My life has become more than I can handle too. It just feels like I'm stuck in a room full of mirrors, not knowing which direction to go but at this point I'm so stuck I lose either way.

At first I was upset with myself for losing the kids and getting back into ****, and the only way to not feel that was to feel nothing but the drugs ya know?

Then with everyone else upset too, I started to believe everything they said. That I'd never be able to crawl out of this fuxkin hole. My head got twisted and I turned it on everyone else. Like I saw it as you guys all gave up on me because I was being a pos, not because I was destroying myself and you guys couldn't watch it take place anymore.

I thought all my "friends" were actually my friends, ya know? I thought they were sticking around because they cared about me, regardless of if I was an addict or not. I didn't think they were only around because of the drugs, so my loyalty went to them because I thought they were loyal to me. If that all makes sense.

Regardless of how much I wanted to change and get better, I couldn't bring myself to walk away from the very ones I should have. Which in turn, has me sitting there watching everyone around me getting high, and I couldn't leave because I thought that they were all I had left. And I couldn't abandon them like I thought I had been abandoned.

But I also can't watch someone stick a needle in their vein, and get high while I just sit there sober. I didn't think I could do it all on my own, ya know? When I got out of jail this last time, as soon as I got home I got to watch two people shoot up in front of me. I didn't want to call anyone to get me out of there, because I didn't want to make my "friends" feel like an ***, and I expected whomever I would've called to bitxh at me for getting myself into that situation.

Dad died, and we could've said goodbye. You had it all figured out, and I said no because they said he was gonna be okay and I thought it would be best if the kids didn’t go. Not even twenty four hours later we lost him. Not only did I lose my chance to say goodbye to my birth father, I also took yours away too. I could've just kept my mouth shut and ******  it up, but instead I ruined it. A month before dad passed, CYS took the kids from their dad and placed the kids in foster care. Life just became way too much.

I got booked, and two days after I got out of jail M* got arrested for DUI vehicular manslaughter. He told me a day before that, that one of the reasons he did the stuff was so he could stay awake to keep an eye on me and make sure I was okay. At the time it felt like I couldn't handle all of that. I am the reason M had drugs in his system at the time of the accident, to which two people lost their life's. The man who passed away due to the accident, and then M. The man that will spend the next ten to twenty years in prison because he had drugs in his system. All so he could look after his careless, reckless, selfish girlfriend.

Regardless of what I do now, I'm in too deep. Its inevitable that I will be going to jail, yet again. I'm angry because I was actually checking in with probation and stuff this time. I was putting in effort to do the right thing, but clearly it wasn't enough. I can go to rehab and get treatment for my substance abuse, my mental health and all that as well. But after I'm released, I will still go to jail. I'll more than likely still officially lose my children and whatever I have left. Which means whenever I would be released I would still be in this hole.

Or I can run, with **** near the same outcome. I will still officially lose my kids, end up getting arrested, lose whatever I have left. So why not fake it ya know? Why not act like I'm not lost, like the people i surround myself with actually care about me? Attempt to feel alive, even if only for a brief moment before I reach the inevitable outcome that I have set up for myself?

I sat at the bar
You sat at the other end
You just had a fight with your boyfriend
that the whole bar saw begin

He left in a rage
you returned to your drink in a huff
I nursed my drink to build up courage
because I desperately wanted to ****!

Finally I walked over to you
and said "I hope your alright"
she looked dead at me and said
"I need something new tonight"
"What do you mean? I can buy you a drink"
"No I need you tonight not a drink".

I finished off my malt brown whiskey
as she downed her dry martini
I called in a cab
he showed up, and in the back we talked... shall we say freaky

I barely knew your name
in fact I know next to nothing about you at all
but when I laid my eyes on you
my cxck was at your beck and call
We walked into my apartment and I kissed your soft neck
beer goggles weren't on, but she still looked a positive ten

We made our way into my bedroom
our restraint left at the door
you laid me down on my bed
and made me your personal wxore

I caressed her soft warm *******
as she bounced upon my cxck
I laid my tongue upon her lips
as her puxxy my cxck was at rest

As she moaned out her pleasure I said "come to the kitchen"
I barely knew her but so wasn't love,
it was lust with which I was smitten

I bent her over ny kitchen counter
all my things she slid,
I pulled her hair back and spanked her hard
she said "**** me like I'm your little bitxh"

We fxcked ******* the floor, in the room, in the kitchen, on the elevator in the stairwell,
We had more *** than a concubine on hormones, a week had passed before we finally got our clothes on,
"hey I still don't know who you are, what's your name?"
"You'll know, call me next time you have a *******."