I apologize for what I'm about to say
if you're sensitive to language, I speak not with the intention to do harm
but to reflect pain.
Heavybag's fallen
knuckles only started to trickle with blood,
my new self-flagellation ritual interrupted
coitus, denied, the penultimate inspiration served
with every swing a flash of the past invoked
in my borderline personality crossing rage
bipolar seeming on a stable day, and I see
the nervous breakdown, these teachers
sanctuary for you, to me they say
**** yourself ******
hey, come over here and deal with this
dismissively
I keep my head down, a higher dose the next day
apathy, numb to stigmas, stigmata on my soul
martyrdom they beg of me
an inconvenience and how timely, they jokingly
say go on Tom, shoot up the school
**** yourself, you fat ******* ******
you *******, ******,
**** yourself ******,
I've been called that more times than my own name
by a long shot
all I ever wanted was to do what I was there for
then to not be there anymore
and I used to salivate as early as middle or intermediate school
at jumping off the roof, but I realized that it was too short a drop
so I recalculated, I decided on a ripcord, the train
**** yourself ******, if I do, that'd have been how I did
and I defied everyone by clinging to the only thing they couldn't take
they couldn't violate
and they did take and violate, they robbed my home,
I was beaten, *****, I keep it all bottled up
I couldn't tell anyone because all they'd say if they knew a boy ****** me was
**** yourself ******
so, I let him **** me several more times until I snapped
a tree branch over his throat
so, I clung to breath out of spite for all of them
and as soon as I could I committed their faces and names
to an infinite pit, I granted myself the greatest mercy of all
I let myself forget
Teachers never looked twice, if they did it was like
watching daytime television
no lesson plans, no structure, I remember them
sneering at me for being there, for being called names in their classroom
for being nervous, overweight, clumsy and awkward, uncomfortable
and scared, and then being mad at me when I skirted truancy laws
CPS, investigating me after my dad stopped beating me, when
I could've named a dozen houses where kids were still getting beat
and the **** cook's grandson who showed up late from the lab
and the drunks who showed up with the flasks, the rednecks with the tobacco dip ring in their pockets
I was so ****** on an overdosage of poison that it damaged my liver and I had to stop it
but that didn't change the reality I was supposed to ignore, I still saw it
in hindsight, I wish I was blinded, then I might have turned out alright
I know they'd probably just have led me to the tracks and left me there to **** myself
assisted suicide for the outsider, moved into town before they put up the first stoplight
but, sure, teachers do their job, if that means they said, just sit down shut up
watch a movie, play on your phone if you got one, do this quiz so I can say you did something
read a textbook, I don't give a ****, I'm gonna be over here and if you interrupt
**** yourself *******,
that's how it was, I never questioned it, because it always was like that
I never asked how it was elsewhere, I didn't think I'd live past 17
or past 18, or 21, or 25 or 27 so I'm really in uncharted waters now I'm almost 29
and no codependent relationship for me to abuse, just drugs
I talk to you
and you might think that means you, it doesn't
it means the paper, me and you
we've got our own thing, I don't need anybody else
this is what got me through
my first and only love, the thing that I lassoed my heart and identity to
that nobody else can take credit for giving me, I found it myself
dug it out of my skin and bone and muscle and sinew
and cultivated my own interests in it, forged every fiber of growth
over every year, every second every minute, I took the energy burning me up
every time I saw disdain, dismissive, disrespectful, belittling, hatred and inconvenience in someone's eyes
impatience for my still being here, still being alive, and I turned that into notebooks full of chicken scratch handwriting
my learning disabled hands could manage it, nobody gets to own this, not one lethargic **** teacher who didn't raise a finger to the board
when the kid whose dad owned the car dealership was running me down, or the football team, or the cheerleader was threatening to **** me
but when someone claimed the same on my name they sent me to the office and I had to sit there, knowing it was useless to protest
I did my ******* best, I never let these people make me violent,
when they wanted the worst of me, I wrote it down,
defied them to fight me, stayed silent and turned every
**** yourself ****** into a story, a poem, an idea, anything creative, just anything that was something
more than that repulsive reaction, get over yourself *******
I'll die when I'm good and ******* ready
Bag fell off, gloves off,
barely a trickle of blood,
barely a tickle
no air circulating, stagnant and stale in this summer heat
there's nothing on the table, but the dog could eat
hand yourself a victory, hand over fist pat on the back
and at this address leave defeat
I don't care, who wants what if anything
what you think, I don't want to know
just keep it to yourself, I don't care
just leave me alone, goodbye touring these last few walks
shaking fingers tenderly touch memory lane, caress the stalks
and with each punch I've thrown, exertion grunt and groan
I let spit fly through my teeth, a rabid dog beneath
biting, reminding, flashes, each landing blow, **** yourself
rooftop, train, pills, parking garage, gun
I hit him harder, harder and harder
tail between his legs, his carcass is thrown
standing, heaving, desperate fear, anger quivering in my eyes
I snap and snarl at this specter of myself, to just leave me alone
you don't have to be gone,
just be quiet, god help me, just shut your barking mouth
stomping the throat of this animal expelled,
I fall back into myself, an escalated conflict of spirit
elevated into frenzied panic, the need to hurt
without reason, I delve, don't make me remember
I seal them away, superstitious of their nameless, faceless
demonic hold, in jars in my head, these mentors, these helpers
teachers, there is hardly a worse word
I want to go away
to a quiet place
I want to become a quiet place
where I can let go of all the noise
and be quite okay
life does not excite me
I do not anticipate it
if all my life were writing, then maybe
but living alone is a task greater than this
and I do not know what I want, but more
more than the peace I've seen this can offer
so I search, in other places, finding myself
right
back
here
I want to be content, at peace
and so I write, I feed my spirit, body, heart and mind
but I am given to darkness, foreboding ominous evil
acts of malice and treachery, betrayal of the most intimate trust
and even the best efforts to keep myself leashed only serve as a noose to me
so I try to distance people, and isolate with the best intentions, finding myself
right
back
here
and sooner than later I will complete this tour,
say goodbye, this confessional, it is not poetry,
you do not understand that it is, expression is
and you can do it, let your red setter loose with wandering ennui
speak your displeasure with today, rewrite history, in your closing set
circle back around like those teardrop vultures over the mausoleum gallery
and come back to me, for I will be
write
back
here.
write
please read and enjoy
strong language warning