Osas, there's a certain darkness in me. I can't explain it, but I don't curse the darkness, because it's where we found each other. After I found you, I stopped searching for rainbows in the far reaches of the sky, you were my sunshine. You cast away my troubles and wrestled my demons.
You always said that being whole is overrated; it's the holes that make us beautiful. You made me feel beautiful. Even though the beautiful moments we once had are slowly fading, turning from vivid to grey. I can still feel your palm, gentle on my blushing cheek, stroking my hair, tucking every curly strand behind my ear. The same ear you'd whisper a bouquet of wonderful words into.
I am not a ******, I am not a viscous erupting volcano, I am not fire. I am the phoenix that rose out of the flames you lit. The same fire you came running into, but while trying to save me, you forgot to save yourself.
You were the erupting volcano. You were vicious and violent. You were a deadly collection of everything vile. You were hot and cold, you were yes and no. Did you even love me at all? I guess I will never really know.
I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I wrote that last paragraph. I know you loved me dearly. I'm only scraping for a reason to hate you; to cleanse my conscience. I feel so stupid right now. I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about that night. The error of my deed still haunts me. The least I can do is to keep writing you back to life, back into my arms.
I got 25 years; I'll be out of here just in time for menopause. I never cared much about having unruly, noisy, silly little babies running riot, leaving a trail of ****, puke and toy cars lying around. But I cared about you. Though the wonderful times we had is becoming a long lost distant memory, I still care about you.
We were of the same form, you and I. Passionately understanding each other's darkness. You knew how fragile my heart and mind was, yet you broke both. I was crazy in love with you, you took away the love and left me plain crazy.
I have lost myself. Maybe if I dig deeper, I'd discover an avalanche of emotions still buried in me. Sandwiched between my ice-cold heart and the poisonous blood coursing through my veins. The same veins I want to expose to the spirits in the wind, and as my blood pours on this cold concrete like leaves on a forest floor - I would be at peace. I hope to find peace in death, for death is not a pit but a ladder; an ascension to another realm. And in that realm I hope to find you, to explain to you why I did it - Why I pushed you off the balcony.
I couldn't look you in the face anymore. You disgusted me! I saw you with her at the office party. Yes, I saw you! Even though you claimed she seduced you. I still saw you! I can't get that horrid image out of my head. It was in that moment I knew I couldn't live another day hearing you tell me another lie.
I got a blade today, from a lady in the shower. After I let her touch me in all the right places, still it felt so wrong. You have no idea how hard it is to find even the simplest sharp object in here. Body cavity searches, routine cell shakedowns, constant reminders that I have and I am nothing. At least she was gentle; Aunty Julianna was never gentle whenever she touched me in the bathroom stall.
Nothing, and no one, can make me whole again. I feel bitter, sad and shattered. Even mirrors no longer lie to me. I see myself for what I am now - a monster.
"I have to do this, this is the only way." I calmly reassure myself, while clutching the jagged blade, slowly pressing it against my deathly pale skin.
"Calm down Adesuwa, don't slit your wrist just yet." A voice echoed from the corner of my dark cell. Your voice. But still I didn’t believe.
"Is that you Osas?" I whispered. "Have you come to forgive me or have you come for retribution?"
"Here's your lunch." said the prison guard, before spotting the blade and sounding the alarm. I was on my belly before I could say a word, my arm bent behind me, my fingers pried open, my ladder gone.
Another day. I guess I’ll die another day.