I awaken once more.
The loneliness of my mountain hovel a constant.
The walls embrace me in their warm silence.
The wind blows around me.
My container a bubble of stillness
Perched upon stone and earth.
With too many stories for one lifetime.
If you blink the bubble pops,
Shattering the illusion of safety and solitude.
In a second blink the perch is gone,
There is now an ocean.
Six blinks ago there was nothing.
For now i'm in between a blink and a dream,
Struggling to make sense of things
in a world where nobody closes their eyes.
Where creatures assign meaning to the meaningless.
I close my eyes.
The mind as real a world as any.
Where thoughts bring me warmth and
Above the dull hum of electricity...
Above the whir of fans
Above the sounds of distant people whose purpose escapes me
Above the screaming of the cold wind...
Above the sirens of troubled folk...
An inner silence.
I lie motionless
I stare into infinity.
I open my eyes and stare into another.
My heart marks time to a third.
With this i'm reminded of my luck.
What a perspective I'm allowed!
From here alone I bare witness to three infinities.
Among these I die endlessly,
and am born again.
I smile at the thought of myself smiling,
Living lifetimes between breaths.
Sometimes to survive you need to be painstakingly emotionless
You need to bite your lip to hold the screams
Block it out
But beware the stories.
There's a mother who at 33 became a drunkard
and she had 3 lovers
and she loved none.
And Dad stopped loving
because it hurt too much to love
even his own son.
And the neighbour had to tell Tommy
he wasn't a brother anymore.
And that family
at the core
And this kind of failing
the kind where each who lost
added to the cost
only to push themselves further under: it makes me wonder
How long can I deceive myself?
to pretend that it's all good
Told my mind
Just breathe it out.
and We'll be as We Should
There's a brother
I've been told
Who sold his body for less than gold
and he is RIDICULED
His Father Beats Him
and his darkness deepens
But his 12 year old sister hallucinates:
redemption as his fate
But his story held a choice
it was Him or Her
and his voice pleaded
that he should be the one
so she might have freedom
and they agreed
Now at night, while she's Dreaming
That boy said to me
that he holds a dream
of a sister still clean
which means to him
That he's worth something still
and the nights can be bared
as long as she never knows
his type of scared
And this has me bawling
and clawing for air.
And my lungs fight for life
just to get there.
There's a father
with a wishful life
with cheerful children
and a gentle wife
And he's a Grandma's Boy
well, that's all he had left
and at her death
he's pitiful, on the ground
gasping for breath
Now he lives in FEAR
of the loneliness returning
that devoured him as a little boy
So now he's running, so afraid of what's coming
that the path back is lost
and he never
and I feel tears when I watch him chatter with his family
because it's always a bonding moment of one on one
but if you look around, there's absolutely none
And I've started to feel lonely
when it's only me
but I remind myself: you can't go down that road
and you won't
if you can just Breathe.
There's a sister
with a child born out of wedlock
and she's felt fury
from her loved ones
Because of this Situation
she resisted penetration
And she just wants to find some love
so she protects that baby with everything that counts
and every ounce of resistance she has left
And She Will Keep Every Cry Inside
until that child arrives
and starts screeching
and she's shrieking
until that baby's tired eyes fall asleep
and she can enter her own weary zone
but she goes to deep
I'm having trouble processing
this story ending
because I've heard that beginnings are a beautiful thing
but this child won't even have
a mother to sing
to her at night
so How is she supposed to stop screaming?
and with this knowledge
How am I supposed to find meaning?
And I know
I know there's good
And I know that pain can't win
so long as we hold it in
I can't Breathe.
and that's when I bellow
right before the never-ending screams
I hold your breath
with cracking lips
against your ear
I emit a hiss
too soft to hear
but feel instead,
a buzz to echo
in your head.
I bite your tongue,
a careful test,
and breathe myself
against your chest
Your warmth absorbed
into my light,
that bitter, cold,
Beware of whispers –
refuse to feel
when from your breath
your heart I steal.
Today, it somehow made so much sense to me
That a cigarette could make it easier to breathe.
Sometimes all you need is a little more substance;
Some sort of reason to keep the air coming
Into your broken and weary body,
Despite every little thought in your head
That tells you not to bother.
"How can you be so positive
with everything so bad?
When folks are so unkind
and all those doctors make you mad?"
"It's easy!" I assure them.
'Cuz one thing makes it okay.
I wake up every morning,
and I'm breathing every day!
When I can't move a muscle
and can barely lift my head,
I think of all the folks I've known
who now are gone, yes, dead!
No matter what my problem is,
and if I stand or lay,
I'm thankful that my mind still works
and I'm breathing every day!
So how am I so positive,
When things sometimes seem bleak?
It's easy, 'cuz my breathing
keeps on going every week!
Oh yes, I have a choice!
I can be miserable and whine;
Be mean to folks around me,
Be demanding and unkind.
But who would make that choice,
when there's a better way to be?
I mean, who's breathing every day
and writing poems?...ME!
Is it possible to miss a persons chest?
The way it rises and falls with their breathing and pulses with blood flow
Letting you know they are alive, just as you are alive
And your timelines interconnect the way your breathing synchronizes
You walk with your right foot forward and he trips over his foot to match your careful steps
You love to hear the rhythmic ebb and flow of whispered thoughts into your ear
And on his chest your head is resting like the pillow you slept on last night except much more comfortable
The cold air outside gives him a chance to explore your arms and hands
and make you feel protected and loved You feel home again even though the house you grew up in is only a block away
There’s this never ending warmth
That ignites your cold fingers with the heat of something more powerful than a comet
You do miss his chest
Your head-rest and peace
Of mind from this too-loud world
That doesn’t take a moment to hear a heartbeat