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Mary Kate Apr 2018
when i look
in the mirror,
i do not see the
“oh my god, you’re so skinny,”
i do not see the
“you need to eat more,”
not the
“there’s no way you’re not anorexic,”
not the
“i wish my body looked like yours.”
when i look
in the mirror,
i see the
“you’re fat,”
i see the
“she’s skinnier than you,”
i see the
“you need to be skinny, or you won’t get a husband,”
i see the
“eat less,”
i see the
"you need to be the skinniest one in your friend group,"
i see the
trans fat
saturated fat
cholesterol
sodium
dietary fiber
sugar
protein
Calorie Count.
Mystic Ink Plus Sep 2018
On every visit
I was encouraged
To burn more

From,
XXXL to XXL
XXL to XL
XL to L
L to M

Now
I feel great
Sense of achievement

Easier to breathe
Easier to move
Genre: Clinical Inspirational
Theme: On Global Obesity Trend
Jarene Oct 2018
34
24
34
the numbers controlling my life
the numbers that i strive to be
pure perfection
causing my body to eat itself
while it withers away
into nothingness

im exhausted
trapped in hell
a hell created by numbers on a measuring tape
just one less calorie and i'll be okay
i'll be happy
finally beautiful enough

300
the calories fueling me through my days
as i drag along
until i find myself
closer
to the edge
of self destruction

deeper in hell i fall
trapped even further in the darkness
praying i can find my way
back to the light
back to sanity

ugh
i want my life back
i want to know what it is like
to wake up in the morning loving yourself
to look in the mirror not hating
every aspect
of the person
in front of you
to get through a day without
having to shield your face
to hide the burning tears
rolling down your cheeks  
to not have the
destructive thoughts
waiting
to drag you though the dirt
when you think you are finally okay

i want to know what it's like to be me
again
Join me on my journey to self love and enlightenment. Through all the pain, the good days, and the bad. This is me in the raw, completely bare, and valunarable. This is for al the people out there that are also suffering. Let's grow together. You are not alone!!!
Madeline Kennell Jul 2016
think of ice cream melting so you have to lick it off the sides of the cone

think of holding hands with a boy for the first time

think of being *****- not a gross ***** but ***** like you worked so hard today that you deserve this 800 calorie meal

think of the sounds of summer when you close your eyes, of a slight wind and the chimes that they blow about on your grandmother's porch

and speaking of grandmothers, and their porches, think of how you discovered watercolours in that very place

and think of coming home from a long day at the pool and watching the rain on your porch while you feel your skin cool down and you drink that amazing caramel tea

think of climbing the tree to get to the wall to climb on the garage roof and watch the clouds roll in over the mountains

think of the feel of the first time you got to hold a baby bunny and how in a way this made you see God

think of that feeling when you hiked the mountain even though your hip was broken and you got to the top and said 'i did it'

think of when you swam in the ocean and all your troubles ran off into the water and left you forever because the water was the pacific

think of putting on all that makeup and your prom dress just because you felt like it

think of dancing in the rain with your sister when the grass smelled sweet and the dirt was soft like a carpet and you felt at one with the world

think of cooking when billie holiday belts it from a record player and you sip red wine and pop the tomatoes in your mouth and your curls dangle in your vision

think of running off stage and getting high fived and glowing because you just successfully became someone else for a scene

think of that wonderful little secret joy you get from seeing that look he gives you when you're not looking... he just doesn't know you're staring at a glass reflection

think of how you have no money and the waitress is at one time annoyed with you because you can't afford a milkshake but grins as she walks away because she was that crazy kid too

think of the love you feel on your birthday when so many people made a special time to buy you something they think you'll like. even if you don't

think of falling asleep in the arms of someone you love and feeling like everything is in the perfect place and you are safe

think of the way cathedrals go up and up in the gothic style and how you understand the phrase heavenly light and feel yourself become weightless as you lean your head back

think of being cuddled in a soft blanket with hot chocolate while it snows, how you know your cheeks are pink and nose is rosy but it's all due to the world baring winter with you

think of thanksgiving and family and eating so much but being together because you are from the same people and you share blood and you are bound

think of swinging around your new haircut because you have nothing touching your shoulders and it ends so quickly and is new

think of drinking wine with your girlfriends in your pajamas and being classy together

think of backpacking through europe and how the locals know you are there to experience the real stuff and not some tour bus nonsense that never lets you stop at this little cafe you want to love

think of finishing a long book that shows wear on the covers that lets everyone know you smelled it paid so much attention to it for so long

think of falling asleep after a long day and knowing you deserve it and you are happy and all the bad is gone from your life. You've coughed out the demons and cried out the poison and you're now a week sober of sadness and everything is getting better and it's not even uphill from here, it's a sleigh ride now
I fell like dialing your number and hearing your voice,
But I don’t want to be that weak person, between us;
I rather will find other reasons to be weak;

I would rather breakup my sobriety
and drink up before its noon;
I would rather cryout in public
I rather quit nonsmoking tag,
I rather gulp chocolate and giveup on calorie counts
I rather text myself hearts,
and prove that I am weak;

Yes,I will not call you; I am not weak;
I wish I never met you ana.
I wish I didn't fall for your trap.
You call me fat
And make me breakdown.
You pulled me in,
With hands of barbed wire
And tore me into pieces,
When I didn't listen
To your screams
Of "DON'T EAT, YOU FAT PIG."
You hurt me so much
That I began to hurt myself.
I so badly wanted to get you out of my head
That I took a blade to my legs
And burned my skin.
You made my life a living nightmare
And world full of regrets.
Even 1 calorie over my limit
Sent me into a whirlpool of guilt
And shame.
You promised me coinfidence I didn't have,
Nor will ever receive.
I know you're not real,
And I know you're a fragment of my own psychological pain,
But,
You made me become a victim of my own mind.
Trust me, it sounds much more dramatic and powerful when you're hysterically crying
J Oct 2018
Would every frustration
Cease to exist
If I were
Ten pounds thinner?

Or might I
Be more equipped
to assist
If i just ate some freaking dinner?

Oh ‘my fitness pal’
I’m onto you now.
You aren’t my friend I guess
If you just cause me to obsess
Over every step and calorie
And of every single setback...
you must remind me constantly.

Remind me there’s way more to it all
Than being super thin
And that being healthy truly is
The only way to win.
I have been on the front lines of a stupid lifelong war with food and logic.  This is a real thing even though it seems silly to people who don’t experience it.  Figuring out how much you have to excercise to work off a snickers is most definitely a thing.  If you get this, it’s worth it to eat and eat smartly.  It will help you think more rationally.
Alaina Moore Nov 2018
Our relationship is dead,
as a door nail,
six feet under with settled dirt.
Do not think for a second you deserve forgiveness.
Do not think for one minute I owe you anything.

I am an actor on a stage the moment you see me smile your way.
I'll see you on the holidays,
an exclusive relationship of putting up with you.
Like wet socks or taxes.
I'll gladly watch your life blossom or burn from a cozy 850 miles away.

We're not cool and we wont be until [insert actions here].
That's just the thing,
I don't know how you fix this.
I do know I couldn't care less if ya did.
I'd hate you if I thought you were worth the energy, but your not worth a calorie, a thought, and least of all a fourth, fifth, sixth chance.

You're dead to me.
I'll pour one out for you,
If I ever consider you worth the waste.
Kate Jan 9
Ed
Water.

Low-calorie, no-calorie, sugar-free and…water.

I was never like the other girls. The beautiful, tall, and skinny girls

Instead I had the words ****, worthless, fat, and unloved branded on my face

The words empty, broken, dumb, and unwanted covering my entire body

Skinny was never a word that described me

Until I stopped eating

Calories
200
400
600
800

I lost 5 pounds, then 10, then 20. Striving to be double digits and not triple.

Eating in front of a mirror.

Crying over a bathroom scale,

Cause i only felt pretty when i was hungry.
200
400
600
800
repeat
2, 4, 6, 8

To me, being accepted was more important than being healthy

It was a never ending cycle of "Will I eat today?"

I was trapped in the walls of my mind with the door wide open

Why didn't I just walk through the door?

In my mind

I couldn't fit
calories
2, 4, 6, 8
need to lose weight
2, 4, 6, 8

I lost all of my friends because instead of going out and enjoying life

I stayed home, adding all of the calories I had eaten that day

Instead I stayed home in fear of gaining weight from that one slice of pizza

keep going through the days
2, 4, 6, 8

My scale became my best friend

Watching that number go down was my fun on a Friday night

Drinking water on an empty stomach was my feeling of enjoyment

But no matter how low that number got it was never enough

It was never enough until I had finally collapsed

2, 2, 2, 2
fast

Female, 14 years of age, height 5"3, weight 65 pounds

I had done it

I was so skinny I was dying

I was dying because society told me that I wasn't good enough

I was dying because society told me that I wasn't pretty nor skinny enough

I was dying because I was afraid that one day people would see me

The way I saw myself
I fight all day and all night
            this is your own fault
My body shows my battlewounds
Scars and bones and scratches
            you did this to yourself


I need to eat
   but you can't
It's just food
      but it's not
My minds thin
         but you're fat
This is breaking me
            I'll fix it for you
I'm going too far
               you're not far enough
I need to turn back
                  that's not an option
Release me
                     not happening
I've gone too far
                        push it a little further



My weight became the only thing I cared about

I was failing all of my classes becase the only numbers I cared about

Were the ones that would appear on my scale telling me how much more I needed to lose until,

I had nothing to lose

I didn't see a future

I had already lost my friends

My GPA

My family

And myself

All for what?

I lost everything to be like the other girls

The beautiful, tall, and skinny girls
0
Pill
Dead
A L I C E Feb 17
I’m scared to be at home
To say in this house
With or without people there
I’m scared to be in my own room
Scared to lay in bed
Or sit at my desk
Or even sit on my carpet
I’m scared because my room it’s like a whole different world
A world of triggers and flashbacks
A world of “your never good enough “
And worthlessness
A world of self harm and depression
A world of anorexia and anxiety
And not to forget the suicidal thoughts
But the thing is I spend more time in my room then I do breathing..
This room has been painted over and over with torturing memories
It’s been coated in with blood that has been purposely slit open from my self-destruction
I’ve tried paining over it all with white paint what we call smiles but I always see the blood stain on my hands
Scars that have been placed for a Enturnity
When I look at my bed
I don’t see the wall handing place on the wall
I don’t see my grey fluffy throwover or
My polaroid photo blanket
Or my pillows
Or the comfort of sleeping
I see it as a torture chamber
A place I overdosed on
A place I felt scars
A place that I slept on but yet still felt tired
A place where I would stave myself
A place were I cried and cried
A place full of bad memories
When I look at my desk
I don’t see a place where homework should be done
I don’t see decorations
I don’t see paper
I don’t see photos of friends
I don’t see my calendar
I see giving up  
I see a place hiding places for blades
I see new suicide notes
I see lonelyness because friends don’t seem like friends anymore
I see another day of hell of trying not to eat and survive without killing myself
I see a place where I would open blades
I see calorie counts
I see left over food
I see old tissues of blood
Over the years everything that was sad turned numb
All sad music didn’t feel sad anymore
I’ve learnt that you can dead while still living
Your not dead when your heart has stop
Your dead when your heart beat has no meaning

Like mine..
.. </3
Grace E Jun 30
I like my days unplanned
And my life dipped in pink
And chasing down my vitamins
With the occasional alcoholic drink
I savor every calorie I get
Because I typically don’t eat
I simply can’t show myself in public
If my bag doesn’t match what’s on my feet
My nights end at sunrise
And my champagne is fizzy
I like my dinner with good friends
And my breakfast at Tiffany’s
nic carwile Aug 2018
Just stop eating
Bury every second
You spend lingering in the kitchen
Looking for one more midnight snack
Replace that time with
More productive things
Like exercising off the bowl of
Baby carrots you had that day
That pushed you 34 calories over
Your 500 calorie limit
Watch your mom still
Call you fat
And your sister still tell you
To put down whatever you’re eating
Because you’ve had enough already
Greet your bones
Get to know them as they
Come out of their shell
Protruding at odd angles
From the husk of your torso and legs
And when you have to pull the hair
Out of your hairbrush everyday
And you can no longer feel warm
And your periods no longer come
Look in the mirror and tell yourself
That it was worth it to
Just stop eating.
mer Jan 16
jeans that are a little bit too tight
numbers on the scale that you have to fight
she wanted it badly, she stayed up all night
to her, the future seemed bright

online articles about low-calorie diets
no-carb, low-carb, high-protein try-its
she thought it was the perfect way
to lose that extra layer, so they say

she noticed it working on tuesday at noon
it was working, working so soon
she was pleased with the results it gave
soon it became less to eat and more to crave

she thought she had it all under control
who cares if she ate less than one bowl?
she never ate until she was full
soon she faded away and her eyes became dull
Mal May 8
Take those fingers out of your mouth
Stop counting every calorie
You are not a mathematician


Because you always hated math

— The End —