"dickhead" poems
Big **** The Head ********
was the head of all the ********* in the ******** Shed.
What made Big **** so skilled and keen
at dickheadedness was to be seen.
Big **** had a certain ******* flair,
for tugging at everyone's short and curly hair.
He never had an important specialty,
except for being a type-A personality.
His skills were near to nothing great.
He kinda looked like a backward ape,
with a necktie 20 years gone out of style,
and his middle-management bullshitty wiles;
"I'm better than any ******** here!"
He'd proclaim everyday with a prickish sneer.
So they put him on his own cocky shelf,
where he could reign all by himself,
and every ******** ***** or asshole-wanna-be,
would come to the ******** Shed just to see,
what they could achieve if they'd observe instead,
the ways and means of Big **** The Head ********
___________
Dedicated to every single uptight, middle-management, pain in the ****
you have ever had to work with or for.
Aug 8, 2010
Aug 8, 2010 at 1:07 PM UTC
I’m a fool
I’m stupid
A ********
This is what
Being a nice guy is
Always waiting
For the right moment
For the right place
That never came.
Yeah, I’m a fool
Letting her go.
May 29, 2012
May 29, 2012 at 12:03 PM UTC
*This is one of the racier "Memories" poems by the great Barry Hodges, my alter ego.
It might well make you come involuntarily in your ******
How happy was I once with the wind in my hair
Wandering o'er the dales with joyousness unmeasur'd,
In the sweet long passed innocent days of platonic love
When stolen gropes and kiss were to be treasured.
But all good and true things come to a sad close
And my poor first love lies in her grave so sorrowfully
Having been crushed to death by a runaway steamroller
Before I managed to go all the way quite thoroughly.
What a waste of delightful teenage flesh was that
Yet perhaps I had a narrow escape from the derangement
Which might have been mine had our trysting
Led to a semi-permanent matrimonial arrangement.
For I recall one afternoon in the old ABC cinema
In the delighful Yorkshire spa town of Harrogate,
Sitting next to my gorgeous love in the back row,
Exploring her not so very private parts on a hot date.
How I cursed the management's niggardly folly
In not showing a film with hot romantic blood
But saving pathetic pennies by putting on
Daffy ******** Duck and Elmer ******* Fudd.
But yet I perserved with my digital explorations
Unaware that the throbs my fingers felt were no dream
But darling Elsie laughing like a proverbial drain
At Daffy's hilarious anatine adventures on-screen.
'Twas then I began to wonder about the viscous liquid
I had hitherto imagined was Elsie's lovejuice flowing
*(dear, dear reader, cease your perusal of my tale forthwith
if you are of a nervous disposition or prone to food up-throwing)*.
It was only a careful examination of my sopping knuckles
In the dimly lit gents after old Daffy's film was done and dusted
Which revealed that my dearly beloved had leaked
Big time out of both ends, leaving my fingers well encrusted.
O to think that, but for Daffy, I might have been lumbered
With a different kind of bird for whom double incontinence
Was a way of life (thus, the fatal steamroller she encountered
The very next day was a blessing from kindly Providence).
Aug 16, 2015
Aug 16, 2015 at 5:07 PM UTC
Dear Minimalist,
Dear Belittler,
Dear Soulless Ginger,
Dear Stupid,
because I know you hate being called that.
Dear ****
Dear Liar,
Dear Sexist,
Dear Racist,
you typical stereotyper.
Dear *******
Dear ********
Dear ********
Dear Douche-Dick,
Dear ********
Dear ********
Dear ******
**** you.
Mar 2, 2014
Mar 2, 2014 at 1:25 AM UTC
We seem to gravitate towards coffee shops, even those who don't like hot beverages find themselves there. I suppose it's a good place to let go your baggage. Lose yourself for five minutes. Loosen up and unwind. That's hard to do even on a good day. The world always has an agenda that needs seeing to. Rather selfish of the Earth to be honest, and quite damaging to your self worth. You can't be at it's beck and call 24/7. But we try to, dear God do we try. Of course this leads to us burning up rather spectacularly. Giving, worrying, stressing, doing. Until we are left smoking, steam rising like a freshly made coffee. But nothing is fresh here. Burnt coffee. Unusable. No longer capable of the great feats we once were. Like the world had chewed us up and spit us out when we're no longer useful. What a ******** But what can you do to stop a ******** Not much as they are inheritly selfish - deep down in their very core, nothing but molten arrogance, festering beneath their skin this sense of entitlement. That is what it is. You can't change the world from what it is. Just as much as you can not change who you are. So take five minutes and go to a coffee shop. Lose yourself in a hot beverage. Watch the steam rise and be thankful it isn't yours.
Jul 30, 2015
Jul 30, 2015 at 3:41 AM UTC
If only you’d done the washing up
I wouldn’t be slamming plates into the sink
Half sobbing
Half seething
Stubbornly burning my hands on water that’s too hot
Angrily scrubbing at three day old tomato sauce
And bits of chips and jumbo sausage that have welded themselves to the plate
If only you’d done the washing up
We could have *** later
But we can’t now
Because I’ll be too tired and bitter after doing the washing up
Again
Do you think I like washing up?
Don’t you think I’d rather be sitting on the sofa
Watching crap on the telly
Safe in the knowledge that the sink is empty
The plughole is clean
And the worktops are sparkling
I bet Beyonce doesn’t have to do the washing up
I bet she has a dishwasher
If only you’d done the washing up
You wouldn’t need to call me childish
For getting worked up over something as silly as the washing up
And I wouldn’t be standing here wondering
If you’ll ever really get it
“It’s only the washing up” you say
Exactly
So just ****** well do it next time
********
Dec 9, 2012
Dec 9, 2012 at 11:58 AM UTC
Congratulations another consecutive win
******** central made it clear
You're the biggest family of ********* every year
There is no rival that can compare
Sponging off us and can't see
The burden we bare
Well the cost of your unbeaten record consumes us
while your respect is something refused us.
our dignity is intact never stooped as low to air the trash talk
We'd rather hold our heads high and walk.
But the ********* of the year can enjoy paying rent
because this finance bubble debt needs a good dent
dont worry I know youll all object,
with the usual ******** excuses to that effect
but when we asked for assistance which you had the ease of doing
you said no, get someone else and audaciously bunked right in.
Go live in rip off ********* home theyve got a big roof.
I should know i paid for it
I expect more crap but I hear ********* of the year is up for grabs!
Go for it! I'm sure youll win
Regards from the newly crowned,
******* ***** of the year.
Nov 30, 2013
Nov 30, 2013 at 2:30 AM UTC
My dear,
You don't even know
How much my thoughts are
Painted
With you.
********
Jun 7, 2015
Jun 7, 2015 at 3:26 PM UTC
well i'm not good at math, so i guess i'm not smart
and i don't care about you, so i don't have a heart
your perception is off, but what else would you expect
from a person who tries to simplify all that is complex
like race and gender, it's not like you think, it's not set in stone
and the stereotypes that you speak chill me to the bone
"not be racist but" is not a way to start a sentence
there's no "buts" in racism, could you show some repentance?
well, not to be racist, but white people are *****
and not to be sexist, but all men are ******
and i'm getting tired of all of your ignorance
how does it feel to be full of intolerance?
you see the world through one narrow view
has anyone told you that you haven't got a clue?
you can't put people in boxes, we are so much more
we're filled with infinities that simply won't fit in a drawer
each mind is a galaxy, well, i guess maybe not yours
and you're so afraid of what you don't know
so get out of this world, i think it's time you go
because no one likes racists, ********** or jerks
being a ******** won't get you any perks
it's about the heart, not about the face
we're all a part of one single human race.
Nov 10, 2013
Nov 10, 2013 at 11:24 PM UTC
Do we really need
To remind each other of
Kindergarten rules?
Treat others how you
Want to be treated; there is
Nothing more simple.
Do I need to make
This concept slightly clearer?
Don't be a ********
Apr 8, 2014
Apr 8, 2014 at 7:33 PM UTC
A is for ******** we all know a few
B is for ******** they talk to you
C is for can't which really means won't
D is for ******** arseholes best friend
E is for Ego and yours is huge
F is for **** it, you know how it goes
G is for good you're struggling to find
H is for help we need it sometimes
I is for ignorant and so many are
J is for joy and seldom these days
K is for kids, Dont read this page!
L is for lover, I need a new one
M is for ****** we've all hatched a plan
N is for never or at least not now
O is for optomist, as you never know
P is for power a dangerous thing
Q is for quiet, there is none here
R is for random, like this little verse
S is for shity, a day spent at work
T is for time, never enough
U is for useless, you never are
V is for ****** your having a laugh
W is for wages, gone in a flash
X is for xbox a plague on the brain
Y is for you, I missed you today
Z is for zombie as its 0130
And I can't ****** sleep so I wrote a crap verse!
Sep 29, 2013
Sep 29, 2013 at 8:36 PM UTC
/// • |
<>
\
\____________________)
/\ /\
••
She dreamed of a boy to love
The boys ( who were awake )
wondered what she was doing
When they found out they blushed in shame
////
So much energy going nowhere !
Oh yeah !
THAT'S THE PLAN !
///
**** - mo and ******** sat watching the
carpet - bombing on television
Then they started *******
•
A glorious time was had by all
Sep 15, 2014
Sep 15, 2014 at 3:17 PM UTC
Hey,
You're an ******* Darkness in my heartplace.
You think that property's for rent, mon frere?
It's ******* not, you ***** Get out of there.
If you smear your **** on the walls again, I swear.
I say it like it is. You're a ******** **** you.
Merde.
E.Poe
Feb 2014
Feb 19, 2014
Feb 19, 2014 at 11:05 PM UTC
‘Hiya baby, I’m sorry I was a ********
I don’t mean to make excuses but I’ve been so tired lately’,
With a tear in his eye that was what he had said,
Praying it was enough for her to forgive him greatly,
But she didn’t want to be hurt anymore,
With head against his shoulder, caring.
She said her mind was at ****** war,
A fight that she was finding so unbaring,
His heart, in pieces, on the floor shattered,
Unable to love himself he found all his happiness in her.
She was the only thing that mattered.
May 27, 2018
May 27, 2018 at 6:58 PM UTC
Alright fella, how’s you mate?
Just heard back from the hospital innit.
They got you that liver now?
Yeah man, sorted. Ahh yeah-
did I tell you ‘bout the other day?
There was this ******* mug
by the chippy and he mugged
me off. And I was like mate,
don’t mess - you’ve picked the wrong day
to be a ******** innit.
And he was all like, “Yeah?
**** off, mate.” And right, now,
well, I’d had enough by now;
I wanted to teach this mug
a Life-Long Lesson, yeah?
So I said, “I’m not your mate,
and I will end you if you don’t **** off, innit.”
Ah man – this was not his day.
You remember back on Tuesday,
when I got that knife that I still use now?
I had it on me, and I shanked him, innit!
Serves him right for being a mug;
*sounds like one less ***** on the estate, mate.*
Too right blud. Was well funny too, yeah –
cause he was just round the corner, yeah,
I just walked into the chippy like any normal day!
Just like, “Nah, no vinegar please mate.”
There’s never any filth around here now
so we can just shank mug after mug;
and we’ll make it a better place to live, innit.
Oh yeah, and I can get smashed now, innit!
We’ll get some pills and that, yeah?
Have us a party, but don’t invite Gaz, you mug –
he shagged Tracey the other day,
so it is gonna be well awkward now.
*Ahh **** I am well excited, mate.*
And mate, make sure you bring some fit girls, innit.
You wanna come round now? Nah, got a check-up. Yeah,
but it’s not gonna take all day! Shut up, you mug.
Jun 6, 2011
Jun 6, 2011 at 3:07 PM UTC
'So you want to be a writer' he says.
As a smirk quirks his lips.
'Actions speak louder than words son,
has no one ever said that to you?
It's not about words, it's about what you do.'
I'll admit in my mind a stereotype starts to form.
It seems like he's posing just standing there,
With his short cut blonde tipped hair and
Beard neatly trimmed.
Muscled like he spends way too much time in the gym.
There's gold round his neck like rejects from the Mr.T Collection
He keeps adjusting himself like he has got a semi-erection
A mans man it could be said
I wouldn't say that i'd just call him a ********
'I've got better things to do than read words and rhymes,
It's all just a waste of my time,
I've never even read a book.'
He says with with some pride
'I'm a man of action, why write?
I just say what I want to say,
Frankly I think writing and poetry is a bit gay!'
I feel the bile rise in my throat,
I close my eyes,
Count to ten,
Suppress the urge to stab him with my pen.
Then calmly I begin.
'Words hold so much power, words can inspire,
words can bring tears to your eyes
Or set your heart on fire.
You say actions speak louder than words, I disagree.
With actions you can be great,
If you go hell for leather.
But with just a few words you can live forever.
Words can paint pictures in the mind,
Give you strength that you couldn't find.
When you're down and losing the fight,
don't you just want to hear the words
'Everything is going to be alright.'
People find ways to express themselves to those they hold dear,
With ostentatious shows of affection.
There are millions of things that they can do,
but does any of it carry more weight than a sincere 'I Love you'?
Don't get me wrong words can be harsh:
Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can break hearts.
I love words and I love to write.
You can think i'm gay.
You can laugh and scoff.
If that's your opinion.
I've got two words for you.
**** off.
Dec 10, 2009
Dec 10, 2009 at 6:44 PM UTC
computers are fun but can be frustrating
you see you may call it challenging
]but a tad frustrating
but i am battling my voices of being called a woosey
but i am not a woos, i am a poet, a fantastic poet
woosey woosey woosey says my old school mates
as i don’t want to be called a woos all my life
i don’t think i am new and improved, i am a writer
i don’t believe in violence, i don’t believe in guns
ik want to keep my conservative friends right up the ***
you see i am not a hooligan, i am not a woos
please leave me alone you big ********
i don’t want to be treated like a baby young dude, so leave me alone
my school mates don’t understand that i really liked computers
look what i done, i fooled everyone
because i never ever wanted to be treated like a hooligan, NEVER
Aug 5, 2015
Aug 5, 2015 at 10:05 PM UTC
Every word I have ever written
Has been some sad attempt to make you love me
I can’t hide my flaws behind walls of words
These black ink blemishes
Are like smears of blood
When you thought bleach would actually clear the crime scene
Not even the smoky morning rasp
Of my voice
When my spoken word sounds best
Stays steady
No
My brave voice breaks
In the same way my thoughts wander
They take me places
But I will always come back to you
Until you love me
I am showing what’s behind my wordy walls now
Before it is too late
Because years from now
After I have finally convinced you to love me
And I become a ******** again
Because I know you will love me
No matter what
Please leave me
And take all this poetry when you do
Because believe it or not
Everything I have ever written
Has always been for you
Nov 21, 2011
Nov 21, 2011 at 11:28 PM UTC
"I mean I don't like you, like that yet." you said,
and went ahead to kiss me and cup my *******
I have always been that kid who liked everything.
The cold morning breeze, scalding sunshine, brick walls,
burnt soup, inconsistent laughter, English class,
the weird kid in seventh grade who bullied me and
making crosses on my skin with fingernails over mosquito bites. So,
I did not understand it when you said you did not like me.
I wondered, if it was because my nose was too crooked, or my lips too plump or because my hair didn't have a shape?
It's weird because I like you and for all that makes you.
And it is so simple for me,
to appreciate the subtle balding of your head, the shape of your shoulders, the Pinocchio nose of yours or the fact that you are an *******
I started to like the taste of your skin, the touch of the camera around your neck, your old, fading jeans and the 'know it all' attitude.
I heard your words in poetry when you kept saying,
that I don't know you well enough to like you or love you or to cuddle with you while I slept.
Darling, we both know you never intended me to know you well enough.
You said you liked how I wrote my words, my short haircut and the curves of my body,
but not enough to like me.
So strange, because it was as easy as breathing,
for me to draw masterpieces out of your naked body painted in
the subtle yellow light of an evening.
I haven't felt as worthless, as I did when I spent hours in the night,
loving each inch of you just to hear that
you don't like me, like that.
Darling when I held you, I held you with all the universe in me.
I held you, hoping to mend every broken part of you,
to make disappearing clouds out of everything
that keeps you awake at night.
It was simple to kiss your skin and to like it,
and to like you.
I liked our time, your kisses, and the husky sound of your voice when you said "I don't like you like that"
Maybe it's stupid that I like you,
like it is stupid to like loneliness, mud spots on a favorite clothing or holding my breath under water.
It's stupid to feel
so unbearably off balance while loving someone so emotionally unavailable and
liking it.
It's stupid
and you are a ********
but I like you.
I like you.
Jul 27, 2016
Jul 27, 2016 at 5:30 PM UTC
Bodies were galloping around,
almost forced to breathe in the other's
carbon dioxide due to close proximity.
Mouths were salivating
at the thought of another drink,
another boy,
another girl,
another blunt.
You could smell the stench
of body odor and drugs
throughout every corner of this house
that belonged to a girl whose face
and name i did not know
nor was i cohesive enough to remember even if i did.
In mid thought i felt strong hands
grip my hips and turn me
in the direction of the stairs.
"I'll get you out of here"
the voice said but i wasn't sure
if i had asked to be saved.
The 75% proof ***** in my blood stream
reassured me that it was a friend
not foe
so i let the hands guide me
through the house
up the stairs
through the door
in the bed.
The face i saw was no friend
no foe
just stranger.
Rough stranger,
tough stranger,
my way or your dead stranger.
Tall stranger,
too strong stranger,
i don't care if this isn't what you want stranger.
Forceful stranger,
stealing stranger,
tell anyone and i'll deny it stranger.
They describe in text books
how women should protect themselves
by kicking and screaming and punching,
but they didn't write about
how i wouldn't even try to fight,
how he would spit on me after he was done like a pile of trash,
how i would repeat the word "no" until it was worthless.
I started guessing names
because I wanted to put a name to the hands that defiled me.
Michael, Jacob, Aaron, Eric, Ryan, Brian,
****** bag, ******** **** you
**** you
**** you.
He left me screaming into nothing
because the music was too loud for anyone to hear me.
I yelled at him
I'M SEVENTEEN
I'M SEVENTEEN
I'M SEVENTEEN
Maybe he thought that's what my name was
because he never bothered to ask.
I was Seventeen, but to him I was Consensual.
Dec 18, 2013
Dec 18, 2013 at 12:12 AM UTC
Ronald McDonald sold his business
To his rival hungry jacks
Got alot of money from them
All his staff got the sack.
He drove to the country
And brought a nice farm
With a big house
Villas, animals and barns.
Grimace was feeding the pigs
Birdie is in a nest
Hamburglar is chasing cows
And being a ****** pest.
Ronald came out with a whip
And yelled at the striped fool
Got his whip ready
With a mouthful of drool.
He then chased after Hamburglar
And the ******** thought it was a game
Making ****** like noises
Skipping, and being insane.
No more burgers for you
Ronald yelled out loud
I think You may have Mad Cows Disease
And you are as high as a cloud.
Grimace runs over
And blocked Hamburglars way
He smashes into Grimace
Knocking him out for the rest of the day.
When he woke up
All his friends were there
Hamburglar said, what the **** happened?
Ronald replied, you were sick, and gave us a scare.
But, don't worry now
You have been cured from this disease
So, can I ask you?
To stop stealing my home made burgers please.
Hamburglar agreed
With his fingers crossed behind his back
Thinking, **** off clown!
Your burgers are better than Hungry Jacks!!
Tommy K - 12/02/2014
Feb 23, 2014
Feb 23, 2014 at 10:19 AM UTC
Please leave your message after the tone, though I’ll probably never get back to you.
Gaffer, Phil here, can you drive a car with three wheels.
Paul, Sheryl, I’m leaving you for a Canadian lumberjack, don’t try and talk me out of it.
Gaffer, Micky here, that bird Tasmin you hooked me up with, she wants to try the buddha position, what the hell is it.
Gaffer, Phil, I’ve been arrested, ******* fifty quid in the license, you ********
Paul, Sheryl, you would just let me go off with a Lumberjack, you *******
Mr Gaffney, do you know you’re entitled to five thousand pounds for that accident you had three years ago. Phone us.
Paul, Linda here, I’ve left Tony, can I crash at yours for a few days.
Paul, Nurse Jackie here at the Psychiatric hospital, just an update from the doctor, he’s still in two minds.
Gaffer, Phil here, can you come and bail me out.
Paul, Sheryl, I’ve dumped the Lumberjack, going out with Hans now, my soul mate.
Paul, Tracy down at the STD clinic, your tests are clear, and no, I don’t want to celebrate with you.
Gaffer, Micky, that Tamsin's a guy, what the hell is wrong with you.
Gaffer, Phil, are you coming or what.
Paul, Linda, We’re going to give it another go.
Paul, Sheryl here, I’m giving you one more chance, I could have my pick of guys, why the hell I picked you only god knows, I’m coming round now.
Paul, This is the sunshine retreat holiday company, your immediate sabbatical is now ready when you are.
Paul, nurse Jackie here at the Psychiatric hospital, is the doctor at yours.
Aug 9, 2015
Aug 9, 2015 at 9:45 AM UTC
I'd love to take this beast home,
I could drive over anything,
knock down trees,
blow like the breeze
through concrete.
In fact,
I could destroy
the whole town
with one of these
& a Ma Deuce.
Think about it,
leaving tracks all over
the rival schoolyard
would be trick,
but really,
what kind of a ********
would bring home an APC?
Mar 3, 2014
Mar 3, 2014 at 10:08 PM UTC
a 'modern' school building
with 'modern' ideas
(and 95% of the pregnant
and the drop-outs and the
suicidal and the desperate
pushed under the
carpet instead of
given help)
a balanced curriculum
everything your child
needs
(except love and affection
and life skills and how
to treat other people
without behaving like
a ********
there's dozens of school clubs
the gospel choir's won
awards
(though you'll hear more of a
holy chorus of 'fucks' from the lips of the
******* goddamners)
and our school reputation is
propped up on results
(but exams mean nothing
because when you're dead
who's going to care how
much ink you scrawled in
just the right patterns on
your blank sheet of paper?)
all students are valued
equally, of course
(but definitely not by
the other students because
who wants to see that art
freak's drawings on Instagram
when he didn't even get invited
to that last big
party?)
all boys and girls are given
equal opportunity
(except when a bench needs
lifting, or they're transgender)
and our school uniform dress
code applies to everyone
(but if you're a guy and your
forearms are distracting someone
don't worry, you won't be asked
to cover them up)
all bullying is dealt with
swiftly and without prejudice
(unless the kid being bullied is
black or muslim because then
for some reason it's a whole
different story)
and all subjects here are treated
with equal merit and available
to everyone
(but if you're taking woodwork
then you're thick, or drama then you're
queer)
speaking of equality, the school's an
lgbt+ safe zone
(but don't even think about
being openly into the same ***
or someone's going to smash
your face in)
because we're a 'modern' school
with 'modern' ideas
(but if someone tries to tell you otherwise
then they're telling the
truth
and it's worth being friends with
them)
Oct 9, 2015
Oct 9, 2015 at 3:34 PM UTC