It happens all of the sudden.  One day it’s just one time and then it’s need.  That’s when you run into trouble.  After that, it’s a whole other ballgame.  It isn’t addiction until you need.  

I remember the first time.  You always remember your first time.  It’s like opening the biggest present at Christmas, it’s like sledding on that extra icy hill you knew was just a little too slippery, it’s like skydiving shooting stars high flying crazy.  

Instant exhilaration.  

It’s like that millisecond licking your lips before you go in for the kiss, that steamy shower on your cool skin.  

Absolute seduction.  

You just smile, lean back and say

****.

My first time I said no.
No way.
No how.
I don’t do that.

It was a door in the back of my mind I had branded with a Do Not Enter sign.  I argued morals, I argued boundaries.  A secret promise to myself I kept safe behind lines I swore I wouldn’t cross.  But what really stopped me dead in my tracks, what kept me away from the forbidden fruit was fear.  

Maybe even some paranoia, or a little indignation at the idea of putting things up my delicate little pixie nose, scratching the thin tissue of my sinuses.  

But suddenly your friends are doing it, and they look just fine.  That security blanket of fear dissolves, a scary story to tuck away under your pillow like the boogieman.  They call it peer pressure, I think of it more like peer assurance.  Or maybe an experiment.  And that’s all we’re doing right?  The first time I said no.  The second time suddenly those lines were disappearing up my nose.

And then just, ah hah! This is what it’s like, this is the hype.  Like the first time you sit in the front seat of a car.  And think to yourself, well

That was pretty fun.

But nothing serious, just a fling.  One **** one night stand, no biggie.

But it’s nothing like that.  It’s like someone running up to you and whispering in your ear the biggest, darkest secret of life.  And that’s the funny thing, because that’s just it.

It starts with want.

And you have fun.  You get lost in your own lust and you take all you can get.   And you crave those little white pills because you just feel sosososo good.

And then one day you’re tired before school and you don’t know how to pep yourself up.  And you get this idea.  This crazy idea.  And you rail a little white pill.  And as you walk out the door, you feel like a million dollars.  You feel like you slept for 10 hours, like you just got every question on a test right including the extra credit.  And you breeze right through your day, high flying on autopilot.

That’s the ***** secret with the whole thing.  It makes everything so **** easy.  

Tired? Have a line.
Hungry? Have a line.
Sad? Have a line.
Bored? Have a line.

It becomes a ritual, it becomes a secret club no one else can know about.  It’s that lover you sneak off to in the middle of those lonely nights, when your thoughts endlessly thrash against your skull, doubts echoing into the dark room surrounding you.  

But it’s not your life.  More like a habit, like a friend from the wrong side of the tracks.  

What happens from then on is hard to say.  For me, it was when my world shut down around me, when I felt like I was absolutely alone.  When I felt like I was free falling and I had nowhere to land.  Like I had just been beaten in an alleyway left for dead.  I needed someone to hold me.  And all I saw was the Ritalin.  

For me, it was falling in love.  It was giving my soul to you and having you rip it apart.  It was the way you looked into my eyes and stroked my hair.  It was the echo of you closing the door.  You left me behind.  You made me love you and then you just kept walking past.  It was getting my heart broken for the last time, it was a moment of weakness.  As my world crumbled, I took a whiff on courage.  

And suddenly it’s need.  

It tricks you, it makes you forget that once upon a time you were fine alone.  It manipulates you and makes you think you can’t live without it.  Suddenly, there is no life without drugs.  

You’re avoiding people, you’re skipping lunch to powder your nose, your eyes are bugged open and you’re chomping gum 24/7.  People insist you look fabulous from the lost weight and you feel ******* fabulous from your lost hate, buried under the influence.  You are up for 3 days and asleep for 20 hours.  And the crash.  Your head pounds and your hands shake.  You yell at all your friends and you’re late to work 4 days in a row.  And you just needneedneed to go up again because you just can’t take it anymore.

You scamper up as high as you can reach and you’re afraid to come down.  But your body can only last so long.

The big OD is not something taken lightly, a grey no-man's land where brittle lifelines tend to snap.  I was lucky.  I didn’t break, didn't get the 911 nightmare, just took too much too fast, and I felt SO good.  But then, I didn’t feel so good.  Suddenly, I felt pretty **** awful.  I didn’t go into cardiac arrest or anything, but it scared me shitless.  Scared me right off the ****, minus a binge or two.

At least, it did.  For a little while.

Now that voice I know too well is whispering again, and I don’t always feel like saying no.  

I remember when I used to flaunt my new hobby to my friends.  I felt like some sort of glamorous superstar that knew exactly how to have a good time.  Like it was some sort of VIP club that they just had to get into.  And then I didn’t wanna talk about it, they just don’t get it.  They don’t get it.  I need it.  But only sometimes.

Yeah yeah, stupid.  I get it.  You think I’m asking for it.  I lost control and I’m gonna lose it again.  But I made myself stop before, of course I can do it again.  I am cool, calm, collected and totally in control.

Right?

 I felt so cold when you left me here.  I never want to feel again.

The boogeyman
Last night I thought i 'd saw the boogeyman.
He was dancing the boogie going up my stairs.
He stayed out of sight be for most of the night.
When the bell jingled, he began to wiggle.
Dancing to the moon light tune I looked and saw his head.
So round I thought maybe it was a clown.
He bounced up and down like a ball.
Then I saw him in the hall.
As the  light came on from the boogie man.  He was gone from sight.

“Daddy” she asked “Why must you leave?”
as she cried and her chest started to heave.
“I’m so sorry, my Baby.” Daddy said,
his heart started feeling heavy as lead.
“Mommy and me just can’t stay together.
Our happily ever after is no longer forever,
but I’ll still see you, don’t you worry.
Please just know I’m so, so sorry.”
“Please stay! Don’t go!” She kept pleading
as her chest grew tight with her breathing.
“Did Jimmy or me do something wrong?”
“No, Punkin, no! Please try to be strong.
I promise I’ll come get you on weekends.
Up to Grammy’s we’ll go, this isn’t the end.”
Then to her Daddy she quietly said
“How will you tuck me and Jimmy in bed?
And hug us tight and kiss us goodnight
and make the Boogieman shake with fright?”
“It’s okay, Honey. Mommy will be here.
You and Jimmy have nothing to fear.”
“But Daddy, how will I be your Princess now?
Answer me please. How Daddy? How?”
“Please, Baby, please! Try to understand
I’ll always be here to hold your hand.
It’s not like I’m leaving forever, you see.
I promise you’ll grow to like how it will be.”
“Never, Daddy, never!” she said with a cry.
“I never, ever want to say good-bye.”
“Honey, I’m sorry. I really have to leave.
Please, Baby, please! Let go of my sleeve.
You and Jimmy will see me in only six days.
If you count on your fingers, that not far away.
I love you, my Princess. Please don’t forget,
it will get easier. I’ll make you this bet:
that after a while the pain won’t be bad.
That you won’t cry so much or be so sad”
She sniffled and shook and gave him a hug.
“I really don’t think so” she said with a shrug.
“I’ll miss you, my Daddy. Please know this is true.
I love you, my Daddy. I’ll try not to be blue.”
“That’s my girl” he quietly said
as he quickly had to turn his head;
for tears were falling from his eyes
as Daddy and daughter said Good-bye.

I used to be scared
Scared of the monsters under my bed
And the way "the boogieman" deals with bad children
But now that I'm older
Only fear seems to come my way

I'm scared
Scared of the fact
That my nightmares could become reality
That my past could be my present
And my rights could morph into wrongs

I'm scared
Because I don't want anyone to know
How much I love them
And how much I care for them
How weak with sentiments I am

I'm scared
That my loved ones will turn on me
That I will fail in what others expect of me
That I will be judged for all my mistakes

I'm scared
That my life will be filled with this endless suffering
Filled with endless stress
Filled with endless weariness
Filled with endless questions

Endless questions...
Am I okay will I be okay should I be okay should I be normal like everyone else when will I be like everyone else do I want to be like everyone else do I want to be better than everyone else am I better than everyone else am I good enough I am not good enough when will I be good enough when will I get answers when will I die how should I die can I die will someone **** me what am I thinking should I be thinking about this why am I thinking about this?

Endless emotions,
love, hate, calm, frustrated, confidence, fear, good, bad, live, die, death, life, normal, strange, pain, ache, tired, questions, confusion, fear, more hate, hot, cold, right, wrong, up, down, satisfaction, regret, spare, ****, shallow, deep, truth, lies, on, off, WILL THIS PAIN EVER STOP?

I'm scared. I'll admit it.
Scared to love,
Scared to hate,
Scared to fight back on the darkness
That forever awaits

I'm scared I'll hurt someone
If I leave this world
If I leave my story behind
So what do I do?

I'm scared I'll keep living
In between reality and insanity
I want to stop living
But I'm scared of dying...

Help me... please... I'm just...

                            afraid
                                  tired
                                      fearful
                                         scared.

I never just agreed to the complexity of modern technology.
This whole wait now
I just called to say hi.
I mean face it, we are wasting precious minutes
While the boogieman still sits in the deepest crevice of our minds.
The things that drive us wild.
Our fantasies.
The pajama pants left untied for a reason.
The warm hands that await comfort.
**** the phonelines for not receiving that message.
That ******* voicemail recorded soon as the boogieman creeps in just as we close our eyes in wait.
**** you for not picking up the phone in time.
For not committing the intrusion of the late night thought of you.
Bare feet, long shirt and velvet thong.
The sprinkle of perfume dotted beneath your bellybutton meant for me.
The gasp of your moans passionately fogging up the screen of your Galaxy note.
The custom text sent only with a picture beneath a pulsating background.
Give me one good reason we should continue to use these **** phones while they tempt us with what we already know.
When what we feel is more personal than some **** handheld device

She was sitting on a bag of dog food in the garage
listening to her Mommy and Daddy argue
She could hear the tears in their voices
as they were yelling about Daddy leaving
She couldn’t understand why he would go

Daddy walked out the door with tears in his eyes
he stared at her with a look of sheer terror
As he realized she had just heard everything
he understood he would have to explain
To her that it had nothing to do with her

She felt her chest growing tighter with each breath
too afraid to say a word, yet wanting to ask why
Not understanding really at all what was happening
but knowing her Daddy moving out
And wouldn’t be living with them any longer

He walked over and sat down beside her
he gazed at the ground trying to decide
How to tell his precious daughter
that he had to leave her and Jimmy
And would see them only on weekends now

She looked so scared sitting there wondering why
her Daddy had to go and leave them behind
It had to be really bad for him to go
maybe her or Jimmy had been too bad
She couldn’t remember anything that wrong

He didn’t think this would be so hard
to tell his Princess he had to leave
That he couldn’t tuck them in at night
or scare the Boogieman away
Or hug and kiss them every day

As Daddy started to explain to her
that Mommy and him just couldn’t be together
She was wondering how long it would be
before they saw him again
And where he would live

He was telling her they would stay with him
at Grammy’s house and it would be fun
That after a while it wouldn’t hurt so badly
and that Jimmy and her would grow to like it
And wouldn’t cry or miss him so much

She looked around and wondered why
Mommy wasn’t out here, too
Shouldn’t Mommy be telling her it would be okay?
and that she would take care of them
Why was Daddy the only one out here crying?

Daddy’s heart was breaking at the look on her face
he never thought he would have to tell his daughter
His beautiful eight year old little girl about divorce
the tears started rolling down his face
As he hugged her close and said Good Bye

Love.

Why is everyone concerned about it?

Does it make you feel good writing about it?

All the ones that's been in your life,
The ones who are important to you,
The ones that make your stomach quiver,
And then are gone like it was a dream.

A dream.

You awake to new perspectives,
Like these loves had a way to teach.
But really it isn't love at all,
Just a feeling.

Who's to say what you're feeling,
Is is compassion or is it admiration?
Just another stumbling block,
Take that love and shuv it!

I can care ******* less about your love,
Too many ******* people don't know what it is.
I can care ******* less who's beside you in bed,
Can't you ******* write anything worth while?

Talk about anything ******* else than his lips,
Talk about anything else than her heart.
Who ******* gives a good gooddamn?
Waste my ******* time reading your ******* ****!

I don't ******* understand,
Why anyone would persue love?
I, myself, choose death,
The black dharma of the night.

Here comes the pain,
And ******* love had nothing to do with it

So keep writing about love,
You'll get it sooner or later.

Unless the boogieman gets you first!

It was so sunny yesterday but
Today is gray and
I’ve found myself addicted to nicotine.

You say you’ve lost your passion but
Where has it gone?
I checked under the bed.
I only found the boogieman.
I checked the shower.
Just a snake in the drain.
And only skeletons in the closet.

There’s something about the patter of
Rain
That sounds so romantic.

Maybe I’m choking on you
Because I’m too afraid to swallow the truth.

Oh mother, mommy, ma,
could you please not tell me anymore family secrets?
I'm not in the right mood for that kind of drama.
Not tonight, at least.
No, really though, not ever.
You've already told me more than I care to keep
back when I was a child and couldn't sleep.
It's sickening.
Facts and stories that went way over my head
told late at night while you were drinking.
I was just trying to escape the boogieman.
I always had trouble going to bed.
You were supposed to comfort me.
You'd end up crying instead.
Forcing me to comfort you over things I couldn't comprehend.
You just make the nightmares worse.

In the dark
There are shadows
It is why our ancestors gathered
By a fire
Those dark shapes are created by ones mind
Unless they are of
The living kind
Just behind you
Moves a form
In the corner of your vision
Look..
and it moves no more
You and your imagination
And yet you can hear a slight
Breath,
a gentle breeze
It's why we should huddle
Together at night
For shapeless horrors
like these.

When I was
a young child
I used to be afraid
of the wild dark...
I thought it was
because it became
too hard to see
what lurks beneath,
It scared me…
Then the more
I think about it,
the more I sink
into it—

Today I realized
it was right
before my eyes.
I was afraid of
falling in the black,
endless void,
alone—

But here we are,
no monsters,
no demons,
no Boogieman—
Just the bitter me.
I don’t even flinch—
or give a ****
anymore.