I've started a habit, I ignore the best of advice.
I see the gold but I can't reach out and grab it.
My chances lost, thrown away, life doesn't suffice anymore.
Just shouting at the god that has ****** me!!
**** it!! He strikes me, smites me, I can't fight back and he bites me.
Self belief burned and buried, self esteem shot down and slowly drowned.


The power I crave is unteachable, untouchable, unreachable and unbearable.
I have such foolish ambitions and desires.
Never to have greatness and my helpless soul is on fire.
Duck, drop and roll, send me to the poles to freeze, please!!
Reduced to begging, I'm a disgrace, you better take that ugly grin off your face.
I'll continue to flow It like a poet so that you feel my self loathing.


I turn on the TV and look at the news, It's not good apparently.
The whole world's becoming a zoo, It's so true.
And guess what! The sky's not even blue, It's red!!
No wait; thats just the pain in my head, pain from exaustion, or maybe just hunger.
Life's a mess.
I need to get this crippling weight off my chest, can you help me?


Force the world off my chest, then I'll carry it on my shoulders.
Gonna live like this until my fragmenting fragments are broken.

Pillows hold so many secrets.

There's the tear stained nights
and midnight chit chats.
There's whispers of regret
and sleepy heads.

Some turn to pillows from over exaustion
and others toss and turn with insomnia.
Drunken heads that have passed out
and ones that block out the bad with sleep.

Sleep talking, monolouges and bed time storys.
"Dont worry my darling it will all be okay"
Woes are spilt and soaked in
by our trusted pillows.

*If only they could talk, oh the secrets.

There once we're two princess
Fire and Ice
And in one another
They found their vice
And they decided
As goes the lore
To see which side
Would win a two-person war
So they met in the city
Right on the bay
And with a bow, crouch, and lunge
They started the day
They began in the capital
A grand skyscraper
By the end of the fight
There was only a crater
The ground quakes and split
So Fire jumped in
With her use of the magma
She was sure she would win
Then Ice jumped back
And in her dismay
Slipped into the waters
Of the capitol bay
She had an idea
Right then, very quick
She cooled down the bay
Into ice thirteen feet thick
And as the magma-ice storm
Raged on on that beach
The city and earth
Started to breach
By the end of the fight
Neither princess prevailed
No victory was won
No winner was hailed
The city was destroyed
And the bay, too
The fire, ice, and rubble
Left only a gravelly slough
The princesses both died
Of exaustion that night
For they thought the other's end
Proved their might
But when white meets black
It mixes in grey
Much like the fire and ice
And the water that day
For when two equal forces
Opposing collide
No one prevails
There are left no sides
Yin-yang turns to grey
When the world collides

.Friday the twenty seventh of October at twelve thirty nine PM

-I am getting worse day to day, meaning that I am sad again. Real sad. Try anti-depressants even though they don't work sad. It's funny that I use that word since really it's empty that I feel . . . Or maybe hopeless. Call it whatever you want.
The thing about it though- is that I don't know who to tell. Half of everyone I know can relate which means no one even cares. I'm guilty of the same thing. "Just keep pushing it'll pass." Right? I love my job, my relationship is good, and we're financially stable. Nothing in my life is going wrong so I can't pass the blame onto some little problem. I spent nine hours cleaning my house on Wednesday hoping that I would feel better. I slept all day Thursday hoping that I would feel better. I wrote it down today hoping that I would feel better, but I don't. I don't feel better. Who am I supposed to call about things like this?

Not my sister because she's run out of things to say. There are only so many times you can be sad for no actual reason and expect someone to say something new. I decline therapy. It's expensive and I don't want to talk about a bunch of things that I've already gotten over, and pills? What are pills? I've been down that road and then down even further for . . ? Nothing. For nothing.


So what am I supposed to do when I'm carrying boxes and suddenly want to hurt myself? I've never been a cutter. Never been a burner. I want the weirdest kinds of pain. I want to snap a rubber band on my wrist or bite myself until I bleed. Crazy **** that doesn't make any sense to me. I work out everyday. I drink water. I bathe. I eat.

Honestly I'm really high functioning. I don't really spend a lot of time talking to other humans anymore, but I can chalk that up to losing my super empath powers I guess. I call it independence but it could just be exaustion. I'm so tired of self diagnosing. I can tell you what's wrong with someone else in thirty seconds flat yet somehow my own sadness continuously baffles me.

I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm not going to **** myself or do something crazy. I used to cheat on my boyfriend or let someone hit me during ***, but I've grown out of that kind of stupid behavior. For awhile I was writing essays about how to get through what I'm going through which were awesome for a lot of people but don't help me at all

Maybe I'm doomed to save everyone in the world other than myself. That would make sense since there's nothing I can do about my condition. If that's what I want to call it. So I guess maybe I'm just having a bad time.
I'm sure it will pass soon.

It feels like a waiting game,

there is just,

nothing,

we are all born with a noose around our neck,

the rope woven with exaustion and the monotonous blanket that engulfed us after turning twenty five,

it's pulling us closer to the enevitable - that

nothing,

we are benevolant in it's arms!



What are we doing here?

what are we achieving?

What is the point!

the sheer unimportance of us as a person,

is omnipresent in my mind and i can't cope.



Why do we compete like this to survive,

to fill ourseleves with pretty trials and challenges,

why do we love when it will only lead to heart break?

Why do we awaken when we will only sleep again?

Why do we live just to put off the

nothing.

The  modern slave  

We al stand and cheer with every  life we see always helping others and making sure love and life  comes to all those who wait.  Live is life is everything but hope is hard to find  while the man walks down a ragged road earning every penny  pushing his  hands down the  ***** pit  of life.
A woman walks into the despair of  work and sees  a  life of slavery in every respect  working for a poor wage and down by a manager that loves ttheri money and power of sitting and thowing their hands about  and mouth opens uttering words  of of anger   and hate.  the woman works her  shift  and  and falls onto a   bed of exaustion abd ready for  night to end and day to begin  another  miserable  pit of salve  at the  shop of hell.
A couple walk in  to the  hell of  hope and look around with their gold rings and  smile of  greed while they look around at the poor souls  of despair working  for a  whip of  greed. The couple  walks towards their  big limousine  and thow the odd change at the beggar across the road and inot  the car back to their manson of love and money of cold to sit back and laugh at the worlds misfortune  of life.

produced and written by wayne mockler
copyright wayne mocker

Depression means darkness
Depression means exaustion to no end
Depression means pressure to hide it
Depression means to eat to comfort myself
Depression means sleepless nights
Depression means sleepful days
Depression means sadness
Depression means isolation
Depression means people will overpity you because of it
Depession means nothing can help me but me