somewhere over two packs a day
budget smokes
tobacco and chemicals swept up off the plant floor
combines with well over one thousand gallons of Jim Beam
hate-fest on the liver and lungs –
from under twenty the ******* and LSD
sherm’s with the break dancers
in the Frisco Bay
years of **** abuse
both via the nose,
and also from a foil tube
………….
and then the ****** –

50 plus years old in an emergency room
looking at pictures
of  10% heart function
fuzzy, grainy, distorted,
and true…
major life changes ensue
through with smoking and eating garbage
afraid of road rage
and defibrillation
sitting in a basement
thinking about my cannabis oil
and a November trip to Colorado. –

phone calls to friends expressing a new version
telling the youth the lifestyle isn’t always the way
living fast and dying young
doesn’t always work
rarely leaves a pretty corpse
and won’t make you any more of a badass….
to live one’s life to the fullest
each and every day
with no consideration for the outcome
sometimes has you looking at pictures
of healthy lungs
plaque free arteries
a clean liver
and only 10% heart function –

Images I have never seen
waltz through my mind
slowly turning and moving to and fro
one, two, three
one, two, three
the rhythm matching the unevenness
of his most important muscle
I sit quietly on the edge of my bed
thinking over a lifetime and my best dear friend
I hope we make it to November. –

Nothing but pain in my veins, wondering when will things ever be the same?
Struggling each night, just to keep myself from drowning in this horrible pool of pain
Drip drop, my heart slowly begins to stop and suddenly all I feel is shame
Now simultaneously my eyes begin to pour torrential rain

Endless agony and suppression, all because my pain has got me deep in oppression
Fighting with myself, just one more incident and dangggggggg it's right back to depression
"Pull yourself together" "Don't cry" "Stay strong"
My mind tries to convince that there's no possible way I could've right this wrong.

Swear the Only reason I like the rain is because I nicely matches my pain
All the joy it brings to watch my tears slowly travel down the drain
Whose idea was it anyway to think to ever hurt someone else all for selfish gain?
Well 'Mr. Popular' I hope you enjoy your notoriously self earned fame

Seriously was my distress, just a part of your hilarious test?
Knew I should've preserved myself,
Just knew I should've invest much less.
I could've saved myself a long time ago
Instead I was too caught up in trying to convince myself that it really wasn't ******>If you want to you'd go, but you'd hurt me deeply and that you know

The purpose of exactly which pain you cause me was never a real mystery
Because between you and me, we both know what was the real curiosity...
It was me thinking that my despondency, would ever yield the response I really wanted to see.

Endless trials and tribulations,
man this stress really puts me in desperate need of defibrillation
But I'm definitely thankful to God for this oh, so sweet revelation.
Absolutely nothing but pain in my veins
Thinking now just maybe things don't ever have to be the same
Satisfied in knowing all my hurt was not in vain
Not because I wished you death or horrible pain
But because my betters days arrived and now I...
I am proud to say that I now smile victoriously through the rain.

- (jrew)