i am African, Yes i am black, i live under the same sun as yours, yes we are one.   Why battle with one another, the xenophobia attacks in my country should end, shops are looted, houses burnt down, children fear going to school and hundreds are left homeless.     What happended to South Africa being known as a Rainbow Nation? After 22 years of democracy why do we still fight, defensless statues are destroyed, histroy is wiped away and all that is left is faces without races, let us put our weapons down and rather love than fight.

I EAT A SUBOXONE FOR LUNCH
I THINK THAT IM GONNA THROW UP
THATS A LOVELY BUZZ AND SIDE AFFECT OF BEING FORCED TO GROW UP
I MISS BEING YOUNG IN SUMMER
ONLY TWENTY ONE & BUMMED OUT
ALWAYS SOMETHING WRONG & ITS MY FAULT I JUST KEEP FAULTING OUT
& ALL THE LOVELY LADIES THAT IVE LOVED JUST THINK IM CRAZY CUZ MY LOVE AROUND THE CLOCK THE LOVE THEY GIVE TO ME IS LAZY
& IT BREAKS ME, ALWAYS BREAKS ME, EVERY TIME IT FEELS THE SAME N IM ALIVE BUT DEAD INSIDE I GO OUTSIDE TO FEEL THE RAYS & I DISSOLVE
DONT WANNA BE INVOLVED
DESIRE TO EVOLVE I FEEL THE RAIN  & CRACK A SMILE SYMBOLS INESCAPABLE
ALWAYS FALL, FOREVER FALLEN NEVER FALLEN FOR
I PLACE FLOWERS IN THE HINGES LATCHES OF YOUR LOCKING DOOR
& I KNOW THAT THEYLL PROLLY DIE YEAH YOU WONT EVER WATER THEM
BUT I JUST FIGURED MAYBE YOU MIGHT SMILE AT THE THOUGHT OF THEM
& IF I COULD CONTROL ALL THESE EMOTIONS I COULD CALL YOU FRIEND
IM SWEPT IN THE INTENSITY DEFENSLESS & A FALLEN MAN

It is when I lie defensless
That I reach the top - the peak
Of the only pleasant feeling.
It is that of my beautiful nightly affairs
That I do so crave each second I breathe

But as I stir
Waking to a morning
Quite the same as the rest
I chase the faint flicker
Of my sweet midnight endeavors

I struggle to cling
To the faint fading feeling
Of such wanderlust
Such joy
Red hair that I was enamored with

When I have opened my eyes in full
And let the sorrows of today
Tomorrow
And yesterday sink in
The memories skitter away forever

And I'm left to haul another day
Scraping the rugged mountainside
Overlooking the pain of collected rubble
Shoving its way under my fingernails
To reach the sweet escape

On the very top once again

John Carr was his name. He found himself on the corner of Mill and Main, a very respectable road for the area. He climbed over a rusted car eroding over time to see a gun fire to a yound woman and her baby sprawled in road. John walked to the man, their eyes still violently shaking from adrenaline. The two men prepared themselves with the smoking gun. John, defensless, undressed all he had until his bare bones carved the air. He rested his knees on the black pavement riddled with history, and prayed. John Carr’s splattered blood touched the babies’ hand.

It is written in my eyes
exposing all the secrets I've hidden through my lies
a never ending incese
of a smokless flame
protection I'd forsake
defensless I became
and destruction I let in
as desperation seeped right in
turned screams to harbor out the melody to form
a screeching flow of streams
steadily rushing from my head to my toe
I lose control
like lava bursting at escape
hurdling waves of a rage as it pumps of waterfalls profusely into every single vein
drowned and devoured
into hate
its becomes all you know and all you see
to the very air you breathe
cutting from the mystery
that love eliminates all misery
to bring healing to a self destructive state
yet, here I stay to, still remain in vain
to be left in the suffering of a once heart attacked and stained

only here do I find solace in the confinments of my soliatry silence
for no matter how much I may brave,
I become a visible,
To those who see my pain...

When I was 19 I was pregnant and lost my first baby when I was 22 I was pregnant with my husband found out it was a tubal pregnancy. Found out the odds of me carrying we're slim to none and if I did the baby would be dead or another tubal and would die anyways. I succomed myself to this fate. I became ok with it just being me. I don't want children anyways 26 I thought something was wrong I went to the doctor found out I was pregnant it attached just barely in the right place yet I had plecenta previa in the process. I felt betrayed by my own body felt this foreign object growing inside me was a parasite why. I was ok with me. Why did it have to be like this. Slowly as it grew I started to change my mind. I started to fall in love. It would kick me in the night and I grew accustomed to its tiny little fluttering. It was mine all mine...man I didn't know what love was. Yet there was a promblem. I wanted so much more for it than I could give. I wanted it with me always yo love on to cherrish but i knew this wasn't about me it was about what was best for it. Then the day came who was it going to be her or him. He was so beautiful seeing him n the screen watching him move. I decided then I had to give him to someone who can give him everything I can't. I would never not be there still but I couldn't povide for him the way he needed I couldn't give him stability. My own issues would project on to this innocent little defensless child and there was nothing I could do. 8 months later I woke in a pool of blood. Two days later my son came into this world I had him then I gave him up. You don't have to own someone to love them. Open adoption is a beautiful thing but my son is always 4 hours away from me and not a moment goes by when I don't miss him. I can't have any more childern doctors were fearful about how close I came to bleeding and although I signed the papers to get fixed they agreed that it was a good decision the likely hood of me having another child safely was too risky. I almost died bringing him into this world but I would died a million times to do it again...I love you still and everything I do is for you always.

how did i get here?
In such a defensless state,
It doesnt always feel good here,
But i still choose to stay.
She put me here, in this unfamiliar place,
Like an eagle she swooped for my heart,
But doesnt know that she has it,
My fragile heart, in her warm hands it lays.
Just look at her,
That amazing human being,
Not even knowing how much she means to me,
How is this possible, thank you Lord for this blessing.
Its just like in the movies,
I love you endlessly,
I just wish i could tell you,
But not yet they say.
Its just so cute,
How clueless you are,
I love you so much,
My beautiful star.
Im scared that i might lose you,
If i do id cry everyday,
I can just imagine,
That endless kind of pain.
But what if its not her,
What if she leaves me,
I would die in an instant,
With my heart cold and gray.
Lord i dont know,
If its her youll give to me,
But i will trust you,
Whoever it may be.
We have a long journey ahead of us,
No idea what our future may lay,
But all i know is that,
i   l o v e   y o u ,  A.

- g

It's difficult to sleep when I have the same nightmare everynight.
It's difficult to be awake when that nightmare is my reality.

Everynight I remember my past. Everytime I was beaten and left in the corner to pick myself up. Everytime I was hurting and I had to brush my self off. I was defensless. Every time I was touched by the man that were supposed to be role models.

My heart aches knowing that I was always alone. When I watched my parents argue, or my brother beaten. My mother beaten. I was cornered and crying. And I was left to clean the blood, to call the cops. No one asked me if I was okay. No one offered a hug.

I still remember that stuff. I still remember being tackled and hit. With blood running down my face. I didn't feel the pain of the punch. My heat was crying to much. I trusted them. I depended on them. I still do. They wernt there when my brother was ripped out of my life. All the nights that I've cried myself to sleep, are meaningless to them.

I reached out. I cried for help. But they were to sad to see my tears. Worked to much to see me bleed. I was alone. And I tried to help them. But I just got yelled at. Just got hurt. Kicked when I was down.

They said sorry. They would change. But I stopped trusting them. I stopped trusting people. Because what they di didn't know was I was beaten at school too. Tortured by my peers. The teachers didn't care. They said to **** it up. I had to anyway. When I tried to tell them about school they would say they were to busy. They were always busy. When they wernt they dumped me at my grandparents.

They were no better. They spat in my face and made sure I realized I'm worthless. They drilled it into my head.

Here I am 14. Straight A's, college courses and honor role every year, and I'm still not enough. I have pushed my self and I'm hurting. When I wake up screaming, I'm not heard. When I walk out crying, I'm not seen. They promised, and they lied. I'm still abandoned. I'm still alone.

I learned to stop leaving myself vulnerable. I listen to my music, alone, I'm the dark. Where no one could see me anyway. Where no one could hear me anyway. I tell myself that i dont need them. Now that something seems "wrong" with me they worry. I have two counsalers a therapist, and a phycoligist. But I don't need them. They can't fix my problems. What's the point.

I don't know how to be happy. I never had a reason to be. I try to pretend so people don't try to help. I let so many people try and they all have up on me. I don't want to be hurt again. I stopped sharing. I hold it in. I can say I'm okay with tears falling, and they would all believe it.

Oh no ......  
I feel .....
Something......
like a
Nautious memory
Meyes burnt,
Saliva bitterd
Pooled into the
Middle of my
Mouth
Turnt to stone
Covered in dry sand....
And.   ...
I....
Now know
In trying to
Swallow
Along with all
The pains re surfacing
Making it almost impossible.......
I......
Realize.....the
Painjure.  I have been
Living in.....
The stone couldnt go through my chest cavity
The trump rang loudly
My heart cornered pounding deploying a chemical defense.
The stone grew
Barbs.
And claws
Began digging
Through the ugly scars
And every barb
Retract and those that didnt
Dug it and pulled hard.....
singleminded
Its soul purpose
Render me defensless
Making me face
Those things
I dont want to see.
The weaponry my heart sent to vanquish the
Painful enemy invading me
Reinged victorious.
Turnt the stone to salt water
And was immediately out cast .
Through ducts itn the corner of my blood shot eyes.
And giant hot shimmering crystal clear drops rained from there with snot and slober
I looked up and screamed and rent my shirt and my face slammed into my breast plate.
Like the never seen cliche of an  ostrich
Involuntary function.
Still not any better remnants liquidated
Bitter invader.
Weakened me
Allied with gravity
And buckled my knees
Sobbing
Blubbering
Asking
Un-understandable
Mutterings
Like off note guitar strings
And late night belligerent lyrics Eddie Vettar on a rant
Sea shatees.
Followed with a few sniveling
Convulsive whimperings.
Stand up jut my
Chin up
Dry my eyes sever the dangling mucous and blow my nose mop the floor
Gain some composure.
I actually feel better than before....
But lets not forget im a man
Lets not visit that memory any more ....
Dont wanna be
An attention
***** or seem
Needy..
No Sar