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Eleanor Sep 2018
It’s like I’m sitting, watching a love scene in a movie where teens are driving and swimming and laughing and I'm immersed and enjoying it, but then the harsh, violently, fluorescent lights behind me turn on and the director yells “Cut!” and my brain is hijacked by a new reality of fake, lonely, nothingness.
That is depression.
Madeleine Mar 2018
My life is like a keyboard in
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
I try and Esc those who are poison to my life
where I just need to Tab and skip ahead a week
or maybe a month
that doesn't always work so I try and find an Alt way
if all fails
push through to the End
Shift to the new chapter
and delete them from your life
phone
social media and all
I like to enter into a long dream
so I can wake up and start over
some days feel like I am on caps lock and everything is drastic
or way too exciting I just need to scroll down a bit to save some energy for the rest of the day
Some days I need not be alone
but to insert myself into healthy groups
full of positive vibes and energy
if I stay with healthy relationships
my f8 should be well off
but don't quote me on that
if I ever get to crazy
feel free to tell me to backspace
and just chill
I don't want my life to be just okay & full of JK's
but rather full of spontaneous adventures
while trying not to be a jailbird one day
I know we belong together
for that is why W and E are next to each other
like U and I
but don't #perfect us for we are like many others
so if you could let me clear my mind
and focus that would be great
for I am @ a point
where I shouldn't be worried about $$
and the % I make
to help do things for you and I
because it isn't about
money but taking
one letter one word at a time
Madison Aug 2018
See death everywhere.

Paranoia setting in

Killing character.
lmbf Jul 16
and you know it shouldn’t matter because there are other fish in this sea, other boys you can give your love to,  other girls that want to love you too because you learned in physics that all humans are made of stardust and so  you know you deserve someone that looks at you nothing less than the way an astronomer admires a constellation,  you know you deserve someone that looks at you like you are Polaris — the star on the bottom of Little Dipper — you may be little but you are the star that holds the constellation of your family, your team, your friends, your community’s love together. but yellow was always your favorite color,
and on the Hertzsprung-Russell Diagram
it represents the stars with the most fire.
you know you deserve better
but it doesn’t stop you
from wishing you
could cry
by the river
one more time
— that endless stream —
about
the
endless
stream
of souls
that
have
come
and
go

as if you are just a revolving door, a pit stop on the way to a better destination, as if being on the bottom of a constellation means you are just a stepping stone
to the starry flames that don’t burn
as brightly, that
won’t die quite
as
fast.
relaunching this page.
V Apr 2017
There you are again,
Standing under the rain.
Your mind filled with thoughts
That cannot be explained.

A wave of emotions flow through you,
Sadness, happiness, anger, regret.
In pain because you confessed
The things that should've remained unsaid.

Unsure how much time has passed,
As you stare blankly at the gloomy sky.
Recalling the memories you've had together,
Knowing they're precious and unlike any other.

You start to take a single step,
As you plan your next move.
Because now you have to accept the truth,
That things won't go back to the way they used to.
Andrew Jun 2017
I'm extremely disorganized
I don't know what belongs where
Take my eyes for example
I can't find a place to rest them
I tried setting them on you
But everyone agreed that **** wasn't working
They explained that an organized man
Adheres to categories
And you and I
Are not of a kind
I attempted to argue that you organized me
My heart
My mind
You folded me neatly
When you beat me
You always made sure to set me aside when you were done with me
You'd place me in a bin
Or release me to the wind
Yet there was a burdensome fault in my littered logic
They explained that an organized man
Is clean
I must use eyes that are sanitized
To see how we're not categorized
And avoid your matador eyes
Because things will get messy
When the bull in your fists
Sees the roses in my heart
My humanity starts to part
And my wishes I begin to opine
For the nature of a bovine
So I wouldn't misplace my eyes
And be what I'm classified
But that nature eludes me
As do most things
On account of me being disorganized and all
But I'm a quick learner order burner page turner
I may not know what belongs where
But I know I belong neither here nor there
Making my eyes not belong anywhere
This is what develops my entropy stare
J Rodriguez Feb 2017
The most painful goodbyes are the ones never said and never explained. A smile can hide the tears. A laugh can hide the pain, but nothing stops the longing to have you back again , our Momments of laughter will never be forgotten. It seems like it's a dream but it's reality.
In loving Robinson Pujols
                                             1990-2012
Wrote this when my friend that meant something to me passed away ..
Luz Hanaii Aug 2018
There are those that when helped will be grateful and learn to do for themselves.
Yet there are others, who will take you for granted, thinking it’s your duty to bail them out.

Sometimes walking away is not being selfish nor cowardly, but having the intelligence to walk away.

Walking away can be hard, but staying to suffer is harder.

“”When I kept “turning the other cheek” things never changed, only got worst, until I finally walked away.””

Part of having wisdom is knowing when enough is enough.

Some people and things can never be explained, nor should you waste your time trying to figure them out,  just walk away.

In letting go you find yourself. True love doesn’t always mean staying, but being able to let go.

Remember:
Anybody can say, “I love you!” but few can prove it.
Learn to also love yourself.
The most painful lessons, are the ones that eventually will brings us the greatest joys.
Andrew Jul 2017
The clock struck midnight
With an informative pang
I couldn't face it's music
So I turned counterclockwise
But time kept moving forward
As my wisdom dissipated
Bad times I anticipated

As I wandered through life
Burdens grew
Weight added with each step
My feet started to sink into the ground
So I got in my car
And drove
And kept driving
The more I traveled
The more I witnessed
The less I talked
As I grappled with the futility and necessity of communication

The clock warned of night's approach
I decided to continue driving
Luminous fireflies pelted my vessel
Their lamps exploding upon impact against my vehicle
The ability to destroy light
Exhilarated me
And I became addicted
To extinguishing that which shines
Until darkness flooded my engine
And an abysmal order was made by my abyssal odor

I had to exit my vehicle
And consult a mechanic
He explained my engine wouldn't work
Unless my windows were down
Which solved my darkness problem
But those ****** pests pervaded my car
Their locust glow disoriented me
The slight variations of their unique displays
Manufactured chaos within the light

My eyes grew accustomed to entropy
My brain grew accustomed to impairment
Commuters noticed my erratic driving
And offered to assist me
By attempting to ram me off the road
But the impenetrable light created a force field
Impalas couldn't run through
For my light bugs too much
Buffering me from others
And driving others from me
Leaving me alone
As a giant pulsating light that never stops moving
Is this how a star is born?
Traveler Jul 27
I took a little trip
To the ward
The other day
Down through
The crazy maze
The cheese trying
To persuade
So I simply explained
I am just a Poet
A little out of faze
They prescribed
Me Prozac
And sent me on my way!

Other people's hell's are worst then mine,
I just get lost here and there, in and out of time.
Traveler Tim
Andrew May 2017
I spent my life in empty blooming fields
The indifferent magic of life married me to complacency
Until I was cursed...
Cursed with light
A light that blinded me
While simultaneously illuminating the monstrous abyss

On the first night I dreamt of you
You were the King of All That Lasted
Ants of wisdom marched to your orders
You were covered in tattoos; simple little circles that
marked your entire body
You explained every circle represented a different moment in your life
"What does that one mean?"
"That's the day I met you."

On the second night I had a nightmare I had a dream about you
In my nightmare I couldn't convince myself the dream was just a dream
I'd be awake and know it was a dream
But in the dream it feels so real
I begged my local Illuminati to put more fluoride in the water
To no avail
There is nowhere to run in my dreams

On the third night I had a nightmare
I was watching meteors rain out in space
Although it was beautiful I couldn't help but think, "Why aren't they hitting us?"
And then a meteor crashed into Earth
I guess that's how dreams work
Or at least mine that is
When I think I should die I always do
And then I wake up
Did I mention I couldn't move as I watched my world explode?
InLove000 Feb 2016
Loneliness , sadness and tears
things that cannot be explained
are deep inside my heart
since the day you left
I still can't believe
I cannot imagine that I will never be able
to talk or see you again
rest in peace
Vierra Dec 2015
'When you look at me, what do you see?' She asked.
'I see truth beyond your years. I see youth that has no end.'  He replied calmly.
May I begin with a genuine smile and kiss? He thought.
He lent forward and began the breath of life, slowly aiming towards her half closed mouth. Her eyes closed, awaiting bliss.
'Please look at me and kiss me and only me.' He requested. 'I need you to be real because of your youth.' 'We cannot begin with a lie. You are of age but still so young.' He explained.
He was speaking of age requirements in respect to relationships with the opposite ***.
'Yes, my love.' 'This is my first in my ageless youth.' She said with a hint of melancholy.
'I am frightened.' She further explained.
Let's start again. He lent forward and began teasing her lips with his. He pressed his hot mouth over the top of her upper lip, then slowly and gently, released and continued with the lower. Attack and defense, attack and defense, until a slow, settled agreement with a warm breath and flick of her tongue. This small battle happened for fifteen minutes.
'I am moist and waiting.' She said in ******.
Let it begin, the dance, from ages before. A dance from lifetimes before us and one that will continue until there is nothing.
'Let it begin.' He stated.
Days later, she agreed to it again. Then he agreed to it again, days later.
A small hop to her step was noticed by neighbors and she smiled to herself often
Him, on the other hand, was already prepared for this.
Years later, they would reminisce of these small events gratefully  and with a fondness of their youthful experiences, at the alter.
They both smiled and agreed to private dances that they hope will produce sweat and blood.
i am shy but i manage
Lacey Clark Oct 2018
Raised faux-religiously in a catholic school by convenience of neighborhood (though, I loved the plaid and I wanted to do Eucharist but my mom explained I wasn't catholic, so I dabbled with the hymns and cursive) by my two *** moms and some 'extra kids' (fostering, etc) in Spokane. Homeschooled later (and seriously religiously, Vacation Bible School, NO HARRY POTTER and no saying 'stupid', a lot of neighborhood scootering) by uncle auntie and my two home-made and hilarious cousins (siblings) in Nevada. another private school in the Wild West with my grandpa and grandma (maybe religiously? they took me out to Mexican dinner religiously). And scattered across the West, Mid-West and South for all the rest. Public schools interwoven and equally traumatizing in between states.
One school in florida was known for fist fights and head lice. I kissed my first boy there. and girl. I left for what I thought was summer vacation and never came back. Another accidental move.
I had been squeezed in-between the palms of each coast for high school (plopped in the midwest).
In Wisconsin, I popped like a pimple and broke some major skin. Tried to end my life a few times. Psych ward after psych ward. Pills. Pills. Pills! A nurse took me aside and said "i have hope for you" and it was the first time i felt seen. met hard drugs to replace the cutting- they felt like long lost friends. Easy to pick up.
And recovery was like feeling your face after a satisfying shaving... and not a scratch since.
Now gliding along the West Coast in Academia's matrix. Politics and community engagement and the center. Clean. In the Heart of the City. Biking with helmets. Shoebox studio apartments. Nose in book, nose in food. Day job with a class of kids who I love and who love me. Space to grow, assess, reshape. Optimism. Peace. Stability.
Smoke Scribe Feb 2015
can't imagine it ranks high up
on any list of any deity,
*** and God ******,
probably don't make the cut,
on a relative basis,
but ya never know...

looked around,
couldn't be found
any mention of who he roots for,
or if it's ok to ask for intervention


but
if you ******...
if you behead...
claiming with perfect
human vanity
his name as your own
for justification
in ignoring
Thou Shall Not ****,
know this

you're a commandment breaker,
having taken god's name in vain,
vain like vanity,
the sin unique to only humans

we cannot divine the divine,
sure wish it was my NY Giants
were today bowl-occupied,
why he chooses me to suffer
someday will surely be explained
or not

but you murderers,
easy rest assured,
taking his name in vain,
you won't be forgotten,
cause and effect
spelled out clearly


*“the LORD will not hold him guiltless
who takes his name in vain
void Jan 8
writhing in pain
i remembered vividly
what the doctor had said to me
"you have manic depression
but you are too young"
and then she walked out

i was thirteen
i didn't know
what that meant

so i tossed in bed
and ate my blanket
but not the food they served me
because if i ate food
then i wouldn't be
pretty
like her

"you can't touch each other
not even fingertips"
i needed love
from someone who knew
my struggle
they took that opportunity away
(for another few months)

"your family is here to visit"
i said i didn't want to

"you are in control of
your stay here"
you didn't even
try to stop me
from lying
my way out
you helped me
lie

"you can't listen
to what kept you alive"
why not?
but you can play songs
that describe
****
with the curse words
bleeped out

"we'll give you the others
information if they leave it
for you"
they did
so why don't i have it

"you can't have any
unsupervised utensils"
then tell me
why
did you leave us
a group of
unstable and
freshly medicated
teenagers
alone in a room
with scissors and glue
scared and confused

"you can talk about
anything in group therapy"
then why couldn't i speak
when i was ready?
was it that
i wanted to tell them
how ******* thankful
i was
to be somewhere that
finally
wanted to help
with people like me

"we want to help you get better"
the biggest lie you told
"if the pill doesn't help, just tell us"
you called me an addict
"you can tell us anything"
you made me feel nauseous
"you're safe here"
you made me undress
after visible discomfort
and tears
so you could look
and poke
and ****

"you have manic depression"
but we wont treat you for it

instead, we will treat you for depression
with a touch of
anxiety
because we don't want you better
we just want you away

I have manic depression
Untreated for at least
Four years.
At this rate
And my mental state(s)
It could very well be
Borderline Personality.

I have(had) manic depression
And they took four years
Away from me.
i was in the mental hospital for 6(?) or 8(?) days. it wasn't all bad, it just wasn't good. if any of you have bipolar or bpd and would be open to talking to me please message me. it's scary to realize this.
Peter Balkus May 2018
They claim they know everything,
but so far they haven't explained a thing.
They only make it complicated.
Pagan Paul Nov 2018
.
The hypotenuse stretched
as far as the eye could see,
across a vast lateral plain
an horizon mathematically perfect.
And yet …
In the main square of the hypotenuse
the town crier bellowed out tidings.
The Triangle Triumvirate was unstable,
the discovery, nay re-discovery,
of the Mystery, the most horrific of Mysteries,
the Mystery of the missing
Fourth-Side.

Dweeb was a box standard barbarian.
Quick to anger, slow of wit.
Like last night at dinner.
He had Three potatoes, his sister had Four.
He shouted and thumped the table,
his angry voice expunging his ire.
Then his sister had explained,
to calm and reassure him.
Three was more than Four
because it had Five letters in it.
And Five is more than Four.
He thought about his axe,
then about his abacus,
and then he ate his spuds.

The Fourth-Side drifted in spacial isolation.
Of course now it wasn't a Side.
Being attached to nothing, it was just a line,
but it had some tricks.
It could coil and curl itself
to form rude words in joined up writing.
It floated on reminiscing,
about the **** angles it had made
with all its previous adjacent lovers.
The memory caused spasms
and it formed into a rude word
that should never ever be written down.

Teena, Dweeb's sister, vomited.
She had kissed a puppy,
and was being sick in the morning,
was she pregnant?
But, it was never a puppy, always a stork.
He mum had told her, warned her
'never kiss an errant stalk'.
Her mum died of the pox, whatever that is.
Something clicked in her head.
Oh! Stork and stalk!
Well they do sound the same,
especially in a harsh barbarian accent.
But the puppy had sneezed
as she had kissed it goodnight.
She thought about her axe.
And then she threw up again.


Equations to be solved #7
Vlad the Impaler was a Barbarian
+
Vlad the Impaler was a Libra
=
Dracula was a Librarian?



Right Angle was worried.
Duly so.
If the Fourth-Side Mystery was solved
he'd have three other Right Angles to deal with,
instead of a sixty and a thirty.
The Triangle Triumvirate would cease.
An intense Quadrilateral Mexican stand-off
would ruffle his perfect two-seventy external.
He had to divert attention away,
far, far away, from the Fourth-Side.
By Jove he had it! Bingo!
Let them try to solve
the Mystery of
The Back-Side.

Dweeb loved winding up his sister.
So he hid her puppy in a box.
But now he was worried.
Was the puppy still alive?
Or dead? Or both?
This may sound like a ****** stupid question
but where did that last thought come from?
Yes!
Yes what?
Yes, it was a ****** stupid question!

Teena though it very strange.
When she rang the dinner Triangle
the cat sat on the mat,
Salivating!
Curiouser and curiouser.
Conditioned response or learnt behaviour?
Teena dismissed the thought line,
she didn't ask ****** stupid questions.

It had no idea
about its status as a Mystery.
The Fourth-Side has issues.
Complicated issues.
It had somehow conspired
to tie itself in a knot.
And spacial isolation had become crowded.
Missing links everywhere, the sofa of time,
excommunicated integers, 1970's wallpaper,
it all floated about in spacial isolation.
Above all Fourth-Side was intensely agitated.
Couldn't anyone quieten that yapping puppy?




© Pagan Paul (06/11/18)
.
My psychedelic washing machine mind on spin cycle!

https://hellopoetry.com/collection/29495/strange-world/
.
He was lost in the spirited flow of a river,
Later  found himself in this lady's boudoir,
The circumstances to onlookers are little unclar,
But suffice to tell, in water things were quite  fluid,
The boudoir was hectic, he was more or less stuck.

Don't think he had any serious complaint about it,
Only hoped, this strange fact  be better explained.
Her kind of explanation was rather queer, he felt!

"There is nothing to be astonished, my dear
I'm an ace swimmer, and was present there
At the time of the incident, nothing more"
She mysteriously smiled, adding a dainty twist.

Well, a rescue mission, as we know is higly humanitarian,
There are more than what meets the eyes, in this situation.
He was of two minds, to remain there and to break loose,
Life in her boudoir, he feared would make him a libertine!
Outside Words Sep 2018
I was awoken from a dreamless sleep
     By a boy with short brown hair,
     Who, with an urgent stare,
Told me to head to the showers!

As my eyes creaked open to recognize,
     The orange glow of this unfamiliar room’s lighting,
     In front of me, in handwritten writing,
A page on the wall showed three in the morning.

When I glanced around a room of shared bunks,
     I saw all sorts of people and things,
     Running around with things to bring
To these showers I had yet to see.

In a winding line down a high ceiling’d hall,
     I stood with so many,
     Who like me, hadn’t any
Idea what was going on.

With a whirlwind flurry of commotion
     Steam crawled from the showers and water sprayed,
     As we were told in a big disarray,
To wash off the place from whence we came.

In a neat little stack, I was handed my clothes
     A tunic, with a sash
     And a captivating mask
To “celebrate our exciting return home.”

Down dark rustic stairways, I watched like a child
     The vibrant light and affinity,
     Radiating with enchanting divinity,
From the otherworldly people and creatures below.

Through that noisy, jolly crowd,
     We were led as a group
     And the boy said with a whoop
That we were all to stand up and dance.

His eyes glinting with excitement,
     The brown haired boy explained
     That our spirits would be ordained
Through a celebration of our inner light.

Onto the stage I was led
     As I stood with my class,
     Nervous amongst the mass
Of silent, numerous spirits before us.

As the boy hit the music
     I felt something from deep inside
     Rush out like a tide
And through tears of joy, I danced.

It was at that gleeful moment
     That my friends and I,
     Realizing we'd died,
Knew we'd returned to the forest.
© Outside Words
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