The letter was a warm invitation  and a perfect getaway I needed to lay low after are  brief rise to cult status i had partaken of the
rewards of semi obscurity and had a few angry fathers searching for me.

The big apple it called to me like a stripper apon a pole demanding thats all you got is ones you cheap *******?
My true sidkick  like robin to batman just less gay and good looking.

Met me at the station  Amigo how the hell are you now were's the bar?
Drinks on you right?
Cause when your a semi celeb slash rockstar of hello why the **** should i pay.
Why should women be the only ones to walk into a bar with three dollars  in there purse and get rip roaring drunk.
Besides if i was a chick id be a **** *****.

The stage was set the bar was filled with strange sounding people
all asking my well know  brother in madness who tha  ***** this *******.
****** good man im not just any ******* im Gonzo.

Beer on another mans tab always tasted better   just remember ******
im not putting out   well unless  you ask me niceley  or pay  me
like that rich old lady used to who  also was missing her leg.

yes what memeories id slip her a mickey  rearrange her  clothes and after she woke  up tell her what a wild night we had yes i know
true romance.

BUT ENOUGH WITH THE FOREPLAY CHILDREN!

We began are quest like any other  seeing how much ***** we could
hold  till  normal people began to make sense.
I work everyday busting my freakin ***  still it aint enough Gonz.
The angry little italian man who's wallet i had borrowed said beside me.
Hey a girls gotta eat.
Dear lord man you mean you actully have to go back everyday hey is this a gold card   your worse than my wife freakin ***.
Sir you are a charmer  what angry little people  lived here.

Bill lets hit the ******* im in need of culture  and some naked women amigo  come on im  drinks are on Vinny who gives a ****.

After bill  dipped into his life savings to pay the tab we hopped
a cab headed for Manhattan  to the place  of great myths and wonder
it called to great men from arond the world to bask in its beauty.

No not the statue of the giggantic woman  with a torch although i wondred  as i stood below her ****** why cant she be wearing a mini skirt.
You gotta love a big girl  she was such a tease.

No as i stood  tears meeting my bloodshot eyes
befor the mecca  the big apple and the home  of legends and playground to the *****.

Hey get the **** outta the street *******.
It"s Gonzo  man ****** how many times do i need to repeat myself.
Scores a ******* to the rich  a fools paradise **** Disneyland.
Ive been on spacemountian most my life anyways.

As through the doors we were met by a scene of true
art much like the Mona Lisa  if she were a stripper named candice cane  in red high heels hanging from a stripper  pole.

the drinks flowed  the lap dances were well you get the point.
I realized my two drink minimum freind was a little how should i say it poetically.
******* wasted.

As he tried  to give a stripper named honey a lap dance  
never mind him ladies he's my  ******* brother.
In a plan of true drunken genius i explained he was sick and
his last wish was for his older brother to hookup with
some   hot  strippers to have  ahh  some  after hours activities  
Who's ***** bingo.
how i love  bango I mean bingo.

Tears welled up in there eyes  thank god they didnt question why my little brother was 58.
Hey there strippers  and if they  were all going to college  then
this would be a ******* library  not a high  dollar  titie bar.

Librarians with there hair up short tight skirts and glasses
i swear you get busted for  having a little alone time on a public
computer   in that over rated book store for a second time and everyone  flips ****.
Society is so judgemental  but that's another story  
and court case   away.

The plastic fake boobie women had fallin for it.
So like drunken ninjas in a fog of  dellusion and wild turkey we made are last exit to brooklyn.
  
Hey  Gonz why do these chicks keep asking how much longer do i have.
Smacking my friend swiftly in the head had drawn the attention
of the strippers away from counting there tips and comparing there fake breast.

He's got brain dammage sometimes you have to hit em in the  
head to get him unstuck  ****** just look at the poor *******
he thinks he's not sick  oh dam life i need a cuddle girls.
Bill hold the camera.

We hit my friend's apartment like tourist slipping across the boarder grabing and  consuming great amounts of ***** and some sort of white powder  must have been for allergies.

Like squirrels  on acid  running down the interstate we were  
half nuts by the time that big orange ball thats causes me to wear sunglases did appear.

The ladies who names i cant recall  but honestly who gives a ****.
were passed out in bed Bill  in the fish tank  
calling himself captian nimmo  at this point led me to belive just maybe he had  a little  to much  but theres  many pitfalls on the road to Gonzo pacman.

Few men had the liver  or insanity of your's truely.
so after i talked my  tripping amigo off the frige.
Reassuring him its okay   amigo   thats what women look like naked.

I assure you  just cause they broke theres off doesnt mean they'll do the same to yours.
****** son why have a computer if not to look at **** and read long rants by insane people who call themself Gonzo?

After are long disscussion   about good touch bad touch and happy endings  we were off  again.

                                                 Ground Zero

                                        Silence And Respect

Standing there there was a shared  moment.
And a pain any soul could feel.
It wasnt about race or religion  it was about people
we all lost that day.
John Patrick Robbins stood beside a brother without a word
said as it spoke a million feeling's to the soul.

                           No one ever truley leaves there.

At the bus station a few cocktails behind us me and the kiddster
parted slightly hung over   and strung out smelling of reckless abandon
and strippers and wild turkey.

Apon the bus sitting by the window and some large man.
Who reaked of sardines  and  resembled a  cerial ******.
yes ladies he's single  and will probaly **** ya.
Wonder why he has a hard time getting dates?

As Bill waved goobye to his demented  brother from his own planet.
I waved back saying hey amigo  is this your debit card hell no worries
i'll keep  good care of it and reward myself.

As the bus left the station  my semi ******* friend chasing behind
yelling Gonzo i'll get you for this you freakin *******.
Kidster  that hurt i yelled but not as much as it's gonna hurt you bank account cheers.

That guy in black is ******  you  better watch out he's probaly connected.
No worries my funny smelling oversized friend
so am i replied.
I have the internet as well.

Bound for parts unknown Gonzo  made many stops
and if not for legal reason's  id share most of them.
Yes as i sat apon the beach  after taking a little side trip to Florida.
Drink in hand lost in deep thought's for which i cant remember.
      
Reflecting apon my time in the big apple.
And my friend the Kiddster
A toast to my friend.
Hope you like the post card  and the three week vacation
i treated myself to.

Sorry about the whole life savings thing but
who needs to retire in there 80's  work will keep you young girlfriend.

Cheers your slightly insane friend Gonzo.

It was a dark and stormy night the wind tasted of emptyness of the midnight hour.
The man was broken as he viewed the ledge and as he stepped out apon it he seemed more lost than
Elton John in a ***** house.

******* stupid *****!
He threw the picture into the night as it made it's way to the dark waters below.
Then taking a  deep chug from the bottle he began to fling the bottle as the picture befor.

****** man hold on!
the man shocked almost fell he thought he was alone.
Who the **** are you!

The stange looking man who sat apon the ledge and smelled of
week long ****** and a stripper or two.
Look man dont try to stop me im jumping and that's it.

Hey amigo I dont give a **** if ya jump but if your gonna jump and  toss a bottle at least make sure it's empty ******* duh theres wino's all over the world and one right next to ya that
right now are dying for a drink.

The man like most people in the pressense of Gonzo looked at me with strange mix of
aww and **** my life that they all seem to share.
Im gonna jump and all you care about is the ******* bottle!
My good man im hurt besides ya gotta wallet to duh not like your gonna need it
besides someone has to notify the cops besides I might get a reward I always wanted to get on a show besides cops.

What?
The man said puzzled im guessing being he didnt follow  so easily he must be Canadian.
Okay okay you got me I was also on Locked Up  okay and Americas Most Wanted and maybe To Catch A Perdator that Chris Hanson what a ***** tease.

Look ****** get the **** away from me here's the ******* bottle as for my wallet here ya go but my ***** cheating ***** of a wife beat ya to the money.
So your wifes a ***** and you still have to pay sir I belive your suffering from dellusion
here have a drink with me.

The man was far worse than I thought not only a Canadian he seemed to be suffering from some mental issues Jesus was it fate that a rational man as I would be hanging out okay passed out on this very same bridge.
******* batman  cause Gonz was on the job and I wasnt gonna blow this one like
last time not that I go around blowing things.
Besides remember kids a ***** charges me I give it away now if they offer to pay
thats a diffrent story.

But enough with the foreplay hampsters.

I sat drank and listend to the mans story.
How he fell in love with this strange women who took his money and was a total ****.
Hmm wonder what she'll be up to after this annoying ***** jumps?

And when I caught her with my best friend that was the final straw.
Its all over **** life !.
So did you get this all on camera?
What !!!
Why would I do that?
Idk hell man  just thought it'd be fun to watch I mean who doeant like drinking and watching ****?
I know the Hello staff  seems to keep things running great on it.

You are are ******* mental you know that?
Maybe but im not the one wasting ***** with a kickass ****** living at home
sure ya gotta pay but dude your getting free shows its like living in Germany
sure kinda ***** but hey beats writting perverted things that no one reads on a website that
died years ago and no one wants you on much like there ******* daughter.

You sick ***** you want my life so much you can have it!!
The man shouted in his outside voice once is okay when outside but if we were inside
id really be ******.

Just have my life you demmented *******.
Really sir you just made me happier than that talentless **** Russel Brand after escaping
the clutches of the preaching hottie drag queen Katy Perry.
Im kidding she's great to watch with the sound off.

The man looked puzzled again I swear im begining to think he might have lied .
Cause he seemed  more from a third world country like  Indiana.
Hey where the hell do you think your going!?

Hey wheres my.
The man fumbled through his pockets .
Looking for these I asked holding up a pair of keys.
Hey bring thoose back right now !

Amigo sure I could  hang around here listen to ya **** and moan.
But hey you said i could have your life.
And being you wanna play man on a ledge I figure why the **** not.

You see what's one guys ***** rotten cheating ***** of a wife is another guys
kick **** party to go so later.
Wait stop please Im not gonna jump  she's a ***** but I love her .
And the thought of your demmented *** living in my house  ***** it life's not that bad please
I want my life back.

My friend ya see thats all I wanted to hear.
I tossed the keys in one of thoose corney *** movie moments that guys go to just to make the laidies happy and in the hope they'll get laid.

The keys flew through air  the man put his hand in the air tears in eye's
so happy he totally forgot he was still standing on the ledge.
And he screamed like a school girl as he fell to his death it was a twisted scene oh well.

I had no time to reflect cause i was off like a madman with a date with a ***** little hampster
Hey someone had to console this woman and who better than the person who spent those last
hours with him.
And was kinda responssible for his deatn but hey whats in the details.

Untill next time hampsters you stay crazy.
And remember when all hope is lost learn to hotwire a car and get the **** outta there.
Thanks for the important life skills grandpa.

Adios.

Gonzo has left the site.

How do you swindle the light?
This would be the greatest grift.
An ongoing experimental conn
where we all remember,
who the mark(s) is,
pretending, just in case,
behind the curtain,
sleight of hand,
behind the back,
if there is no wizard in the back seat,
just in case...you'll tell the kids:
'it was all for them.' So they could sleep.

Childhoods are just safe houses for hope.
In play roles come easy,
in assortments, and unpackages, separate;
but everyone knows the rules,
their part, they remember
that fairness is sacred to play.
Some games get played
and some gamers’ play is accidental.
The game like the carnival is vacuous,
inhaling all into its eye,
exhaling into its calm, swindles like a carney,
jettisoning all into the extinction of gratification.

The mystery lies in the conspiracy.
System can beat game, house, odds,
conn the conn and you can go home a winner.
The Universe is a big casino, you see.
And all you have to do is get up from the table,
cash in your chips, and figure out where your car is.
The house always wins, you’ll say.
But therein lies the reason we play.
Which you're sure to figure out in the lot,
cramped delineations garner thought,
you'll realize that therein lies nowhere.



The conspiracy lies in the abyss,

A place where villagers lose their cattle,
Costumed & uniformed, singing gray prayers.
Crop circles are diasporic clusters of hope.
Where science fiction invented the cold war,
Between ghosts created by radio waves.
A mass hallucination produced by trauma?
Dellusion v. Illusion
Nurturist v. Naturist v. Projection,
As long as it’s a weapon!
Destination unknown-
But just in case, let’s create something that can destroy us all.

Two strangers pass both moving in seperate directions.

Eye's tell  the stories and give a glimpse like a windows from a highways view

view apon a cold night's drive.



Giving only a view of what seconds can make us belive.

Two eye's meet a vision of a story not worthy of the first

act of play.



Perfume apon the wind.

Her scent of jasmine blessed  a stale evenings breeze.

Two strangers pass speaking only a well ment hello

but nothing more.



Thoughts as they are give hope in a truely hopeless sense.

Two strangers pass then fade into there live's.

Never to meet again.



And with a times movement the moment does all but vanish

from thought.



Two strangers passed who once held each other as lover's

of secret with passion's covered in perfect dellusion.



This night two seperate directions set the stage of my lives eternal

traggic play.



Two strangers passed to give what once  burned so

very deep.

As fools these same two strangers gave it all away.

Four days into the book tour I came to realize I was on the wrong
one but that Harry Potter tour  is a wild bunch  and i was living the rock n roll lifestyle  but little boys who ride on broomsticks and  resembled Elton John  really wasnt my crowd.

The univesty of South Carolina had many things to offer including just
turning of age  young ladies  who wanted to get wasted and drop there standards amoungst other things.

But who did they want really?
Gonzo  or the mildley attractive  man Gonzo was trapped in?
Who gives a **** man  its like  finding a ounce of  of ****
in your mothers  freezer hey just say no to drugs kids.

The Gonzo had been booked hungover  and  in a semi coma
i felt like the elephant man  the handsome *******.
chics dig the trunk.
Why cant they love you for your mind?

But much like my virginty.
I had lost that at eight  when grandpa Gonzo took me to a brothel.
Ahh what tender moments.
Yes grandpa almost had tears in his eyes
Son I can remember when i met your grandmother
in this very same place   i should say hello to her.

So like a oversexed teenager  I continued my
my madness like a idot trying to run a marathon with his
pants around his ankles.

The room seemed  hostle but i brought protection allthough these
condoms  really didnt seem to be for that purpose.
But God knows where that microphone had been.

They set ready with there pens and  other writing devices
with there big words  and tight sweeters.
But i was armed with a wild turkey buzz and a asortment skittels
better known as pills.

It was a blur of  bizzar questions  spoken in a strange language
I had way to much nyquill  and ***** punch  the night befor.
But Gonzo  was needed  and what more do kids in a frat need more than a keg party and some hot oil  wrestling.

This place was like disneyland on crack.
With its nonstop party enviroment  and bar games
Class what does learning have to do with being in college ?
these young people had tripped and taken to many drugs.

So i bid my new brothers farewell yes I will
think of you one day when  I have a memory.
And so are strange trip  was off once again.

Hey any more of that punch left?
We had acquired dwarf somwhere along the way
he was plesant and  sang Milley Cyruss songs  
while dressed up like Brittney Spears.

Dellusion is a sad thing indeed.
I didnt have the heart to tell him  he was outta key.
Although maybe it was just a side effect from the punch.
Anyways untill we meet again.

Stay crazy Gonzo

S I AM SITTING WATCHING MY TV, I FEEL MYSELF BEING PULLED UP

TO BRING ME UP TO OUTER SPACE, AND ALSO GET RID OF MY SILLY DELLUSIONS

LIKE WATERING DOWN THE COMPUTER TO GROW A MONEY TREE ON THE INTERNET

AND TELLING MY PARENTS THEY AIN’T MY PARENTS

AND TO HELP IN THE HEALING OF THE MONEY TREE, I CLICKED ON A FERTILISER

WHICH HELPS GROW THE MONEY TREE

AND THEN AFTER THAT I PLAN TO ROB THE HAWKER SHOPS, AND DROP A FEW DOLLARS ON THE GROUND

TO GO BACK HOME TO JOI FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO SPURT MONEY DOWN TO THE POOR FROM PARADISE

YOU SEE, THE PARANORMAL WORLD ARE LIFTING MY BODY UP SAYING

WE ARE TAKING YOUR COOL KID AWAY, EVEN IF IT HURTS YA, CAUSE

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU DON’T WANT TO LET IT GO

YOU SEE I HATE BEING CALLED DUMMY

AND I HATE BEING CALLED A WOOSEY

I HATE BEING TREATED LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON TO EVERYONE ELSE

I KNOW, DUDES IT’S BLOOD HARD TO DO, BUT AT LEAST GIVE ME THE ILLUSION OF A COOL PERSON

AT LEAST GET ME PAST THE MENTAL HEALTH NONSENSE OF MY PAST

AT LEAST GET ME PAST THE COOL KIDS, IN MY HEAD,

FOR, WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WAS TRYING TO FIT INTO THE COOL FAMILY LIFE

NONE OF MY FAMILY REALLY UNDERSTOOD, I SAT IN THE MIDDLE OF A BENDY BUS

MY FAMILY DIDN’T WANT TO

I WANTED TO GO TO DISNEYLAND IN THE USA, MY FAMILY PREFERRED TO WATCH DISNEY ON TV, WHICH IS FINER

I AM HAVING A SCHITZOPHRENIC WINGE, YOU SEE I WANT ALL MY KID LOOK TO PULL UP OVER MY BODY

AS DAD WANTS TO RID MY SILLY KID, HOOLIGAN, SO TO SPEAK, RIGHT OUT OF ME

YA SEE, DAD IS NOW BETTY, AND, I HEAR VOICES FROM MY PAST, LIKE PAT JUST SAID, I AM GOING TO **** YA BLOOD

AND MY BROTHER IS BEING A PROTECTOR, THINKING I HATE IT, SAYING, LEAVE BRIAN ALONE, BUDDY, HE’S NOT LIKE US

I HEAR PAT SAYING, MEN DON’T DO THAT THAT IS WHAT KIDS DO, PAT MIGHT GO TO BED

AND DAD IS TRYING TO PULL MY DELLUSIONAL HOOLIGAN OUT OF ME, WHICH MAKES PAT SAY

YOUR STILL A YOUNG DUDE BRIAN, DAD PULLS BRIAN’S DELLUSIONAL HOOLIGAN, AND PAT SAID, BRIAN IS STILL A YOUNG DUDE

AND THEN SAID, WE ARE JUST HAVING FUN WITH BRIAN’S BRAIN, MR AND MRS AND CHRIS AND BRIAN ALLAN

WE ARE JUST PLAYING WITH BRIAN’S BRAIN, THE VOICES ARE SAYING BRIAN ALLAN HATES LIFE, BUT THE TRUTH IS BRIAN ALLAN LOVES LIFE

AND I LIVE LIKE IT’S ONE BIG ADVENTURE, I GET A DELLUSIONAL TEASE AS MY BROTHER AND THE GUY THAT NICKED MY LUNCH

ARE LAUGHING AT ME, SAYING, WE FOOLED YA, BUDDY, OLE DUDE OLE PAL

WITH THEIR BIG YOUNG DUDE LAUGH THEY HAD BACK THEN

AND ME, BRIAN ALLAN, WANTS TO RID THOSE SILLY DELLUSIONS OUT OF ME, BY YOUNGER PEOPLE

I DON’T WANT TO BE AN OLD FOGIE ALL MY LIFE, I LIKE DOING THINGS

YOU SEE PAT IS SAYING, US BIG YOUNG DUDES ARE DOING WHAT WE USED TO DO, YA LITTLE SHY BOY

AND I SAY, I WANT TO GET RID OF THIS SILLY MOO COW AND SHIP DELLUSION AND WORRYING ABOUT IT, BEFORE I WORK AY COMMON BRAIN

AT PRESENT, PAT IS PUTTING MY KID WHEN I WAS YOUNG BACK INTO ME

AND THIS KID, IS MAKING ME ITCHY ALL OVER

AND ALSO PAT IS SITTING UP WATCHING TV SAYING, I AM JUST SITTING ON THE COUCH, I MEAN NO HARM

I SAID, I DON’T REALLY WANT ANYONE TO GIVE ME SPECIAL TREATMENT, YA KNOW WHY, DUDE

BECAUSE, I SORT OF KNOW MY CALLING

AND PAT HAS BEEN COOL, LYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND EATING BISCUITS ON THE LOUNGE AND ALSO SITTING THERE DRINKING HIS BEER YA SEE

WHILE I DO MY TAPESTRY

ANY DELLUSION WHICH HYPES UP PEOPLE

MY BROTHER GETS ON THE COMPUTER, SAYING YOUR STILL LIKE US, BRIAN AND PAT SAID ‘NO CHRIS, BE SHY FOR BRIAN

MY BROTHER SAID HE WASN’T SHY TO BE A COMPUTER BUFF, I AM NOT SHY TO BE A COMPUTER BUFF

ACTUALLY COMPUTERS ARE THE THING I LIKED ABOUT DAD, OUT OF THE MANY FAULTS

I LOVE TO MAKE THE COMPUTER WORK FOR ME LIKE DAD DID

PAT SAID, NO NO BRIAN IS STILL A YOUNG DUDE, BRIAN IS STILL YOUNG DUDE

DON’T BE BRIAN’S DADDY CHRIS, BE LIKE US, PAT SAID AS WELL AS SAYING NO NO NO

BRIAN IS STILL A YOUNG DUDE, AS PAT IS HAPPILY PLAYING AROUND THE HOUSE

TRYING TO GET ME TO CLKEAN MY HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT, YOU SEE PAT OLE BOY OLE PAL

I CLEAN DURING THE DAY WITH HELP, AND I CREATE ART AND WRITE AT NIGHT

AND I STARTED TO GET ITCHY, FROM THE TEASING BUG

I had locked away my true thoughts and muzzled my true voice
for far to long.
Was it a character i desired to be?
Were my words to be but a joke to break the awkward silence?

When you start to be social only to lock yourself up
to exist with your demons your becoming a dangerous
person to yourself.

My work once flowed now it sits half finished  great starts
stalled endings.
My skills were learned from not the comic arena
and i could imagine my journalist friends  laughter mocking
me even now.

He's slipped  finally lost in cheap jokes  gone from
anything that speak's of his true voice.

The people didnt thirst to know John.
for my well penned alter ego was the one they all knew and so blindly
misunderstood.

Old friends check in.
Messages on my phone i'd sooner erase than
respond to.
Had I slipped in some form of insanity?
Embracing dellusion  to mask my failures in life?

I was a writer ,A troublemaker  and owner of laughs.
A good time for many yet emptyness was my reallity.

As from  the TV screen reflected change and madness.
For crazy is a close friend of chaos.

I got in the game to make a mark but what was the price?
A destroyed marriage  a relationship  heading into
the very same direction.

What had I become but some twisted monster
and tormented soul.
A sad afterthought  to a sick joke.

Deppresion can  make us into something no mirror can truely
reflect.
The chamber stayed loaded  the glass my curse
seldom these days full.

And what she wanted I could never give  like sunsets
red cast gold flaked embrace i was a moment.
And moment's can't forever last.

No child should know a madman's life.
And a selfish *******  I knew was my role.

Empty streets and smokey old bars  were my  path
and what to anyone could i truley give?

Pain was the fuel hours my sea to sail alone.

The chamber was full but soon one would
be missing.

A tale cant be read untill it's finshed.
We are but moments.
And moments can't last forever.

He waited the sad ***** broken in what seemed like a fool who sits on the traintrack
Feeling the rail knowing full well what is coming cant be stopped yet still
they stand.

It didnt take a writers eye to read the reply I knew it from the moment the poor
sap got down on one knee.
Like was never ment for love as a torment was never ment to be cast in a ******* fairytales
happy ending.

I felt no need to listen further for like some old stage hand I knew the
actors lines by heart.
Why were sappy ******* always drawn to heartless ******* I could never understand.
I guess for the reason worthless ******* always seemed to get the one's that
were to dam nice used them like doormats and turned them into the flawed gems
we knew and adored as well.

Maybe if only his ears herd truth instead of dellusion he'd find a much easier path.
I never wait for a reply and seldom care to ask.
I deal in truth I play no game just show my cards and care less if im holding better than the next.
Games are for fool's and old farts who gather to swap war stories and yern for the days
when yesterday  was uncertin yet always a adventure.

She wouldnt reply with what he wanted and he would be the fool a clown
left behind by the circus  just a out of place reject  wearing oversized shoes.
Some belive in it some also know desperate acts only serve a vain person's ego.

It's better to be jaded in sight than a sap for a cruel ******* amusement.
But being a ******* I know her thoughts all to well.
And as the night does erase the light the curtains fall will just
promise another act apon life's stage.

Avoid the people who's hearts have been cast of stone.
Course if you choose to do so you'll probaly  not have to many friends.
Course I never did give a **** cause that just leaves more drinks for me.

He waited for her reply and as the words hit like a landslide.
He sat numb frozen in a sea  of embaressment.
And in the aftermath of rejection he sat at the bar  running it through his thoughts.
I poured a triple sat it in front of the man along with a bottle for company.

And as always became deaf to the bleeding hearts conversation.
Thank God for closing time.

Im the stage hand of lifes over written play a bartender who's herd every version of the
same old song.
If you have to wait never yern for the reply.


Stay crazy Gonzo

there, in those strawberry fields of dreaming-
those blooms of a season long since dead and torched-
     i swore i found you
and you were speaking sweetly in a smokey room
with a crescent smile
and a cheap long-neck bottle
and a blue ball-point pen
that you'd only pry from it's waltzing
     to chuckle with (and charm) the bartender

an older lady
with muddy-water curls
and poision ivy eyes
     and...there's something about her that reminds me of my mom...
then the moment's gone
and now, all i can wonder
is how it is that she's counting change when she hasn't got any fingers

the captain must be on the mic again
with bull-**** banter about the weather
     or our eventual destination
     or something about the turbulence to calm the unfortunate un-drugged
his monotone monotony
sneaking through my sleep to me
     and coming through like the voice of the radio host
     as my head's beneath tepid bathwater

your ellegance uneffected by his audible intrusion
into my sub-concious dellusion
     you pull at the tides of your brew
     and wink
then back to a busy pen

     i have to get to you
you've got to remember
  
come back

but dreams don't work like that

it's as if my feet don't match my body
or my legs are facing backward
or i'm in that godforsaken hallway scene of "The Shining"
     and i'm finding this to be far more frustrating
     than remaining concious through the flight could have ever been

and again
somewhere over nebraska
the ride gets increasingly shaky
     not obnoxious enough to wake me
     just enough to take me to the part of the nightmare
     where my teeth start falling out
          like precious little gems of vicodin and nicorrette
               t a p p i n g out my fragile skull
and now i'm wearing some ******-gummed grin
and that charming lounge is feeling like "From Dusk Till Dawn"
and all of the friendly faces are gone
     except for yours
          and you look horrified

how come now i've got your attention?

touchdown at o'hare
and i wake in the window seat next to a vacant chair
     alive and well
except that you're not there

and to think
     when i was a kid
          my nightmares all had fearsome beasts
then i grew up
          and found the monster to be me

Calculated or spontaneous movements, both quiet and loud
We are who we're becoming, we were born to be proud
But pride has this level, pride has this curse  
Pride has this tendency of making matters worse

Pride is crucial and necessary, but pride causes pain
Pride is fear of losing one's edge and in turn losing potential for gain
But do we really have an edge, or just a lackluster illusion?
What's this feeling that keeps us inside this self-securing dellusion?

Sometimes I wonder if just for a day, I took all my pride and threw it away?
If I said all the words I've ever thought to say, would I see things start to go my way?
If I stopped telling myself the world can't see me without a mask
Creating a vision of openness, while leaving vulnerability all in the past

While I'm strong, and strongly convicted to my honesty  
I'd rather lie wholeheartedly, than admit I feel weak
Because remember that word, that strange hovering boulder
That tells you to take your welcoming heart, and make it turn colder

But what can we say when pride keeps us safe? Really what can we do?
Whenever I've tried to push it aside, I've felt things that felt together unglue
If the stakes don't matter than prides not a factor, we know what to bring
Yet we'll sit where we are, afraid to move for anything worth anything

I'm hoping one day, I find a new way to keep my soul safe
That I'll stay proud of who I am but not too proud to try
That I’ll look back to how I used to hold back and I'll be laughing
I'm starting to have faith, stranger things have happened

Sunsets cast my vision seldom have you seemed more than I can describe.
Moonlit memories are great dellusion for we bask in idle tides time often changes view.

A clocks steady rythm counts my empty hours pace.
Rain tonight will you wash it clean yet one last time?
Old friends and new bottels cast the tide to carry all away but me.

It was passion now its more like regret.
Even demoms have to sleep sometime so when shall I?
Night clubs tight skirts paint the picture i'd raher make the scene than write the finish.
Traps often lure with the sweetest perfume.

Maybe I choose it all wrong accept you.
A jazz bands logic in a semi broken soul.
Will we ever connect for my own sake?
It's taken me so far no longer can view the shore have i finally drifted to far?

They share my company but never my soul Im just counting the hours sweetheart till
its my turn to bid farewell.

But roads lead to many ways.
But I have to question will they lead you my way again.
Old fools were once young dreamers can you still hear me through the haze ive grown to call my voice?
The song always brings me back.
But my aim was seldom true.

Someday seems like sometime i'll never drift by again.
So I'll wait as always in this scene im to screwd up to escape.
Sweetest kiss fire never dies.
But passions are but a glimmer of the emptyness ive grown
to call myself.

Times a dream from which I choose not to wake.
I'll always be around my dear.
In one half out of it form or another.

Page unwritten  hand never to be
played.
Outcasts sitting at center stage.
When you never showed love.
It's no need to question why no one ever stayed.

And you never wondred and new better
to ask.
Cause people grew tired of the game.
And you of the mask.

Deep emotin with which like
overgrown children we play.
Gone in a second.
Was it love or just another day.

Torn sails endless flow.
Blocks and miles.citys and backroads.
Like any flock we scatter.
Only to lose track the futher we go.

Dellusion speaks well amoungnst friends.
You see it's the last farewell.
But with truth in are thoughts
everyone pretends.

Are you okay everyone does ask.
You give a expected reply.
And slip into oblivian slowley
fading behind your mask.

Were all crazy the dreamers the broken like children left
behind sad eyes are but windows  cast in pain.
that hurt we share as some will hide it away.

Ive taken the matter in deep thoughts and  echos of brillance.
Only to see it die as a spark  from cold winters fire.
Alone you here the sadness in the most gentle key.

As it wispers for the broken.
Down alleys side streets to lonley old souls
who yern just for someone to speak with to share but
are met with only rejection left to count the hours.

The clocks rythm taps slowey asking the emptyness to
waste in thought only to bask in dellusion.
Like a snow globe were caught in a vortex of a isolated storm.

Yerning for a release the bed is a coffin frozen are the covers
as the thought lingers if only it had gone another way.

But dreamers are gamblers and in the warmth of good hand theres always a lonley heart that had to fold.


The man in the street looks to other as others  look through him.
Afraid the curse may catch but in his eye's i see myself.
And  in myself  I see a victem of another bad hand.

Alone I know you in that place few will dare to search.  
The cavern of thought is but my asylum of  emptyness
And the clock's rythm keeps time in the key of night.

And so in shadow I cast the light aside to conceal my truth.
The clone of another given no remorse will you forgive a torture cast lie?
I have no pain only a burden of half empty regret.

A streetlight's courage a trail of the alley dare we view areselves for the imperfections.
And give little reason towards a jaded view.
Im the other that never understands a life I cant exist for you may we suggest
someone more fake to guide you there?

Broken bones and wicked thoughts embrace my vessel called this dark soul.
Drown in your demons lets cast are chances in a tender hell's fire.

Chaos my brother and for his friend reason Ive lost everything that tends to ******* care.
It's better to bury your thoughts befor other's dig them up.
Times a ***** that seldom waits.
In the darkness it's a peaceful rampage.
Lets forget a future and **** are past.
Give in to my sweetest addiction fire often leaves us yerning for more.

The path is there tracks the arm  to  forget your flaws.
I ask no quarter for I will exist till a bitter end.
Cast stones towards thoose who care.
And drown in the truth of madness I have no time to
pretend.

It lingers in my reason and I hate it as lovers **** the pressent to
bask in dellusion.
Mock me if you must and see the emptyness thats been painted gray as
storm cast evenings reprise.

Pulled in seconds it will all be clear.
You can never understand what has never truely been here.

As we pass time cast the shadow can you bare the light?

A cold breeze and warm thought times a ******* child we embraced

two misfits lovers of the moment sweetheart does it ever cross your thought's.



Time passes marked by the old clock on the wall.

my past is a thought fools seldom cast aside a good dellusion.

She was warm in arms that held emptyness so very well.



Songs no matter there heart must all fade.

Depth in the shallow watres of *** a reflex cant take the place of a life.

So she went a distant path but we still see that moment clear in nighst dark she cast my heart a moment of life in seconds of death.



Fall your burden to gather like kids outside a vacant lot.

***** the ghost's lets find some new demons to share.

Winter my mistress why must you  hang in thought like a tatred picture apon my thoughts wall?



Dust to gather in mind sniffed in the shared confines with a dark mind and easy lay.

No matter the price still we must pay.

Bitter  times and a moment will always fade the wind of kiss ice of my eternal storm.



A dead hero and a tight body to feed a eye's thirst lets sell are soul for some

spare change and a moment to ******* erase it all please lay in these arms and

hate for loves sake.



Lush spring brought me her snow bound canvas will the painters hand

ever remain  still  to create the perfect flaw.



Cracked ice soon we all must crash.

The honey my dear is always worth the sting.

please cast the eye's jaded in perfection befor you go.



One moment of devilish warmth befor winters passion must leave me to her always

promised chill.

When you know the answer then why wait for the question?
maybe it was just to make her squirm in that last sense of right I knew all that was wrong.
She knew it would hurt and so she avoidng the words.
Hiding her own happiness  to allow me my dellusion tinged misery.

At the table the candle slowley burned casting a glow only
causing the shadows to stir.
We spoke more in silence than in words.

My male ego feuding with itself.
Yerning to cause the pain that was already
eating at me  secrets  burn a hole in the rational mind.

You ***** I imagined yelling  causing only me to appear more of a fool than  I already was.
But the silence said it all.
Sliding the  drink aside looking into the eyes  i could never truley understand.

And in my loss i saw the beauthy and saw her emptyness
with me she would only know.
the moonlight reflected apon the water is but  a reflection
of what we need only look up to see.

It takes love to say goodbye.
as outside in the nights air  we needed that last embrace to
remind us of the emptyness  that we shared.

Into her eyes  I gazed as within her soul I spoke.
No false hope tasted within  that kiss.
As paths part life does change and the chapter is closed.

The happy lie tempted my heart as she vanished into
her life.
Perfume cast her scent as the pen kissed the page.
the ghost's off memory haunt me eternal.

But never was  is my life.
As my love yerns more for what her's could be.
  
The darkness my home  always tempted with the
promise of light.
Closed is that fragment of heart.
As the candle's apon the table slowley kissed the darkness
as trail's of smoke  trace the scene.

I knew it was over  befor  she spoke the final words.
But no matter the experience  nothing.
Prepares you for the  hell of waiting  for goodbye.

Well lookin back it seems i think little  somethin
always beat's a whole lotta nothin.
The road at night is a mystery  yerning to remain unsolved.

No direction sometimes  seems better than the reallity of
a dead in street.
Burnt out  from pills and *****.
A head that pounds with a steady rythym of
of past failures and false starts.

As in bottles we seek answers to the unasked questions
of the dammed soul and promising lie.
Four walls  a asylum  or a hotel of your choosing.

Last times regret cant match tonights need.
Burnt emotions frozen feelings.
A great  lie love is dellusion  a drug for the
junkies soul.

Cold even on a mid summers night.
I paint in colors of a doomed nature.
Void yet alluring to the naked eye.

Like a records unclear sound the flaws are what
make it true.
This writers  fire has all but faded.
I ask does that glass appear  half empty to you?

Pills' partys  the last seven years washed unclean.
Streets  now empty past there prime and looking
to score.
Ive lived till the edge is dull.
I sit knowing theres nothing more.

Are we as ****** up as are parents befor?
The answers passed down are but secondhand
mistakes.

As the madess goes from funny to something altogather sad.
My eyes blind yet still able to see.
My own personal hell thoughts of a far off escape.
Hope is but  sweet dellusion not ment for me.

When the flame is gone darkness signals the change.
fake words concern is but a vice carried to the lost soul.
To live in the circle is but to embrace a soft cage.

No life  is a end at its false start.
A chord lost in time.
shadows I chase to there darkest end.

Laughter  hides the so clearly seen.
Hate take's my passion as time take's my
story the final verse to share with none.

Im the ******* of a stranger I know well.
He reflects the prison for which I yern for this nights release.
Dying in seconds  counting hours.

Killing the drug  strangles my air.
A painter never shows his thoughts.
Just covers his canvas.

Tomorrow I will no longer see your failure.
As in days I will embrace the emptyness
you no longer  control.

Vacant is the space windows and empty eyes.
The time 5:oo am  strangers will take the story
rewrite my past.

Lie's  are a freedom I no longer need.
Goobye's a return's promise.
I can no longer say.

Im exhuasted  yet I know its best to fill
the page.
But that southern breeze will  now be my home.

In sunsets i hope you see what never was.
Charm of a maniac  the sense of a legend to never be.
Darkness I wish i had shared tears  are the taste
of a talent  that never was me.

the glass is empty.

As in the tears light does escape in the darkest fear.
Pleading in silence yerning for the  departure of  my soon
lost  mind.

Why we we must travle a road only to see it's end.
The path unsure requires a steady broken soul.
My emptyness know great depth.

A game of  life  a promise of death.
Behind laughter pain does exist.
Another night escapes me one of many regrets.

The wind a companion the road a void of nights
gentle embrace.
Ive searched for a reason tangled in the traps of
agony's plessure cast dellusion.

A snow globe heart  awaits its fatal dance
with the floor.
In the arms of passion  we feel the wrath of
times  bitter  truth.

I am the clowns  washed clean face.
Ive serched for a depth.
To find a poets soul ive found not a trace.

I struggle to resist.
She drops the glass as it breaks apon a slab floor.
No longer the clown do I see.
One pull and tommorows painting will be erased.
From a spark of pure creation and a fatal destruction.

Into a night  a end of my choosing.
Maybe we knew the past was soon to be are end.
Heart's like all things bleeding easily betray.
For only clocks and urns apon the mantle were ment to stay.

In choosing this path it sets a page blank.
Allowing many to read that which  was never seen.
In darkness the mystery leaves little light.

So as we toast to a suicide.
The trigger is pulled.

A ****** up sesibility is matched
only by a cryptic verse.
As in chains we exist trapped in soul
lost within the mind.

Sunsets in red  oceans of  passions failure
no longer free   to the laugther trapped within
my head.

The soon to be  forgotten fade.
As in the depths we chase demons  of are own creation
shallow  in thought.
Washed in tommorows legend  and  dried
by reallty's ever changing truth.

It sit's there apon the bar mocking me a clown in a insane circus of
never ending torment.
The music a backdrop to the madmans bluff.
Closing time never stops the want only speeds up my fire to consume.

Maybe it's time to slow down many say but when your breaks never were installed a crash is always certain.
**** it!
It's my vice and least mine arent hidden like thoose of others even through bloodshot eye's
I view just as clear as any other.
My hero's were all monsters to there own ego.
And when you belive your own ******* your as washed up as a name
painted on a wall left to fade.

Everyone gets passed by sometime.
But if this were a game I wasnt hitting them outta the park anymore and riding the bench
wasnt my style.

None had the nerve to stand up to me for even in madness my wit cut like a razor to a dull sense.
I kicked what was left back ordered another yes she was waitting.
And like a well trained dog for months I had swallowed my true voice to speak her lines
but ******* in breath is worse than a lie at heart.

Tonight i'd  cast it aside the fire in the glass didnt give me courage it only softend the blow.
I never needed a crutch to call a backbone my words stood for me and i lived them.
Tonight i wouldnt be that person silent meek or  drifting in the dellusion called love.

The bar keep gazed at me as a friend.
**** if not for that weak bridge of brotherhood id been cut off
hours ago.
I was at that point of rage and fury that made little noise just like a dragon the fire simpley
cast smoke in a dim lit world and shame on the fool who tested me tonight.

Trouble was a long lost friend that never ventured far when it comes to my thoughts.
My thoughts were blank and my world was at the point of change.
But no direction was always my role in the play.

Tonight i'd cast the first stone and destroy the mountain as well **** the view.
Give me space!
Emptyness is many things but a blank page is seldom a call for help.

As night met my warmed blood and cold heart I found solice as always in my own
thoughts some people need emptyness and isolation is but a sister to happiness.
I could always find a crowd when in need of shared thoughts and a simple laugh.

Tonight I wasnt empty for if i a flask in this thought known as life.
I was just half full.

Sometimes  you have to erase the landscape to see clear.
Change is something better left in pocket as tonight I did drown in a half empty
thought.

With eyes wide shut, my mind paints a vivid picture of the girl I love.
Everything from her frizzy hair, to her weird thumbs, and her amazing mind.
Her laugh makes me weak.
The energy in her spirit causes me to question everything
I ever denied of angels and God.
For if He exist, she is His prized possession.
Your wild antics keep me on my toes.
Your seducing smile sends chills down my spine, cooling the passion burning feverishly in my soul..
But this is a dellusion of the conscience.
When I flip my eyelids you are there,
but not subjected to my love.
You are free of the burdens I place on my chest.
You are only my best friend and I fear that's all you will ever be.
You are my angel that will shine a righteous light and awaken my cold vessel to traquil affection.
Haha, I can only dream..
I stopped believing in fairy tales long ago,
but I will never stop believing in you,
I will never stop listening to you,
I will never stop trusting you,
I will never stop being the rock
you need when the earth beneath you becomes quicksand.
When the world tries to drown you in dispare I will be there to give you life.
I will care for you, feel what you feel because we are one.
You are my better half and
I can't  survive withut you.
I wish I could tell you how I feel.
To tell you I love you more
than life itself and I will profess that everywhere anywhere no matter what.
I am proud an grateful for you and all that you have taught me.
Thank you for being my outlet from the hell I suffered through and in
return I was there for you.
I was there to wipe your tears away.
I was there when you thought of taking your life.
I was there when you wanted to go: leave America, marry in Africa, honeymoon in Paris, and grow old in India.
I have been there and I always will.
I am yours..
I wish I didn't neglect you when I did.
I wish I didn't deny my feelings for you, but I am afraid.
It scares me how serious I am about you.
I have cried and ached in your absence.
It hurts, but what's worse is that you don't know.
You may never know.
I never thought that I would be in love with my best friend.
I could only have dreamt it, but when I open my eyes, my feelings applify and I spend the rest of the day lying and repressing them until I slumber and my true reality is born, in which I am together forever with the girl of my dreams..

As a cool wind from the cemetary im found dead in thought
Yet alive in jaded soul.
Breaking towards reflection of the place i never belonged at all.

Amoung the corpse of a past regret so many thoughts.
In endless hours of worry  it seems so easy to forget.
In this place rest is never final.

As I recall her scars the candle hid her intentions in shadow.
Wine as life flows untill the bitter end.
Notes to a suicide  poems of  angst known only to it's
misery laced author.

We cast clouds in sun lit skies.
Some pains bring happiness to thoose who cant see
past the self absorbed  dellusion we call memory.

The oceans  rythm a bottle kisses the thought.
It's alone my thoughts understand my ****** up reason.
Adictions of fear junkies of need.
Ive found my place in a empty corner by the fires light.
You cant lose your grip  when you never had hold.

Frayed are the edges of this worn book.
Devils in thought always know ladies who yern to
taste the wicked  madness without regret.

That tortured soul the depth that isnt there.
Blind from the excess even old vices seem more like
tired acts for others amusment.

It's in these hours i see the damge and beautiful flaws
of age.
Contact is hollow when the vessel is empty as I.
The monster ive become  clings to the reflection of thought.


As the rose dies for the memory of a bitter past.
Gone are the reasons.
A final drink to the lights that to often fade.

The radio glows filling the
darkness with phantoms I call
old friends.

They gather to haunt my thoughts
along with you.
And I recall that dance so long ago.
It's become a fine wine Id rather
admire than taste again.

As that look I remember so very well.
We erase the parts that get in the way
of are dellusion filled spell.

The leaves change only to fall
apon ***** streets.
Where others trace thoose same steps
as you and I.

And in the darkness I remember.
as a heartbroke soul's voice calls
through the night.

As shadows  dance and the whiskey
glimmers within the glass.
She's there but a ghost within my lap
her chill brings warmth.

That memorie calls to me as the bottle
is better admired than cracked.
It's passion contained  for another.

Life does fade apon the gleam
of a blade.
Candles are better for birthdays
and little kids cakes.

Fire is shared between two in a kiss.
Reflection mixes well on just another
night like this.

I tied the knot to fill the empty spaces you left.
I tried to keep my room clean, picking every piece of clothig you threw that didn't fit in the basket beam.
I told myself it was all but a beautiful dream, or a lie.
A shadow that phantom my dellusion.

Nature of creation does not yield to my desires
Instead mother-nature commands me to her demands
Compelling me to forfeit my freewill, while she does as she pleases
Unpleasant for father-time , whom waits for no man
In an attempt to keep up with the times, taxing nature with these man-made creations.
While i was trying to make a contribution back to creation for my existance
Inowadays to make a living i have to earn
Due to the high cost of living , i cannot afford to leisure
Some items i cannot even afford to pay the cost of their attention
I can do anything here on earth with freewill wherest nature is powerful than me
Somethings require patience to be achieved wherest i have limited time here on earth
From birth to death i have to abide by laws of nature
The creator knows my weaknesses and strengths and fears and wishes
Therefore i will play by the rules for my purpose

No one is the same
No one is normal
Or perfect
So girl
Start looking in the mirror
See yourself
Instead of an dellusion
For the delusion is death

Deafening streaks of light chose to escape its mouth
Baby ocean seems to have an upset stomach
Now crying tides and waved is the only way too soothe

Rocking in the sea is my ship of life
Hope it doesnt kneel
Drowning one moment
Rising in another

Blanket of white fog takes the ship under its cover
Nothing but sky of darkness around
Unsure of its way
Oh wait,
something can be seen

Blur beam of light leads to a path
Looks pretty similar to the ship's destination
Will the sail reach it destination
By the waves of destiny
Or dellusion of the lighthouse?