Caught up in expectation
Entangled in what’s in my direct line of view
I slip under, escaping the burning rays
And I long to be outside myself with you
It’s too easy to forget who we are
When we continuously give ourselves away
I’m outside in, all mixed up
Too prideful to fall cliche
When close quarters means natural comfort
You grab hold and hang on tight
It’s been years since I looked into those eyes
I think I might drown in them tonight
Some say that these words inside
Shouldn’t be uttered in this realm
I say they blow in on the wind around us
Without the need to make a sound
A familiarity I’ve grown to love
An emptiness left in your wake
I’m not prepared for the possible change
Of such an intimate heartache
You remind me to remember
To dig a little deeper some days
Reclaim the magic in myself
Recognize the beauty in my ways
Come slide your arms around me
I’ll grasp your hand as you bid me adieu
For a moment, hold me like I am me
And you are magnificent you
Life is foreign and strange,
so we turn to the road beyond;
preferring what we do not know
in fear of what we cannot understand.
I'm paid to paste this smile on my face
Though it's rarely ever there
Because money doesn't motivate the clinically depressed
As much as we all would like it to
No, I won't make it easy on you
It sure is hell isn't easy on me
Driving through town with my music loud
And a pain so heavy I can barely breathe
Trying to drown out the hurt in endless caffeine
That only makes my heart race faster
And my breath more shallow
And most nights it seems I'm fading
Into the hell that is this life
Because I feel almost nothing
Except the shame and guilt that comes with existing
And my counselor says that
dissociation occurs most
with having done something awful
But how can I explain that
Simply living my life
Feels like an awful thing
And my heart tells me that
Death is my destiny
She comes to me every night...
When all is asleep with stars lit yonder.
Comes to me with subtle might
Peeking fiendishly from darkness's cover
Await such time she'd choose to show
Await the chance to finally take.
Ready to pounce like a well tensioned bow
Arrow-like talons, ever honed to stake.
Awake or asleep, she would come without fail.
Creep is her gait; this shadow clad figure.
Always a ***** in my impervious mail.
Claiming her wants with ferocious fervour.
Deemed to be strong, easier to succumb.
Don't fight...don't struggle... Don't call for aid...
Just wait and will yourself numb
She'd come regardless of prayers that's said.
She was here with me last night
In bed, I stared at a being that's faceless...
And my heart wrenched tight.
Gripping and feeding me senseless...
Soon as she came, she left but not before
Siphoning the good and replacing with dread...
Stole was what she did; left me wanting more...
Once deed is done, into the dark she fled.
I know her all too well,
Nocturnal guest that I unknowingly invite
Her intentions to incite, not quell
Send me spiralling through emotional blight.
Day will recede, making room for dark
She'll come; swift and without sound.
She'll arrive majestic; inflicting her mark
I'll wait for her, ready and unbound.
Looking forward to her return
This silent foe whom I find familiar.
With every touch I cringe and burn
Oh secret friend whom I'm beginning to savour...
She is synonymous with various names
Each would bear the likeness of semblance
Let fly her cloak of not dissimilar aims
Endearingly I call her...,
The simple exertion of air from lungs,
Caged deep within spirit.
I was familiar with a voice.
It’s presence drove the beat of my heart,
It’s restraints deeming me human,
Keeping me at level,
I used to be familiar with this voice.
I could shout,
I could sing,
I could even show restraint,
Now I’ll chose. I will be familiar with you
I recognize that for a long time I’ve been silent, and withdrawn from people I should be close with
The air is filled with tension whenever we were together. We were opposites yet, we attracted each other. We go together. We compliment one another.
He was a painter and I was his masterpiece.
He made me his sky. I was covered in blue and purple. Every touch was like lightning. Every encounter brought a storm. There was no peace in me. There was no light in him.
He put me together and teared me apart. He built me up and pushed me down. I told him to leave then begged him to stay. I left him but I came back.
I had to come back.
His coldness brought me warmth and my loneliness brought him company.
We go together in all the wrong ways.
Yet, we stayed with each other because that's all we know.
Wrote this while listening to Hostage - Billie Eilish
a familiar face, familiar name
around my chest, familiar embrace
inside my heart, i feel the pain
it feels the same, it feels the same
another day, another town
one hundred new girls all around
but still my smile forms a frown
looking for you inside the crowd
inside a crown
ideas forming modern art
with bright red paint marks from my heart
displayed upon the auction block
dismay up on the auction block
Sometimes I get stuck
And it's hard to tell if I'm ok
But I can always tell that I'm unwell
When I get the urge to talk to you
You do not help me
You do not make me feel positive
And yet I have this urge
To speak to you
To give you the power to hurt me
To give you the power to break me
To take me
To abuse me
To use me
Until I am nothing more
Than an object
Not a person
Not a set of feelings
Yet serving a purpose
Something a little more than
The nothingness I feel
It's so hard to stop
So hard to let go
Of happiness, of joy
But also of the ghosts
We find comfort in the familiar darkness
March 27th, 2019
She was drown in the sarrows of a past she dare not escape.
Bound by an invisable chain, anchored, and weighed her down.
A painful comfort of dysfunction, this chain rubbed raw places in her mind.
Like an addict in her ways, kindness and happiness slipped through her open grasp, so she could wade into the familiar waters once again.
it is sad how some you love SO dearly seem to love their problems and past more than the life they could lead in the present. The observation is this damage creates a dysfunctional behavior where the victim thrives on problems, not happiness, and can and will help everyone but themselves.
The epitome on the show
is more than a dream turned true.
A timeless beauty stitched on the stone.
The first sight hooks the eyeballs
No star is a far cry from here
it looks so close.
A narrative feels so familiar is never old
seen tons of times yet is a new Taj Mahal.
Since the medieval eyes were dazzled
by this monument of love
the crave to eye on it once in a lifetime
is in every lover’s heart!
People of new ages flock here
with the admiring birds
on this air of everlasting romance never
gone with the wind are mesmerised with love!
Can that be a feeling?
I don’t know
it’s not happy but its also not sad
It’s almost like nothing
I do see spurts of happiness
but also see spurts of sadness
So I guess I’m defining it as neutral
And being stuck in neutral
is also kind of like a car
You sometimes drift little forward
You sometimes drift a little backwards.
But most of the time
you stay in the same place
Home sweet home
Where I can sit on my ***
With no need to roam
And no need to ask
What to do next
A good sesh of nothing
Sounds like the best
With no need to worry
About where to eat dinner
And when to meet friends
Order in trusty take out
Throw the kids in bed
Time to binge on light shows
Then sleep like the dead
NCL August 2019
Had a lovely vacay but it's always so nice to get home.
This familiar close voice
Bruised what was only delicate
A host of my own space
My walls now up
To block or facilitate
Together we are
It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything more than a single line, so starting test myself again.
This is an amended version of one written for a previous love
Our atoms were in the same vicinity when the universe was created;
how lucky are we to, once again, cross paths.
To brush our atoms
One against the other,
feel the familiarity of "oh we've met before".
The universe has fallen into place many times since I have glanced into your eyes
Alas, he takes my breathe away.
stop falling in love @me
I would have taken the easy path
But that would leave no room for glory
I would have picked out a comfortable life
But that isn't God’s kind of story
I would have followed a prettier road
But missed the most beautiful way
I would have clung to familiar things
But lived out my days in the grey
I would have chosen what’s stable
But grown cold, apathetic and bored
I would have sought out earth’s riches
But lost all that in heaven is stored
I would have liked more successes
But not learned so quickly of grace
I would have seen myself praised more
But given up knowing God’s face
I would have tied all my loose ends
But not known it’s He Who brings peace
I would have wanted for happier times
But traded a joy that can’t cease
I would have opted for normal
But not tasted rare delicacies
I would have preferred a man’s love
But been robbed of Divine intimacy
He’s chosen for me the high road
More jagged, more narrow and steep
So now I must travel this difficult way
Ever knowing it leads to the deep
Now I must choose to cherish His path
And trust Him to walk with me there
Now I must hasten to take up my cross
The fellowship of His sufferings to share
For one day this life will be over
And all my afflictions will end
It is then I will see what all this is for
In my Bridegroom, my Savior, my Friend
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
i sometimes lose the experience of truly being present
i lose focus of the moment and my attention span wears out
i detach from my surroundings and i’m no longer there
i mean i’m there
but my mind’s drifting far
so far away
it looks familiar but at the same time its vivid
im lingering in this place not sure for how long
it’s like i’ve been drugged, dozed off the face of reality
but then im awakened by a distant voice
a sound so melancholic it pulls at my heartstrings
could swear i’ve heard it all my life but where?
is it a stranger?
or someone i’ve known my whole life?
i can’t seem to tell,
it’s like i’m cast under a spell
And yet again
I hear that familiar melody
it brings me tears.
and take a listen,
to the music
that brings me to a
whole new kingdom.
playing that music.
It's just a piano
that sounds so fantastic.
How much I love the piano...
"There's this dance
That I've memorised"
Whispers a voice by my side
Pulling me along
Twirling me to her foreside
"Should I show you it?"
The crease between my brows,
Fingers tracing my cheek
Down to my hand
Eyes closed, she pulls me forward
Steps not unfamiliar,
The warmth on my skin
Slowly fades, no more than
A distant memory
The words echo in my ears
Dimming to a loud buzz
"Thank you for the dance."
She has lost count on how many nights she spent alone,
spoiling her thoughts while sipping her whiskey at the balcony
looking at the stars and the moon with intimate longing,
and wishing to be one of them as if she was one, once
They say that to live is the rarest thing in the world,
as for her, life is always a puzzle with one missing piece,
an endless labyrinth with no way out, let alone the dead end
an unsolved riddles with no absolute clues, let alone the answer
Sometimes at times like tonight, she'd let her mind wander
to streets she has never walked before and people she has never met,
with language she barely understands nor familiar with,
thinking maybe solitude is not a bliss after all—it's an agony
that i don't recognize
the air feels a little different here
the heat hits a little harder here
the cold bites a little deeper here
i know these halls like the back of my hand
they are made for hundreds of feet
but they lead me nowhere
these walls are built on foolish regrets
there's bad blood between the bricks
there were voices here
voices i heard for so long but never knew
faces i saw but never memorized
like the words on the whiteboard
there's names on the concrete
memories written in chalk
i'm not there
i'm not sure if i ever was
Don't just make rhymes
Express what is inside
Darkness or light
Who could know
I heard of a man who could not cry
And so got old, cursed
Heaven and Hades for not feeling
A tear turn dry.
It was said that once he died
His spirit explored the Earth
Its dirt and he wanted to be a bird
To sing of his life that did not know pain.
So a bird he became and as he sang
His tale was not subscribed by the skies
O beware of gadflies in disguise
Devastated he realized that he felt pain
It felt great
He fell to the plains into a swoon
Later his eyes grew wide
Metempsychosis of the mind
The owl a reflection he saw from up high.
I know that he's happy wherever he's. He's lucky that he still have someone writing about him lol! I have promised myself not to do this but I realized that we never stop loving people. So I guess writing seldom how I feel won’t hurt. Many things have changed since we parted ways. Months after we cut our connection, I felt abandoned. So from then, I am not echoing my ache to people anymore. I found some of them unreliable. There are little things that I’ve been hiding to myself though I talk about him. And as I conceal them, they are outgrowing me already. And I have to check myself everyday if these flaws slip from my clothes.
Time has passed and I feel like everything was just coined in a blink of an eye. The radiance he gave was still haunting. I probably need a closure to answer these things I’ve been asking myself for so long. I still wish him all the happiness in the world for him to deserve them. And if God permits, I hope he’d conspire all the roads for our paths to meet. I will be happy seeing him but I don’t know if I’m ready yet. One thing is for sure though — I won’t break my promise. I would still accompany him when we meet.
Excerpts from the letter I'll never write.
Finding another poet who seems
to write your own heart is like
coming into a familiar garden
when the light is just right
For all of you