You share your life, thoughts and feelings
But only in rhymes, riddles, poems and song
Should I ask or is it pulling teeth, causing friction or interrogation
Did someone hurt you so, as much as I  have been
Have we been hurt so much that fear won't let us in
Sometimes our hearts are held by one of feelings are not the same
So do we continue to keep trying, thinking or hoping
            ..... or just fly away.

CMH

Remembering the game I couldn't tell you.
But the hot dog, peanuts, ******* jacks and soda was there.
I didn't understand the rules as I listened to the commentator.
The calming voice and discussions between each pitch.

Remembering the game I couldn't tell you.
But being able to go to Ozone Park to see my grandparents.
I didn't understand the rules as I listened to the commentator.
As I sat on the floor in their living room with grandmas chocolate pudding.

Remembering the game I couldn't tell you.
But being able to watch my friends play softball at Randal Park.
I didn't understand the rules and there was no commentator.
As I was nominated to be the catcher for  just a moment or two.

Remembering the game I couldn't tell you.
But as I once again can relax somewhat in my head laying in bed.
I didn't understand the rules as I listened to the commentator.
The calming voice on the other end was just as calming too.

CMH

There are times you need a mother's love.
And a time you need a mother's hug.
But, you know she'll never be back.
And you feel closed in, shut up and the hurt starts to attack.
It's always nice to know, that there is someone there to hold.

CMH

How does my garden grow,
I wish I could tell you but I don't really know.
You just dig and dig to pull the rocks from the ground.
Sometimes till your fingers are bloodied and sweat just flows down.

It keeps my mind busy to build and grow, to keep thoughts away that hurt just so. I wake so early my mind starts to spin and to feel the dirt between my fingers, to think I am fertilizing this earth with my heart and soul.

Very carefully putting my black matting down to keep the weeds blocked out and keep things at bay. I dig and plant till the fog goes away. The sweat trickling down along the way with salty tears of sorrow.

But as my work becomes complete it is not an ending as I watch the sun rise and seeing the landing of two geese. They just stare and then barely give me a glance. Why do I make such a big garden to plant, if only to share as it grows.

How does my garden grow,
I wish I could tell you but I don't really know.
All I can say is my blood, sweat and tears will tell all and
allow me to share my love, caring and tomorrow.*

CMH

While working my routine at Amazon
picking the same items I always have before
I was trans shipped to trans ship
filling me with anxiety
understanding unfamiliarity
nerve racked novice
sweat trickles down my face
soaking into my PPE.

Two man crew I'm meant to join
black guys wearing reflective vests
"I'm here to help, can you help me?"
blank stare foreground
empty workload background
perplexed aesthetic
French accented walls muffle communication
I form a reluctant alliance with repetition
yet my counterpart understands everything I say.

Their patience eases my troubled mind
when my capability falls short of my enthusiasm
hand gestures guide me free of frustration
I stay silent, only saying
"I'd talk more but I figure it'd be a hassle"
my learning ambassador understands
but his extra steps start a conversation
creating comforting small-talk acclimating aliens.

Sydna and Josue from Ivory Coast and Congo respectively
and respectful was all I wanted to be
yet I got the impression Josue was uncomfortable
after I had brought up gold, diamonds, and oil
but Sydna had taken control of the conversation
telling me all about the lottery he won to be here
I wondered what lottery's prize was living in Cincinnati
to work a factory job in Hebron.

We work bundling totes together
printing confusing and mysterious tags
reading ACY, CMH, SDF, JFK, or CSG
these bundles will be leaving CVG eventually
carried away on skids
to their indifferent destination
of the same capitalist company
just at another fulfillment center.

I guess I should be more grateful
to be in the poor nation of transportation
but I'm not—I'd rather be picking
where I can communicate with compatriots freely
but I'm far away from the south mod now
near the north side red tag area talking to strangers
it's just a shame
because there's plenty of material where I came from
but transitory shipment is where the work is.

I couldn't sleep at all last night, felt like I woke with a fright.
When I woke I couldn't keep still, sorted through boxes filled.
I quickly stopped myself and looked out at the night.
So clear so bright the stars were as they beckoned me.
Was like a kid in Pj's and robe on, blanket at my side.
I strode outside and lay looking straight up at the twinkling lights.
There was a chill but yet staring up at the stars I warmed.
No thoughts, no worries, no goals, no nothing.
Just watched the late night planes blinking.
Listening to the late night country noises.
It was the third night to see a meteor shower.
All I could think was once, twice three strikes your OUT.
Don't give up have faith, hope and be patient.
Made myself sit still, no fidgeting and took a deep breath.
Then as quick as could be I saw the fast stream of light.
So beautiful, the sparkle, the flight..........CMH

Dear Lord hear my prayer make him leave
for now I am in dis-pare.
The TBI has taken hold
and there is no longer any love to uphold.
Dr. Jekyll verses Mr. Hyde
I fear either who is by my side.
There is no longer the marriage for me to complete
as the sickness and health is now verbal abuse and not able to retreat.
I will stay strong as I go through these steps, my pastor and friends do not protest.  
This week will be hard stressed as this separation I no longer contest.  
Allow me to just live a little longer to enjoy the happiness I ponder.
To share myself once more and hear the giggles of a grandchild's wonder.
I give my whole heart unto you and know you will do what you think to be true.*

CMH

To feel like you want to write, but the words elude you.
The words start from the time you wake, but what are they saying.
Do I write of the good times and memories in my heart.
Can I write of the hurt and pain of so much time lost.
Baring of the words that deal with how I am damaged goods.
Or opening that door giving yourself permission to love once more.

To feel like you want to write, but the words elude you.
As you go through your daily day, bring your book write each word.
It will all come to you each sentences, emotion, smells or feelings.
They will give you the power of hope and strength.
Don't let those things that give you turmoil hold your words.
Don't let them constrict your throat
to where you have no voice, no heart, no words..........

CMH

I am strong, virile with so much energy.
Work is complete no job too small too big.
If it's an emergency immediately taken care of in my hands.
I am singing, dancing pulling in my senses.
Knowing, feeling, understanding the strength of my physical being.
Only to struggle with the strength of my inner thoughts.
As I sing enjoying the vibration of cords, to then feel as though something constricts and I sing no more.
As I try to speak the words I want need to say something constricts and I speak no more.
I am strong, I can be strong as I feel my physical being and my inner soul sense a balance coming in the air.
I look up at the night holding the stars in my site inhaling and exhaling.
I am thankful ....I am strong

CMH

You see the words before you and as you read you concede.
It slowly pulls you in, holding you towards you next word.
Making you think about what words actually mean.

Enthralled in the wave of sentences which make you tear or sigh.
Wishing you could actually be what it is that you read deep inside.
Making you think, cry, smile, laugh, eat, drink or whine.

Each word embellished so they are not misconstrued perceived.
As it pulls you in and wraps your surroundings that you must abide.
Feeling the warmth as some may have you holding tight.

Seeing each word like the brush on a canvas.
The smudge of your pastels or charcoal pencil.
The strokes of the paint as you add darkness or color.

You see they can bring out who you are, what you feel or say.
Some may have you just be still and enjoy what you can not hide.
Having the fire, the ice, the shutter, the glance or to quiver.

Words from a dictionary or other inspiring material.
They are just words until meaning is put fourth with heart.
And with heart is where they lay.

CMH

I watched how he walks from a young girls eyes.
The steps he takes to go from room to room down the hall
So determined, strong and straight forward.
I avoid, annoyed and walking through my own rooms and halls.
One day as his pace slowed to a stop, my body stiffening
holding my school books tighter and tighter.
He jokingly leaned his arm on the wall above my head and spoke words still to this day I do not remember.
But his voice so calm, caring and remembering his eyes shook me.

Many years have come and gone.
There was pain, happiness and what I thought was to be my life not knowing, understanding life missed.
Blocking out the bad you block out the good.
My body stiffened with fear and dismay of what I thought I should be or do.
Moving place to place thinking it will be better.
Not having, making roots, avoiding hurt.

As I sat by my computer with chills from fever.
this dismay of steps I had to learn to make to change my life, my future.
Searching for, learning as I chat with friends from long ago, who remembered my strength, faith and love.
As I start to remember me and what is in me.
I look at old pictures of mine and friends shared.
Only to see those eyes that shook me.

His words are still calm and caring, His heart as big and kind. His strength, anger, dismay understood.  But so many years have come and gone.
I don't not know how to explain. His arms so strong around me, His lips kiss so soft and wanting.
Misunderstood stiffening of my body from his touch.
Only to realize it was stiffening of want, not to avoid and run.
But to stay.......


CMH

A bright blue light
     which sparks up the night.

The tremble of the ground
     as the water comes down.

The smacks and plopping
     of the drips dropping.

The wind as it swirls
     watching puddles doing twirls.

The blue light stops
and there are no drops
and the trembles are no longer beneath.*


CMH

Life is full of time and space
that's what it is time and space.
sometimes the space your in is not filled with the right things.
And yet the time seems right but not for all.
Life is full of time and space
full of doors and windows to open or close
just be ready for when you open that door or window
That time and space is right for all.

CMH

The day has been hot and humid almost hard to breathe.
But as the light breeze came through with just a small storm.
It allowed for a sunny break and birds sweeping across the pond.

As the sun pulls away larger, darker clouds begin to appear.
And silent bright but quiet lightening flashing in the distance.
I watch listening to the peeping and croaking along the waters edge.

The lightening bugs Oh sooo many dancing along the top of the grass.
To share such a sight, arms holding tight and lips caressing in the dark.
If only, If only to be able to share such a sight.......

CMH

I need validation
For I feel like my words mean nothing
I need my own space
To feel like I can be myself

I don’t know how to say it
Without feeling ungrateful
It scares me to be vulnerable
In fear of being unheard

I care too much
Or maybe not enough
I don’t know anymore
But what if I do

I don’t know how to do this
And you’ve got so much experience
Am I doing this all wrong
Am I doing anything right

How am I supposed to know
When we only talk at night
Our feelings are strong
And our minds aren’t straight

I feel like I only upset you
Or say the wrong thing
I’ll mind my own business
And drive myself insane
-CMH

There is healing and breaking
and at this point,
I’m not sure which one I am
the walls have been falling down
for quite some time now.

I’ve come to look at other people
as kerosene
turning my flickering flame
into a whole house fire

I wish I could burn this hearth
to the ground
and ignore the tugging and
snapping in my chest

I wonder if you would understand
how my organs are punctured
how I kiss bones rather than lips
because I don’t want soft
I want fragile
breakable

(snap)

This pain,
this anguish never
belonged to me
there’s another soul inside
of me
swallowing me whole.
— cmh