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"Your father wants to talk to you"
"He said he'll meet you at the club"
I thought, I haven't done much wrong
And therin lies the rub
Sixteen years old, the time had come
For the old many to do his duty
He was gonna tell me just the things
To help me land some ******
I changed my shirt, got showered quick
And drove off to meet my dad
I always wondered what this'd be like
You know, it made me kind of glad
Most things I knew, I got from friends
And most I guess was wrong
My mum said, "He'll buy dinner"
So, I guessed the talk was long
I'd seen Playboys, Penthouse, Hustler babes
they all set my mind ablaze
I think I saw a **** girl once
Not sure though, there was haze
I parked the car and grabbed my clubs
Met my dad on the first tee
He said "Boy, I'm glad to see you're here"
"I'll be back, I've got to ***"
I said that Mom informed me that
It was time to have the "talk"
He said "I guess we'll take a cart"
"We can't have the chat and walk"
I waited for the first big point
Information that I'd need
You see, the stuff I'd heard till then
Was nothing good or that I'd heed
"Son"....he said and cleared his breath
Here it comes, the talk had started
"Remember to excuse yourself"
"so no one knows you've farted!"
What the hell was that I thought
Maybe he was warming up
He took another sip of beer
But, he would not put down the cup
"Son, this is not easy..."
"There's alot I want to say"
I thought OK here goes
Today will be the day
"Never...never leave de-icer"
"In the car on an icy winter day"
"It won't help you inside the car"
"And you;ll still need triple A"
What? I thought...that's not the talk
This would not help me get laid
"Son, always put some cash aside"
"Every week when you get paid"
"Dad, are you sure this is the talk"
"The one we're supposed to do"
"I thought this was about having ***"
"That's what I had thought...did you?"
"Son, you have to give me time"
"I'm new at this you know"
"I'm sorry Dad, It's just....I thought"
"We'd talk of strippers and of hoes"
"We'll get there son, just give me time"
Then he hit me with a thought
"you can use an old banana peel"
"to clean shoes stained with salt"
salt stains, savings, locked doors, farts
This was not what I expected
But, at least he was here, out with me
And his duty was not neglected
"Dad, I know most of this stuff"
"And I know this is quite tough"
"But, I thought we'd speak of other things
"Like treating women soft or rough"
"****, son....I can't tell you that"
"Your mum would have my nuts"
"I can tell you lots of other things"
"If I did, she'd whip our butts"
"Now, listen close I've more to say"
"It's how to remove a broken light"
"You can use an raw potato"
"Stab it then you turn it right"
"Thanks, dad....but, I'm gonna go"
"As soon as we're done nine"
"I'm gonna go out to the mall"
"You can go and drink some wine"
"I appreciate your candor"
"And Dad, thanks for the advice"
"But, most of this you've said before"
"And now I've heard it twice"
"I'm sorry son, I tried my best"
"But if it's the *** talk that you want"
"I guess I'll have to do it"
"It's just not knowledge that I flaunt"
"Listen close, I'll not say this again"
So, I pulled the golf cart off  to the side
It was finally gonna happen
I hope the talk was worth the ride
He took a breath and stared at me
Then in one almighty rush
Came a word barrage like none I'd heard
It was an awful aural crush
"NEVER DATE TIJUANA HOOKERS
THEY WILL MAKE YOUR THING GO GREEN
THEY DO NOT ALWAYS SHOWER
AND MOST ARE REALLY MEAN
WEAR A ****** WHEN YOU DO IT
ALWAYS CLEAN UP WHEN YOU'RE DONE
NEVER TELL A GIRL YOU LOVE THEM
UNTIL YOU'RE SURE THAT THEY'RE THE ONE
YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND EMOTIONS
I'M 52 AND I DON'T YET
AND IT'S EASIER TO ENTER
WITH FOREPLAY TO GET HER WET
NEVER TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND
EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
AND ALWAYS  ASK "CAN WE MAKE LOVE?"
AND DON'T SAY "WANNA *****?"
The Old man, sat, exhausted
I just sat there, stunned as well
He got the talk done in one big sentence
It was something that I would not tell
We'd bonded at that moment
Father, Son had reached a stage
Where we both could not return from
We both had turned the page
I hugged him close and shook his hand
I thought, this talk could not be nicer
"Dad" I said...."Please tell me more"
"Where should I store the lock de-icer?"
Tammy Boehm Oct 2014
Gun metal and asbestos
The tundra of your father’s eyes
His heart left in London after the war
Stubborn, your mother clung to the lie
Hide the shameful sight
Your hands left over right
Roll a crochet ****** under your blanket
Picture perfect mask the missing
Digits and appendages
“That child’s not mine…Ma”
Shoulda put ya in a home

Whispered sins and indiscretions
You slept with your sister in silent rooms
Peed in a porcelain ***
Defiant, Old Nellie in her witch gray wool
She won’t latch the outhouse again
Keep that abomination strapped to your thigh
Crossed and awake at night
You came out swinging when he touched you
"Shoulda put ya in a home…."

Pick the rock salt from your hide
And never cry
Secrets sting more than saline bullets
You bared those knees in a hand made dress
And fled…newly wed
Birthed that ten toed baby girl
Relegated yourself to the drain of domesticity
Brownstones and picket fences
When did you cast the first thread
Spiderwebs and pyrite
Whispered sins and indiscretions
Broken dishes…
Broken bones…
Broken vows…
You lied so much better than you lived

That crave for validation in your fathers’ eyes
Drift away over his open grave
You played Taps in the shadows
One last time
I was an open wound in a house of pain
You couldn’t love your child
And swallow the shame
That little redhead down the street
Baby boy you couldn’t give
Fed your shattered ego with fear
In my eyes
Notch your bedpost with ticks for lovers and fools
Man eater never sated
**** point met….She’s not your daughter
You left him in an empty room
Payback is a jade eyed snake coiled up in your marriage bed

That High school Knight
Greasy hands and milk toast breath
You fled again
Tell me you’re happy
When he’s gone from dawn to dusk
Catching crappies* and suckin Pabst in a can
While you pickle yourself with cheap *****
And soap operas
Buried your crazy mother, your Witch of a sister
And the **** you married first….
No ripples of remorse
In the cement of your soul

We only speak across miles
Unreconciled
You will never apologize
Little dreams strangled
Wet ******* around my neck
Soap in my mouth
Welts and belts,
Wire brushes and hangers
Fitting discipline
Can’t leave my own alone with you
Drown your grandchild in the toilet bowl
Rather than ask for the truth
From a terrified child
Who had only begun to adore you
Now I can’t love his scars away
The truth is bitter, cold and lonely
Love cannot grow in a heart of stone
Chiseled bitter by the sins of a mother
A father and another
You never had a chance to be
Complete….
02/24/10
For Barbara....
*crappies are a pan fish.
My mom was born with congenital birth defects including a missing finger on her right hand, a missing limb below her right knee and no toes on her left foot. Her father swore she was not his child for several years. Her family was dysfunctional and she married into another dysfunctional family. When she finally divorced my dad to marry a high school sweetheart, she told my dad he was not my father. I know specifics weren't required but I felt they were necessary to understand the context of the poem.
g clair Dec 2013
She reaches out for love but it eludes her
He spits her out but not before he chews her
she blames herself for his mistake,
for giving him a belly ache
no wonder why she's feeling like a loser.

and then one day she noticed she was slipping
the mirror never lies, she wasn't tripping
within her empty eyes she saw
the wear and tear had worn her raw
and tears behind the veil of shame were dripping.

Standing in the dim light of the morning
In want of something more of an adorning
she lifted up her golden hair,
and smiled though no one else was there
and realized she'd never heard the warning.

No one ever spoke of inner beauty
though the boys around her said she was a cutie
Daddy always wore the pants
but never asked his girl to dance
she learned her moves from guys who loved her ******.

Light music broke though silence of dead winter
Warm rays of sunshine thawed the ice within her
the local farmer loved his Lord
would never take, but could afford
and in his eyes, a pearl, and not a sinner.

She stands with him before the mirror now
her heart refreshed, she's seeing more somehow
the rounded apple of his eye
and no one else should wonder why
he bought the milk... because he loved the cow!
Julie Grenness May 2017
DIY DISASTERS!
Once upon a lifetime,
I knitted a disaster line,
My sister was expecting,
So, I thought I'd be creating,
That first ****** looked beautiful,
Second, third and fourth not so dutiful,
They turned into footy boots size,
So I bought socks in Kmart--surprise!
I never found a baby with four different feet,
For DIY disasters, booties can't be beat.......
Feedback welcome.
Julie Grenness May 2017
DIY DISASTERS!
Once upon a lifetime,
I knitted a disaster line,
My sister was expecting,
So, I thought I'd be creating,
That first ****** looked beautiful,
Second, third and fourth not so dutiful,
They turned into footy boots size,
So I bought socks in Kmart--surprise!
I never found a baby with four different feet,
For DIY disasters, booties can't be beat.......
Feedback welcome.
Picture this Jul 2016
A fairyland of undergrowth, with a damp musky air,
St Lawrence has a faithful oath, to cultivate and share.
A thrive of all alive, in lush green leaves of old,
The trees in mists sublime, inside a micro climate wold.

A secret world of organisms, multiplying million fold,
Where delicate microcosms, dare to be so bold.
This natural habitat, from seedlings very small,
Quenched by a water vat, chalk streams a waterfall.

Waterlogged muddy bramble slips away at will,
Fertilised to nourish, it's hard to keep it still.
Thatched cottages blend, among the evergreens,
Flowers wildly transcend, into unexpected scenes.

A house made of glass or stone, brick or thatched,
An array of different homes, wholly mismatched.
An under cliff protected, from wind and heavy rain,
Where settlers have constructed dwellings on delicate terrain.

Red rocky backdrops, contrasting in the light,
Emerald carpet covered tops, against a cliff of white.
A multitude of Cretaceous hidden footprint tracks,
Of pre-historic fossils providing us with facts.

Alum bay provides the candour, steep hill cove, the English day,
Black gang chine, the entertainment, screams above a silent bay.
The noise of nature's habits, where a gentle hush is heard,
Of scurrying little rabbits, or a cheerful songful bird

Home to Dickens and to Darwin, Carl Marx to name a few,
Alfred Lord Tennyson inspired by the picturesquely view.
The Osbournes, Alan Titchmarch, are living here today,
To escape from commerciality, and keep all fame at bay.

Well-trodden shutes take a stranger to the sea,
Along a Pirate's secret route to claim his offshore ******,
Time has not dissolved these perfect pretty scenes,
Well used in the past and still there to be seen.

A quiet friendly cloak, behind a rich and wealthy hive,
This isle of natural opulence, where many past events survived,
Ancient stone church steeples, where priests left their gold,
Built for religious peoples, as a refuge from the cold.

Take a step back in time, to unspoilt and unruly soil,
Where the elderly recline, in this haven for the Royal.
The Victorian architecture, preserved in perfect light,
An outlook of conjecture, is called the Isle of Wight.
Jeff Barnes Dec 2015
Cupping her ******
My hands the perfect vessels
For this precious gift
We get it
You’re the elderly flower child
Living on your hippie dreams
Love is your prescription
For coming apart at the seams
Peace and groovy
And get a little ******
You think it’s that easy
Must be nice for you
To be a trust fund baby
Jeff Barnes Nov 2015
Coffee to sharpen our minds
***** to dull our senses
Meetings to shape our town
Dinners to mend the fences

Leaving our work at the door
Listening to our spouses *****
Looking down on a homeless dude
He don't know how tough it is

To keep up this ******* day after day
That's heroic man
When all you want to do is take off
And leave it all behind

Get on the open road
Born to be wild
Leave your stress and kids behind
**** this treadmill life

Where's my slice of glory?
Where's my name in lights?
Where my ***, Drugs and Rock and Roll!?
Where's my blinged out Nikes?

Where's my drugged out supermodel?
Where's my ******-full **?
How did life get so boring?
Man I just don't know.

****, time to pick up the kid from band practice!
Chiori Mathew Oct 2018
Two wrongs can make a right
When two fighting elephants die, the grass enjoys peace
If 73 men must die, a single hair must not fall
If we must sober for our crops being grazed
and our loved ones being butchered, then we get drowned in our own tears
If we must sleep in the cold breeze of the night,
With our eyes wide open, and our mind hanged to our hands,
convenient the cattle.

Let me cry now for my brother’s headache,
Not until I catch it,
Is this the change you have in mind?
I will not chase rats when my house is on fire
Since death is the mother of peace,
Let us die as one, for a peaceful generation to come
than be a ****** to this HERDSMEN.
Peace and equal right to all Nigerians
zebra Apr 2020
There are no current job openings.

The Foundation
is an equal opportunity employer
and employs personnel
without regards to race
to include but not limited to
spics ****** chinks white trash, jews, ginnies,
whateva the ****
red, black, white, yellow, brown
children or old *****,
prego's
uneducated mongrels
dead beats
god pimping religious fanatic's
bad breath bloviators
**** gob nymphos
cross dressing ***** bag *****
death addicts
frauds
**** suckers,
posers
***** lickers
annul *****
big ****** *******
alcoholics
gore ******
shallow ******
gender bending militant lesbians
drug addicts
stuck up snobs
grave yard enthusiasts
toilet slaves
homophobes
bad rhythm racist
serial killers
rakes
broken hearted ***** willows
twinks , girl boy, boy girl

its complicated
you ******* potatoes

national origin,
veteran status,
Absent Without Leave
proud *****
polygamists'  
*** criminals
sociopaths
***** fetish stoners
educated past your intelligence
tax evaders
amputees
Satanists
cannibals
dumb *****
dopers
eroto-asphyxiators
***** toys
vampire's
necro **** sniffers
bible belting ******* quacks
lazy mother *******
dweebs
horror ******
satanic trans upside down banana splits
and those who pray
in the temples of normalcy

or any other bases
protected by law.
Travis Green Aug 2021
I had known him for a long time
To know that he was in my heart
My marvelous charm that has my world
Rising and falling in his enduring
Enchantment, his coffee chocolate flesh
So refreshing to caress, manly, flextabulous
Chest, spectacularific shoulders
Disarming dreads, pure and delicious smell
Arms like roses, thunder thighs
Like tree trunks, dreamy delicate legs
Country dude ****** so highly hot
Like a sizzling *** on a stovetop burner

— The End —