Once upon the most important moment
ever to be crucial to my too-invulnerable soul,
i ****** up beyond all possibility to be believed,
utter failure for the only forever which will ever matter
confident in my idiot coat,
i slit my own throat
(with my serrated knife
of not good enough
i ended my greatest life
by killing her loving our Love)
i cut out my own heart,
watched my aborted soul
streak shrieking out the gaping hole
it was mourning for all the mornings
it would never wake beside her
it hated me for all the adventures
it will now never share with her
it shall always despise me
for the forever she denies me
the blade of my inability
to make her believe in me
carved out my breaking barely beating heart
but could not **** the boundless hurt
(this pain shall always forever reign)
Eventually
i mostly got over the loss of my sister
because i couldn't keep empowering the horror
and i understood why she couldn't go on
and she would have wanted me to move on
Eventually
cannot this time occur,
i can't even minutely reduce the power of this horror,
it is feral aggressive primordial omnipotent horror
Shannon, oh, Shannon,
you threw me away
Shunned, oh god, shunned
on my Judgement Day
The One
dis-believed US
un-believed US
The One, while crying,
said she still Loved Me (me!!)
(and missed me, silly)
and wasn't better without me,
but wouldn't be with me
and then went back to an ex before me
so easily and fast into over me.
And i'll never get past that,
any of that...
how do you meet a miracle,
The One & Only One,
who says sighs smiles you make each other miracled,
and then just be over & done.
i don't know if you've ever been that broken,
if very want you've ever wished for
was suddenly sharing a million more,
and then in an instant all was unspoken
and i don't know
if the worst experience you'll ever know
was an unexpected assault
from your own ****-up fault,
was a sudden evil somewhen
banishing the best you've ever been
but she won't let me fix the what or the why,
so i'll live for decades wanting to die.
and even in my nothing,
i do know a few things...
i don't want this dark,
i want her spark
& the flame it ignited
& the future it excited
which used to burn with no pain
& i keep trying for believing
somehow someday it will again
i don't want this darkness
that after her i “live” in.
i just want her kiss
again & again & again
i don't want to know
any more of this limp limbo,
i want when i make her laugh
and make her smile two times plus half
i can't know any more of this horror,
can't keep knowing years exploding into tears.
i want to keep quoting the movie
where You said Yur best was me
(seriously, ME!!!!)
she said it was me
Shannon's voice
her personality
the touch of her eyes' smile
and trying to watch that at the same time
as staring at those luscious lips
while aching to grab her *** as
we pulled us hips to hips.
everything about her
and about US
the LOVE
the LUST
the connections from a multitude of directions
the music
the emotions
the bodies playing tunes
as hearts kept the beat
and kayaks under full moons
whispered we were the shared heartbeat
that everyone dreams about
everyone dreams about
we were it
we are it
it will never not be right
it will never not be our night
but her eventual belief
became my eternal grief
as instead of mend it
and make US even stronger
she decided to end it
and make US no longer
so sorrows are all my tomorrows
and volcano tears are my eyes for years
(they explode without warning
all throughout every day
and no-one seems to see the scarring
as they burn & turn my heart to pompei)
i envisioned holding her for forever,
tightly when she wanted,
loosely when she was ultra busy
and a light touch would make her happy
i remember every time she touched me,
it was always rhythm & rhyme & HAPPY
seriously,
i still tingle from her first touch,
who knew June 30th, 2013 would mean so much
(or that February 3rd, 2014 would **** me)
we sat & spoke & shared beside a fire,
finally in person with the finest person,
as her personality & eyes & & voice set me forever afire
(until the day she emailed me into broken)
and now i remember how a miracle dies,
i remember with my once bright blue eyes
whose light left when she said
we will never be wed,
we will no longer Love instead
& then my eyes ceased seeing my soul,
not merely blinded
by all that was reminded
staring into that bleeding hole,
but instead finally ******* dead
look me once more in the eyes,
see the agony in their empty,
and cry as You realize
removing You from me killed me
break my mirror,
what's left to lose?
take my forever fear,
i shall succumb & lose
a We that was US
is naught but a forgotten smile
and yet all the while...
the other we is here waiting,
my brokenness & i.
forever needing our re-fating,
DEAD but dreaming of being alive
