Am always choosing
Between the lesser of two evils
The lesser of two wrongs
Haunted by the shadow of my mistakes
The guidance of my little successes
Jay 4h
I woke up to a checkered reality
and the absolutes of abandonment
three-hundred miles from a meal
From the red velvet love I craved

From cream cheese acceptance
and everything bagels with
horseradish guidance, the kind that
Stings in your nostrils and
goes down sour, but resurfaces years
later. With sweetness like ice cream

I woke up to empty pantry lies
The kind to which self authenticity dies
and I fought on, hungrier than I’ve ever been
Skinnier than I’ve ever been
I woke up lying in bed, puking on myself, and lying
to everyone around me
“I’m fine,” I say
and it’s true as long
as the bile stays in my insides

I choked down the bitter pill
Choked on a bitter hand
Bruised myself on a baseball
one I had to throw and catch and
catch and throw for
Alone for hours
before I could come inside

I licked my sweat and bile
from my face.
Swallowing my dried tongue,
I ran until I couldn’t breathe
for the father who told me to
for a glass of water
And last night,
I choked down a bitter bottle
to feel something a little sweeter

All the while, I dreamed
strawberry milk dreams of
a future, spinning like blue cotton candy
the blank, white canvas of a life to live
Your blue lips, stained with frosting
and bubblegum, passed from your mouth
to mine.
This is a poem about my journey, I guess. I had a pretty dysfunctional life growing up, and it's about fighting through stuff and coming out the other side. The last stanza is the trans pride colors. Because escaping from my reality and becoming the girl I felt like I was is the thing that gets me through all the other stuff.

— The End —