I drank musty ale at the Illinois Athletic Club with
     the millionaire manufacturer of Green River butter
     one night
And his face had the shining light of an old-time Quaker,
     he spoke of a beautiful daughter, and I knew he had
     a peace and a happiness up his sleeve somewhere.
Then I heard Jim Kirch make a speech to the Advertising
     Association on the trade resources of South America.
And the way he lighted a three-for-a-nickel stogie and
     cocked it at an angle regardless of the manners of
     our best people,
I knew he had a clutch on a real happiness even though
     some of the reporters on his newspaper say he is
     the living double of Jack London's Sea Wolf.
In the mayor's office the mayor himself told me he was
     happy though it is a hard job to satisfy all the office-
     seekers and eat all the dinners he is asked to eat.
Down in Gilpin Place, near Hull House, was a man with
     his jaw wrapped for a bad toothache,
And he had it all over the butter millionaire, Jim Kirch
     and the mayor when it came to happiness.
He is a maker of accordions and guitars and not only
     makes them from start to finish, but plays them
     after he makes them.
And he had a guitar of mahogany with a walnut bottom
     he offered for seven dollars and a half if I wanted it,
And another just like it, only smaller, for six dollars,
     though he never mentioned the price till I asked him,
And he stated the price in a sorry way, as though the
     music and the make of an instrument count for a
     million times more than the price in money.
I thought he had a real soul and knew a lot about God.
There was light in his eyes of one who has conquered
     sorrow in so far as sorrow is conquerable or worth
     conquering.
Anyway he is the only Chicago citizen I was jealous of
     that day.
He played a dance they play in some parts of Italy
     when the harvest of grapes is over and the wine
     presses are ready for work.

Sometimes, if I try, I hum between the tumbling
Hills of the world bracing domesticated beasts.
They graze and grunt all over again,
Entering slumbers following the daily sweep
Of lactic creeks, thin enough to guide tree roots.
Dusk is explained by the party of two, embracing the dividing sun.
Look left to see coral reef skies swim attempting to grasp what is to the right of the Sun:
Silhouettes outlining prayers flattening dimensions of rugged Mosques
Still dusty from wheat flour and patterned by uncooked lentils, that
Slipped through missing seams of Burlap, blackened from the hearth
Malleable as a result of dependency.

Though only half of my sight functions, I reason that
Earth shifts without you. Watching centuries and some odd
Years of changes, I yearn to know where you have gone.
I peer from the peacock’s tail, feeling the pulse of the
World tick away as the fearless pray to someone new.
Your countenance, I interlaced with feathered fingers
Depicts movements, curves. A shame to be without
Language to fill the contours of a nebulaic expression
Or swindling modifications.
You put me here. My eyes anyway.
Expecting me to retire along with buildings for your worship
Powdery paint has spilled and faded along with
Others who have modified your appearance, their someone new.

Even as the shadows swells
A million replicates of Io, moo and sway home, tired from the
Beating sun, to which eyes remain fixed.
One momentary memory visits.
Vision simulate traces of wonder, travelling on
Pathways believed to be conquerable. The people have learned
What I have not. They pause, breathe.

Putting feelings together of lust and desire are
the privilege and curse of having someone on your mind
and questioning yourself however you do and however insecure you feel.
Putting together the words and steps of how to approach and
spell out that you like them are the scariest and most skeptical
letters you will ever choose in your life.
Once you said them, they are gone from inside, and then taken care
of outside like the mother bears with their cubs and the rabbits with
their babies,
we knew there was something there, forgetting  the questions and thoughts.

Putting together a relationship makes you nothing but ambitious
and your eyes glitter, you look nowhere but up thanking the world
you are where you are, it is what it is, and you are who you are.
Putting together the days you will come together again are when you
lay in bed alone, and pray you will lay together soon again.
Putting together a life is crucial and emotional,
times change, so does everyone, and nothing lasts forever.
I love you, and I know you do too.

Being young not wanting to get old for the first time in my life,
I could never put anything together, pull myself together, or
mature if you and I were not together.
We will see where we go, this journey, this time, this phase,
this relationship,
I love being together with you, feeling your touch and your brown
eyes lock onto me, and your long black hair flowing in the wind,
you make me feel like a beauty queen whenever I feel like a disaster.
I feel you too and I see in your smile you feel like the king of the world
as I want you to.
Complications are conquerable, age is a number, time goes by, and how I
feel your warmth just by thinking how we can put things in place and grow
together,
we will have to see what happens,
I like this vision.

Sitting here with my thumb on a black hole
As of late I’ve allowed it to consume my soul
A temple made of tin, so pink and inviting
Til it starts to thrash; snarling and biting

I’ve let all the wrong people and things steer my ship
Let some of them command me with the sting of their whips
Cried, kicked and screamed “this is not what I wanted”
Yet still I sit here, thinking, drinking - utterly haunted

Journey forth if you dare

There is always more than one way to go

One is simple, just go with the flow
It is straight and even keeled
No bumps, twists and turns,
All green, flat, as far as the eye can see

Second is hard, you must work at it for the prize
Twists and turns,
Ruts, bumps, no visibility in places
Sometimes you can't see past your face

Third is most difficult you see
We make it that way
Harder than it has to be
Mountains are high, rivers rage, oceans pounding

Each road we take puts us on another one then another
Even the simplest can turn out to be the worst nightmare of all
The most difficult can end on easy street
We are told we pick our own road and we do
Yet there is the twist
It does not matter which of those first three you pick

Why? why does it not matter?
Because life is never simple
It is never all green pastures and rosey days
Life is sometimes harder, many times we can't decide what to do
Decisions we make put us in deep ruts that seem impossible maneuver
Other times it is so difficult we get stuck
Can go no further

I have been told  it is all in the choices you make
This is true yet it is not
Our choices affect but we are tested repeatedly in life
What do you mean? you might ask

Life is what you put into it
If you pick the easy road something always happens
A flat tire, the flu, overdrawn checking account

Pick the harder path
You might go for days without a mishap
Smooth road ahead, no problems
Suddenly the road floods

Pick the most difficult path
One day you are in hell
The next you are sailing on easy street
The choice of roads matters not

As long as you put your trust in God
Or the God of your religion
He is the one that puts the ruts, storms, and smooth sailings into your life
Trust in him to get you through the day
Sometimes when things are truly bad
You think I won't make it another day I just can't

Ask Him, Tell Him how you are feeling
He is listening even when we think He is not
If your path follows Him and you trust in Him
You will find every obstacle is conquerable
Every wave is rideable
Every mountain is crossable

Instead of thinking God hates me today
Remember He is challenging you for a reason
Strenghtening you for times to come
He knows the future we do not

Right now at this moment I write this
Because I am at my breaking point
Instead of going off the deep end
Going crazy

I bow my head
God, You are the power, the love and light in my life
Please I can't take anymore
Please I beg Your mercy
HELP ME PLEASEE HELP ME

I know in my heart and soul
He heard me and will remove an obstacle
He will send me help
A sign of some sort will arrive

Instead of saying I should have picked the other road
Simply say
HELP ME

im bold to hold you //
sand in folds of our underclothes //
you were still holding my hand
when a strange feeling arose
like rose taste in a gin
and yet again i feel blue //
it makes you question up at me
in depths of these conquerable waters
cold //

~ A.M, F.H.

The Phoenix

My brain is the best brain, And your brain is ****

Why, with my faith in humanity gone
Why do I lust for the comfort of others?
Why do I lust for things?

Me needs company, Me needs to hear your voice
Me loves you!, do you loves me?
Me needs a Job and Money, Me needs a car to drive
Me needs my video game, Me needs my cigarettes
Me needs a God to search for and never find, Me needs an enemy to fight
Me needs my young women, Me needs to ***
Me needs my drugs and sleeping pills, Me needs my Doctor right now!
Me needs my psychiatrist, Me needs a happy brain.

With all of our intelligence, why with all of our love and soul
Are we putty in the hands of a man with a microphone,
a nice big trusted man
And god forbid he is on TV.
Me loves the TV!
TV tells me who I am
Nothing makes one better than being seen by a lot of people
Fame for fames sake, forget yourself and fall in love
Be a happy little soldier.

Me be a happy little soldier, Me do what I'm told
Me be a republican, Me be a democrat
Me says the pledge of allegiance, Me says grace
Me salutes the flag, Me dies in wars
Me rapes the women, Me kills the children
Me drops the bomb, Me kills by fire
Me watches reality TV, Me listens to pop music
Me keeps my brain busy, Me be a good American!

Why can I not find a person who knows what the **** they are talking about?
Is it because I'm in Kentucky,
Is it because they all be rednecking  and hilljacking
Is the world really like this?
The world gets better the farther it is from me
Separated from happiness only by distance,
a conquerable foe-
If not already bound in chains by me job and me family and me debt
Or am I lying to myself

Why can I not live in my brain and you live in yours
Build up a fence and let the grass grow wild
Disconnect the telephone lines and hoard food and water
**** in an outhouse and wait for the apocalypse

Sometimes -

I wish The World would burn
And from The Ashes
The Dust would rise
Without The Memories of anything

At all.

You have to take happiness for what it is.
You might be tempted to call it fraud, because it can seem insincere.
Happiness does exist, just not in permanence. Ever.
It is fleeting.
Coming and going like deceitful lovers.
But no, the feeling is there.
It might slip away like a thief in the dark. But it is there for a time.
Enough time to make you believe that life is conquerable,
That your worries are not so daunting.
Just to have the cord ripped away and reality sets in.
On a scale of complacency to desperation,  when did you find yourself reeling?
When did the harshness of life make you lose sight of any meaning?
Candles don't burn forever.
People don't yearn forever.
Change is relative. There's always a constant.
Whatever changes you conceive, are really just repetitions
Occurring on a loop of existence.
This reality has happened before
And you're stuck in a vortex of eternity.
Everlasting is the illusion that we'll catch a glimpse of an illuminated and enlightened existence.
But good doesn't exist without bad. No light without darkness.
And *******, does it get dark..
So elation, take me high, so high.
Just to suddenly drop me from epic elevation.
Crashing hard onto pavement now, you're humbled and removed.
Just sit and ponder you're quest for love and joy, and why you're so ******* undeserving of things that are good.
And why all the flaws of us humans just get in the way and destroy us from the inside out like spontaneous combustion.
Learn to accept them, or dont.
Some can be changed, but some wont.
What can you live with?
Who can you trust?
What can you fake?
It's all one big mind game.
And I'm just a piece on the board. Beginners luck is no more, and I am losing in the war.
Doomed to a series of misfortunes, and feelings of despair.
I look for peace of mind, but it's destined not to stay there.
Accept the impermanence.
Everything in your world is only temporary.
A moment, a feeling, this life..
Choose your temporary with care.
Soon it won't be there.

Like carefree kids we played
Singing and dancing in the rain
Anticipating each day
Couldn't bare to stay away
From each other? No way
Emotionally attached to each other
Envisaging a future together
Woven of many fibres
Even a weavon wasn't tighter
My metre was broken, my joy knew no bounds
My heart skips a beat, ****! I love the sound
The complete that makes my incomplete complete, I've found
In this romantic pool, I wish to drown
My heart I give to you
All of me belongs to all of you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
There's nothing I couldn't do
Careless promises we made
To love each other till we fade
Come hell or high waters
We will forever be lovers
I'll starve, to see you filled
To see you happy I'll bleed
I'll cater for your every need
I'll treat you like royal beads
My capillary, arteries and veins
Were designed to suit your taste
I'll be your Paloma you'll be my Diego
My sugar banana and Avocado
Then I had a deep cut, was bleeding profusely
Stitches and bandages couldn't help unfortunately
I wept uncontrollably
Cos I was shattered internally
What we love hurts us the most
A statement I just got to know
My mind wandered from coast to coast
Grief had taken over my soul
How could this happen to me
How could I be a victim to this
How was I careless
This is arrant nonsense
Was I blind
Were there scales over my eyes
Did I ignore the signs
Did I want to believe all was fine
It was like I would never recover
It was like the wound won't heal
It was like it would last an eternity
It was like respite won't be
The wounds closed up, all that was left was the scar
A painful reminder of a broken heart
Injuries happen Tis inevitable
But the scars reminds us Tis conquerable.

When I'm near to you,
It felt like I'm in heaven.
I hope that you feel it too,
Hence, everything's because of you.

The place turns into heaven,
With only thy presence.
It's truly majestic,
Everything, it seems so perfect.

Your voice were so calm,
Seems like angels singing so fine.
That melody, it's forever in my mind,
I wanna hear it one more time, only if you dont mind.

Forever seems possible,
Any challenge were conquerable.
If I am with you,
I'll do anything for you.

Nothing seems impossible,
For when I'm with you everything's possible.
For that miracle you showed me what's right,
The once hell of darkness, was turned to heavenly lights.

The hellish-red world of mine,
You turned so purely white.
You helped me to stand,
From my hopeless mind.

But then you left, my precious one,
The one that turned my life to heaven, she's now gone.
Like the stars that were hit by our sun,
My life, well, it was always done.

You're always here in my heard,
So always bear that into your mind.
Even though we were now apart,
I'm sure, I can see you in heaven, am I right?

Loss so fresh, like a spear,
it's tip hitting its mark again and again.
The sharp metal cold against the heart,
loss strikes, and always strikes again.

Its sharp bite is known,
known too well.
The poison that follows an unwelcome shadow,
feeding on memories, gorging on despair.

It seemingly stays forever,
never leaves.
Rarely is it defeated, so it would have you believe,
the immortal enemy.

Memories fuel its hunger,
but also your truth.
They are your weapon, your shield, your faith,
the immortal enemy is conquerable.

You make it so.