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Steven Fried Sep 2013
Bowling *****.
Stepping in and smelling fresh diarrhea and cigarettes
Slide your fingers into the heels of over worn shoes
Then your feet- someone has been here before, hundreds of people have
sit in the solid plastic swivel
step up to the dead rack and pick up a germ infested, god-forsaken ball
bowl terribly and pull your glute
repeat.
Ten frames.
mine myopic eyes stare intently in2 cyberspace
folk kiss my sing song snap chat ting
mine eyes fixated b4 ur image seconds erase
with an exclamation of eureka a ha -
u look familiar at least yar face
mebbe we both lived during the same time
centuries ago, eh
perhaps in adjoining caves some place
and/or dashed off the starting line of tha human race.

this yo dull ling josh hing glute max a mess ****
tooting ring ding oof a max i mus drake
haint named bruce
boot ah do like the taste of cous cous
what the deuce
as i goose
step wit a ***** loose
whereby bull winkle the moose
n natasha the squirrel plus otter creatures
tink i lack mental juice
er purr haps goot a ***** el loose
i.e. ja dat - right duh gray matter
of dis knit wit "infamous" noose

cents, sum hmm iz amiss
from dis indigent guy
still lugged in a papoose
cob bulled with whirled wide web
peppered with rotten green tomatoes -
prompting n immediate VAMOOSE
& find my rye ming ting ab
solute zero in chime with zee cuckoo
ready 2 call up doktor demento ore zeus.

thus, this friendship introduction
will mutual ideally nada blow
based on ma unseen essence of body, mind
& soul moreso than dough
i.e. money, which tends
2 be a superficial criteria
viz assess worthiness to flow
toward greater comprehension
akin 2 a garden
that requires one 2 **** din ***
thus, this common non sloppy joe
maw owl ease keeps 2 himself i.e. ya know
a contemplative sort & writes ha low

2 you crossing fingers
no immediate aversion arises,
yet an emphatic "no"
toward me would be taken
in stride per this poe
it, whose ability finds comfort
within the simple pleasures
of life while invisible 1 that doth row
this creaky human vessel,
yes on occasion calls out 4 a big tow.

mebbe as a d liver e purse son
2 supplement social security income
(this disability 4 generalized anxiety)
within me gray matter doth lay.
Betsy Sep 2016
I am a gluttony glute
A globulous festering
Chute
A billowing bellowing
Blorp
A sniferous sneferous
Snort
The more I learn, the more
     I realize how little I know…
which insightful, gutsy,
     entrancing, catchy apothegm

     attributed to Socrates by way of Plato
subsequently self ranking myself
     amidst Phylum Chordata with the Dodo bird
     Class Aves (namely

     said extinct flightless winged creature
with a mass of 29 – 51 pounds Oh!)
once endemic to the island of Mauritius,
east of Madagascar in the Indian Ocean,

     none would be espied,
     no matter how thorough
going across aquatic spreadsheet,
     one might row
eventually coordinating
     dropping vertical column in toto
arriving back to original
     mentally ponderous premise

     gamboling feint enroute to see
     Old Man Wizard Of Oz
     meets Crow Medicine Show
pitching thy quasi recursive query - bro

ching concurrence with another maxim to boot
“ignorance iz bliss”, which lack o'learn'n
     doss appeal to this old coot,
yet such pithy accordance came
     to this smart *** to late,
     a mister wordsmith
     with a palm pilot maximum glute
clamors (at risk of life and limb) to hoot

and holler when new kernel
     of knowledge gleaned finds me mute
as if raw bit of savored information akin
     to unearthing a rare gem,
     or rare species of newt
temporarily allaying fervent quest to root
thru hefty tomes of great literature,
     and tracts that suit
many other subjects,
     less to be arrogant and toot

my own horn, but more so...
to satisfy an increasingly
     insatiable hunger grow
wing nsync with unquenchable
     thirsty ambition less for dough
(cuz bing po'
with treasure trove of voluminous
     expansive bookish notions doth shaw

surpass becoming suddenly wealthy tin *** hustlers
     with un hewn fifty nine shades of gray straw
this haint no cowardly lion seeking Androcles
     to extract thorn from hum my faux paws.
Ach'n (ache Ken) Existential Struggle...

(NOT by Bellini, Paganini, Rossini...
Eeny Meany Miney Moe - si,
nor the three stooges tee hee hee)

twill never end till...this oft writ trend
of mine will never end,
only when...mortality
ike'n no longer defend!

Thus...once again, (or...as per usual),
this poem iz a boot
ruminations about bout,
who else except this ole coot
at das receiving end ******
lifetime role, and goot

raw end of deal, sans docks side of
moon efficient intervention
(teachers never gave a hoot)
as they appeared oblivious,
how moost all classmates did loot

mine emotional account, viz
cheap trick super ***** ping coot
tees reviled, renounced,
and wreaked havoc as root
of all misfortunate previous

to mine existence,
as iced (sic culled) hood
reaper remained mute
and scythe lent,
while (cue in dolorous)

melody issued from
Mose Arts magic flute,
whereat serpent (also known
in political circles as
Sally Salamander Newt

Gingrich) charmed goaded,
and relentlessly needled
Eve with snake hushed snoot,
thenceforth viper got ramrod
rigid taut as jute

of course this a fallacy as
just smore hove my fruit
fully "FAKE" pre fabric hated
discombobulated trumpeting ill suit
head prevarications – more

offal than glute
tee us expulsion, donned
as invisible faux poetic
apparel clothing with astute
cheeky effects,  thus allowing,
enabling, and providing

adapt tub bull usage as zoot suit,
or as space age jumpsuit,
when I travel (with my cute Malamute
outsize prairie dog like fine home
companion) to the outer limits

of the twilight zone,
which groovy farout signals
detected by vodafone
and desperate plea made
to aliens to abduct me

(receiving an affirmative
digital binary tone)
similarly couched courtesy of publishers,
unlike the negative responses,

predictably forecast, no complex koan
but clear as day -
inducing a slight inward moan,
which figurative slap in face

finding yours figuratively prone,
hence...a recurring well known
fantasy regarding plucking
this chicken (198920) heart lee
moss see rolling stone.
Aye Go Gaga

Hey Play boy bunny,

(▒)(♥)(▒)

Are you tired looking for real dating partner like me
whelp...probably nada worth yar while spending precious
   time frittering away re:
ding tha following mish mash literary mush - we
ving, and bobbing, which iz meaningless mum bo pap agree?

(▒)(♥)(▒)


This poker face mwm 4 bad romance gamboling hall
ideal to suit up for a fun virtual cat and mouse chase
myopic eyes stare intently into cyberspace
folk kiss sing song snap chat ting
mine eyes fixated b4 ur image seconds erase
with an exclamation of eureka a ha -
u look familiar at least yar face
mebbe we both lived during same time centuries ago, eh
perhaps in adjoining caves some place
and/or dashed off the starting line of tha human race.
-    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -
this yo dull ling josh hing glute max a mess aye n us
tooting ring ding oof a max i mus drake
haint named Bruce
boot ah do like the taste of cous cous
what the deuce
as i goose
whereby bull winkle the moose
n Natasha the squirrel plus otter creatures tink i lack mental juice
er purr haps goot a ***** loose
right duh gray matter of dis knit wit, the "infamous" they noose
sum hmm iz amiss from indigent guy lugged in papoose
cob bulled with whirled wide web
peppered with rotten green tomatoes -
prompting n immediate VAMOOSE
& find my rye ming ting ab
solute zero in chime with zee cuckoo
ready to call doktor demento ore Zeus.
-    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -
thus, this friendship introduction
will mutual ideally nada blow
based on ma unseen essence of body, mind
& soul more so than dough
i.e. money, which tends tubby superficial criteria
viz assess worthiness to flow
toward greater comprehension akin to garden
requires one 2 **** din ***
thus, this common non sloppy joe
maw owl ease keeps tim self i.e. ya know
a contemplative sort & writes ha low
crossing fingers immediate aversion arises,
yet an emphatic "no"
toward me would be taken in stride per this poe
it, whose ability finds comfort within simple pleasures
of life while invisible one that doth row
this creaky human vessel occasionally
calls out for big tow.
-    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -
mebbe as a d liver e purse son
2 supplement social security income
(this disability 4 generalized anxiety)
within me gray matter doth lay.
-    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -
although (mentioned for noah particular rhyme nor reason)

of heterosexual tendencies, my inner sanctum affected

by unkind actions towards those,

who (by choice, genetics, fondness,

or environment) steer clear of the madding crowdsource

who (as a rather skinny diminutive boy - and average emasculating

asia meister wordsmith) experienced constant taunts.

no matter that  me very late mother (who passed away from

ovarian cancer some decade plus two years ago) encouraged me to

give the bullies a WHAT FOR (in that era kids could pummel

without reprisal),  but fear kept me back,

viz the brutish nasty monsters zeroed

on countless vulnerabilities such as being affected with blatant

nasal tone when talking,  extremely shy,

and undersized physique honed - fallacy

sensitivity to others differently abe bulled

or others, who hapt to be fair

game sans being gay or lesbian for instance.
-    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -
can be accurately ascertained, this archetypal nonestablishmentarian
introspective individual attempts to affect exultant image
with words my (ahem) pen ultimate aim.
yet all the while trying
to steer clear enduring wagging virtual finger in blame
neither at this fellow via x 'cept able dame
chance circumstances of existence akin to being frozen
in some space/time paradigms frame
attempting extricating ourselves a lifelong game
which message offered in poem rather lame.
-    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -
email moi, which means
applying cerebral muscles 2 flex
fire off a brief bull a tin

or mebbe u wanna drop me a lion by zoo
per doo purr postal service, si from you.

Okay.

(▒)(♥)(▒) - pose crypt:

death tomb he iz a permanent good bye

though, when me mum passed i only did cry

for about one week - cuz resentment did not die

within me, yet toward me octogenarian widower dad

who during tumultuous prepubescence a fie

re: cold war raged,

which deprived "dad" tune oh his guy

now grown (with two adult daughters) says "hi"

allows emotional connection, cuz - lesson learned late -

need to communicate sentiments today, lest they lie

dormant, and return with a vengeance after grim reaper

doth exuberantly and well nigh

whisk a family member, friend, neighbor...away on the sly

thus - even if the wording nada so perfect, the effort to express

heartfelt feelings well worth a try

thus, every mortal shares this bitter irony of life

forever asking being born only to pass away

(vis a vis via whatever faith) why...?
quaffing caustic acidic ale, a prankster did stage
analogous to raging figurative fire of rage
within my belly – riven asper spinal binding
   ripped from every book marked page

caw zing quite an ache – fiercely teas sing
   (the fire cat) curative panaceas sans
   almond sunset, chamomile, osage
tea, yukon try grabbing with all your might,

   even enlisting Strain gauge
   in tandem
   with a bunch of bootlegged banshees
   freed from their cage

as last resort drafting electric eels,
   shocking quite astute
accompanied by
   Jack and the Giant
beanstalk golems to boot

or tiger (perhaps named Tony,
   mean to the bone, but...oh so cute
who dwells in a tony neighborhood),
   swishing  tail (Nike like),

   and held up ala playing the flute
an unseen hellacious, ferocious,
   or outlandishly jowly, egregious beast,
   who expells offal asphyixiating

   from a moon unit sized Glute
yea, I could also allude
   to some Monty Python flying dragon,
   who gives nada hoot,

somehow remotely controlling to ram into ewe,
   these high speed U-Haul trucks
combine all the above scenario,
   aye know really *****
which gagging induces
   the worst instance of reflux
the sum total would,

   only feebly meet Karma
   credit rating as de luxe
   approximate the onset
   of red hot enflamed ducks
(my apologies to PETA, Paul, Luke...),

   they madly flap wings, yawping beaks,
   vis  a vis on par
   with orange iz the new black
   Wu Tang clan iz the new blacj hush
   que clucks clan –
   Whew...only then

   (after lpaying yee a million bucks
please keep on the que tee i.e. hush)
regarding this soupy poetic fabrication
   bravely bursting buttucks amucks,

thus haint wise to mess wit me
lest cha wanna split high knee
a fate worse than death
   with hen whoops ipsy
daisy excuse em moi
   faux zee pas impairment via this Gypsy.
Understandable dear reader,
     how this scribe bull lime
me bloke omitted mention of
     one bedroom flat as
reason nigh rote this rhyme

Ma faux pas faw axe pseudo dent lee
home hitting minor specific
     detail, minor crime
asper that subject, sans
     inspection against gritty grime,

and issuing citation
     if ***** sundry safety
     transgressions heron hot in Prime  
tip top order, whence
     (looming appointed date

     management undertakes
     requisite edifice complex inspection
     unwittingly doth find
     mine anxiety increasing ferret time
at Highland Manor
     Apartments twill make
their nada so merry go rounds!)

Dum...dum...dum...dum...DUH -
     anxiety shot thru stratosphere upon
     good news notification aboot
a fortnight from this last
     Friday of August tooth

     house sand date teen,
     rankling the body
     electric sans this "FAKE" ole coot
which panic stricken state
     (as iterated above),

     where quiet listening affected
     (with eyes shut wide)
     Mozart's The Magic Flute
hearing such melodic notes
     while lying sue

     pine versus sitting
     upon me comfort
     ably numb glute
if attuned to said renown composer,
     whose name familiar

     'round the world wide web,
     where his person posthumously
     rings up substantial loot,
yet such rambling moot,
when priority must first

     and foremost doth attend,
asper tidying up
     apartment, cuz inspection
     just around the bend
thus also a prayer would be

     appreciated (by this atheist)
     and/or juiced an email friend
e'en keeping limitation,
     i.e. sharing trained,
     unwavering, vaunted, wishing,

     yearning for zesty gerund
forming relationship to
     the maximum reciprocity,
     thee world wide web doth lend
no...no...no...NOT focused

     on anything greater,
     than heartfelt succor, asper
     tear riff hick
     genuine fantastic Earthling
     my darned cruel blimey

     soc erratic angst to mend,
though married, tis
     resplendent dear people
     scattered far and wide
courtesy of the internet,

     one can ride
upon the information
     super highway with pride
minus prejudice and
     trusty Google as guide,
perhaps...even fostering,
     kickstarting, and ushering
     online groom and/or bartered bride.
Decades since frittering like - yule
ne'er believe me, boot true
lee, I wreck clues lee wasted
     my life lock, stock, and barrel
     as if there **** no tomorrow,
     this skein knee boy didst spool
away youth like some drool
ling doggone motley fool

     while mutely dumbfounded taking -
     as undeclared seriously gruel
ling studious favorite pursuit - duel
major space and time, believing
     them tubby (out
     of this world), and cool,
yet unbeknownst tummy then
     more precious than any jewel,

hence this faux Einstein,
     who got pool
lightly dubbed"the quietest
     student", albeit still
     underhandedly cuffed and cruel
moniker, nonetheless wool
worth being spot on,
     though when within comfort

     of home aye
     yak act did mule
lush, non provoke'n, neither tool
ling with smoke'n,
     funny ****, but more specifically
     class (sic) self serving
     as token passive non rule
breaker counted among

     mysterious as Lemuel
     unlike hundreds of
     other rowdy seniors
     constituting the nineteen
     seventy seven graduating class
     of Methacton High School,
this now mooch older non "Warrior"
     (alma mater mascot) alumni -

     of late more astute,
(yea rather boyish looking edging
     into age bracket,
     viz ranked as ole coot)
far to late for
     me or any brute
to gather rose buds,
     fat and/or slim

     chance i.e. remote
     while I may in my dreams
     play Mozart's Magic flute
     at this late stage of life,
     no harvested crop yield,
     nor any sown
     healthy product rendered moot
('cept tantamount to rotten

     tomatoes and fruit)
all, cuz your truly
     did not give a hoot
'bout his future,
     later when the
     requisite need for loot
would be absolutely necessary,
     not necessarily to buy

     a fine gold spun suit,
but more so to be financially
(non bombastically, egotistically,
     nor inimitably) to toot
my own (baritone)
     horn, no any which
     ways appearing snoot
**** (more likely absent minded,

     versus trying tubby astute),
no matter this myopic googly eyed
     non-boastful logophile,
     these days (lives duet
tough lee hand to mouth
     existence) nearly destitute
his whole pro Lix life,
     witnessed, and flaunted

     (reed dit as) inked badge,
     (regardless getting promoted,
     but nearly failing every grade),
     and ambivalent toward
     dismal poor performance report cards
     testament toward tummy
     severely lacking ambition,
     while analogously forced

     to climb hemp fat tick rungs
     jute dish shuss academic ladder,
     no matter rope burns
     squarely didst root
moost unfavorable outcome
     to this wimp who mouthed
     pop eyed expletive
     conveying "oh chute",

     whose then palm (olive)
     oiled pilot size glute
more accurately boot
found me poor *** promoted
     to higher baby boomer chair

     despite favorably portentous signs
     tubby potential vagrant,
     who would lack self reliance,
    nor give a hoot
to stitch survivalist parachute.
Reprieve from damp,
     and rainy, or sultry weather,
     I schlepped a
     light weight Shaker
made folding chair
     out upon Jim Baker
Nabor's green acre
and once enthroned

     as a " FAKE FAKIR"
in rubberized web
     bing (seam ming lee
     lapis lazuli trimmed),
     this body of mine
     lapsed into Quaker
state averse to focus attention,
     gnome hatter eyes fixedly glute

to the pages, sans
     newsworthy printed material,
     to apprise and jute
keeping me astute
with major local and global
     journalistic burning hotspots
     whatsapp pining (the
     most recent issue Newt

about Gingrich commendable
     TIME magazine), boot
with rather light
     breeze tolerably blowing
temperate, moderate air currents
     enveloping this here ole coot,
who aint got Hoot
tee and the Blowfish, nor toot

from no mo' magic flute,
thus by natural
     dint cocked mean
looking head (you figure out
     which one) between
the devil and the
     deep blue seas tureen,
which gaze extended clean

skyward to cerulean vault
populated with strunk
     and white tufts
in stark contrast did lean
in to the verdant rich green
sward abuzz within
     invisible micro ecosystems
niched and stitched by Jean

E. Huss flora Dean
and endearing fauna
     minted quartered gene,
which hubbub of variegated
organisms sound
     accompanied motley crue
     of each scudding soundcloud
shape shifting bill

low whee near weightless
     (cottony ma their) keen
stern preachily mass stir,
     then puff (like
     a magic dragon),
     no more easily seen.
Dum...dum...dum...dum...DUH -
     anxiety shot thru stratosphere upon
     good news notification aboot
a fortnight from this last
     Friday of August tooth

     house sand date teen,
     rankling the body
     electric sans this "FAKE" ole coot
which panic stricken state
     (as iterated above),

     where quiet listening affected
     (with eyes shut wide)
     Mozart's The Magic Flute
hearing such melodic notes
     while lying sue

     pine versus sitting
     upon me comfort
     ably numb glute
if attuned to said renown composer,
     whose name familiar

     'round the world wide web,
     where his person posthumously
     rings up substantial loot,
yet such rambling moot,
when priority must first

     and foremost doth attend,
asper tidying up
     apartment, cuz inspection
     just around the bend
thus also a prayer would be

     appreciated (by this atheist)
     and/or juiced an email friend
e'en keeping limitation,
     i.e. sharing trained,
     unwavering, vaunted, wishing,

     yearning for zesty gerund
forming relationship to
     the maximum reciprocity,
     thee world wide web doth lend
no...no...no...NOT focused

     on anything greater,
     than heartfelt succor, asper
     tear riff hick
     genuine fantastic Earthling
     my darned cruel blimey

     soc erratic angst to mend,
though married, tis
     resplendent dear people
     scattered far and wide
courtesy of the internet,

     one can ride
upon the information
     super highway with pride
minus prejudice and
     trusty Google as guide,
perhaps...even fostering,
     kickstarting, and ushering
     online groom and/or bartered bride.
Dove finch he following iniquitous
     licentious, lecherous longing
     extinguished quite
some years ago,
     when eldest daughter
     stopped being polite
actually she ceased - might
tee angry talking heads

     to this papa for months, whose
     only asks prays foe praise,
     and who doth newt
     wish to ignite
animosity from any beloved fan,
     whose critical judgement
     toward my errant friskiness,
     aye snuffed out light

and accepts dues
     against prickly don'ts,
     and opted to risk broad
     casting general height
full actions, which attestation
     spiritedly burst asunder
     blitzing Lenovo external
     screen within minutes bite

mutt hung lest
     censorious replies pillory
     this sensitive chap
     I merely uncorked
     irrepressible facet
     (asian iron maiden
     strangle choke hold)
     forced these words

     to help give hollow explain
nations of this nada
     so shiny white knight
philanderer (juiced now ***
     ming clean) by night just
     an oon din
     aery in Das scribe
     bubble during -

     the day until...zee...
wife found me absent - yee
(ping, and sowing, thee
rather desiccated oats)
     celibacy playing tree
men dose impetus,
     viz midlife crisis spree
from sleeping quarters re:

at 724 West Rail
     road Avenue, pre
planned within
     the basement nee
tricked out as cellar quasi
     pent house suite for me
comfortable sleep
     ping accommodations,

     pleasing this wander
     lusting NON GMO lee
burr teen, sans mat,
     (and also Scottish Matt)
     tress atop boxspring key
ping stockpiles of prurient frilly
     laced female lingerie, je
nais se quois, no matter

     escapade usual lee
took place in pitch black dark
     accouterments singularly, solely,
     and strictly necessitated,
     arousing, coaxing, and
     exciting libido asper
     one barenaked lady for
     yours truly, whereat

     aye do blatantly
     confess flute'n glute'n guilt free
     to concocting, hat
     ching, and orchestrating
     profligate secrete

     rendezvous aspirations
     toward sordid man of la
     cherry munch ching Lothario
     (a combination Casanova,
     Don Juan) wannabe.
Akin to a journalist (hoofing
NOT huffing on the beat)
heedful, mindful, and pain fully aware, bleat
me, asper caveats help me set sights
tacking within parameters of lawfulness,

when questing without sparking browbeat
upon my person, or worse...proceeding toward
said abstract destination until...
impossible mission complete
for verity from figurative horse's

mouth without defeat
******* this astute brute, destitute, flute glute
hirste human institute irresolute
kickstarting little feet
essentially persevering acquiring,

amassing, and adducing
for instance enlightening
fierce interest how greet
American foreign policy
provokes bristling heat

particularly sinking cerebral teeth
into tomes written by Jeffrey Sachs
(one of the world's leading experts on
economic development,
and the fight against poverty) racks

up with unassuming dignity, grace, integrity,
and prestige in my book -
for birds that quacks
without question, his expertise packs
a punch (Judy be careful),

he earns accolade to the max
factor, and rightly so, asper one of the world's
leading experts on economic development, and lax
global fight against poverty,
yet also in mine reading material canon includes:

TIME Magazine, The Nation, and now imagine klax
on (trumpeting) for Mother Jones, a six month
subscription bringing to alight me to do jumping jacks
(no doubt you remember those vigorous movements),
but tactics to expand learning I put in Italics

if only to maintain alternate rhyming pattern,
which tenebrous, superfluous,
and ridiculous poetic hacks
meant add a little playfulness,
solely intending to bloom forth

with illusory "NOT FAKE) flax
seeding, an ongoing inquisitiveness maybe last
ting influence to ferret out
off the beaten track less broadcast
revelations, since this apt cast

off firmly believes the educated people denied
knowing how government (namely
military industrial complex) past
(and of course present) involvement blast
ting away innocent lives, and/or funding

subversive activity most likely fast
intervening across the real world wide web
to coerce, force, and source vast
suppression jeopardizing United States economy.
While yours truly sat here
at the desk housing MacBook Pro,
pondering his next idée fixe apropos
for gamut of anonymous readers,
he unexpectedly, noisily and effectually
exploded out rear end;
perhaps ye heard or felt
the ground beneath your feet tremble;
the missus didst not stir in her sleep
yesterday (May 29th, 2023)
when my troubles
seemed so far away.

Jog me memory I did
with a little help figuratively
nabbed, pilfering, ransacking, et cetera
compilation of previously written poems
which involved scrolling thru
screen after screen of feeble attempts
to craft some stellar literary creation.

Worm I going with this line?

Just by a fluke,
I came across a scenario
where humorous embellishment
will (clear as water) diminish credence,
but slight fabrication will help revival
encompassing an outing with then girlfriend,
who eventually became the missus.

Upon the first date (mucho decades ago)
not quite two score
and three and a half years ago
with the gal, whose troth
aye did pledge allegiance to wed
(anniversary inching itsy bitsy
spider like up to
seven and twenty earth orbitz),
we agreed to dine
at an avante garde Tex-Mex eatery

in North Wales, Pennsylvania,
where angels feared to tread
carefully scrutinizing bon appétit
the menu selection,
a touch of Latin lick QED
all American version sans
south of the border cuisine –
Quod Erat Demonstrandum –
translations spit out
in rapid fire Hispanic

by a beady eyed
pierced and inked kid named Ned,
whose couture favored a punkish style
with spiky gelled green hair,
piercings galore and necklace
with a genetically modified
sizable entombed glassy pricey jewelry
encased insect in amber lead,
which beastly fully intact organism
with a miniature grizzly bear like head
momentarily hypnotizing me

pray tell, yours truly nudged himself
out of trance sans this egghead
who made a selection
by randomly landing finger
on an item feigning to be well bred
unbeknownst choice promised
concussive radioactive fallout
squelched with utmost difficulty
nearly impossible mission
to avoid loosing buttuck blast

if belched out the posterior;
**** would have catapulted,
delivered fatalistic deafening roar
wreaking havoc to life and limb
costing countless lives
regarding innocent restaurant patrons,
whose arbitrary choice
to partake of their repast
at aforementioned *****
unnamed restaurant analogous
ending with tragicomic farce.

After this Señor ingested
an ample number of mouthfuls
of beans and rice
that quelled most severe hunger pangs
mine lower gastrointestinal tract,
felt a bubbling and gurgling sensation
played through impropriety struggled
with gaseous mounting perturbations,
what promised to be hot malodorous,
would induce an air raid

from this “wind bag,”
(whose puckered, preserved, pickled, et cetera
and stinky namesake
occupies a place
at the Mutter Museum,
whose saving grace erroneously divine),
when wallet of suede discover herd
visa vis tubby devoid of cash,
thus convenient excuse to beat
the tirade of volcanic eruption
on the cusp of belching forth
found me bolting out the restaurant door
fortunately not waylaid

and madly dashing
(like some fiery comet dancer)
performing a cheeky number
hopping on one foot than the other –
since forceful blast triggered kidneys
to be tapped, thus prancer two step
extemporaneously incorporated
while awaiting available ATM
only to espy debit printout slip
inadequate funds available
zero balance in checking account.

While expulsion of noxious fumes
from thine sphincter courtesy  
brought relief as aye nonchalantly
prior to strolling inside cozy diner,
and slipped into me seat disinclined
to relate eave vents to future spouse,
the ****** aeration and stream of *****
(freed to water secluded copse)
from me magic flute which,
amazingly synchronized
with the Maximus glute
after consuming food
triggered ***** to toot.

Nevertheless, shortfall of legal tender
unfortunately and subsequently found
yours truly shackled,
impressed, forced, et cetera
as dishwashing galley slave
dashed mine coveted
bowed need for highstrung Cupid
annihilating, detonating,
hexing, et cetera
opportunistic spell
to don and trumpet myself
as artful dashing romancer.
strewn into a bajillion little pieces

Unexpected largesse
yours truly patiently waits,
a metaphor of my dire financial straits
courtesy papa's unsuspecting muse
the missus, this wordsmith notates
unwittingly linkedin to his misfortune,
a situation he hates,
especially, an unavoidable crisis,
whereby passage of time abates
negligible onus of penury.

Soon after surrendering
(viz laundering) cash to bitcoin
immediately realized sinister trap
scammer prepared me to enjoin
egregious outcome surpassing
severe case of acne
treatment courtesy isotretinoin.

My ordinarily clear complexion turned wan
imprecation triggered suicidal ideation
overdosing on medication
escape from absolute zero
vanished capital pennilessness *******
welcoming self induced mortality did spawn.

Though weeks elapsed
since scammer
(smoked top of line cigars,
and/or quaffed vintage
amber liquid of the gods
signaling snagging a poor sucker)
made out like a bandit,
the squandered money
I still bemoan,

a grown man doth still groan
moroseness seeps
within his lovely bones
witnessing him curling
into fetal position versus lying prone
forever and anon envisioning himself
cast into the outer limits
of the twilight zone.

As a fool hardy way
to assuage loss,
where illusions of grandeur stray,
I regularly purchase lottery tickets
either Mega Million or Powerball
imagining being the lucky winner
then livingsocial
as a bachelor farmer in Norway

chomping down a delicious plateful
of powder milk biscuits
after countless hours pitching hay
while custom made robot named Barbie
adeptly programmed to prepare
Lefse, Krumkake, Lutefisk,
and Raspeball/Komle/Klubb,
she also doubles up as the abbé
of my fortress domicile.

Ha... an overactive imagination to boot
healthy escape from the maws of destitution
nevertheless, one old baby boomer coot,
who can prevaricate
knowing full well nobody
(especially the folks
from Lake Wobegon) cannot dispute
these marvelous turns of phrases I execute
while listening to The Magic Flute
an opera in two acts
by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
to a German libretto

by Emanuel Schikaneder
and of course after wolfing down
Norwegian cuisine listed above,
I will need (sorry to be cheeky) exercise
thy well endowed glute
(short for gluteus muscles)
a group of muscles
that make up the buttock area,
which group consists
of the gluteus maximus,
gluteus medius, and gluteus minimus.
The following doth constitute
combination of fact and fiction
unfortunately not sentences
referencing overactive spousal glute
though sphincter roaring
could muscle us into ample loot
(after wife explodes open bank vault)
versus *** spire ring writer root
ting to live nsync ecologically
viz hypothetical analogous member
of indigenous people named Yakut
living in scattered settlements in northern Siberia.

Impossible mission to clear space on the bed,
when yours truly feels dead
tired, nothing does magic trick
than position fathead
of mine (me noggin actually small and roundish)
with brow emblematic of being highbred,
cuz sleeping quarters
overrun By Teddy Bears And Beanie Babies.

Twas the bright idea of zee missus aye air
and I dedicate this poem
yes tis correct, if you bare
lee remember this mister
did formerly she-push-lee duck clear
addressed said spouse
"my little buttock blaster” endear

ring pet name applied for obvious reasons,
(her posterior end pulsates with putrid plume),
and before she begat two 'ere
rip press ably lovely daughters),
anyway thee wife I fear
to publicize contracted a benign
strain sans incurable glare

ring house cleaning malady,
(thus far no unpronounceable hair
raising name affixed
to non contagious ill, nonetheless
accursed conditioned fanatically
jumpstarting organizing unkempt apartment,
whereby to keep tear filling
misery drowning ocean
of sorrows distant at bay,
scrubbing stubborn stains
from clothes, dishes,
and gamut of hibernating
Ursine horde (née motley crue)

that come breathing alive
Nsync with Beastie Boys bay
sic City Rollers Culture Clubbing babes
upon first spring day
engrossed in this, that,
or some other sweeping floor foray
(analogously to Velveteen Rabbit)
shedding matted "faux" fur gray
winter coat when warmer temperatures arrive,
where humongous fur clumps would lay
comprising sudden empty raft

of shelf space minus a may
zing globules, oh...lemme get on track,
regarding poetic melee,
whence frenzied fever "cleaning bug" née
major virus afflicting wife,
would necessitate impossible task
whereby strapping former
feisty Norwegian farm gal
in straight jacket indeed livingsocial

would be no game to play
boot tiring and cruel task of her life Yukon say
24/7 daily challenge devious skullduggery
Smokey and the Bandits
an imp posse sub bill
outlaw gang, who lived like
Aristo curr Rats along the quay,
which unpredictable time frame

thine remaining lifetime sans wife oy vey
would frank lee zap
every last oomph of mine
if able twin door remaining with spouse,
meanwhile 'till she obliviously
plucks persistent sprouting
stranded silver follicle
tiller broad forehead resembles
a minuscule tarmac way.
Yours truly quite astute,
especially regarding cute
little field mice, also known
as meadow voles,
which imprecation one doth emote,
when aforementioned animal burrows inside
leaving pellet size **** in their wake
suddenly presenting a pain in the glute.

Analogous to swiss cheese
fecklessness riddled **** sapien
writer, whom he himself
cannot Provolone equality
for Mus musculus to live,
exception viz one named Stuart Little
as equal among indomitable realm
dominated by bipedal hominids
said species arrogated
since time immemorial
self superior holier than thou tenet
and dictum governing hegemony
across webbed wide world,

which supposed word of creator
conveniently got interpreted to mean;
"Be fertile and multiply;
fill the earth and subdue
every square inch courtesy
trappings of western civilizations,
henceforth since the dawn
of consciousness, when primates
such as Sahelanthropus tchadensis,
**** habilis, **** erectus,
and **** heidelbergensis evolved
to slowly but surely

wield dominion over
the fish of the sea,
the birds of the air,
and all living things
that move on the earth,”
their subsequent descendents relegated
every creature deemed inferior
and thus (no pun intended)
fair game across proverbial
eminent domain, thus justified,
ordained, usurped, et cetera
courtesy manifest destiny,
particularly mostly aborigines.

Against bullet proof credo, ethos,
and genuine holistic integrity
to respond to such an event
as Minnie's or Mickey's, no matter
an ohm my cat reluctance arises
to don and trumpet role as "killer"
tis with only the means and ways
to avoid health crisis that I
hesitantly didst exterminate existence
of other critters decried as pestilential

so please no unsolicited
mouse a lean knee black barbs
against this august gent
tis a marvel to evince the behaviour
of rapaciousness, when nary a hint
extant within me - except,
at a crossroads arises
when vermin take residence
as per mentioned earlier
as an unpaid inhabitant,

this one mortal married male loathes
to distribute deathly lethal instrument
innocuous morsels of D-CON
doth not make me feel jubilant
this chap doth newt believe
dangerous buggars ought
be be consigned with tender loving care
but certainly less cruel fate
versus getting lethally euthanized,
eradicated and essentially

charged with heinous crime
such as ****** committed by a litigant
slapped unfairly suffer being poisoned
imposing forfeiture reprisal
tomb the tinker-bell tolls
visa vis a role in the realm
within flora and fauna not meant
for humans decreeing vermin
lack purposelessness,
and must be exterminated

to own rights qua life, liberty
and the pursuit of happiness
quietly when staking out an alcove,
cupboard, or mauve wainscoting
reproduction of discriminated,
hashtagged, and targeted mammals
would nonchalantly find safe haven
exiting man made confines if left
to their biological devices,
this millennial saga of mice and men

perhaps Noah occident,
and no matter what means
one approaches pursuant
to rid the house of mice,
these creatures reboot toxic tolerance
to incorporate schemes
quite innovative within floorboards,
deep chambers viz hitting
expansive domestic quadrant
this Brie zee, cream cheesy,

though temporarily dislodged per demise,
the recurrent adaptation reverberant
and stupefy supreme survival skill re:
by a modus operandi
with adaptive qualities salient
ta dum me little nimble,
opal and quizzical rodents
lacking redolence tubby mammals,
though their existence
and devil's blue diet tribe curd dish rant

might be diametrically opposed
to American ethics committee, who slant
the bald (also balled), bold,
and brazen cordon bleu appearance
analogous to a vagrant, unrepentant truant
sans more than one little
furry Muenster of scurrying critters
spur this heir force deputy
issues a poisoned search warrant.
Might help explain how fruit
full this harmless poetic brute,
(a Methacton School of hard knocks
grad), who sports astute
demeanor with ample
brew netted locks,
vaguely androgynously cute,

his trademark signature hirsute
unstyled wavy hair
tell tale characteristic,
not that I care if anyone
gives rats *** and/or hoot
****** attire acceptable since
long unemployed and

recipient with meager loot
receiving social security
disability to boot,
nonetheless can while
away unlimited numbers
of wee hours into morning
yea ideally best time to sleep,

but also most optimal,
while the missus thrashes
in bed thankfully mute
unless ya don't count
flatulence she doth toot
disrupting and derailing
train of thought
courtesy trumpeting glute.

An unexpected whistling
unlike Christopher Robin
hi **... hi ** exiting
their wooded den
(think Snow White and
her seven dwarf men)
off to work they go to earn cents

(unbeknownst conversion into) yen
boot just enough to undergo
gastric bypass surgery
to shrink abdomen,
plus grueling boot camp regimen
guaranteeing bullseye

hit courtesy artillerymen
nsync with honing
sharp eyed acumen
joining (rather leading) civilians
carrying out coup d’etat
putsch ching aside feeble,
inept and lame

president to step up
and augment pen
ultimate last ditch effort
to halt climate change
to stave turning planet Earth
into self destructive oven.

All joking aside horrific,
née apocalyptic crisis doth loom
perhaps even unleashing mushroom,
clouds (thrown in for good measure)
encompassing entire planet
assuredly spelling doom,
where liquidation and fire sale
at all brick and mortar
stores will bloom,

(just ash at the front desk)
charcoal burnt offering skeleton crew
pointing blackened decker
index finger boom
meringue literally every black
Friday, Saturday, Sunday...
until every tomb
morrow until end of time.
This is Spinal tap
bamboozling, binding, bleeding, bombing...
ripped from every dog eared
and book marked page
recounting latest ill fated fiasco,
now peppering my life and hard times
causing quite an ache – fiercely teasing
(the fire cat) curative panaceas  
sans almond sunset, chamomile,
Osage Tea for the Tillerman.

I tell myself Yukon try
grabbing at straws
with all your might to no avail
even enlisting Strain gauge
in tandem donning
common cents equipage
with a bunch of bootlegged banshees
freed from their cage
and as last ditch resort
drafting electric eels.

Yours truly as shock absorber quite astute
accompanied by Jack and the Giant
beanstalk golems to boot
or lion eye zing tiger
(perhaps named Tony,
mean to the bone, but...oh so cute,
who dwells in a tony neighborhood),
swishing (Nike like) tail,
and held up ala playing the flute
an unseen hellacious, ferocious, atrocious

or outlandishly jowly, egregious beast,
who expelled offal asphyxiating
noxious, odious, pernicious, et cetra odor
from a moon unit sized Glute
yea, I could also allude
to some Monty Python flying dragon,
who gives nada hoot,
somehow remotely controlling
any errant cyber wayfaring day tripper
simultaneously while droning
sheepishly not to ram into ewe.

These high speed U-Haul trucks
combine all the above scenario,
to glean mental state of mine
aye know really *****,
which gagging induces
the worst instance of reflux
making little rheum for ordinarily
phlegmatic ** hum (what me worry
Alfred E. Neuman
persona non grata) guy.

Sum total of available funds
(since being defrauded to the hilt)
to qualify for credit card,
would only feebly meet Karma
credit rating as risky business
approximating the quacking
of red hot inflamed ducks
(my apologies to PETA, Paul, Luke...),
they madly flap wings, yawping beaks,
visa vis masterfully discovered on par
with orange iz the new black
evidenced courtesy Wu Tang clan  
in no way, shape, nor form
unrelated to que clucks clan.

Whew...only then
(after reviewing the situation)
panoply of mystical elements of breath aired
per millennia times two resonated
veritable pantheon of superstitions
fired imagination as catalyst
viz **** sapiens forehead
tugging simian beard,
whence bygone agents provocateurs
fueled tens of previous generations
bred Manichaeism credo,
a nebulous ethos sans early humanity
vetted dual chaired

spirit world wide web populated
with ******* Roman sol invictus
wrought fiery brimstone who dared
assert antiestablishmentarian dogma
got hounded to whit; the bowels
of hellish firmament most
and/or many feared,
they would be pitched headlong
into said purported fiendish furnace,
thus particular obeisance payed
to morays; any voracious
marine coastal eel of the family Muraenidae,
esp Muraena helena, marked
with brilliant patterns and colours.

— The End —