I never been on

Verses & Flow or Poetry Slam

don't get me wrong

I'd love to be

but me sharing like that on "mic"

scares the ******* life outta me

yet I admit

I want to in fact would love it

But right now-

I can only tell you how I feel
&
this is how I let **** out

express me&sometimes; let you in

so this is a poem I've made about this dude.

A dude whose comforting and new

a dude whose lenient

and beautiful inward & outward.

He talks to me of so many thing

and he has a mind that speak more

volume then money....

I've been know to deal with them  baller's

those who'd spend on me-

the moment I call em.

He's gentle and kind,

mindful of me & my needs

even

funny even at times

when he's joking round with me.

He lights my way and makes me see

not of everything physical,or ****** either

but of inspiring dreams

for me to do better

than what I've been told I could barely achieve

from listening to past assaults

and dead weighted-ended relationships...

To opening the ******* door

& letting me just be ME....

My hair weaves

he complimented

and my braiding techniques too

from my beautiful big lips

plus this luscious **** hours glass phat *** shape

he says baby your amazing

then kisses my forehead

like Taye Diggs did in both The Best Man movies.

When he touched my breast- not in a ****** way

I felt finally safe-

cuz I asked did you feel the lump there

he kisses me on my cheek

tells me it's ok even if my hair falls out

and all my weaves went away,

he's seen me without em,

seen me with out makeup too.

No need to worry since there isn't even a lump,

so he says & I smile widely.

but if it was I'd still be the most beautiful

this he promises me

and looks me right in my eyes.

This dude says he watched me sleep

sometimes until the early morn

and looked at me like I've never

looked at myself.

Mind you I know I'm fine

but barely was I ever able to know my wealth,

to even ******* know myself worth

or who I really was.

Sadly so beautiful but yet I'm so tainted & insecure

He's seen this about me long ago

yet I thought before him-

that love had to hurt

that the pain I've caused me-

from dealing with other types of "love"

from dudes due their share was somehow real

Other dude's who'd spend

and who'd **** me deep & put my *** to sleep

was what love meant

this "love" I was so used to-

was pose to be fist knocking back my head

eyes black in their sockets,

clothes ripped off

and me being slammed to the ground ******

and left bleeding

Left, deserted, abandon

and me sore bruised-

from ever part of me

cops coming once a month

or when he ****** his boss & I went the *******.

Or love was him- telling ole girl in Chi Town

how much he couldn't live with out her

while sitting on the toilet in my house-

in my bathroom after ******* me

and calling it making love.

Or love was pose to be in my head

when he let his cousin get away with ****** me-

yet I was the who got her *** beat.

I thought from

the age of 6

that I was pose to lay there

just spread wide for you

and let you use me

pinch

poke and rule me!

I didn't know this kind of man

so every time dude came around-

I'd chase him away.

telling him

NAW man I don't date white boi

(that's slang for boy)

but
I've dated the Italian and he liked them easy women

the ones he could change and manipulate

I've dated the Natives born of this "America" land

he showed me what my mother tried to hide-

like a drunkard father beating her at night

this was the Native

who wasn't taught how to eve3r be a man

Then there was Paul-

a mixed up race/breed Native too-

Apache yet Mexican and yet American

in New Mexico they're called Chicano's

so guess that what the **** he was

he had the short man complex

and couldn't bother to talk

he thought *** would be pleasurable

but sadly for me & him

his baby toddler *****

just didn't do the trick.

So hurting worded voices loudly spoke

caused me abuse,

I guess it's still my fault-

I allowed them to hurt me.

The smooth talker,

Casanova,

The Ballers,

The players with the nice whips

(That means cars y'all)

The man who could **** out my mind & my brains

get my ***** wet before he even got to my house

The Mr. Fix it-

whose good at fixing ****

but not for being committed

cuz his check wasn't enough to even put a dent in my rent

and his habit of scathing his *****

and calling me ***** just didn't work.

So these are them type motha fuckas

I'm used to-

like ole boy

who'd carry my books

and help me with all my assignments in college

for a peek yet talk and brag about the *** he hadn't ever hit

not me but that's the story he told

lying since his reputation depended on it.

Sorry but this was my thinking this was how it went

& how it was meant or pose to be

yet
the Egyptian had it best

on top of all these dudes.

His was the ultimate

because his lies where centered

by half truths

which I know

know were more lies

than his word sworn on a Qur'an,

he'd **** his best friends wife

then beat me into submission,

**** me- buy me....

BUY Me,

Bought me

like a slave from way back when

buy me

love me

then buy me some mo

He'd buy all kinds of **** to keep me claiming for me

houses, cars, jewelry,

and name brand items- I'd have a black eye,

ribs smashed to pieces,

but **** I looked real cute

limping round  in my new **** from

Sax 5th Avenue, Dolce & Gabbana, Prada & Versace.

**** name it & I maybe already had it

this is the same man who saved me from

being ***** by my foster father,

yet he became like the foster father

he saved me from

seemingly

after we've became husband & wife...

So when dude comes calling

I hold back built higher walls,

push him away,

fight and get in his face,

waiting for the monster to come out

waiting for him

to slam me to the floor or ground

I never believe a word he says

always looking for a reason or excuse

calling him lair and fake

telling him to ******* & go away

never really given him a

chance for him to be my man.

I be mean and I make him wait

but he says I know your pain

and together we can make it

just let's take it day by day.

He kisses me lightly,

caresses me tenderly

massages me to sleep

listen to my every word

and gives great advise,

has been a friend and part of the family

he has opened me

to expressing his own

pains trails & tribulations

never judgmental or abrasive

not even abusive

not even a little bit.

But
my ****** up mind is so scared

so afraid and ****** I'm worried

.

Honestly my hearts succumbed to his un-willful ways

but I can't fathom

once more being hurt

and I don't know if I even want to

yet I think I do.

So tell me help me please

explain

give advise and tell me

how do I say no when for many months now

he's been making me the center of

His Universe?!

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

Substance.
Heft. volume and mass.

Volume without value.
Being light in the ***.
Barking without teeth.

Gravitas.
Bite. weight and kick.
All talk.All yap all *****. No ****.

*****-fuckas today are sick
with it.
A man's word is nothing but air.

Lie to your face as if that is a virtue.
Get stuff all distorted as they twist you and hurt you.

Microphone checker.

No I'm not really mad. Just stretching out.
Anyway,back to the grind.

With your feelings these fellows are quite cavalier
as they muddy the waters and make things unclear.

Word is bond. Really like James Bond? WORD ?.
My word is my bond. We can trade on it.
My word is my life. The one thing you cant have.

Meaning and substance.
Values and core.

Fools take that today like a license to steal.
A big Lollipop a sucker Who dont know the deal.

Veracity.
Virtue.
brings
Vindication always.

I got lost souls
spinnin' outta control
fuckas wanna take cash roll
but im ballin' outta control
muthaphukkaz want me
but can't **** with me
i got the spirit of Makaveli can ya feel me?
once the rhymes hit ya melon
a true hood felon still bailin'
til the end of time
entice crimes cuz im
a wanted outlaw for the rhymes i spit raw
you against me
no competition im in it to win it  
spinnin' webs out hells pulpits
can ya see me though naw you don't drama though
cuz i got lost souls
outta control

Looking at the heartbeat of the street and my peeps still walkin' in death creeps sound a sleep
Wake up before it's too late **** a hot plate keep at least three dates
With some locas brown to latina yo tell me have you seen her?
Beatin' all misdemeanor ******' being fake id rather rake in my leaves and recieve blessing from.all the stressing and negativity still testin'
Went to battle with my own mind flat line the non-creative side half suicide a lion guarding his pride no where you can hide?
Once I strike my moves vindictive as Pike layin' white sheets bring that raw heat with no flame **** shame fuckas wanna see me go down mayne
And things ain't the same.when you want change politics insane deeply derange cuz I see thangs
Differently keep all eyes on the luminati so come and find me only to see my guns blastin' rapidly thoughts exposed wickedly it's an eye for an eye til they day I die I'm.a continue to.plex til last muthaphukka hater fries so tell me what's next?

On bended knees praying in pleas spare me some mercy yo why the gods cursed me?
I feel I'm one of the lost deities running from my self to protect my self what's next if we all plex?
Women be scared of *** and weak suckas wreck
A good mood don't ask why I'm rude crude to the next contender no pretender here I came to wipe away ya fears with my hot gun tears hittin' from the rear
Still wishin' my baby girl was here cuz this year would be our fifth kid out livin' the bids
See what I did I got angels and demons still intervenin' my dreamin' schemin' & beamin'
A creation of my mind that shines brighter than the sun the holy one keepin' it real til the day I lose my last breath continue to follow my ancestors steps
A rebel kin to Nat Turner with burner fast learner lyrical coroner swept the ashes from the crematory out comes me flesh to bones comin' from the spiritual tombs exposed wicked and wrong take a **** of the **** the more I **** the more I'm strong most long gone risin' like Kong feel me this is the realist song makin' paragons