Your desolate heart is the only moor to which I am barren.....

It was a Saturday in November, yea I still remember. I confessed my profound feelings to what now appears to be a hollow frame of shattered dreams. And the distance between us seems to only lengthen. Well maybe I'm okay with it, maybe I really just don't give a ****. I've had enough of you deficating upon my desperate hopes. Tired of you spitting on me, tired of you ******* on me. Quite frankly, I no longer care to be here; in this feeding pit where you starve me love and fill me with false hope and pain. I can't stay here..it's draining everything that I am and try to be, can't you see..you're ******* killing me, constantly shoving me aside, guess what. The truth is, I stopped loving you for while.. now and I just feel so alive now. I feel free. No longer enchained by meaningless hi's and goodbyes, most importantly, no more compromise. I've stopped selling myself promising futures, I realised that I'd be broke if I kept buying into my beautiful sins. Sacrificing everything for the sake of you in my life, clipping my own wings and bearing a heart that knows of nothing but strife. You disgust me, the taste of your name on my tongue makes my blood boil and my face wry. You no longer have to accept me because this is goodbye for sure.I don't want you, I don't need you, I don't love you...anymore.

What is wrong with me
Why am I this way?
Why do have to deal
With this struggle every phuckin' day?
I try to take my mind off of things
Without the use of alcohol or drugs.
But my inner voices tell me
I'm useless & unloved.
They tell me I'm a ***** up
They tell me I'm no good.
They tell me I'm incapable of doing better
There's no way I could.
What they tell me must be truthful
Because that's how I feel.
The voices tell me the truth
They like to "keep it real"
They speak to me at night
That's why I rarely sleep.
They tell me I'm not strong
So they render me weak.
They make me go look in the mirror
& it's my reflection I'm hating.
I live a life of self-loathing
& self-deficating.
I've learned to hate myself
The voices made me see the light.
I've given into my voices
I believe they are right.
I believe what they say about me
They know best it seems.
The voices stripped away my pride
& destroyed my self-esteem.
I think what my voice tell me
Leaves me emotionally & mentally spent.
These voice must be my only friends
Because they listen when I vent.
They listen when no one else does
They give me their undivided attention.
They keep my inner secrets well
To no one else they will mention.
They show me how to hide the pain
They show me how to conceal it.
But when my voices & I are alone
They **** sure make me feel it.
The voices make me feel as if I'm nothing
As if my life is a waste of time.
They say it so much
That it's tattooed on my mind.
They're right, I'm worthless
Taking up precious space.
The world would be a better place
If I were erased.
*voices you are right

It's 4:25 am

I live in a quiet suburb

In middle class southern California

I only work part time

Because that's all I can find

I have an akward shoulder

That is permanent


If you as me how I am

I'll say "good" or "fine"


Maybe I don't think much

About this life


So I can't go out

And meet any women

Because I'm poor


Hours alone

At the gym

I'm such a bore

I never get a great body

Or anything like that


I'll always be

Just plain old Matt


Same dull expression

Same miserable frown


A painful existence

F* this town


Nowhere to go

Nothing to do


I guess I have problems

How about you?


I'll just repeat the same

Leisure activities  

Over and over again


I enjoy golf

And I play it all alone


I learned that Jesus

Doesn't care one bit

About my akward body

And he won't heal my shoulder

Like he healed people in the Bible


Ugly and alone

Forever alone


Wandering on mountain trails

Stupid, meaningless planet


Nothing to do

Except keep on keeping on


At least I live for the benefit

Of others

At least I try to serve the needs of the people


After a lifetime of working out

I get to have an akward body

I guess that *****


And most people are liars

Like my therapist

Who left


Sometimes I eat too many carbs

Life is a type of death

Who cares


Absurdity of absurdities

The world is cold and empty


Hiking on mountain trails

Banging hiking sticks against rocks

Deficating on the side of the trail


I don't have a nice car

Or a pretty girlfriend


Women ignore me

Because I don't even feel

Comfortable in this akward body


Who cares

Some old friends don't call

Anymore


Who cares


Alone on the driving range

Hitting golf *****


Just like I told the therapist

I would be


The day World War III started

I didn't f* care

Just sat in a tree

Eating a pear


Just wanted normal shoulders

For goodness sake

Is that so much to ask?


Didn't want to be rich

Or famous


I don't think

I was ever suppose to feel anything

Just a bunch of random

And meaningless times


Followed by the end


Life is a type of death


And it's hard to tell
The night time
From the day

I'm losing all my highs and lows
Funny how the feeling goes away

And I won't get married


Life is stupid
Life is dumb
Turns out it isn't
Very much fun

F** American society
And nobody cares

Glued to their wireless devices

I'm alone standing over there

My akward ugly body

This isn't a nice poem

Life is brutal, cruel, lonely


I want to have a female friend

American politics are some kind of joke


Just a bunch of random experiences
No woman to hug or care for
No woman to be my friend
My prayers go unanswered

Good wishes to you I send