It was the twilight of the iguana.
From the rainbow-arch of the battlements,
his long tongue like a lance
sank down in the green leaves,
and a swarm of ants, monks with feet chanting,
crawled off into the jungle,
the guanaco, thin as oxygen
in the wide peaks of cloud,
went along, wearing his shoes of gold,
while the llama opened his honest eyes
on the breakable neatness
of a world full of dew.
The monkeys braided a ******
thread that went on and on
along the shores of dawn,
demolishing walls of pollen
and startling the butterflies of Muzo
into flying violets.
It was the night of the alligators,
the pure night, crawling
with snouts emrging from ooze,
and out the sleepy marshes
the confused noise of scaly plates
returned to the ground where they began.
The jaguar brushed the leaves
with a luminous absence,
the puma runs through the branches
like a forest fire,
while the jungle's drunken eyes
burn from inside him.
The badgers scratch the river's
feet, scenting the nest
whost throbbing delicacy
they attack with red teeth.

And deep in the huge waters
the enormous anaconda lies
like the circle around the earth,
covered with ceremonies of mud,
devouring, religious.

Broken-hearted she stand,
Seeking for sweet revenge,
To destroy his future plans.

Cheating was his doing,
Without her knowing.
Didn't plan on revealing,
Wanted to keep her in the dark dwelling.

Didn’t want to admit,
He was the one unfit,
To be her missing bit.

With her intentions,
To strive for vengeance,
She creates new extensions,
Adding to her inventions.

As demolishing takes precious time,
To fix this awful crime.

Goodbye for now my friend,
This won’t be the end.

We are all human beings
We all have our own lives
And different ways we live them
But each one of us is a writer
And this poem is for all of you

All of you who have virtues and use them in your writing
Those who use flashbacks and revisit mental photo albums

Beginning the story from the middle for that’s usually where you mind is at
Looking back then looking forward
Studying the past so you can be ready for what is to come

Recording catastrophes with a number two pencil

Tales and blurbs of tragedy
Caused by love or the lack there of

Rewards and punishment
Self-reliance and self-fulfillment

We are mere narrators
Humble, maybe unreliable
Equipped with numerous devices
Ironic Paradoxes
Red herrings
Fortuitous plot twists
Metaphors
Allegoric hyperboles
Analogies
Oxymorons and onomatopoeias

We sling Chekhov’s gun like bandits of literacy

We’re visionary revolutionaries
Revolution of the mind, body and soul

Changing ourselves and examining who and what we are
To become what we are destined to be
The best

Rejecting convention
Building our own paths
That lead to cliffhangers

Romantic lust
Comedic affairs
Dark massacres
Spiritual healing

Religious speculation
And the questioning of the way we, the people are being governed

We use the tools we are giving to sculpt new art that the world can stand in awe of

Personification
Symbolic imagery

Practicing pastiche with respect
Dionysian imitatio

Surreal reality
Defying mortality

Reiteration and retort

Using nature to express emotion and thought

Doubts and fear

Opposites
Morals and ethics

Satisfying curiosity

Parodying what we see
Embellishing just a little

We us word play to dive deep into the topic of conscious, subconscious and unconscious thought

Using satire to poke fun at the human condition,  its senses and perception of the universe to get readers thinking

Expressing our anger, our boundless joys
Desiring unknown pleasures

Seeing past the fallacies put before us

We write with great candor about war, personal conflicts, and self-abuse

With hinting undertones to give these ideas a second thought

We write of the supernatural, metaphysical mysteries
Outlandish, obscure mind boggling theories

As the clock ticks too fast for us and the characters we’ve created

Demolishing the fourth wall with a sledge hammer of defamiliarization

Epiphanies in a parking lot
Speaking in the 1st, 2nd or 3rd person

Using fun things like anagrams and palindromes
Candy for the lovers of such things

Spontaneity is an understatement
Nonsense is an insulting overstatement
Absurdity seems to fit just right

We are chameleons
We can write in various forms
Streams of gratifying consciousness
Brilliant prose
Beautiful poetry

And chose to use or merely acknowledge the ways to achieve these forms
Rhetoric, rhythm  and rhyme
Meter and mora
Conceit and consonance
Assonance
Intonation
Working with phonaesthetics  

And accenting aesthetics

A poem can or could not be organized as such
If we want to get technical about it

We have a poem
With a number of verses
And in those verses
Are lines
And those lines might rhyme
And have a meter or rhythm
Stressed or unstressed syllables

In contrast to that we may write
Without all of that and use emotion
Feeling and structure our work with what we feel is the best way
Line breaks
Pauses and puns
Silly similes
Ambiguous antonyms  
Intonation, linguistics
Fight against the fascists of grammar and conservative correctness

So, in the end we are writers of a rainbow kaleidoscope forms, devices, ways and ideas

But we alone are the ones who make the world think
Make it move
Revolt
Renew
Learn
Look back
Remember
Cry
Smile
Forget
Ease

Write my friends write until your mind explodes and your fingers bleed

Read, read and become inspired
Even if what you’re reading is bad cheese

Forget getting published it’s the writing that matters
Disregard the off-putting, critical chatter

And if you think no one reads
Than be the seed and sprout a tree of astounding artistry
And let’s begin a new movement composed of ideals that will hold true forever
I might be preaching to the choir but it must be said that poetry; literature isn’t dead

Sadness follows me like a lost puppy,
Looming and pattering at my feel like rain.
Whining like a smoke detector
When a child makes a mistake.
I inspire depression.
An earthquake.
I step in fairy-like
Movements, trying to be quiet
Like a woman should be.
Destruction ripples in my wake.
I am a bulldozer crashing a funeral,
Demolishing the memories we mourn.

Hello snorer, I hope you didn't sleep any poorer
when I stayed up all night typing this not-poem
I meant you no harm, but I had to stay up
Because I couldn't make music out of your obnoxiously loud cacophony of windpipe crap, er "music".  Time to not-pretend to absolutely hate your snoring under the guise of being perfectly okay with it for the sake of setting the tone a bit nicer to all who must hear it, so they can BEAR to, for otherwise it would be absurd.  Not as absurd as anyone hating to have aural drills applied to all their chakras all night, but still absurd enough to get a chuckle out of me (I hope it didn't wake your fine specimen here). It was never my intent, though it was always my ethical concern (if only everyone could be as reciprocal as you and I).   Oh, my not-pretend hatred is very thinly veiled.  I wasn't totally defeated by your snore-sound armies so that I couldn't type words, but I may have lost some of my desired effect due to the sometimes wincing distraction they caused to my piece of mind at this or that time when I needed it the most (even though I was awake, which is no crime if snoring at night and keeping me that way isn't).

Well, I did ask you if you'd mind if I typed,
I did tell you that you could tell me if its quiet purr of clicks would bother your precious sleep
But I never felt a need to be concerned, because whenever I
was typing, I heard you snore, and whenever I was in the heights of
some new discovery or epiphany, your sharp sudden thunderstroke of near death
corrugated metal vibrating in the torrent of some sudden gale force gust of wind.

These were signs to me of your restful sleep.  So I simply didn't worry about your sleep.  I was certain that my electronic beeps were every now and then music to your ears, just as they were to mine.  This is because in the midst of these I heard you snore, and when you snored, I took you to be asleep.

Ah but then again, then again, these are fanciful constructions which simply say that what is wonderful for me should be just fine and dandy with you, at a bare minimum, and on those grounds of very unsymmetrical attitude about right and wrong I would have to begin my music tirade of words as well.  But I don't view justice and propriety along such selfish lines as these.

What I see is that duplicity is your thesis.  I have anecdotal accounts which are marvelous to behold first hand, but the details of the absurdities cannot be done justice in the language of men, for the intensity of such insanity can only be borne lightly by the frailest frayed ends of my sanity for having lived through your acoustically maddening inanity.

You didn't ever admit to me that my noises were not music to YOUR ears.  Indeed  you claimed never to be bothered by them because you never voiced up against them.  I suppose you might as well voice up against them in the street as well if it turns out not all of you snorers-go-a-viking types like to hear my mouse clicking away like a tapping noises on a metal plate in your skull.  Sorry if it is another non-snorer-who-must-stay-up-late-and-so-be-occupied person whose nocturnal joys were misinterpreted as direct assaults on the dignity, spirit, or just basic mental viability of your wounded snoremonster troop of anti-late-stayer-uppers, because in fact, we used to be sleep-at-night-entities like you, but that was before you showed up, thoracic marching band in tow.  Marching bands are musical also, to some people.  And for some all hours of the night are perfect for a marching band.  Who am I to tell them otherwise.  

Well let me know the next time a marching band is given special permit to come through your neighborhood at night, and I'll be glad to point out to you the first Snorer'sville, because only they should be expected, in all justice to live with the macroscopic manifestation of their personal narcissistic paradises.

Let you all go to your own place and form your own nation, and see if you can consistently demand everyone else find music in your ****** and accursed racket!  But until then I expect some of you will have to take the damage returned by the growing number of people who are very much tired of living under the horrors of your infliction upon us, your demonic and evil tyranny of mind-crushing hate that is your ****** noise.  We will do yoga and breathe, and stretch, and some light calesthenics to relax and seek some focus and composure, whenever our spirits require, and this will be unchallenged by you so long as you are asleep, and it will be unchallenged by you so long as you are awake too.  For in the latter case you are already awake (and so still are we, usually) while in the former case it is far quieter than your snoring, both in its valleys and peaks.  And moreover it has not kept you up, but in fact I have noted that you wake yourself up with your own music when it reaches a certain crescendo.  

Unless you want to say that those crescendos are some sort of involuntary complaint about MY crescendos of spirit, when I start typing about 20% faster than normal, with perfect focus and accuracy while reaching an aesthetic pleasure approaching ****** as I realize that it is almost unerringly in the midst of such an experience that I hear your crescendo resound. And since it was no more intended to be a distraction for me, then surely my music must have also gone undetected by your ears, as well as your spirit. Or is it fairer to say it was the very cause of your crescendo, or at least its inspiration?

Therefore I needn't worry that it is I that is keeping you up, even if for only brief stints at a time, especially by comparison to my all-night vigils.  Not so, but it is you who are so enraptured by my occasional laughs or giggles as I edify my weary, sleep-deprived mind on some bit of morale boosting entertainment.  With headphones on of course.  It's also courteously plugged into the computer to prevent my favorite bit of Judas Priest from hurting your ear drums, or else overstimulating your music appreciation centers, which are verily attached to your ear-drums by a nerve bundle (and what nerve you all have there).  This means I've spared you too much distraction from any already-abundant music of the spheres effect you may be savoring which might have emanated from my bumbling around in the dark (to keep the lights out of course, after all people are sleeping).

Yes but that is a minority of you perhaps, who would lie about that and in fact who ought to say that our nocturnal emissions are not what you'd call restfully mind-relaxing crickets in the dead of night with an occasional hoot in the distance...  But they are a minority, the rest of you are so definitely in good faith.

But then why do I always run into those of your tribe who have strange and unethical habits, such as destroying others' lives by ruining their one perhaps most preciously personal and inalienable need second only to air and water, and that is sleep.  It is, in terms of acute necessity, in many ways more needed than food, though in the long term food catches up.  But food catches up only because not eating food is a  lot like not getting sleep, but just a lot more intense on the body when it drops to some critical point because we know from experience it is on raw nerves that we can go for a while in search of food, but if the food can't be found (perhaps because of our lack of sleep ruining our cognition in some way), then we will not eat, nor sleep, because we'll be dead.  

But either way, we'll be dead, for lack of sleep kills, both directly and indirectly, if suffered over a short time and/or in a diluted form over a long time.  That would be poetically commensurate to the sadistic similitude of the types of snoring sounds with the types of ways to die from being deprived of sleep according to two modes (acute and chronic), over many keys of incident, accident, lost opportunity and ill-stared fate, all of which can be mapped in some way back to that auditory persecution of our very souls of which your kind are in some swelling numbers quite proud.  Just think of all the car accidents, work accidents, altercations, fits of rage, inability to concentrate well or sometimes at all, and other life-damaging conditions of the mind, and also of the body, which accrue from lack of proper and healthy sleep at night!

Good thing for most of you though, right?  Because surely our music is also sweet, and I really hope I've inspired many to face this need for equality, and be on their guard against any unjust whining or groaning from those who seem in point of fact to value their sleep just a good deal more than they value anyone else's.  Not only because they really really love to get those zzz's but because they think that in the natural order of things, before people suddenly went mad and evil, people went to bed and slept well even partly BECAUSE of this brachio-esophageal orchestral lullaby.

But we'll be on our guard against those complaints, because we know you have plotted to take to the streets against us to defend your noisiness-all-night-every-night rights.  So we'll be on guard to defend ours, TO THE LAST FIBER OF OUR BEING.

Because you insufferable ******* are cruel, and cruelty no one should abide.  No one in my world, in my society of people, will be allowed to inflict cruelty on another person, nor be callously prejudicial in their own favor when injuries do occur because of their actions merely on the grounds that the damage it causes coincides with the fulfillment of a need on their own part, even while that fulfillment is of a need which is obstructed from satisfaction in the other part, and by THAT VERY SAME REASON, so that your sleep depends on keeping others awake.  UNLESS you can somehow con or coerce them into developing some form of Stockholm Syndrome and confuse the torment you inflict upon them with a sign of your love and wonderfulness to be around.

Yes, I know you hear me typing now, through your well-behaved proxy.  I feel it. If not he per se, then in a parallel universe not too far off, there's a version of him who does.  Perhaps not the one I know now, on day one of having moved into this room, but perhaps one represented in this universe by someone who has found himself in some sort of circumstances found later on during his stay, this mixed with the fact that familiarity breeds contempt... He'll start making some righteous demands of some kind, and I might not be in a such a good mood about that due to lack of proper sleep, and this will coincide with said contumacy against my own rights (such as to breathe, type, surf the net, or do other nocturnal things other than snoring which might keep others up).

As to that last point in parentheses, snoring is an activity which you perform in conjunction with your getting sleep, and it therefore means not well for your notion of fairness to say things as they are, and simply say the truth, which is that your getting sleep deprives others of theirs, but it can be logically deduced.

It can also be logically deduced that the don't give flying **** if you don't like the fact that we don't like your ear-**** night after night, which is a good name as any, but should perhaps at times be amended to body-demolishing soul-****** of a mortally sinful nature, and with an ethical incongruity to good character of a person to maintain it, all the more to sings its praises to us and call it "good poetry".

My skin is poked by 10,000 needles
I feel like im burning and getting
electrical shocks,all over my body...
I'm dry my moisture is no longer
every day that passes I feel my skin getting dryer.
My eyes see blur my ears cant hear...My bones  & Muscles feel stiff and tight im cracking bones to
Lift some pain my fingers are tingling
And my ankles are acheing ...
My nails wont grow my feet hurt
and sting as my stregnth weakens Im dieing lets face it....

1.
One beat at a time,
Sound
Reaching in, pulling your core out
until you are exposed, open,
expanding.
Your chest flowering into eternity with the vibration
Following a stream of being
Mapped out by chords and rests,
pulses, breaths.
The sound navigates you through the waters
Avoiding obstacles
Demolishing barriers and erecting bridges to shores unknown,
so far from home:
Someone else’s epiphany, piped into your lungs and heart.

2.
You’re being pulled out to the event horizon
Stretching towards a black hole
A place of possibilities, not of endings:
Your own boundaries are blurring, erasing.
You, as you float out in space:
You are only your heartbeat, your blood,
life force being pushed forward in time.

3.
The sound
Dissolves your body, shakes apart molecular bonds,
temporality becoming vibration and simple infinity
You are nothing, obliterated
You are everything, integrated
(Perfectly,
Ultimately)
The sound

4.
You find yourself, alive
There in the deep, bass bones of it
And up in the high treble cry of it
And all the substance/flesh/marrow/meat
in between

I’m the type to holster mental index cards of things to say on a first date
But no matter how much I study, my words never withstand the test of time.
Eventually, sweet nothings cause ear canal cavities from sultry words too often indulged.

Love made me want to rip my pulsing heart out of my chest and place him on a table just for interrogation.
I would ask, why he would trust so easy when he should know better than anyone that no love, melody, or beat goes on forever.

But what an exceptional construction worker you’ve become.  
Demolishing hearts as if the blueprint to my soul has become obsolete.
Words spewed from your mouth with the power of a wrecking ball that collided with my 5’7 frame.
So unpredictable that I doubled over from the pain.
I crumbled as if I was an ancient building way pass my prime.
And I’m still searching through the rubble to find any salvageable pieces.
Maybe I can recover a missing part of my smile and plaster it back into place, though it will never fit quite the same.
You ****** slowly on my bone marrow and your lack of concern made me insane.

Before I slept, I sprinkled immaculate images of you on my eyelids as if I was the Sandman.
Thoughts of you embraced my dreams, and it was the only way I could find serenity in my slumber.

I will never again activate the synapses in my brain that saw you as a god that descended to earth.
You ripped my psyche to shreds like a cannibalistic cupid who lost sight of the agenda.
To create love, not to pierce it with vindictive arrows.  

Now all you are to me is this poem.
A poem.
Letters, words, and stanzas.
You don’t even deserve the time it took me to write this.
You do not deserve the effort of my joints smacking the keys when I find the next thought of how you hurt me.

Like sacred paintings in newly discovered caves, I tattooed the inner walls of my cerebral cortex with memories of you.
It would be there forever. Waiting to be discovered by the next person that walks into my life with a torch filled with hope.
Illuminating my dark, damp and lonely cave.

When the next woman crosses my path and wonders why I get a verbal tic from the word love, I will unlock those same chambers of my mind and show her the walls that you’ve left your worthless signature on.

I hope she will be able to understand that I can let her onto the front porch, but it will be some time before she gets to see my home.
Because, it’s really messy in there.
***** dishes in the sink, books thrown on the ground, an unkempt bed, and my confidence and self-worth hung up to dry on the clothesline.

You cannot just rent a space in someone’s home and then leave without a month’s notice.

You were my addiction,
I injected your ******* essence and I was high on life when you were near.
So close that you coursed through my veins and made me feel alive.
Every now and again I get that familiar itching of an addict.
I am itching, just to text you.
Just a simple hello.
I get urges to find you.
To cop another one of your addictive glances straight into my two liquid pools of inexperience.
I never thought addictions were this hard to kick.

Forget…?      Not yet.

I was a little kid one day
I knew nothing but how to play
Once we had a big house and a tree
The paradise I used to see
I was playing with other boys
Around the tree with different toys
I always had a dream in my head
To grow up, be bigger than a kid
I always had a wish
Never to know grief or anguish
Did I forget…..?
Never….not yet.

One day I had black hair
Satisfied with my parent's care
I knew nowhere but my parents' embrace
I knew that is our house and our place
I still remember my white kite
Flying over our house before my sight
Going to school with friends of my age
Once I was young … a little page
Once we had a full life of our own
Once we had our sun and moon
Did I forget…..?
Never ……not yet.


Suddenly I grew up a thousand years
With cries, grief and tears
It was the first time to hear about Zionist occupiers
Of our own life, they are defiers
Everything turned upside down one day
My black hair turned into grey
They destroyed our house and tree
Heard lots of desperate cries…Alas, it was me!
And showed up one Zionist
And said to me "Get out, terrorist"
Did I forget…….?
Never….,not yet.


My own parents, they brutally slew
Our house and tree, they fiercely up blew
I had no ability even to weep
As terror into my heart began to creep
Our own life, they have stolen
Our house and tree have fallen
Zionists shouted, "We came to take your land"
Your sky, desert and sand
They said, "Of our own land-get out
With guns' and tanks' shout
Did I forget?
Never, not yet

I began to walk away and run
Under flaming sky and weeping sun
They forced me to desert my land, what a vile!
In my own country, everlasting exile!
All houses, schools and mosques, they demolished
All our friends and relations, they perished
Under my feet I lost my way
In my country, I became astray
My parent slept in eternal peace
They took every comfort and left me no piece
Did I forget?
Never, not yet

I was looking for a place to settle
With no food and water was so little
A while passed and saw some kids like me
They ran away, they did nothing but to flee
We lived together
We were brother to brother
Recalling what happened before our eyes
And our cries reached the skies
Everyone, his story, told
With weather was so cold
Did I forget?
Never, not yet


We promised each other
To defend our country together
We would get back our land
Arm with arm and hand to hand
We are stronger with the power of faith
We have no fear to face
Together we would sweep them out
With our faith, without doubt
The day will come so soon
And get back our sun and moon
Did we forget?
Never, not yet


Pain and torture they invent
With horror and deliberate intent
Every time they **** one of ours
The more we gain powers
One day they will definitely taste the same pain
That's what we keep in heart and brain
They make our streets full of bones
We are much stronger with stones
Keep demolishing houses more and more
We have more stones and they are our weapon and cure
Did we forget?
Never, not yet


As long as there is a drop of sweat
Our country will come back to us as we expect
As long as there is a drop of blood in our vein
Our struggle would never be in vain
We will achieve our own dream
We will cross every sea and stream
To see a green branch of leaves
Only when the last Zionist leaves
Our relations whose lives they sacrifice
In a procession direct to paradise
With prophets and martyrs they live together
An eternal life that would never wither
Did we forget?
Never, not yet

The land is ours and forever will remain
Despite all people, they **** and detain
On the land where Jesus Christ once put his feet
The same land will witness their defeat
Zionists plant sorrow  and envy
God is watching and destiny
We have God's right
With which dawn overcomes long night
Did we forget?
Never, not yet


Al Aqsa weeps and calls
Its lobbies and halls
So many martyrs on its land, no matter
For the pigeon again to come and flutter
Despite all Zionists' crimes, the world turned the deaf ear
Our dream is getting closer, it is very near
For our country we come like water flow
Yearning for our clear sky and blue
We never surrender or agree
To be slaves after being free
Did we forget?
Never, not yet


Our waiting will never be so long
Jerusalem and Al-Aqsa to us they belong
We will get our right back
And put an end to the night so black
We will get our life again
And get our land every mount and plain
Al-Aqsa will open again to pray
And will never be an easy prey
Our kids will never be slaves
With freedom every new born behaves
Did we forget?
Never, never, never, not yet.

There is a blue stain from my pajamas blotched upon the white wall from where you pushed me up against. From when your hips gridded against my thighs, a graph with linear equations that doubled and doubled and tripled. From when your fingers found the furrows inside my skin, planting seeds I am eager yet scared to see blossom.

There is a blue stain from my pajamas specked upon the wall, from when our hunger was too ravenous for even the wolves I tried to suppress. From the sweat I licked off and tasted sweeter than gumdrops coated with honey. From when my legs found your waist, squeezing, Medua’s hair demolishing a man too good, too tasty. From where your palms collided with my wrists, blacks and blues and yellows shooting through closely knit pores.

There is a blue stain from my pajamas splattered upon the wall, and I pass it with a smirk, feeling the presence of you. What will be our next victim, I wonder

they'll lock us in to quiet us
close the door,
turn the key,
and swallow it.
the walls will be soundproof but
our hearts will be deathproof and
our voices will shatter the glass in the small windows
that let our light out.
when these walls come down around us,
they'll hear me screaming for miles in every direction:
i love you echoing in time with the sound
our our heartbeats
and no locked door can stop that.

In an instant, I’m back in that two-bedroom
apartment on Monte Park Ave, in old town Fair Oaks. Where family photos and live plants cluttered the already small space. It was a Monday night, February 13,2012, the day before Valentines Day, doing a routine visit to see my mama. The woman, who had birthed and loved me, as best as she could, with the tools life had equipped her with. This visit was different I could sense it. The moment I stepped foot onto that beige carpet and looked into her sunken green eyes. The cancer, cirrhosis and hepatitis C that had eaten at her liver the last two and a half years was coming to an end. My mother was a hardened woman, hardened by life. Crimes that had been committed against her and crimes she’d committed against herself continually ate at her. She was still able to shower an immense, unconditional love on us kids; in the days she was able to function, without the inevitable numbing. Those days didn’t last long, until she’d check out again.
As an adult the childhood ghosts of her past, were relived through her. So much to the point she allowed the destruction and pain to take ahold of her thoughts and entire being. The darkened corners of her life would begin to suffocate her.
As kids we’d often wake to her drunken blackouts after the town bars closed. She’d destroy the furniture in my home, demolishing anything within arms reach. Police would come often, we would hide…fearful…always fearful. She would sober up and check herself into rehab and do well for a while. We always hoped it would just one day end and she would be okay. The cycle just seemed to continue, for years, then decades. We would see fragments of her amazing personality, deep gentle heart and willingness to love hard and stay tough. Then it would be wiped away and knocked out of her when she’d run. Slowly, we lost pieces of her throughout the years.
My mom came to know a relationship with God in the last years of her life. I could sense a peace within her, but it was plain to see, she still carried regrets. Alcohol and drugs were her numbing medicine of choice to drown out the pain of the past. Even in her last days, she’d attempt to drink away the pain. I’d hold her feeble hands, sitting on her couch and pray with her. Pray for peace to finally consume her mind. Ever since I was a child, I had always felt like her mother. I wanted to save her, protect her, help her to see her worth in God.

It was just three months prior to her diagnosis, and I had found her cold and almost lifeless on her apartment floor. She had attempted suicide. It was late at night. I hadn’t heard from her in two days. I had that motherly gut wrenching feeling that something wasn’t right. Remembering the key I had to her apartment, I rushed out the door in only a bathrobe to check on her. I unlocked her front door; my heart hit the ground as I carefully turned the living room corner, to see her body, still, by the foot of her bed. In a numb haze, I checked her pulse and lifting her off the floor, I wailed and called on the name of Jesus, Jehovah Rapha – the God who heals, El – Shaddai – an almighty God. Peace flooded the room as I claimed this womans broken life and soul in his name. I laid her on her bed and held her, waiting for the ambulance to come. Those next four days in the hospital were torturous. As her body fought to rid itself of the toxins she’d consumed in an attempt to end the misery. Handcuffed to the hospital bed, I watched her sweat, cry and wail. I would pray. He’s here. He’s the healer. Even in that state God loved my mother, she was his child, even when she was most unlovable, he held her.

It is now, less than three years later, that I am watching her life slowly drain.
I can distinctly remember the aroma that I woke to, on Tuesday, February 14th, 2012. Having slept a horrid nights sleep, on my mothers’ living room floor the night before. I knew the end was near.
I would wake hourly to check on her, while she was asleep on her couch. Normally, she would take her meds every three hours. This night, she had slept more than ten straight hours. Drenched in sweat, she awoke. She called to me to help her to the bathroom. Her husband and I each held her arms and pulled her to her feet. Halfway to standing she began to hemorrhage blood. Gallons, literally gallons of blood spilled out of her. Her husband began to scream. We were never prepared for this. Never was hemorrhaging mentioned in all of the hospice nurse and doctors visits. Unable to call 911 due to the DNR (do not resuscitate) forms my mom signed. We slowly walked her to the bathroom. Blood poured out of her body in what seemed to be the longest walk ever, leaving a trail of what was left of her life down that hallway.
Expecting her to collapse, doing my doggone best to act calm as her husband cried and screamed frantically. We laid towels over the toilet and sat her down hoping to stop the hemorrhaging and call the hospice nurses to come to her home. Once I let go of the grip I had on my moms arm, I grabbed Drews face and ordered him to breathe and quit screaming. My mother sat, silent, she looked up at us, our hands and feet covered in blood, both frantically searching for the nurses numbers in our cell phones in a shaky mess. She quietly said, “please calm down”. I wrapped my arms around her, sitting there looking faint, expecting for her to hit the floor at any moment.
No child should ever have to see their mother bleed to death. I felt as though I was in a dream. Everything was hazy. Yet, God was there. I could only rely on his strength to keep me calm, to handle the situation, as Drew lost his mind and my mom was quickly losing life.
This couldn’t possibly be the end, I said to myself. Gently lifting her to her feet, we guided her down the remainder of the hall, to her bedroom; to the hospital bed she would spend her remaining days on. I stripped my mom of her blood-drenched clothing. Bathed and diapered her, as she had to me for many years as an infant. Those last days felt like an eternity. Going home to shower and take a short break from the death unfolding in front of my eyes, I was fearful she would slip away in my one-hour absence. I went to the store to buy my momma the last bouquet of roses I would ever give to her. I lit the candle next to her flowers. I played music, read and sang to her in those last hours. Massaged her hands and feet with lotion, as I’m sure she did to me as a baby. I prayed for her and over her. Watched her husbands’ heart break into a billion pieces, as he would walk around their apartment and cry. Still then, God was there.

“ With all lowliness and meekness, with long suffering, forbearing one another in love”.
Ephesians 4:2

Amidst the pain, the known regrets, fear and sadness, he’s the comforter. Not understanding why my eyes and heart had to burned with such tragic memories in watching her suffer, Gods peace lied there and he strengthens when we have none.

“ I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me”.
Phillipians 4:13

That final night, I had known. Sitting in the living room with one of my dearest friends Shawna and Drew,
I stood up “ we need to go check on her “ I said, as I stepped in her room, she was struggling to take her last breaths. Her husband ran to the far side of the bed and held onto her, wailing. I grabbed her hand and my friend grabbed mine.
She was fighting to breathe, her arms flailing.
I told her it was ok to go. To finally let go.
I fought to speak those words to her and to make them sound believable. Wishing she could just climb up off of that bed, healthy and smiling and hold me.
When she took her last breath. I watched her body lose its vibrancy. Shaken and strangled with anxiety, I threw up on the floor next to her bed. Having known the struggles and regrets this precious woman bore in her lifetime…and how at that moment…she’d have given anything to redo it.

“As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.”
Psalm 103:12

Do I know if my mother truly believed an all-consuming savior that died for us wholly loved her?
I don’t.
Do I have complete contentment that she passed with all the peace that God intended for us to have?
I don’t.

Which has led me to this. When the fateful day of my existence here on earth, ceases to watch another sunrise…what will my precious babies have to say of me?
I have nurtured every one of them; kissed chubby piggy toes and sang silly songs.
I, like many, have made heart-wrenching mistakes despite knowing Gods love for me.
All in an attempt to fill a God shaped whole in my heart.

“Those who rest in the shelter of the most high will find rest in the shadow of the almighty.”
Psalm 91:1

What will my beautiful daughters and handsome son be able to reflect upon, after my passing?
Perhaps this was his plan after all.

“It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes”
Psalm 119:71

He is in fact the author.

“O Lord, thou hast searched me and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off”
Psalm 139:1-2

Every intricate detail of my life, from the gory to treacherous to beautiful and serene was written.
God gives first, second, third, fourth, fifth , sixth and beyond chances, just waiting for me to see who I am…in him.
In this short 30 years of my life, I’ve fallen short.
What matters, is the here, the now and the tomorrow.
Can I actually attain all of the attributes of the woman in Proverbs 31?

“Her children arise up and call her blessed; her husband also praiseth her”
Proverbs 31:28

Will my children be able to say this of me?
Will my sleepy eyed babies awake to drunken rages, as I did as a child…or a woman on her knees in prayer at suns rising?
I will strive daily, hourly, minute by minute to fight back the rising of my flesh, any hateful words that might ******* and distractions from what life is really created for…all on my knees before a God whose love consumes.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6

DEAR JUSTICE,
                       Every act that day
                       revealed their involvement,
                       in their regions, blood pools lay,
                       as deep dug the predicament,
                       death and displacement left all awry,
                       cries of agony crawled, crumbling all.
                       JUSTICE! They have drawn a blank today,
                       branding them WAHESHIMIWA, the gall,
                       visiting us with ‘aid’ and false word, here in the tent,
                       where they just shove us in the recent,
                       their dope remains in minds of the awakened,
                       in those suits we see spooks  good at demolishing
                       stretch your hand and dispense a mete from them
                       for in you we reckon that they will pay.

The stars they soar
As your smile it shoots through my veins
Demolishing the remains
Of previous trespassers
And the imprints they left.
You brush away soiled footprints
With one swift kiss
Placed delicately on my lips
And in an instance,

I am cherry cola bottles,
Cotton candy, funfair rides
Without a care in the world
I am racing down slides
With you i am ebbing with the tides,
Not against.
I am nights on the town,
A princess with a crown,
A smile, not a frown,
I don't drown today
All because you say
You love me.

I am floating
Floating high, high as a kite
I am amongst the stars and beyond
There is no need for a magic wand
To make my dreams come true
They are all embedded in you.

Chemistry pulsates between us
Two women from Venus.
The looks we exchange put to shame
Any love sonnet or story
You call my name
And angels sing
The joy you bring
Unexplainable.

With you I am strong
There is no matter of right or wrong
With you I belong
I am the most beautifully
Constructed piece of literature, song.
With you I am alive,
And living
This love your giving
Oh this love your giving
Could feed thousands.
With you I am complete
And there is no need to compete
For satisfaction
Because with you I am always satisfied
With you I am ebbing with the tide
Not against it.

You are the fight I swore I had ran out of
Months ago
You are the sheer beauty, purity and excitement
Of glistening snow
And I know wherever I go
You will follow.
You are the gentle breeze
The moments I seize
With both hands
And tie tightly to my heart
Every day is a fresh start.
You don't weigh me down,
You lift me up,
With you I stand on mountains
I drink from fountains
I laugh and smile
And for awhile
I am me,
The me I always sought to be.

And though the sands of time
Sift peacefully between us
Your grasp it tightens
There is no need to be frightened.

There is a reason for everything
You are,
My reason for existing,
A ring, a promise.
Safe and sound,
Til the ground parts us.
We shall be partners.
In crime, worlds at a time
We dance, our romance
Something that could never be crammed into words
Or wrapped up in poetry
For we,
You and me.
Are infinite, eternal.
And what we share
Indescribable.
You will always be my first and final
Love.

Love, love, love
I love you.

A wave of sadness,
Crashing like a great tsunami,
Smothering the fire of ecstasy,
Drenching the towers of hope,
Flooding the meadows of courage,
Demolishing the forest of pride,
But one thing stands tall, just one,
It’s love, love will not crumble.

Destroy
January 26, 2012  

I been swaggin’ while the haters keep raggin’.
But they goin’ nowhere, pants saggin’.
I knock ‘em down one by one, black baggin’.
I ain’t got time to join ‘em, I just run ‘em over with my wagon.

But look, now by the time that I’m through,
Its like there’s been a demolishing crew
If you think you can cross me.
Yeah if you try to come hurt me.
I’ll take every single dollar, and every last cent.
I’ll **** up your ****, I don’t show mercy, no repent.

I will rise to the top,
Hell no, I won’t stop.
Haters just wanna see me flop.
‘cuz every big mess needs a mop.

I’ll take my seat on the throne.
Have a  sip, good patron.
Spend a moment, clean up my spill.
****, now I’ve got some time to ****.

Through pasts of the neglected
memories are to be forgotten
Sudden cries out for scrutiny
where punishment is quality
behind creaking wooden doors

Where cries of affection are forbidden
Echoing silence is the new existence
Beliefs of optimism are secluded
Time lost and forever diminished
behind creaking wooden doors

Who was once content
Running through fields of flowers
demolishing slices of birthday cake
now imprisoned in the hands of a stranger
behind creaking wooden doors

Never to be brought home
Dreams of merriment are inferior
Weakness grows its’ strength
Whispers of prayers are fallacious
behind creaking wooden doors

blekk, this ******* ragoon man
crab paste yuck
my stomach is festering in wounds of American Chinese
they put poison in my foods and I indulge and this is the result
final laid down rest
it feels
as
if
blekkk
the white rice is nice and the lo mein, don't even get me started
                                               i Love it
noodles and rice covered in grease
                                                          ­                                        spied on from a box of spare ribs
they saturate in Sat Fat, check the label                781 SAT FATS PER SERVING  

Looper was good, and I was stuffed through all of it
grease traps, formed from my age of 5, filled to their brim this evening
starting a day with number 10 from Macdoe's: poor choice
smoke some grass and write a bit
that settles the swoosh of pirates fighting in my intestines
i give bloating a 75% definitive yes
                              25% maybe
          
          reality is
          I poisoned myself

don't do take out
don't eat what is not from its own country                                and made the same way
you know those ******* who make it are not eating the same **** thing
point is, I feel like Wesley Snipes and Sylvester Stallone are DEMOLISHing within.

...
"She is indeed the happiest Oracle of Leo the Lion,
            born as his innocent prophet
                                     of divine sunlight~
tumbling~
                  spilling;
                 ­                  "eternal flower."
                                                        ­        :to recite the amber
                                                           ­      prophecies with
                                                         the lions ~fire'tongue~
                                                   in showers of orange rain.
She was the king's candle;
      a starlit lantern of medallion grace.
She wears a dress of violet promises and peace
              that tickles the wind to knock on the sky.
Asking the nightfall of questions in sleeping stars~
                                         "Why do I miss her?"
Her words were fused with kindness and marigolds;
                to cleanse the darkest infections within
                                                              a lion's soul
                                               and his injured pride.
                                             
You are so lonely, Leonie.
With your heart forgotten in the lions cave.
                   Loyalty is built on your visions and bones.
Yellow masks that paint the walls of your prison,
              and it's a sadness that the king cannot mend.
              So this isolation becomes the voice of reason.
and freedom is the voice of treason.

Deep within the lions den, the ceiling fell at 2 a.m,
twisting~
             buckling;
                        demolishing,
                  ­                      :stones falling to their knees.
With hope and reckless saltwater dreams
                    she fled with ember feet to see
the moonlight showering in.

Notes of silver plucked the wind,
         as ink and blue stirred the rubble
There stood a girl, on cracked stone table;
with a white rabbits' mask and metallic hair.
         Willow vines weeping along her arms
dress as deep as crow feathers;
                         and the hush of a dragon's wing
swinging from her neck;
                        crystals throwing light in her wake.

"My prophecy said you would come."
futures that unravel at a white line in the dust;

                           And the darkness pulled on her robes of silk;
                                           while she took off the mask
                              and blue eyes met golden windows
                       Descending to meet the oracle in wisdom;
                               a warning whispered to her
                                         ties with solitude
        The moon spoke with a thousand tongues that night;

"You have to roar Leonie; So the heavens can hear you."
...

Flag of my fathers

When will the winds of equality
lift you from your languid prison?

When will your 12,000,000
illegals be given shelter
beneath your furled stars?

Flag of my fathers

When will you be worthy
of your returning veterans?

I'm tired of them washing
my windows for spare change
beneath the overpass

Flag of my fathers

When will your gays and lesbians
be more than fodder for bible
thumping patriots?

I was a bible thumping patriot
once but I never hated the gays

I'm tired and broke Flag of my fathers

The bank wants my house
and the Chinaman wants my job

He's welcome to it if he can get
the Indian to give it up

The doctor wants my money
but it's all been squandered
on promises and broken dreams

I call for equality Flag of my fathers
and they call me a communist

I'm not a communist but if communists
believe in equality, was Jefferson
a communist?

Flag of my fathers

They tell me to leave if I don't like
the way things are but where will I go?
Mexico's crowded and Canada's cold

The government tells me 'get a job'
but the corporation says 'get an education'
The University hands me a bill
and when I can't pay
they tell me 'get a job'

It's all ****** up Flag of my fathers

It doesn't make any sense

I've got a headache, leave me
alone

I'm so tired

Watching shadows crawl across
the wall is dull even for a slow
witted fool like me

Flag of my fathers

Why are we at war?
Why are we closing our museums
and demolishing our libraries?
Why are we feeding our military
and starving our vets?

It's too much to take
Flag of my fathers

It's too **** much to take...

Flag of my fathers

When will the winds of equality
lift you from your languid prison?

When will your 12,000,000
immigrants get a fair shake
beneath your furled stars?

Flag of my fathers

When will you be worthy
of your returning veterans?

I'm tired of them washing
my windows for spare change
beneath the overpass

Flag of my fathers

When will your gays and lesbians
be more than fodder for bible
thumping patriots?

I was a bible thumping patriot
once but I never hated the gays

I'm tired and broke Flag of my fathers

The bank wants my house
and the Chinaman wants my job

He's welcome to it if he can get
the Indian to give it up

The doctor wants my money
but it's all been squandered
on promises and broken dreams

I call for equality Flag of my fathers
and they call me a communist

I'm not a communist but if communists
believe in equality, was Jefferson
a communist?

Flag of my fathers

They tell me to leave if I don't like
the way things are but where will I go?
Mexico's crowded and Canada's cold

The righties tell me 'get a job'
but the jobies say 'get an education'
The Universities hand me a bill
and when I can't pay
they tell me 'get a job'

It's all ****** up Flag of my fathers
and doesn't make any sense

I've got a headache, leave me
alone

I'm so tired

Watching shadows crawl across
the walls is dull even for a slow
witted fool like me

Flag of my fathers

Why are we at war?
Why are we closing our museums
and demolishing our libraries?
Why are we feeding our military
and starving our vets?

It's too much to take
Flag of my fathers

It's too **** much to take...

The true essence of a woman
has never truly been understood
From the Spanish demolishing our cultures
to the way that they are viewed and treated in the hood.

I don't like the use of the word *****
Whether you're rich or poor
upper or middle class
or a ******* lying in a ***** ditch

In our indigenous tribal times
women were respected, revered and held in a high regard
the damage from a European psychology
has pierced our mindsets and left men and society deeply scarred

Try to keep you dumb, barefoot, and pregnant in the kitchen wishing,
while he is out there acting a fool
trying to be a player straight fishing

I'm talking about a  species that not only can bear a life
but a being that can hold a job
help with homework, cook, and be a **** wife

Or maybe baby daddy was never really there
or maybe he's stuck in the judicial system
in a cell staring at the wall with a blank stare

Single strong mama doing it all by her self
playing the mother and father
being the comforter and still having to pull out the belt

Tu-pacs dear mama was real and said it the best
until you've grown up with a single mother
you're probably tripping like the rest

I love you, respect you
and truly understand your pain
don't trip mami, I see you and all that work
that you have put in is not in vain

Keep grinding and working hard
continue to do all that you can
I feel you're and got your back
I'm your number one fan

And if your man doesn't appreciate you
and treat you like the Queen that you are
My advice, ditch the punk, be on your own
or find a king that treats you like a true superstar.

I am drifting black
With a rotten promise of suppressed sorrows
That each breath
Each heartbeat
Every footstep
Delivers me closer to a beast

The foul scent of eucalyptus hangs in the air
Welcoming me to this filthy place
Wind howling as I open the door
A sickening reminder...

As images echo, a monster lies in wait
Hiding under a cloak of normal
But, at the edge of that disguise there is a tiny thread
I tugged it

In the stale air, the disguise deteriorated
Demolishing the monsters power over the innocent
I saw the scars of lives destroyed littered across the face of a predator

And I told...

Still a child; fragile, undefined -
trembling, timid and shy -
a body curling inwards
- petals and moonlight -
we're magnetised:
this shared desperation and
fumbling adolescent shame.

A throbbing, suffocated silence -
lost hands and strangled hysteria.
Achingly tiny,
shattered-glass bones flutter,
colliding and entangling;
causing the skin to lift
and contort. To ebb -
a fluid - a pulse.

His shoulder-blades
(the crushingly delicate shiver
of butterfly wings)
cast splintered, mosaic shadows
(sharp and electric
to trace) along
the gasping, groaning spine...

Pharate, we're demolishing ourselves
in a gorgeous, stumbling,
careless collapse -
colliding in cold frenzy, desperate
to hide - burrow - entomb --
to bury ourselves - his mesmerising flesh.

Rasping out - teeth and lip
and tongue - ravenous,
animalistic despair.
With timid breath - to rip, devour, engulf --
to hiss and **** delicious venom.
An ache - a yearning - for absorption,
for skin, for blood -
to be consumed and to consume -
to feel every pain of it -
to be wrecked - to become
the same debris.

I spill out into his shadows,
his indents, his cuts and curves -
their fervent whimpers, electrified palpitations -
and he to mine:
It's as though we're eclosing,
these golden deodorant nymphas - we're quaking through;
tearing apart every sad smother of silk - and now
desolate; forever nothing
but drifting, lambent dust.

Skin like porcelain -
cold and wrong to touch -
yet stomachs hot,
hurtling hot.
Flesh winces - ripples - under
premature pain.
("I'm sorry. I")
He crumbles, cuts
my thighs
and leaves us both with
scars that we, as scars, forever treasure;
and with veins seeping Hemolymph;
to heal, to beat, to grow.

I am not sure which is bloodier, more gruesome –
birth or death. It is like asking God if he prefers Eve to Adam
for demolishing that false sense of security,
specks of pride dissolved in snake venom apples.
There is mourning in creating monsters
as there is in killing them: I see starving children with
round, pregnant bellies and somehow they are more at peace than
I am on my best day. We will understand when we are dead,
not in the act of becoming a ghost, but once we are one.

When I was little, I saw the house on Camellia’s corner
crumble: attacked from behind, the same swamp I had in mine.
I had not noticed its yellow shingles before
and suddenly, this nine year old girl felt lonely for
bricks and plaster and the refrigerator hung on its balcony door.
On its side like a woman in labor –
midwives have her in a kiddy pool, the origin of its
name. Imagine being baptized before you take your first breath.

Ametrine is an amalgamation of two gemstones:
amethyst and citrine. I am that of my parents, one quarter grandma.
She who I never met but got my alcoholic mother from.
My clumsiness stemmed there, the constant
stumbling on invisible rocks and breeding ****** knees –
having two daughters who bleed monthly, but it’s never in sync.
Still, I cannot grasp being proud of ghostliness  
when there are millions of invisible children in clear blood.

This love is death.
It is nothing more than
A crisis of the mind.
It's worse than ****.

Maybe I'll begin to feel
But I'm not sure I can.
I want to possess you
So your heart won't seal.

I plead with you now.
Love no one else
But I'm alone and no more
Can I think this is real -- how?

I plead with my heart:
Don't leave. No longer should
You wait, yet I've realized
I need you- my essential part.

Stay -- I need you through the end
Of it all. When there is nothing left,
I wish to leave this demolishing war
With one thing intact to send.

With all the science of this world,
In all the waters of the earth,
You'd think there'd be someone for me.
The right man would be unfurled.

But no. Instead, this love is death.
It is not real, it merely kills.
I read about love, and wonder this:
*How much can you destroy
      with a mere breath?

A smile and a wink, create an incredible magic, one gets floored
that's her, but not a day passes without a complaint-
about her uncomplaining nature, that seems to rub everyone
in a way wrong; without any prompt,  interpretations start to pour
she definitely lacks seriousness, frivolous or an unfeeling brute?

By nature, she can't care about anything, may be the effect of the past,
tongues waged, observers increased, each one took notes,
voluntarily held conferences, and reached a conclusion, behind her back:
"Far too removed from reality, lives in cloud cuckoo land"

Strong judgments came one after the other, every one enthusiastically joined,
in demolishing, what they thought 'The myth of equanimous mind'
(irrespective of dealing with a string of troubles and continuing bad weather)
The one, only one, who kept silence, when this buzz was going on far too long,
just smiled at the end, the playful wink that followed ruffled all feathers,
now the gang has an added burden, the power of one more to deal with.

Young Americans, all volunteers
Sampling English women and English beer
Over sexed, over paid and over here

In the scrubby bit next to Sally's house there used to stand another cottage. If you scrape away some soil you can find floor bricks. A german fighter tailed some bombers back, shot one down as it made its final landing approach.It crashed short, demolishing the cottage. When Sally first moved in there were bits of metal laying around and dials hanging in the trees. An old boy turned up one day, a surviving crew member. They gave him some bits of his old plane to take home.

On planes with names like
Frivolous Sal, Dauntless Dotty
Million $ Baby, Memphis Belle

Sylvia was a child during the war.They saw a german fighter shot down, the pilot managed to open his chute. He walked up to their house, knocked on the door and gave himself up. Sylvia's dad marched him down to the Police Station.

Braving the freezing hostile skies
Thousands and thousands of you guys
How can we thank you
After you've died?

Next to Diane's house, hidden in the trees are the remains of nissen huts built as accommodation for the airmen. Not much left after 70 years, a few concrete block walls. Now and again she used to see some misty-eyed old guy gazing into the trees.

Long after you're gone
The land remembers
Bears the scars
Of those few years of turmoil

David is a gardener in our village, nice guy, should have retired by now. Don't think his father ever kept in touch.

It all starts with a kiss on the forehead from the devil.
A curse so deadly that The Grim Reaper would fear for his life.
Togetherness is a lost cause for sanity and my mind.
One of them, if not both, has been absent.

I've killed many and many before.
Homicidal cravings have polluted my veins.
Empathy has fled the scene of this heinous crime inside my head,
As the voices so gracefully moved in.

Frequent scenarios are projected in my dreams,
Like some spooky yet ****** film.
Two vampiric women kiss so maliciously,
As their lips are painted with blood.
This vision makes ****** *******.

The blood flow has not yet been drained from my vision,
As it stains the cotton of my memory.
Remorseful thoughts convert to an addiction.
I need to accommodate another fix, before my inevitable conviction.

I've once felt the feelings of the peaceful,
But reality has stolen my conscience.
A lovely soul transformed to atrocity .
This lantern gained a shortage of oil,
causing me to become lost in a field of misery and pain.

Minacious laughs frolic in my ears,
Though these giggles I'm quite familiar with.
I heard them often, so joyful and so free.
But now they've turned to evil.

An inability to move my hands when desired,
Caused by attire not aimed for warmth.
I'm a prisoner blocked by a wall of darkness,
So deliberately detaining my sanity.

I have loved a time, so long ago,
Where happiness was my most valued acquaintance.
Yet something inside of me awoken so suddenly,
Shamelessly demolishing any remote heart I once possessed.

Possession is such a polite word to use,
describing demonic forces taking ownership of your soul.
But I consider it a blessing in disguise,
Due to the unescapable fact that who I was could not be an acception,
To those who hold superiority over me.

A monster I was?
Or A monster I have became.
It would never be determined by the others.
All they fathom is that a monster is contained,
And lives will no longer be stolen by the guilty hands of this monster.

But what gives human life it's worth?
I will forever ponder that thought.
For I am the star of this so called Hell,
And where I'll be when my time has come,
No sane human would dwell.

Check your pulse to assure yourself that you are indeed alive and be ready
I’m willing to sell addiction
If the price is right
Instead of crawling on my hands and knees
Searching for a miniscule income

Love is an empty word
That allows me to rip your insides
And still have you apologize for getting my hand *****
I’ll keep every apology locked away
And stick you on the bull’s-eye

Running from laughable low level law enforcers
Dressed in blue with loaded guns and meaningless badges
Cackling the whole way through

Smiling at all my adversaries
Knowing the annihilation of us both is soon to come

As the maniacal militia stand trespassing in our yard waiting to open fire
The ravaged highways are under construction
Demolishing the concept of one’s self to rebuild in the image of a complete stranger
Unleashing accusations upon unsuspecting stargazers
Underneath the cold thick skin, holding back scorn, plans of vengeance, violent bouts with sadness and ethical turmoil
Putting on a mask of struggling smiles, lung crushing phony laughter
And the tight gripping of tears, the strenuous task that is always present
Putting this act because society tells us to shut up, get over it, move on and forget about it
With no one taking the time to sit down and help someone who is knocking on their impending doom’s door
By going over everything calmly piece by piece
Until it’s too late and there’s dead bodies on the floor of a movie theater riddles with bullets and people choking on some kind of poison gas
The misleading of corporate heads and politicians overshadowed by the distractions of “disasters”
So we can’t see the real big picture
Their whole careers can be light up in flames faster than the forged paper work they put in

Meanwhile the poverty stricken orphaned children look to the neon sky praying to a god who’s existence is debated denounced right before their eyes as if it was a fairytale fable with out a moral
And the troubled youths, the kids being pumped with prescriptions
Hoping someday something will rescue them for the madness within themselves

Request for atonement
Is eradication of an opponent really a triumph?
To expire in a collision
Young and drunk
Cutting deep like a spiteful stab wound
While wearing a three piece suite
Choosing suffering over nothingness
But to fight for the privilege we had in front of us
Disregarding the cost to get there
Detonate the entire thing
And view this vignette from your fallout shelter crossing your fingers that you’ll still be here when all is unspoken and still undone

you are destruction
in your wake lies corpses of chaos
you bellow your fury like a beast
sparing no innocence

demolishing all in your path
enemies that you have conjured
i now understand why
storms are named after women

remember this
as you make deals with the devil
and continue to birth revenge

my world only understands harmony
try your best to break it

rather spend some time
to repair your broken soul
that's barely hanging on its hinges

Bukowski once said that there is no point in writing
If the words are not ready to burst from your skull
Wayward pilgrims demanding surcease at an altar of irreverence
Hoping to be spoken aloud
Birthed on thoughts from the pits of our soul
No, he didn’t say that last part
But they were clawing in the bone of my skull
Rending gaps that would pour my conscious mind free
Demolishing the hell that justifies heaven
If you asked me what paradise was,
I don’t think I would have an answer
It’s a world that is changing from day to day
Hardly the province of a sculptor’s hand
Forever unchanging in the veins of stone
Pulsing with meaning that only vision can carve
With infinite meanings in the myriad of views
We each walk away with something that’s just a little different
Like words that we share and speak with different tones
Just to change the flavor of meaning
Savoring the twist on the tips of our tongues
Owning the breath to sway the heart of dirt and stone
Competing for the love of every tree and upturned rock
Whispering our lust the leaves of autumn
Knowing that they will never rise back to the tree
But catching their rotting death in immortal ballads
This is how I imagine my paradise to be
Your silent presence ever creating the stone
Which my words will shape with the rough chisel of force
As I define the world that you crave
While never caring about what you deserve
These are the words that would fall
From every bleeding laceration on my used and tired heart
Bursting from my chest in time with a heart that would stop beating
Just to draw forth a tear
For the paradise I know I already have
But am too callous to appreciate
So I take a deep breath and continue
Walking down a path of dirt and stone
Careless of the footprints I leave
Disturbing nature with fetid pleasure
Don’t we all destroy what we love the most?

This is a poem about being uncomfortable in your own skin.
Think small spaces,
Too warm,
Too soon.
A car crash.
Being trapped in an elevator.
Shifty eyes,
pure white lies.
Unclear shadows on a foggy night,
salty wounds left open for much too long.

Think about demolishing something,
that is perfectly fine as is.
Think about finally making love to the boy
with the softest lips you have ever tasted
And has those eyes,
Those eyes,
that remind you of home.
Think about the buzz in the middle of your stomach
And your eyes that oh so dramatically
roll to the back of your head
When your closest ones
Pick apart and analyze every aspect of your decision,
Critique
By
Critique.
One
Immoral
Choice
To
The
Next.

This is a poem about mistakes that aren’t truly mistakes
And lust and blood and bruises
And passionate kisses and risky decisions
And sleepless nights and dour girls.
And broken mirrors and ripped pages.
This is a poem about what has become your life.

*-andrea