I STILL EXIST- I STILL EXIST
My pen writes
I still Exist

and an empty feeling engulfs me
I am painting a purple tree
I tell my family counselor
That the paint reminds me
Of arsenic Greek cheese dust
That a human predator
two faced fiancee
placed on my green salad in 1976
He said he would teach me how Greeks killed with love at sea
Then kindly offered
To bring
breakfast and lunch
for me in bed
(Ladden with poison)
While I ate it he danced Zorba the Greek!
His jealous raicist medeas mistresses knew his past crimes
I didn't I was very naive
his superstitious ignorant parents twelve people  asked him to Get rid of me baby and all

Overdosed with pitocin for a cow
giving birth was a torture
then blood thinners
were added to slowly
end my life
A hate crime because I a sub human born in Mexico not Greece
The poisons caused
a chest malformation of my daughter requiring surgery
later in life was mis-diagnosed
as pectus scavatum
but I knew better it was
attempted ******
a chilling secret I was so ashamed to reveal

I did escape my kids and me
we survived  the memory
of my true love's loving ways
In America saved me from certain death there I was 75 lbs
When I escaped Hell
Greece
But salads gave me
Nausea through the years
I could never recall why

Painting gets my mind
Off painful memories
resurficing examining my life understanding me and others

I have many regrets unwittingly
my loving innermost feelings
remained trapped inside
and I lost my true love
in my dead calm silence of pain
Foolish online Ink
One involuntary bad deed
In Veracruz
Two SAD songs

My shrink says I have a beautiful
Soul a relentles spirit
That I managed to do better then
Most despite hellish adversity
A childhood marred with
heartbreak a trail of
Graves tree stumps
Coffin and treassures
Spirit breath of life and death
  
My hybrid race was secret
Poverty lack of Rhogam
My father the Apocalyto
Hero killed by MEX Feds
Who stole my Land
We are indigenous
Purhepecha tribe
The enemy of the Aztecs
So me my father's little queen of the forest his STAR could
Fly high and zoar
He was the love of my life
My dad David

A few days of effexor RX can bring about amnesia to block old kidnapping memories of turture resurficing unsolicited
Effexor to stop tears
regulating serotonin disrupted
After a car accident with traumatic head injury concoussion brain swelling so much that falling asleep for three months was impossible

MD prescribed just a trial
few warp eight mind bending Effexsors serotonin reuptakers
For only fifteen days
Half of thirty seven mg
Tears stopped immediatly a calmnesss
self assured old me demeanor
re-emerged I remember the arsenic and blood thiner injections the faces of sadistic jealous women but it didn't hurt

But soon my heart began to speed up so fast I could hear it beating in my ears at lowest dose

so the higher dose was not allowed.
Side effects if used longer than six months could make the
face to twich! who needs that!

So therapy ended slowly redusing small to smallest dosages for fifteen days
treatment ended
Don't like messing with my brain

Today I enjoy simple pleasures
echos born like me in
In the atlantic mystery

family time my lifetime best
best lover best Mother
nest friend to me myself
Remembering those few
Souls
Who deared greatly
their wisdom and foresigh to bet
On my future my light myself!
my father's little
Queen of the forest tribute to
My Once Upon A Time
True love his love songs
His poems quickening me
Awaking me
He was the love
Of my life my true love JPC/RC

He showed me he loved me
But he never could "tell me"
He loved me all my fault
Thinking back not ever
any other man told me
he loved me one or two boys wanted something from me freely given or taken by force from me
I didn't want them at all
No person growing up
Ever
Told me they loved me and most showed me my life didn't matter
many of my civil rights were violated throughout my life by thugs hainas had more charm
Only my father David San chez
and later my adoptive Mother mommy dearest told me once she loved me showed me she cared.
My children tell me and show me
They love me
Sometimes they hate me too
sadly they are under the spell of deadly sterile drug user enemies who assassinate my character lie and slander me to my grown daughters and I have now become estranged until they figure all out on their own so they learn to fight woolves in sheeps clothing and understand treason
and ungratefulness towards their own mother
There was only one man I loved
The MOST on this whole wide world
His ink scripted love remained the good intermigled with evil
Forever a part of me
My Lord Shiva my first teacher
My sage my guru
My Lancelott
Me  first love my last love
my tree of life he was
The only man I ever loved
and lost
Looking back
I thank G** King Jesus
King Arthur
And few other men who
Traveled in and out my door
Only one had my lock's key
I am glad you came along
I sing this last song
In memory of all the good
The bad and very bad
The few nefarious vipers I kissed
I forgive you all forgive you me for NOT
Understanding you
For loving those fellowmen
Who didn't know how to love me back
I wave my last
Good bye
I
Will
In your light and my own
Pray for you and me

As for the love of my life
"You are like a prayer
In church to God"
"I remembet you,
as someone something
VERY DEAR and precious"
You were the Best
You touched my STAR
And my starry skies sparkle
With your light remember me
in the same light my love
Look me up with your telescope
When you watch the stars
From your sun roof
In your bedroom

Find my Aries Constelation
For there is
My home
Without
You
I've taken with me a piece
Of Veracruz
A Mothers Day surprise
at the Hilton
raised in your arms on a warm June at a  bar
Where i felt like a bride
your bride

I almost asked you then and there to throw a big party
for you and me
But the monastery's dead silence
Growing up isolated
Silenced the spontaniety
Of thought you required of me
yet again!You regressed me you
tried in so many ways for me to
tell you  "I love you I am sorry
I'll marry you!"
All over again
I adored you remember this
Always.

As I walked these halls filled with so much memory,
I reminisce the glory of the days gone by,
I sit by a pavement where our hearts once lingered,
And I looked to the stars where our hopes were kindled

The sun was scorching its heat that summer day,
You came like a blowing winter on a hot day,
Then I found myself seating next to a stranger,
You felt so different, someone I’ve never seen

You didn’t say a word yet I felt so uplifted,
You knew me before I uttered a single word,
You heard what was lurking in my heart all these times,
You told me, I was in dire need of salvation

It was our untimely meeting I ever pondered,
In my dreams, there an angel stood by my side,
The sunlight shone her beautiful eyes,
An ecclesiastical angel, who was sent by heaven prevailed.

Time has become our prime our greatest companion,
It has witnessed all the stories the stories our lives have written,
As each day that passed by, I spent to know who you are,
And for some inexplicable reason, you knew me

I grew to love an angel whom I thought I could never own,
It was the blazing eloquence you have shared with me,
You spoke of the words of heaven, which I deared most,
What you uttered silenced the demon in me

What I loved the most was how you basked in sunshine,
The sunlight glared through your eyes and I saw love,
In your arms, I felt the security you gave,
As if you embraced all my flaws and imperfections

As the feast of starlight brought enormous joy,
Everyone danced along to its melody,
We sat right next to each other, hands fit perfectly
Your lips pressed upon mine beneath the moonless sky

You shed your angelic wings and became a mortal;
You chose to stay with me here in my world
For years that has been our setting,
It paved way for us to prosper

But there came a day when you received a calling,
By your will, you chose to take up your seat and to regain your wings
You bid me goodbye with a kiss under the stars
And told me that you would be one of them

You now walk in starlight in another world,
In a world so vast and beyond what mankind could fathom
You left me a feather of your wings, to serve as a reminder
That once in our lives the impossible comes to life.

...

A whisper on the wind
carried news of your impending arrival

even the birds held their breath,
not even a twig deared snap in anticipation.

You were one one of
the 12 great mysteries of life.

But I  saw through you.

You took far more than I was willing to give unwittingly.

I am my own mystery,

so I whistled sweetly crunching on soft twigs
suffering all the hard stares and curses of the woods.

But, these are my woods,
my fields of green and my happiness never depended on you.

I wont hold my breath or on to any false hopes.

I know what there is to seek,
and what I don't want to find,

I know what I am.

Do you?