Drowning in the lows of social interpretation of trust and true friendships
Leading my peers in unrecognizable intimidation that haunts my words and actions
The meaningless words I say haunt my spirit and gives me one more  demon on my shoulder
"Just take one more, you'll forget" it says
My Control of Dependance never wins, the Benzo family welcomes me with warming thoughts of peace and stress free thinking that no other particle in this universe would replace.  
My half empty bottle yells at me and reminds my stricken brain to keep it together
The crave is unnoticed and I think nothing of it until I wake
The vicious cycle lasts all day long and never goes away, nothing stops
The wheel spins as the pain and fear stab me along the way
I loose everyone and everything I have that makes me, me.
Nothing I know makes sense anymore,
Anything I do for myself seems useless and pathetic
The speed in of my surroundings is never ending and there is no one behind or in front to lead me
The paper trail of various mind warping pills lead my trail of life, giving me the warmth of their family's love as I drop each one under my tongue
Giving me the strength that God doesn't give me

What lies in store for a mind so divine,
Could never find, something like this can never be fully defined.
So I wait to see the unfolding of this amazing gift, though not mine.
There is high intrigue within your space, the kind of space I have not explored in ages.
Heartfelt words that regenerate my deepest thoughts.
I had eliminated the possibility of finding your kind. You appeared among the wolves and re-colored my imagination.
I wondered if your kind is still made, still exists...you proved me right when you gave me a glimpse to your thoughts.
Like a garden of splendor, with abundant treasure and amazing sights.
All capsuled in gold, I never want to depart from your side.
I say these words very carefully...thinking very deeply about where they could possibly lead.
Who you belong to is blessed...truly blessed since your mind posses depth and truth.
It is unknown where this will go, yet mentally entertaining, it also seems appealing.
Dangerous and exciting, a thrill known to cause heartache.
Clearly there is a rare connection if I write about it, you found dwelling in my words and stamped your arrival in my life, bringing on a surge of fresh air.
It is greatly unique that there is still a person of your calibre.
Every passing minute has you traveling along with my thoughts.
I reserve my heart, and protect my feelings.
I dread to hear the forbidden words yet I still lure the attraction.
Where will we go with this, countable is the length we've spoken and shared thoughts and every time I am left longing for more.
You are not mine and I should not wish you leave your other.
It would be so cheap of me. I'm tossed in the waves of a man who posses so much peace, importance,appeal....
We should keep this overflowing interest, this brewing interest that I suspect will lead nowhere.
I am intrigued by you, enticed by you. Don't want this to blossom, sense it'll get trampled on so fast from the realities we live in.
Words we share are pieces to a beautiful picture, stealing glances of our souls to paint the voices of our dreams.
Every detail of your personality resounds with beauty, delight and pure joy.
This feeble bubble I don't wish to destroy,
I simply relish in conversing with a mind so extraordinary.
There is so much I wish to share with you yet it would not be fair because you don't belong me.
My heart is wrapped in anticipation...waiting to hear from you.
There is so much I would say yet I hold back, out of respect  since I hold you on a high pedestal.
One I know you well deserve to be on, all despair vanishes when I hear from you.
Your fundamental likes are all similar to mine, it stuns me that we are in-line.
You inspire me to conceive words and thoughts of beauty, buried truth.
That clearly give account of how you make you feel.



Thandi Xaba 30 October 2013

I lie upon the soft field grasses,
and look up upon the blue.
To ease the mind to rest,
and let my eyes take in the view.

Vapour shaped by wind,
that drifts high upon the restful scene.
To float upon the pastel,
leaving no trace where it has been.

Shapes of white and grey,
like soft pillows in the air.
That by some subtle contortion,
transform, 'til naught is there.

Others drift across the daylight,
as if on some predestined course.
propelled across the sky,
by a breath of nature's unseen force.

I wonder where they go,
what bidding do they do.
As they glide along their way,
until far beyond my capsuled view.

Sun's warmth in temporary instalments,
as shadows come and go.
The shade and shadow's fall,
slightly cool all that is far below.

Through my eyes now closed,
of soft patterns I remain complete aware.
As warmth and slight chill mark the clouds,
that march upon the springtime air.

Dusk of the decade.
Dynamics alternate.
Collective consciousness
On the threshold of change.
A movement had happened.
It was to stay.
That way.
Assumed wrongly.
Permanancy is chalk.
Duster enough to erase.
Decade of contradictions
Revolution leads to war.
Mirror view image.
Evidence of change..
The Seventies became.
Aurora like a thousand searchlights.
Whipping across the sky.
Pulling out all stops to Kingdom come
To stop the atrocities in Vietnam.
Neil and Buzz.
Aboard the Apollo eleven ,
Small step was humility,
Giant leap for humanity.
Bob and Carl,
At the Post.
Navigated by *******.
Investigate Watergate
All the President's men
Final days for Nixon's reign.
Beat Generation, Flower Power ,hippie movement or Counterculture.
Christened by Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg.
Capsuled the mood in the air.
Ken Kesey and the Grateful Dead
Acid Trips taken on a Bus.
Experimental tour on
Music and drugs.
Civil Rights and Dr King
Another battle about the skin.
Won the Nobel.
Proving everyone is equal.
Wars, Marches ,Protests.
Illustrated in bedrooms.
Live television was the boom
Horrors of War ,seen by all.
Casualties of  War Were in every room.
Rock Music explosion.
Nexus with the counterculture generation.
Talents aligned
Bands formed
Music into existence.
Legends born.
Myths created.
Millions gathered
Traditions established
Parables designed
Life altered
Generations affected.
effect felt , effortlessly.
Captivating? fascinating? entrancing? hypnotic?
Words can't describe.
wasted words .
Demiurges  divinity diminished dramatically.
Drastically devoid.
Haight and Ashbury.
Cradle of Counterculture.
Intersection of both.
Became the Cross
worshipped upon
Beatnik a fish out of water.
Took to the crossing like a fish to water.
Contradiction in words
Unity in Society
Gathered in entirety
For the Summer of love.
Civil rights and Vietnam War.
Gay rights and Nuclear War.
Women Power and Human Sexuality.
Sub Cultures and Anti Authoritarian.
Bohemian and Mind Bending drugs
Ikigai for Millions
I'm the Greatest the world has ever seen.
Heavyweight champion and king of the ring.
Rumble in the jungle
Thrilla in Manilla
Foreman and Frazier
Bout after bout
Showed  the world what Ali was about.
Many are called ,few are chosen .
Scandinavian Teenager
Tennis' first rock star
Grass or Clay
Dominated the play
Resembled Chirist
Bjorn Borg was a delight
Raised by women to conquer men
Jimmy Connors became a legend
Winning titles was a cinch
Played 5 generations and 2 decades without a flinch.
Longevity laudable
Point or Life
The offer he made.
Battle of the sexes
The Great Billie Jean king.
Gave the women's movement a zing
Grasping at the straws,
Bobby Riggs the competitor
Remained a spectator
Astrodome witnessed a milestone
Billie beat Bobby
Three sets to none
Quality questioned
Answer given
Inferior no woman
King remained Queen.

Cinema of the 70 s
Greatest ever made
Censorship boundaries blurred
Artistic expression blossomed
Studio system failed
Television boomed
Auteurs and Polymaths
Actors and Superstars
Collaborated .
Symbiosis enriched
Individual and Team. Delighted Disciples  Demanded  .
Studios responded
Classics  in order
One equal to the other
Talent made them timeless
Quality gave them immortality
Excellence brought Endurance.
Warner Brothers and Warren Beatty.
Bonnie and Clyde .
Canadian Premiere.
Jumping off point.
Films that altered lives.
These films have no death
Proved Montreal as holy as Nazareth.
Fashion was about expression.
Androgynous looks
Reigned supreme.
Wearing Tee Shirts and Levi's Strauss Jeans.
Bold and Daring was the theme
Stand out and Fit in
Principle behind the dressing.
Turtlenecks
Heeled boots,  braided belts , Corduroy pants.
Long collared shirts  leisure suits and flowing scarves.
The 70 s was more about costume than clothing.
Hairstyles and Sunglasses
Unique in itself.
Retro and relevant
Stylish and current
Smart and trending
In and out.

Victory is of the self.

Another threadbare exchange to leave my spirit in poverty.
Nothing I remember but the time we drifted near my planetary ego.

Planet.
You know the Greeks called it aster planetai? The star that moves.

Why be something I’m not?

It was always about me – the bloated body expelled into space.
I can be less grotesque. I can be less absolute.
I can be less dead sooner over later.

But why be something I’m not?

I am the object of my own worship, and I shall take no gods before me.
In lieu I’ll take them with me.

They the minor idols, capsuled icons, escape pods burnt in the crazy science fiction fires of atmosphere re-entry.

Everyone was all the time fleas flaked off my solar bodyship, seeking exaltation in pursuit ex nil ad nihil.
I’d apologize for my deceptions, but I’ve got a lot to learn about remorse and little time to learn it.

Horror genre, body to cosmic. Gaze you, the invited subject, upon the approaching sun from the whet of my exhausted maw.

Burn out your eyes.

Who is greater than the sun? Who can talk more than me? It's become my occupation.

Matches made with flesh and fuel wait for the final fade to white.

Forest of skin
no longer will I trace your topography

The petrichor
- gone -
exiled from capsuled prison

Your face lain peaceful beside me
Indifference will grow
cored apple - shriveled
Hopefully fertile for another

Silence and stranger
Two existences
Will again
Possess between one another
relationship - destruit - redefined
compost ready cores

Deep in the silence that cannot speak
There is a sadness that blooms and breathes
Battered by twigs and fallen leaves
Lungs of air thin and bristle ribs
Blossoms of dark trajectories
Skeleton figures in submarines
Drowning in lies of jubilee
Halos to hold to sink or swim
Beauty in scars of skin cut deep
Loving the thrill of broken swings
Capsuled in valleys far from dreams
Living on salt and crystalline
Lucidly slipping on ice so thin
Autumn in winter summer springs
Nomads run free on vast prairies
Flowing through veins of tributaries
Tasting the new blood on their lips
Lining a cusp between their hips
Blade descends slowly tongue in cheek
Building a palace with their twin teeth

Deep in the silence that cannot speak
There is a sadness that blooms and breathes
Sadness in brooding symphony
Sadness in chants of majesty
Sadness that rises like morning glory
Sadness that flourishes like a disease
Tracing our bones from link to link
Constellate like stars and planet rings
Sadness that thrives on melancholy
And the synthesis of metal and skin

Goodbye.

It pains me to say this to you because I honestly don’t want it to come from me but I have to. So goodbye.

We were in the brink of something so beautiful but you chose to end it because of something I still find too shallow. It honestly makes me wonder how it will be if we pushed through but the fact that it was so easy for you to let me go made me think that, “I guess it won’t end well if we continue.” Fears will always be present, babe. The key is not to let it get to you but it did, and in a bad way.

I can’t even begin to imagine how our life would be like though, you know, if we continue. And the more days go by, the more I doubt myself if I want this. Well, scratch that. I want this so badly, but I don’t think it will work. I am torn between giving this a shot with all my might and just letting this go because I know in the months to come, the pain will be more unbearable.

Our personalities just don’t mix well with this frustratingly uncontrollable issue. You fear that when you leave me soon, we will be worse than what we are now. That’s why you think it will be easier for you to leave without having any extra baggage, me. My friends called you a coward, but some people just don’t understand. They don’t understand the depth of the situation because simply, they’re not in it. They can say all they want to and anticipate how it’s like being in our places right now but they’re never going to understand the pain and the feelings in between that go with the situation. They just don’t.

We were a perfect match. And I guess because of that, we burnt out. I feel like there’s a huge void inside me and I can’t make any sense out of it, because we were never together but you made such a huge impact. We were, are, and will be nothing but an ALMOST.

But if anything, I want to let you know how much I loved our little infinity capsuled in a span of 1 month. Many great things happened in that short amount of time that never happened in the years I’ve had with anyone else. And I will always be grateful for that. I now know that I deserve a love like that, and more. You showed me how it was to feel special and to be appreciated for who I am, flaws and all. I was the most beautiful girl in your eyes and I hope one day we'll find our way back and give our love another try. I hope that when that day comes, we'll continue our story rather than just leave it with an ellipsis.

I guess I’ll still be here for you though, but in a different way. I’ll always be your cousin’s classmate who made your heart skip a beat at day one. I’ll always be the girl who knows how to make you laugh even when you’re not in the mood and I’ll always be that stubborn “almost” girlfriend who made you feel like you were the best “almost” boyfriend.

Take care of yourself, big guy. Goodbye.

Contact - Pews with no use, a forgotten passage treacled, serving the timbre of resonance
Fundamental mistake agreed upon - Taken in turns, compromise youth, stripes of black tape, holding in, holding down - With such emotion

A feeling, an instinct - Complex in nature, futile in structure - Sigil-like and abrupt - Bursting forth a cacophony of irreverence
Yet, buried vast leagues underneath, the reflex of upset digestion in a tank of split hairs
Full/Frugal

This is within the borders of communication - Feedback - Crossed between importance
Cornerstones moss covered, sinking to the bottom of refuse
Candy & gum flavoured coastal reefs - Hardening on the decay of brimstone and salt
My ego is capsuled, exerting pressure equally from all angles

A fishing hook, on a fishing rod - Cast into a culture of aplomb
Plum knives, bread, buried under volcanoes - Just far away enough, shielded by brass
Squashed inside my grandmother's tin - Old, rustic and wilting
Baking our ancestry into extinction - Corroding, and creating callous embassy

Just long enough, to settle our stomachs - I dance.

You're asleep, I think
I can tell by the way your lung contents are squeezed from your nostrils
In ever so slightly a more
Forceful motion than when we lie awake
hiding from each other behind eyelids.
And your recycled air brushes my forehead
And I think dustily of how the same molecules
Dance in my lungs
That have visited yours.

And our skin coloured mountains form scapes
On the expanse of wrinkled bed sheet
And I am dead still
As I try to keep this frozen hug
In a capsuled memory
To recall on one of the nights
You can't make it.

today marks your twenty second birthday,
the day right before my own

last year
after I turned twenty one
I went back to my apartment and cried all night
because it was the first time I was ever a year older than you
because you will forever be time capsuled
six feet under ground
at twenty years young

the night you died
I missed the phone call from our mutual bestfriend
and in the morning I woke up in disbelief;
finally got a hold of your brother;
found out what really happened;
and that you were really gone

I sat in contemplative silence for a long time in your honor
or maybe it was in anger
I can't exactly remember...

All I know is
I hope you cursed yourself when you realized what you did
your body going limp
a final hushed exhale
escaping from your motionless lips
are moments I try not to recreate in my mind
but for the first few months
every time I closed my eyes  
all I could envision were
your emerald green ones
going dim

your mother;
fine china shattering on the floor -
tiny perfect pieces of herself, forever scattered in disarray
I promise you she is still stepping on your pieces
shards of who you once were scaring her daily  

the truth is
I know you never meant to cause damage
but breaking is what happens
when so much is left up for subjective interpretation
and brutal speculation

on the day of your funeral
when the pastor said your name
I thought about laughing out loud, because
you certainly would have;
you would have been the first to crack a joke
at the seriousness of it all
but somehow knowing that
couldn't pull me out of the lament
I was drowning in

as I said my final goodbyes I could hardly breathe
the oxygen, thick in its lack of substance,
was a density unlike any other

I looked down upon your face
no longer looking quite like the one
I remember you wearing
while you still walked among the living

a note from our high school years
found in a keepsake box under your bed
made its way from my cold damp hands into your dry stiff ones
I pushed it gently into the open space in between your fingers and palm  
and I touched your arm, as if somehow
this gesture could comfort you
and let you know I still loved you
just as much as I always have

walking away from your casket
I remembered the one time we got high before Sunday mass
I thought maybe this
was God playing a joke on us
I thought perhaps this was some type of
divine and perverted revenge

most days I miss you without trying
but honestly, there are also days
where I don't think about you at all
those are the times everything feels normal
and I can almost be convinced
that as soon as I am back in New York we will
be driving around town listening to Dave Matthews,
drinking beers around a bonfire,
and having full conversations through a single glance

except the instant my mind catches my heart
pretending that you are just a phone call away
I am forced to
silently surrender to the reality that;

tomorrow is December 9th
and there we be singing
and cake
and candles
and alcohol
and gifts
and life
for the girl
wearing a counterfeit smile

while today
all we there was
was a melancholy remembrance
of the existence
of a boy
who died too soon

A young little girl,
numb, complicated, and insignificant.
Pained, rejected, and craved for affection,
Searching for someone like you to fill my emptiness.
Somehow you found me when I needed you the most.
A young woman packed with the responsibility of an isolated child requiring a lifetime of attention.  
An immediate connection was formed beyond my comprehension.
You quickly became my hero.
Someone I admired and loved.
Someone I hoped to become.
You cradled and moved me into your life.
I watched and learned from you.
Showing me what unconditional love was.
Guiding me to chase my dreams and accomplish
my goals.
Believing in me when I couldn't.
Deciding I was significant enough to take the time in coaching me to believe in myself.
Delivering me with hope.
Surrounding me with beauty making the ugliness around me less painful.
Investing in me and making me feel worthy.
You became my family, an image I didn't entirely recognize was essential until I met you.

You were the mother I always wanted.
You wrapped your arms around my soul twenty five years ago and never let go.  
Your warmth still protects me today.
Providing consistency and stability in my life of chaos.
Showing me that I could be loved.
Instilling morals, work ethic, values, and kindness with every conversation you had with me.  
You carried me when I needed you,
and trusted me enough to let me fall at times.
Helping me collect and glue the pieces of my mistakes back together.
Passing on your knowledge and wisdom.
Allowing for my immaturity and ignorance to flee.
You continued to be my hero as our relationship strengthened.

You were my teacher.
Teaching me of my endless potential.
Giving me a crash course on the fundamentals of education, by making me understand them.
Showing me how to correct my wrongs, and how to avoid repeating them.
Giving me everything I missed out on.
Teaching me how to love others and how to live in the world I felt so alienated from.

You were my sister, always with the best advice.
There to see things from a more global and wiser perspective.
Permiting me to broaden my vision of circumstances.
Looking up to you, and seeking your approval.

You were my best friend; most cherished and most respected.
Understanding me fully, and accepting all my flaws.
Fun times, plenty of laughs, and dancing the nights away.
Consoling me during my breakdowns.
The friend I could spend every waking moment with, and never wanting to part.
Missing you when we weren’t together.

Somewhere between my graduation, wedding day, and the birth of my children.
Something amazing happened.
A combination of all these established time capsuled relationships evolved.
One reinvigorated relationship.  
A unique bond that can never be replicated or explained.
Every time I think of you, my cluttered mind becomes simplified as I smile with appreciation.
Having you by my side, a precious gift.
My hectic thoughts elude me leaving me with one word.
Hero!
I am the outcome of your love and support.
You helped shape me and continue to do so.
You will always have an unbreakable link to my heart.
You are and always will be my hero :)

© Jl 2015

Whoop, wow, careful now
Don't slip don't fall
Don't break into a misty skip
While dull as ditchwater sirens call

Keep your balance, toe the cord
You have stolen someone's sorrow,
Safety nets long rotted away
From expecting gone what's here tomorrow

But think with what grace you have left
And don your jester cap once more
What spasmic leaps you made, what fun
You got to see while on the saw

Up and down and Romeo
You capsuled dose of fun, you joy
Stop leaping over fields of mould
Stop making endurance your toy

I'll crack the whip and flair your shackles,
Shiver, shake, for soon you'll see
A spirit of pain has blown through with the wind,
But pass it shall, as easily

Through the white screen door,
Down broken steps of burned bark
A rusty swing set, red
Buried in Autumn.

Years passed since I sat,
In thick plastic seats
Now are weathered and cracked.

The vines of snakes
Hug the legs, winding and twisting.

Ripe
Sticky summer in-capsuled in growing memories
Of all the years I sat
And picked away at the berries.
At the end of the succulent days,
My fingers, stained
Red.

-Am I okay?
-No , you are not.
-Am I hesitant?
-No, not at all.
-Am I self-obsessed?
-Maybe, a little.
-Am I oversweet?
-I'd say - bitter.
-Am I perplexed,overwhelmed, dazed or ... am I pure rage, capsuled?
-Truth is that you are just great and absurd.

When you see, seer
The perfection in it all, bang
You’ve lost a point of view
Then are you utterly alone
Like the clown
All around the three ring
Circus-goers
Laugh at the absurd thing
Never suspecting how utterly profound.
Is the life of a clown.

How many bangs have birthed you then
Imprisoned primordial bangs
Bursting the unsuspecting cosmos
What a long childhood you’ve had,
While god watched
From his bang, bang launch pad
Millions of light years went by
Bang, bang
Billions of light tears he cried
Eventually, bang you appear
After
A lustful specialty bang  
Sped spermful and hopeful
To an ultimate conclusion
Destinies union.
You then,
Orchestrating bang-bang moments of between
Beautiful verdant in bloom bangs
Hang from your spring and summer tree
Of your budding truth
Of your hopeful youth
Time capsuled shutter flutter
Contemplative baby bangs soothing
The Epiphanius bang of instant recognition
Bangs so soft
They're hardly bangs at all
Being more like a soft bubble bursting
A quiescent sound
Infinite in its stillness.
Nothing to forgiveness

Then came
The bangs of the winter of your discontent
Explosive in its silent rage
Shattering the iron of its irony
The rage in its engage
The fury in its fleeing
Blind-sighted by seeing
Justified in its sage rage

Follow the bang gang
Puerile and untouched
In its rarest invisible form
Placated and felted
Velvet experiencer
Must touch.
Must taste
Must be seen
Must be to be to be.

Without the sacrificial lamb
You stand
Alone
Neither prey nor predator
Merely a spectator
To a dictator.
You’ve known all along

And frown at the clown
That was only trying to make you laugh.

The girl who got away
Blocked her account
And left me with her memories
The girl who got away
Won't look at me now
But, will notice me in a crowdy street
The girl who got away
Probably, likes watching movies with someone else
But, watches the same movies we watched all over again
The girl who got away
Probably, got a lot better in terms of physicality
But, her heart is a bunch of bandages wrapped with each other
The girl who got away
Loves reading books
But, cannot bear to stop imagining life without reality
I just keep finding her in that library called love
The girl that got away
Met me for the last time
Leaving an everlasting memory which said, "I've moved on."
I finally understood what it meant after I loved someone else
And finally, when I gave back the books, I took from her on rent
She appeared to have become a cautionary tale
Quite quaint isn't it?
Unless I have moved on with dignity
And gratitude on display
Here's my book in a time capsuled by nature
Titled "Gratitude"
For a lover's fortitude
Each fortnight, this love story brings me strength for eternity
For swingin' lovers looking for respect

Far away, I hear the sounds
a stampede of footsteps
rushing off into another phase
One day lost, another one to be
Hoping for a world of eternity
caring for the things everyone's dropped
aging into oblivion, hardening into rock
one job, two job, three job, and four
plus several more
pitiful memories
and a future that's bleak
feeling sorry and needing mercy
A prisoner, a slave, and nothing more
forced to endure this timing cold
made to bicker, chosen to be
just another old thing
Missing it, that very it
to make a home, a nest, an adobe hut
impulsive, yes, but shallow, no
scarred by time, yes, biased, no
Conceited, prideful, and not careful
loud, very proud, without a doubt
candid, poetic, confused, a liar
pathological, cunning, deceiving, evil
anything bile, nothing close to angelic
a drug, a drug, and some luck
To pull this day into a better day
even though the odds are in
very many odds, oh yes, so many odds
made to ponder, made to doubt or flounder
with a tiny pill, capsuled with orange and yellow
forced to swallow, forced to appreciate
At least, I said how I feel

the open arms of my beloved
will welcome me no more
the coffee iris
shan't lay it's grace
onto my pathetic capsuled being

i have seen the passion fade
the laugh die away in the distance
i have to keep my distance
shame me

i am but a shell
of rotting flesh
and boiling blood
decomposing consumed meat and grass

i have been boiled down to the bones
that keep me intact
with the space and time
i wanted to banish myself from

being pushed to the limits
of my insanity and mortal body