it's been 400-something days
since we broke up,
since the last time we spoke.
since then i've gotten better,
and walking farther and farther
away from the little corner of my brain
(and perhaps my heart)
where i, admittedly,
will forever hold you,
i've deleted our correspondence,
given away your toy puppy
that i used to hold close in my sleep.
almost nothing in my life reminds me
the most insignificant of days,
in the balmy afternoon of
an mundane thursday,
i lay prone in my bed,
the towel i took before i was supposed to shower
discarded at my side.
it's been more than two years
since i fell in love with you,
more than 300 days
since i forced myself to fall out of it.
i find myself in that same place
where i was those 400-something days ago,
neither falling into,
nor out of, love–
i was just falling.
i'd come across your name yesterday,
and the shock of it froze me.
my heart almost beat itself out of my chest,
but not in the the same manner as it did two years ago.
at that moment, everything i had put away
safely in my mental chest,
into a mental coffin,
buried in my mental cemetery,
somehow crawled its way out of the grave
and carved and dug a new home
into the back of my eyelids.
now, it seems like all the effort i made
in removing any physical reminder of you
were all wasted.
the sound of your voice suddenly resonates so clearly and fully like you're right next to me;
the softness of your palm reminds me of how well our hands had fit together;
the way your eyes lit up when you gushed about a book you had read;
the surprised little giggle you let out in the crook of my neck after i kissed you the first time.
it all came back and it hurts
and i miss you.
i miss you so, so fucking much.
i know you never think about me anymore
and i guess i'm glad about that.
at least i won't feel guilty about cutting you out of my life,
because as much as i miss you,
i never want to speak to you again.
where love and affection and devotion
were once overflowing and overwhelming,
hurt and bitterness and resentment
have taken their place.
they've sucked out and taken every good thing i felt and thought
and turned them into something dark and sinister
just so i could move forward and let go.
i do hope you're happy now.
i guess i'll see you in a better place someday.