"besieging" poems - Hello Poetry

I remember the first time I felt panic, I Had been raised in a beautifully-constructed world of my mother’s making where I could Take my time and step from subject to subject like hopscotch or skipping rope because I wanted to know it all Drinking it all in, soaking in knowledge like a bath Learning everything there was to learn Leaving no stone unturned No one told me I couldn’t Swirl my fingertips in acrylics, read books on horses having *** at age seven because I wanted to be a veterinarian, hit the soprano notes though I was an alto, crush dandelions into healing potions, create a world on a stage with crying child actors, nick cardboard boxes and clocks because I knew I could move time backwards Then I grew up and The grown-up world was not so forgiving Examinations, papers, time clocks, meetings, expectations I could not meet with the excellence my soul craved I can’t breathe Fear had a choke-hold on my throat My mouth would dry, then wet as my stomach swirled and groaned with nausea My hands turned into ice picks My heart screamed like a jackhammer in concrete Every possible worst-case, best-case, win-win, lose-lose, lose-win scenario would rush and overthrow my amygdala like a union mob besieging an abusive factory that never closes, never lets them rest I didn’t realize it was because the only way to do it all and be it all and hit every deadline and finish every task was to sacrifice perfection, to become average, mediocre Assimilate And I learned the truth That that was all the world expected of me anyway You see there is no patience for anything else in the real world I can’t breathe I have no emotion, only thought processes Paralyzing, debilitating clash between suppressed desires to take my time, create, innovate, learn and the overwhelming need to Focus, decide, move faster, work harder, be on time, be better, please everyone, be everything Be nothing To where the only choice is let go of that part of yourself or go insane So I shed my skin like it was a sin I was leaving behind Just to survive Without the headaches, the heartbreak, ripping my hair out over stupid little mistakes It’s taken this long to find it in my closet again To not be afraid Of the soul it takes to Perfect

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Aug 15, 2013

Aug 15, 2013 at 5:15 PM UTC

alex-apples

Perfectionist

I remember the first time I felt panic, I Had been raised in a beautifully-constructed world of my mother’s making where I could Take my time and step from subject to subject like hopscotch or skipping rope because I wanted to know it all Drinking it all in, soaking in knowledge like a bath Learning everything there was to learn Leaving no stone unturned No one told me I couldn’t Swirl my fingertips in acrylics, read books on horses having *** at age seven because I wanted to be a veterinarian, hit the soprano notes though I was an alto, crush dandelions into healing potions, create a world on a stage with crying child actors, nick cardboard boxes and clocks because I knew I could move time backwards Then I grew up and The grown-up world was not so forgiving Examinations, papers, time clocks, meetings, expectations I could not meet with the excellence my soul craved I can’t breathe Fear had a choke-hold on my throat My mouth would dry, then wet as my stomach swirled and groaned with nausea My hands turned into ice picks My heart screamed like a jackhammer in concrete Every possible worst-case, best-case, win-win, lose-lose, lose-win scenario would rush and overthrow my amygdala like a union mob besieging an abusive factory that never closes, never lets them rest I didn’t realize it was because the only way to do it all and be it all and hit every deadline and finish every task was to sacrifice perfection, to become average, mediocre Assimilate And I learned the truth That that was all the world expected of me anyway You see there is no patience for anything else in the real world I can’t breathe I have no emotion, only thought processes Paralyzing, debilitating clash between suppressed desires to take my time, create, innovate, learn and the overwhelming need to Focus, decide, move faster, work harder, be on time, be better, please everyone, be everything Be nothing To where the only choice is let go of that part of yourself or go insane So I shed my skin like it was a sin I was leaving behind Just to survive Without the headaches, the heartbreak, ripping my hair out over stupid little mistakes It’s taken this long to find it in my closet again To not be afraid Of the soul it takes to Perfect