I had locked away my true thoughts and muzzled my true voice
for far to long.
Was it a character i desired to be?
Were my words to be but a joke to break the awkward silence?

When you start to be social only to lock yourself up
to exist with your demons your becoming a dangerous
person to yourself.

My work once flowed now it sits half finished  great starts
stalled endings.
My skills were learned from not the comic arena
and i could imagine my journalist friends  laughter mocking
me even now.

He's slipped  finally lost in cheap jokes  gone from
anything that speak's of his true voice.

The people didnt thirst to know John.
for my well penned alter ego was the one they all knew and so blindly
misunderstood.

Old friends check in.
Messages on my phone i'd sooner erase than
respond to.
Had I slipped in some form of insanity?
Embracing dellusion  to mask my failures in life?

I was a writer ,A troublemaker  and owner of laughs.
A good time for many yet emptyness was my reallity.

As from  the TV screen reflected change and madness.
For crazy is a close friend of chaos.

I got in the game to make a mark but what was the price?
A destroyed marriage  a relationship  heading into
the very same direction.

What had I become but some twisted monster
and tormented soul.
A sad afterthought  to a sick joke.

Deppresion can  make us into something no mirror can truely
reflect.
The chamber stayed loaded  the glass my curse
seldom these days full.

And what she wanted I could never give  like sunsets
red cast gold flaked embrace i was a moment.
And moment's can't forever last.

No child should know a madman's life.
And a selfish *******  I knew was my role.

Empty streets and smokey old bars  were my  path
and what to anyone could i truley give?

Pain was the fuel hours my sea to sail alone.

The chamber was full but soon one would
be missing.

A tale cant be read untill it's finshed.
We are but moments.
And moments can't last forever.

it's been a while since i last wrote something.
it's been a while since i last felt anything.
NOW I AM FEELING EVERY SINGLE EMOTION I HAVE EVER KEPT BOTTLED UP INSIDE ME ALL AT THE SAME TIME & IT'S TEARING ME UP ALL I WANT TO DO IS SIT IN THE DARKEST CORNER RESEMBLING MY EMPTINESS & THE DARK DAYS & CRY MY EYES ALL OUT.
it's been a while since anyone asked me how i was feeling.
it's been a while since i last said "i'm fine," not because i actually felt fine, but because i was used to say "i'm fine" just to avoid having to explain myself even though nobody wouldn't understand.
i don't really know how much time has it been since anyone asked me how i was feeling, because they think of me as an emotionless person, BUT RIGHT NOW ALL I NEED IS SOMEONE TO ASK ME HOW AM I FEELING SO I COULD EXPLAIN MYSELF EVEN THOUGH THEY WON'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THEM TO UNDERSTAND I JUST WANT TO LET EVERYTHING OUT BECAUSE IT'S EATING MY SOUL WELL NOT MY SOUL BECAUSE IT WAS EATEN LONG AGO BEFORE I COULD EVEN REMEMBER I COULD FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO HOLD ME & ASK ME HOW AM I FEELING & LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY BUT NOBODY EVER DOES BECAUSE THEY THINK OF ME AS AN EMOTIONLESS PERSON THEY THINK I'M JUST LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST JUST BECAUSE THEY SEE A SMILE ON MY FACE BUT WHAT THEY DON'T SEE IS THAT MY SMILE IS SHATTERED I AM BROKEN INSIDE & I CAN'T FIX MYSELF NOBODY CAN FIX ME I CAN'T FIX WHAT I AM MADE OF I CAN'T FIX THE ONLY THING I HAVE EVER KNOWN & I DON'T NEED TO FIX IT I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY & TELL ME EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY EVEN THOUGH I KNOW NOTHING WILL EVER BE OKAY BECAUSE NOTHING EVER GOES OKAY I AM SHATTERED I AM BROKEN THIS IS WHO I AM DON'T FIX ME JUST LISTEN TO ME.
it's been a while since someone hugged me.
it's been a while since i last felt someone else's touch.
it's been a while since i last let someone hug me.
it's been a while since i last let someone touch me.
it's been a while since i last let someone get close enough to even whisper my name.
it's been a while since i last let someone BECAUSE THAT MEANS THEY GET TO HUG ME & TOUCH ME & WHISPER MY NAME & GET CLOSE & THE ONLY THING I HAVE EVER LET HUG ME OR FEEL ME OR TOUCH ME OR WHISPER MY NAME OR GET CLOSE ENOUGH IS MY DEPRESSION & EVERYTIME MY DEPRESSION COMES AROUND I FEEL UNWANTEDLY TOUCH I FEEL MY DEPRESSION HUGGING ME BACK TO MY BED KEEPING ME THERE WHISPERING MY NAME EVERYTIME MY DEPRESSION COMES AROUND I LET IT CLOSE ENOUGH I CAN FEEL THE SOUL INSIDE OF ME DYING OVER & OVER AGAIN & I CAN LISTEN TO THE VOICES IN MY HEAD WHISPERING MY NAME SINGING LULLABIES TELLING ME I'LL BE OKAY IF I STAY IN BED BUT WE ALL KNOW STAYING IN BED WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE BECAUSE I WILL DETERIORATE MYSELF BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT BECAUSE DEPRESSION KEEPS ME IN MY BED & IT KEEPS ME COMPANY IT MAKES ME FEEL SOMETHING IT TELLS ME EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY IT TELLS ME EVERYTHING I NEED TO HEAR EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IS NOT TRUE MY DEPPRESION IS THE ONLY THING ASKING ME HOW I FEEL WHEN IN REALITY IT'S THE ONE KILLING ME BUT I RATHER DIE SAYING HOW I FEEL THAN NOT SAYING OR FEELING ANYTHING AT ALL I AM SO FULL OF EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW & ALL I WANT TO DO IS SING LULLABIES WITH THE SOUND OF MY CRY & LET THE TEARS TOUCH MY SKIN I WANT TO FEEL OKAY FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I KNOW THE EMPTINESS WILL COME BACK TO ME BECAUSE IT ALWAYS DOES BUT I RATHER DIE WITH COMPANY THAN DIE BY MYSELF & UNHEARD.

My true friend who never leaves my side.
Follow me true because we've grown accustomed.
Cause only your embrace lets me feel so much.
I find solace it what hurts me so

The sorrow engulfs me when no one is looking
Pulls me down to the lowest of the low
A depth of deppresion most dare not go
And the likes of which most dont even know
But i love it when it swallows me
Let it consume me whole
Let it take my mind where i thought not to go
I FEEL, therefore IAM
I can ACKNOWLEDGE my growth
I need this feeling..

..It feeds my soul

one girl ask me how  i did to get out the deppresion
and i told her: first u take your silks and climb it every day
you leave your troubles in the floor and you see this way you climb with less weight.. the air cleans your soul, the air cleans your mind.

• BUILT YOUR HEART STONGEST AT ANY HOW..OTHERWISE IT's EASY TO BE THE PREY
BY ANYONE's HEART (still my heart is the weakest one):)
•DONT BE EQUAL WITH EVERY ONE..
JUST THINK TWICE WHAT THEY ACTUALLY
DESERVE THEN MAKE YOUR FOOTSTEP!!
(Be aware)
•MAINTAINING YOUR PRIVACY IS IMPORTANT IN EVERONE's PATH OF LIFE..
•MAKE YOUR STUDY AS ONE OF THE PRIORTY COZ U SHOULD KNOW THAT WHEN YOUR DEARIES WILL LEFT YOU ONE OR THE OTHER DAY..THESE KNOWLEDGE WILL BE THE ONLY WAY ON THAT TIME!
•DON'T BE CONCERNED ABOUT ANYONE
TOO MUCH..JUST BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF GOD AND GO ON..
•CONTROL YOUR TEARS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE TO HARDEN YOUR HEART..
•BE ENGAGE YOURSELF EVERY TIME
SO THAT YOU NEVER HAVE TO FEEL WHAT DEPPRESION IS?..
•WHATEVER YOU THINK WILL BE PLEASURE FOR YOUR LIFE DO THAT..AND WHAT YOU THINK RIGHT DO THAT DONT MAKE YOUR BUDDIES WRONG AS YOUR WRONG!
•DARE TO THINK YOURSELF AS USELESS..
YOU ARE THE BEST & YOU CAN DO ALL THE WORK WHICH YOU ARE THINKING IMPOSSIBLE..
• ALWAYS MAKE YOURSELF HUNGRY TO GAIN KNOWLEDGE!
•AND MY MOST IMPORTANT LESSON TILL TODAY IS:BE LIKE THE INNOCENT ANIMALS.
AS THEY USE OTHER ANIMALS AS FOOD..
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN TO HIDE THEM THIS MATTER? NO OFCOURSE NO...
WHEREAS WE SHOW THAT WE HAVE NICE &FRIENDLY RELATIONSHIP BUT THE REALITY IS ABSOLUTELY OPPOSITE &DISGUSTING....
BEING LIKE ANIMALS IN THIS CASE WILL BE WAY TOO FRUITFUL FOR US!!