Its the words that we hear, the life that we seek that makes us impeckable.
 
I listen deeply to your soothing voice, cherishing each word you tell me.
 
You used me.
Broke my heart.
Than dated my best friend.
 
You made us fall into a gab, made us hold on to the past for dear life. Things will never be the same all because of you.
 
She said she was sorry, but sorry doesn't mean anything when you can't accept it. I lost you. Than I lost her. The two most important people in my life.
 
I lost hope. I tried to converse with my peers but all I ended up doing was bashing her. The one you stole from me. They got tired and stopped trying to make me happy like I once was. Like I was when I was with you.
 
Each day, I would walk the halls to see her with you. My anger would boil in my vains, and all the memories between us would hit me like bullets. All the times you told me you loved me. All the times you held me close, when you never let me go. All the times you wishpered in my ear how much I changed you. All those times were gone, forgotten, like a gust of wind, you forgot about us. But I could never forget, even the countless times I tried its too hard. You left a whole in my heart, one that can never be perpared.
 
Than I see you. See you with her. I feel the pain once more. The urgeing sensation to graspe you from her grip and make you mine once more. To be able to call you mine once more.
 
But that can never happen. Or so I thought.
 
The days pass by that your with her. That you are caught up in every aspect of the one I used to call best friend. Now I only call her words that are beyond my reach, ones that I regret the moment they leave the tip of my lips. But I stay loyal, I never spread her secrets. Nor do I hope she will fail. Instead, I wish her luck with you; the guy who made my heart bleed with hate, you changed me. Some might say its for the better but all I can say is you changed me in a way that I can never be pepared again.
 
The sun sets, the moon rises and the stars are twinkling in the dark sky, when my phone rings. I see your name. The name I spit on with hate. I let it go to voicemail not wanting to hear your voice, scared that if I do the tears will start again. I wonder how that's possible, since I wasted all my tears on you but yet I'm proven wrong its possible.
 
Your voicemail is cut short. I hear your voice, its strange at first but then I fall deeply in love once more with the way you pronouce my name. Full with love and admiration. I'm falling for you once more. Falling slowly, and slowly. But when the end is near I think of you and her. The pair who made me suffer all those nights, the ones who made me cry myself to sleep.
 
Then I fall full speed into the whole, the rocks crashing on top of me. I scream, and scream untill I realize I am stuck. How much I try to push my way through there is no use.
I am stuck in your wrath forever.
5  years. 
 
5 long years filled with related concepts always bringing my thoughts back to you. 
 
I tried to forget. Belive me. But somehow its like you are carved into me like wood. I could never forget you. 
 
Its been 5 years since I last saw you. I wonder each morning when I wake up if you changed. Or if you still have that charming smile, and that flirty personallity But the thought that comes across me the most is if everyone falls for you as hard as I did or it was only me. 
 
You made my heart bleed that senoir year. You made me fill endless emotions towards you, and all I got in return was a wink and a "hey baby we didn't say we were exclusive" 
 
Those words burned through me. Leaving me with only hate to deal with. I made a vow with myself I would forget you. But it was impossible. Every where I turned I saw your flawless face within my reach. Your pulmp lips wishpering my name soothingly making me fall only deeper in love with the fake you. I made a character out of you. One which loved me with all its heart and cared for me endlessly. 
 
I tried to believe it was true. That there was such a thing but once again its only a fantasie. Soon I will be brought into reality to see you with her. She who shall not be named. 
 
Its the day that changed me once again. A day which you made me choke and feel the emotions you cast on me once again. My phone vibrates, for a moment I belive its a dream as your name blinks on the small screen. I feel the anticipation arising throughout me. Why would he be calling? I thought while picking on my nails. My hands shaky, I picked up the phone. And once again I fell beneath your spell. 
 
"Florence..." I heard your voice say. The world spinning around me I was almost lost in your voice. Snapping back into reality I prayed my voice wouldn't brake, that it would be stable but once again life is against me. 
 
I cleared my thraot, the curses I was getting ready to say formng in my mind. All the things I wanted to remind you of ready to come bursting out of me. But at that moment only one thing came out. One word. "Jake....." I heard myself say it. The way my voice said it, it was as there hadn't been 5 years between us. And we were just back on that night, in senior year, when you held me close and wishpered to me. 
 
I didn't realize it was quiet untill I heard ask me if I wanted to delete this message. I saw I had a miss call from you. You of all people. I was gettng ready to blast you but all I could think was if I should call you back. But then my phone rang, and I saw your name once more. 
 
One voicemail. That's all it took for me to rush to the phone and want to hear your voice again. I picked it up, feeling the nerves arising beneath me, the goosebumps starting to form on my arms. "Hello." I breathed into the reciever. 
 
"Florence?" I heard your voice ask. The same voice that I heard on the voicemail, the same voice that you had over me the years before. 
 
I tried to compose my voice, trying to make it like I forgot you. But in reality it was the exact oppisite. 
 
"Yeah, its me." I said in a strained voice. 
 
Suddenly slience struck upon us. None of us said a word. Just the dead selience between us. The tension high. 
 
But I didn't mind it. 
For what was there to say to the man who destroyed any ounce of belief I had in me? 
To the man who left me when everything was wrong. 
Now he calls me, I know what I must do. 
But in the end love does a funny thing to you; no matter how much you try to lock someone out, deep beneath the depths the right guy always finds the key. 
 
You foiund the key, opening the door slightly I heard your voice. Looking around me horror crept into my whole body, making me frozen in place. "......I was a **** and idiot...." You trailed off on the reciever. Barely listening to your words I was too caught up on the way you made me feell, the way you made everything appear perfect.
That night, the night you barged in and put me under your spell once more. Compelled by you I acted like your puppet, mimicking your every movement, following your every order. The distance between us fulled with tension. The anxiety of seeing your face again, uprising beneath me, while I took each step cautously to the Diner.
 
The Diner.
The place were everything had once been perfect between us. You would play with a stroke of my hair, I would giiggle in apparation as your gaze would be locked on mine.
Everything completely perfect.
 
Now, as I step foot into the diner, the goshtly images of us by our daily table, the one in the back corner. For a moment I could swear I saw us giggling and smiling at eachother. But as I look back the figures are gone and all that's there is an empty chair.
 
I walk in, immidently I am greeted by a middle aged waitress. Awe shown on her wrinkled face. "You here again?" She squels in delight. I looked at her puzzled.
 
"Your a legend here." She said, her eyes gleaming. "You don't remember I had been your waitress everyday when you guys would come. Your love so pure and magical it made me believe."
 
Suddenly the images were flooding back into my head. The ones of the giddy waitress we used to make fun of. The one we thought had a crush on you. We had laughed it off, you would remind me how I was your only one. But now it all fit into place. She hadn't been watching you, she had been watching us., mesmerized by our love that's what she had been doing.
If only she knew.
If only she knew that our love had failed, that you had cheated.
 
Our love had once been a blossoming flower, now all it was was a distant memory.
 
A gust of wind pulled me out of my daze. I noticed the waitress had been stareing at me all along with questioning eyes. I knew I should have been nicer, more apealing but this went along with all of the things I wish I was.
 
The sound of an schreeching door being opended caught my senses, everything hapend so quickly. I saw his face. That face which had haunted me all these years. The one which appeared in my dreams, day after day, I would wake up sweating, screaming his name for help. The hysterical cry I wouild scream, but he would never come. Nor would he answer my calls.
 
The anger boiling up in me once more, I swiftly forgot the love I had felt for him earlier this day. I wanted to remind him of everything. All the hurt he caused me, the tears shed on his behalf. I hated him for everything.
For the way he made me blush when he would wink at me.
For the way he caused me to act in sivere ways.
And for the way he made me love him so deeply that I had to make myself angry at him.
 
You were a few feet away from me, enough for me to reach out my hand and touch you. Everything around us was silent. It seemed as though all eyes were on us. I could hear the distant sounds of a cricket and I was definite you could hear my loud breathing or the accleration of my beating heart. Pounding against my chest, it acclerated with each cautous step you took.
 
I could smel your chlonage, your famillar smell rininging up the senses which have been held hostage for so long. Your aroma taking up the air, ******* out all the oxygen making it hard for me to breathe. Taking deep breathes, I couldn't help but feel compelled for a moment. I would have done anything you wished.
 
The awkwardness hit upon us. All we did was stare at eachother. Unable to speak I was hoping you would start. My mind blank, full-speed I tried to skim my brain for a word, anythjing. Everything seemed forgien to me. I felt useless. Parralyzed.
But I couldn't help but realize you were stareing at me with the same baffled expression as I was to you.
 
A word escaped your mouth. Your voice sounding like bells, having a musical ring to it. It caught me off gaurd, causing my heart to skip a beat. Just like the old days.
 
Looking around me I noticed the cracked wholes in the wooden walls, the hardwood floor beneath us, dusty with names carved into it. While you stared at me waiting for a response, my eyes skimmed over the floor beneath us, desperatly searching for it. That one thing that would remind me of what you did. So that I wouldn't fall for you once more.
There it was::
'Jake&Florence-F;&A.;' But starein
g at it closely, I noticed the one thjing I had been looking for. The word 'Florence' had been crossed out and replaced with 'Nicole'.
 
My best friend which you stole for me.
Bringing my attention back up to you I fought back the tears which had been trying to force there way out.
 
"Save it." I spat, not before letting the heel of my shoe dig into the wood earasing our names from the hardwood floor. Forever.

Its the words that we hear, the life that we seek that makes us impeckable.
 
I listen deeply to your soothing voice, cherishing each word you tell me.
 
You used me.
Broke my heart.
Than dated my best friend.
 
You made us fall into a gab, made us hold on to the past for dear life. Things will never be the same all because of you.
 
She said she was sorry, but sorry doesn't mean anything when you can't accept it. I lost you. Than I lost her. The two most important people in my life.
 
I lost hope. I tried to converse with my peers but all I ended up doing was bashing her. The one you stole from me. They got tired and stopped trying to make me happy like I once was. Like I was when I was with you.
 
Each day, I would walk the halls to see her with you. My anger would boil in my vains, and all the memories between us would hit me like bullets. All the times you told me you loved me. All the times you held me close, when you never let me go. All the times you wishpered in my ear how much I changed you. All those times were gone, forgotten, like a gust of wind, you forgot about us. But I could never forget, even the countless times I tried its too hard. You left a whole in my heart, one that can never be perpared.
 
Than I see you. See you with her. I feel the pain once more. The urgeing sensation to graspe you from her grip and make you mine once more. To be able to call you mine once more.
 
But that can never happen. Or so I thought.
 
The days pass by that your with her. That you are caught up in every aspect of the one I used to call best friend. Now I only call her words that are beyond my reach, ones that I regret the moment they leave the tip of my lips. But I stay loyal, I never spread her secrets. Nor do I hope she will fail. Instead, I wish her luck with you; the guy who made my heart bleed with hate, you changed me. Some might say its for the better but all I can say is you changed me in a way that I can never be pepared again.
 
The sun sets, the moon rises and the stars are twinkling in the dark sky, when my phone rings. I see your name. The name I spit on with hate. I let it go to voicemail not wanting to hear your voice, scared that if I do the tears will start again. I wonder how that's possible, since I wasted all my tears on you but yet I'm proven wrong its possible.
 
Your voicemail is cut short. I hear your voice, its strange at first but then I fall deeply in love once more with the way you pronouce my name. Full with love and admiration. I'm falling for you once more. Falling slowly, and slowly. But when the end is near I think of you and her. The pair who made me suffer all those nights, the ones who made me cry myself to sleep.
 
Then I fall full speed into the whole, the rocks crashing on top of me. I scream, and scream untill I realize I am stuck. How much I try to push my way through there is no use.
I am stuck in your wrath forever.
5  years. 
 
5 long years filled with related concepts always bringing my thoughts back to you. 
 
I tried to forget. Belive me. But somehow its like you are carved into me like wood. I could never forget you. 
 
Its been 5 years since I last saw you. I wonder each morning when I wake up if you changed. Or if you still have that charming smile, and that flirty personallity But the thought that comes across me the most is if everyone falls for you as hard as I did or it was only me. 
 
You made my heart bleed that senoir year. You made me fill endless emotions towards you, and all I got in return was a wink and a "hey baby we didn't say we were exclusive" 
 
Those words burned through me. Leaving me with only hate to deal with. I made a vow with myself I would forget you. But it was impossible. Every where I turned I saw your flawless face within my reach. Your pulmp lips wishpering my name soothingly making me fall only deeper in love with the fake you. I made a character out of you. One which loved me with all its heart and cared for me endlessly. 
 
I tried to believe it was true. That there was such a thing but once again its only a fantasie. Soon I will be brought into reality to see you with her. She who shall not be named. 
 
Its the day that changed me once again. A day which you made me choke and feel the emotions you cast on me once again. My phone vibrates, for a moment I belive its a dream as your name blinks on the small screen. I feel the anticipation arising throughout me. Why would he be calling? I thought while picking on my nails. My hands shaky, I picked up the phone. And once again I fell beneath your spell. 
 
"Florence..." I heard your voice say. The world spinning around me I was almost lost in your voice. Snapping back into reality I prayed my voice wouldn't brake, that it would be stable but once again life is against me. 
 
I cleared my thraot, the curses I was getting ready to say formng in my mind. All the things I wanted to remind you of ready to come bursting out of me. But at that moment only one thing came out. One word. "Jake....." I heard myself say it. The way my voice said it, it was as there hadn't been 5 years between us. And we were just back on that night, in senior year, when you held me close and wishpered to me. 
 
I didn't realize it was quiet untill I heard ask me if I wanted to delete this message. I saw I had a miss call from you. You of all people. I was gettng ready to blast you but all I could think was if I should call you back. But then my phone rang, and I saw your name once more. 
 
One voicemail. That's all it took for me to rush to the phone and want to hear your voice again. I picked it up, feeling the nerves arising beneath me, the goosebumps starting to form on my arms. "Hello." I breathed into the reciever. 
 
"Florence?" I heard your voice ask. The same voice that I heard on the voicemail, the same voice that you had over me the years before. 
 
I tried to compose my voice, trying to make it like I forgot you. But in reality it was the exact oppisite. 
 
"Yeah, its me." I said in a strained voice. 
 
Suddenly slience struck upon us. None of us said a word. Just the dead selience between us. The tension high. 
 
But I didn't mind it. 
For what was there to say to the man who destroyed any ounce of belief I had in me? 
To the man who left me when everything was wrong. 
Now he calls me, I know what I must do. 
But in the end love does a funny thing to you; no matter how much you try to lock someone out, deep beneath the depths the right guy always finds the key. 
 
You foiund the key, opening the door slightly I heard your voice. Looking around me horror crept into my whole body, making me frozen in place. "......I was a **** and idiot...." You trailed off on the reciever. Barely listening to your words I was too caught up on the way you made me feell, the way you made everything appear perfect.
That night, the night you barged in and put me under your spell once more. Compelled by you I acted like your puppet, mimicking your every movement, following your every order. The distance between us fulled with tension. The anxiety of seeing your face again, uprising beneath me, while I took each step cautously to the Diner.
 
The Diner.
The place were everything had once been perfect between us. You would play with a stroke of my hair, I would giiggle in apparation as your gaze would be locked on mine.
Everything completely perfect.
 
Now, as I step foot into the diner, the goshtly images of us by our daily table, the one in the back corner. For a moment I could swear I saw us giggling and smiling at eachother. But as I look back the figures are gone and all that's there is an empty chair.
 
I walk in, immidently I am greeted by a middle aged waitress. Awe shown on her wrinkled face. "You here again?" She squels in delight. I looked at her puzzled.
 
"Your a legend here." She said, her eyes gleaming. "You don't remember I had been your waitress everyday when you guys would come. Your love so pure and magical it made me believe."
 
Suddenly the images were flooding back into my head. The ones of the giddy waitress we used to make fun of. The one we thought had a crush on you. We had laughed it off, you would remind me how I was your only one. But now it all fit into place. She hadn't been watching you, she had been watching us., mesmerized by our love that's what she had been doing.
If only she knew.
If only she knew that our love had failed, that you had cheated.
 
Our love had once been a blossoming flower, now all it was was a distant memory.
 
A gust of wind pulled me out of my daze. I noticed the waitress had been stareing at me all along with questioning eyes. I knew I should have been nicer, more apealing but this went along with all of the things I wish I was.
 
The sound of an schreeching door being opended caught my senses, everything hapend so quickly. I saw his face. That face which had haunted me all these years. The one which appeared in my dreams, day after day, I would wake up sweating, screaming his name for help. The hysterical cry I wouild scream, but he would never come. Nor would he answer my calls.
 
The anger boiling up in me once more, I swiftly forgot the love I had felt for him earlier this day. I wanted to remind him of everything. All the hurt he caused me, the tears shed on his behalf. I hated him for everything.
For the way he made me blush when he would wink at me.
For the way he caused me to act in sivere ways.
And for the way he made me love him so deeply that I had to make myself angry at him.
 
You were a few feet away from me, enough for me to reach out my hand and touch you. Everything around us was silent. It seemed as though all eyes were on us. I could hear the distant sounds of a cricket and I was definite you could hear my loud breathing or the accleration of my beating heart. Pounding against my chest, it acclerated with each cautous step you took.
 
I could smel your chlonage, your famillar smell rininging up the senses which have been held hostage for so long. Your aroma taking up the air, ******* out all the oxygen making it hard for me to breathe. Taking deep breathes, I couldn't help but feel compelled for a moment. I would have done anything you wished.
 
The awkwardness hit upon us. All we did was stare at eachother. Unable to speak I was hoping you would start. My mind blank, full-speed I tried to skim my brain for a word, anythjing. Everything seemed forgien to me. I felt useless. Parralyzed.
But I couldn't help but realize you were stareing at me with the same baffled expression as I was to you.
 
A word escaped your mouth. Your voice sounding like bells, having a musical ring to it. It caught me off gaurd, causing my heart to skip a beat. Just like the old days.
 
Looking around me I noticed the cracked wholes in the wooden walls, the hardwood floor beneath us, dusty with names carved into it. While you stared at me waiting for a response, my eyes skimmed over the floor beneath us, desperatly searching for it. That one thing that would remind me of what you did. So that I wouldn't fall for you once more.
There it was::
'Jake&Florence-F;&A.;' But starein
g at it closely, I noticed the one thjing I had been looking for. The word 'Florence' had been crossed out and replaced with 'Nicole'.
 
My best friend which you stole for me.
Bringing my attention back up to you I fought back the tears which had been trying to force there way out.
 
"Save it." I spat, not before letting the heel of my shoe dig into the wood earasing our names from the hardwood floor. Forever.

Born to do something
But forced to do something else

Desperatly trying to feel
Desperatly trying fit
Desperatly trying to be

Someone
Who exists inside of
Me

He didn't grow angel wings and go to heaven. He put on an astronaut helmet and found peace in the stars. A tiny soul floating through the galaxies, just waiting for mommy to join him. His dreams were to big for this planet. Curiosity, love, adventure, and fearlessness. He was soaked in those traits as he grew in my womb. The unknown was calling and I don't blame him for answering. He was concieved by two souls who desperatly wanted more than life can offer. We created something too beautiful for human form. All I can do is hope that the night sky is full of kindness. It brings peace to know he left this earth knowing nothing of pain. An artist like his mother, I know my son is painting constelations in the sky and sprinkling stardust over my head. One day I'll have the guts to put on a helmet of my own, and he can show me the universe through his eyes, resting in my arms for eternity.

it was you.
our selfish tendencies create and everlasting attraction we refuse to face.
dec.18
cold mornings. a sun never rising to warm you up on these rainy days. your beating heart is inconsistent with the tempo of your words. distant reminders breaking sound waves of my “remember when” ideas. built of days when heat consumed our souls, the shade gave us privacy, and the cool air gave us peace.
all thats in your soul is now so desperatly clinging onto whats left of your heart. the beautiful part is washed away and hidden under your bed. hidden with the rest of your heart. the pieces that were so meaningful to me. nothing but another empty body for life. the life that that was offered to you is now bringing breath into other weightless hearts making them as heavy as ours. i wouldnt need you if i didnt love you so much. no one comes close to this confused mind. no one will ever come close. individuals we convince ourselves to be but would we be here lying to everyone if we were so independent? please dont repeat the processes of love with anyone as dishonest as your self.

“I want that one” I exclaim pointing to the unicorn on the bottom shelf. I choose this one because she seems sad because all she’s ever seen was peoples feet. I pick her because maybe no one else will buy her because she’s at the bottom shelf and taller people wont even see her. She is soft and white and has cotton candy pink horns, hooves and bows around her neck.
“It looks cross-eyed” my brother Charlie observes in a critical way that night at dinner. He’s just upset that he didn’t get to pick anything because it isn’t his birthday. It doesn’t matter though, the new member of my stuffed animal collection is named Sparkles, and nothing anyone says will change that she is my new best friend.
After dinner everyone goes to walk the dog and I bring Sparkles, because it would be silly to leave her home by herself. We drive down the road and pretend to have tea on the beach. To my happiness, everyone sits in a circle. Sipping on tea and complimenting each other on clothes we aren’t wearing, food we aren’t eating and things we didn’t do, I’m surprised that even Charlie is partaking. The sun begins to set and we begin to pack up, or rather my Mother and Father pack up while Charlie holds Sparkles by the scruff of her neck and threatens to throw her in the bushes.
“Sparkles is gonna get lost Em, too bad you cant catch me” he cries running towards the thick brambles.
“Stop it! Stop! You’re hurting her!” I screech after him, desperatly trying to overcome his head start. But i’m too late. By the time I get to him he is already preparing to throw her into the prickers.
“NO!” I yell as I watch Sparkles get launched into the 8 foot tall bush of thorns.
I shove Charlie into the bush, which results in cuts all up his arms and back.
“Emma,what are you doing?!” my parents exclaim coming at the sound of Charlies cries.
“He threw Sparkles”
“Thats never an excuse for pushing” they scold.
“But..Spark”
“No Emma, you should have thought of that, we have to go fix Charlie” im cut off
They don’t understand. Sparkles made it so that everyone drank tea together, and stood for the small things to be noticed. She was my best friend, we were both small things standing up to big people. Of course they don’t understand. Big people don’t know about small people problems, they only know about fixing what has been broken. I want to rewind to when we all were talking about the fantasies of castles and secret twin siblings, where we were all small people for a minute.

Dropping a glass, its nothing much to you, only pick up the pieces and no one will ever know the damage had been done

Dropping an event, its nothing much to you, only make a few phone calls and no one will ever know your presence had never been

Dropping a call, its nothing much to you, only check a friends mood and no one will ever know you told them something

Dropping a friendship, its nothing much to you, only say a few false words and pick up another tomorrow, whilst leaving the other to pick up the glass pieces, dropping the planned happy event, desperatly waiting for that call knowing that this friendship will never be fixed, so you are left, to pick up the broken pieces

Mother Earth decided
To have a yard sale
From the sands on her beach
With all of its sea shells
Including all the forest green
And mountain tops as well
Even all the in-betweens
Along with everything else

Selling all her waters
The entire lot
Ponds, lakes, and winding streams
What's clean and what's not
Even comes with the fish
All ready to be caught
Puddles go for 50 cents
If that's all you've got

Feel's she's getting way too old
To take care of it all
From the largest that there is
To the smallest of the smalls
With the creatures that can walk
And those that slither and crawl
Trying her best to get full price
Before she has to discount it all

She'll pay the price for adds up front
Advertising in the almanac
Get it in early enough
So she's not stuck in the back
Make it all day Fri
And half a day on Sat
With a chance to buy it all
Wherever you are at

As Mother Earth delegently
Sets up her yard sale
All must go as you can see
Take it home for yourself
Once it's all sold and gone
She has yet to figure out
Just knows that she desperatly needs
Some time alone to herself

I am underwater how do I chase?

Please forgive my blockings being unfollowed saddens me
I am only human make mistakes

Trying to understand your poetry without seeing your face
as the mirrors fogs I pushed to defog and unmask  

I am a realist in attitude
vission depiction is hard to do

seeing across the cyber space cold computer screen with clarity is exausting however fun

I guess I lost it forgive me
what I searched for desperatly
to find and hungrily devour
has found me instead

the final blow was executed
bittersweet the object of my
obsession has withdrown
a sacred tree tored in half

I remain changed wiser
a crying sorrowful nymph
bent fallen in this battlefield arena
my world in shambles remains
my sacred tree unreachable is

I struggle to breath as
I come up for a little fresh air
and a mighty hand pushes
me down
down under water again
and again

I appologize have mercy on my soul beloved loyal reader how much more wiser thou art

I hope whats on the other side is better than on this mirrored life of mine.

understand me please I pleed
that I may gather strenght
before I go hence and be no more
~~~~~~~~~~~~
By: Karijinbbs

Lately I have been numb
I can never write when I am numb,
and the only logical reason I have for being able to write this is the fact that it's 12 am and im drunk
but I'm still somehow able to spell out my words without constantly messing up
I dont know, maybe its magic..
Or maybe I'm falling apart again
I can write my feelings, I can write emotions, I can spell out the colors of the rainnbow in such intricate detail that you would have to read it over 3 times before you understood what I was talking about
But I wont make you do that.
Some days, I feel as if I could write a story about the way your lips curve into a smile like I've never seen before
Some days I could wrap my legs around you and bury my face it the space where your neck and shoulders meet and just relax into you
Some days I think I could rip myself apart and lay the pieces over all of your puddles to keep your shoes from getting wet,
You see, I am in love with you,
desperatly in love with you
utterly, incredibly in love with oyu.
Im hiding behind bulletproof glass windows, like the ones they have in those cop shows
and I'm staring at the mirror while you stare at me and I'm wondering what the **** is going on
I hate the thought of everyone else standing on the outside and looking in while I fall apart
And the thing is, I have no reason to fall apart,
somethimes when im riding in the car, I look out of the window and I think about killing myself,
sometimes I just tell people that im sad and i dont know why and they call me selfish
but how can i be selfish if I cann't even find myself
I got lost somw=ehwere a long time ago and I thought that I could find myself in a church on a street in a house on upton
I thought I could find myself inside a monk named bhudda, I was told he had the secrets to peace and I wanted them so badly
I though I could find myself in a book, but that only gave me a story for a few days and when I finished I was back to square one again and that kinda **** can really ******* up mentally
I thought I could find myself in a blunt and a bottle but I realized that wasn't for me when I was throwing up in showers, toilets and sinks, while a stranger held my hair back and told me not to think and when I left the bathroom some randm **** asked me if I wanted another drink, before I know it im passed out on the floor and im missing some of my clothes and thats not a good life if there ever was such a thing..
I thought I could find myself in a paintbrush but art gives me more anxiety than ever because my hands won't stop shaking from the numbness
So tonight I'll try to find myself in the bottom of a cheap dollar store wine glass, I'll try to wrap myself around the constant drum of my fingers hitting the keys because nobody seems to believe in paper and pencil anymore and tonight I will love you like I've never loved anything in this entire ******* world before,
because I think that everyone I've ever tried to love before was a fluke,
and like that one song says, they're probably broken roads that lead to you,
I'm waiting for the day I get the courage to leave my mirror and walk out of that gray walled, bullteproof window interrogation room,
The day I can finally look into your eyes and tell you how glad I am to finally meet you and ask you where the *******'ve been.

I want to be you
Like I am me
Because I love you
Unconditionally
Desperatly
I want to feel the same pain
Like you do
To suffer on the same way
All the good and the bad
Which is yours
To be mine
But I am not you
Like I am not me

There's an uncontrollable feeling inside me
That desperatly want's to make a change
In this boring prison
I call everyday

I struggle to breath
Want to sleep but not tired
I want to talk but nothing in mind
I strain myself to be present
Spacing out my favourite thing
If im not present i cannot hurt
The source unclear
No one understand
Foreign language i have become
My silence unreadable
I crawl through the sewerage pipes of my mind
Desperatly trying to find the source
All this turmoil need a source
I wish you could hold me forever
Squeeze so tight my pieces fit
But when you let go
I fall
Brake and shatter
When you hold me i feel safe
I feel anew for the fight
But you always leave
You leave to rejoin your happy life
I realise the empty my life is
I hate my life

It was along the ancient rivers
Where the waters break themselves against
The stones, smooth and polished,
Among the seedlings called words.

In thought, well let us call it mythic
Theory, the river was exposed to the thirst
Of the first men, those who wished an
extension of themselves to the universe.

With a constellation to start them with,
The first Word arose after the first man
Drank from it, the word was Hope
and he picked a small star to mark the moment.

The river was infested with verbs and metaphors,
The man was thirsty for words and description,
He drank with mermaids and sea creatures
From the magnetic water that dripped with life words.

Once he had his share, before he became a poet,
He had to learn a lesson important to being
What he so desperatly wanted to express,
The touch of a woman.....

On a night that was felt as though ten moons
Across, he lay with a first woman as he repeated
The first word into his heart, Hope, the audacious
Nature bother heartfelt and genuine.

And the next day as the sun spring forth the light,
He woke alone and a sudden cold entered,
His passion untamed, his heart recognizes
the abyss, and he began a song of words.:

He who belonged to no one,
Suddenly belongs to the word,
The word was his foundation
And the magic was born in a sullen pain.

A poet was born from a river,
The words a passionate abyss,
The perfect pattern from God,
The verse was born from his heart.

I am a ruiner,
As I gasp for breath,
Heaving my lungs
Desperatly trying to pull upwards
I latch onto you,
Everyone close to me,
Trying just to get to air,
And instead,
I drown you with me
And I'm sorry
But I'm not an Angel
I'm not even lovable,
All I ever do is hurt,
And break,
And ruin.

To lovers you are the kiss of death.
To babies you are the stealer of their breath.

To teachers you are the disobediant child.
To hunters you are the untames wild.

To artist you are the desperatly needed inspiration.
To poets you are the unwritten emotion.

To me you are an unwanted mystery.
To me you are eventually history.

To me you are the distraction of everything.
To me you are the wind beneath the wing.

To me you are a husband to a wife.
To me you are life.

I'm too happy with you
To bleed
To ruin it all
For a blade
I miss the sting
Miss the relief desperatly
And though it's been months
I fight it each day
But I'm too happy
Too in love to bleed.

Two bodies never felt so close as the night air seduced us into a ****** trance

Urging us to give into our deepest need
Begging us to do a sensual dance

Hot and thick the summer heat added fuel to our fire

Sweat dripping off of our bodies as we gave into the desire

Stripped me bare right there where anybody could see

Whispering naughty words that would make the old me flee

Something about the night, the thick summer heat

The way the moon was glistening, never had I wanted more to feel complete

Laying down on the cool ground

Our needy heart beats were the only sound

Nothing else mattered in that moment, everything else was drowned out

Touched me gently where I held all the heat and I tried desperatly not to shout

Bending down to ******* heat with your mouth, claiming the need to explore

I screamed as you continued to **** sweet honey and begged for more

The summer had never meant so much to me

When you stopped your exploring and finally made us complete

Thighs tickled as you slid in between

Breaths mingled as we finally fulfilled our need

That night we came together not caring if we were seen

Wrapped up in desire that surrounded us like the summer heat

you use TV
to silence your worries
and I'm terrified that,
by doing so,
you also erase the light
in the back of your eyes.

you drink
when you're too tired
and too stressed
and when everything you don't want
is to be under your own skin.
and I get it.
but i desperatly wanted
that you didn't need it.
I wish I could help you
relieve what you feel.
but I can't.
I'm just so powerless
and I have to sit and watch
in uncomfortable silence
your pain.
'cause nothing I can do
is able to fix it.
and that is what hurts me the most

What's the conection & suspension;
Between words.
***** you, could desperatly mean something,
Other than what the blinds say,
So close them & I'll show you,
The wrong path all men take,
Towards a girl beautiful & broken,
Wide eyed & open,
Innocence has fled,
Conection & suspension

It's like poison
Toxic, deadly and addicting
Coasing through my body
Clouding my mind
Taking over

Its consuming me
Within this detrimental thing called love
An Unstoppable force
Thats made its way into the deepest crevices of my heart

Its burning my lungs
Suffocating, tightening its grip
Firmly planted down
And unwilling to let go

A hallucinogen, stimulant
Drug trip made for two
Infused within my soul
Glowing with a venomous hue

Its posion is bitter sweet
The promise of affection drawing me in
Filling me with contentment
Before the consequences set in filling me with resentment

Its intoxicating
An endless haze of love, destruction and despair
A drug that ive become reliant on
The pain and suffering to prove that i am there

Allowing me to reach my high
Happiness and never ending bliss awaits
Though with every high comes a even worse low
Its leaving me on the ground, greif ridden and despondent
Desperatly yearning for what was

Stuck on repeat
In the same mindless cycle
Drawn in by the same toxic poison
Merely by a different name

My addiction called Love

My mind is reeling with thoughts
Happy memories is what I'm trying to find but once again the dark side wins and pulls me in
I can feel the ache building in my heart , and once again I'm reminded of the past
My eyes are trying to put up a fight, and the tears are desperatly trying to hold on but once again gravity does it's job and pulls them to the ground.
Words are being thrown around carelessly in my mind, like bullets shooting through me
I 'd take psychical pain over emotional and mental pain any day
The psychical pain fades with each day passing by
But the emotional and mental pain stays with you till the end of time
The world is such a beautiful place, but it's the people in it that makes it ugly
I think of what you said while shedding tears
I dig in deeper into my mind and face my biggest fear
I try standing strong as I go through the storm in my mind
Once it's finished I sign in relief
With a final question flooding my mind
"How come I forgive but never forget"
is the final thought before I close my eyes
My head sinks into the pillow and I curl into a ball
I cover my whole body with a blanket as I stifle a yawn
Black is all I see as it consumes me and takes me to a better place
And makes me forget the cold hard truth that I again in the morning have to face.

Staring into the mirror
Thats reflecting a face
But a void of emotion
An empty space

A hand upon the glass
As if this is really me
I'm not at all convinced
These eyes are screaming a plea

From deep within
This empty shell
This smiling mask
My own personal hell

I remember happiness
That once shone so bright
No traces have been left
No evidence of that light

Gazing back
At this hopeless form
This helpless girl
Lost within the storm

This storm that was brewed
A creation of my own
To which I blatantly accepted
Within it my loneiless has grown

Cold stream running down
The edge of my cheeks
A ghostly pale complexion
My resistance is at its peak

Hold the cool metal to a wrist
Desperatly finding a vein
Looking back at this pitiful girl
Perfect eye contact is made

Shaking with fear
Inhaling a deep breath
The blood trickling down
This girl can finally be at rest

Mirrored within the reflection
A young girl looking back
A smile etched upon her face
She had finally made her crack

Reflection

She's desperatly fading
From reality's grasp
He never even knew
His kiss would be her last
She's to far gone
To even remember why
The reason to end up like this
Resulted from his lie
She's suffering; she's broken
She's torn at the seams
All that's left are memories-
And many broken dreams
His honesty was fake
But soon, she'll be free
Of all the lies he ever told
And all the lies she believed
-The knife is very sharp -
She grabs the blade once again
Ready for all the hurt to stop; and the pain to finally end
Her trembling body is shaking
As the blade cuts her wrists
She takes hold of his picture
And gives it one last kiss.....
"Because of you I'm dying", she screams
But I felt this way inside all along,
Remember you said you'd never hurt me?
Turns out that you were wrong".

I got my boots laced up tight and i guess that means i got somewhere to go,
But im nailed to the wall.
Legs bounce and dance eager to get it on but i cant rip myself from this frame.

I decorate this place every weekend a peice of modren art, weird,
Whats it mean to you

The whiskey glazed sunrise hit my bleary eyes and water poured from my face and i tried desperatly to keep it from watering my roots, i dont want to be anchored to this room
I want to float.

Cirrus clouds above could hold my damaged head and the albatross criss cross contrails and sing just for me i might finally sleep.

But i tap my feet, three times, close my eyes and im still here. Mouths motion mourning and id decipher the damage but my codex is broken, the language spoken is one unfamiliar and the toll for imagining somethings wrong is something finally is.

If i said everything's fine could you pick up on that lie?
Maybe drop me a line, static in my ears cotton in my lungs yes im on the porch contimplating bugs.

If i dont make sense its because i just dont.
Its simple,
I might be manic corrosive, eating litmus paper and dreading christmas.