You know when you are growing up

The stages you go through

Make you the way you are

They help to make you...YOU

The people who you deal with

Whether family or your friends

Are very influential

And they're with you 'till the end

But little things they tell you

Might  get on your last nerve

You know you sometimes hate them

And it's not something they deserve

I miss my Grandad fiercely

Now, more than before

I wish I'd listened closely

And I wish I'd listened more

You know the tales that old folks tell

The one's we love to hate

Like "you've not got it hard boy"

"You've got it ****** great"

We all know about the walk to school

The uphill walk both ways

About how they only had an orange

And it had to last four days

You know they meant the best for you

But, that's not how it came off

You'd love to go and visit

But, you also loved to scoff

Times were always harder then

You never knew what you had

At least that was the feeling

That I got from my Grandad

They all got married younger

They were stronger in their minds

We were lazy, non-commital

To hard work, we were blind

So, every time a visit

Came around, I'd ask to stay

I'd rather be at home alone

Than with Grandad for the day

But, one day changed my feelings

I learned what Grandad was about

When I went there for a visit

And my Grandad took me out

We went out for a road trip

That my parents did allow

And that road trip still stays with me

My eyes were opened....wow!

He knew I would have rather

Stayed at home and not been there

But, I went out for my parents

And he knew I didn't care

First he took me to a building

"I'm just here to quaff a brew

And while I'm sitting with my cronies

There's something you must do."

I didn't know it was a legion

And he handed me a book

He said this was a memoriam

And that I should have a look

Each face I saw stare back at me

Had died before their time

They went to fight for freedom

Not just theirs, but yours and mine

Mere children when you think back now

And how they went to war

They would forever be this young

And would not age forever more

Grandad said, "We're going"

"We have another stop"

And it was at this destination

That the other penny dropped

He took me to a statue

In the park, so resilute

It was stone and bronze and copper

And my Grandad did salute

The cenotaph he called it

I'd not heard that name before

He said it was a monument

To those who'd gone before

The names and the young faces

That I'd seen that afternoon

Were honored by this edifice

That stood like a Roman Ruin

"Each town" he said gave their young men

To make sure  Freedom reigned

"And each Legion has a book like ours

So we don't forget their names"

I stepped back from the statue

that honored our towns dead

He said, "do not salute"

"you can stand and bow your head"

That day, My Grandad reached out

And he made me understand

All those things he'd told me

And what it takes to be a man

Now, years have passed and he is gone

I miss him every day

"We walked up hill both ways to school"

I'd love to hear him say

Forty years have come and gone

Now, I'm a Grandad too

I've two grandkids I'd love to see

And, I hope they'd love to see me too

But, just like me when I was young

They want to live their life

They'd rather spend time with their friends

Than with their Grandad and his wife.

My son dropped by the other day

And the kids came to say hi

I'd love to see them more than this

And that's the reason why

I loaded up the car with them

"I' won't be long my dear"

"We're just off for a short road trip "

"Just to go and have a beer"

She smiled, she knew the reason

And I know that she is glad

For I want them to be proud of me

Like I was, my Old Grandad.

I remember watching Grandad
Whenever it would rain
He would walk around the house a lot
You could tell he was in pain

See, Grandad fought in World War One
Though he never said a word
He was hearing things inside his head
Things no one ever heard

He hated rain, it made the mud
And that's where it began
Fighting, deep within the trenches
Keeping dry as best you can

Everything was always wet
You fought the ***, and fought the sky
The battle in the trenches seemed
To find ways to keep dry

Fifty yards away, no more
The enemy was waiting
Would today be when we made a move
Both sides always waiting

There were no birds up in the sky
Just clouds and all that rain
That war was stuck in Grandads head
And it was driving him insane

My dad would watch as Grandad walked
To hide from that **** sound
You know that all he thought of then
Was that trench, and muddy ground

You'd wrap yourself in what you could
You'd use  uniforms of the dead
Taken from your cohorts
Soaked in mud, and stained blood red

Boots, soaked through like paper
Feet wrapped up as best you could
The mud was everlasting
It covered everything but good

Dad, said it was painful
To watch Grandad on those days
He would hide so deep within himself
In a deep, dark, mental maze

The sun, it never dried the earth
The water just sat in little pools
With the sunlight bouncing off of it
Leaving drops shining like jewels

The smell, of rotting corpses
Piled high down at the end
Bodies of the fallen
The bodies of your friends

Dad said it was different
When he went off to fight
It wasn't like his father's war
It was just like day and night

I remember when my Grandad passed
It rained the whole day through
I remember as they lowered him
Now, I know what Grandad knew

The mud, the worms, the water
Filled his little six foot trench
And everyone was soaked on through
In my mind, I smelled the stench

I feel sorry for my Grandad
Because in truth, I like the rain
And I feel so sorry for him
That it caused him so much pain

The horror of the battle
And the act of keeping dry
You might defeat the enemy
But, not both...but, you'd try

I remember watching Grandad
And of how he hated rain
But, my Grandad was my hero
And, now I know...he's out of pain

When I was a little lassie my Grandad and I
were very fond of each other indeed
(although not sexually I must add
before you suspicious buggers start complaining).

Over the hills and fields we used to wander just like, er,
...let me think of a nice metaphor here...
er, like a man and his granddaughter or
like a couple of not so lonely clouds.

Oh how joyfully we would seek out rare birds’ nests
so as to smash the eggs to bits in a frenzy of joy,
which we both enjoyed a lot as it was, er, reet good fun
and a statement of individual choice we both appreciated.

Sometimes we would noisily take a steaming **** together
(although ABSOLUTELY NO ****** contact ever took place
I really must reiterate that for all you ***-abuse-obsessives,
but he had a stupendously big ***** for an old codger).

When we got home in the evening dear old Grandad
would usually make us a nice *** of builders' tea
and some ****** great doorstop sandwiches, but
even at that tender age I would have opted for a good stiff whisky.

Or, come to think of it, a large glass of chilled Chardonnay,
and a plateful of smoked salmon or some oysters,
but the old ******* was teetotal (at least in public) -
either that or just plain ******* mean as Hell.

Darling wizened Granny would make us some toast
out of leftover stale Mother’s Pride white bread,
but, being half blind, the silly fat old cow usually managed
to burn it to a sodding inedible cinder.

On Sundays they would get the gramophone out
and put on some tango 78 records
as they loved Latin American dancing and a good old *****
of each other's flaccid, age-withered buttocks.

How happily I remember the old couple tangoing away
just like a couple of wrinkled whirling ****** dervishes
to 'La Cumparsita' recorded by Mantovani & His Tipica Orchestra
on 20th June 1940 and issued on the Decca label.

They also taught me how to do the rumba
(oompah, oompah, stick it up your jumpah)
and I became quite an expert at the Cuban samba
(which my beloved Grandad wittily called the *****).

How joy-filled were those faraway times of my golden childhood.
but one day I went round only to find an ambulance outside
and the paramedics told me the old pair had been found dead in bed,
their boudoir resembling an abattoir at closing time.

Grandad had bashed the old *****’s brains out
with a red-hot poker during some depraved *** session
and then shoved it eighteen inches up his own *******
which must surely have stung his piles quite a bit.

But what a creative way to go - I bet he danced a bit
as the steaming poker seared his poor back passage.
And thus my grandparents ascended up into the sky -
may they stay forever young in the company of the angels.

Let me again emphasis our friendship was purely platonic
because this was in the rare old times of yesteryear
when widespread paedophilia was not yet a gleam in the eye
of some trash newspaper editor eager to engage with the plebs.

Standing in the darkened garage
I listen to the whistling winter air
And think of times so long ago
And of one who is not there

My Grand dad was a whistler
No matter what he did
Whether reading, sitting, standing still
Whistling is what he did

He told me once the secret was
To purse your lips and blow
It took me years to figure out
But the secret I now know

No one whistles anymore
I love to hear a whistle or a trill
whether someone is just walking by
Or it's a bird out on the hill
I think of Grandad everytime
I hear a whistle sound
I only wish deep in my heart
That he was still around

Chopin, List, John Lennon
It didn't matter one **** bit
He would whistle what was in his head
And I would listen and I'd sit

Grandad could make music
No matter where he was
His whistle made him special
At least, special to us

No one whistles anymore
I love to hear a whistle or a trill
whether someone is just walking by
Or it's a bird out on the hill
I think of Grandad everytime
I hear a whistle sound
I only wish deep in my heart
That he was still around

The wind sounds high and vicious
As I listen through the door
It's a sound Grandad made daily
It's a sound I hear no more

A simple act of moving air
Across one's lips is all
But Grandad could translate it
Into a wild birds call

No one whistles anymore
I love to hear a whistle or a trill
whether someone is just walking by
Or it's a bird out on the hill
I think of Grandad everytime
I hear a whistle sound
I only wish deep in my heart
That he was still around.

I only have one photo of Grandad
from his years of service in the Great War,
and in it he’s wearing a leopard-skin leotard.

My paternal grandfather, Grandad,
was brought up in Brockley, South-East London
In his teens he was conscripted
and became a gunner sergeant in the Royal Field Artillery.

I still have his stirrups and his French/English phrase book
which includes useful words, like dysentery,

(think of the movie, ‘War Horse’, and you’re almost there).
He fought in the mud in France and put a lot of horses out of their misery.

Apparently, he enjoyed the stage – a song and a dance,
and almost went professional after a string
of successful nights at the local Roxy,
all of which makes me want to have known him better,
but he died in my teens.

He laughed a lot, loved his vegetable garden
and had a collection of handy-sized, hard-back books
giving details of how various circuits and wiring worked.

I recall his bear of an armchair
and how it was in easy reach
of a slim stack of shallow drawers
from which he would take slender tools or small curios
and sit and explain their significance to my bemused child self.

I have the brown photo somewhere -
it’s not one I’d like to frame as it raises too many questions for me.

Like – is that bloke next to grandad meant to be Robinson Crusoe?
Like – what prompted grandad to ‘black up’ from head to toe – is he Man Friday?

And now, I stare at the photo handed to me by my friend of his grandfather, complete with rifle and medals,
and again I silently ask my grandad – why?

Oh how he loves Hannah
It surely does show
From the top of her head
To her tee-niney toes

She'll sit on his lap
And won't she be glad
When he asks who she loves
She can say, "You Grandad!"

Then Hannah leans over
And gives me a kiss
But makes sure it's something
That Grandad won't miss

It's part of the game
To taunt and to tease him
But deep in her heart
she knows it to please him

Then Grandad looks wounded
"Don't waste kisses!" he'll shout
"Save 'em all up for me!"
Then he puffs up and pouts

So she giggles and gives him
A sweet sideways glance
Revealing the love
That makes his heart dance

And we round the table
Can just watch with wonder
'Cause their love is stronger
Than lightning or thunder

Written by Sara Fielder © 1996

The man with green hair and green hands.

A long long time ago
When army’s wore uniforms.
We were khaki they were grey.
My grandfather was fire warden
In WW2 he had seven sons
And three daughters .
You could say he was
a bit of a pacifist.
Make love not war
Was his mantra.
He married my Grandma
when she was seventeen.
They were to stay married
for over sixty five years.
And produce  tribe of ten children.
He had spent his whole life
Working as a coppersmith
For the same company.

His hair and hands tinted green
From the metals Verdigris.
My father was a baby just born
In the middle of the war.
We lived in Manchester.
Money was always tight.
But we were happy.
Just as Herr ****** invaded Poland
My grandad bought our first house.
We always rented until then.
It was a large town home.
The six older boys
All joined the marines
At the outbreak of the war.
They did one act of preparation
That ultimately saved the family.
They took down an old barn for a farmer
And used the beams to shore up the stone cellar
of the house.
When the air raids came later.
We would all huddle under the stair well
Until the all clear sirens sounded.
When the bad raid came
It was the early hours of the night.
Grandad was out on fire watch.
Six of the sons were on ships
In Europe and the far east.
My aunty told me much later.
When the war was long over.
She heard the bomb falling
It screamed as it fell.
Exploding just outside our house
the house caved in and they
were all buried under the rubble
in total darkness.
She said grandma was
breastfeeding the baby my dad.
Grandad was busy the raid was a hard one.
A friend said Frank your house has been hit
It’s bad.
He dropped everything and ran and ran
Breathless he reached the fallen house.
In his heart he thought we were all dead.
It took ten neighbors four hours to reach us.
They pulled the girls out first
Then the baby my dad.
And finally the dimutive figure of my grandma.
She was weeping.
She said Frank we’ve lost everything.
There’s nothing left.
He held her in his big arms
Tears flowing from the eyes of a man
Who had had a hard life.
Who never cried.
He kisses her full on her lips
A single sign of public affection
That was out of his character.
He whispered to grandma.
That odd Mary
Because I just found
Everything I ever wanted or needed.

GRANDAD TENDS HIS DAHLIAS

the fog
walks among the tombs
"I encounter my first ***

he was a man
he looked just like me
as if I were...killing myself!"

stretching back
through space & time
the instant of that moment

the German falls
beside a tomb
like a badly written play

Grandad bayonettes
the German...looks surprised
to be dying

Grandad plunges the bayonette in
twists it about
the German almost grins

then the dance
of the living & the dying
in strict time

the German goes down
on one knee
as if proposing to Death

Granddad stabs the German
through the lifeline
of his left hand

the dying German's
left outstretched hand
like a man about to sing a song

"As he fell
his hand touched my hand
'This...' I thought '...is hell!'"

all his life
the touch...that touch
impossible to shake off

Grandad tends his dahlias
the dying German
still clouding his eyes

grandad he is funny just 90 years old
even in the summer he always says its cold
he likes to tell his stories of how he used to be
how he led his life living wild and free.

nights he used to have drinking in the pubs
dancing with the ladies in the local clubs
days with all his friends and all the fun he had
pulling lots of pranks a proper jack the lad.

now he as grown old not like he used to be
in his mind his younger days he will always see
i love him very much he means the world to me
a grandad in a million that led his life so free

My grandad
He parts wise words
He tells a story
Of once in a lifetime

Migration to England
Fresh off the boat
Earning at fourteen
To lend a hand he was keen

A tale
That could only be his
Of travelling to Afghanistan
Him and his car in 1966

A young wife and 3 sons
Along came a daughter
When he needed one
Got them married his job was done

He is the vision of hope
For without that
You might as well be a dead man
Work hard and live honest

My grandad always says
Do your bit
And stand tall and proud
Keep your feet firm on the ground

And now he speaks
Of friends all gone
Wrapped up in a shroud
That day will come for us all son

You'll lose your sight
Hearing
Teeth and hair too
Remember this no matter what you do

Never do anything
Which one day you will rue
And if you don't learn from your mistakes
Don't weep and expect anyone to pity you

Amazing it was what Grandad would do
with a drop of oil or a bit of glue
Stopped watches, sticking locks
Faulty switches, zips on breeches
Kettles that wouldn't sing
Bells that wouldn't ring
He'd say let me have a look  my dear
Touch the pencil behind his ear
Adjust his specs, stick out his tongue
And in a jiff it was mended and done
But now he's not here to save us from sin
Anything broken goes straight in the bin

Oh I’m killin myself
But I’m doin it slow
Cuz i like to get high
And i like to feel low

And I’m fallin in love
But she’s running away
Now I’m falling apart
I'm ****** falling apart

Oh when did it start
Oh what can I do
Im so stuck in the old
and I’m begging for news

And Im begging for you
to just stay
Oh please don't go away

Oh lord, wouldn’t grandma be proud
to see her powder faced chowder headed grandson now
n I said oh lord, oh, wouldn’t grandad rejoice
to see his little baby grandson spewing land mines with his voice
Oh Lord, wouldn't grandma be proud?
Oh Lord, Wouldn't grandad laugh out loud?

Oh I’m killin myself
But its taking too long
Cuz I done run out
my mind is almost gone

And though I just woke up
The sun is setting
I don’t feel like doing nothing but
Resting where my nest is

But won’t you please sing along
To make me feel ok
These rhymes are all i got
To distract from the pain

In plain view I stand
Rib cage ajar
Come dive inside
You can live in my heart

Oh lord, wouldn’t grandma be proud
to see her powder faced chowder headed grandson now
n I said oh lord, oh, wouldn’t grandad rejoice
to see his little baby grandson spewing land mines with his voice
Oh Lord, wouldn't grandma be proud?
Oh Lord, Wouldn't grandad laugh out loud?

No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

I don’t have the desire to see another end;
after exhaustive months of getting to know
a fictionalised persona, fragmented, so

No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

The last one hurt and you didn’t see,
but that doesn’t proclaim the scar less prominent to me,
my feelings numb, I no longer crave the intimacy - detrimental to me.

No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

The last boys touch was for him not for me
and my body still screams cause he won’t let it be
and you’ll never understand as the trauma won’t subside
and my self esteem is diminished by his lies.

No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

I humoured a guy who gave it a try
but all I could feel was nothing inside
and when someone bumps into me sauntering by
the unwanted touch still makes me cry.

No, I don't want a boyfriend.

I have some universal advice to give
To help with all you do
It's a simple little thing you see
It's as easy as one two

A girl asked me out dancing
This is something that I dread
Then I remembered my old grandad
He was talking in my head

He said...

Always lead with the left my boy
The left's the proper one
They're expecting you to use the right
But, it's the left that gets things done

I got drafted in the army
And at marching I was sad
I always got my feet mixed up
Then I thought of my grandad

Marching was a treat from then
With my grandad in my head
I'll break it down in squads for you
Here's exactly what he said...

He said...

Always lead with the left my boy
The left's the proper one
They're expecting you to use the right
But, it's the left that gets things done

I joined the army boxing team
I was skinny, quite absurd
There was no way I could ever win
Then I heard my grandads words

I took two rounds to win my bout
My master corporal was surprised
I had listened to my grandads words
And only got me one black eye

He said...

Always lead with the left my boy
The left's the proper one
They're expecting you to use the right
But, it's the left that gets things done

I met a girl while home on leave
I took her home to bed
And in the back I thought I heard
something grandad once had said

He said...

Always start with the left  my boy
The left's the proper one
They're expecting you to use the right
But, it's the left that gets it done.



..

It's Grandad's birthday coming up
He says he wants a ******,
To entertain him in the bath tub-
Better not tell Granny

daring me on
with whiskey and cigar
to the pack camaraderie
of manhood

Rivers flow deep from my eyes,
Because today  is the day,
That I finally say my goodbyes,
Today, I let you go.

Your passing was the hardest,
It broke my heart the mostest,
Grandad, you took a piece of me,
The day you  left Nan and me.

I know it was your time,
But you were mine,
You were my best friend,
But tragically that came to an end.

Today I lay you to rest,
Dear grandad, you were the best,
Your final resting place by the sea,
The place you where always meant to be.

Something about the woven leather
Reminds me of sandals you once wore,
In the garden enjoying the sun.
Your shorts and that old cotton vest
the one that was probably once white,
but Nanny wasn't around to do your whites anymore,
and so it grew greyer as your hair grew whiter.

The sun's rays danced through the waves of your hair
and into the garden,
Filling it with light, shining down upon plastic flowers planted among coloured stones.
Smells of stale cakes from bargain stalls and the sugar from flat lemonade in murky cups wafted out the back door and clashed with that overpowering cooking smell as you sat in your sun lounger and baked yourself in vegetable oil, cooking your Irish skin to a crisp!

The flower patterns of your walls in the garden and cast iron patio furniture,
The plastic mat that covered the carpet and always managed to trip us,
The halogen heater in the parlour and blanket on your knees,
The clumps of bullseye sweets in your locker and Quality Street tin of empty wrappers,
The damp and stale smells of the kitchen in your care,
The holy pictures and moving Jesus on the stairs,
The bath marbles we loved to play with and how they'd smash upon collision,
And the pink, silk quilt that enveloped your bed,
They're all pieces in the mosaic that illustrates your memory now and they'll never be broken.
I've glued them so tightly together it's as strong as your jaw!
Your jaw, always known to make eyes water when you'd turn during a goodbye kiss on your cheek and crush our noses! Even when we tried to approach with caution! But oh what anyone of us wouldn't give to feel that again, just to say goodbye and think we'd be over to the Bluebell to see you again.

So now I sit and look at the woven leather on my sandals and remember all the details, all the memories that are woven together to make you. Sometimes I wish I could click the heels together.
Bluebell
Bluebell
Bluebell
And be back in that garden, once more.

Grandad's gone.
He's still with us, but....he's gone...if you understand me correctly.  Hasn't been with us for a few years. We thought it funny at first, till we realized what was happening. Then it dawned on us....he didn't know us anymore. Lifetime's of memories....events, holidays, pictures, kisses, hugs and laughter....and only we could remember them. When we told him about them, he would smile and stare away...trying to find them in his mind, with no luck.


When it started, he was telling me about a dog that he had heard about. A poyne setter, he called it. I told him, I'd never heard of it. He couldn't tell me what it looked like, just what it was called. When I looked it up on the internet, the closest I found to it, was the plant...a poinsetta. I told him it was a funny joke, but he got mad. Told me he saw it on a dog  show on television, it was a dog, a Poyne Setter, and he was angry at me.

Not long after that, every time he saw me, he said "Anne, can you do this for me? or Anne, can you get me that?". My name is Sarah, Anne is my Aunty. She's been gone since 1963, car crash. I'm not Anne. I thought he was doing it to make fun of me for the Poyne Setter thing. He wasn't. We were losing him.

He talked a lot about the early sixties, kept on calling me Anne. I put up with it, because for every time he messed up my name, after a short spell, he'd get it right and we'd be fine.

A few weeks back, it happened again. I  hadn't been around for a while and he sat there, looking out at the sea from the porch, when suddenly he turned to me and said "Anne...I need you to find me something". I said sure Grandad...he didn't notice.
"I want you to find me one of those sweaters they keep talking about...one of those fleece things. But, he added...I want a wool one, a nice wool one. A Wool Navidad....not a fleece navidad, but, a wool one. This time, I knew he wasn't kidding.

I told him, I'd look. He smiled, and turned and kept staring out from the porch. He always loved his porch. Full of plants out there to tend, when he remembered. Most of them were dead or dying now, which was sad because he always took such care of them.

My favorite, was always the wandering jew....he'd kept it alive for nearly thirty years now. I was keeping it alive, he didn't remember it at all. We used to joke about the name, he called it a creeping jesus....just to get me angry. Now, it was just a plant, he didn't remember.

We've lost Grandad. He's still here, but, he's gone. I hope he finds us in there some day, creeping jesus', fleece navidads, poyne setters and all.

its great when your a grandad with lots of girls and boys.
they fill your heart with gladness and bring you lots of joys
they bring back lots of memories as they begin too play
then you remember when you were once that way.
there something to be proud off and keep you younger too
as you give your love to them they give it back to you

Over the handle bars and up the road,
hold on tight,here we go,
waving on to the people going by,
this man, oh you know, he was never shy,
the friendly smile was not just every once and awhile,
always there ,an ear to share,
a heart, oh he really did care.

The peeky cap, if you stole he'd snap
"you're never too old for a slap",
them shining eyes, often spoke of his 3 boys,
when they where young& the things they done,
he never forgot, the two who complete the lot,
two wonderful girls for years were there by his side,
the stories he'd share,
he'd tell of his wife, the woman who complete his life,
her beautiful looks they were always a must.

through the years,was fond of his beers,
always an eexcuse to raise 3 cheers,
a man full of laughter and everyone would follow after,
he'd  joke, you'd choke leaving you with a croke.

when he was around, there was never a frown,
one thing he wouldn't do, was bring you down,
you know he was messing, if he was in your life a blessing,
a true gent, in his company time well spent,
a man so strong, a hero, in our hearts he belongs!

I remember the advice
I remember every word
Grandad sat me down and said
Kids should be seen,  not heard
Always turn the other cheek
Unless he hits you first
I'll always wash your mouth with soap
If I find out you've cursed
Always treat folks with respect
Be polite and never smoke
Always use good manners
And don't tell ***** jokes

He smiled when he said this
A little twinkle in his eyes
Don't believe a word of these
They're all confounded lies

No one learns a thing at all
By doing what they're told
I'm talking from experience
Listen son...I'm old

Read the good book daily
But, just use it as a guide
Remember, they're just stories
Not hard rules to abide

Grandad always had a drink
and his pipe was always full
He'd always wink at me
When he was spouting bull

Rules are to be broken
That's just how you learn
Respect is not a given
It's something that you earn

He'd let me sip a little beer
And sometimes smoke the pipe
But, he always took his hanky out
And gave them both a wipe

One thing Grandad always said to me
You always must be clean
People care about where you're going
They don't care where you've been

Grandad gave advice for free
Not the same as mum and dad
The advice I got from granddad
was the best I ever had

I'm almost 84 now
And I'm still breaking all those rules
I've found that those who never did
Ended up a bunch of fools

Remember the good book is for guidance
They're just stories someone told
You can learn more stuff if you listen
To someone who's grown old.

My Grandad,
I know nothing about you,
I never  really did,
You died long before I was born,
never even a sparkle in your eye,
I have no idea what you looked like,
I know not how you died,
nor when.

I know once that you were a saddler,
a maker of fine leather,
In deepest Dorset, laid a paving slab with our family name on.
I saw it once or twice,
It was positioned smartly on the pathway, outside a shabby looking shop,  that shop it wasn't yours, you had long since gone,
The shop, well it's probably a convenience store now,
haven't been there for a good many years,
That kerb stone may have stayed in place,
One day, I may go take a look,
a photo for my memory book.
(C) Livvi

I can't find the words to describe how I feel
I know I miss you dearly
And would love to see you again
We were never that close
But you showed me that family is everything
What life is all about
Making the most of the time you have together
And supporting the ones you love when you're secretly suffering
I remember the last time I saw you
We all knew it was the end
I can't bear to think about that day
I wish I could tell you all the amazing things I am doing
And for you to see me grow up and enjoy life
But I know you're watching over me
And I know I'll meet you again some day soon

Christmas is traditions
some last and others die
some leave you feeling fuzzy
others leave you asking "Why?"
There's rules that must be followed
And most of them we know
About gifts and cards and Christmas trees
and then there's mistletoe....

We all know the tradition
We all know what it is
You meet under the berries
And then you both must kiss
But, there's etiquette surrounding
The dreaded mistletoe
And there are things you aren't aware of
And I thought you all should know....

Always kiss your Aunties
Do it quick and on the cheek
Their lips are full of slobber
and sometimes they just reek

Grandmas, get a quick kiss
And ignore the sounds they make
Don't hug Grannies too tightly
They are brittle and might break

Avoid the pervert Uncles
With hands and eyes that roam
They act one way at Christmas
And another way at home

The little kids, won't kiss you
So, it's fun to give them chase
Make sure there's lots of slobber
So, they can wipe it off their face

Make sure kissing Grandad
That he has got his teeth
That they're not somewhere  in a glass
or worse, smiling from a wreath

Always kiss your Mum though
Beware, Mums will always cry
and they will get you going too
No matter how hard you try

Kiss the one you came with
Let them know just how you feel
That your love for them's eternal
And your love for them is real

Kissing is tradition
and at Christmas can be great
But, don't kiss all the women
And forget about your date

The most important rule of all
If you don't want your bell rung
When kissing 'neath the mistletoe
DO NOT USE THE TONGUE

Dearest of them all
the light of my life,
without you there is darkness

The love of my life,

I do not find you in the pearl
or in the rest of the world
Like you said i will
I do not go to the "market"
Yes all day i sit still
And to live i have managed

It's not been long till you said
"Hold on to me love,
For in moments i am dead"
And moments later you left me
now watching us from above
And tales i tell my grandson
and he listens so keenly
Love like ours has done
immeasurable healing to him

Bask in your wisdom, the whole village
now comes to me for justice
They're rights taken and land pillaged
How much do they miss their king!

Yes for nine times i thought no
we cannot be so,
The time was seventy years ago
I was young and never imagined
You'll see in me what i hadnt

But i lost now the will to live
im old and not beautiful anymore
you at all the wonderful things at store
To tell me and to make me smile
Why? why couldnt you stay a while

But ill be there, my king
wherever you are our love will bring
Yes ill continue to live
But i'll see you soon i believe
I'll see you soon i believe

You.
You who taught me love and kindness and hope
and knitting and optimism and forgiveness and baking.

Yet you were also my first loss.
You taught me grief and how nothing stays the same.
Even a mind can deteriorate so much I wonder it makes me wonder if
you ever were so good.
Maybe I just exaggerate. Because you aren't  here to prove me wrong or disappoint me.
But how could anyone have been so good?

But even if I was looking at you through the rose tinted glasses of youth
I refuse to tarnish my opinion of you
I will keep these glasses forever
I insist.You taught me all this and more.

Because of you I visit grandad more  
to remind me of what
I lost
and a reminder to appreciate what I still have.
That house will always remind me of you
I hope that is ok.

I wonder why it took another mans tears for your ears to open to the truth.
Years I’ve spent crying over you,
Getting drunk off the whiskey residue on your skin,
Spinning in and out of your life
Alarmed and dizzy.
A meteorite that never quite hit the mark.

How were you to know you used to be the sun,
That you’d cast us into an ice age?
We will orbit you until there is nothing,
Spinning ourselves into oblivion.

I wrote once that your hands cradled dust,
But that doesn’t do justice the worlds your hands crafted
Or the lives you lived.
A father, first and foremost.
It saddens me I will never know all your children.
I doubt you feel despair that you never knew them either.