Inhale….
Take with this breath the people who you love
Exhale…
Release the problems that their putting on your heart
Inhale…
Picture yourself flying freely like a dove
Exhale…
And remove you’re thoughts of entrapment in the dark
Inhale…
Taking in all those you truly love
Exhale…
Free yourself from those who broke your heart
Inhale…
Taking in the warmth of lips touching while you hug…
Exhale…
Freeing thoughts of that one setting you down in the dark
Now Inhale…
Hold it… Hold it… Now Think…
“As I Exhale What Good Will be left here for me?”

It's the color of her eyes; the color of the sea. In both you could drown, or find God himself. It's the space between cities. Road signs & right turns, and the quiet determination to unravel in her arms. The sheets on her bed at 3am, where she whispers "I love you" and you've never been so sure of anything. The breath you exhale after you kiss her; it's the color of the blood pumping through your heart. The heart that she keeps beating. The heart that has her name written all over it. It's the heaviness in anticipation. The insatiable desire for a minute, just one minute. It is not the opposite of passion, like once suggested. It is passion itself. It is the sound of whispers. Her breath on your neck, and shivers down your spine. The color that fills in the weeks until you see her again. But most importantly, it will always be the color of her eyes. And it is no coincidence they are the color of the sea.

Inhale, exhale the summer air;
Squint your eyes, avoid the glare
Of a brilliantly blinding sun -
But miss it when the day’s done,
And of night’s coolness you’re aware.

Let chlorine infiltrate your hair;
Your heart its scent will soon ensnare,
And you won’t ever try to run…
Inhale, exhale.

You cannot help but stop and stare
At the stars when the night is fair;
And when you sleep, you see the sun.
The heat of the sand makes you run,
Your body abuzz from the scent of the air:
Inhale, exhale.

(the first time I accepted a cigarette, he had rolled it
himself, smiling gap-toothed and weary eyed,
naked on the porch.)

tomorrow, a homeless man downtown will *** a smoke
from a lonely drunk fellow who burned his divorce papers
the night before.

(I didn’t want to cough
but it hit like history
biased and bruised.)

thirty years ago my grandfather sat at a typewriter
surrounded in blue vapor waving my young mother in
to ask her what life was like and how he hoped she
wasn’t smoking.

(We wanted to look like a 40’s black and white film, but
there’s nothing
romantic about burnt fingers)

the homeless man chuckles as the drunk fellow
tells his story of burnt agreements and
the way the smoke smelled like his wife’s perfume
on another man’s jacket.
they sing the smokey song
inhale, exhale, laugh. inhale, exhale, sigh.
they shake hands, part ways.

(he laughs when I need
a full cup of water
to rid the webs from my lungs)

mama leans back in her chair
pulls a pack from her pocket
one left.
her father breathes and then it’s time to
sing the smokey song.
inhale, exhale, laugh.  inhale, exhale, sigh.

(I walk to the kitchen
worrying about splinters, black tar
oblivious to passing cars, fathers, the future.
Reach for incense so mother won’t know I’ve been singing the
smoky song, the one where breath resembles
gray satin ribbons,
the one where I
inhale, exhale, laugh. inhale, exhale, sigh.)

With withheld words as the only measurable distance between us, our knees touched, igniting a spark both of us feigned oblivion to. Inhale. Exhale. Passive-aggressively, you demanded my honest opinion, yet your eyes recoiled --the potential of rejection would split your perception into disjointed scraps. Eyes shining and lips sealed shut, I watched you wither under my gaze until you shook. You were a lamb; predictable, but endearing. And so clearly in love with me.

Unconditional --through my passionate debates, flared conscience and difficult persona, your hand never fared far from mine. When my eyes met yours; and our story was no longer of unrequited love. Two scared lovers scared of what this intense emotion implied. Afraid to take the next step, as if the distance extended from the moon to the stars. Inhale. Exhale.

But my eyes met yours. My mouth parted, forming words naturally clouding my mind in the darkest of nights, and the brightest of days. You feigned oblivion; you claimed these emotions are foreign, especially concerning me. The world darkened, and suddenly, I was no longer part of this unfamiliar environment.

Inhale.

Those words of thinly-veiled rejection underneath mass pity... suddenly, I'm the one shaking, similar to a single flower rebounding against raging storms. More than anything, I am blinded. You were the one constant in a life of variables, but unbeknownst to me, an irrational number with digits I never considered.

Inhale.

I questioned life.
I questioned my worth.
I questioned you.

Inhale.

The truth appeared peacefully. These doubts gnawing my mind were my own self-doubts. Amidst desperately inquiring those in yours, I forgot my own. A helpless ladybug, I lost myself in long blades of grass, sharp as the knives in a butcher's drawer.

Eyes closed, I remembered you. Simply.

Your words are thinly laced with regret, insecurity, and greatest of all, unbridled passion; your arms around my shoulders, those spontaneous compliments and the crooked smile, your soft eyes sparking at my presence... it screams denial.

Denial.
Denial.
Denial.

This isn't my denial. This is yours.

Exhale.

Inhale exhale
inhale exhale
inhale exhale*
       deep breaths in and deep breaths out.
inhale exhale
inhale hold in... Then let it go slowly
inhale exhale
inhale exhale
* inhale........

close your eyes…
let your light lids become heavy
like falling asleep in a bed of soft dreams.
quiet your mind with a deep inhale....
breathe with me, and hold for a simple moment
cleanse your mind with a firm exhale.
Focus purely on your breath. Breathe with me. (take three sets of deep breaths)
imagine no thoughts that bother you
ignore the noise that follows your foot steps,
the little buzzes of every day, like fruit flies orbiting succulent peaches
let the noise fly away like those flies, far away
Let go of those days where you find yourself worried…
there is nothing to hold onto that worries you.
you are a strong, magnificent, worry free energy,
clean and sparkling.
Relax,
Envision your mind as a porcelain sink,
and the drain in the center pulls all the noise away,
until there is nothingness, emptiness.
let the darkness behind your eyelids engulf you...
it is warm, it is inviting, it is loving
in this darkness...
there is light.
See and feel this ball of radiant light ripping through the black
that tickles your skin like pins and needles
the most beautiful light you’ve ever seen...
be humble...
this is your love
manifested into an image
that presents itself to you
to show you all the love that your heart holds
it beats into your blood,
your veins,
your energy,
every inch of your physical,
your mental,
your soul...
feel that smooooth, delicate love swim through every morsel of your being,
it gives us light... it gives us life.
...
Create an intention… what do you want most?
Or perhaps, what do you want to give?
What do you… as nobody else but yourself…
want to embody? (take a few moments to gather and intention)
take a deep inhale... (inhale)
upon exhaling, release this intention into the universe...
everything you give will come back.
Let this intention become an extension of yourself
this is you, and you are this.
Now this part of you, the gentle intention, is part of the universe.
and you…
are part of the universe.
thank the cosmos for caring about your mind, body, and spirit, and giving you
this galactic love as you release yours,
and the cycle continues on and on...
feel the warmth of love kiss you tenderly,
let it swallow you and hold you tightly, like a cosmic mother.

you’re an infant again... in the arms of something divine,
feeling pure bliss, like happiness is the only emotion that exists.
happiness becomes organic, it is the ultimate source of life...
happiness becomes the light, and combines itself with love,
making the most beautiful offspring of purity and salvation.

Inhale....
Exhale....

you are new, you are love
let it run like a tranquil river from every one of your pours
hear the liquid love follow the current of your mind’s creek..

hold your intention in your heart, and let it radiate
let yourself be light
let yourself be love.

inhale...
exhale...


© 2016 D.M.V

my breathing slows
  inhale
  exhale
as i try to figure out where i went wrong
  inhale
  exhale
while my brain spins every tragic tale of a love story broken
  inhale
  exhale
then it stops altogether
and it fades
  black

Slow exhales in close quarters,
release swirls of hot steam.
Calming notes of chamomile and mint bursting from my cup.

Eyes closed.

Filling me with a sense of security;
as if each breath out, breaks down my fatigue from the day
allowing me to wipe it away, as you would a mirror after a steamy shower.

Window cracked.

The pitter patter of rain as lightning illuminates the sky;
my feet encased by my fathers wool socks
buried deep beneath my covers searching for warmth.

Slow exhale.

& I sink deeper into my bed, detaching myself from reality,
erasing today's to-do list
trying desperately not to create tomorrows.

A long slow sip.

Clinging to its heat - begging it to stay,
reluctantly letting it dissipate from my tongue
as if it would help me unwind faster.

I close my eyes.

I see my Mothers warm radiant smile,
my Fathers soft caring eyes
& my two Brothers' inviting protective embrace.
Blessed, I am.

Slow exhale.

A crisp fresh breeze tickles my nose,
I feel my skin melt into my sheets;
welcoming relaxing rejuvenation.

Slow exhale...

magnified
the power of love is magnified by those who receive it
yet some souls that I've talked to have been deprived of this love
each breath they take involves a wheeze
they cry and ponder life and wonder
if there is more than this empty feeling
the feeling of sinking and going under
holding their breath hoping for relief
wishing for the privilege that other people have
the privilege to exhale
without feeling every emotion spring up
without shaking and crying on the floor
without wishing for a way out
in life there are two kinds of people
those who can't exhale
and those who can

It starts with the gentle rubbing of lips,
it suddenly gets too hot,
exhale; you moan just a little bit too...
inhale; you remember you need life...
exhale; it's a rhythm... you suddenly remember!

Within the second, I'm drawing you in by the edge of your skin.
God I love how soft your lips are.
deep into my mouth, me deep inside you;
you will not protest my moves; you just die in my arms.

Inhale... exhale... inhale...
So slowly and yet so intense
My breath now in your lungs,
as I feed you life, you're giving me what me need;
an escape, baby... an escape.
You crave it to, don't lie... I know you remember the rhythm...
Exhale... inhale... exhale

My teeth will do the work now...
I'll bite your lips till your fingers want to tear my skin.
Mmmm, that pain, NO! That fragrance, that perfume you're wearing;
leave it all over me for a few more days.

I can taste you now;
you're nothing but the simple perfection I need.
I want to be just that; hold me... I'm pulling you closer.
Let me be nothing but cling-wrap,
preserving you in the cold and breaking void.

I feel the creases in your lips, the folds, the scars;
I feel the missed moments, the forgotten words,
the misinterpreted lies and the minuscule truths you cried;
they never listened... I'm listening.

Let me mark your neck my territory,
let me hold your nourishing *****,
let me crave the tenderness of your skin,
Mmm... the smell your body makes,
as it sweats in my arms as I'm giving you my body.

Love me... Love me... Love me...
I want you to love me...
Let me want you to love me...
I need you to love me...

I love you... I love you so much...
Do you feel it in the breaths I give you?
I will drip in blood and life for you...
I love you stranger.

I don't know your name and I love you.
When we're done with this, I'll ask you what your name is.
We'll be friends then,
but first... Let me need you to love me.

shades of hues so dark, yet iridescent, lined the minimalistic realm during the era of the Grays.
each Gray wore gray clothes
ate gray food
thought gray thoughts
and could only think in terms of black and white… and gray.
there were no rules, simply because no one was unhappy with the way things were.
happiness was trivial;
trivial like a pale shade of pink managing to make its way into the spectrum of the Grays
or trivial like the way a Gray would see that pastel and disregard it entirely.
it did not exist.
happiness was trivial, smiles were trivial, balance was necessary.
balance, balance, balance.
order, order, order.
creativity did not exist.
creativity was not a word.
if a Gray’s words had no obvious meaning, they were disregarded, because they were incomprehensible. Words not in terms of black and white were seen as red, seen as blue, seen as green,
but never seen at all.
magnitude.
the magnitude of something’s potential depth was measured by their ability to disregard anything not pertinent to what a Gray should believe.
a Gray must be Gray, must be pensive, must be reserved.
a Gray must be tedious, must be timid, must be poised.
a Gray must be obedient, must be trusting, must be trusted.
a Gray must not see red, or blue, or yellow, or green, or purple, or indigo, or orange,
especially not cerulean or magenta or cyan or mauve or tangerine.
the Grays evolved from Whites, from Blacks
the degenerating masochists of times before
the Grays could not look down, nor up, nor in between, or sideways, or vertically, or around
they could not think what to possibly think of what these people before them may have thought about thinking and thoughts
and couldn’t bear to think about all of this thinking
so the Grays did not think about thinking
they lived for the sake of living
they breathed for the sake of inhaling, exhaling
inhale
exhale
inhale
exhale
inhale
­ exhale
but somewhere
somewhere in that Gray society
a young Gray began to breathe
exhale
inhale
exhale
inhale
and opened his eyes
his blue, blue eyes
and brought thoughts of color
to every Gray’s mind
lightened the world with light
opened the world to chance, to luck, to love
exposed the world to color, to beginnings and ends, to loss, and to destruction
and cried tears of red, of blue, of yellow, of green, of purple, of indigo, of orange,
       especially cerulean and magenta and cyan and mauve and tangerine
flooding the world with possibility
flooding the world with creativity.

There are times when the Lord will take from us every familiar thing and send all the others away to have us to Himself, uprooting and dismantling our earthly anchors until we find no safe place of attachment but to Him alone. And though we search feverishly to secure another, He will faithfully cut off our efforts at every pass and every attempted by-pass, almost as though we could see them being escorted out the door, marching one after the other in file and possibly taking our sanity with them. “No, not another one! Where are they all going and why am I not invited?” But it is His alone to give or not to give, to give and take away.

The One Who took up the cross and took the cup of the Father’s wrath for us has the absolute right to take anything and everything from us at any time for whatever reasons might please Him. But know this for certain: concerning His redeemed, those reasons will always involve two things—glory and intimacy. They are the overriding answers to every lingering question of “Why?”.

But if we fail to understand His glorious and intimate intentions we may misconstrue our losses to be a sign that He is actually withdrawing His affection from us. The very things which He is doing for love’s sake to perfect our pathway to intimacy might be taken instead for obstacles blocking it, causing us to doubt His love. We could not be more wrong, but sometimes it's so hard to see through the veil of pain.

For it's a strange and bewildering thing to feel that you belong to no place and no person in this world, to have nowhere to call home and no one to share it with if you did. A severe untethering indeed that though meant to prepare us for flying can seem to us more like drowning. The sobering truth is that none of us belong to this life or the things of this earth; all sense of it is only an illusion, and pain and loss are simply the dispelling of the myth—the rude awakening from a bewitching dream we once had. But oh how we fight the disillusionment.

Maybe we remember a time when we had prayed to be refined, to be made more like Jesus, but we didn’t know it would have to hurt so bad and take so long and look so dark and feel so lonely. Even if we have understood and embraced His call to deeper intimacy we may after a while, when nothing seems improved either around us or in us, start to resent our belonging to such a determined and jealous Lover, though He is doing exactly what we had once asked Him to. We may start to think we can no longer bear anything except that which superficially distracts us from our grief. We may even start to give up hope, for if not anchored exclusively “behind the curtain” and if repeatedly crushed it threatens to **** our hearts for good should we have to face one more disappointment.

We may feel very much like we are flailing around in a deep and darkening ocean, repeatedly pulled under by the powerful tow and thrashing waves of overwhelming emotion and continuously knocked back by the brutal winds of confusion. Yet we can still see the unshakable boat of faith and truth standing solidly only a small distance away. We know it is real and that if we could just reach it we would be safe. We hear someone shouting through the din, “Just hold onto the boat! The boat will save you. Look beyond your feelings and walk by faith. Hold onto truth!” But can’t they see that as hard as we may try we have no strength to swim to the boat? Can’t they see that we are sinking?

And so we are left with nothing but to cry out to Jesus, to cry out to Him to bring the boat to us, to come Himself and rescue us. Do we have that much faith? Enough to just say, “Jesus, help me! I’m drowning!”? Enough to see that He is our only hope and nothing else matters apart from Him?

Because when we do, we will understand that this hope in Him alone is the very lifeline by which He will pull us to safety—back to faith, back to truth, back into His intimate arms of love, back into a peace which passes all understanding and into a joy that gives us strength for the journey.

As difficult as it can be in our grief to hear the Lord whispering truth to our hearts above the constant clanging of our feelings, we must now more than ever choose to take the time to be still and seek our soul’s rest in Him and in His promises. But how amidst such clamor and confusion?

Simply decide to cast your cares on Him, if only for the moment, by climbing into His Shepherd’s lap to look and loiter and listen. And if you have no energy to climb up, then just lift your arms and ask Him to pick you up. And if you haven’t the strength even for that, only raise your eyes toward Him and you will soon find your sanity restored as you behold His love for you. Ask Him earnestly to let you see it afresh, for perhaps you have been temporarily blinded from recognizing it.

Stop everything; cease just for this minute from all worry, anxiety, fear and anger. Forget the past and do not look toward the future. Focus only on this moment right now, as if you knew it would be your last, as if it were the very one to lead you into eternity. Inhale like fresh air the powerful promises of God’s Word. Soak in their grace and drink in their healing, keeping your eyes fixed on Jesus’ face. Can you see Him longing for you? Exhale every distraction, conflict and uncertainty of this world. Then listen... What is He saying to you right now? Wait for it, then let your soul rest in it, and let go of everything else. Rest in the grace of this present moment and in His strong, sure arms. Let Him take care of you, wounded one, for you are His beloved, and He longs to tend your broken and needy heart.

Breathing is simple
Inhale, exhale.
Exhale, inhale.
However sometimes
it can become so difficult
and cause you to forget
but you,
you remind me how to breathe
how to keep breathing
how to not let go
how to keep fighting.
You are my reason
to try
to fight
to love.
To do everything
To do anything.
You are my reason.
You are my heart.
I love you.

The digital exhale
Pushing out
Content creation and idea regurgitation
Outfacing ideas, concepts
These things become the shell, the defined exterior of us
The fodder for perceptions
Of others
About us
We update, share, ideate and create
We post, pronounce and proclaim
We share with trite exclamations
Cute cats
And clever #hashtags
We spray forth our digital exhale
Hoping
Believing that we will be, become this feed
Of me
Until we are
Out
Of breath
And then
We must, gasping
Pause. Stop.
In the momentary emptiness of ourselves
The frightening hollow
Of our millisecond of solitude
Touches of singularity
Haunting, taunting us
With ourselves

Galaxies form in the smoke
They spin and dance in sun rays

I exhale again creating a new existance

The evil windows breeze scatters my creation

The universe is but a fleeting glimpse of reality
blown from the corners of our eyes

Fragile and delicate

Floating along in the hurricane of time

Destroyed and reborn in the spiritual ebb and flow

Exhale and spark a supernova

Inhale and swallow a black hole

We are all gods
The same god

Particles of everything that ever exsisted
on earth is in the air we breath

I am Earth
Earth is me

Earth created me
and i contribute to its future attributes

So i will exhale love
I will exhale hope
I will exhale heaven

I will just breathe

Un tissu dentelé, couleur rouge-sang, effleure ma peau et fait frissonner mon être.
Mon amant à l'autre bout du tissu devore ma peau de ses yeux et extasie mon existence.
Ne me touche pas de tes doigts.
Enveloppe mon vagin du tissu rouge et exhale ton souffle dans le creux de mes seins.
Mes lèvres sont pulpeuses à force de les mordre.
Le bout de mes seins sont saillants.
Mes poils se redressent pour s'aggriper à toi.
Je me perds.
Je me laisse aller.
Mon corps bouge imparablement. Il devient le tien.
Je m'abandonne à toi, les yeux fermés.
Je ne veux que sentir.
Tu m'enveloppes.
Tu poses ton coeur sur le mien et nos pulsations se synchronisent.
J'inhale. Tu inhales. Tu exhales. J'exhale.
On fusionne.
Plus. Encore. Davantage.
Plus. Encore. Davantage.
Plus. Encore. Davantage.
Plus. Encore. Davantage.
Petite mort.
Quiétude.
Sourire.
Assouvissement.
Étreinte.
Je t'aime.


---------------------


Lace cloth, blood red, touches my skin and quivers my being.
My lover on the other end of the cloth is devouring my skin with his eyes and rapturing my existence.
Don't let your fingers touch me.
Wrap the lace around my ****** and exhale your breath in between my *******.
My lips are pulpy, I bit them too much.
The tips of my ******* are protruding.
My little hairs straighten out to reach you.
I get lost.
I let myself go.
My body moves unstoppably . It becomes yours.
I abandon myself to you, my eyes closed.
I only want to feel.
You enfold me.
Your heart meets mine and our pulsations synchronize.
I inhale. You inhale. You exhale. I exhale.
We merge and blend.
More. Further. Anew.
More. Further. Anew.
More. Further. Anew.
More. Further. Anew.
Little death.
Quietude.
Smile.
Satisfaction.
Embrace.
I love you.



- LynnAA

The distant hollow of the high mountain pass
swallows the setting sun as it steals away southbound
behind the coastal mountain's tangerine sunset hued silhouettes
Mulberry plashed shadows pointing northward
across the evergreens outstretched dimming,
beneath the waning fade of each fleeting eventide

Sundown ebbing asunder the wafting daylight,
each gloaming of the day, helplessly a moment sooner past,
transfixed further south beyond yesterday's passing azure
The lazy days of summer escape unbounded,
nomadic as the sea I've seen sail away before;
evanescent as the beauty of the bloom summer days beheld
and the memory of the fragrance they exhale

The nebulous weight of the gravity is consciously denied
by the truths a human heart beholds
A moment’s epiphany afflicts like a rogue wave in a calm sea;
the only thing my heart ever wanted remains out of reach

Everything my heart needs consciously surrendering
to the poignant passing moment's beauty,
the falling sun at distance sets more suddenly now
Lost in the undeniable certainty
life's imminent season's change

Eyes drawn stubbornly from presence to a sky so far away,
knowing there'll be no restitution for the welling sense of loss...
A bitter sweet song mummers in the silence of the absorbing spell,
summer's sun stained pages of watermarked soul scribbles,
time tattooed reparation for the indelible ache
of a harsh grey winter loneliness

Perhaps too familiar, this whelming Déjà vu
that tears my soul;     that tugs at these roots
but cannot sever their sacred grasp
But for now, eyes fixed to the sun's
inevitable tightening tether hence —
to wear weary each fraying thread's  impending break

Each sunset leans a deeper angle southward
as it slips down through the firwood shadows;
illuminating other faraway latitudes
far beyond the distant horizon skies

The preordained continuum unfolding what will be ...


someone you used to know ... September 11, 2017 ... 7:30 PM

When I first saw you, you stood before me and I breathe you in.

I took a deep breath… blew out any fears and concerns, I breathe you in, innocently, care-freely and wholeheartedly.

You held my hand and I breathe you in. I blew out every memory of any other before you and I breathe you in innocently, care-freely, lovingly, and wholeheartedly.

You rubbed against me and I breathe you in. I blew out hot mist, letting go of any weakness. I breathe you in, innocently, care-freely, lovingly, completely and wholeheartedly.

You looked into my eyes, I stared into yours and I breathe you in. I blew out my wants and needs and breathe in yours, innocently, care-freely, lovingly, completely and wholeheartedly.

I felt your pain from miles and miles away. I could even smell the salt from the sea. I breathe you in innocently, care-freely, lovingly, completely, soulfully, wholeheartedly.

Never could two be more connected or so I thought.

Now, I stand here confused and alone with your soul and scent entwined in mine, I breathe you in, but now, I’m breathless.

I can’t breathe... Instead of oxygen, my lungs are filled with toxic carbon dioxide, yet, I breathe you in and your breath is mine, innocently, care-freely, lovingly, soulfully, and wholeheartedly.

In the end, it turns out, I was yours but you were never mine – I exhale.

The pain has control again-
like usual, there is no known cause for this chaos
no reason you can find in between my fingers
why the regurgitation inside of my throat
escapes like it's a secret barely kept.
The way I am currently is no secret-
though the reasoning behind it is one.
I am a smoking gun
and the only thing I ever aim at
is myself.
Some days I miss-
and the gun does not smoke
everything around me is clear
so I can see myself so much better.
But on most days the smoke
encases my lungs and steals
away every inch of oxygen
from the air around me
and I feel like I cannot breathe
my lungs inflate but I cannot breathe.
I am running around chasing air
that I am not sure even exists anymore
but I know it does,
I can see it all around me
as the breathing of others make me tick
as the rising and falling of chests
makes me feel so ******* nostalgic.
I run as fast as I can in their direction-
but we don't share the same air anymore.
See I am light years away just longing for their lungs.
The trigger finger has stopped pulling
and the smoke seems to fade.
But somehow I still can't breath.
Everything is fine-
but somehow I still can't breath
why the **** can't I breath anymore?
Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.
Why are things not changing for me
why are my lungs still crushed under the weight
of all this pressure on top of my shoulders.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.
Why am I crying over nothing again
why does life have it's hands around my throat
why can't I swallow these pills meant to fix me
and when I do why don't they work for me.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.
Why is this gun I hold still shooting if the barrel is empty-
why has this smoking gun left me empty
why are my lungs just decoration for a chest that is now empty.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.
Why am I sitting here crying over a vacant phone screen
and convincing myself of things that aren't even happening.
My shadow has ran away-
it is not capable of keeping up with me
it has found that we no longer share the same outline anymore
for I am just a skeleton, hollowed out and shedding skin
and it is a shape I used to find comfort in-
one I used to know well before my breathing stopped.
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
The words I no longer need-
who needs breathing with a chest full of nothing.

Out of all these poems I've written of love and longing,
Out of all these years searching in the sea of people,
I still yet to understand how it's possible to have words without a muse

I often wonder what it would be like to have a muse without words
I believe it would feel suffocating
As you choke on all the words you long to exhale within your next breath
For a poet to be trapped by words is to be trapped by passion

Sometimes my heart swells up so big it walks across a sea of words and sinks into the deepness of the waters
Lost among the clearer beats on land
An abnormality pushed away from love like an ancient curse buried in my skin
One day i'll make it learn to swim rather than let it sink and bathe in sin

The question still remains
Would it be better to have a muse and feel like drowning,
Or to have the the words to accompany the lonely?

Inhale,
Hold,
Exhale.

Watching the smoke billow from my parted lips.

Inhale,
Hold,
Exhale.

The cravings haunt me night and day.

Inhale,
Hold,
Exhale.

Oh, how easy it would be to get my hands on another.

Inhale,
Hold,
Exhale.

My head gets dizzy as my body goes numb.

Inhale,
Hold,
Exhale.

The cravings never go away.

Drop it,
Step it out,
Walk away.

I quit for you because I know you're worth it.

I wonder if God
    sees our numbered
breaths, how many
     have been & how
many are left,
millions of digits
    shifting above
our heads;
the old woman
 on the park bench
        with just 500 left. 
The jogger with 100
   between now &
        tonight when he
will exhale
     for a final time.
I should scale mountains,
         stare at the sun
  make my amount
  count, every last one.

A deep breath—I fill my lungs and close the airway. Submerge my face in a pillow and resolve myself to wait until my lungs burn—I await the pain. My senses screaming, my lungs driving me to let them have the oxygen they so desire—I decline. Funny how I chose that which offers peace to the weary, an item that invites comfort to rob myself of that most archaic means of surviving. I find it interesting how calm I feel while denying myself that which I know I cannot live without. Isn’t it odd how we only become aware of the subtle currents of air that tickle our skin, raising chill bumps where it finds us bare when we deny ourselves its luxury? Luxury. That’s an interesting way to phrase it really—Breathing as a luxury. A gift of power, smug in our abuse and neglect we fail to see what we loose when we breathe. Lying here refusing to give myself life—for that’s what air is really, and breathing is living. I laugh. Oh yes, I find it funny. I catch myself readying to breathe again and I still that notion. Shove it down; subdue it until it is nothing but a stinging memory in my chest. It takes a lot of strength to deny yourself to breathe. But somehow that only drives me to test that strength.
I wonder if I will forget how? Could the muscle memory that pilots such a necessary involuntary act be forgotten? No, of course not. But perhaps the feeling of fresh air full of life could be. Could it? Perhaps not. For even as these words find themselves onto this page I find myself remembering what it feels like to expand my lungs, for the blood to cool as it gathers its fill with oxygen as it travels on its wending cyclical way. I laugh again. The burn begins to spread and I feel my muscles atrophy. Yet they tighten and tense as if under assault, screaming at the atrocity wrought upon them. Though still I refuse to breathe.
I roll away from the pillow, open my face to the still air and feel it tickle as it tries to find a weakness. Denying my lungs for so long I begin to feel my skin breathing. Absorbing oxygen as cellular mitosis continues in spite of my flirtatious dance. Maybe I am just dreaming. I feel the fire subside. As if my body accepts its doom. “No breath for you,” I say. “No easy outs.” And resolve continues.
Amazing how long a person can go without breathing, pushing ever closer to that most primal fear—that of not being able to breathe. But I can. I feel my chest involuntarily expand, demanding the very thing I strenuously withhold. I know by that alone that I can breathe, I can live. But still not once do I begin to inhale the sweetness that I need. I want it now, but the primal is so enticing. After all, it is when we fear that we truly know what it is to live. That’s when we feel life. As if it were a tangible being that we’ve strapped to ourselves so that it won’t escape. I’ve set mine free. I’ve let go. Maybe it will return to me. Maybe it will leave me in my vain attempts to deny myself to continue fickly on to another. But which do it want--Perhaps neither, perhaps something more. Beyond breathing, beyond mere muscle memory, beyond what I cling to. The Pain returns.
I want to breathe. I want to live. I want to feel the rush as all my body awakens and revels in new existence--Rebirth. Its odd how something so ordinary can redefine a person, how something so obviously taken for granted and ignored can make us anew—a Renaissance of living, giving new life to life, helping life live. That’s just funny to say. My chest chuckles--I can’t laugh. I can’t breathe so how could I anyway? I smile. Vanity is alluring. I am vain. I deny that which defines life just to feel alive. Vanity, Luxury, Rebirth, Pain—such is the nature of my breathing, the archaic nature of involuntarily driven muscle memory.
Would I even know how to breathe if it wasn’t burned into the most ancient quadrants of my brain? I don’t even know the part that drives the muscle memory. Perhaps when people die there are a few lingering moments where their lungs contract like the twitching mouth of a decapitated fish, gulping at air to fill dead lungs. Maybe breathing is so primal that it doesn’t end with the rest of the body.
The burn has come. I can feel the fire inside my chest. I welcome its warmth, rubbing my hands over the radiating inferno as if I just came from the dead winter cold without the weathering to block out the chill. The warmth permeates through me. Would breathing feel better than this? Could it? I doubt. Only at the razor edge of life while teetering upon the precipice stealing insecure glances to the other side on the off chance that we may glimpse a greener field do we know what living really is.  So aren’t I living now more so than ever before? Whilst denying myself a breath, aren’t I more aware of what it means to be alive? I laugh. Denying yourself air only leads to an end. No, the end--Death. Yet I appreciate life more so dying than living. I deserve to die. Taking for granted that which is stolen from innocents daily. Innocent? Now that’s a peculiar ideal. They are the same. I wonder if they are aware that they breathe. That’s absurd, of course they are. How could they not be? ******* life, ******* air, but do they know what it means?
I feel my lungs contract again—Pain. That’s all it is now, but why? I know I can breathe, yet I choose not to. Is it the act of forcing myself not to take a fresh breath, or the fact that I have yet to do so that hurts? Maybe it’s because I now know what I’ve been doing all these years. At the brink I realize what it means to live. Was I living before? Yes, but I wasn’t alive. Interesting that, to live without being alive—sounds as if I’m hooked to a load of machines keeping me from decay. That’s all they do really. Awareness, that’s living. Breathing is merely the means. The end is being aware, awakened to the fact that an action which you can’t control is the only thing keeping your head above ground. After all, even when drowning the body wants to breathe.
I open my mouth. I lie to my body. I still fill my lungs with nothing but stubborn desire, desire to delay my breathing. I imagine what it will feel like to take that first breath—a Renaissance of living. I can feel the blood in my veins bubble in anticipation. My body wants to be alive. My heart can’t beat fast enough. Striking a furious pace it pumps my blood through my body spreading life and oxygen to every limb making me light headed and delirious with its purity.
I’ve decided. I’m going to breathe again. I’m going to live. And what’s more, I’m going to be alive.
My mouth still open, my lungs still closed, still screaming, still burning, still tightening in their involuntary way—breathing air that isn’t there, air that they know is there, available to them at their whim. I open my lungs.
I exhale. Now that is interesting. I’ve denied myself the life of breath until my lungs begin to pump out of sheer memory and longing for that which gives them purpose. Denied that which defines life, that which I want—that I need. And I exhale?!? Further delaying what my instinct has told me to take? How is that logical?
Air rushes into my lungs. Funny, I scarce expanded them at all. I feel the life rushing to my fingertips, to my toes, to my ears and eyes—to my kidneys even. I am alive. It’s funny though. Part of me feels like I’ve just died, like I’ve ceased to live. I laugh long and hard, throaty and merry and so brim full of life. I began to live again, became alive at the very instant I ceased to exist. And it is so funny.

He's standing next to me now.
Just close enough for me to hear each pounding beat of his heart and feel the breeze of his breath.
With each inhale he takes it feels like he's ******* the life right out of me.
I become breathless.
I'm gasping just waiting for him to exhale so I can finally breathe again.
With each exhale I'm relieved of the pressure in my chest as if he's manually pumping my blood through my veins with his hands.
With each exhale I feel the warmth of his breath.
It is sticky and hot,
but he has a way of sending chills down my spine as he whispers icy cold words down my neck.

Just seeing you there
made my breath catch in my throat.
But not in a good way,
in the way were I couldn't breath.
And that last breath might **** me.

inhale
exhale

My throat was closing up
I was gasping
trying to catch my breath.
I felt light headed
Like I was about to either pass out
or throw up.

inhale
exhale

I wanted to run away
and pretend I never felt
the things I felt for you.
I wanted to leave
so I could catch my breath again
to remember the feeling
of oxygen in my lungs
and to really be breathing.

inhale
exhale

But I had to stay strong
and soldier on
And pretend
the walls you put up
don't hurt me as much
as they really do.
And make it seem like the air
is easily passing through my lungs
as it is for you.

inhale
exhale

And I sit here and wonder
does this hurt you as much as it hurts me
then I remember,
no it doesn't.
You are fine.
And I am nothing more to you
then a stupid regret.

inhale
*exhale

Inhale

Ashes to ashes,
They fell down.
One long brown figer.
Shortened by a breath.

Inhale and exhale.

Breathe in,
Let it calm you.
Breathe out,
Damage is done.

None bearing children shall touch
None underage shall touch
Harmful yet pleasing
Relaxing yet breathtaking.

Inhale and exhale

The 6th finger shortens;
Half of it is gone.
Gaze around.
Feel the breeze.

I take it in
It runs through my systems
As its life shortens
So does mine.

Exhale

Ashes to ashes
We both will fall down
But I step on you,
You decayed before I did.

All the way to the end
It burns, burns, burns.
Crumbling, and crippling
as the ashes fall on your lap.
And you inhale with a smirk
and you exhale without gasp

I watch you take in the heated smoke
and I imagine how it passes through your lungs
gently caressing the inside of your body
just as I lay my fingertips on your back
and barely trace across you.

I try very hard not to stare at you
but it's almost impossible to keep my gaze
away from your radiant smile
and the way your mouth wraps around that cigarette

I feel almost embarrassed to be so intent
on watching such a small mannerism
but I'm overwhelmed by an intoxicating feeling,
a desire to learn every thing I can about you.

My face gets hot and I try and focus on something else
But it's so difficult not to look, so I stare at my shoes.
I feel like a child, overwhelmed and nervous
and my breath quickens
when your fingers wrap around my hand.

Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
Laughter. Conversation. Thoughts.
Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
The rhythm settles and ignites
just like that lighter you click
to start over again. A new cigarette.
A fresh start. To a new song.

Have you ever seen the sun rise?
Witnessed with your own two eyes?
Watching exactly how it went?
Not through someone else's photo captured moment
You'll really enjoy it more if you view it live
& you'll appreciate just being alive

I've watched the sun rise countless mornings
It's like my own private showings
Each one completely different in every way
& the best way to start any day
They're bright & beautiful
Breatakingly blissful

You'll never feel the same once you've experienced it
& so many will never understand the feeling you get
It's hard to explain but I'll do my best
I'd imagine it's like fresh air deepily inhaled into your chest
Your lungs fill up with all the freshness
& you exhale all that causes you stress

Your worries all just disappear
Your mind is calm & clear
It's a feeling that just forever stays
Until your dying days
Joy & happiness is all you release
It is what brings you inner peace

All you care to do now is enjoy everything
No matter the troubles & obstacles life may bring
A happy soul is all you've got & need
Your heart has compassion & optimism is what you bleed
Sharing your smile with all you pass or whoever you meet
That is your favorite way to say hello & greet

All from experiencing a live sun rise happen
That all may seem impossible to imagine
All that out of just a sun rising?
When it happens to you, it IS quite surprising
Shocking at first, you just can't believe how you feel
& you wonder how can this even be real?

If you allow yourself to let go of your worries & any doubt
Then you make room to clearly feel what it's about
You're allowing yourself to be vulnerable
& that's when you become more relatable
Clearing your clouded mind of opinions from useless chatter
Let's you finally enjoy what most may think or say doesn't really matter

Those are the ones who don't pay a lot of attention
& are afraid to get lost in their imagination
Never will they set a foot out of their "safe" box & risk crossing that thin line
It's OK, it's their loss & that's just fine
They'll just never understand your constant positive attitude
& can't recall a time you were even the slightest bit rude

They will never know how to just live happily
Inside their soul will be dying slowly
Some won't see how beautiful a sun rise really is
It's something no one should ever miss
A sun rise & even a sun set
Are too amazing to just forget!!

Memories of you haunt me
Visions of us together taunt me
Too bad it wasn't meant to be
You knew that all along so why
Didn't you just tell me?
Did you enjoy living the lie?

Inhale lies
Exhale pain
With bloodshot eyes
I scream your name

I cried
I couldn't breathe
I almost died
You wouldn't believe
The pain I felt because of you
When you said that we were through.

You were my drug injected under my skin
Everyday I fight to retain sanity
But I just can't win
Because my next fix will never be.
When we see each other you act like you don't know my name
Yet your memories still fill me with so much shame.

Inhale lies
Exhale pain
With bloodshot eyes
I scream your name.

Now no matter what you say
My pain will never go away
Throughout the years
I shed so many tears
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm sober because it's all over.

I inhaled your lies
And exhaled pain
My eyes are no longer bloodshot
Because now it's my name you can't forget.

Light the match,watch it burn
Hear the wood crackle as the wood burns awayHold the cigarette to your lips and light the end
Slowly inhale exhale the stress
Then watch the smoke disappear with your problems into the air