oh god, oh god! that dump felt: just about as good as a zeppelin droping bombs over london... i managed to feel a vindaloo up my **** at the end of it! magic.

ever heard of huskies?
                                                                             no?
        my godmother is a huskie...
she's a doctor, she sometimes didn't shave
her legs: or that was my initial bewilderment
when i was playing video games
i.e. *porsche challenge on PS1...
and that's donkey's years ago...
        but she was a huskie...
                       she was a woman with a deep
voice...
                  but this is in another culture
and i'm sitting here, watching western culture
and thinking: well **** me! no problem
with the genital removals...
   but who the **** is going to reconstruct your
jaw-line?
                you can't fake a femenine jaw
from a man's jaw... nor the hands...
     that's why i sometimes think my **** is
tiny... but then i can hold a basketball in one hand,
that means: pick it up with one hand...
   that's why i always said... the sexiest part
of a woman's body? her hand(s).
           i can't believe i'm going to name these
people, but given my godmother's husky voice
i think i should... on a matter of principle:
and yeah, i sometimes speak like i've been castrated,
even though i smoke tobacco my voice should
be deep... all the time... i sometimes resonate:
like an angel... when i'm being pretty pretty, nice;
   how the **** are you going to reconstruct
the jaw so that i don't think you are?
                      self-conscious about your larynx?
that's not even sad, that's prompt for: me being
inquisitive... given my godmother (the doctor)
who spoke like she spoke...
                                 em... chloe arden?
    what the **** is this huskie playing at?
               blaire white... oh 'ere we go, another huskie...
i'm not laughing... you look into those eyes
and you know something is a "tad" bit iffy...
            i get it... you think you sound like a "man"
sometimes... and i get it: i sometimes sound like
i've been licked in the ***** by a karate kick...
    and that has happened to me one...
            i was doing this course in some specific
interest area... and i was signalled out
  because i wasn't shouting when i was moving forward
doing kick! chop! kick! chop! ha! ya(h)!
                    sensai was away, and this white geek
took over the class... he said: you have to shout
while moving! i was like: no...
           what the hell does he do? kicks me in the *****...
clap clap... well done you ******* ******.
          you don't do that sort of thing in boxing
for ****'s sake... that's a no go zone...
             if he even gained a black belt in the art...
he'd be excomunnicated there and then...
                             you a ******* woman or something?
*****.
                 yeah, i realised that, i have this delay
button... something happened to me 15 years ago
and i'm only writing about it now... it's a bit like Proust
on stereoids... i'm not gay enough to remember
eating: that "special" macaroon.
   like i said:
         these girls are huskies...
                         i know because my godmother
is a husky...
                               it's self-consciousness in the extreme...
get kicked in the ***** and you'll start wearing
post- / anti- transgender spectacles...
        no matter what you tell me... that jaw line and
those plump cheeks with the missing cheek bones
that's characteristic of women... mmm...
             you have a better magic trick? 'cos'
this one isn't working on me (ref. the two stated examples);
o.k., and my godmother.

The realness i preach should not be discarded
dont frown and scroll down,but this piece should be regarded
regarded because this ain’t no tutorial
because those who get to know this are in memorial

being real isn’t based on the fact that you are a gentleman
no,it is based on the fact that in private you can still be a gentleman
unrealness circulates and is round ike a tyre tube
and there is no tutorial on realness on you tube

unreal things become more attractive to us
we try to be who we see on tv instead of the real us
realness is making your natural hair and droping the wig
realness is walking away from a fight with a punch to swing

so are those eye brows,fingernails and hair real?
or does the chains,gun in your back pocket and tatoo make you real?
realness is when you stick to a friend in times of trouble
realness is when you shelter the man on the streets when the thunder rumbles

so i say to all you ladies;love yourselves even if nobody does
this is why you do not belive when you are told you’re beautiful,after a heart break
realness is when you delete the term ‘excuse’ and the word “because”
realness is when a white kid shares food with a black kid during a lunch break

so you think you are real because you can read a lie”manifesto”to people
win the elections and not do ****,not even see us as equals
realness is when you are friends with the opposite *** and dont complicate it
realness is when you work hard and the critics critisise but you still work at it

so dream big but when you make it dont forget to still be real
we strugle to be who we aren’t instead of being ourselves,what an irony
so dont try to be a model because you’re not,and a model is an imitation of what is real
and realness isnt having money but having money that is real(through straight means)

realness is when christians can live freely in islamic countries
and black men can walk freely in white countries
realness is when you work hard,make it and help your community
realnesss is when you dream of changing the world but starting with your viscinity

you drawing breath and being physicall dosn’t make you real
and saying she wants to be just friends shouldnt change how you feel if you are real
these things i write are aimed to the world to teach
so i say R.I.P because it’s the Realness I Preach

1 week ago
BAD *******


so you say you’re a bad ***** huh
so you prefer to be identified by bad ***** instead of ur real name huh
so you prefer to be valued by money instead of your worth
so you are a bad *****,i ain’t tryna judge you,this ain’t no court

the term “bad *****” can’t end you up as a wife
those instagram pictures wont work,you can’t put a filter on life
you were born original,now you chose to live as a copy
look colourful on the outside but your life is sloppy

the beauty of having beauty is a lot more than being beautiful
the path to life you follow isnt geting any where meaningful
so you say”love *****,i chase paper”*** to you love is just a verb
no cure for your attitude so you take drugs and herbs(****)

anything that has a monetary value is worthless
you used to value more but the tag”bad *****”made you less
you are now defined by pictures of you kissing the air,
exposing you ***** and *** looking for the next prey on facebook or instgram

we follow our dreams but a responsible man wont follow a”bad *****” on twitter
so you can say,you are not any responsible man’s dream
be a bad ***** all your youth and when old a baby sitter?
you raise the stakes for yourself and still cant cross the beam

life is not rosy and even if it is,roses have thorns
those things you do will hunt you,they’ll come with horns
lipsticks,eyelashes,short gowns,expensive wrist watches and purses
money first and then back on the ground,now thats a curse

bad ******* exist amongst us,they are our friends on facebook
"*******"sounds bizzare so she says shez a "bad *****"
the person you are still searches for the person you should be
and i hope youre eyes dont remain shut for you to see

and the younger girs see you and want to be like you
they want to dress all thight and paint their faces like you
no one wants to be like margareth thatcher
they all wanna be nickky minaj

these days there are more bad ******* than wives
and to responsible men it’s like stabs from 100 knives
because a bad ***** will follow men
but a lady will cling to a man

and if you say youre a bad ***** and you need no man
tell that to yourself when you turn 40
a lady isnt defined by how bad or ****** she is but how elegant and classy she is
a bad ***** is pretty but the beauty of a lady is defining

so choose today to be a lady and start the change for our generation!#thepoet

I'm a one man army
Running solo cold like the polo
Oh no don't test me ***
**** you slow in a choke hold
Alone droping like a one ton stone
Please check yo mouth
You barking loud?
Leave you dead in the crowd
Like a one hit wonder
Striking down like thunder
Left dead six feet under
So don't mention my name
You can keep all the fame
I'm in the game, with only one aim
To shower down like rain
So everything's getting hit & wet
Now you know what to expect
Shout outz to my nut dweller
Spit you *** out like acapella
Placing you on your knees
Duct tape thick rope no hope
At ease tough mind no sweating
Drilling killing blood spilling
Ripping gripping blood dripping
Torture I introduce my culture
Tie your arms and legs
It's too late to beg
When I'm cutting off both legs
And your arms
They will soon be disarmed
I'm sorry I didn't mean no harm
But I felt threatened
Almost taken, surely mistaken
Keep this in mind
You'll be left behind
What a shameful crime
It's time for coronas & lime
At last, just a thing in the past
I never intended for problems
But it's the only way
I could solve them, toss them
Now I lost them...

Another day and they say "it's a new beginning"
But is it really, it feels more like an ending
An ending of time
In a life that doesn't rhyme

An unending march into the uncertain
Like the droping of life's curtain
Another day closer to the end
But I'm still waiting on my life to begin

I'm tired of this life's storyline
I want a different out come this time
I want happy, not sad
I want the good, not the bad

But there is no off ramp
Sadness leaving it's tattooed stamp
An uneasy feel of being a ***** lost *****
Meanwhile life just goes on like a vamp

Over and over the same music plays
A sorrowful song, for long anguished days
But I want a change in the beat
An uplifting melody to get me on my feet

Will you be my new rhythm
An escape from my prison
Are you my golden key
Will you try to set me free

Will you hold me tight
When I'm a sad sorry sight
There is no cure for my depression
But will you help the darkness lessen

Or will you run for the hills
Jump in the sea and grow gills
Just to get away
From a disease you can not sway

As the darkness continues devouring
Will you leave me here cowering
Slowly choking down another toxic pill
Till this clock like heart's hands stand still

©Pauline Russell

Another day and they say "it's a new begaining"
But is it really, it feels more like an ending
An ending of time
In a life that doesn't rhyme

An unending march to the uncertain
Like the droping of life's stage curtain
Another day closer to the end
But I'm still waiting on my life to begin

I'm tired of this life's storyline
I want a different out come this time
I want happy, not sad
I want the good, not the bad

But there is no off ramp
And my disease leaves it stamp
I feel like a lost ***** *****
And my life just goes on like a vamp

Over and over the same music plays
A sorrowful song, for long anguished days
But I want a change in the beat
An uplifting melody to get me on my feet

Will you be my new rhythm
An escape from my prison
Are you my golden key
Will you try to set me free

Will you hold me tight
When I'm a sad sorry sight
There is no cure from my depression
But will you help the darkness lessen

Or will you run for the hills
Or jump in the sea and grow gills
Just to get away
From a disease you can not sway

And leave me counting the days
Till this clock like heart's hands stand still
And in death will I finally feel real?

Hey the one for me, if you're out there
Just wanted to say I'm tired of waiting
You might not realize how much I care
And soon droping levels to despairing

If you are on foot somewhere walking
Please I think It's time to run or drive
Yeah, I'm tired of hearing others talking
That surely someday soon you'll arrive

My heart is too busy fighting to find peace
And my poor Soul's caught in the cross fire
My cracked lips long for a drop of a kiss
They're dried by the sun of hopeless desire

So if you're driving to reach here someday
Grow wings and fly to make today the day

recently
ive been feeling
alone
and not just the lonley
where your lacking a person
or a presence
an alone where you cant feel anything
and it feels like your stomach
is droping from the top of a rollercoaster
and it is because of you

you, you, you, you, everyone

and i hate it. i cannot change it

i have no control
and i like having control
over my own emotions
i cannot feel anything
my brain
is in a soft fuzzy blanket
i cannot feel
my stomach
the acid burns it numb
and my heart
it has stopped
dead in my throat
my eyes
have become blind
by the boiling aogny flowing out
my mouth
the words gushing out
cut it, emotions choking me

i long
to not be able to feel
because numbness
is

  forever


          agony

Another day and they say "it's a new begaining"
But is it really, it feels more like an ending
An ending of time
In a life that doesn't rhyme

An unending march to the uncertain
Like the droping of life's stage curtain
Another day closer to the end
But I'm still waiting on my life to begin

I'm tired of this life's storyline
I want a different out come this time
I want happy, not sad
I want the good, not the bad

But there is no off ramp
And my disease leaves it stamp
I feel like a lost ***** *****
And my life just goes on like a vamp

Over and over the same music plays
A sorrowful song, for long anguished days
But I want a change in the beat
An uplifting melody to get me on my feet

Will you be my new rhythm
An escape from my prison
Are you my golden key
Will you try to set me free

Will you hold me tight
When I'm a sad sorry sight
There is no cure from my depression
But will you help the darkness lessen

Or will you run for the hills
Or jump in the sea and grow gills
Just to get away
From a disease you can not sway

And leave me counting the days
Till this clock like heart's hands stand still
And in death will I finally feel real?

Lurking for me in the shadows of despair
I see no strenght in my spirit, cracking again
Loud noises bring me eternal softness laying between you and the void
Droping tear, licking blood, making me want nothing
Then come back for more
Seeing you can’t help
Absorbing your glances and that makes me capable of escaping this hole of bones
I can break them now
Scattering them through the silence of my echo
Illusion running through my veins, filled with cinnamon and grapes.
You owe me grass of open locks
Right before I became a prisoner in a coma

Time has not given me a truce.
I wonder when was the last time I said pretty things?
All these awful things destroy me to the bottom.
I has been droping tears on the floor waiting that I feel all again.
I see your photos on parties with all your friends.
They used to be mine too.
I check my phone and nothing new but I look one more time.
I´m useless,no one is there.
I´m alone.
It's so obvious how much I need attention.
I´ll fit this.
I´m dancing and laughing,
I dance very badly,
I have wear my best dress,
A red lipstick in my lips
And I spent hours looking at myself in front of the mirror.
This my time.
Just me.
Talking about myself.
Writing about it.
I´m pride talking I´m pretty .
No one can drag me down today.

- V.