I want to ask society why it
broke so many of its people
Why are so many productive
people feel driven to suicide
Who took their self worth and
nailed it to the mast of net worth
Why are the wealthy inflated
with arrogance and the poor
burdened by shame
Who took self esteem and
married it to our income
How did a tool of measurement
directly become value

Why is it fashionable to be rich
and look down on the poor
Why are the words of a rich man
listened to, so much more
Why do people not recognize their
small creations at the ground level
Why do we rob the poor of respect
too give too the over elevated rich
Why are the poor demotivated by shame
while pride drives on in a ruthless
appetite possessed by the rich

Who disconnected self worth from
the flower of produce and replaced
it with money
Who thought it a good idea to abandon
people on their tiny rafts and throw them
into rough waters of fear and greed
Who said fear and greed make
a good flower bed
Why have people not been guided into
deeper waters where currents flow and
a richness in the heart can be explored

7 hours of tears
An incessant cascade
Swollen eyes and pale face
Deep blue crescents carved
With blunt knives
By 1 hours sleep and
All functions cease because
You don't want me

When your 3am text shot me
It hit my spine and I was paralysed
The deepest layer of hell is ice
And that’s where my body resided
Agony spilling over into numbness
As infection set in
I stood in front of the tsunami of misery
And let it smash down on my head

I think it broke my skull
I keep finding fragments of me
On the shores of my subconscious
Trying to gently piece them together
Dedicated to the hunt and
Giving them everything
But they don’t want to come back
They say they need time

I wanted to care for you
Until you forgot how to be broken
But it was muscle memory for you
That didn't leave on whim
You had to break me too
Until I became the floor
Under your feet
That couldn't stop supporting you

I gave you my existence
But you gave me half
And I was still thirsty after
Half a glass of water
On a warm night
During passionate ***
But I'm even more parched
With the nothing I have now

Now I have to erase
Your dancing tiger eyes
Burning holes in mine
And talking
Late into the night
Until we hallucinated
And didn't know who we were talking to
Anymore

I just want you to stop leaving
Over and over
Like you do in my dreams
A thought loop I can’t leave
And even now you’re gone
You still want to play
With the wound in my chest
Picking off the scab when it tries to heal

If you had nails
You'd dig them into my brain
But you chewed them all off
Leaving unsightly stumps
So you resort to other games
Touching me tenderly
Then pushing me away
I hope you’re having fun

We were only alive during the night
You were nocturnal
And I wished the day away
So I could fall into your arms
And admire the contrast
Of our hair and skin
Rich brown on milky white
Gold on black

The sun always anaesthetised you
As it peered into your room
Stealing your essence
Leaving you a demotivated husk
But the night gave it back
And I was always grateful
That I could have the real you then
I gave up my day for my nights with you

I’d wait through all the smoking
Watching you try to fill the void
Hunting for a way
To try and straighten out
All your vicious insecurities
Too scared to deal with them sober
But you never needed to be high
For me to love you

I want my nerves to register
Your teeth clamped on my bare skin,
Pressure around my neck
And hands on my hips.
Your touch snaking all over
My fragile body
With locked lips
And your soft hair under my fingers

You infiltrate every memory
Imprinting your half smile
Behind my eyelids
I can still feel your hands
The lines they traced
I wish they'd trace more
Something to sooth
The hole in my chest

Sunlight shines through the hole but
Even as its edges become less raw
It's still punched through my chest
My heart’s missing
I hope you have it
Because I’d like it back at some point
Maybe we can plant it in the hole
And fertilise it with new flesh

I wish I could make more memories
And lie in bed with you for hours
But you won’t let me
You’re tidal, pushing and pulling
Until I disintegrate
In your sea of indecision
I’ll do whatever you want me to
I just wish it didn’t make me so sad

Deep within all of us lies an impeccable source of strength...a strength of which we are unaware and sometimes it takes an adverse and hopeless circumstance to draw it out....and once we discover it...we will realize that no goal is too big and no path is impossible...if we have the stomach for a fight and the will to learn and improve then virtually nothing is unachievable....Roger Federer winning his 18th slam at the age of 35 and Rafael Nadal winning his tenth French Open at age 31 is an inspiration to me...the fact that these legends did not give up and were ready to keep working and fight it out..has taught me one valuable lesson...even when you're going through a prolonged phase of failures never ever feel demotivated...keep your hopes up and believe in yourself...you will taste success again.

Take me as I am.
Flawed, upset, strung-out and young.
Take me now while I have this dream.
This reality today is all about fun.

Take me as I am.
Lazy, tired, demotivated, and plain.
Take me now while the sun is dark.
I sit here realizing the game.

Take me as I am.
Hungry, ambitious, eager , and true.
Take me, please take me fast.
Take me back, because I am You.

why is life so often determined by
sticking to something
one is so demotivated by?

I sit here
With intent to write
To finish projects due in hours
But, I stumbled,
Falling victim to media
And you were there,
A face I hadn’t seen in years
Staring at me through a cracked screen
A face that should be nothing less than framed,
Yet is shattered.

Unsure of why I left,
I can only imagine your thoughts,
Confusion may lie within you,
As it does me.

Was I making a point?
I forget.
Perhaps I should try to remember,
Or maybe I should leave it where it lay,
Blocked from any means of remembrance,
Just as I left you.

Was it mutual?
Probably.
For why else would you refuse contact
Other than to rid yourself of someone
Leaking toxicity, staining
Your Calvin Klein briefs
And Banana Republic sweaters
With their cheap ideas and faulty concepts.

I believed I wanted to be as good as you
And with you
And I still do,
Sometimes.
But, generally,
I think I’m better
Now.
Maybe.

Is this love?
I’m unsure.
I think I’m in love
Without you,
But also with you.
I have a second half,
Or maybe two,
Is this why I’ve felt dead?
Functioning at only a third
Of what I should be?
Demotivated and motionless,
Stationary,
Grounded
Due to hopelessness of a future
With you,
Without him?
There is no prosperity or happiness
In a life without either one
Of you
But maybe especially this one.

You’re 4000 miles away,
And you’re remarkable.
Congratulations.

i am like a lighter,

i glow, bright

i glow with ideas and creativity but
with one false motion or
one false word, im demotivated and depressed.
with one motion.

He is the bystander
watching as the words drop
to meander amongst the
audience
when the show ends
he becomes
deactivated
demotivated
putting away his thoughts of the day
and those wallowing’s of his following
on social media sites.

The hundreds of nights before and the
ones that will come
stun
his senses,

sidestepping the tut tutting,
the mutterings of the jealous
and the old press cuttings that
fall from a drawer to remind him
of a time when
he wasn’t as good as he
would become
he sees the sun rise over the Olivetti,
a ribbon trails across the floor.

An age is upon him
wearing the old bones
thin.

fin.
© 2017, John Smallshaw.

you left and i waited
my heart defibrillated
i took you back
my vision constricted
i forgot your lies
**** my demise
i just didnt want to be disintegrated
so i waited
for you to change and the past be negated
it felt like new
you felt like home
your words i mistranslated
you took my heart
and left it
obliterated
i took you back
loved you right
still all that love unrequited
but now i’m reincarnated
no longer the assassinated
you left me demotivated
but boy am I liberated
i loved you with all that i had
a love i never got back
you can have it
please keep it
i dont need it
i’ll just keep you blacklisted

When it seems,
demotivated due to the routines,
and tired of deciding in-betweens,

And all negativities work in teams,
against all your mights,
to push you back from all your heights,

Like the sunbeams,
after the couple of days,
of monsoon rains!

what come up are your dreams!
'cause of which you are here on your way,
'cause of which you will again stand up and stay!
'cause of which you will hold on again for a day, everyday!

I’m hidden, lost in despair.
These voices around me, these people, these negative energies.
I can’t take it.
I feel suicidal, I wanna get shot and never live this hell ever again.
I feel low, I feel like ****.
I feel useless, weak, ugly, lost, hated, misunderstood, trapped.
Trapped in a place I don’t want to be.
Alone in my misery.
Projecting it all out in the form of anger and judgement to others.
I feel alone.
I am not okay.
I am depressed.
I can’t talk to anyone about it.
I feel stupid.
I feel demotivated.
Judged by everyone and insane.
I feel misunderstood.
No one to depend on , but me.
I am not okay.
I feel bullied, picked on, teased.
I feel like everyone is out to get me.
I feel the need to protect myself immensely.
My spiritual energy needs cleansing.
I feel overwhelmed and anxious.
Headaches and tension.
I feel lonely.
No one to turn to.
No one I can turn to.
What do I do?