I have a friend,
She jumps hurdles.
For me,
She seems quiet,
In her zone,
Eyes focused on what's ahead,
I stand at one end of the stadium,
pretending to read a book,
But with eyes behind dark glasses,
I enjoy watching her in a different realm.
She runs up and down the field,
And stops to chat with different people,
Which I find encouraging,
Because she seems to not care who those people are,
Or that they have a past,
That may be filled with secrets as dark as my t shirt.
When its her turn to run,
She stands at the blocks,
The man says "ready"
But she treats it as if its a question
Because she goes down on one knee
And flips her hair over her left shoulder,
Pulls each leg of her spandex down,
As if it'll make them grow in length,
Which I find amusing.
The man with the gun says "set"
And she rises in the air before it goes off
And as it does,
She explodes outward like ocean mist
Hitting black cliffsides
And I wonder how she seems to bring her own sunset
Becasue as she runs,
The colors never leave her face
Even when she crosses the finish line.
The other runners must see it too,
Becasue they seem to slow their step
To watch her set out in front of them
Which I think is funny,
Because they don't even get to watch the clouds break
When she smiles after ******* In a few gusts of wind.
I like to watch all people do the things they love,
But maybe it means more when you're watching someone
you truly wish to be happy
No matter the cost of yourself.
I was Sitting underneath a tree
That was raining pieces of bark down around me
Maybe to try an make the scene more poetic
As if it could change itself into water.
I was deep in thought,
Which annoys me sometimes
Cause I think too much,
But anyways,
I was thinking about how the hurdler
Doesn't just run races
On harmless school fields,
Jumping tiny tables laid out for her.
She also jumps hurdles in her own life,
Which are usually much bigger,
and scarier.
But just like the start,
She seems to crouch down at the sight of the people and their guns,
And springs forward,
Pushing against the ground, not running away,
But conquering everything before her.
And when she gets done with her race,
I can't help but swell with pride,
Because even her running,
seems to create poems of her life.
She handles each hurdle with such grace,
And respect,
a sort of beauty.
My eyes seem to always smile,
When I stand where I always am,
At the finish.
Waiting.
I stand at the end and not the start
Because just like in life,
I can't wait to see her conquer each hurdle
And meet me at the finish line
where ill always be,
With a smile,
Waiting for the hurdler.
Waiting,
For her to win.

I don't think my friends understand,
That when I'm with them I'm in another land.
A place where I know I'll always be safe,
I won't be judged, I can just be me.

And it means a lot to me that they're there.
They make me feel like I have no need to fear,
I can speak up which is nice becasue I'm quiet.
Usually because I'm trying to avoid riots.

Riots that could hurt me emotionally that is.
I hope I'm being clear and not blurry.
I'm trying to express how it feels to be-
Surrounded by thorns that change into clouds.

Just often enough to make the bleeding stop.
Do you know what it feels like to be that shocked?
It's as if you're drowning and then all of a sudden,
Someone saves you and takes you into their coven.

I'm just glad to not feel as abandoned as I had before.
I'm not alone in heart, I'm just a little sore.
But I'm healing more and more every day.
So that's a good thing, wouldn't you say?

what the hell is love anyway? why is there this supposed special connection to someone. And why do we fret so much when it goes away? what makes it different than a friendship? is it the extra doses of horomones you get from kissing? (wich, lets face it, is oly a trigger to the brain to think of ****** contact) why must humans search and find this ONE person the propose impossible promises to? Most animals just let their ****** need envelope them when they choose and dont think too much on the subject. But doses of religion and morals of society prohibit us from doing that. Are those morals the things telling us to seek out this unreasonable aspect of love? are those morals the secret to these pain-inflicting circumstances? becasue, all feelings are are certain levels and mixtures of horomones in the brain, so love is nothing more than a science. The thing that seperates the link between enjoing someone as a friend and as a suitor is ***. and the eason people get heartbroken and cry over losers who hurt them are merely the fault of morals

I see things in the clouds,
pretty things,
scary things,
sometimes just shapes and fluff.
I feel things becasue of the clouds,
weightlessness,
lightheartedness,
sometimes just nothing.
I think about things because of the clouds,
flying far away,
how lovely that would be,
sometimes just mesmerized into sleep.

I want to sneak out and meet you at the end of my street and risk everything just to spend my time with you and be able to glide your hands up and down my body again. Would you be willing to do the same? However,Darling while were falling inlove to Lana Del Rey's"Born to Die" in the pitch black at 2 am I don't want you to stop loving me for the night just becasue you are scared of me telling you I love you, wich I do, and even my loneliest words can't explain how I feel without you by my side during that moment in time.

hey dad.
how are you?
i miss you. a lot.
although you're just a text away, i still can't bring myself to carry through.
i hope she treats you well. and i hope those boys aren't ornery *******.

i sometimes think about the day at the st. louis children's mueseum.
it was happiness.
i think that's my reason.

i still haven't told you about it; the darkness, i mean
my darkness i should say
because i know about yours
maybe we can bond
since our biological bond isn't real

sometimes when i'm sad, i want to call you
but you're probably busy
or maybe you don't care
i don't know

i wanna tell you how i can't stop thinking about filling the emptiness and longing, with substances you've had issues with in the past
speaking of, you're drinking again.

i blame her whole-heartedly
although it pains me not to give the fault to myself for once,
i still will always blame her

did you know that when you got engaged, i wanted to jump off a cliff?
probably not.

do you know that i still sometimes feel like that?
but not just becasue of you.
mom is a factor and sonia and grandma and friends and boys
but you,
you were the one i never thought would make me feel so ******

it's cliche, i know
an other suicidal teen girl with daddy issues

i'm thinking about what would happen if i were to visit you in the fall
imagining her on your arm makes my heart feel stretch across the grand canyon of space that seperates your world and mine

someday i will tell you
everything
every feeling and thought and wrong-doings
i will say it all

dad, i miss you to the ******* moon and back
it's five in the moring and i'm thinking of the way you used to take care of our yard
you were just getting bad then
i was young
i didn't realize
please know i've grown into a woman
without you
i get it now
i'm imagining seeing you in september and you sugar coating the truth and me crying over a false reality
so please be honest with me if you want to be in my life
i run on truthfulness and cynical humor
and if you can't handle me
tell me
because i deserve the truth as much, if not more than you

i love you, ron.
and you will always be my father
no matter who comes in goes in my life
you will walk me down the aisle and we'll be happy
as happy as we were that day at the st. louis children's muesuem

i miss you so ******* much, dad
call me back as soon as you get this.
i hope you are doing well.

Jumping is scary,
exhilerating,
and fun,
untill you fall,
shooting twards the ground,
you scream,
and close your eyes,
waiting for the pain
it should be sxrushaiting as you hit the cold hard ground,
you should be burning,
you should be crying.
but you're not.
becasue I cought you,
I told you that when you jumped,
I would be there to catch you.
I told you that when you jumped,
I would be there to catch you,
I would save you,
from the pain of falling.
You didn't believe me,
But now you do.
You know,
that I will never hurt you,
never make you cry,
and always catch you when you fall.

They say come shine with us brotha
We'll make you a star
Above the life your living
Into a new beginning
They Really want you to Illuminate...
So They'll scope you out, take your talents
and you'll Illumainate..
Out of the darkness
of nothingness
the normal everyday
Into a new relm of darkness
Blinded, guided all the way,
So You'll do as they say
becasue you want their way
of lifestyle they portray,
But thats not their everyday
But You Illuminate.....
On the black and white
cause colors don't exsit
well not by themselves
just hidden in abyss
But you Illuminate....
Climbing to the top
your light can't be stoped,
As a pawn in their chess game
you just want the fame
Because you Illuminate....
You think we are not the same
And you do as they say
found no better way
to see but out one Eye
an As You Illuminate...
All You see is I
Cuz To you thats who got you there,
But they know it was them
and You so unaware
You Illuminate
For Him,
Marrying the night
with contracts that seem so right
and then Your tied to strings
To Illuminate
All there things,
the corruption of the pure
No longer your own source of power,
But they're your electricity
Causing you to Illuminate
The way they want you to be
Binded To the ROC
Universal Mind control,
But everyone Once a chance
To Illuminate The Soul....
Making this your goal
you dont understand,
They say to be great...
You Need To Illuminate....

I have this melody in mind that has played since my youngest days. Filling my heart and soul continuously, getting louder as it plays. Taking over my every dream and rocking me to sleep, unable to scream out in the night or even begin to weep. Waking to a new day with the same hope in mind, that my lifes strung out melody will somehow come unwind. And untill that sobering day comes ill playfully sing a different tune. Playing my melody with the worlds expectations untill they both become attune. Never humming my lifes true melody so as not to attract my muffled past. And hoping to god that this lifestye is one i will outlast. Or outlive, or out-will, or possible out-muster. For my struggling sanities sake, and before life loses all its luster. Becasue as my melody continues to play, everything becomes drowned out. Leaving behind a deaf man whos life was filled with hopeless regret and unwiltering doubt. But carry on i must do, for life demands nothing less. Regardless if your staggering smile continues to digress. Back to your haunting melody, and leaving you at second best. To the person you strived to be, who has now become an absolute mess. Holding back their emotion, from the world and those he loves. Seaching for the answers in the stars and endless skys above. Becasue the answers he seeks cant be found while walking on this earth. Buth rather in that unattainable heaven that has given his life worth. So play on my meldoy and sing me to sleep. I look forward to the silence as darkness plummets me ever so deep.

You took my heart and broke it in two;
What did I do to deserve that from you?

My heart was yours,
As was my body.
Anything you wanted I would give.

So you took what I had to offer
And eventually found that I wasn't enough.
I got hurt in the end even though I offered so much.

Now I'm moved on
And there isn't anything for you to do.
I'm done with your crap
Before I have another anxiety attack over you.

I still care, that much is true.
But I also need to love and be loved
For that is what I was born to do.

I've found someone new who loves me for me.
And I hope you do the same,
Becasue I want you also to be happy.

I spent years flinching when someone so much as moved too quickly
jumping at everything, peering around corners only to be scared by my own shadow
you had broken me and drilled inside of my head,
manifesting as some monstrous creature in my imagination
and you come around now thinking you can still intimidate me?
these skills that i've honed are just  for fun and games
they're for kicking *** and taking names
i learned them just for taking on guys like you
you're just a bully with a name tag  that reads "Badass"
like i can't see right through you  

And you can run around telling people we know that i'm crazy,
that i'm a liar,
and that i'm a *****.
because i know, and they know, that i am so much more.
there are reasons why she looked exactly like me.
i am the one that haunts your dreams,
the one who refused to be used and abused,
who was sick and tired of fliching when someone reached for sticks on the riverbank to poke around in the mud
i was the girl that told you i will not be cheated on,
i will not be pushed to the back burner

i took what was left of my bruised and battered pride and i ran, praying that i could spread my wings
it was like i grew tired of thinking that i should fly
when the only thing that flies is the time i wasted watching days go by
waving at opprotunities as they passed me by
and i couldn't stand being scared of my own tail
so the days in which i was afraid of you are long gone
i will not rush to the car, heart pounding, ears ringing, just from the mere sight of you

i will not back down from any fight you try to bring to me
becasue i refuse to gasp through crossed ribs again,
and I refuse to say that it's okay every now and again
to curl up on the bedroom floor in agony
and wait for the un-seen bruises,
the mental pain,
the lack of physical evidence
to fade away

After all is said and done
if you still think you're a juggernaut in my mind
bring it on, because you're bound to find that
the bigger the come, the harder they fall
and trust me *** you're just way to too tall
a tale to be belived anymore
too many compulsive lies have cluttered everyone's veiw
and by wiping them away they see you for what you are
it's going to be you trying to run for the door
as i stand up to you for the first time in my life
i won't let you ******* touching me
not without walking away with much more than bruised pride
or broken ribs
oh no

You won't leave without everyone knowing  that you're nothing anymore
and trust me it's not the beat down that will open their eyes
because to me, and everyone else
you're just a sad excuse
for what a man should be.

The more that we talk the more I'm attracted
The only probelm is I'm not that romantic
I'm just a simple man with a single heart
Not much I could do when were this far apart
You mean the calls we have are way too short,
Becasue theres never enough time to say what you want,
Like if I could I would stay on forever
Because you are the reason why I'm under the weather
If me is what you want then please do say it,
Cause if it was  I would also admit it
  
Your eyes sparkle like the stars in the sky
And if I could I would gracefully grab each one
Becuase there the closest thing  to you I could find
Although I do this, my mind is unsettled
Because there has to be more that resemebles
The perfect face they once promised
But I prayed that whoever is upstairs will give the person the bears the same feeling
And links not just our arms but hearts and will help me through the hardest parts
God chose me and you to be the ones to say our dues
So grab my hand and hold on tight
Because this is goin to be one wild fight

I piece of me has gone.
My heart feels cold like winter on the north pole...
A shadow tinted in my heart,
becasue your gone.
The love of not my father, but acted like one.
My life was bonded from your wisdom,
and your jokes.
Like the earth and the moon.
You teach me how to rotate on earth.
Your memories will never fade away from me.
Now your gone, and my life is a puzzle.
It is destiny of human kind to die...
And I hate it... I will always love you.
And my heart has your mark of wisdom.
Thank you for the time, and love you took on me.
I...Will..Miss...You...

Roses are Red
and I am Blue
Violets are Violet idiots
and Violence is subtle
until you turn Blue
or black
but I was born like that
and he was born with a turbin
and she was born with a veil
And then there were those born pale
...But what ever the matter they were born
believing that roses are red and violets are blue
not that I should love you too..
But just my brothers and sisters...
not anything different..
and I should beat a Violet till it turns Blue...
Becasue thats what it should do...
No matter if im black, Pale, muslim or hindu
I will beat a Violet blue...
And Keep all roses red
Cuz I still haven't Got to I love you!!

Stubborn and strong
He walked through the world
often misunderstood
For there was always a smile, a smirk
under that serious exterior of his
A heart
full of love
A passion
for the simple things in life

As though it were yesterday
I recall
walking on the boardwalk
trolling across the glassy bay
driving for hours
on our way to nowhere
in seach of ourselves

I hear his voice in my mind
Mighty and deep, yet cracked by life and time
Jokes and stories, reassurance and advice
I search for them there
When I need to smile
When I need to be brave
When I search for answers
I can't find on my own

And now as I write
A tear makes its way down my cheek
Though he's so far away
He's so close in my heart
Freed from a life that ended in sickness and pain
He's so alive withiin me
it's been years since his obnoxious snore awakened the whole house
it's been years since his laughter filled the room
It's been years since he held my tiny hand
And made my world seem alright

I am who I am
Becasue of who he taught me to be.

I look in the mirror it's not what i expect.
I see someone that is hard to respect.
I see someone that's thrown his life away.
It's like i've been content with everyday.
But now I've realized I'm not.
And if I stay like this surely I will rot.
I see someone who has aged but not grown at all.
I see someone who trips but never falls.
If I were to hit the ground one time
Would I realize my clock had chimed?
That I can't continue to live like this.
That becasue of my actions I now have someone to miss.
I've finally fallen flat on my face.
Your love is something I can not replace.
And I just sit here looking at this mirror.
Wondering if this is all I have to fear.
I've said alot of things and never followed through.
But all my lies were always right on cue.
It's really cost me this time around.
I took you for granted, loneliness is what I've found.
If I could make this right I would.
But I'm going to do what I should.
I'll never forget you that much is true.
But the tears I've cried are through.
Maybe soon you will see.
That you really are meant for me.
And that I'm not the person I was before.
That this relationship won't be a chore.
I know this will take time so you can see.
How much of a change there will be in me.
Never again will my words hurt you.
All my negativity is through.
So now as I look in the mirror.
Everything before me is clear.
Change this thing that you call life.
End all the fighting and strife.
Then maybe one day we can be.
Happy together without a plea.

she had mornings
(still does)
where she'd not talk to anybody
so i'd get on tumblr and check,
finding the familiar phrase
she used on these days
"i'm such a *****"

and between classes
i would find her and wrap her in my arms
and tell her she wasn't
she never believed me,
always disagreed with me

so isn't it ironic
that those words-
"you aren't a *****"
are the ones i hold on to now
everytime i start thinking she is
i tell myself i was right,
that she's only had a hard life
and thinks differently than me

but then she cuts me off walking in the hall,
she gives me emotionless stares on the bus
(where i sit 8 seats farther from her than ever before)
and i almost call her a *****
but i hold off, knowing i was right

i walk an extra three blocks
to and from the convenience store
to avoid her house.
i spend lunch in the library
to avoid hearing her voice.
i walk home from the elementary school
to avoid her presence.
and i don't go swimming
with my brothers boyscout troop
to avoid the memory
of the first time she said she loved me.
but when i'm about to call her a *****
because avoiding her
only makes me remember what she did to me-
i stop
because i know i was right

those words were probably the reason
she left for the last time
the reason she says nothing to me now
becasue she always believed she was right.
i only hope i'm right,
but i try so hard to convince myself
because i don't want to, someday
get so ******* that i scream at her
that she's a *****.
because that will break her
and she'll think she's right
that all her insecurities and anxieties
are true
are righteous,
and she'll be hurt forever
thinking that she's horrible.
she isn't

she isn't a *****
just misunderstood by herself.

when i look at her,
i feel no anger
and i supress the sadness
which may create anger.
anger only fuels my thinking that word
and i can't bring myself to hurt her

no matter how much she hurt me.

not a *****...
not
a
*****




©Brandon Webb
2012

Such a powerful thing that can control the mind of so many,
Who to vote for, who to see, who to be, who to follow
Just all about what they might
Will they like my shirt,
will they think I'm dum
Will they see me different from now on
How to impress them
It used to be about who i wanted to be
And now it is about who they think will fit me best
\
I used to believe in the fairy tales my mother told me at night
Cinderrella, The beauty and the best, sleeping beauty and snow white
To wake up with the kiss of true love
to the sight of those blue eyes
that could bring light in the darkness
/
Now I see that its not about the prince, its about do we look nice together
Does him look attractive for me
Is he rich
Does he have a nioce car
What does he work at
Did he go to colldge
Why dont you just get to know him
I used to think
Now its all about they know him, so i must know him without talking to him
Getting married when we havent even said a word
just becasue they thought it was meant to be

I decided to vote
But i cant becasue im only 15
That skirt is too low,

January- Her toes were chilly just like the trees in her front yard. She had never known what happiness was & she still hadn't found the answers (especially not in me), yet the love for the similarities of december compared to this beautful month was similar into the way that she loved food but hated to eat; she loved the way her glasses looked on her, & how perfect the dimples on her face felt in the sunlight, & every song that I ever wrote for her, & the way I make long lists about all the ways she was beautiful to me.
She loved all of these things, but never me.

February- the clouds always looked over her like a big brother & always told me when she was in need of one of my helpful conversations consisting of me expressing all the reasons why she is so important to this world & that nobody would be who they are today if it wasn't for her birth & her substantial impact on people's outlook on life. She hated the way everyone would fall for her like leaves in september & she would always feel bad for b(rake)ing leaves & hearts that weren't hers to b(rake) in the first place. She was most magnificent when she was upset, the passion, the sadness, the fear, it was all just beauty in its purest form.

March- This was her favorite month, because it was so spontaneous and unexpected just like her;
one day it's raining
& the next day a cloudless day where we're sunbathing in my living room,
& even the next day is a harsh winter with a spice of sun added to the whole recipe.
One day she was dressed up & happy,
the next day she could be dressed down & apathetic towards life (& especially me),
& even the next day she did her make-up but not her hair & she actually manages to put socks on but they aren't matching (& she hates not matching, maybe that's why I never match my socks anymore) & her mood has a hint of attitude with a spice of sarcasm, & I love every single second of it. Becasue life is like the month of march, you never know whether she's going to love you or not.

April- This isn't a good month for her, she's behind in all of her classes because of her job & life at home & she's scared of everything. It's sunny & windy half of the time, & rainy the rest of the time. She hates the rain because it ruins her hair & reminds her of why her mom isn't in her life anymore & the fact that she'll never forgive her dad for that. On the extra rainy days she didn't go to school & on the sunniest days she sat inside catching up on all of her missing school work. To her, april was like the world we live in, absolutely horrific.

May- the color was riveting; the skies were as glossy as her eyes after a short nap, & she had just finished reading her new favorite book. Love was short tempered this time of year, but at this point i'm used to it. Lovely May couldn't have come at a better time though, because lasting love never lasts & everyone knows that. She has just told me that she is slowly falling for me, & this is unusual to me because i'm usually the leaf that is falling to my inescapable death, not the other way around. But the way the goosebumps on her arm looked & the way her lip quivered was so unbelievably beautiful as she was telling me that she's loved my childish humor & stupid stories for quite some time now, but has finally decided to let herself love me instead of drenching her affection for me in sarcasm & rudeness. I am finally loved & i'm not sure if I can stand up without thinking about her kissing me & how am I supposed to go to sleep when I could be holding her instead. Lovely May couldn't have come at a better time.

June- Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. Not because of the sun either, but because her body against mine was a sauna & the way we looked at eachother put a shame to the way the sun looks at the moon. We were explorers of the human body & our first trial had taken place with eachother. We have never been outside of our city so we decided that we would travel the world together, through each other's stories, body movements & wandering souls. I had seen pictures before of the great ranges & valleys that are so beautiful, it's a shame that all they'll ever be are just valleys; but nobody prepared me for her smile,
& the way she laughs when I pick her up & spin her around in public places,
& that strapless dress that she loves to wear,
& especially the way she tells me that i'm perfect & actually means it.
Nobody prepared me to actually want to keep on living.

July- the heat was at an all-time high whether it had been between our agruments, or the sun cooking down on us like eggs on a sidewalk. Maybe the temperature had something to do with her mood swings or maybe it was just her realizing that I wasn't as perfect as she thought I was. I can't tell you I didn't expect this though, no one in my life had ever stayed longer than a few years, whether it was because of my overly direct opinions, or my waves of jealousy, or my (meaningless) indirect insults; whatever the case was I didn't expect much from anyone nowadays, & the strangely beautiful thing about it was, neither did she.

August- I can't really say very much about what happened this month except her hair blowing in the wind is more heartwarming than any cup of hot cocoa & the way she broke my heart with just her eyes will forever haunt my cloudless dreams.

September- Just like the month of september, she finally settled into a pair of warm, comforting arms; but those arms were definitely not attached to my body & the month of september definitely wasn't sad just to accompany my mood, it was sad at the fact that the world is slowly falling in love february & losing interest in all summer related festivities; this is how I felt, she was slowly falling in love with the rainforest & I am just a single tree.

October- She would still call me every now & then, but only when her & her new boy toy were having relationship problems or when she had a bit too much to drink.
"I made a mistake." "I love you." "I want you back." "I miss you so much."; the sentences evacuated her mouth like water falling from a cliff & could have easily exterminated every cell in my body had I not hung up before I could hear the end of it.
I loved her & I wanted her more than I wanted to see the sky each morning, but I knew she didn't mean anything that she was saying in those insignificant, yet crucial moments; I knew she didn't love me, she loved the idea of never having to be alone.
I was pretty sure october was coming to an end soon, but honestly, I didn't even keep track of the days anymore, I didn't keep track of anything anymore.

November- winter is just around the corner & I haven't  heard from her in a week of two.
I think she's happy now.
I hope she's happy now.
Even if i'm not, I hope she is.

December- I realized that no matter how cold the weather gets, her heart will always be much more colder, sinking to temperatures a small child would have nightmares about.
I finally have come to terms with the fact that she isn't coming back;
just like the leaves,
just like the sun,
just like time,
she's gone.

I was there,
when each of you
                      were born,
that change,
from womb to
life with room to
grow,
beyond what nurtures,
leaving behind sutures,
and now, scars at what your mom, all moms
gave away,
so you are here today,
she bore scars then,
and she will again,
and again,
when you forget a birthday card, or to call,
or don't drop by on Mother's day at all,
but she, will be the first to defend
each one of you in their turn, until the end,
so remember, if you read this, it is nothing
more than a kiss as a reminder,
come and find her, stand behind her,
not to take advantage,
of being first or last or in between,
and whisper in her ear, that you love
her, as much as there is air in the atmosphere,
and you know she has cried an ocean of tears,
inside for each time, each of you, or others have broken her heart,
but it does not mean she is angry,
but it does not mean she is frankly cranky (that's me)
what it means is she is human
who has made enough room in her
heart for all of you forever, whether or not
you bring flowers or hold her hand for a walk, when she gets older,(light years from now)
just call her and listen more than you talk,
give her the time to be creative, ART recharges her battery pack.

For she is special, like ripples in the pond,
her love can be felt like the waves that goes on and on,
                             and I observe all this, and I am in awe,
becasue I too have a mother,
who is unlike any other, except her capacity to show her love for me,
for all the time, years and miles, distance between her and me.
             And she still smiles when me she sees.


©DWE112013

The moment you notcied me was something of a dream,
something I would never expect,
becasue I was a mere moth in a garden of iridescent butterflies.

You woke me up at 6am on a summer morning, my oh my,
what a miracle, you worked a wonder,
you left your number,
so I left mine, and the dream froze.

Now I've been awake,
(the kind of awake where you have to stick toothpicks in your eyes to pry them open)
searching for signs of you everywhere.

The thing I want most is for that little blue light to appear so I know that we're both constantly pathetically thinking about each other.
I'm to shy to talk to you first,
and maybe you're sitting there too,
staring for the light on your phone,
like gatsby staring at the green light,
debating if its way to soon to text.

Please do, I don't want to be gatsby, staring for the light,
I want to have the privilege of seeing the light often
don't be afraid.

*12:21 the light hasn't appeared. Please think of me

My name is chloe
but you can call me liz

I changed my name becasue chloe
isnt the girl you thought she is
you see chloe
was a diffrent me
kept everything bottlede up so no one will see

that is why i want to change my name from chloe
no one understands liz
but that is because seh's not fake
no one cares about liz
because she pushes the people she loves away
liz isnt suicidal
because liz doesnt care

liz is who i am now
but chloe will always be there

When you look at me
You would see me smiling
You would ignore the pain I carry
You would ignore my scars.

I'm happy, don't you know?
I was never sad
For you, I guess...
Becasue you don't care
You just strike away the depair
That dwells in me
And then you say I don't understand
Because I am always happy.
But one should know
THAT I AM NOT!

The doctor wasn't happy
When I was born
The neighbour wasn't happy
Because I was a girl.

I wasn't happy when I was four
I wasn't happy when I was eight
I remember I cried on my 8th birthday
Because no one was happy I was born that day.

You say I smile
But that's the satan in me smiling
She got what she wanted
She wanted me to get crazy
And now I am.

What more do you want from me?
Are you happy now?
Oh, you're sad?
Then why don't you stop
Saying things about me!
Why don't you ever ******* stop!
You're making me sick!
I'm tired of this
I am tired of slashing my wrist
I am ******* tired of all your jokes
And if this doesn't make YOU happy,
Then I'll have no choice
But to slash my neck.

I'd like to think people are like little universes.

Have you gone around crowded streets?
have you seen them?
Not like you see them when they cross the street with you:
I want to know if you wouldn't love to know
what's going through their minds.

It works like this:
choose a person,
any person will do, becasue after all,
we are all made of more or less the same things.

We are all made of thoughts like stars and constellations,
and loved ones who live inside us like planets
(my cat means a world to me)
we are made of talents that make us shine like comets
and fears that sometimes can be like black holes.

Choose a person,
any person will do, but be careful,
because decoding a universe isn't as easy as you think:
have you got one?

You finally got one.
He stepped out of the coffee shop with a latte.
He walks, and when he walks,
he moves with the intensity of a shooting star.

Go and say hi.
If he answers, and he tells you his name,
congratulations:
the door is open.
Now it's up to you to wander like a lost astronaut
in the Milky Way that a person's mind can be.

You may get to know the hidden galaxy under his skin,
and if you are a little lucky, some of it will melt with yours:
you may share worlds and form constellations with stars from both
("last night I heard this song that reminded me of you")
but there's a thing you have to remember:

this universe where we live is infinite,
and it's always expanding itself more and more,
forming more mysteries we might never reveal.

Our universes are little, but also so big
sometimes we don't even know ourselves at all.

I cant' write How I feel
Act on whats not real
theres no peace if not resloved
How can I script love,

If Im constantly correcting
your lines your stumbling
I need this to be real,
something you really feel....

Not just words you memorized
actions emotionalized,
but this has to be real
I need you to feel......

Im not looking for an actress
Who's use to her back upon a matress,
Im' looking for a lover
who doesn't just love undercovers,

Show it to me in your eyes
or eles this script is lies,
let me hear it in your voice
as if you had no other choice,

So recite your lines
As if It was inception of the mind,
and as we do embrace
Let passion flow along your face,

and say it....
what I wrote upon your heart
becasue for me this is ture,
"I Love You" .....

Let the world hear it,
Present your debut
And lets throw away this script
Cuz now its just Me and You....

As my life moves on im becoming colder,
Feelings escape me as i get older,
Logic prevails no matter the case,
Emotion finding itself out of place,
Love meaningless,
Sadness meaningless,
Colors meaningless,
happiness meaningless,
Im feeling less,
Less human,
Less connected,
More robotic,
More calculated,
Turned away by those around,
Emotions keeping them off the ground,
Bound by thier irrational sense of worth,
Forgetting of their own timeless birth,
Forgetful of the blood that courses through their veins,
Human being is all of our name,
Pulled to the clouds by a need undefined,
So called hole in our hearts no one can find,
But i am a spectator walking through the zoo,
Watching the monkeys as they throw their poo,
Not aware of how silly they all continue to look,
Knowledge, logic, and thinking not defined in their book,
But ill read your chapters,
And skim your book,
I get the idea,
I understand the hook,
But thats all it will be,
Forever and evermore,
Becasue sooner or later,
Your words will become folklore.

The first time I went to my therapy class
I despised everything
the thought of simply going made me feel crazy
It made me fear the truth about myself
and in that instant I hated my therapist
I though she didn't know much about my supposed illness
becasue in that moment I thought
you can never truly understand a mental illness until
or unless you've lived with one
It's not something you can read in a psychology textbook
and call yourself an expert

Why is life so complicated
Why is it so hard to love
Why am I such a waste of space in this world
Why do I exist
WHY

Because life isn't ment to be easy
Becasue then when you love, you love more
Because you're not
Because I need you
BECAUSE

I see you and I think without you.....

I would die,

When I look into your eyes,

I think wow,increditible, she'll never be by my side,

Im starting to relize I don't want you to wake up beside anybody or nobody,

why not beside me?

I know you've been hurt in your own way,

But Let me make it up to you by dedicating my life to you ,

not just a couple of days,

You know I am in love with you,

but aren't you the right person,

Yes, I get confused and crazy too,

But "we are ment to be of one, not friends of two..."

Can you tell me what Im supposed to think of you?

We talk enough to know eachother well,

But im afriad that our friendship, something I want to be more, is getting stell,

My poems, yes your right thier all about you,

Even the ones you asked about , the sad ones yes, I felt like my love was draining out of you,

I just can't tell if what I am feeling is what you're feeling,

When I think the way of, Hate and sorrow,

It clouds me with all sorts of fears,

But when Im around you all these bad things disappear,

I feel this connection between us,


This love, my fantasies, and trust,


We are young,but when Im with you I feel the willpower of a man,

That will fight til' last man standing,and I will be the first and last to stand,

What do you feel when your talking to me?

When you were going through the painful days,

You tried to hide it,but you already knew what I can see,

But I want you to know that my love will never fade,

You may have felt like it was the end of the world,

Let me be the one you dreamed of the prefect one,

becasue when the end of the world comes? It's just going to be me and you girl.

I want to explain more but let me explain these feelings while I have a chance with you,

I'm hoping that if you understand that someday we'll say "I do,"

Because can't no one be true to you like I do,

Your love is drowning,sinking,

And Im serching looking,

and even through these kinda bad times,

Im going to always, see you....and think....

What would I do with out you ?

isn't jealousy a captivating feeling?!!

oh the (***) of it...
it's enticing and romantic and kisses you in overwhelming obsession and vulnerable passionate seduction everywhere! every crevice of your mind is infatuated with the perfumed desire of desire! Naked, stripped, raw, tempting want! That wicked taunting sensation at the edges of your secret never to be told  

oh the (love) in it...
breaks your heart into a million little pieces shattered throughout your body as you feel the ticklish pinch of pain as your phantom heart won't forget how to beat. although, you wish it would becasue the silence in between each hiccuped spasm suggest an undying love. for everyone in jealousy is in love with it. forever pulsing through your veins how the
love for it stains...

oh the (hate) of it
to ******, destroy, and diminish the tormenting throbs of anger, frustration, and unsatisfied possession of your soul. Don't you feel the same corruption and
misery so so miserable misery that defines you? DESPISE! LOATHE! To banish, annihilate, obliterate, destroy it!  

oh the (drug) of it...
the caressing addiction of such a powerful emotion. how much more could you feel? Pushing the limits of emotion you indulge in sweet agony.

oh the (death) of it
the last and first breath between love and hate paralyzed between inhale and exhale. oh the death of it is the death of myself for it's all i feel now

oh! the jealousy i'm in!?
oh (haha) how jealous you must be...

At first when we began this fairy tale,
te sky was shining
the moon was bright
The darkness did not exist
It began so beautiful,
beautiful
Maybe its just a word
but it means so much to me
It means that a million others
It meant happiness
Joy and peace
It love, love, love
It meant so much more than just 3 vowels
It the first line of our haiku
The firt word that began this whole.
Now that words dissapeered and is lost in the mist of the darkness

I was never anything more than US
because since the beggining you knew the end
I thought I could surprise with another end
But you never gave me that chance
You picked that scene,
At first i rejected it because i expected more form you, but now i know that it did not matter because all i had was nothing in the3 middle of nowhere with you
I doesnt matter how much i loved, love or will keep loving you
Because a relashioship is not up to me
It is up to both of us
I dont know why it happend
But i do know you never cared
Maybe is your act of charity, or just a game,
But my heart was not your toy or that one things you could play with
You just wanted me to break up becasue u didnt know how to get rid of me
And yet i still love you, because aas much as it hurts, it is more painful that i fell for it! Completely.
I love you, but if you dont love me back, there is nothing that i can do!
And my friend told me "it was not meant to be" (Sedrick)

Im not who you thought i am, im not who you think, even though i look the same, evertime you blink. My name is the same, but ive changed once more, become who you want me to be, but different to the core. You may look twice, and see the same guy, but im truely not the same, what you see is a lie. Im not the person, who you thought you met. im someone completely differnent, and its something i regret. I wish that i could show you, who i truely am, but the really me isnt pretty, and isnt worth a dam. My true colors always fade, compared to yours that shine, and i feel myself not worthy, with every passing line. I dont deserve to have you, now or at any time, im sick to my stomach, as i continue with these rhymes. Becasue i know ill never tell you, and ill never let you in, ill keep my real self locked up, hiding behind a fake grin. Ill keep up this grin, and keep up my lie, ill pretend to be perfect, untill the day that i die. So what do i do, and how can i be free. I cant be honest with you, i cant show you the real me. The real me would loose you, and thats hard for me to bare. But keeping you is selfish, especially when you're unaware. Unaware of the truth, and unaware of the true me. Unaware of my true colors, the ones you will never see. So do i pretend to be perfect, or do i give myself up today? Do i risk making you hate me, and having you go away? This is eating away at my soul, and will be keeping me up all night. As i battle with my deamons, and contumplate what is wrong and right.

Love is the blind man who wears sunglasses on his eyes
and holds his cup out, begging for money
He can't see who gives him money
but when he hears the coins drop and hit his cup
He is grateful

He can't tell if the money giver is dark as night
Nor can he tell if the money giver is plae as snow
All he knows is they took the time to
spare what they could give

As he uses his walking stick to tap the pavement
He hears the cup make the noise of joy
He thanks the giver and hears the sound of a baseball bat

He doesn't know if they bat for one team
or if they bat for the other
Or maybe they bat for both
But that doesn't matter they took their own money and gave him some

He walks some more and he continues
to hear money hit the cup
With each sound he gives a smile
A smile for every money giver
becasue he doesn't care who you are or what you do
He cannot see

He is the blind man
He is love