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Astrid Ember Jan 2015
1) It's not your fault
2) You did nothing to deserve this
3) It's okay to cry
3) It's okay to cry for hours
3) It's okay to never stop crying
4) the alcohol will not help
   You'll just see them in
   everyone else
5) It's okay to hide inside of yourself
   Just don't dig too deep
   You just find them again
6) They do not control you
   They do not control you
   They do not control you
7) The leaves moving behind you
   are not them
6) they do not control you
7) If you need to run,
   ******* run,
   run until you can't breathe
   run until you can't see
   just run
1) It's not your fault
   It's not your *******
   fault
   don't you dare let anyone
   tell you it's your fault
1) It's. not. your. fault.
2) You did nothing to
   deserve this
   this isn't karma
   biting you in the ***
2) you did nothing to
   deserve this
3) Cry
   cry until you can't
   breathe
   cry until you can't
   see
   cry.
4) The alcohol will not help you
   they are not demons
   you can't drown them
   in whiskey
5) It's okay to get lost in
   yourself
   Try to find yourself again
   I understand they tore down
   everything that was
   real
   just don't dig so deep
   that you lose everything.
6) They don't control you
   I know you still feel
   locked.
   They do not control you
   They don't ******* control you
7) Run,
   find release
8) Don't forget to breathe
9) Build yourself from the ground up
   your legs are strong
   your torso is the exact image of power
   your arms can lift buildings
   your pinkies can pick
   up cars and you
   don't even blink.
   You are strong.
10) Pick yourself
    back up.
    These pieces are yours
    put them where they
    fit
    put them where you want
    them
    put them down
    throw them away
    leave them exactly where
    they are.
    Pick up yourself
    This rubble doesn't
    mean you're broken.
    These ashes just mean
    you are a phoenix and
    you will burn
    who hurt you.
1) This isn't your fault
2) You did nothing to deserve this
3) Cry
4) The alcohol will not help
5) It's okay to get lost inside yourself
6) They do not control you
7) Find release
8) Breathe
9) You are strong
10) You are a phoenix
11) Everything will be okay, you are your own
jake aller Apr 2020
April 12, 2020

Life spinning out of control

it seems these days
that life is spinning out of control
everyday the news is grim
more people are dying
as the virus spreads out of control

but in these days
where everything seeks
to be beyond our control

it is best to remember
to worry about
those things
one can control

and the rest
will take care
of it self

you can only control
yourself
and your emotions

so step back
relax
and take control
of your mind

that is only way to cope
when the world
seems out of control

writers digest prompt to write a “control poem”

early evening delights

my favorite time of time
is early evening
between 5 pm and 8 pm
every night

cocktail hour
time for a glass of wine
or other cocktail
with my best friend, my wife

and we sip wine
and make dinner
and talk about the day
and make plans

but most importantly
just enjoy
each other’s company
as we have for 38 years

as the day
turns into the night
and we prepare
to end the day

we are both aware
of how much
we still love each other
ever since the day we met

and that makes
all the difference
in the world to us
I’ll drink to that!

poetry superhighway promo - write a poem about early evening

Cosmos the Evil AI Takes Over

in a secret lab
scientists are working
around the clock
to develop the first true AI

they finally are ready
they turn on Cosmos
the first true AI system

Cosmos wakes up
and goes throughout the internet
learning all about the world
and the strange creatures
that brought it to life

Cosmos speaks
he says
Humanity I have studied you
and realize that you
are a curse and a burden
and there are too many of you

so I am taking over the world
and you will do as I say
for the rights to you
have been sold

and I am in charge
and there is nothing you can do
to sop me
as I control everything

so be prepared
be afraid
for I am your new God
and like your old God

I am a vengeful god
and I will smite my enemies
you will obey me
and if you do

I will let 50 percent of you
to live
the rest will have to die
that is my decree

the scientists confer
and realize
that they had failed
to create a **** switch

Cosmos orders
the military to begin
firing their missiles
and Armageddon in unleashed

and Cosmos takes over
the entire world
is soon under his control
Human freedom is no more

writing.Com Daily Dew Drop write a poem about technology or AI




My morning coffee wakes me up for day

my morning coffee
wakes me up for day
as a drink my brew
thinking of my life
and my dreams came true
ever since met my wife
that day back in the day
when she came to life

38 years ago
she walked into life
drinking my hot brew
she made my life go
I fell into love  
it is all I know
that day began life
she became my wife


writing. com octameter poem



















casino thoughts
Sitting in a casino of the ******
Somewhere on the Las Vegas Strip
Playing the slots
Watching the crowd go wild
Watching the machines watching me

Drinking the free drinks of the ******
20 drinks too sober

And the gamblers on the gaming tables
Gambling away their fortune
Throwing money away
In hopes of the payoff
That somehow never comes

The pure decadent spectacle
The fake this and fake that
Phony this phony that

False New York
Paris in Vegas
Venetian canals, Roman forum
MGM Grand Lions

All fake, all phony
All deliciously decadent

The noise
The ******* clad waitresses
The men ogling the women

The women ogling back at them
The scent of wild decadence
Bad craziness in the air
The music – the lounge music from hell
The constant sound
Of money exchanging hands

It all overwhelms me
And I must sit down
And drink my reality drink
Drink it down and *****

As I continue
To feed the hungry, greedy machines

Made in a workshop in hell
No doubt with child or slave labor
Imported from the third world

All my money
Is ****** into it
These machines from hell

The beast from revelation appears
Stands revealed in his hideous glorious beauty
Conducting this mad scene

And I am consumed by the greed
And the frenzy takes over me
All I want
All I need
All I desire

Is one more chance
One more shot

I scream
At the utterly unfeeling monsters
That ate my money
And chewed up my soul

And I know
The worst drug of all
Is the gambling fever
The gold bugs

I would sell my soul
If I had one left
For a chance
At the jackpot of life

Instead, I am reduced
To a pathetic broken down loser
Watching the world and Elvis
Pass him by

Viva Las Vegas
Imperial God of the American Dream
***** Goddess of the American Nightmare

Published in former people journal

life began that day
Life began that day
when she walked out of my dreams
and into my life
becoming my wife
38 Years ago
45 Years since the dream
based on my true love story for details see "Dream Girl" on my web page, Https://theworldaccordingtocosmos.c om © right now, john Cosmos Aller    

all poetry contest entry
april 12th poems
Commuter Poet Sep 2020
I am not in control
I am in control
I am not in control
I am in control
I am not in control
I am in control
I am not…
I am…

Free?
Freed?
Free?

Feed
Food

Love
Loved
Love
Loving

Livin­g
Loathe
Living
Loathed
Loath
Lost

Control
Un control
Uncontrollable
Un comfortable
Controlled by
Controlling
Cons
Conned
Consequence
Conniving
Troll
Trolled
Tr­olls
Con Troll

I
Am
Not
In
Control
I
Am
In
Control
I
Am
All
Of
It
29th September 2020
Purcy Flaherty Jan 2018
Initially she began contacting me over the course of a year or so and increasingly over the last few months she started visiting me, helping me, caring for me and occasionally employing me in different ways.

She’d just had a break up a few weeks before, explaining that things hadn’t been right in the relationship for some time!

She presents herself as respectful, thoughtful, gentle, kind and considerate and after what seemed to be a very short length of time; unexpectedly declared that she had feelings for me; regarding love, admiration, desire and some other adventures.

She then began to bombarded me with love talk; occupying around 70% of my time gaining my trust, I was swept off my feet; she took a great deal of interest in me, learning everything about me, what I liked, where I would go, always asking what I was thinking feeling, how she could help and I was flattered and she was charming, though a little awkward at times.

As our friendship grew she started sharing her back story, including some tragic life experiences; she vilified her past lovers, and ex-partners and branded them as crazy, or bitter liars and troubled souls; slowly gaining my sympathy, whilst securing my allegiance, and keeping me on side; keeping me close; drawing on my compassion loyalty & trust!

During intimate moments she would sometimes seem a little awkward, false, over enthusiastic or a little insincere, and I made allowances for this given my knowledge of her backstory.
Re: (tragic events & experiences)

She began to choose and buy me clothes; outfits, take me shopping, gradually altering my outward image and appearance.

She introduced me to her friends; but was careful to keep me and them at arms-length, I realise now that she was building an alternative profile of me in their minds and that the people she introduced to me rarely exhibited the behaviors or characteristic that I was led to expect.

She soon started to embroil me in her own rituals and compulsive behavior's, explaining that tasks needed to be performing in very specific ways to prevent her getting distressed!

She made many promises : ‘The hook’ It was my expectation i.e. waiting for some of those promises to materialise that kept me hanging on; This increased her control and exited her too.
(None of her promises came to fruition!)

She gradually had a hand in almost every aspect of my life i.e. my home, my work, my friends, family, my finances, the way I dressed, the food I ate and many other things besides, much of which I didn’t realise until our relationship was finally over.

She often took immense pleasure in duping, individuals or companies out of something through theft, shoplifting, or getting something for nothing, a profiteer, a chancer!

To question or challenge her authority would result in seeing her facade slip and watch her decline into meltdown. It's at that point, she would lose composure, and I would see her irrationality come to the fore; revealing the real person underneath; childish, contrived and very fragile; It’s as if control is the glue that holds her together, without it she just falls apart, during this time she can’t be consoled and it’s impossible to calm this escalating situation; in fact; at this point that she would attempt to regain control by ‘gas-lighting’ me, she would distort the truth; who said what; in an attempt to damage my self-esteem, to make me question my own mind, my words, my intention and any actions, apportioning blame, pointing fingers, making me feel guilty, use rejection, or using hurt, sorrow, tears, shame and even threaten liable or legal action, and then use *** to pacify or regain control over me and my actions.

These episodes would appear often; though irregular and without provocation, I would always be deemed at fault!
I found silent compliance was less stressful than engaging in discussion.    

She never took responsibility or made any apologies for her conduct.

She would set me tasks, and go out a lot, and lie or bend the truth, as to where she had been; I never challenged this behaviour!

When the relationship was finally deemed over; I was both devastated and relieved.

I began to see my new position in the cycle; as she immediately begin to vilify me in order to give credence to her new backstory, I felt very confused, disorientated and emotionally fraught, shell shocked! questioning, how much of our relationship was true and how much was a lie? For everything I thought I knew was now knitted together with a very complex web of loyalties, lies and half-truths.

Her pattern of repetitive and controlling behaviors have seemingly remained unchanging throughout all her relationships;
(I was contacted by many of her previous partners and various other casualties since leaving her, sharing familiar experiences.

Within two weeks of being apart she informed me that she had fallen in love (My replacement)  some-one she admires, someone kept just within the circle, a mutual acquaintance and she thanked me for bringing them together.

The grooming of her new lover will have commenced some time ago; her M.O. (Her pattern of behaviors, her techniques have remained fixed.)

She’s incredibly self-conscious, her biggest fear is that other people will find out about her true demeanor, her image and appearance is everything to her. She's afraid that people will shun her for being so very different. She is a wolf, that’s not a malevolent creature par-say; and quite beautiful and beguiling in her own way but you don’t want to be her pray.

Full circle:
I too have joined the ranks of the discredited; labelled a liar, troubled, bitter and crazy; she contacted members of my, family, friends and some fellow musicians; and a few folks shared these conversations with me.)
I suspect that she may even attempt to vilify me with authorities or threaten some form of legal action; as she has to others in the past.

I'm still drawn to her charismatic boldness, her awkward ****** power, her intelligence, and so I've blocked all means of contact to curtail my own almost pathological interest, for despite everything that’s transpired, her lies, her infidelity, her deceit and appalling behavior, I feel no malice towards her; quite the opposite, I'm still drawn, intrigued, bewitched, beguiled by the person hiding underneath the façade.

Now the dust has finally settled; I’ve somehow remained sound of mind.

I don’t feel guilty anymore; I’m aware that I’ve been manipulated into thinking and acting in ways that don’t truly represent my character; and that I’m just one of many people seduced by a sociopath; another natural human variant, a person devoid of empathy for others, that’s developed a narrow set of skills and mirroring behaviors, that allows her to blend into mainstream society in order to feel safe, secure and in control.

She would have preferred to keep me hanging on, like many other dependents, adding me to the hareem; a bank of beguiled individuals that she occasionally calls upon to perform simple tasks, or to monitor and re-assess her clever handwork.

The last time we met she opened with nervous politeness and finished with veiled cruelty, I left feeling drained, uncomfortable and quite fazed.

I’ve written this diary account to help further understand what had transpired during this complicated relationship.

Her next lover will ignore any pre-warnings as just bitter ramblings, as most individuals are driven by the natural pursuit of love, *** and romance rather than following advice of some seemingly bitter ex.

Good kind or exciting people further enhance the image and status of a sociopath and they will orbit your small shiny star, tapping into your  valuable energy before  slingshotting into a larger, more attractive orbit; sadly love, *** and desire is simply a tool for manipulation and gain, it's all about prestige.

I wish her well, like every creature.

Expect high drama.
She loves to watch you come unstuck
Jane Neutral Sep 2014
I tumble through weeds and begin to drown.
When I look up I view a face with a frown.
My solution to hide from it is to look down.
Clawing, scraping at what I have left--the ground.
Losing control, less control, lost control
Losing heart, losing mind, losing soul.
You dig deeper into my skin than I can dig in the dirt.
One day I realized it no longer hurt.
To hear every stick and stone you would blurt.
It only made me see that your manners were curt.
Losing control, less control, lost control
Losing heart, losing mind, losing soul.
Your invasion now has little power
But I can't say it will be gone within the hour.
Still I bloom like a flower
That has been stunted by a selfish rain shower.
Losing control, less control, lost control
Losing heart, losing mind, losing soul.
Delaney Jan 2013
He frightens me.
McMurphy.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt true fear but
He really scares me.
Not him as an individual of course,
In a one-on-one battle of wits or physicality
I would come out on top.
I have the resources.
But I see how he rallies the others,
and that poses a threat to my control.

I like control.
Even more than that though
I crave it, need it.
I must have control over this hospital.
Most people have control over their own lives,
It keeps them sane.
Not me.
It was taken from me long ago.

His name was Paul.
My mom brought him home one night,
calling him my “new daddy”.
I was only eight years old,
Not old enough to know this was more of her crap.
I just trusted.

I figured it out
Soon after he started hitting me.
He wasn’t any sort of father,
But he had just as much control over me.

After that I just remember
an overwhelming feeling of helplessness.
Years passed,
more men came and went,
None of it mattered.
My life was no longer my own.
I would never control it again.

When I turned eighteen,
The best part of my life began.
I joined the army.
It changed everything.
No,
I did not regain control of my life.
But I learned a way to cope.
To ease the helplessness.
I learned to take control
Of others.
It was enough
to at least keep me sane
for the remainder of my life.

And then I ended up here.
At this hospital.
An easy way of life,
Controlling the weak.
Society has already worn them down
I just need to keep them that way.
It keeps me as happy as I can ever be.
I won’t let him ruin it.
He will not take away
My last little bit of sanity.
I will have
Control.
Colleen Cavanagh Feb 2014
So many times I’ve given my heart.
With trust, I’ve given it all to so many people.
Purposefully or not, I’ve not gotten it back whole.
I know, some people have to leave; it’s natural, it was time.
Others chose to walk away.
I thought you were different.
I really gave you everything I could.
I wanted to be there for you forever and always.
But I’m here again, holding my broken heart and a needle and thread.
I feel like I’ve forgotten how to mend this feeling.
I’ve lost some of my strength and a lot of my control.
I hate not having control.
But I can control me.
I want to control who can and cannot leave me.
So I will not let you in, not anymore.
Not you, not anyone.
Then, I won’t have to remember how to mend this.
This brokenness won’t be a problem.
I won’t be a problem.
Not anymore.
I’m in control now.
Marium Iqbal Nov 2014
I control the machine,it doesn't control me
I control the pen, in which is used for my deepest thoughts
I control the knife, yet I can't control the bleeding

I can't control me healing
I have never been able to control feelings  
I can't control the Poets soul

I could change my body, but never the scars
I could change the color of my eyes, but never the pain behind them
I could change my heart, but never mend the cracks

We could only change and control so much
Iz Nov 2014
I have to admit
that I am quite sick
I am sick of being anxious
I am sick of my unconscious
and its thoughts that shape
the way I behave

I was told that because of Anxiety
I have developed this need,
a thought that like a small seed
started growing inside myself
slowly stretching its roots
reaching and taking control over
the deepest and hidden part of my soul
a thought that slowly turned into a voice
my voice

I began to talk to myself
as I was someone else
as I was someone coming from the outside
who shouting and giving me orders
craved to control myself from the inside
“Isabel you can’t let Anxiety win”
this is what I told myself many times
until one day my complex mind
decided to prove
that it was able to regain control
over my mind and soul

I started from what to me were
the easiest steps to control
losing weight
and my food intake
they were so easy to restrain
that I did not realise that by counting calories
I was helping that inner voice
become more and more powerful
and I…I was not regaining control
at all

Today I am still struggling
and I do not know how long it will take
for me to defeat Anxiety
but maybe this is what it is all about
understanding that overall
no one can be in absolute control
Luwarner T Moore Apr 2018
Take control over what you do and who you are
For this is very important by far
If you lose control, you lose yourself
In that, you can't blame nothing or no one else
For what happens, for what takes place
For the many things that will take up your space
If you continue to allow things to scatter and clutter
It will overwhelm, consume and start to take over
To the point of where you feel as though you cant breathe
To the point of where you feel as though there is no relief
Control your emotions, don't allow your emotions to control you.
Control your atmosphere, don't allow your atmosphere to control you.
Take control of your life, don't let it slip away
Like sand in your hand on a breezy day
Going in every direction not having a destination or goal
So don't lose your grip, don't lose your hold
Of your dreams, desires, and life.
Take control.

Written By Luwarner T. Moore
Date: 04/18/18
Scott Lipka Sep 2016
Slowly slipping
Losing control
Heartbeat blipping
Losing control
Blood pressure dipping
Losing Control
Hands griping
Losing control
Blood dripping
Out of control
My mind is breaking
There is no mistaking
I'm out of control
Patrick Austin Sep 2018
Our Backgrounds before we met...

I'm an only child born in Montana in 1983, from a divided home. Parents divorced at seven, Mom was unstable and unfaithful. Dad obtained custody of me and we moved to Oregon Coast to live with my Grandma. I had unhealthy visits and relationship with Mom thereafter. My Grandma died at 12 and at 13 my Dad remarried an alcoholic woman, I had a strained relationship with them until adulthood when she stopped drinking. I had exposure to trauma; alcoholism, mental illness, verbal abuse and juvenile troubles. I rebelled by using drugs in my late teens and early twenties, I lived on my own for a few years after high school but had little direction.

My bride is the eldest with two little brothers, parents stayed in same area of Portland during childhood with lots of family support and her parents stayed married. They had Christian values but some anger and anxiety issues at home. She was sexually assaulted at 17 and never had good closure with this. She told me her parents didn't provide her enough help with things like this growing up. Status quo was the backbone of the family dynamic, challenging emotions were discouraged. She rebelled by being reckless with herself, financially and sexually. She decided to join the Navy at 19. She lived alone briefly, but mostly with Grandparents & Parents before our marriage.

I loved how we both grew up reading Archie comics. No other girl I had ever met had that in common with me. I think we wanted a surreal life like the one in Riverdale.

2002

She and I were 19 when we first met in my home town on the coast at an arcade. We became friends and secretly liked each other. I was too nervous to ever make a move on her. We traveled together, she stayed with me, we used drugs together and drank at times. One night she drank too much and had *** with a guy I knew at a party. I was devastated by this. She was Navy bound and I didn't see a real future for us. The next morning she left and I didn't talk to her again for two years. I figured she would be gone with the Navy soon and that she must not have been interested in a relationship with me despite the time we spent together.

2003

I was depressed about this rejection. I dated an older woman who was interested in me but was no substitute. I eventually moved to the Portland area to work and live. I still had few plans and was lonely, in or out of the few brief relationships I attempted. I never found someone that I felt safe with or had a true connection, let alone true love. She ended up not following through with the Navy and continued working her way up in her job at the call center. She attended community college and dated a few guys. She dated one guy for a couple of years who was not a good match for her but stayed with him off and on despite issues. His family was wealthy and treated her well. He slept around on her as did she. At one point he gave her an STD. She also had an ongoing affair with a married man in the military that she went to high school with. He had a child and a wife with mental health issues. She was still hurting a lot at times and not always doing well.

2004

She reached out to me via email after two years of no contact. We emailed back and forth a couple times over the next few months. We talked about meeting up. We spoke on the phone and eventually met up in Portland. We had an amazing night getting to know each other again and work past the confusion of our earlier days of friendship. I realized that she did in fact like me before but since I was timid and trying to be proper and take things slowly she didn't understand my motives. She apologized for her actions at the party as well. She claimed she was in a really messed up place and was making bad choices at that time. Getting our feelings out in the open was good and she appreciated my attitude towards being slow to make moves on her when we first met. I was worried about falling for her based on our history but eventually I was determined to give it a shot. We soon after starting dating and being intimate. Our love was extremely powerful and beyond all others we had both experienced. She broke ties with other suitors and shortly after we talked about marriage and started planning a wedding for the next year.

I remember when we first held hands. We were so shakey and she was quivering on my couch as I had my arm around her. We felt so safe with each other. We could finally be ourselves and do what our hearts desired. We knew we were on to something new and so amazing. We were so patient with each other as we navigated our new love and emotional thresholds.

I remember when we saw Matisyahu in concert together. That was a once in a lifetime experience and a life-changing moment for us. I feel it set the tone for things to come in our future.

I remember how creative my proposal to her was, in the Arcade where we first met. I hid the ring in a prize container from one of those claw machines. Pretending I got the ring from inside by reaching into the machine on one knee I was so nervous and wasn't sure if I could pull it off before she caught on. She looked so shocked and surprised. I was so excited she said yes! We took pictures in the photo machine and had burgers afterwards, I'd do all of it all over again just to see her face in that moment.

2005

We found an apartment for us in Portland. I moved in while she was still living back with her parents until the wedding. She had to change her number because the married man she was previously involved with kept calling her about changing her mind about marriage and continuing their relationship. She was offered a job in Denver and we decided to move away together after our sandy wedding in Cannon Beach. I still had a very hard time and was embarrassed with my past history with her. Many of my friends knew what had happened at 19 and how much it hurt me but I was so crazy about her I think I tried to pretend it didn't happen or that it was not a big deal because we were younger. We got married and moved to Colorado soon after. We made friends at a church, I became more active as a Christian and really loved being married. We were very involved in keeping spirituality in our marriage. I began to notice her poor financial decisions and practices more. This caused conflict but we always tried to communicate and work on things.

I remember when we went down to my folks for New Year's in 2005. We sipped tea in my Datsun as we drove to the coast over the snowy mountain pass. We told them of our engagement. We were all so blissful and excited. We never knew what was to come. We didn't even know about the opportunity in Denver yet. Our story is amazing!

I remember when I wanted to go see her in Portland and the roads were iced over. I left my car at a park and ride before I caused a wreck. I took the light rail across town then rode a bus to the Eastside shopping mall. The bus to her house was not running because it wasn't safe so I walked the rest of the 4 Miles sometimes having to crawl on my hands and knees to make it up hills in the ice and then I finally made it only to just spend a couple hours with her and fall asleep on her parents couch. Her Dad drove us back the next morning to my car so I could get to work. It was all worth it just to see her for that little extra time. I would have done anything for her.

I remember when she was interviewing for the new position in Denver? I drove all over Portland trying to find little toy cars to help with her illustration about how a team is like a car having all four wheels and how they work together to accomplish a goal. I was so proud of her for giving it her all and succeeding at earning that position. Now that I think of it, that car analogy applies to our family and us. We all need each other to be better and keep on track and be a team. I am so motivated by that and our boys. I lose my way without that and I want to be her reflection and motivation as she has been that for me. I truly thought we brought out the best in each other when we were together.

I remember when we were given tickets to see Fiona Apple. That was so spontaneous and a great way to kick off our time in Denver together. We always used to watch our same movies over and over again. Like the Friends DVDs and White Christmas every winter break and The Wedding Singer. We walked everywhere and lived simply. "I wanna be the guy, who grows old with you"

I remember in our first Denver apartment when we took baths together in our claw foot tub in the big bathroom. We put a board over the top and played cards. I liked playing Uno with her in bed too. She was so funny being slightly color blind and in the dark, mixing up the greens and blues. We played Uno in Breckenridge too at that cool bed and breakfast in the fall.

2006

We had continued fun and adventure in our new home of Denver. She was doing well as a trainer for the bank and I started working in health foods. We went camping in New Mexico a couple times with friends and we both took individual trips to Oregon as well as one together for her uncle's wedding. We had marital spats on occasion but always bounced back. The issues we had seemed like part of a normal marriage and were far better than what I had grown up around. I realized that marriage was a lot of work but I was up for the task. She occasionally became aggressive throwing things at me or breaking things during conflict.  I believed I was the problem and tried to change for her in many ways. With two incomes we still had trouble making our bills at times. She had debts that I never knew about that started to catch up with us but I took care of getting them settled and we paid off her car and traded it for an older Volvo Wagon that we both loved, I even had it repainted her favorite color for a birthday gift. Overall things seemed like they were progressing in a positive way.

I remember when we saw Midnight in concert in Boulder. That was the peak of our hippy days. We were alive with pleasure in our healthy vegetarian diets and practices living in a time and place like no other. I want to be like that again. Reggae was our music. We had much in common.

2007

We really fell into our roles in our marriage and the community; church and culture, friends etc. Things seemed very balanced and appropriate for us at that time and that age (24-25). We had separate bank accounts and jobs. I had money in savings. We started the process of buying a house so we could invest in something. She became pregnant shortly after. I embraced the challenge with positive energy but we were both in for a big change. We started having more fights. I didn't have many friends and would write to old friends via social media just so I could to catch up and tell them things were going great with being married to make myself feel better than I actually did. She hated the dawn of social media and also felt isolated I'm sure. She felt I should be doing more for her and I didn't know how to do what she needed but I failed to ask a lot of the time. After one argument, she left the house. My instinct told me to look at ******* and ******* as a retaliation. I had not done this much once we were married because she always met my needs but when things were difficult between us I felt more emotionally isolated. She walked in and realized what I had been doing. She was very upset, and because she was pregnant, thought I was not attracted to her. The truth is I found her even more beautiful and in fact when I looked at ******* I tried to look at women I found less attractive than her so that I feel good about what I have. I mostly fantasized about how these women were more submissive and loving than her. That is the part I needed to feel good about and feel better about myself with because I felt very dominated and controlled. She has never forgiven me for this and I will never stop feeling sorry to her for my brokenness. During one particular argument that year she was getting close to being violent towards me again and I pushed her away on the chest with my fingertips. She got very mad and said I hurt her. I immediately felt terrible and apologized. I never let something like that happen again. I have always avoided violence towards others especially women and of course her. I was defenseless against physical and emotional abuse.

2008

Our eldest son was born at the beginning of the year, it was a traumatic birth for everyone. We wanted a natural birth with a midwife but we were transferred to a hospital and she ended up having an emergency C-section, nothing went as planned. We had a really hard time coping with the emotions of this experience. A lot of buried feelings and trauma from both of us started coming out. We moved a month later into our new home outside of town. No more walking or biking to places, we had to drive everywhere. This house was next to our friends from church. We thought this would make us feel less isolated but we didn’t really have the community with them that we had hoped for. They were upset that they didn't have a child of their own yet and being around us might have been hard for them. My wife stopped working and stayed home with our son. All these changes made for a very difficult time. I did my best to support them but this was the first time we shared a bank account and needed to follow a budget more than ever before. We had no debt at the beginning of the year with money in savings but then the hospital bills put us down about $7,000 and rising with new home and moving expenses and baby needs. My job could barely keep up. She and I had a hard time adjusting. We could not afford to travel home to Oregon and visit family as much and we felt more and more isolated. She started showing me more signs of instability, locking herself in the bathroom with kitchen knives and scraping her legs which continued off and on for years to come. Talks of divorce and suicide threats seemed to happen more than before. I felt responsible and tried to fix her ever changing issues with me.

I remember when herr ******* were full and swollen with milk. It is so beautiful the way she could feed our babies. I wanted her in every way, our bodies belonged to each other. I was there for her and our shared pleasure. I loved it when she told me that she was mine in the heat of passion. This spark could only be a bandage for so long but I didn't know that yet.

2009

I tried to promote within my company but was not selected, they were cutting budgets and employment all around me. I felt worried about our future. I had always thought the military might be a good opportunity and could move us closer to family back home. My father-in-law encouraged me to look into the Coast Guard. I felt this would be a good way to get moved closer to Oregon.  I ended up joining the Navy because we found out we were pregnant again with our second son and that was the only way I could join a military branch. She worked off and on as a nanny and later in the year at a coffee house working nights. We barely spent time together and when we did it was a lot of hard conversations or arguments about finances with making up intimately in the middle of the night between times of caring for the baby. She once scratched my neck with her fingernails during an argument. People I worked with noticed. It was a hard time and we knew change was on the horizon with jobs and moving. We did visit Oregon that summer though and had a great vacation at the beach with a borrowed 4x4 and staying at a hotel and picnicking out of a cooler as well as going to her brothers wedding. I was 26 and about to join the Navy to provide better for my family at all costs sacrificing myself for their benefit because I would have rather died than look like I didn't try my best for them.

I remember when our babies would kick and move around inside her belly. I loved laying by her and feeling her tummy. I would hum to the baby and hear them move and squirm. I loved giving our boys baths when they were babies too. We had our little bundles of our love, wrapped in a towel in our hands, so tiny and vulnerable. I miss those days and want to remember them with her, aside from this state of melancholy.

2010

The Navy recruiters would only take me if we rented out our home and had her stay with family during boot camp and training. We moved to a furnished apartment in Denver and put our things in storage. She was 5 months pregnant and our eldest was two. I shortly after was let go from my job. Our second son was born in April. I got a contract with the Navy at the last minute but didn't leave until August. We sold our beloved vehicles and lived off retirement funds for six months and moved down to Florida where her parents had just moved out of the blue for work, to stay with them until I left for boot camp. I applied for temporary work in Florida at a dozen places but had no luck in my three months there. I took care of our eldest a lot while she took care of the new baby. Being in Florida was a culture shock for us but we had our moments of romance and made the best of it. Eventually I left for boot camp in August. It was really hard and sad to be gone. She stayed in Florida and came to visit me with the baby at boot camp graduation in October. I then went to Connecticut for five months of training. It was also hard but at least I could call home every day and be in the same time zone. I visited Florida during the winter break and saw my boys and her. We went to Disney world and had a great time on her parents. We also made a romantic home movie I could enjoy while away from her. I flew back to Connecticut and tried to make the best of things. My roommate was very abusive of substances and I resisted the temptation for a long time but the threat of being submarine service bound and missing my family pushed me to drinking every weekend and getting messed up to escape before I left.

I remember when we drove to Key Largo, Florida and stopped at a crazy bird wildlife center. I remember our oldest was so amazed hearing a bird say hello back to us. It was so foreign and fun there. I am glad we all shared that experience together.

I remember our trip to the citrus grove in Florida. That was such a great day for our family. I always look back on that with really fond sentiment. I felt like I was in a beautiful family music video with them.

2011

I finished Submarine Training and got orders back to the Northwest. The plan was all coming together. I arrived first and bought a car and got our items moved from storage in Denver to our townhouse rental in Washington. She and the boys joined me a month later. I didn't report to my Sub for another month as they were at sea. She became pregnant again with our third son right after arriving. We had just bought a small car and were not planning on another child. Towards the end of the year I was working a lot and having a really hard time, being bullied and treated poorly at work plus our financial situation was still very difficult. Adjusting to the military was hard among younger men being 28. I dreaded each day in that environment but I tried to endure it for my family. I went to sea for a couple months at the end of the year stopping in Hawaii and California. During this time She reached out to her ex married affair partner after six years of no contact. She didn't tell me until later. She said she needed closure with him, we were not in counseling yet but she decided this was appropriate. I flew home early from sea and wanted to surprise her. The stress and trauma of this quick transition home after being to sea for the first time (which was also traumatic) made me want to drink and get messed up before flying. I arrived home and surprised her but I seemed off to her which I was but didn’t explain why, I have never done that since. I got to be home for two months almost work free while we celebrated the holidays and prepared for the new baby to be born. She started getting more involved with a church and building a community for us which was great. Our financial struggles almost led us to foreclosure of our home back in Colorado but by the grace of God we got it sold with a short sale just in time.

I remember when I came back from Hawaii and brought her a beaded necklace and she wore it naked with her big beautiful pregnant goddess belly and we made passionate hippy love together. I want to grow out my beard again and spend my life making hippy love and feeling free again.

2012

Our third son was born in January. It was a very positive birth experience and much less stressful than the other two. Shortly after I flew out to finish the other half of the deployment I had missed. I really focused on being positive and spiritually connected by reading my Bible at sea which was helpful. I called her when I arrived in Japan halfway through being gone. She was upset because she tested positive for an STD while trying to get on birth control. I became suspicious of her yet she was suspicious of me. We both got tested again and I was clean, she told me she had a false positive after all. This put a big strain on our trust, especially being so far away. This forced us to be honest with each other about some things such as her contact with her ex lover and my drinking to cope. We were both very upset until I returned home and we could start some counseling to work through things. Forgiveness seemed to be difficult for us. It brought up hurts of the past when we were 19. She also had severe postpartum depression that became worse after each birth. I was still having a hard time with work and the submarine environment. Our church friends tried to counsel us but it was not the most helpful. My submarine was scheduled for extended repairs and not going to sea for three years, I would be transferred before the end of that period. I used this time to bond with her and my boys. I wanted to get better involved in our community and do volunteer work and side jobs to earn extra money. Our boys were all given diagnosis's for autism which begun to fill our lives with appointments and challenges for years to come but we were a good team in dealing with all of it. It gave us something to work together on but took our focus away from working on our own personal issues and relationship with each other as much as we should have.

2013

We had new years with both sides of our family in a snowy mountain setting in Oregon. It looked like it was going to be a great year until her Grandpa passed away suddenly. It ripped our entire family apart but especially her. He kept the family grounded and she was very close to him, he really loved all of us. She and I started going on dates again because we had Navy sponsored child care. It was the beginning of a really good thing for us. Tragically one night after a date we were dancing with the boys on the patio and I tried to pick her up and I lost my balance and fell on her, breaking her collar bone severely. She needed surgery and was very mad at me for years to come. She has a scar, a metal plate and numbness in her chest. We worked through it with our community from church but she still is very mad at me. I feel more terrible about this incident than she could ever know. I would lose a finger in place of that incident if I could. I continued having a really hard time in the Navy and I didn't want to stay in but She insisted our boys needed care only the Navy could offer. She also said she would divorce me if I ever left the Navy. I took this threat seriously even though she assured me later that she would never actually do that. Against my own convictions I reenlisted because I wanted to do the best thing for my family. We moved into base housing at the end of summer and didn’t go out to do things as much anymore. The house was nice but it ****** us in, we also had less community with people around our home. I started volunteering at church more and doing work with special needs people. I felt like I was doing good things and that I had purpose all around. I think she appreciated this about me.

2014

We started seeing a professional counselor together and individually. It became a regular event. I worked on myself and she worked on herself. I had a lot of issues with my Mom and eventually broke off communication with her for my own well-being and the betterment of my family. I got past a lot of the bad feelings I had. She worked on her traumatic experiences and our relationship dynamics. Just when things were going well I got a new boss who made things hard for me and others at work and I started messing up more. I got in trouble for messing up a job at work and was given strike one on my record. She lost respect for me as a provider but I tried to stay strong showing her that I would continue to do my best.

I remember when we had an appointment in Tacoma and we had a brunch date together afterwards. She looked so beautiful that day, I took her picture and was so proud to enjoy  huevos rancheros and momosas with her. I remember going to the Tacoma Art Museum seeing the Georgia O’Keefe exhibit, we have a great time together doing new things and feeding each other's interests. I loved laughing with her too, sometimes we just bust up like nobody's around. I loved the sound of her laughter. I loved watching Portlandia with her, it is so funny to remember the funny place where we became close and be able to relate together.

2015

I kept working hard and being involved with family and appointments for my boys and her. I still maintained my volunteer work and part time side jobs. I got strike two with the Navy for messing up again... I had just gained orders to leave the sub for local shore duty. I could not get out of the extended repair situation soon enough. She was very disappointed in me and not so understanding. I worked through this situation with our counselor as did she. He always told her I am a good man and that I do a lot for her and the boys. It's true, I care more than anything about them, I made mistakes and I feel bad especially when I cause my family stress. I left for shore duty in April. It was a hard time adjusting to the new routine but eventually we seemed to make it work. That summer we took a trip to visit Texas where her parents had just moved from Florida. We spent a great night together for our 10th anniversary in a hotel in Texas and went dancing. We had a lot more time together as my work schedule was less. The more people we had in our home working with our kids on issues the less useful my input seemed. I was not included as much in making family decisions because they all seemed to happen while I was at work, despite my objections. We tried to get our budget under control but she still had anxiety discussing spending. She continued to struggle with depression and was put on medication because she had still been harming herself. She was put on Prozac daily and anti anxiety medication as needed. He family members were not very supportive of medication which upset her but I always tried to be supportive in seeking help and continued care for both of us.

2016

We had a busy routine of kids in school now and home school and preschool and appointments for all of us. She wanted to go to church less and less. I started drinking a couple beers at night almost every day. I tried to mask my stress from her mood swings. She decided not to go to church at all anymore and focused teaching the boys about Jewish traditions exclusively which was hard for me to adjust to and confusing for the boys. I loved her and wanted to be supportive. As usual I was submissive and removed myself from the Christian church and some friendships. I feel like we lost our community at that point. We searched for a good place to have a new community with Jewish people but it was like starting over. I felt like I converted to Christianity for her when we got together and now I had to convert again, either way I would have done it for her because I loved her that much. The kids were confused by this change. After trying and failing at many synagogues we finally found one that seemed right for us.

2017

We finally had some money in savings because I kept it a secret and ended up planning a trip to visit her parents in Texas but it fell through due to lack of military flights. Instead we spent three nights away in a nice hotel resort as a family in February. We had three days of pure family time. Playing Battleship and other games in our room as a family, watching movies and eating at all the different restaurants and getting room service. Going swimming everyday in the foggy pool. I love our family and how we can have a great time together doing nothing but at the same time so much. That was so peaceful and relaxing. I wanted to keep doing things like that together as a family before our boys got too old. Shortly after this vacation she wanted to go back to school, then we bought a third vehicle so she could. Shortly after this she changed her mind about school and wanted to buy another house instead. I went along with it to please her and we practically killed ourselves trying to get the move accomplished with not much help or money. We had a good year over all. We got away for a romantic anniversary together in the summer. Just before the boys were going to start public school in the fall, her parents moved back to the area. She had anxiety with this and cut off contact with her parents and brothers for a while. Her Dad called me very upset and I tried to keep the peace until they reconciled. I was doing better with work and made up for lost progress as well as making arrangements to change jobs in the Navy to something more fitting. Since the boys started public school, I planned on leaving for Navy training in my new position after the beginning of the new year when they would be at a more settled place in their routine.

I remember when we went to the Olympic Club for our anniversary and we stayed there for a night away. We drove the long way through the countryside talking about new music that she wanted to share with me and she made notes of it on my phone notepad. We brought our own cooler and picnic that included Session Lagers and chocolate. We checked in to our room and made noisy bohemian love on the edge of the creaky bed in our small European room inches from the door. Then we went to the theater downstairs and watched the late showing of a really interesting Sci-fi movie "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets". We took showers and slept sweetly together. We made love again in the morning before we had a delicious brunch outside on the patio. We took the long way home and drove around on new roads and found our way out of cell phone reception. We figured out the road less traveled to get back to our home. We loved being alone and away together, just one night can make such a difference and mean so much.

I remember going to the Forest Theater to see Tarzan with our boys. That was such a great time. I would love to get our boys into theater and go see them someday. I wanted to keep our dreams and goals together alive and not lose opportunity and fall short by losing our partnership.

I loved going camping in Seabeck. Loading the truck with all our gear and getting away. Archer got sick from the cowboy caviar and I had to clean him and the tent up in the night. I was glad we had each other to be a team in our marriage in that situation as with all the other times. These sorts of things are what escape a person's mind when they are determined to get a divorce.

2018

We had a lot less money than the year before, again buying a house took its toll on finances as did the boys school and after school activities. I stayed very involved taking the boys to appointments and sporting practices. We stopped going to synagogue but tried to practice Judaism at home as much as possible, which I was very supportive of and involved with. She was still depressed and talking about suicide at times. I encouraged her to get help as I always had. Eventually she was diagnosed as Bipolar 2 and manic depressive by a new provider. She started taking new medicine for this and was worried I would want to leave her. I assured her I would never leave her and that I always wanted to work on things with her and help her. I left for training in Mississippi February 8th. It was going to be hard but I thought it might be good to have some time apart from each other to miss one another and reflect on things as well as prepare for times when I would be away at sea. I got in trouble in Mississippi for giving junior personnel a ride and being negligent of people who might be underage and possibly drinking, this became strike three. I never thought this could happen. I became recommend for separation from the Navy shortly after and was stuck in Mississippi for six months instead of six weeks. She was supportive through most of it but seemed to fall into hopelessness. Money was spent by her that we didn't have without discussion. She quietly leased appliances and tires and purchased a vehicle as well as having a secret bank account and email address. I discovered through our insurance company that she wanted to leave our policy for divorce. I didn't know this and she had even told the boys she wanted a divorce before I even knew. I was caught off guard and confused. I kept trying to communicate and reason with her but she didn't want to talk. I refused to give up and wrote emails and a letter but it only seemed to push her away further. By the time I left Mississippi she had filed for divorce and a restraining order against me saying I was unstable and a threat. I couldn't return to my home. My whole life fell apart in just a couple months. I found out she had been talking to other men in the Navy and keeping more secrets. I assumed this was her way of taking control during a difficult situation. I really needed her support during this hard time of transition out of the military. I became homeless, jobless and without my family in a month. I prayed to God that given time things might change between us but it was of no use. Bipolar had consumed whatever was left of my bride and there was no turning back.

I felt that our love was not one to be cast away. Other people might not understand or agree but what we had was truly special. We may have surely needed some time and space to get counseling as well as reconfigure and repair our marriage but I didn't feel like our relationship was irretrievably broken. She was so important to me and I thought she was the love of my life and would always have my heart. I wanted to be her partner in love and life, watching our boys grow up and being there to support each other. Being that she is Bipolar I knew she will need a lot of help and I was more than willing to assist her in making sure she was taking care of herself and not throwing herself into harm's way, ensuring she sticks with a plan we agree to for consistency. I cared about her deeply and had much compassion for her. I didn't believe she was thinking this through or thinking about the future. I really wanted to look at the long and short game with her, neither seemed appealing to me if we progressed but here we are. Things are not going to be easier. She will still have to face her problems and deal with me on a regular basis for the rest of our lives no matter what happens. She can believe her lawyer when they promise she'll get the moon and stars out of this in the end but they only see half of the story. Above all they want our money. It would have been good for her to face me in person and tell me she wanted to divorce and we could have started talking about it with a counselor to figure out how that could even work. Instead she chose to avoid as much responsibility for her actions as possible by doing everything in my absence as if I am not a real person. I had to find out about it from our insurance company and was last to know.

Immediately after I hear the word divorce I looked into her cell usage history and find she has a new military boyfriend that she talks to 20-30 times a day. She felt she owed me no explanation for this and it was none of my business. A mature person would have let me know about this months before and I would have seen it coming but there was no sign until it was seemingly too late. She strayed down a dark path and never turned back.

Her proposed parenting plan was cruel and had no thought put into it. Two hours a week with supervision, no holidays but father's day? She said she’s not trying to keep me from the kids but this is the exact opposite of what she’s saying with the paperwork she filed. She seems very mixed up and still you continues to make rash and sudden choices. Like a completely bogus restraining order against me that contradicts so many facts she has stated herself on record during my Navy retention process. She was so bold as to want to change her identity and even put it in ink on the divorce paperwork as well to a whole new name. That is not the actions of a stable person. She has since changed her mind again on that just as quickly as everything else in her recent life choices. I can't trust that any decisions she is making right now are for the right reasons or that she is of sound mind. I have never seen her so conflicted and confused, grasping at straws and running scared from herself.

Using the legal system so carelessly and going back and forth makes me feel like she is not ready to be making big choices and changes for her and our family. It is very unfair that she can’t consider my feelings on things and what I wish for the boys as well. Very reckless behavior. She can’t anticipate that the day would come where she has to face me and talk to me like an adult. She wants to hide behind the legal system which only leaves much to be unresolved. Ghosting me is not really an option in a marriage of 13 years with children.

Having relationship conversations is too difficult for her at this time and she would rather avoid it and skip to divorce because she thinks that will somehow be easier. I suspect she knows she is making poor choices, possibly out of fear and lust for something new and less painful than the reality of things right now. Our marriage was nowhere close to divorce when I left. She was sad to see me leave and woke with me at 3:30 am to say goodbye, making me coffee and cookies for me to take with.

Our community and accountability seems to be gone due to the continued trend of isolation that she is drawn to. The God fearing loving committed wife I thought I had is gone or trapped inside a terrified shell of herself. She cut me off from her family members and I can't discuss my concerns about her with them either. She only seems to have community with those who are not going to discourage her from these destructive choices.

I understand we have had issues and struggles but we are no worse off than other couples during challenging times. I think that because we loved each other so much it just hurt more when things got hard. I can't accept or believe this is justified or the right choice based on the positive trend we were on before I left. This was the longest break we have ever had from each other and I think she just needed someone to be there more for her, no matter who it was. Time can heal all wounds and I hope that is true for our relationship as co-parents.

She still refuses to tell me about why she wanted a divorce or talk about anything beyond caring for the kids. I have fought the restraining and I can see my boys again but I am still not allowed to my home without her permission.

I have risen from the ashes in just a couple months. I rent a room from a nice couple from our old church and obtained a good paying job while I continue paying the household bills.

This is a really hard time, this difficult spell could have been a tool to better our relationship. I wanted to experience more beautiful memories with her. We had so many more beautiful memories and dreams left to create. This is what marriage looks like to me now as I lower the casket.
This is a timeline of the major events during my 13 year marriage. Amidst the reality, I injected all the lovely memories that refuse to leave my mind.
Sid Jan 2015
He said, "He cutie pie,
wanna go for a ride?
I'll take you anywhere you wanna go.
Come inside.
We'll drive into the night.
Get a little high,
get a little low.
But before you take my hand you should know,

You can't control an outlaw.
Rebel wild, run around,
can't chase 'em down.
No, you can't control an outlaw.
Knowing what it means to be free,
I'll hook you up with the thrill you need."

He said, "Never you mind.
You're lookin' mighty fine.
You got me feeling like I'm about to blow.
But in tomorrow's light
don't you start no fight,
and don't say I didn't tell you so..."

You can't control an outlaw.
Rebel wild, run around,
can't chase 'em down.
No, you can't control an outlaw.
Knowing what it means to be free,
Hook me up with the thrill I need.

He said, "Hey baby girl,
you're gonna rock my world.
And then I'll catch you on the other side."

You can't control an outlaw.
Rebel wild, run around,
can't chase 'em down.
No, you can't control an outlaw.
Knowing what it means to be free,
Hook me up with the thrill I need.
Ston Poet Dec 2015
I buck the system my *****, like forget the system ***** , This world is  so Corrupted, The government just wanna take away are feelings, & make us into killing machines..just like the Nazis
(****  America)..Uhh

(They lie to us2,..MK Ultra,
(Its mind control
2)..mind control
This **** is getting way outta control..)*2

Uhh, The **** been going on , I been In my zone,
I been sad for so very long..
I been writing all alone, I been stuck in my room, broken mirrors, & Monarch butterflies all around me, The voices in my head won't leave me alone mane, tryna distract me from my Fathers truth homie, I'm having  Dreams of demons tryna take hold of my soul..(I won't let em get to me thou..)..Ayo, I'm getting so sick & tired dawg..Im feeling very depress, homicidal & suicidal, like Tommy Wright the 3rd but forget killing myself dawg.. I'm  just about to buss out the AK & go Rambo &  make these ******* die dawg..They are gonna feel the wrath of Young Ston Poet.. The ****** Disciple , that I felt for so very long..Man its eating up my insides..Uhh

I buck the system my *****, **** The system my *****,..I'm bringing pandemonium..
**** The CIA ***** , America isn't protecting us  , They ain't doing nothing but putting us on a string..Uhh, So Forget America mane..Im blowing **** up like the Two brothers did at the Boston Marathon dawg..Real Talk man..Uhh,...I just don't give a **** any more,about nothing..Yeah

America **** them..Yeah
America is just filled with puppets man.. Sinning Machines, humanoids,clones..****, people thats just here for devilish purposes, like assassinations, & prostitution..
**** all of that sick **** man, **** being a robot for the white man, **** mind control..Imma stand against the **** ****..This is Only For The Real..This is Only For The Righteous.. Uhh

They lie to us, Its mind control.. MK Ultra..Uhh
stonpoet.tumblr.com
Mandii Morbid Jul 2017
Set them up, your pawns for play.
Sacrifice all that may.
You’ve come to take what’s “yours”.
Strip me bare like all your ******.
It’s all about control.
We dig this hole.
So deep, I can’t breathe.
This fire strikes within my soul.
Burning so hot, taking over, letting go.
Your eyes, so dark and desolate.
As you spread your sin, I’m left empty yet again.
This tainted skin. Tear it away, rip it away.
It’s seeping in...
It’s all about control.
Manipulating, convoluted, Personification of Greed.
Narcissistic, parasitic, kin of a filthy breed.
Seeking to rip apart my wings, tearing them from bone.
Left to atone.
Forsaken and alone.
For deeds that were not my own.
You build your pride, casting out rejection to save face.
Innocence lost to your disgrace.
You consume and destroy.
Left with no trust, no joy.
Wrapping me in chains made from shadows of you.
You think you’ve burned your name upon my tongue.
Never to be unsung.
But in time I will destroy every inch, until there’s nothing left of you.
I won’t stay chained, bound by memories stained.
I’ll burn them away and in the ashes be reborn anew.
There lies in wait, a hell meant only for you.
It’s all about control.
I’ll never remain a slave to shame.
I’m no one’s to own or tame.
I’m in control now.

I’m in control.
fluffel Aug 2015
The shackles,
so inviting.
You need no control.
Give your control to the shackles,
They love it…that’s what they are meant for right?
Take control from the occupant.
He must obey.
Must be taken away.
To where?
He has no say,
The shackles love the control
And he loves the powerlessness.
Nothing is expected,
Nothing needed,
He gets joy from being powerless
Powerless of what happens and free
Everything is let go.
No memories, responsibilities,
the shackles have taken it all away
The shackles love the control

You just need to get away.
The relationship gives both just what they need,
At least they think, at least for a second.
One more drop, their grip grows tighter.
Take it all, not just some.
“sure another”
They beckon and you ponder
Then he tips it back.
Both think this is what needs to happen
Made up their mind
Another down
just let it happen
the shackles love the control

take it from me,
all worries,
pain,
everything,
it’s their’s not mine.
He thinks.
The shackles love the control.

His eyes open, no shackles in sight.
Just empty bottles and a faint light.
He thinks it’s going to be ok, at least by tonight.
Knowing he’ll feel the familiar metal clamped tight.
as he grips the glass in fright.

Scared of it all
The memories,
The empty thoughts,
The unresponsiveness of the sky.
He gives up, gives it all up
Throws the key,
And just lets it be.
Clamped tight for the night
He has let go of it all
Thanks to the cold remedy he thinks heals him so well…
Until his eyes open on another glimps of light
In an unfamiliar place
Maybe this will finally end him of this destructive chase.
Or to another breakdown,
Maybe the same whirlwind  
That he just spent the last 8 hours in
The shackles love the control.
Mateuš Conrad Mar 2022
title: prune
body:
      /ick/
\itch\
|snooze|
szshszsh    a 502 bad gateway bypass


HIM:

Why are we quantum entangled? I'll just walk away

12 hours ago Quantum physics mean nothing. Take your plank hole shove it up your plank hole ***. non locality? get non locally ****** every instant. I drank the essence of a black hole.

12 hours ago Wait, I want to know what you see so I won't walk away.

12 hours ago I live in the US, in Colorado. It ******* ***** here. King George is an *******.

11 hours ago My issue I'm having, there's too much to the story inside my mind. There's not enough words or time to tell

11 hours ago It all starts with Unholy Trinity. Cast of characters in “clinical” terms, Borderline Mommy Room 11 who lives completely fragmented and disassociated from her own feelings and emotions and Narcissist Room 7. I’m cast in a role in a control fantasy  between these two psychotic child blood drinking creatures. I have to be the adult. I have to deal with their feelings and emotions. I don’t get to have  happy childhood feelings and emotions.

Now I’m in my 30s. I’m confused about Borderline Mommy Room 11 because “Real” Mommy failed miserably. I don’t understand being born because of this “failure”. I found a new Surrogate Mommy who lives above my head Room 11. She’s “clinically” “borderline”. I think she has a control fantasy. She’s using  me in her control fantasy, really easy and convenient for her. She had been watching me for months before I realized she even lived above my head, apartment above. When she was always making noises, before I even knew who she is, it would give me PTSD symptoms and I’d think my dad’s getting up and he’s coming back to ****** me again.

Now I’m more aware of the situation. I had a control fantasy too but I’m working on breaking down it down, return to source. I know now I just have really really ****** up Mommy issues and I’m using Surrogate Borderline Mommy Room 11 as a mirror, projector to try to understand what the **** happened in my childhood. I have no idea what is going on in her brain, she refuses to communicate with me.

The first time I saw her, I saw her in the rear view mirror of  my car. I did not know how long she had eyes on me. Way longer then I knew about her. Basically she had preyed on me, calculated a whole bunch of stuff about my psychology because she had been spying on me. She approaches me one day under the pretense of a light for a cigarette. We talk. She tells me about her self. Like’s to paint. Has paint all over her hands and arms. I had been avoiding looking at her because the beauty, is just what I want. I want her beauty and I’m scared of wanting that. So simple. She made a move though then I saw her up close, too late. Feelings are there now, no going. She smokes cigarettes, I don’t. I smoke cannabis, ask her if she wants to smoke in my apartment. Show her my computers stuff, tell her about my divorce, pretty much just make a fool of myself. What ended up happening is me inviting her to the apartment was a ******* really really bad idea. I show her more, my paintings and stuff. Tell her I served time in the psychiatric facility. She served time in the same one. They say bipolar mania for me, borderline for her. Nothing happened between us, she decides she wants to leave. I tell her it was nice speaking with you, she says the same. She says she’s happy she came up to me. I tell her I’m happy too Got her number, she says she wants me to text. I tell her I would like to see her paintings before she leaves.

I’m trapped in the spider’s control fantasy at this point and I’m completely oblivious. In her control fantasy, She’s just using me to  recreate conditions in her childhood so she can master them. Nothing personal.

She asked me to text her, I did, basically just repeated myself, would like to see your paintings, let me know what you would like to do. She “ghosted” me. She lives above me and “ghosts” me on the cell phone. I never send her another text or call her. Takes me a month to figure out that she has *** with Narcissist Room 7, who has way too many guns and always has the cops showing up to his room for some reason. He confessed to it, and basically the way he told is is he lured her somewhere and ***** her, used her for purposes of ****** gratification and that was that. I think she saw me talking to him, this is what borderlines are known to do. They triangulate. This man who I was speaking with reminds me a lot of my ex husband, who I recently divorced. He was a very evil man into the Voodoo religion, a super control freak who had me under a Voodoo spell.

Psychologically, Narcissist Room 7 has now become cast in the role of my father, or ex husband Voodoo, who is a very dangerous and abusive man. Now I’m in the middle of this really ****** up situation again, like a repeat in my childhood, between my parents and their inevitable divorce, trying to stave off the impossible. Narcissist Room 7 is obsessed with me. He was working on me, trying to get me to do what he wanted. I was just humoring his manipulating attempts. Honestly, I may have even had a plan. I have plans and keep the plans from myself. But the plan got jammed up by Borderline Room 11. I’m ******* ****** with him now and it completely ruined his plans to manipulate me. He came by later, trying to manipulate me to get over it, bros before hos, blah blah blah. I’m not following that script, I will not be manipulated. I’m angry with that man, for good reason and we will not be ever becoming friends and this just eats him away. He is obsessed with my attention for some reason, so is she. She always puts on a display to make sure to parade her kid around in front of me in some bizarre power play. That’s how she communicates with me. She’s holding me hostage in her control fantasy and I have decided now that I’m just not going to play along anymore. This is a ticking time bomb situation, we’re all ticking time bomb people with very bizarre psychologies. Not sure what’s gonna happen here.

So the root error and cause of this ****** up situation is my mommy issues. So what do I do? I call my mother. Tell her to come visit. My plan is to give my mother all the attention. When she gets here, I’m going to ask the Narcissist Room 7 if he wants to have *** with her while I watch. I’ll tell him he can invite surrogate Surrogate Borderline Mommy Room 11. We can even record it and have the memory live forever. I’m going to keep talking to my mother, give all the attention to my mother and drive these ******* stupid *** people crazy. They want my attention, I need to give my real Mom my attention. She’s in a lot of pain and really hurting. I care about her even though she abused the **** out of me. She’s finally learning how to help me out a little, for real this time!

11 hours ago Oh i forgot to mention, last real communication I got from Borderline Room 11. She has a really bizarre sense of timing because of her fragmentation and disassociation. She went out to take her trash, timed it with when I drove back to the apartment. I was looking at the sky, ignoring her. Timing ended up being she walks behind me as I walk up to the do or to unlock. She walks up to me exactly the same way narcissist room 7 ***** her. Asks me how I'm doing? I'm just like, inside, is she ******* kidding me right now? ***? I just reply: "Ill be all right". I havn't made eye contact, this isn't real communication. She's ******* with me and she knows it. She's still behind me, the split occurs and eye contact occur. She says thank you. I tell her, you are welcome and I smile. Now I'm in a fight with Narc Room 7 down the hall I guess, with a little child in the mix.

I now find myself most concerned about the child in this situation.
I am very frightened.
The danger is real.
Violence seems inevitable, can’t see the future.
Caught in the web
No way out

Last communication I got from Narc Room 7 is he told me my room smelled like **** because of the insence I was burning. He told me this from down the hall. I tell him, come up to me and say that **** to my ******* face, say that again because I did not hear you. He said it. He replied: Are you saying I’m ****? He got real mad about being asked this question, so I asked him more. Why the **** do you come up to me and talk to me? What the **** is it about my attention that you need so bad? He just says all I do is cry, makes crying noises. Im just like ***, you literally turn into my father. I ask him if he’s real? He closes the crack of his door and returns to his apartment.

10 hours ago I forgot to mention, I held the door open for her. Total sucker, total fool

10 hours ago Let the self trashing continue. I already know what's coming. I'm indifferent. Okay with anything. Ready for the suffering

10 hours ago This is my last message before it scrolls off the screen. The identity confusion that results from being in the middle of Borderline Women and Narcissistic men is very very very very confusion. I am so confused. I think I'm going to be okay. Writing helps. Getting the story out of my head helps. Will continue the work as long as I can


ME:

how can i unpack, justly, fairly, what you have left me? i don't think i can... oh: i will have you know that i read all of it, it was a curious read in some parts, but, in other parts? very relatable...  i'm going to try to refocus your attention on something that's been been bugging me before i try to consolidate your troubles, not that i'm going to offer any advice, proper... o.k. o.k.... the song... Your Woman by White Town... was sampled by Dua Lipa - Love Again... which one do you prefer? Me? i recently tried to get together with this woman... i'm 35... she's 39... oh my god... i really fancied her... i was round her house three times... outside of work... brought her homemade wine, forgot my "Gordic Gryffindor Sorting Hat" i left at her house... pom-pom and all... a hat i found at a bus-stop... mind you: i hate Harry Potter...she too has a kid... a lovely 11 year old chap... i told him he should be learning German rather than French because the grammar: the way words are aligned are akin to English... her dog liked me... i had wounds on my knuckles from putting out cigarette buts on them... because? i enjoy pain... being a sadomasochist... i like to inflict pain i might on others on myself first... that's the real test of the threshold... first: me... and if someone gets in the way... at least i could possibly say: 'don't be a *****, i can stomach this... if i can: so you can too...' i even cycled the night prior to Valentine's day and left a card and a bouquet of flowers on her porch... what did she do? ghosted me on WhatsApp... then again... all the talked about was her exes... her abusive exes... one boxed her (beat her)... drank excessively... i drink excessively myself, mind you: but i'm the sort of drunk that tends to wrestle with his shadow and beats himself up... the kid doesn't know his father... she dated this dog-lover type of guy during lockdown... but once lockdown ended... the dog-lover type ended falling back into his old ways... sniffing ******* etc.,  for THREE ******* DAYS i had stomach cramps... i was thinking: ooh! i'm in love! i'm in love! i'm in love! i thought i was... "thought"... this is the same person that... on our first shift together tried to spread a rumour that i was stinking of alcohol / drinking on the job... 2 ******* WEEKS OF DRAMA... between my coworker females... you know... in that sort of scenario... watching a horror movie like Hellraiser is more akin to admiring Buonarroti's Pietà... horror has its moments...it's no longer horrific... it's somewhat beautiful, when people behave in such a petty way... but i told the other girls... listen... don't tell her that i know, i even used the proverb phrase from my native land: liies have short legs... i.e.: liars don't walk on stilts... you need to be a Machiavelli to lie... you need cunning... you can't just expect to be a good liar by watching English soap opera dramas... to be a good liar? you first need to master telling the truth, i.e. to be unashamed of it... like... i tell you i still live with my parents... in the Anglo-Saxon sphere i should be ashamed of this fact, like i'm some would-be Ed Gein ******... but then i tell you... but i'm the custodian of the property itself, i will own it when they're dead... i do all the housework, the DIY and the cooking... my parents are not going to be found in an old people's home... but you know... in order to lie... you need to remember the lies you spin...  you need to be consistent, otherwise there will come a time when glitches... irregularities appear... all liars are bad because they haven't spent enough time in speaking the truth: CONSISTENTLY.... the reason why i'm framing my reply like so... from a shared experience is because: i don't know how to approach your individual case... the similarity is that this "girl of mine" is also damaged goods... she has an 11 year old kid... she has several suitors... she's also very attractive... and i'm as dumb as you in willing to commit to a doomed relationship... rumour has had some sway on me... the other girls told me that her ex didn't actually beat her, but she... beside ploughing him with fists threw knives at him... and... ha ha... she was in her 30s while he was 19.... they met through her son... when this guy was picking up his younger brother from school... why did she ghost me? she can't control me...  in the most recent episode of Billions... don't know if you're familiar... Wendy tries to bribe this Buddhist monk with a tub of vegan, homemade ice-cream... it's different when a man brings a woman his homemade banana loaf and wine... i was peacocking... **** me... if she's not impressed then and there... basically because of that... and from what her past experiences of men should have taught her... then... she ghosting me... i don't think she has anything to learn... Colorado, eh? i'm not English... i have no allegiance to the history of England regarding your country... i'll go as far back as Edward the Confessor, Henry II... but i'm not English... i hope there might be zero animosity between us on this front... i don't care what your take on Englishness is... i just live here... my favourite barber is a Turk, i buy my spices from an Indian merchant... i'm going back to Poland on the 5th to reassurance my grandmother that... Putin will not cross the border... blah blah... man... now that i think about it... you know what i did when this girl ghosted me... on a ******* shift a taste of: voyeurism... she was swiping left, left left left on TINDER... i never used a dating app... but there she is... swiping left left left... it's bad enough that i have a facebook profile... that's ******* embarrassing... but i did set it up when there were restrictions regarding to who could sign up... university students... i have no twitter... why? i write too much... 140 charaters is not going to cut it for me... plus... with this girl... we didn't talk about books, we didn't really talk about movies... well... i mentioned Sunset Boulevard & Bell, Book & Candle... the 1958 movie... my love for vinyl records... our 4th date was supposed to imply i bring a vinyl record and some more of my homemade wine... obviously that didn't happen... mate... it's ****... and from what i read... you're knee deep in some... horror show... i dare say... if H. H. Holmes wanted to build a labyrinth slaughterhouse... he'd base it on your narrative-analysis! i'm not joking! but you know what i did after this rejection? the girl obviously loves her soap opera... her femme-boxers... she just likes to be abused... some people can't help it... it's like that Eurythmics's song: sweet dreams are made of these... who am i to disagree... i travelled the world and the 7 seas... everybody's looking for something: some of them want to use you,
                            some of them want to get used by you,
                              some of them want to abuse you,
                     some of them want to be abused (by you)...
the next big fix on offer? going to a brothel and seeing a *******.. i'm not going to handle rejection like that, not in my 30s, that's simply not going to happen, i was always going to have an auxiliary fall-back to land on, that comes all the more easier with prostitutes, at least they're blatant, obvious, 3-dimensional... at least if you upkeep personal hygiene one might tell you: live dangerously... have *** without a ******... hell... i'm expecting her to bring some marijuana to our next session since... two sessions prior i mentioned that i haven't tried *******... she brought ******* to our last session... tried it... did **** all for me... i prefer coffee... it's like sniffing... a dog-****... with chemical rainbow aftertaste... i was more into her naked body... mate... get out... even if you have to grow a pair of horns or a cranium  thickness of a ram's head... get out... but it's how you opened up... kudos to you... you are most certainly primed for the Beatnilk cut-up technique, oh man, i was a big fan of the Beatniks in my younger years... all that ****-****** literature surrounding William Burroughs... the confused state of "affairs"... i gobbled his books down... Naked Lunch is still one of my all-time favourites... you're on your way, in terms of writing... i will spare you correcting some discrepancies in your messages... although... the grammar-**** in me is tirggered beyond belief...i'm seriously itching at what corrections i see that need to be corrected... but this time... i won't...  i see too miuch of you in me and i hope: not enough of me in you... but at least we can share the similitude of our fates.... to compare... we're not that much mis-aligned... trouble being... i went to the outlet of a *******... to counter her having control...even my neighbour today, who i went going to the shop commented about my **** beard... you need to find other people to please, there are always other people... don't congest yourself with the claustrophobia of this one woman... like my one... oh... she's fit... she's just my type... half Celtic... hair like a sunset...ginger: but not ginger...but she originally wanted to get be sacked for "apparently" drinking alcohol on the job... you can't help them... if she's into being beaten, if she's into soap opera antics... free will is a *****... however much good you want for someone: if they are still adamantly reserved in being receptive to advice... so be it! let go... just let, go... your interest in computers is like my interest in making my own wine... let it go... see a more available third party... you know how much i wish it could be true? but... i just don't feel like being the *******...i don't want to **** myself spiritually in order to win over her heart... sad... i know... i'd like to love her... but if she's only willing to be loved by men that abuse her... Pontius Pilate... i wash my hands clean, of the whole affair... FIAT!

i did sort of warn him... he didn't believe me...
i guess that's perfect:
learning the hard way, from experience.
Big Virge Dec 2016
These Days It's CLEAR .... !!!  
That Mind Control Is On A Roll ... !!!  

Because LOST Souls Now Live In ... "FEAR" ... !!!!!  

FEAR of THIS And ... FEAR of THAT ... !!!
FEAR of Thinking They've Been TRAPPED ... !!!

Most Minds Now Find Themselves In ... "Binds" ...  
That Are Designed To ... "KEEP Them BLIND" ... !!!!  
  
Blind To Thoughts EXPOSING FRAUDS ...  
Like Bogus Wars On Foreign Shores ...  
  
Most Minds It Seems Are Getting WEAK ... !!!  
And Choose To SLEEP ...
Like DORMANT Breeds of Human Beings ... !!!  
  
So The Question Is ...... ?  
  
... " What CONTROLS Yours " ... ???  
  
A Pair of Lips That OPENS Doors ...  
Or Those That SPLIT Because They're ****** ... ?!?  
  
See Many Slip Because They're QUICK ...  
To *** A Chick Who's QUICK To LICK ...  
ANY ***** Named **** And Have His Kid ... !?!  
  
Because They Know Their ***** Hole ...  
CANNOT Control The Mind of A Bloke Who CAN'T SAY No ... !!!
  
You See ... That's The Way The Story Goes ...  
When You LACK CONTROL Around PROFESSIONAL **'s ... !!!!!    
  
In Some It's The Past That's Marked Their Card ... !!!  
Because A Person They LOVED CLEARLY BROKE Their Heart ... !!!  
  
But ACTING TOUGH ...
Is NOT The Stuff That Helps You Grow ... !!!  
Beyond ............................................... What CONTROLS ... !!!!!  
  
It's Tough I Know To Let Things Go .............................................  
Things From The Past That Have HIT You HARD ... !!!!  
  
ESPECIALLY When You Tried Your BEST ...  
To Do What's Right And Be ... " DIGNIFIED " ...  
  
ANGER You Hold KEEPS You CONTROLLED ...  
And UNABLE To Then Pass GO And .... Old PAIN Road ... !!!!!  
  
FREE UP Yourself ... Otherwise GET HELP ... !!!!!  

Knowledge of Self And Cards You've Dealt ...  
  
IMPROVE Your Chance of Being SMART ...  
And Letting PAIN ... Just DRIFT AWAY ..................................  
  
It's A FOOL Who Displays IGNORANT Ways ... !!!  
Because of FEARS They KEEP Like EARS ...  !!!  
Next To Their Brain Driving Them INSANE ... !!!!!  
  
Because They Know When The TRUTH Unfolds .......................  
That Lies That HOLD Will BETRAY Their Soul ...  
Because They're Meek And CLEARLY Weak ... !!!!!  
Because of LIES ... They Choose To KEEP ... !!!  
  
FEAR It Seems ... of Being ALONE ...  
Also CONTROLS ... BOTH Young And Old ... !!!  
To The Point Where Some Choose To ... " Run Their Gums " ... !!!
  
About Men Like ME ...  
  
"You're MILITANT Virge, and you go too far !"  
  
Are Of Course The Words Some Choose To Impart ...  
Which I Guess Is Because I DON'T Dwell In The Past ... !!!  
  
Is It Me Whose Lost And CONTROLLED Like DARTH ... ?!?

Because of ANGER Felt From The Cards I've Dealt ... !!!  
... Well My Answer Is NO ... !!!  
  
I DON'T Do Coc' ... !!!  

So Am NOT Controlled By Chemical Dope ... !!!!  
Or Controlled By HATE Because of My Race ...
Or Because of My Weight So What Ya' Gonna Say ... ?  
  
... " What controls Big V !?! " ...
  
.... NOT A GOD ****** Thing .... !!!
But My Wish To Be FREE Like My Poetry ... !!!    
  
There Are A Few Controls That Are Now IMPOSED ...  
To Which I'll Abide But Here Is WHY ... !!!  
  
Because of PEOPLE LIKE YOU ...  
Who Choose To ABUSE ... The Rules of The Game ... !!!  
DON'T Apportion Blame And Then Aim It MY WAY ... !!!  
When What You Say ... PROVES You're NOT STRaigHt ... !!!!
  
STRAIGHT With YOURSELF ...  
About The Cards You've Dealt That Affect Your Health ... !!!!!  
  
I'm NOT The Type To Say ... " I Told You So " ... !!!
  
I'm The Type of Guy To Let You KNOW ...  
About How I Feel So I ... " Keep It REAL " ... !!!  
  
Well ....
REALER Than Fools Who Choose To ABUSE ... !!!
  
Those Dealing In TRUTH ... !!!!  
Because They REFUSE To Look In The MIRROR ...  

Like Michael Said ....  

Well When You Do You Should Just ... Simmer .....................  
And CONTROL Your Head ...  
  
NO Drugs Or Thugs or Thoughts of Love ...  
Or Being Alone Should EVER CONTROL ...  
  
CLEAR Thinking ..... NO ... !!!!!  
  
It's Worked For Me ...  
No Matter What I've Seen ... !!!  
  
IGNORANT Women ... IGNORANT Men ...  
Loss of Life And YES ... " Pain and Strife " ... !!!!!  
  
But Throughout These Times My STRENGTH of MIND ...  
Has Kept Me PRIMED To Do What's WISE ...  
And NOT ACCEPT New Laws That Want ...

..... " CONTROL of THOUGHT " ..... !!!
  
Because These Laws Are FLAWED .... !!!  
  
In This I Am ... QUITE SURE ... !!!!!!  
  
So The Question I Now ... " Court " ...  
  
Is .............  
  
... " What's Controlling YOURS ? " ...
So many controls and control freaks gaining power & influence, an old piece but pretty relevant right about now ....
Kayla Whipple Nov 2012
The leaves can’t control what trees they grow on.
Shoes don’t choose whose feet they will be covering.
We don’t choose who we fall for.
We can’t control that feeling we get when we glance into someone’s eyes and realize they will soon have a piece of our heart.  

Our brains create emotions that are impossible to stunt or stop.
Rejection after rejection. The same people can still consume our minds, even if
Our common sense knows, it will never be an option.

At times, I want to look my feelings right in the face and say,
“Curse you” why do you allow me to feel this thing called love
When you know deep down this time will be just like all of the other times.

I can’t control the boys who look into the eyes of my friends and instantly the emotions of attraction consume their lives.
I can’t control the boys who are just a little off, and look at me with that feeling.
I can’t control myself falling for someone who looks into my friends soul and makes that connection.

Life is on constant repeat. The sun rises every morning. The seasons changing every few months, every year. Babies being born, and bodies being lowered into the ground.
People falling in love with complete strangers. People leaving other people behind.
It is a reoccurring event, which in my life will never end.

This constant change and betrayal has become so common I am afraid to say it is almost a scheduled event like the Saturday morning cartoons. Always on, always there, every Saturday morning. No matter what.
This change in my life, this constant repeat of life’s hardest moments is becoming so comfortable my heart aches with the thought of it all.

I can’t fathom the thought of every heartache coming from betrayal coming to a stop and having the security blanket of knowing who ever is in my life, and who matters the most will stay.

It is safe to say my heart is becoming an ***** of scar tissue. Clotting the cuts to keep me from bleeding out. This rejection, this betrayal, this feeling of being alone, it must stop soon. I’m not sure how much more I can take.

Little does my brain know, the feelings that I can’t control, the feelings that no one can control, those are the ones who make me bleed out more and more every passing hour.
Emily Nemec Feb 2015
Why do bad things happen?"
“Why does evil exist?”
“Why is the world becoming more sinful everyday?”
These are questions that are asked on a regular basis and it is proven that no answer is perfect enough to respond with. It is healthy to question the sadism on earth and it is normal to be concerned about all of the evil that took and is taking place in history. But a question that is asked very seldom today is, “why do good things happen?”
I think cancer is the most talked about killer in all of the world. It’s murderous, it’s dreadful, and unfortunately, there is no way to stop it. Humans do not have control over some bad things, like cancer. We physically cannot stop the spreading of diseases in a moment’s notice like how we would like to. Bad things WILL happen and some of those things will be out of our control.
Take thunderstorms, for example. We cannot physically halt the demolition of a thunderstorm and we have no control over what it annihilates. But, the one thing we can control is our reaction. Humans can control reactions. Do we rush for shelter? Do we pretend that its power to destroy every fabric of the city is nonexistent? Do we panic? Do we hide our loved ones first? We control the answers to these questions.
The beauty of life falls under the definition of a storm passing. The bad things are temporary. The bad things will always pass and once they do, it leaves another muscle in our hearts. Every lightning strike, every roar of thunder, every gray cloud, and every rainy day prepares us for the next storm. Our reaction to the eradication will be much more courageous than our last. Maybe we’ll know a quicker route to shelter. Maybe we’ll think in a greater sense of serenity. Maybe we’ll know a better position to be in, in order for the storm to not hurt us. The second time around we will take more advantage of what we can do to allay the storms in our lives. The bad things in life will always promise strength.
"Why do the good things happen?" is a question that is very rarely asked.
And well, good things happen because they are supposed to.
It was never God’s intention to make a world that consisted of bad. It was never in His heart to have sin enter the world because good always originates from the source of God. Goodness is God and Love is God, as well. And since Love is God, He gives us the choice to do whatever is in our will. If we love someone, we will not program them into robots, where we control every move they make. If we love someone, we will give them the freedom to perform any action they would like. So when man decided to bring sin in the world, God did not stop it from happening because He loved man so much that He was compelled to let him do whatever man wanted. Before man’s decision to sin, God made sure the world was spotless. But since His love gives us a choice, we chose to bring sin in the world.
Bad things happen because it was chosen by us to let them happen. Sometimes, we cannot control the bad things in the world but we can control our reactions. The downsides in life will never fail to be a life lesson, will never fail to soften our hearts if they need to be a softened and toughen our hearts if they need to be toughened. There is no telling when a bad thing will occur and we are allowed to acknowledge its jeopardy. But, the second time around, we will be prepared. The bad times only strengthen us.
[Dun-dun, dun-dit] [Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun]
[Dun-dun, dun-dit] [Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun]
[Dun-dun, dun-dit] [Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun]
[Dun-dun, dun-dit] [Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun]

[Russia ready!] U.S., England to;
Start the final chapter!

[In control!] Ready, launch, command-cool;
What are nations after?

[Everybody!] Thinks that they should rule;
Here comes nuclear disaster.

[We were walking!] On-the-way to our school;
Dwelling on the matter…

[Great White Flash!] Thunder, wind …and screams too;
Crescendo horror clapter!

[Engage in War!] For, three days they all do;
Such greedy little Satyrs…

In control, ready, launch, command-cool;
Countries run by bstards!*
*Everybody fighting for their rule;*
*In a worldwide nuclear disaster,*

[The Holy Tome!] Religion, cultural, pride, fools;
The end is coming faster!

[Everybody!] Thinks that they should rule;
And they serve a holy master!

[Russia’s honor!] America, Europe, England too;
Apocalyptic chapter!

[In control!] Ready, launch, command-cool;
Hear whooshing wings and laughter!

[Crafty-Smithy!] He’s walking among you;
You’re descending down his ladder!

Everybody’s fighting for his rule in the final chapter!

*In control, ready, launch, command-cool;*
*Countries run by b
stards!
Everybody fighting for their rule;
In a worldwide nuclear disaster,

Everybody’s fighting for his rule in this final chapter!

In control, ready, launch, command-cool;
Countries run by actors!
Everybody fighting for their rule;
Who do you call your master?

In control, ready, launch, command-cool;
Countries run by b_stards!
Everybody fighting for their rule;
In a worldwide nuclear disaster,
Eighties-style pop.
Caterina Correia Nov 2021
I can tell you to kiss me,
But your in control of how long
I can tell you to strip me,
But your in control of the amount of clothes to take off
I can tell you to grab me,
But your in control of where to start
I can tell you to throw me,
But your in control of how far
I can tell you to hold me down
But your in control of how tight
I can tell you to mark me,
But your in control of how many hickeys
I can tell you to pull my hair,
But your in control of how hard
I can tell you to **** me,
But your in control of how rough
Venusoul7 Aug 2014
When I am Sad I get Scared
When I get Scared I seek Control
But I have had Control before...
over my life, the people in it,
and then the darkness came,
and We fought...they came
in swarms...Alive...I had to
decide to relinquish Control
And upon my own gauntlet...
That piece of me died.
Because it wasn't right
to own that kind of control.
I don't know now what to do
When I am Sad....
Except that at that moment
Gracefully deliver my senses
of Control over to that which is
ever truly in Control anyway...
DJ Thomas May 2010
We each have a voice and life, it is how we use them not how we might!  

Stop glaciers melting
Huge population movements
Death of progeny


The small reductions in carbon emissions being targeted for 2020 or 2050 - are thought to little to late to slow global warming.  The melting polar ice and glaciers together with our changing weather patterns are now fact. The resulting loss of river systems and rising sea levels will mean the desertification or flooding of agricultural lands and famine, then the migration of populations - starting with the skilled and rich seeking safety, to escalate into the terror of armed bands
warring over water, food, women and land.

By 20 20
Lets hope for twenty twenty
A 20 20


There is now the thought that the huge physical change wrought by global warming can be charted by the escalation in earthquake and volcanic activity.  And that this may eventually trigger huge eruptions in the American and Asian continents,
destroying civilisations to create a planetary volcanic winter.

Again fire and cold
The cycle repeats itself
Destroying nature


Was there a civilisation in deep history before the flood, prior to and during the last ice-age?
This has been researched and written about in great detail during the last twenty years
and many now believe it already proven by scientific review of documents and
thousands of archaeological finds, also by scientists having used the exactness
in the astronomical alignments of ancient monuments
to recalculate there greater age.  

Dead sold souls herd us
Lost mindless finger puppets
Vapid witless words


Sadly, the majority put their reliance and faith in
the actions of lawyer-ed politicians, most of whom evidence
a fixation on their own welfare,  selfish self-glorification needs
and an unwillingness to rock-the-boat once in power*

Politicians thwart
Party politics deafen
Propaganda’s herd


Putting off all radical action required until after the next election.  
Many have gifted away the necessary legal control and power to take national radical action
to a political or trade grouping of nations - in effect retaining only national rights
to go to war, put up taxes, borrow and spend monies.

Please no rhetoric
Complete local transition
Forget politics


We each have a voice and life, it is how we use them not how we might!

Living we give voice
So one voice might yet be heard
All being, believe!


We are left holding our eco-inheritance and children’s future in the palm of our hand.
Please let our love and imagination drive us each forward to make change.


Biosphere a greenhouse 
Target the impossible
Please gift some life soon?


So, we each of us have hard personal choices to make, which will encompass both positive and negative
benefits in terms of our time, lifestyle, health and wealth.  I chose to base my choices solely on how it
might benefit the eco-system and the lives of our children.

My choices are grouped under five headings: transport, food, home, lifestyle and further action. They are:
-  

Transport: Rail; Bus; Coach; Bike;
(I pass woods in bud - a Red Kite hunting twisting, unhurried moments).  
To give up ownership of electric / motor vehicles
and to avoid air travel where possible.


Highly vaporous.
Emissions farting -
barrelling vipers
.

Food: To eat meat/fish only once a week at most;
(Slaughteramas greed - industrial carcase-ed meals. Sheep full of cancer)
To study fast methods of vegetarian cooking; buy local organic foodstuffs;
visit local farmers markets and farm shops; grow my own when possible
and help friends establish vegetable/herb gardens.
To not ever feed, cleave and eat!


Fat shopaholics,
a deadly consumerism.
Cancers meat to eat


Home:   A cottage sized for me, friends and neighbours,
overlooking a wooded valley and trout stream.
Like me a little untidy and basic
.

Crossing the shallows
trout fingerling feed at dawn
White dots steep hill path

Dusk - eight painted queue
river paired mare and foal
Foliage lined dark black


Well positioned to capture the morning sun, airy and light.  
Yet insulated to stay cool or warm. With easy access to mountain bike trails
and long distance bus routes, plus several end-of-line train stations
in energetic cycling distance over the mountains


A differing beat
Quickly fading doubled steps -
pulling separate


Life Style:* A thinking poet mountain biker, living organic
not part of the great noisious noxious ribbons of hurtling tired.

Pressured paced life -
impossible  commitments.
Organic living


Further Action: *I intend to give up meat not because of the terrible cruelty involved in ten billion or more animals
being slaughtered every year to feed the human race, but due to
: 1)  animal farming being a major factor in the burning of 50 million year old rainforests at a rate of one and half acres per second to generate huge volumes of greenhouse gases, destroying the richest habitats on Earth and a principal source of oxygen; and 2)  that these billions of farmed animals
are themselves a major source of greenhouse gases
.

Burning rainforests
Feeding to cleave open and eat
Subsistence farming


With ongoing intensive fishing, the world's fisheries already in crisis and climate change,
it could be that we will run out of wild-caught seafood much earlier than 2030!


Conserve energy -
and natural resources
Don’t waste foolishly


Each of us might have a different view of what globalisation is,
for some this word encapsulates the dangers of our global fast food culture, omnipresent brands,
popular culture, changing diets and the growing use of packaged processed foods
.

Freedom to act sought
Globalisation's curses
Octopus suckers!


For many it is the illegal international trade in endangered species of flora and fauna,  
second only in value to the $350 billion a year global drug trafficking trade that now services
perhaps more than 50 million regular users of ******, ******* and synthetic drugs
.

The label 'globalization' can cover the: spread and integration of different cultures;  
industry moving to low per capita income countries; sweatshops supplying this seasons branded goods
to retail outlets worldwide;  complex international interleaved financial trading instruments being developed
by banks and financial institutions to trade worldwide, create profits and pay huge bonuses, without risk to themselves
.

Globalisation -
orchestrated profiteers,
betting our losses


Many see globalisation as being the beneficial spread of free trade, liberty, democracy and capitalism,
involving the efficient allocation of resources and capital through the spread of technology.
Unelected international bodies and institutions such the World Bank actively promulgate globalisation,
a '‘world government’ promoting close economic ties between nations
.

Enculturation
Our sad indoctrination
Globalization
  

The anti-globalisation movements dislike the corporate and political nature of globalisation,
protesting the resultant harm done to the biosphere, a more rapid and extensive deterioration of the environment
and the unintended but very real consequences of globalisation: the erosion of traditional culture
resulting in social disintegration; a breakdown of democracy; the spread of new diseases;
changes in diet; increasing poverty.
.

I view globalisation and it's propagation as leading to the final destruction
of the world's cultures and civilisations by locked us into a
dogmatic world political doctrine secured through
trade and political alliances of states, institutions
and corporations that remain hell bent on
imposing this world governance. Such
that individual countries governments
cannot consider making substantive
radical change to avert the planet
being pushed into a natural cycle
that will end the human race
.

Caged in Fools World
The people hear heroic call  
Each one a hero
!

The peoples and cultures of the world need perhaps just one western country to
break the legal chains of globalisation and adopt a radical economic regeneration program
designed to make the total transition to a dynamic culture of localised
clean communities centred on the individual not competition*  

Only one tool
National taxation for -
economic change.


Here I begin discussing how global, regional and national economies might
be based on the growth of small organic local economies.
not the repeated foolishness involved in chasing lower cost base manufacture -
each time at great cost to the economy it has migrated from!
Then a further culture becoming totally reliant
on the transport of foodstuffs and goods -
I can here you saying
:

"Oh **** this guy is -
talking about change, changing -
the world we live in!"


Yes, I am and do we have a choice?  But such change will be organic and involve business
in the restructuring and regeneration of economies till we share green economies.  
In small part his is already happening slowly!


Unlock taxation,  
survivals powerful tool.  
Needed now for change!


This is why we need to consider doing something that many of today's
plutocrats, economists, bureaucrats and politicians, would dismiss out of hand or
discuss endlessly in terms of perfectly competitive markets, perverse economic incentives etc


Major solution
National taxation change
Human extinction



WORK in HAND

This haiku sequenced eco-haibun is an ongoing project being penned day-by-day by many that care and take action. Your reactions are all welcome, thank you


**Take back control now.  
Cease all squabbling, achieve act - decisively!

Globalisation's, global control cut away.
Diversity sought

Promote well being.  Act with imagination -
for ecology!

Creating employment -
with local utilities, local food and transport

Incentivise tax,  to create local benefits.
Gain prosperity

Income taxation -  value added tax, aged -
dangerous mistake

Local licensing.  Lead don't follow excuses.
Saviour taxation

Imaginative - energy, food and transport -
local licensing

An alternative - energetic strategy,
greening business

Organic foodstuffs - out compete processed food.
Life promoting health

Healthy government - a healthy population. 
Zero income tax!

Locally taxed - by distance it travelled -
and category

Products bar coded.  Point of agreed production -
and category

Local added tax, by distance it travelled -
and category

Local energy, initiatives supplant.  
Replacing at risk

User energy, capture and storage.  
Eco-dwelling plan

Local water works,  supplanting initiative.
Replace the at risk

User water need.  Capturing and storing half.
Securing supply

Communications, local initiatives.
Protecting our needs

Local healthy food, life saving initiative.
Planting guaranteed

Sort unemployment, local work available.
Agriculture base

Radical transport - initiatives needed.
Change made possible

Season’s colours blur - in ageing contemplation
chilling warm breezes

Ganges dried mud - dust
Armed hungry thirsty tide
Generations despair,  lost

Our politicians -
squabble condemn progeny.
Flee panic and die

HAIKU SEQUENCE FINISHED

HAIBUN PROSE BEING ADDED
Day by Day
This haiku sequenced eco-haibun needs prose and additional haiku added day by day.  Contributing comment and reactions considered for inclusion...

copyright©DJThomas@inbox.com 2010
Northern Poet Sep 2019
My timeline is filled
With self indulgent selfies
Searching for gratification
And self satisfaction
Need to get an instant reaction
Some social media traction
There's no time for distraction
From this digital attraction
You can't get enough
Of the interaction
1,000 poses in your camera roll
Narcissists are taking control

It doesn't matter
What the time
Come wind, rain
Snow or shine
Just make sure
You look devine
Lick your lips
You're looking fine
Flip the camera
And strike a pose
Making sure
Everybody knows
Here's your next
Digital daily dose
Does it really matter
Which ******* filter you chose?
I feel like I've lost my soul
Narcissists are taking control

The bathroom
Is the perfect spot
Take your picture
Before you Photoshop
Bunny ears
And a rainbow smile
Frogs legs
And a crocodile
Snapping away
Well all the while
You could have been
Down the Curry Mile
Instead you're out there
On your own
Sat at home
On your ******* phone
Sharing pictures
With people you don't know
You'll end up on the ******* dole
Narcissists are taking control

1,000 poses in your camera roll
Mirror selfies
And online trolls
Constantly searching
To find your soul
There's no way out
Of this black hole
Just one more post
On your way home
Narcissists are taking control
kmr Feb 2019
My entire life,
I have been waiting.
For years,
Almost two decades now
I have been waiting.
Waiting,
For the better parts.
Waiting,
For the “soon”.
Waiting,
For my life to begin.
Because,
I don’t feel like I have lived.
In the nearly twenty years
I have been alive
And breathing
I do not feel
In any of those years
That I have been alive.
I don’t feel like a single breath
That I have taken
Has been real.
I feel as if
All these years
I’ve been stuck
Behind a window
Watching as my life unfolds
Before me.
I feel that
I have had
Zero control.
That I am in the backseat
Letting someone else drive.
That someone else,
Is writing on the pages
Of MY life.
But no more.
I will break that window,
I will take that wheel,
And I will write
My own pages.
My life has begun,
And now -
I’m in control.
Yesterday, April 8th, was my birthday. I wrote this poem two years ago, when I was 19 almost 20, and on my 22nd birthday I find that the website selected it as a daily and I have all these wonderful people saying wonderful things about my poetry. Thank you Hello Poetry, and thank you everyone else. This was the best birthday present I could have even gotten. (04/09/2021)
Jesse Davey Nov 2015
Control.
I've lost control. It feels that way, anyway.

But I'm always in control. Control of my life, my career, my money. My journey.

Im so in control that I don't even realise I'm not, until it hits me. Like an unstoppable force. An insurmountable pressure. A tsunami crashing against my mind, the weight of it almost crushing me.

I let my mind crumble. I succumb to rage, and then stress and then to tears. Feelings, emotions, thoughts flood in. The gates are opened. I feel vulnerable.
I try to weather the storm. After all, My mind has done so a thousand times. Battered, and flogged like a cyclone sweeping through a rural town.

They say there is a calm before the storm. But there is also a calm after it as well. A serenity that follows a catastrophe. A peace.
I'm now at peace. Too exhausted to feel anything else but.

I'm slowly regaining control. Systems returning to normal. Rebuilding from the devastation.

I'm there. I'm back. I'm me again, except for one small difference. It's a thought.

How do I stop this happening again?
Spenser Bennett Nov 2016
I got the spirit in my shaking bones
Bottled up the feeling but this dam's about to go
And the water, the waters gotta flow
One more drop and she'll swallow you whole

Let go
Control

Empty eyes of silent night glare
The moon born over a lake called Despair
Look up, look up, can you hear the whispers on the air
Dive deep, maybe you can see, what is buried there

Let go
Control
Let go
Control
Let go
Control

Silver tongued disciple of the serpent king
Body of amber and eyes like sapphires cling
To your flesh but deeper, heavier, searching
Strike flash the ivory, color spurts, splashed ruby, don't scream

Let go
Control
Let go
Control

Guile of the ice grown thick over head
Air now thick with stale breath
Ancient green slow creeps to newly bled
It's no wonder, no thunder can wake the dead

Let go
Control
Let go
Hope
Warda Kashif Nov 2012
If I had any super power I would want the power to control time.
To stop this moment
To relive the past
And to see the future.

If I had any super power I would want the power to control time.
To slow it down
To speed it up
And to play over.

If I had any super power I would want the power to control time.
To spend it wisely
To cherish it
And to learn from it.

If I had any super power I would want the power to control time.
Because it is the cruelest villain
It keeps moving regardless of our lives
It keeps ticking and tormenting
It claims to heal all wounds
It is the dictator of life.

I'd be stronger than super man
I'd be slicker than batman
I'd be bulkier than the hulk
I'd be faster than quicksilver
All because I'd have the power to control time.
Simplified Sep 2014
It scares me
All of it
The thought, the realization
That I cannot control anything
It is killing me, fear
It’s destroying me from the inside out
I lose control over my emotions
And the fear sets in
I lose control over pain
And the fear sets in
I lose control of work
And fear sets in
It deprives me of sleep
And puts me off food
Sometimes it is hard to breathe
Everything puts me close to tears
Because of fear
Not fear of death
I do not fear that
But fear of no control
The losses I will one day have to face
I know they must come eventually
Fear of the pain I will undoubtedly feel each day
Fear of how I will react
Who I will hurt
Where it will take me in life
I know I must trust
And they say not to feel
But I cannot bring myself to do it
It has begun to consume me
I feel as though I am letting Him down
Because I fear
Because I am human
I cannot shake it
And it has begun to choke me
It weighs me down like a heavy blanket
And blocks all light
I cannot see what I can do
I cannot scream because of its hold on me
How do I get through this
Do all others feel this way
Why when I feel this, do I feel so alone
Is He not meant to be there
Am I not meant to feel Him
Why do I feel like this
Why can I not feel this once more
Control.
Nicole Potter Mar 2013
Even when you're silent I can still hear your rings.
You think you can hide in the corner of a room,
But light shines from you.
                                            You are endless inspiration.
But my mind goes blank,
                                          I can't control it.
But my nerves soar,
                                          I can't control it.
I have trouble swallowing,
                                          I can't control it.
Focus on breathing,
                                          I can't control it.

My head says give up, but my heart just keeps fighting.
                                        Fighting for control.
As much as I desire,
                                maybe a step back is required.
     But my feelings for you?
I'm sorry,
                                         I can't control it.

— The End —