here we  goo iff i fcking do  it wont b fckingg words it will b fcking blood fcking for reall fcking forr ever fcking every fcking where fcking hot blood fcking every time i m gonna fcking bled the fcking life out of mi fck sake for fcking reall fck now its my fcking life in the fcking end

Can't get up
Get out
Can't think of words
Can't speak
Or write
Can't walk or move a fork
Can't give a fuvk
Much less talk
Fck
****.
Fine
Fat
Freak
Fate
Fake
Fish
Flood
Failure
Final
­Found
Dead
Die, dying
Death,
Need death
I must
D  I  E

need to
Just
FCKING DIE

Gettin’ ****t on like I’m The Villian,
got this queasy feeling on the line reeling,
coming undone at the same time wound up and spun,
I’m done playing but stuck at the table with The Dealer still dealing,

want to throw myself up out of myself,
can escape every position except the one I’m in,
can’t escape yourself if knowledge is wealth,
then I’m loaded & still spending my winnings,

got Karma Credit but I’m morally cash poor,
because I just fckt my girlfriend as if she was a *****,
and I feel terrible or rather horrible about it,
because i think I’m infected by what neglect did without a cure,

no one is pure,
at least I’m not that’s for sure,
I'm tainted with devils in my head painted with what I spilled I’m red,
sick with the sort of illness that can't easily be cured,

in fact got a bad case of the blues,
but instead of strumming a guitar I’m taking things too far,
cut her so bad with my fingernails,
that I fear it might leave a few scars,

tied her up so tight,
that her wrists turned purple,
see she’s attracted to bad boys,
and I warned her that that’s the type of attraction that can hurt you,

little girl shouldn’t be out past her curfew,
nothing good ever happens past midnight,
but we’re both running from something,
both stand outs in the in crowd still something doesn’t sit right,

I’m uncomfortable,
because I think maybe all humans are disgusting,
maybe we just cause each other pain and trash the earth’s surface,
maybe we deserve to feel guilty & that’s why we are all fcking distrusting,

maybe I’m gonna fckn **** myself,
but this is a card game so then again maybe I’m bluffing,
maybe everything’s going to be alright,
maybe I’m being uptight for nothing,

but I’ll tell you what I feel like the **** of my own joke,
but I don’t give a fck so instead of changing I’m just shrugging,
mean mugging every person I pass suspicious of every bloke,
because these days crime pays and everyone’s always up to something,

and I just want to get ghost,
but I can’t and I guess that’s the way it goes,
so I’m sittin’ in the uncomfortable position,
of being both a role model as well as a criminal,

Gettin’ ****t on like I’m The Villian,
got this queasy feeling on the line reeling,
coming undone at the same time wound up and spun,
I’m done playing but stuck at the table with The Dealer still dealing…

∆ LaLux ∆

Nobody's gonna love you at three a.m.
Because nobody's gonna be around
Nothing but shadows can hug you
It's cold that early in the morning
And people are sleeping
And when it hits 3:01 don't get excited
Nobody is gonna love you then either
You have to love yourself
Or every other time of day is pointless
It's cold
So nobody's gonna love you until you do it first

I fight cause I see the need and the outcome a better fcking world for all for every body I mean for all of us KKK included  God has given us this world to share not shame

I am currently in one of those moods where everyone who is happy and in love, or has any kind of adorable love-life I really would like to light on fire.

Dear beautiful couples, please get your sickeningly cute relationship out of my sight before I *****! Can't you see I'm busy being bitter and lonely and spiteful?!
Sincerely,
The girl in the corner with the chocolate and the ice cream crying bitterly and insanely yelling crazy (slightly terrifying) things at random happy couples passing by.

I am so jealous of some girls it is actually pathetic and I know that jealousy makes me a pretty bad and petty person, but I think it would actually make me a worse person if I weren't honest and denied being jealous of them. I think that jealousy is just a different kind of pain that you are not allowed to feel because society stifles it, and that is not fair. Anyone else agree with this? Idk, maybe I'm the only one. I just think that as long as you are not "getting revenge" or "acting on your jealousy" or whatever it is perfectly normal to feel jealous and it should not be seen as agony, not a negative feeling that makes you a bad person if you feel it.

There is this guy and even though I don't really like him anymore, he and I are still chatting a little and I see his ****** exgirlfriend every fcking day and I hate her. Anyway, I just feel like I can never be like her and I feel this sense of competition between us everytime I see her because the guy I was talking about dropped me for her when he thought he had a chance to get back together with her and I hate being the "Plan B" and I hate him and I hate her and I hate feeling this much hatred and I hate myself for not being as badass as her, as pretty as her, as cool as her, having an original taste in music that is more similar to his as her, I hate myself for caring this much, I hate myself for being so much less interesting than her, and I just really feel worthless and like I am nothing compared to her. Also she is popular. I apologize if this offends anyone but since I had bad experiences with the popular crowd a while back (a lot of stuff I guess some people might call bullying but I don't want to sound like I'm victimizing myself), I just loathe the entire "culture" and society of "popular" people everywhere. I recognize that is an extremely biased, discriminatory, offensive, narrow-minded and pathetic, generalizing point of view, I just have really scarring experiences with them and I don't even care anymore. Anyway, she is extremely well liked by everyone and she is dismissive of poetry and the art of writing which offends me and she is just really... physically beautiful. Do you have any idea what I would give to be pretty like that? I can't compete. I may as well give up. Sorry for the rant this was a lot longer than I actually realized while writing it, I just needed to get this out I'm sorry.

It is kind of getting worse and I am starting to wonder if maybe I should get tested for dysmorphia. Just to ease my mind about the matter... but I'm scared to find out. If it is a no, then I'm glad I don't have a mental disorder but that means I really am a hideous beast and I really need to get some kind of operation or something to fix my ugly face, then if it is a yes, I have a mental disorder and I really don't want to deal with a disease of the mind because it hurts a lot to hate yourself this much.

I have too much work to do and too little time I'm panicking there is no way I am going to be done.

I have no social life.

I want chocolate.

I need to stop trying to resolve things with chocolate.

I'm in one of those moods where I am sad. I don't know why, I just am. How is that even possible?

I am not good at dealing with loneliness.

There must be a way to feel like you are enough for yourself. I haven't found it yet.

my birthday is coming upp people and i m torn as to what the fck should i fcking buy a fcking hookah dollar 5 or a fcking way fare-re shades dollar 5 help mi god for i need your fcking wisdom and at the same time i don't want to upset my mommy i do a lott of amazon you see

too late for regrets
no peace is found
a restless mind
youre not underground
no place to mourn
or to place my flowers
an empty soul
that has been devoured
no place to visit
no flesh to carress
im left with me a right fcking mess
one day perhaps
you will meet me there
when the time for death
isnt a distant stare
me and you
together again
no fighting this time
just serenity
amen

My neck hurts from the curves that come when I exert,
enough energy to network with these nerds and increase my net worth,
she’s an alcoholic hanging out at the bar I’m a workaholic raising the bar,
so take a guess at who’s efforts are worth more,

anyways here we are,
or rather there we were,
since I’m with another girl now,
and no longer with her,

I’m with a girl I met on Venice Beach,
who wears tattoos on both arms like sleeves,
which is ironic since that’s also where she wears her heart,
at any rate I’m with a girl I met on Venice Beach,

we had dinner then had ***,
a typical set of activities on any given night in this city,
and after she finished she said I’d crossed a line,
and she proceeded to tell me a story,

of how she’d been gang ***** a few years ago,
and how she still carries what had been done to her around,
about how she’d been drugged up then **** fckt,
then left alone bruise faced ****** assed on the ground,

no reason to sugar coat it,
men can be fcking disgusting,
that’s why if I was a woman I’d be a lesbian,
and I don’t mean that in any way that’s funny,

we spoke in our awkward line crossed post *** sweat,
laying there exhausted on my bed,
we talked about how men are such conflicted creatures,
how they can be so nice on the surface but so mean with ***,

how most of them are just looking for a place to stick it in,
and how sickening that fact is especially since I’m one of those *******,
and she left my house soon after but I didn’t expect her to stay,
especially since everything we’d begun to make had already turned into a disaster,

and as she disappeared into the night,
on a bike as black as the sky,
I thought about how she reminded me,
of the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and why…

∆ LaLux ∆

My bed’s a mess,
no reason to tidy it up,
don’t feel like tucking the corners in,
losing control and losing respect,

once the trust is gone,
what good is a relationship,
yeah we’ve all got skeletons in our closets,
only difference is you haven’t let yours out yet,

who am I to her,
just some one to see when she’s not fcking guys,
what am I to her,
just some place where she can run away and hide,

is our time together just meantime,
are we just spending time in the meantime,
until she finds a richer man,
or a more generous guy,

after all what more can I offer her,
other than these four walls I humbly call home,
other than a shoulder for her to cry on,
a friend to fill that space in her heart when she feels alone,

and I know she’s using me,
it’s all way too painfully obvious,
but I let her use me because I deserve to be used,
I guess this is what karma is,

payback,
for every woman I ever neglected,
since way back,
when I was a young punk that didn’t respect ****t,

but I’ve grown up,
more than just a little bit,
I’ve grown up,
just look at all my accomplishments,

I’ve got a home in California now,
and a beautiful California King bed,
but what good is a big bed,
if you don’t even take the time to make it,

my bed’s a mess,
no reason to tidy it up,
don’t feel like tucking the corners in,
losing control and losing respect,

once the trust is gone,
what good is a relationship,
yeah we’ve all got skeletons in our closets,
only difference is you haven’t let yours out yet…

∆ LaLux ∆

The New Book Is FREE Here: www.scribd.com/document/367036005

How do I start
to tell people?
That you are
my favorite pitfall.

You've put me
into this battlefield,
without me
knowing all its hazards.

By-and-by
it's your presence,
that I cannot contain
this growing imminence.

I saw this coming
and I got immune to the pain
fell deeply in love
as your light slowly fades away.

You challenge me
you play very well,
used every card
even my pride in peril.

Left alone with the hope
you'll start to see,
all the menace that abrupts
everything will lead to me.

If this is too much
to ask of you,
spare me no trouble
for I am afraid too.

Fck readiness
fck life,
for you I'd wait
even until the great divide.

Great distress
and jeopardy,
whatever happens
you know you'll have me.

Cold as ice
you pull away,
assiduously
I will travail.

You are the threat
I will always salute,
the danger
I'd fiercely hang on to.

All the risks you try
to put me through,
I'd be gratified
to fight for that single fcking chance to have you.

cryptic just think about it why and what iff get real in the mean while

here a poem i wrote readd it fcking note by fcking note okk we add garlic we add tomatoes we add onions and all that but why then goo so farr out and add the fcking meat any kind off meat doesn' t makes sense or anything like thatt

The place we stood to take photos
and you shamelessly owned your bright red chappal (slippers)
and I loved it
the place where I loved you
we checked the shades of lipsticks on our hands
love red on your hand and your skin cream on mine
the place where you asked me for a hug
and your mom nearly caught us in the act

This was also the place we shopped for you
where you kissed me inside a cabin in a try room
the same place we had a conversation & cinnabon
while people stared and almost envied you
because of all the love you got from me
where we loved the dazzling blue traditional dress
which was just too expensive
but that didn't stop us from looking

The place where we broke stereotypes
in more ways than one
and I couldn't help but remember how
we both hated shopping
but loved shopping together
how you always picked faster than I did
but i still picked for you
because you liked it better that way

All I could think of were the words
words you had said there then
and I could only ask myself
if you ever meant a single one

"Choose for me"
"Your choice of dress makes my Eid special"
"Kiss me"
"You are my favorite person to shop with"
"Lets do this again soon"
"Thankyou for the beautiful day"
"I love you"

Those words still echo through the walls of that place
and the walls inside my head

echo
Echo
ECHO
LOUD
STOP

I LOVE YOU
YOU SAID THAT
I FCKING LOVE YOU
YOU SAID THAT

STOP
LOUD
ECHO
Echo
echo

All I can think of are the words
you say now

"I don't even love you anymore"
"I didn't miss you"
"I hope you die"
"I don't want a forever with you"
"I can't commit to you anymore"

I am haunted by your ghost
in this city
and I say ghost because you are dead
this person is a shell with no soul
or heart

I am haunted by your ghost
in this city
everything smells of you
and looks like you
and sounds like you

And I am going crazy
in this place
where **we loved

fcking freedom hell yeah

the first love is the deepest

and if it comes and goes
its retribution

because
when you feel it
you fcking feel it

its like the first cut
or scrape
burn
and singe

and the second
it feels like the first doesnt matter

its like a bandaid
for the first

because
when you realize
how
much
it
mattered(s)

then you would
if you could
rip off the bandaid
the first (the only)
rebreak the bone
relive the heartbeark

over
and over
and over and over

if because what was given to you
what you really wanted

which was the first (the last)

but then you realize
the longing in your heart
the void that always exist
like when the shore craves the tide

even though

even though every single time
day in and day out
the tide drowns the shore

and the shore will never get enough
because without the drowning
it's never complete
that's the true cycle

abrasive drowning
coupled with an infinite longing

the shore cries out for the tide
every day
as it becomes dry
and lonely
and
and
and
and weak
and well
the shore knows nothing else
she wants to know nothing else

she calls out for the tide

and if he doesn't return
shes incomplete

and if she stays incomplete for too long..

well
let us all hope that doesn't happen

because
if it does

well

it signals the world is over.

it's a mysterious feeling, right? being in love.
you think about your other half everyday, how he's doing, how was his day, if he was happy or not. you wish you could give him everything you have.

on cloud nine.
you miss seeing his face even if it's just within 24 hours.
tell him sweet nothings.
be with him.
texting the whole day.
you feel euphoria all over your body, you want to feel this feeling forever, you wanna feel happy. just talking to him would suffice. go on simple dates. he added colours to my life. and i love seeing colors. i hated black and white in the form of photos.

but what if, it turns out that everything was a lie? you thought you were in love.
him telling you he liked you. calling you babe. telling you you'll always be his babe.

it's then that you come to a realisation that you've not met him before, it was just words and empty promises, you were trapped in your own illusion. your world instantly turned back into that dull, boring and grey life.

those words. maybe you made them up in you mind. you liked him too much to think rationally. you imagined joyful scenarios with him. your future with him. dates with him. everything just started to crumble down. you believed in everything he said. until now you realised not everything was true.

he can lie to you once, he'll do it again. being sad and crying so much because of him.  you don't even know if it's forced tears or if it's real anymore.

you have no idea what is real. you start screaming. grabbing your head on both sides. clenching you hair. sitting while hugging your knees. brawl your eyes out. you thought everything was real, or some part of it was real.

i know we're not meant to be. maybe everything was a lie. i hate you for doing this to me. i once wish you were dead and never appear in my life ever again. i'd rather you ***** up other girl's lives than mine.

you left. and i'm left stranded here. it's fine. i'm fine. i'll get over this somehow. erase all those memories of you, even though it hurts. i swear it hurts so much i wish i could let go of everything and just not believe in love anymore. i'll forget you. i'll do it forcefully if need be.

wish we never fcking existed in each other's lives.

so tell me, is love a choice or a feeling?

I want to
scratch your name off my mind
forget your hideous face
remove your voice
that echos so loud in my head
forget the feeling of your disgusting skin
and how it felt on mine
forget the filthy lies
that left your tongue
the words you were never held accountable for
forget the curls of your hair
that ripped my skin with softness
your fcking hazel eyes
that were never loyal to the brown in mine
that would always seek blue or green

I want to
rip every ******* memory
of you
from my heart
and then
from my mind
and rip my soul
apart from yours
burn every memory of you
that I have in
letters
pictures
scents
all your fake cunning tactics
to use
and then abuse
burn every part of myself
that you own
the love
the poetry
the letters
the memories
everything

I want amnesia to hit me
and take away all of you
from all of me

hate is fcking temporary love is fcking really everlasting

eggs are badd eggs are fcking vile fcking meat yukk yuukk yuukk won't like to et it any more man

when do you know he doesn't feel the same? you ask.

it's when you have to constantly apologise for having feelings for him and having confessed to him. 'sorry. sorry. sorry. for making things awkward. for making things feel like a burden.' like a fcking mantra.

while he doesn't reply at all.

does it break your heart? you were happy when you confessed to him, but when you realised he doesn't feel the same, your heart sinks, like how the anchor firmly goes deep down into the sea, heavy.

it's when, it should never have happened. you couldn't control your feelings. you wanted to express love to that piece of art you revere so much. you looked up to him.

people say love or feelings of like feels magical and all. but maybe not, maybe you thought too much about it just like how you overthink about every single thing. you mind fuzzes, images of clocks crazily ticking away, an alice-in-the-wonderland rabbit appears as well (it was something you were afraid of, that anxiousness)

like oh yeah, what did you expect from him, right? you just wanted to tell him how you feel.

just when we were gonna be friends, i ruined it.
and things just isn't meant to be i guess.

Three nights ago I was the happiest id been.
Three nights ago I had one perfect thing.
Three nights ago I was finally sure.

Two nights ago I ****** all that up.
Two nights ago I could love my reflection.

Last night I ****** my second ( third depending on how you look at it ) chance up.

But a year ago I laid eyes on a girl who hasnt left the back of my mind since.
She always said to me how love wasnt real, and to me that was *******.
"Ive been in love tons of times over the past 3 years"  I probably thought.

But those sophmoric ideals and freshman follys had taught me nothing and left me with nothing but a false shell of what I thought love was.
I never knew really but now I do I think, or I think I have a better idea.
Love is when you literally cant be apart from someone without counting the hours in between seeing them again.
Love is when the thought of someone not wanting you makes you wake up in the middle of the night.
Love is when the drugs hAve you  so out of it you dont think you can get off the couch but if  you heard their voice youd sprint full speed towards it.
Love is being overly sensitive about someones actions or emotions or thoughts because they are too selfish to see that the things they do effect other people and still not wanting THEM to be hurt.
Love is having your greatest fear wrapped around you and kissing it on the cheek because thats the only thing it wants.

I think I can also find love in the fact that  My world crumbled around me as you pulled out of my driveway once again and I laid punch after punch into my door and screamed your favorite curse word into the metal I could only see your face and the horror that might be on it seeing me like this and that was the worst moment of my life I felt like my heart was literally climbing through my throat to reach my brain and knock some fcking sense into it.

Im still not sure of what love is but I KNOW I love you

when i was a kid tech was fcking expensive so video game consoles were fcking out off reach and so i did what was there to do read comics man tons of comics tons of fcking story books end off transmission man

I wish you were right here,
Right now,
With me,
Together we pass this fcking tiring day,
Cause everywhere i go,
I saw your shadows,
Everytime i turn around,
I caught your glimpse,
Every sound i heard,
It resembled yours,
I always imagine how you would solve all of these,
I wonder how you would speak,
How you would act,
How you would smile this pain away,
But i know, i really know,
I can't ask for more,
Cause I'm nobody.
And still,
I'll be waiting for you with a strong heart,
Til' we meet again
:)

v  don't havv enough  money i wonder why why not enough money 2 eett good food every fcking day fck sake we do need more money 2 buy 1 more decent car but the thing is we don't havv that much money right now and it fcking hurts us

KKK is bad gett fcking real man take a fcking  peek at Africa Cambodia Burma and keep looking KKK looks like  fcking angels man not to forget that massssive goat fck bin Laden get real man world is worse than you can even imagine and so we need a better breed of people and my bet is we love our kids teach them good stuff they hold the key to a better more loving world people so let's cherish our kids teach them good stuff please I beg off you

were the fckk are the fcking aliens we are fcking dieing here were the fckk are the fcking aliens fckk

fcking tacos a fcking charade a fcking joke

you wanna live here in India b  my fcking guest **** its fcking funny none the less

every time i eet the fcking rice i m so happy like right noww

the last we heard you were purchasing a fcking bb gunn

double fck you Nepal  you fcking Nepalese

i wanna b able 2 describe every fcking thing every fcking time and i feel funny that you are all so fcked