revisited January 23rd, 2024
on the evening before yours truly
(the one and only Matthew Scott Harris),
a stand up comic wannabe, who
historically heartily hales
from Schwenksville, Pennsylvania
undergoes oh joy rapture colonoscopy.

Three days before that first appointment
with estimable gastroenterologist
Doctor Kellen Karl Kovalovich
regarding upcoming procedure
scheduled for August 17th, 2022),
unfortunately yielded inconclusive results
meaning the excretory material
not satisfactorily expelled.

Though necessary to swallow
four Dulcolax laxative tablets,
plus additionally quaff half
238 gram bottle of Miralax
over span of eight hours,
and if necessary
even apply one Fleets
(or store brand) Enema.

Ideally Vaseline ought be applied
to the enema tip to avoid abrading
sensitive skin surfaces.

The missus located lubricating fluid
she purchased Trojan lubricants
Continuance Essence at Adult World
when a clearance sale
at said store took place.

As a more effective modus operandi
aforenamed said specialist
strongly advised taking Su-prep
in place of Miralax, which  
two step process already begun
earlier today, which
date mentioned in first line.

I grudgingly accept short lived
lower abdominal discomfort
linkedin with gushing watery stools
analogous to reasonable and tolerable
assault upon me derriere
considerably less severe than shigella
tube be worth knowing
nada worry colon cancer
would pose grave threat.

I remembered first colonoscopy
specialist named Larry Borowsky
located 525 Jamestown Ave. #101,
Philadelphia, PA 19128
(challenged courtesy hearing difficulty,
hence he wore an auditory device)
treated me some half dozen plus years ago,
yours truly didst solidly waste,
rather subsequently spent
a few hours writing, toil letting,
and crafting the following bupkis
slightly modified to correspond
with present modus operandi treatment.

Ask any devotee  
of above named gastroenterologists
officious military licensed cheeky knucklers,
ne’er kissed gluteus maximus,
they soldiered thru medical school
despite getting pooped out
rigorous regimen now both know
vital details regarding bowels of human
excretory system, which iz alimentary
and familiar flickering

sleight of hand linkedin
quicken wrist zooms into grab bag
of medicinal tricks - mimics
waving magic wand bitta bang
prestidigitation abracadabra
of **** scope brings – dang
gustatory scenic aerated holy smoker
of a ******, a wasteland fang
less, but the backside seat,
where ****** berries

and/or polyps sometimes hang,
whence undergoing this
behind the scenes procedure
where smelly silent sonnets
from sphincter sprang
most times flatulence
relieved in private place
but, post-op probe
forced air into buttucks,  
thus encourage patients

to aerate sterile space
otherwise known as passing gas
scrutinized faces elicit embarrassment
of elderly folks,
who feel self conscious farting in public
before departing from human race,
rearing specialist unheralded doctors
relieves anguish without a trace
which gratitude spurred
****** attempt to compose verse

to express appreciation
clean bill of health and disperse
anticipatory anxiety, this pooper trooper
endured with pseudo “nurse”
actually mine wife, who nudged me
to undergo examination
lest she bare witness
becoming a widow
following mine hearse
if hypothetical demise did pass,

deceased would hear loud curse
analogous to unstoppable enema,
(brought out from downed colyte
consumed for first colonoscopy)
expletives interspersed with my name
exhibiting master card
shark cunning never forgiving
nor forgetting how we happened
to be broke nearly the entire
coup d’état of marriage –  

reaching cheeky **** pinching
catatonic state die n rapport,
this generic guy saved
from premature death viz ace sing  
examination positive outcome tantamount
with flying colors – at least now,
our two grown darling daughters can
(in ****** dooby doo doo time), perhaps
if/when they beget
their own children witness longevity

courtesy of exemplary doctors
Kellen Karl Kovalovich,
and/or Larry Borowsky,
whose honed trained hands and eyes
adept to scout out and ticket
suspicious cellular demons,
aim of innocuous microbes
to destroy e pluribus unum alone!

A memory came

Of many years ago.

I must have been in

Class 7 or 8.

I was lying in bed

In the ancestral home at Changanacherry,

Had come there from Kolkata

for my summer vacation.

In the next room,

My mother and several sisters-in-law

Were chatting.

About their children

The chatter woke me up.

My mother said, “My son is quiet and well-behaved.”

Another woman said, “My son is the opposite.
Restless and mischievous.”

The other mothers joined in.

Talking about their daughters and sons.  

Today, when I remember this,

I think to myself,

From the time we are born,

Till the day we die

And even after,

People are always evaluating you.

First, it is our parents,

Then our siblings, friends and relatives.

Teachers and classmates.

This carries on

In college,

Professors and fellow students,

The University Board

All measuring your performance,

Ready to congratulate or condemn you

When you go to work.

Bosses, colleagues, subordinates,

The management

All assessing your work,

And your character

From morning to night.

And now since it is work from home,

From night to morning, too.

In the meantime,

Your wife and children

Are also evaluating you.

In this pandemic world,

They think: does the old man have the cash

To meet our expenses?  

You go to the hospital,

The doctor evaluates you

Not to forget,

At different times,

The dentist, the ophthalmologist,

The dermatologist,

The gastroenterologist

The cardiologist.

Depending on which part has broken down.

You feel like screaming

God, is there a single moment when I am

Not being assessed.

God is the wrong person to ask.  

Because He is the master of

The appraisal.

When you die, he is busy peering into your soul.

Is he a good or a bad guy?

Should I send him to heaven or hell?

And then you resign yourself

To the fact.

The appraisal will never stop.

And when there is an unnatural death,

Then it is the turn of

Human beings to cut open your body

And poke about,

Looking for this and that.

A post-mortem.

Ha, ha, no respite at all!