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Matthew James Apr 2016
I'm bored of reading political views
I'm bored of watching the **** on the news
I'm bored of having to have and opinion
I'm bored

I'm tired of people wanting to fight
I'm tired of people who think their view is right
I'm tired of the views of the right and the left
I'm tired

I'm fed up with always having to judge
I'm fed up of people who's opinions won't budge
I'm fed up that I can't just get on with my life
I'm fed up

I'm sick of talking of David Cameron
I'm sick of talking of Donald Trump
I'm sick of talking of Boris Johnson
I'm sick of talking of Bernie Sanders
I'm sick of talking of Jeremy Corbin
I'm sick of politics

I want to talk about people and life
David Cameron is just a person
Jeremy Corbin is just a person
Not bad guys and good
Don't get annoyed with the guy at the top because he doesn't do things the way that he should.
Don't create a system where we put him on top and then moan coz he doesn't do it the way that we would.
Darkly sarcastic cynical views do little that's good. They leave me bereft
Don't split up the range and complexity of human ideals into a basic idea of right and left.
Right and wrong.
Them and us.
Cameron and Corbin.
Trump and Sanders.
Rich and poor.
It's not that simple
They're all just people
You can't lift one up on a steeple
And cast the other into hell
Some of what they say is right as well
We're blind men with an elephant
And our discussions just aren't elegant
And until we listen to opposing views
I'm just going to stop watching the news.
“Willis, I didn’t want you here to-day:
The lawyer’s coming for the company.
I’m going to sell my soul, or, rather, feet.
Five hundred dollars for the pair, you know.”

“With you the feet have nearly been the soul;
And if you’re going to sell them to the devil,
I want to see you do it. When’s he coming?”

“I half suspect you knew, and came on purpose
To try to help me drive a better bargain.”

“Well, if it’s true! Yours are no common feet.
The lawyer don’t know what it is he’s buying:
So many miles you might have walked you won’t walk.
You haven’t run your forty orchids down.
What does he think?—How are the blessed feet?
The doctor’s sure you’re going to walk again?”

“He thinks I’ll hobble. It’s both legs and feet.”

“They must be terrible—I mean to look at.”

“I haven’t dared to look at them uncovered.
Through the bed blankets I remind myself
Of a starfish laid out with rigid points.”

“The wonder is it hadn’t been your head.”

“It’s hard to tell you how I managed it.
When I saw the shaft had me by the coat,
I didn’t try too long to pull away,
Or fumble for my knife to cut away,
I just embraced the shaft and rode it out—
Till Weiss shut off the water in the wheel-pit.
That’s how I think I didn’t lose my head.
But my legs got their knocks against the ceiling.”

“Awful. Why didn’t they throw off the belt
Instead of going clear down in the wheel-pit?”

“They say some time was wasted on the belt—
Old streak of leather—doesn’t love me much
Because I make him spit fire at my knuckles,
The way Ben Franklin used to make the kite-string.
That must be it. Some days he won’t stay on.
That day a woman couldn’t coax him off.
He’s on his rounds now with his tail in his mouth
Snatched right and left across the silver pulleys.
Everything goes the same without me there.
You can hear the small buzz saws whine, the big saw
Caterwaul to the hills around the village
As they both bite the wood. It’s all our music.
One ought as a good villager to like it.
No doubt it has a sort of prosperous sound,
And it’s our life.”

“Yes, when it’s not our death.”

“You make that sound as if it wasn’t so
With everything. What we live by we die by.
I wonder where my lawyer is. His train’s in.
I want this over with; I’m hot and tired.”

“You’re getting ready to do something foolish.”

“Watch for him, will you, Will? You let him in.
I’d rather Mrs. Corbin didn’t know;
I’ve boarded here so long, she thinks she owns me.
You’re bad enough to manage without her.”

“And I’m going to be worse instead of better.
You’ve got to tell me how far this is gone:
Have you agreed to any price?”

“Five hundred.
Five hundred—five—five! One, two, three, four, five.
You needn’t look at me.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I told you, Willis, when you first came in.
Don’t you be ******* me. I have to take
What I can get. You see they have the feet,
Which gives them the advantage in the trade.
I can’t get back the feet in any case.”

“But your flowers, man, you’re selling out your flowers.”

“Yes, that’s one way to put it—all the flowers
Of every kind everywhere in this region
For the next forty summers—call it forty.
But I’m not selling those, I’m giving them,
They never earned me so much as one cent:
Money can’t pay me for the loss of them.
No, the five hundred was the sum they named
To pay the doctor’s bill and tide me over.
It’s that or fight, and I don’t want to fight—
I just want to get settled in my life,
Such as it’s going to be, and know the worst,
Or best—it may not be so bad. The firm
Promise me all the shooks I want to nail.”

“But what about your flora of the valley?”

“You have me there. But that—you didn’t think
That was worth money to me? Still I own
It goes against me not to finish it
For the friends it might bring me. By the way,
I had a letter from Burroughs—did I tell you?—
About my Cyprepedium reginæ;
He says it’s not reported so far north.
There! there’s the bell. He’s rung. But you go down
And bring him up, and don’t let Mrs. Corbin.—
Oh, well, we’ll soon be through with it. I’m tired.”

Willis brought up besides the Boston lawyer
A little barefoot girl who in the noise
Of heavy footsteps in the old frame house,
And baritone importance of the lawyer,
Stood for a while unnoticed with her hands
Shyly behind her.

“Well, and how is Mister——”
The lawyer was already in his satchel
As if for papers that might bear the name
He hadn’t at command. “You must excuse me,
I dropped in at the mill and was detained.”

“Looking round, I suppose,” said Willis.

“Yes,
Well, yes.”

“Hear anything that might prove useful?”

The Broken One saw Anne. “Why, here is Anne.
What do you want, dear? Come, stand by the bed;
Tell me what is it?” Anne just wagged her dress
With both hands held behind her. “Guess,” she said.

“Oh, guess which hand? My my! Once on a time
I knew a lovely way to tell for certain
By looking in the ears. But I forget it.
Er, let me see. I think I’ll take the right.
That’s sure to be right even if it’s wrong.
Come, hold it out. Don’t change.—A Ram’s Horn orchid!
A Ram’s Horn! What would I have got, I wonder,
If I had chosen left. Hold out the left.
Another Ram’s Horn! Where did you find those,
Under what beech tree, on what woodchuck’s knoll?”

Anne looked at the large lawyer at her side,
And thought she wouldn’t venture on so much.

“Were there no others?”

“There were four or five.
I knew you wouldn’t let me pick them all.”

“I wouldn’t—so I wouldn’t. You’re the girl!
You see Anne has her lesson learned by heart.”

“I wanted there should be some there next year.”

“Of course you did. You left the rest for seed,
And for the backwoods woodchuck. You’re the girl!
A Ram’s Horn orchid seedpod for a woodchuck
Sounds something like. Better than farmer’s beans
To a discriminating appetite,
Though the Ram’s Horn is seldom to be had
In bushel lots—doesn’t come on the market.
But, Anne, I’m troubled; have you told me all?
You’re hiding something. That’s as bad as lying.
You ask this lawyer man. And it’s not safe
With a lawyer at hand to find you out.
Nothing is hidden from some people, Anne.
You don’t tell me that where you found a Ram’s Horn
You didn’t find a Yellow Lady’s Slipper.
What did I tell you? What? I’d blush, I would.
Don’t you defend yourself. If it was there,
Where is it now, the Yellow Lady’s Slipper?”

“Well, wait—it’s common—it’s too common.”

“Common?
The Purple Lady’s Slipper’s commoner.”

“I didn’t bring a Purple Lady’s Slipper
To You—to you I mean—they’re both too common.”

The lawyer gave a laugh among his papers
As if with some idea that she had scored.

“I’ve broken Anne of gathering bouquets.
It’s not fair to the child. It can’t be helped though:
Pressed into service means pressed out of shape.
Somehow I’ll make it right with her—she’ll see.
She’s going to do my scouting in the field,
Over stone walls and all along a wood
And by a river bank for water flowers,
The floating Heart, with small leaf like a heart,
And at the sinus under water a fist
Of little fingers all kept down but one,
And that ****** up to blossom in the sun
As if to say, ‘You! You’re the Heart’s desire.’
Anne has a way with flowers to take the place
Of that she’s lost: she goes down on one knee
And lifts their faces by the chin to hers
And says their names, and leaves them where they are.”

The lawyer wore a watch the case of which
Was cunningly devised to make a noise
Like a small pistol when he snapped it shut
At such a time as this. He snapped it now.

“Well, Anne, go, dearie. Our affair will wait.
The lawyer man is thinking of his train.
He wants to give me lots and lots of money
Before he goes, because I hurt myself,
And it may take him I don’t know how long.
But put our flowers in water first. Will, help her:
The pitcher’s too full for her. There’s no cup?
Just hook them on the inside of the pitcher.
Now run.—Get out your documents! You see
I have to keep on the good side of Anne.
I’m a great boy to think of number one.
And you can’t blame me in the place I’m in.
Who will take care of my necessities
Unless I do?”

“A pretty interlude,”
The lawyer said. “I’m sorry, but my train—
Luckily terms are all agreed upon.
You only have to sign your name. Right—there.”

“You, Will, stop making faces. Come round here
Where you can’t make them. What is it you want?
I’ll put you out with Anne. Be good or go.”

“You don’t mean you will sign that thing unread?”

“Make yourself useful then, and read it for me.
Isn’t it something I have seen before?”

“You’ll find it is. Let your friend look at it.”

“Yes, but all that takes time, and I’m as much
In haste to get it over with as you.
But read it, read it. That’s right, draw the curtain:
Half the time I don’t know what’s troubling me.—
What do you say, Will? Don’t you be a fool,
You! crumpling folkses legal documents.
Out with it if you’ve any real objection.”

“Five hundred dollars!”

“What would you think right?”

“A thousand wouldn’t be a cent too much;
You know it, Mr. Lawyer. The sin is
Accepting anything before he knows
Whether he’s ever going to walk again.
It smells to me like a dishonest trick.”

“I think—I think—from what I heard to-day—
And saw myself—he would be ill-advised——”

“What did you hear, for instance?” Willis said.

“Now the place where the accident occurred——”

The Broken One was twisted in his bed.
“This is between you two apparently.
Where I come in is what I want to know.
You stand up to it like a pair of *****.
Go outdoors if you want to fight. Spare me.
When you come back, I’ll have the papers signed.
Will pencil do? Then, please, your fountain pen.
One of you hold my head up from the pillow.”

Willis flung off the bed. “I wash my hands—
I’m no match—no, and don’t pretend to be——”

The lawyer gravely capped his fountain pen.
“You’re doing the wise thing: you won’t regret it.
We’re very sorry for you.”

Willis sneered:
“Who’s we?—some stockholders in Boston?
I’ll go outdoors, by gad, and won’t come back.”

“Willis, bring Anne back with you when you come.
Yes. Thanks for caring. Don’t mind Will: he’s savage.
He thinks you ought to pay me for my flowers.
You don’t know what I mean about the flowers.
Don’t stop to try to now. You’ll miss your train.
Good-bye.” He flung his arms around his face.
EJT Mar 2015
I met you as scars carried in the clouds.
You were the thunderstorm I ran through.
A crescendo rattling past the shallow surface of heartbeats,
together we were a depth unto ourselves;
By the souls, we found a loss of time.
As a rhythm all its own beating into my realm of conciousness, there came the first press of your existence into my life.
Michael S Davis Apr 2013
The twenty-one gun salute
that pierced your soul at the funeral
of your grandfather,
Col. Robert Corbin Lowry,
was a fitting tribute
to a man who loved you dearly;
a soldier who fought bravely,
led his men with compassion,
humbly carried the scars of service,
and endured each Fourth of July
as too-noisy a reminder of the shots
that pierced his soul in Vietnam.
As you live your life,
honor him
by continuing to be
the granddaughter
in whom he was so proud.
You have always done that well.

©2002 Michael S Davis
2D World Apr 2018
I'm ready to shoot, hand me the pistol *** I'm ****** all the time
These issues are deeper than an Adam's apple so take a bite of Adam's apple, that was the world's first crime
I hid myself so much my sanity was the only thing the seeker couldn't find
I made contract for my life but the liability waiver was never signed
I'm lost in these thoughts undoubtedly trapped in my own mind
Just waiting for the stars and planets to become aligned
Since things naturally don't go right although a stitch in time saves nine
But its all like Amanda on drugs, that life's the only thing she couldn't Byne
I'm brain dead to reality you could call that a cerebral ******
I'm trying to bend the facts but I just keep saying "insert girder"
I tried to dance life away so I took lessons from Tina at Bob's Burger
But I still seem to be invisible in plain sight like telling you what the hell is a Berber
I'm just rambling out words to hide the old love in my eyes
Since I was stuck in the past searching for an ex-her-size
And if you looked into my eyes two months ago I could tell you I loved to despise
A relationship til I caught an angel with no lies or disguise
I always wondered what life would be like if both my grandfathers never died
I met one at his funeral and the other had a demolition dirby crash because the other guy didn't read the driver's hand guide
I'd give a lot to see them and what they were like they'd be the ones I confide
The feelings of my past pain and agony, let then know how I was trapped in the rough seas with high tide
I often believed my eyes drip dropped because every drop eye dripped was a waterfall of mental issues
If you thought Squidward was bad when he sang boys who cry then I'm gonna four ply for these eyes no other tissues
I used to take happiness for granted well at least that was my excuse
To stay in the darkness of my shadows because I couldn't even reach silver with my super sonic level of abuse
Corruption is nothing but a stain on my shirt and memory lane is just about an aisle down from my rebirth
I didn't think I could make it this far after being imprisoned behind the suicidal bars and my lack of self worth
I wasn't too fond of my father so I adopted father time and it was mother's nature to act like my mother earth
But sometimes I think this life being born was but a broken condomn that couldn't break the return the slab curse
Its been a while since I've had a depressing memory but thank GOD its still that way
I'm still trying to walk on my ten toes so I could tip toe through the Garden of Eden when its my time and day
But sin weighs me down and I live off of these unhealthy murderous thoughts and sometimes forget to pray
Good thing I'm still in my youth pushing it to the limit like Corbin Bleu would say
I have at least eight more lines left so let's keep the heat running at a ten
Watch what light enters your eyes because my fire could damage your retina and shatter your lens
Leaving you with distorted images like capturing Kodak, black and white pictures will be the new trend
If your not laughing yet take a sip of this aqueous humor, my boujee friend Mercedes thought her last name was Benz
There's little to go so try to read in between the lines of this mental battle
You're stuck playing with babies but I'm trying to hang with the snakes that rattle
This conversation is from me to you never look for a farmer who'll treat you like cattle
And if didn't you know I was the narrator, main character and second person so has your mind been dismantled?
#LetTheMindFlow #PutPenToPaper
Corbin Holbert Oct 2014
It can cure an internal bleed,
It can put your soul at ease.
It will show you to me,
It will flow, if you please.

Hopes and dreams, all to jot.
With a touch, your shields may drop,
Moments of clarity on a paper plot-
And with enough, your pain will stop.

It can cure the itch within,
It can help you, just begin. 
Believe and you will see..

That most of all,
Your pen may set you free. 

-Corbin
Ann Nicole Oct 2015
You are an ***
That is true
I can't quite think
Of anything good about you

You harass many
Apparently it's fun
I listen to your ******* jokes
Hey, are you yet done?
Corbin Holbert Oct 2014
In a world full of hatred,
In a land so far and lost,
How can I withstand,
And what will it cost? 

A fire set brightly ablaze.
Flames; I'll feel them all.
Walking through the haze.
Shame; I'm about to fall. 

-Corbin
Corbin Holbert May 2015
You say you came back for me,
Yet here I am completely alone.
The day you came back to me,
It almost felt like I was at home.

I don't even know what to think -
Your silence has alarms sounding.
So I guess I'll have another drink -
I can't swim and I am drowning.

To you, I'm just not important;
You put everything above me.
I grab for something imported;
My whiskey always loves me.

So another line I start pouring,
As my feelings are faded -
It's six fifty five in the morning,
And I am ******* wasted.

-Corbin
Last line finished at 6:55A.M. with 8 or 9 shots of four roses double barrel whiskey in me. Cheers.
Corbin Holbert Oct 2014
Looking down..
And walking through.
All around;
The crowds don't know you.

Not a sound..
Your eyes are glued-
to social media,
and internet news. 

Feeling proud..
Of a thousand friends,
who never talk.
You are abound;
"Hey you, watch where you walk!"

It's all so fake,
Your life's at stake.
These are the dangers..
Of becoming-

Another Troubled Screenager. 

-Corbin
Corbin Holbert Dec 2014
Save me from this darkness;
This black and endless night.
Every day since you departed,
At any moment, there's no light.

I walk into the downpour,
Let the rain cleanse my soul;
Warmed by solipsism outdoors,
Impervious to the winter's cold. 

These raindrops freeze to my skin,
Encasing my body; I've ceased. 
These chains hold my heart within;
I've no desire to be released. 

The elements never stood a chance,
When we first touched to embrace.
No tremulous as I ask for this dance,
These feelings cannot be erased.

I'm armed with something stronger-
Than you've ever in your life known.
So please don't wait any longer..
Open your eyes, and come back home.

-Corbin
Corbin Holbert Oct 2014
Twisted, demented;
Sacred but rotten.
Sitting in the corners;
Memories forgotten.

Holes in the walls
Are filled with eyes.
They watch you walk;
They see your cries.

Twisted laughter echoes far;
Bloodied knives upon the bar.
Take your steps on creaking floorboards-
Tallies kept on the scoreboard.

Of those who came,
But never left.
Screams of pain;
No one's exempt.

There is no power;
The lights still flicker.
An empty chair rocks,
It's made of wicker. 

You feel a touch,
But no one's there.
You think too much;
You shouldn't dare. 

Take your steps,
And take them slow.
You'll feel regret,
Before the final blow.

Blood runs down the windowsills
From all the souls this house has killed.
Trails of scratches tattoo the walls,
Of those before who resisted and clawed. 

They tried so hard to escape,
But in the end, they sealed their fate
For once you enter, it is the end-
In this horror shop, forever you'll spend. 

-Corbin
Corbin Holbert Oct 2014
I feel the reaper coming,
Coming to take my soul.
Feel the time is running-
Out, as each breath is old.

I feel the moments passing
As my heart turns to stone.
Feel the dreams aren't lasting,
As my mind burns cold.

When I am awake, I'm dreaming,
Dreaming of being awake.
I feel the cold hands creeping;
Reaching for my soul to take. 

See you standing there-
And.. and I cannot stay.
Heavy is this life of care-
And, as is my heart this day. 

Specters and echoes,
Looking to take my soul.
Lectures to let go-
Of when my story's told.

I feel you coming closer,
I will not. back. down.
The noose is dropping lower;
I will be finished, now. 

-Corbin
Anubis Aug 2021
A heavy pit closes my throat
My thoughts are the quicksand
Slowing my own two feet
Your betrayal hit me hard
But I scramble to pick up the pieces
I sit on the floor with trembling hands
Trying to piece together our childhood
Tears fog my vision, I choke on my gasps

This is what you planned
This is what you wanted
This is what you wrote about
This was your revenge?
What about me?

I did all I could to love and protect you

I can’t seem to grasp the fact that you left
I can’t seem to grasp you never loved me
I can’t seem to move forward

I am stuck

What will you do about this?




What will I do about this?




...


What is family?



What happened to my brother?
Why is this my burden to carry?


Why did you hand this to me?
Corbin Holbert Oct 2014
Freezing waves of volcanic fire,
Rolling in, higher and higher.
Amidst the shores I stand and wait,
To see you once more; seal my fate.

My feet cemented in these sands
As you test my love and dreams.
See how much my heart withstands
As I drown in my want and needs.

The waves come crashing down;
I look for solace in this lonely place.
The waves come crashing down,
As a single tear, runs down my face.

-Corbin
Corbin Holbert Oct 2014
Scattered thoughts;
Disjointed dreams.
Shattered and lost;
Torn at the seams.

You should have seen, my dear.

A pain deep inside;
Feeling the distance.
What I cannot hide;
Concealing my resistance.

You should have seen, my dear.

A love so pure;
Nothing can defeat it.
Of this I'm sure;
It'll not be repeated.

You should have seen, my dear.

Weakly I crumble;
Falling to pieces.
Everything I fumble;
I cannot believe this.

You should have seen, my dear.

Open your eyes;
Belief and hope.
Hear my cries;
Believe what I wrote.

You should have seen...

A single tear will fall,
As I crash to the floor.
Everything I believed..
Will be seen.. none more.

-Corbin
Corbin Holbert Oct 2014
Here's to the years 
Full of dreams and dwelling fears..
To the nights when I would wipe away your falling tears,
To the screams when whispers were all I could hear..

Here's to what it seems..
And to when it all becomes clear.
To all the means that brought us here.

Truth is free and truthfully I think we've kept it truth free, or so it seems to be. 

So here's to the years, of you and me. 

-Corbin
Anubis Aug 2020
I am empty
He is gone
My life is heavy
He has fled
I am listening
To the void  
Yet hear nothing
Soaked in red
My baby brother
My best friend
Took the gun
Now he’s dead

We both rest in the void
Of the past, present, and future
A projection of my healing
H Maude Conlon Apr 2019
Stuffed animals and posters of Corbin Bleu
could have never prepared me for this moment.
Your hands touch me back like the pictures never could.
Your deliberate and calculated movements tell me
your experience is not just limited to teddy bears.

My arms are not as adept as yours,
not as practiced.
I have spaghetti limbs and wobbly knees.
You say I’m a fast learner but something tells me you're humoring my fumbles,
my awkward hands, and hesitant tongue.

You maneuver your frozen hands
under my Hello Kitty graphic tee.
My newly awakened ******* are firm yet flexible
like buds before a blossom.
Be gentle, the buds are fragile.

You fiddle with my zipper and reach into my daisy print *******.
These petals are not yet ready to be plucked.
Not ready to be stolen and scattered in
a game of “she loves me, she loves me not”
But I cannot seem to release
the one word that could save me.

I am quite literally petrified,
suspended in this moment like
one of those prehistoric dragonflies in amber.
My brain has called a moratorium on movement.
It waits for a moment of safety
for my wings to start beating again.

You will smoke me like one of your cigarettes.
Twisting me in your yellow fingers.
Taking drags of my innocence.
Until I am used and smooshed into the sidewalk.
I will not realize this until later.
Because I am somehow addicted to your type of nicotine.

Tears become crystallized in their ducts.
One touch could shatter me.
I plaster a smile on my face,
but even concrete crumbles.
My face shakes.
My mask falls.
The facade you wanted to **** disappears.
I am more vulnerable than I ever have been
daryll smith Apr 2018
https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/da-Daryll

Smith’s

The aftermath

Of
A
Suicidal

parent




written
Mr Daryll Smith



introduction

so as  you may or may not have guessed I am MR Daryll smith I grew up in Milton Keynes I was in and out of the care system then eventually  I reached the age of 14 then I was admitted to a low secure hospital in oxford with my mental health I am a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic with ptsd I later was moved to a medium secure hospital in Stevenage where I spent a number of years due to becoming so unwell

then at 19 I had my first born daughter

then  at 22 my late father mr neil micheal smith was wanted by the local police due to a few thefts
I was in the property with my late father and boosted him in to the loft where here was later found by the police to be hung I was told by the police that he had done this but I did not believe so I guess my worst nightmares had been answered as a child I would always get scared that my late father would go out and die well I guess that happened and that was the end of his life


Me now 23 years old have achieved so much in a year and 5 months I now am working drug and crime free now slowly being reduced of my anti-psychotic medication I now also have another daughter on the way and I’ve never been more stable in my life and it feels so good and I know he would be proud   and my only goal is to now make my children proud

I run a support group of about 320 people of how to cope with suicide so I hope you find peace of whatever you may need from reading this

God bless

Yours


Daryll smith & family










Know who  I am  before I Leaf


so as it stood wind flowing though it's hair blankly staring out to the mist covered view it just thinks to itself I wish I could move so the seasons change as does it's appearance he can all but see what's stands in front of him or within mere distance oh how I wish I could move but the it all changes a van pulls up preside he's happy and rustles with glee the coming there coming it's autumn and all my baby's had to leave they must be here to move me with my baby's I’ve noticed a small sign wrapped around but I can't read another van arrives this carrying a traitor behind so the worker gets out and starts to cut me I beg stop stop! this is ****** was I but now I'm furniture



These strings you left me
As you hang from these
String that you hung from i let it all sink in
You where my dad my best friend
My king i think of you
But soon my emotion’s turns to hiding
As i lurk though this lonely
Life only thoughts of you reminding
Me on once that was
I would cry but the tears but they sting only thinking
How can i now be a prince but no longer have my king  














Hopefulness in death


his emptiness inside leaves me behind
as i start my climb not thinking of who iv left behind
my minds bleeding my hearts swelling but its approaching my time
i cant
help but my mind is the leader and my thoughts are the rebellion full of
the half a billion
   each day gets harder
to bring forth this laughter
but i can climb without the easy
getting harder
I am dead inside now you've  left me behind
now I am over thinking my life
thinking of taking mine
I am sick  of faking this smile of mine
maybe its all worthwhile then
please lord let me rebuild my mind tile by tile
















You lied you lied



As you spun these lies
all I now seem to do is cry
they say wasn't my fault but I can see the lies,
still every day n night I cry
why oh why oh why I'm now empty
inside this gaping hole I can hide
but these emotions that co inside make me question this life
and why u had to leave I'm Praying to the sky looking for hindsight
but my arms are cut from beneath sleeve you promised you would never
leave so now I'm lonely my whole family's pretend they don’t know me
just me myself and
my one and only










Missing granddad


its sad when a girl misses
her granddad
its sad when her dad misses his dad
its sad when they both miss that person
that stopped them being sad and its a shame
shell never meet again her dear granddad
now that's what i call sad















Doomsday



I ask myself am I dreaming is this real
Am I real I pinch myself you fall to my knees
only To surprise -myself. Comforting is all I need
My necks bleeding and my wrist slit on the hope I may
Forget this life that I regret I see my -self stand forcing
my -self to show emotion I am trying I am trying
but not thing yet
I turned to drugs to forget but found my –self
always feeling low self-worth  so to quote ub40 the world will die screaming
I hate this way that im feeling always appealing to my self -pleading that I don’t
Have the same fate as the earth and for what its worth
I more than think I have been blessed with the smith curse
I guess ill next see you when I reach the destination via this flower draped - Hurst






Homelessness
&
Fat cats

I can feel the bitter breeze of the winter’s air
My body covered with goose bumps that layer my skin
I have no money to eat so I search the bins
People walk past and laugh but their so quick to judge but they
Don’t know the life I’ve lived and the days with my children I’ve missed
I walk with ***** soaked clothes this is the summer of the homeless and there sun kissed
Skin please sir can you spare some change he looks straight through me and reply’s get a job
I fill with fire and rage from within I politely smile back say I am hungry and shake my tin
You all wonder why I look ill and why I am so thin


I am banging on the councils door please please let
Me in 15 was the age I last slept in a bed since I am now  35 I live a ***** life 35 no goal no
Achievement’s   accomplished in my life so I overdose on drugs just to get off the street’s  for the night
Surly morally this can’t be right enjoy your bed tonight why I sleep in needle filled bushes till these
Shakes subside it a huge possibility that drunks could attack me tonight
What happen to the world’s leaders putting the wrongs to rights I have to keep on the move so I
don’t get moved on from the best spots for me to make the money for what I am so desperate for
so I remain out of sight as I said enjoy your comfy bed tonight  I guess I’ll just sit outside salvation army being
Kept awake by my hunger pains that eat me from inside as I close my eyes just for a minute just  Until I die.






Ligature marks



I am all choked up as I nail with ligature marks From this rope from where I
Climb it heart my heart from deep inside can't help but
feel I have no time I love you I love you is a waste of time He can no
longer talk he finished his climb
bye bye farther we will reunite in just due time











Contemplating life

i don't wanna live this life
so i sit contemplating
this knife its cut just feel
to nice it hurts like the holding of ice
but it feels so nice have you ever tried to take your life
only to wake up on section the same night
my life's alright i'm grateful i'm living and alive i rather die
than live this life it gets so good but then so bad but i cant moan
i don't get mad just upset due to the suicide of my dad
  i think about all the times i spent with my old man the good then the bad
the happy the sad he's happy now for that im glad
but i turn to drink and **** to make me feel better
but you sir i miss like mad











As you tug on each heart string



As you tug on my heart string
Ligature marks from blue ribbon string
why would i sing the lords praise but I cry why i sing his that name
Now I find myself just wondering pondering
How can I be a prince without being a king I guess
I take the thrown and my life begin two seconds is al
I ask let me be 3-4 minute just let me think ......okay just a second till
it all sinks in
Hmmm














I am moving on…. well I am trying

i am moving on but why i still haven’t
cried,
"what’s the point".
it don’t hurt enough
"why oh why".
its still hurt just not enough
"yes oh yes I am crying but,
no more
"am i trying".
There’s no point in tell
myself to start crying
what’s the point in that,
"i guess i would be lying ".











Late at night tears pour from each eye.


late and night i sit there and cry
questioning life what it about why must
i carry on when i cant scream nor shout
why must i fight why can't i leave with out
thinking about why I’d leave behind it or was it your time
that’s why late at night i cry I’d rather live than die than live this lie
my would could have meaning but no my earth dies screaming just just
that’s the way my life  was meant to die.
















Dedicated to tony

tony where do i start you won’t be the first
and you won't be the only
i so glad i me you meet   and you will always know me
i wish i could have been thee so you
didn't feel as lonely  held your hand
and shown you i cared i would never
have left you no matter how scared I was for the moment  
i have for the moments and the laughs
we shared now rest you head there dear pal in till the day
i am there..















Just left to stare

You all look but no one cares see me stood
here alone just left to stare
so many time I could have shared but you just leave me
left to stare
I feel so broken as you convers with you peers
But I am just here left stare
You think I am strange because I have no hair
The chemotherapy leaves me ill lifeless my mum cries every night
She closes the door in fits of tears I know
I feel the same were both just scared
But here I am just left to stare
Will you be my friend and not leave me there
But here I am AGAIN alone
JUST LEFT TO STARE



Death would be my claim to fame

Broken heart revenge apart Bumpy start Empty mind as they say Left behind
without my dads heart Left behind with no dad nor friend o want to cry but
where do I begin never mind there's no problem as I stand out in this rain
I'm okay as I claim but my death will be my claim to fame so I take all my
pills and slit my vein's just to help me on my way




so you are the people


so you are the people that rule the world
locking  up young boys and girls  claiming they ain't well
even though they can see the realness of the  world
empty mind and broken shells
  the evil in this world hides in boys and girl the making of the world
stays in the shells
of the hurt and pain another bullet in another brain
but no one's appealing to their self-worth
because one more person cannot endure the pain of this earth
we all smile but we all bleed the same god speed to you all
another boy another girl every three seconds a life claimed
the government should be appalled let alone ashamed.





Scarecrow three!!

I have no body I could show what I know
I’ve had a few visitors but they would come and go
I have holes in my clothes
No fingers or toes
I just stand here doing the best that I know
The rain would come the leaves would fall then followed by snow
I guess as I just stand here if these seed that were once sown
I guess that me that is me I am just a lonely forgotten propped up
Scarecrow next to a tree.


Warm snow
Let it go
Let it
Go


So rain is but what nothing but warm snow
I look back on the emotions I would not
Show later I guess I would not know how my life could
Change I stood up and took my plate ate what I had a removed
These people that were fake I knew It was my time within mind for the changes  
I would make I so I sit here a different guy no long behind these feeling that I hide
Yeah now I feel I could cry and if the inevitable happened tonight I could smile
And say well you know I tried so long my hidden cries I bid you good night  


Societies anger
so as Tories took control the balance of the debts went up wards on most hospitals shut mental health funds and benefits cut stopped EMA like it was cool now our country’s run by a load of over educated fools what happen to going to school oh yeah you raised the fees like a fool so les education less jobs more immigration why our county’s leaders are a bunch of tools see now the working class suffer and go red with frustration i thought equalities was the foundation of our great nation




So this is England’s story
Run by fat cats that call themselves the Tories
So where do I start probably with the N.H.S cuts so
If you cough or get cut 40 % of wards on the hospitals shut
better hope you don’t need  benefits cause there cut too
unless you have half a head or a knife in the gut
even still the job centres doors are shut
so next its housing soon mud huts the poverty line is more than above
the average so they can eat caviar with their imported cabbage
see I am not activist nor am I a protester but
there using your tax money to sit under as coasters
I don’t mean there all the same but Corbin was ready to change the game
them Mrs may stood up and half the Country’s debt blew up
see I am just the working class guy as a nation
must not suffer in silence for such frustration’s
we need to demand we put our government right
so as I look straight in to my children’s eyes
I’d rather these Tories stood down and hand it to the right guys
you call you selves a party the Tories you made our county look more of a joke than your politic story’s
well done smarty’s
story’s sorry guy I wish you good bye I guess I’ll see you in the job centre line
then you wish you had forgot those cuts when you rely
on tax payers to wipe your butts
let’s see you political education get you out of such ruts.





Suicidal mind

Let me let you in on a thought of mine left out here to stand alone I am empty lonely
Only to be shed no empathy I here you still and I remain empty no way of shedding tears
Because weakness is my enemy I would get out of bed
but the accelerated thoughts in my head
leave   me with no energy I wake up just  feel dead
to go to sleep I sleep just to hear you speak
I remain in a dream alone empty low self-esteem
why do I wake up praying praying pinching it was all but a dream.



Suicide suicide and left behind

suicide is when two world collide
crying eyes bottled up on the inside
lock in a prison of inside your mind
have you ever just sat the for hours and cried
and not know why so you try to hide
wondering for ever pondering on what you would really
leave behind so do not hide do not be shy as
now when i look up my eyes bleed tears from either side so i crying to the
moon
tonight i always said ill e here to wipe your tears from eyes now I am sat
here feeling all left behind


Others that sin

so here’s my candle in the wind
would call god’s name sing his hymns
if i could sing worship if i could believe
there's nothing to say that we cannot achieve
just because we were let down by Adam and eve
i would prey if i could see and did not live in reality
so as i wipe my tears with my sleeve well will see whose
better me you Gary Dave and Steve I am begging do not take me
but it’s my sure invertible time to pack my dreams and leave


The anger inside



I cannot help but to wonder why every time something seems
To right another million things that angry me inside
Rise to the surface and leave me wondering why my mental -state has
Never been right cuts on my body arms left and legs right
I have a scar on my throat that will never turn white
Other people stare and gaze like them never seen a mentally ill person
In such a state people look at you with such anger dislike and hate just because
My body is a state I hope there’s not so many prejudice at the pearly gates.

The mirror in his eyes

see the mirror in your
eyes could hide what has left me feeling left behind
turns out your no protection
of mine still i cry every day i die very day i cannot hide this
awful feeling of being left behind


as I swing from my twisted rope


as i swing from my twisted rope
i can longer grasp upon hope
i hang here no sign of rescue
no sign of hope i hang here
i can hear my self -gasping
as this rope its vice my neck its marking  themes valle
Preview of book
Anubis Sep 2020
My baby brother out on the playground
We made up different games and sounds
And I always loved having you around
Cheered me up when I was feeling down

Never had any hint of you feeling blue
If there was I’d know exactly what to do
Day in and day out it was just me and you
Not only siblings but we’re best friends too

Since you’re gone it doesn’t mean that it’s done
I’ll always remember the laughs and all the fun
The struggle with mental health is finally done
ALAS! Your new journey has finally begun!

& I love you Corbin James,
Best friends bonded through time

Just set sail and enjoy the ride
& I’ll be here waving goodbye...
By Anubis, For Pluto
Anubis Aug 2020
It was Corbin who inspired me to write
And once I began I started to feel alright
Maybe I’ll finally get some sleep tonight
Or instead I’ll begin to endure this fight

The loss of a brother is a hard one to bare
It makes you believe that life isn’t fair
But if you sit and cry you will get nowhere
Instead I’ll decide to climb out of despair

This year had been way too entirely hard
His suicide was out of the psychiatric ward
As a mortician I became the one in charge
To this day I’ll never forget nor disregard

The fight I have in me is endlessly true
I would do the same for them
I would do the same for you
(So let’s all be good people too)
By Anubis
Ryan O'Leary Oct 2020
An ABUS abused in Yale,
Baldwin blamed Russwin
Corbin positioning RR on
the Brink but Assa Abloy
came to the rescue with a
Kwikset and according to
Walter Schlage it had to
be a Mul-T-Lock down,
hence we're now at lever 5.
October seventeenth
nineteen hundred sixty one
and October seventeenth
two thousand twenty four
represents, signals,
and traces sixty three orbitz
completed round the sun.
by one cherished,
(despite lapse of calling,
emailing, or texting),
nevertheless loved,
and prized Earthling
named Shari Todd Harris-Dunning.

More'n half (almost two thirds)
regarding aforementioned existence
of said sibling, whose life linkedin
with spousal enrichment dream academy,
while hunkered temporarily down -
until she and her significant other
embark on another globe trotting stint
livingsocial, in Bend, Oregon,
otherwise known as GADSHILL Farm,
hence the hyphenated married name.

Though said endearing youngest sister
approximately forty five plus months my junior,
ofttimes during earlier mein kampf,
she displayed quasi
maternal (motherly) mien.

Even back during mine boyhood
dark shadows stirred
along the edge of night
(emanating from outer limits
of the twilight zone),
which spooked me to flinch
as did appearance
of the boogeyman induce affright
only exacerbated my delicate mental health
which emotionally punctuated precariousness
within psyche of mine

with disequilibrium ******-social blight
above named sibling
a bonafide unflagging
prairie home fine companion
who made killer powder milk biscuits
even as kids (living in Lake Wobegone)
as children, she more so analogous
to being my Bobbsey Twin, I cite
twilled me in the valley
of love and delight,
with her divine guidance,

an emotional refuge rescued
sought deliverance from anguish
loving succor proffered
peace upon mine body, mind, and soul,
she did immediately expedite
warming cockles of me heart
analogous to affecting, creating,
forging, jumpstarting, offering, and ushering
ideal paradise island temperature
if measured by degrees
balmy fahrenheit 451 (ha)

pointing, revealing, shining,
and training a guiding-light
unafraid to defend diminutive
docile, inordinately meek brother,
when threatened courtesy bullies
that significantly towered over me
below average stature in height
a measly little skinny,
long haired pencil neck geek,
yet zany as Corbin
(very private joke) Bill Thurman's cat,

(when within comfort of home) lad
naively oblivious rebukes
delivered courtesy our mother,
when her second born daughter
a fiercely academic and dynamic student
ever since she set foot in the classroom,
or summoning forth indomitable courage
particularly when she got diagnosed
score of years ago being in the throes
of thalassemia anemia minor,
nevertheless honorably accepted

fallout from infrequent -
at most a small number
of memorable bouts of mischievousness
such as after smoldering marshmallows
damaging the brand new toaster oven
sparked, and kindled outburst
from mommy dearest
figurative tinder, which squabble
escalated in intensity
sparking vehement feud to ignite
loosing volatile verbal exchange

triggering (hyperbole on the way)
The Emergency Alert System
to issue warning
lest clear and present danger
(at 324 Level Road)
recorded in history books
licking flames, overshadowing, rivaling,
and undermining revolution
analogous to spelunker donning jacklight
before trumpeting unexpected goldmine.
which achievement, deportment,
endorsement, and indictment
(more serious than rigging an election)
jump/kickstarts (a divine comedy of errors)
not reason enough
to be deported),
but necessitates more than a facile effort
linkedin to a working knowledge
of familial genetics ofttimes

discovering, revealing, and unearthing
locked up figurative ghosts in the closet,
and/or shocking insights
courtesy vis a vis mapping lineage
of descendents whose deferment
being proactive when deciding
with absolute zero or
very little shadow of a doubt
versus someone analogous

to yours truly (me),
who offtime fumferes concerning
the course of action one will
assertively, decidedly, and proactively take
and keep to their word,
whether the issue in question
rather classed as superficial,
I will iterate after writing
a particular for instance as follows.

When asked (courtesy the missus)
if I ever plan to use the new hair brush
purchased at CVS a short time after
getting substantial lovely locks clipped,
yours truly responded
"when my hair gets long again"
despite promising myself
that donning the guise
of a baby boomer
long haired pencil neck geek
got nipped in the bud,
but subsequently (hypocritically)
explaining to her
the necessity to practice making excuses
lest one forget the delicate art
to thwart due diligence
to maintain irresoluteness.

Whether avoiding taking
figurative bull by the horn stance,
(particularly risky business
if one happens to be
the matador enraging
a monster red eyed bull
by waving red cape
in front of said animal -
analogous to Ke-mo sah-bee)
or evading asking Bill Thurman,
a portly non ambulatory resident
here at Highland Manor,

(whose Tuxedo patterned therapy feline
one of the most common coat colors
for shelter kitties -
a bicolor also called piebald cat  
with white fur combined
with fur of some other colour,
for example, solid black, tabby,
or colour pointed named Corbin
an affectionate loveable kitty,
who administers love bites),
who rightfully owes me five dollars

for asking me to clean his carpet,
but hate to remind said person,
cuz he promised to pay me,
and would rather
he square the marginal debt
(rather than triangulate him
by circling round the issue courtesy the missus)
of his own volition,
and thus resorted
to communicate with him telepathically,
and perchance a whim will prompt him

to leave a voice
and/or text message
gently coaxing poet of Perkiomen Valley (me)
to lend him a helping hand
such as withdrawing cash
from an ATM machine
or whisking boxes away
to be recycled or reused
at Liberty Thrift store or Worthwhile
offering perfect opportunity
to jog his memory nonchalantly.

— The End —