believe on the inscription.
In God we trust.

To say, it not so.
Would show the heart of you.
Cause in truth we've got to believe in something.

Just say, it's not so.

Timetabled automobiles
run to deliver the places
much like ****** functions
so the city operates

Many a face is graced in these moving shared spaces

a rareity in the city
where we move indoors to be nimble and warm
when the weather is adorned with low hung clouds or sometimes bright clear days that come from mornings of mist and grey minded melenchony damp.

Turtle - by the name Horace
what some would call a black boy
or something but i’ve never seen a thing so foolish -

the blackness
if one would read between the lines to the connottions of what race is  
,

is mearly the opposite to the void

brimming to the full

i’m not sure if either is better
since i’m of mixed origin ,but to be honest ,

what would the fullness be in if it was not the void ( ? )

This example is everywhere
the human body
the planets that hang in the stars emptiness
or even on the macro cosmic scale

Well , well , well - the universe does it again

playing games
with mind made names
and simple syncronicites
say an awful lot

i don’t really - really - really - really - really - (hate=strongly dislike) may things
but here are a few

People who know things , that will help other people but don’t say it and instead belittle them because that’s an easier way to fuel their own self worth because somthing proberbly happned in their life that ****** them up because i was one of those people and i hated myself for it , i hated myself for not being skinny and caring what other people think , and being this or that does it matter any more? is that not that?
Lucozade


Somethings i really- really-really-really-really (love= strongly love)

Bagels with peanut butter and honey and raspberries
friends.

Two can play at a game,
but you had this
And you flaunt it.  
You were muzzy &  you left
Numskull skinner that I am remain.

Before your people
My head down and fingers crossed,
You crossed over, my hand outstretched
But in vain
Knowing all this,  why didnt you walk inn?

You should have stood in my shoes,
Seen what is saw,
The agony I went through.

Thee art like mystique
Hence i did that but,
Little did I dream  you would gimme a death blow like that.

It's true that I sinned
The debt remains
My dignity hit the sands of time
Now I gotta be the Prince of  Persia

How did you Imagine
I would bear the pain?
Or.. Did you at all?

You saw me being destroyed,
Atleast you should have asked
Why is this? What of it?

Wait;do you need a firm mind?
I thought you had.
But in battle, I must live
I must embrace my spirit
Embrace and struggle for my lose(dignity):(
It was my naivety that was the cause

You tried to clutch me out ;alot
But i managed to reject it in pain
&kept; coming back

If I  clutch you you would know, and if you then me
But you know i wouldn't.

My brain goes back to that day
Everyone talks about him
Everyone talks about how hot he is
Everyone talks about how's amazing he is
They don't know what he did
They don't know what happned
They don't know how I felt
They don't know anything about it
They don't know that I blame myself
They don't my brain goes back to that day
That room
That table
The tears I cried
They don't know that it keeps me up at night
My brain plays it like a movie
My brain plays it every night over and over again
They don't know what he did to me
They think it's a joke
They think I wanted it
They think I'm telling a lie
They made it seem like it was my fault
They don;t know he's a person who is like that
They don't know what happened
My brain goes back to the words he says
My brain goes back to the shame I felt
My brain goes back to that disgusting day
My brain goes back to the police station
My brain goes back to that day
I wish it would stop