.
                                    Fu
                              u    ck      c
                            c      Fu         k
                          k       c    k         F
                         F       F     u         u
                         u       c      k         c
                          c        F   u         k
                           k        c k          F
                             F       F        u
                                u    u     c
                                     c k

The first one this week is named Carlos,
he's tall and handsome and twice my age
He's got tan skin with all the hair burned off
his arms from sunlight sand and surf
He likes to call me "*******"

The second one this week is named Charlie,
he's married and chubby and masochistic
He's got a sunglass tan and three different cars
He likes to call me "baby"

The third one this week is named Ryan,
I think
He's tall I'm tall we were in his car our heads bumped
several times
He video taped the entire thing from three different angles
He likes to call me "***** *****"

Fingers stained black.
Careless.
Spine bent like the railing
after the crash. Bent hard.

You're not even solid ground.
You're a whisper in the air.
Everything that
vibrates
has a pitch.

Everybody's muse.
Everyone's *******.
Plastic-like.
Flimsy.

All the switches
are off.

Don't you dare patronize me.
I'm not your stupid little ******* anymore.
You no longer have any claim to my mind or body.
I will never yield to you again.
My intelligence will not be questioned by you.
*******.
******* and your stupid games.
You made me question myself over and over again.
No longer.
No longer will I ever let anyone make me question myself.
I am resolute and firm in my beliefs.
And I believe, NO I know that I am more intelligent than you ever let me know.
You were poison running through my veins.
So I had to open a vein to purge you from my body.
That is why, as I lie dying, I blame you but know I am responsible.

My emotions got the best of me.
of course you don't love me back
You just thought it would be "fun"

Cause it's so much fun to make someone fall in love with you
Only to rip it out of their chest

And leave them bleeding on the floor.

And I'm sick of others leaving me bleeding on the floor.

So I took it into my own hands.
I'm the one who made the ****
so deep it's seeping through the bandaid.

Are you having fun now?

I'm not. I'm racking my brain,
Asking myself why I'm not good enough for you-
Or anyone else.
I'm just a *******.
I'm just a ******* toy

You'll be curious about me,
Pick me up and play with me,
Until you find a flaw
Then you'll leave me in the back of your mind
You grew bored of me
You got what you wanted

so now I'm the one
Making myself bleed

So much for being "clean" for two months.
I threw that away.
Just like you threw me away.

I thought everything was better
I thought I was better

But you proved me to be
*so **** wrong...